¶ Intro / Opening
Weird.
We welcome back midnight viewers to follow Malones weekly round up. I'm following Malone and with me as always is the rage filled former slave Ripley Gene. I know you're not rage filled, although every time someone comes to the door, you're not exactly calm. All right, let's get to it.
¶ Gladiator and Gladiator 2
Everyone loves Gladiator, everyone but me. Look, I took Latin. I studied the Classics with a lean towards the Roman authors. For me, the Greeks were always a bit too lofty. So my problems with the original Gladiator are two. One is a quibble and stems from my teenage obsession with historical and historically accurate events in ancient room, and we'll get back to that because it comes up again in the sequel. But the other is one that I can't get past anymore. It's a problem I have with most
gritty action films. They're all predicated on the crusading widower. They killed his wife, that was their first mistake. Good lord, this is the only thing that can drive you. I mean, it's supposed to be a quest based on love, but really it's just a convenient excuse for slaking bloodlust. Let me ask you a question, what in the Gladiator plot would change if Maximus's family just didn't exist, as if they hadn't written them at all. Maximus is a bachelor,
what would change in that plot? Nothing? He'd still be wronged by the nation he defended. Is that not worthy of vengeance? Is it not good enough? Because it's a personal a vendetta. They got to kill the wife as well. Two weeks ago we had Road to Perdition. There's another crusading widower death wish the Punisher, Mad Max Brave Heart, The Patriot Jesus Christ mil Gibson has a whole cottage industry of crusading widowers. And you know what hit that
last film, The Patriot. I found that one to be particularly distasteful, boiling down the American Revolution as a tale of revenge against the English. Good God, kill Bill crusading widow John Wick. I know it's a dog, but the wife gave him the dog and she's dead, so that dog was the wife crusading widower. Besides, he got another dog, the crow. We did a whole round up about all of its various crusading iterations. I know it's in no way a new genre. In fact, revenge films are their
own subset, and they can be great. It's just that it's the twenty first century now, and maybe we can realize it's a disservice to the character that that's their only motivation, or really it's a disservice to the spouse, reducing them to nothing but a goal. But that is not the overriding problem with Gladiator too.
I remember that day.
I never forgot it, but a slave could take revenge against an emperor.
Where were you born?
I don't know. I never knew a mother, now a father.
You will be my instrument? Who are you?
Did you hear that crowd?
The greatest temple room ever built, the Colisseum, Because this is what they believe in power.
General the cases, there are victories yet still to come.
JOm has so many subjects she must feed them.
They can eat wool. The arena turned slaves into gladiators, and the gladiators into free men.
You have something. I knew it from the start, didn't you.
Low rage.
And rages?
Okay, it's about the com on hold together and when it charges, break for the wall.
Whose head could I give you that would satisfy this fury?
The entire Roman armies too much. The General will do amazing.
I need only give it a push.
We'll make it out of.
Chance. On the mausoleum floor, bloodstains the stream belonged to Maximus. Now I give it to you.
There from people are not free.
I was only now.
I will control and impotul.
Waste a generation of young men for their vanity, Break them up. There is a mausoleum clung the god fuck.
You know how some sequels take such a left turn from the original that they stand alone as their own piece, like Aliens or Gremlins two. Just a total unwillingness on the part of the filmmakers to repeat themselves. Well that ain't Gladiator too. Oh no, this is Escape from La to Gladiators Escape from New York. Not that I'm comparing Escape from New York to Gladiator. There is no comparison there. Whatever misgivings I have about Gladiator, it is great spectacle,
particularly seeing the Colosseum so well realized. It's breathtaking, and there are some great performances. RUSSELLA. Rock at his most fierce, you know, Russell Crow's movie star alter ego. Russ LaRock, Pop sensation don't you here he is.
People sound crazy, but I just want to be more.
Well, he's fucking great as Maximus, and it had Oliver red in his final performance. I'm a sucker for Oliver Reed. I now know that all of those great old, hard drinking English Thespians were probably more insufferable alcoholics and less the bad boys breaking all the rules. But Oliver Reid seemed the only one fully committed to it, and his performances are just heart stopping. I love you, Oliver Reid. I wouldn't want to be in a room with you. I certainly don't want to see the Eagles talons.
You're too young.
I can't tell you this is a family show. Fuck, yeah it is. There are some differences between Gladiator and Gladiator, too, like Maximus never had to fight a bunch of cartoon primates. I don't want to give a blanket statement like the CGI is shit, because there are individual shots that are just gorgeous, photorealistic even, but the rest of them are infuriating. This movie cost two hundred and fifty million dollars. In twenty twenty four, when all the giants the major studios
are foundering, they're going all in with this. I'm not rooting against the movie, Don't get me wrong. Hollywood needs every helping hand, but this two hundred and fifty million dollars. Can we all admit that Ridley Scott made about five good movies. They're all visual works of art, no doubt. But we've got Alien Blade Runner. I'd go to the mat for Legend, Thelma and Luise. Maybe Blackhawk down. That's it, and he continues the trend here. Gladiator started off with
a battle in the forest. Well this one starts with a naval battle, and instead of a Roman general as our hero, he's the villain. Our hero is one of the defenders of Numidia on the African coast, So we're going to have an African hero this time. Nope, White Savior trope is in effect. God, the tropes are piling up here, just like Dances with Wolves and Avatar and hell Billy Jack. When the big bad Empire comes calling, they have to find one of their own defiant. Also,
they killed his wife, this time with arrows. Watch out Rome, watch out Reed. Richard's that's right, Mando man Pedro Pascal is the evil general.
But wait a.
Minute, he's actually a pretty good guy. He's only following orders. That excuse lets him off the hook for decimating sovereign nations. Plus we love Pedro Pascal, he can't be bad. Once again, the villain is the Emperor or emperors. Oh, spend too much time in the Senate here, So big battle, dead wife slavery, forced to fight in an exhibition bought by a gladiator trader and political wheeler dealer fights his way
to fame revenge. Sound fucking familiar. A quarter century later and a quarter of a billion dollars and this is what we're given. This is what we've been waiting for. But it has naval battles in the coliseum. Yes, I know, they actually happened, and it was cool to see them re enacted here for a few minutes. Then the sharks showed up. The sharks someho now caught in the wild and held in captivity and transported and kept in an enclosure that allowed them a free range of motion, so
they wouldn't just drown the sharks. The main problem here is the main problem with both films. We gotta bring down the Emperor. None of these fictional characters ever brought down the emperor over Rome. Why does it have to be that again. It can't be the hero just fighting for himself or some potential positive goal for others. Gotta be revenge and then coincidentally his actions destroy a corrupt empire,
freeing all. That's how the first film ended. And now it's twenty five years later and Rome is worse than before, which is a problem for all legacy sequels. They obliterate the accomplishments of the first film. They could address that here in gladiat or two, but instead they ignore it so they can have the same goddamn plot contrivances. And here's the thing that taking down the whole system trope is the equivalent of the big blue light in the
sky of all superhero movies. Yes, we have a tangible villain, but we gotta close that portal. We're gonna shut down that machine or we'll all be killed. This film does have one advantage over the first. Denzel He's fucking great here. Anytime you put him in a period piece or historical drama, comedy, whatever, he's gonna elevate it. He is so fucking charming here and just locked into what the movie wanted to be a political pot boiler. He's way more fearsome than any
dude riding a cartoon rhinoceros. That happens in this movie. A man rides a rhinoceros and it's a cartoon anyway. This was shot digitally, so could somebody lift Denzel out of gladiat Or two and insert him into the original. I think it can be done, and I think it will solve my problems with that movie, because you're not bringing down a roam with a sword. You're doing it through manipulating corruption, and Denzel's character could have facilitated that there,
and I totally would have bought it. Nothing's gonna snaff anyone from seeing this movie, and I'm not trying to stop you either. I'm saying, go see all the movies, all the poly Shore putting out a new movie, go see it. We gotta save cinema. Zaslab killed its wife and now nothing will stop it from getting revenge. As an aside, if you're of Italian descent and you have tattoos and one of them is an SPQR, what's wrong
with you? If Ireland had been the center of civilization at some point, or had a marker or a slogan declaring everything theirs. Do you not think that symbol or phrase would be on my body right now?
Anyway?
If you've got a jones for Rome, a need for ancient Italian drama, you can see some pretty fucking historically accurate ancient Rome in the series Rome that was back on HBO and ran for two seasons, and it was co created by John fucking' milius, the writer of Apocalypse Now and director of Conan the Barbarian, and it is peopled with an amazing cast of mostly British actors. If I Claudius taught us anything, Rome makes more sense as
an empire with Shakespearean trained actors. That's a scientific fact. Okay, we're moving on. But what if you love sort swinging actioners but don't love columns. Maybe you're sick of tunics and you don't have time for the dead wife trope?
Hit at HP, you a doll?
That ship k be go?
It's thank you HP, David Letterman phrase here, Oh my goodness, ripley, this O what a hell of a pick. Maybe you saw this mac in the day and forgot about it. More likely you've never seen it at all. I have a soft spot in my heart for this film from
¶ The 13th Warrior
nineteen ninety nine. This is the thirteenth Warrior.
I am Ala.
I met a beautiful woman who belonged to another man. I was banished from my home and from all that I knew a country far to the north.
No moment he comes to ask bull far for helping.
I'm leaking at all, but his father's kingdom is under attack.
She says, thirteen men, yeah, yeah, had the first time.
He says the thirteenth man's been known the third man's boy issue.
I am not a warrior, you will be.
They are demons, deep like a life head, like God.
There it is said they keep the dead.
I saw the global.
My other's father always warned of it, said it.
Was a eight of all times.
Prepare yourselves.
Low. God was my father?
O where who was to my mother, my sisters and my brothers.
You're not also bhalla.
When the rain they lived?
Remember my pretentious classical education, Well that included a heaping helping of Beowulf, the epic poem. I believe that it was Francis Baron Gumer's edition that I read. That was his translation. It wouldn't get a proper lyrical translation until nineteen ninety nine. That's when Seamus Hainey did a more poetical version of it. There was a modern day sequel
written called Grendel. From the monster's perspective, there was that god awful Robert Semchis Uncanny Valley fest Beowulf, which actually had a really good script by Roger Avery and Neil Gaiman. Unfortunately the film was a waxwork nightmare. So anyway, I was devouring all the Beowolf I could find when I happened upon a novel called Eaters of the Dead by
Michael Crichton. Jurassic Park Westworld er Michael Crichton. The book was from nineteen seventy six and was inspired, if that's the right word, by a fellow professor who had lumped Beowulf into what he called the bores of literature. Determined to prove that guy wrong, Crichton decided to show that Beowulf was indeed exciting. So, then, being Michael Crichton, he conceived of a theme park with Nordic warriors. Now I'm kidding,
but it would track. Actually, he took the story of Ahmad Ebin Fadlan, a real person who was an ambassador for the Khaliph of Baghdad and was sent north to live with Vikings in like ninety seventy five AD. He then combined that with the Beowulf legend and it's a weird mashup that works at least for me. Like Gangbusters. Twenty years later, we got a name change in John
McTiernan behind the camera and it's the Thirteenth Warrior. Spanish actor Antonio Banderis plays Ahmad Ebin Fadlan, with some backup coming from Omar fucking Sharif in the book and the film. Fudlan is taken in by a band of Vikings as they are called to help King Rothgard defend his hall against supernatural creatures known as the Vendol. It ends up being a bit Scooby doo. Now let's see who the
real Vendol is. And there are some laughable moments from the screenplay, but overall, this is how you do a gritty action sword and blood and hacking and slashing. Man. It's on die hard predator McTiernan orchestrating muddy chaos amongst the Vikings with gorgeous Antonio Benderis fighting beside them. Everyone's loving the Vikings these days, right, Well, you can Binge, hours and hours and hours of them. We'll give this
film ninety minutes. It's one hundred and two minutes, but if you haven't dug the first ninety you can tap out. Then I won't tap out. I love this film. Oh, come on, it's worth ribbing. When Antonio and Benderis announces how he learned their language, where did you.
Learn how a language?
I listen, all right, thirteenth Warrior. I'm not gonna say anything else about it. I want you to see it. If you haven't seen it, we are moving on and it's going to be a bit of a downer, but it's gonna end kind of joyously, so fair a warning. My late wife Jessica was a fucking marvel in everything she did, just a whirlwind of creativity and productivity. For her fiftieth birthday, we planned a huge surprise event for her, and by we, I mean Jessica. She planned and organized
and executed the whole thing. I helped, but it was all her, which is exactly how she wanted it. Prior to the festivity, she sent up questionnaires asking all of the guests their likes and dislikes so she could personalize it to their taste. If your favorite dessert was peacan pie, you were getting peacan pie at the end of the evening. She also had questions about songs that might sum you up, songs that might make appropriate entrance music. I didn't think
much of it. I don't think anyone else did. But when everyone arrived that night, there was a step in repeat that they had to walk with a photographer snapping photos, and every single person had their own personal anthem playing. Here was mine, that's give me the prize, the Kurgan's theme, and it's Queen, and the movie is Highlander.
¶ Highlander
And from another time comes a man of great power.
Talk funny Nash where you're from, lots of different places, A warrior of incredible strength.
You have the devil in you. We've been kinsman twenty years. Connor MacLeod was my kinsman. I don't know who you are.
Because you were born different. Man will feel you try to drive your way.
A man uncertain of his future. What you got?
Hear, Brenda, because a guy who's been creeping around since only seventeen hundred and haunted by his past. I want some answers.
You cannot die McLeod.
I am Connor McLeod of the Clan McLeod. I was born in fifteen eighteen in the village of Glen Finnan on the shores of flock Shield.
And I am.
Immort, a hero who is about to face his greatest challenge.
You will always be weaker than I.
What can you tell me about a seven but lunatic hacking away with a broadsword at one o'clock in the morning, New York City in nineteen eighty five.
Not much, for he is not alone.
In the end, it can be only one.
Highlander. There can be only one.
We are where the princess are? You never survival to be the rule.
We're gonna talk a lot about the Kuragan here, but first we gotta talk about Connor McLoud of Clan macloud from the fifteen hundreds in the Highlands of Scotland. Highlands of Scotland. Thus he's a Highlander. It's funny because the word just kind of means immortal now, like they're all Highlanders. I guess the every vampire can be called a Dracula. Rule is in effect here. Before we go further, this is time sensitive. Stop what you're doing and go to
the Wikipedia page for Highlander and read the synopsis. Someone has a vivid and hilarious imagination and the gatekeepers haven't caught it yet. But that's not gonna last, so get over there and read it immediately. And no, it wasn't me, or was it? Anyway you know the story. Connor is an immortal, one of many that dot the globe. They all feel a pull toward one another, and the more ruthless among them are lopping off their heads and absorbing
their life forces, growing stronger. Connor, the Scottish Highlander, is played by Christoph Lambert, a French actor who was born in New York and raised in Switzerland. His character is aided by Juan Sanchez via Lobos Ramirez, who is actually Egyptian and played by Scottish actor Sean Connery. We just had Antonio banderis playing Iranian, so we're going to give the nineteen eighty six casting people a pass here. Plus
it's Christopher Lambert and Sean Connery. They're both great. Lambert's weirdo amalgamation of accents somehow actually works for an immortal who's lived dozens of lives and dozens of locales around the globe. It's kind of like that language, Edward James almost comes up with for Gaff and Blade Runner one of only five good Ridley Scott movies. So they have to stop the Kurgan. He's the villain, and what a fucking villain. You heard the song and you know the actor,
the fucking amazing Clancy Brown. Has he ever been bad?
No?
Has any film he's been in become instantly elevated?
Fuck?
Yes, you loved him in Starship Troopers, you love him in Shawshank and he's a dick in that. He's the best Lex luthor ever. Sorry, Michael Rosenbaum. He was Surder, the god who destroyed Asgard and Thor Ragnarok. The man is mister Crabs on SpongeBob SquarePants. He was a major member of the Hong Kong Cavaliers, that's Buckeru Banzai's group of crusading rock and rollers. He was Lyndon Johnson on The Crown, and most recently and fucking amazingly, he was
Salvator Falcone on that Penguin television series. Here as the Kurgan, he absolutely terrifies while simultaneously giving us one of the most delicious villains ever. Speaking of Rome, if you ever read the novelization, you'll know that the Kurgan was a happy participant of the sacking of Rome while he was
running around with the Visigoths and the Vandals. I won't to be a cowboy, different vandals, but in the same ballpark, because the modern Kurgh, the nineteen eighty six version chooses a total punk rock persona complete with safety pins through the scar in his neck, and it is amazing, though not the original intention of the character. As originally written, the Kurgan would be a total dandy bowler hat bespoke suit. That would have been interesting, particularly on Clancy Brown. Not
that I don't fucking love what we got. Quick side note. Back in nineteen ninety four, I was at a convention at the Shrine in Los Angeles and I actually bumped into Clancy Brown. It took me a second to recognize it. I mean, he was very polite because he was actually the one that bumped into me. But I was honestly crestfawn, not because it wasn't a thrill to meet him.
It was.
I actually cherished the memory. But it turns out he and I are the exact same height, and he was a giant in my mind. Further, I actually think I had a weight advantage at that time in my life, so I came away thinking I could take the Kurgan. The prize is rightfully mine. Gregory Whyden, former Firefighter, writes Highlander as his thesis screenplay in film. The original is way more arranging and got way more mythology, and it connor fathers many children over the years, and there's a
whole bunch of unneeded detours. But it's a thesis script. It gets snapped up and handed over to Larry Ferguson and Peter Bellwood, who pare it down and admittedly give us the masterpiece we have now, although there are only
one small part of it. Having read both drafts, let's say Billwood and Ferguson had a hell of a blueprint to work from, because left to their own devices, they made Highlander two, although Larry Ferguson, his credit, would pen the fucking horrible remake of Rollerball and Alien three and Beyond the Law. That's that biker movie with Michael Madson and Charlie Sheen, which is one of the few films I feel totally comfortable watching. Ironically, by comparison, Gregory Wyden
wrote Backdraft and the Prophecy Russell. Okay, he's behind the camera here. He was a video music maker extraordinaire, and it's fully on display. Critics at the time complained that it was style over substance. Fuck you, it's style and substance. You're gonna tell the tale of sword fighting immortals in modern day New York. I want a crazy crane shot across Madison Square Garden as the fabulous Freebirds battle the High Flyers and the Tonga Kid while Queen soundtrack blairs.
That's right, the Queen soundtrack. It is fucking killer. There are some band composed soundtracks out there that are just perfect. Harold and Maud the Graduate Queen again for Flash. How about that Toto score for Dune. Anyway, this is all original stuff from Queen, each member of the band contributing a tune set against a moment of the film that
resonated with them. So not only do we get Princes of the Universe to open the flick and give me the prize, but the amazing who Wants to Live Forever by Brian May that was featured pretty prominently in that fucking awful Freddy Mercury biopic, but best of all, in a song I come to over and over and over again because if you've never known, because if you've ever known true love like I did, particularly the night of
the party that I mentioned. One Year of Love by bassist John Deacon is lovely and lush and oh so true, just like.
Jess Yeas battle Time one sentiment is like the shootings time not.
Brue on.
What I know. I said we'd end happily, but here we are. It is happy. These are great movies. Well, it's a great movie and a pretty good movie and a terrible movie. That's what we've covered this week, and
¶ Conclusion and Upcoming Episodes
that is gonna wrap us up for the week. Folks. I want to thank you for joining us. Make sure you tune in this Thursday. Maybe it'll be Friday. It's my show. I'll release them whenever I God damn one. That'll be the next Anthologies attack. Antonio Lapour is back and we're gonna be talking the Allison, Alexander Rockwell, Robert Rodriguez, Quentin Tarantino comedy. Is it a comedy? Is it funny?
Tune in to find out we're talking four rooms. It's actually going to be a pretty stupendous occasion that will be midnight viewings one hundredth episode. HP, composer of our rips Picks theme, is our band leader, and you can hear all of his work over at band camp and check out his show Night Mister Walters, a taxi podcast. There are links in the description. Also there you'll find a link to our Patreon channel Patreon dot com slash
Father Malone. Subscribe and you'll get episodes early and commercial free. And speaking of HP, he and I are starting up a Patreon exclusive show which we'll talk about in a later episode. For the lovely Miss Ripley Gene. I'm Father Malone, and we'll leave you with a little bit from Highlander. Well, by the way, Connor McLeod does not count as a crusading widower his wife dies of old age. It's way more tragic.
What do you want your head and the prize? I be Halloween, ladies. Nothing's no sense of humor, I said.
Many man really alive last not Lets be a fret my lot of it. I'm I'm telling you the long Okay they want, I got no time. Give it a rise, sons, giving the rise the whe thing they want. Day time, getting the rise
There you wi