Chapter 13: Return of the Mack

Midnight Burger is brought to you today by Shaker and Spoon, where you can get $20 off of any subscription by going to shakerandspoon.com slash midnightburger. Cast members and avid cocktail makers, Neil and Julie, gave Shaker and Spoon a try. It's a cute little box and you open it up and it's filled with a whole bunch of recyclable packaging material and cute.

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Walnut bitters and like cardamom bitters. And they had a bunch of spice syrups mixed up and stuff. Each box revolves around one type of liquor. So just add one bottle of liquor. And you're ready to go. It's all very clear because everything's labeled and each cocktail has its own ingredient card or instructions card. So each one has its own recipe and like...

backstory and everything on a card. So yeah, it's all easy to figure out. They'll have everything you need, except for the egg. There are even two enormous lemons in there. There's actual fruit in there. Fresh lemons. Fresh citrus. So the only thing we needed was booze and for one of the cocktails we needed an egg. They didn't send an egg, which I think is prudent. Good idea. You can learn new techniques while creating excellent craft cocktails. They have sourced these cocktails from...

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So you could make it like a little social thing, right? Like have a few people over. Hey, I got my new shaker and spoon box. Let's come over Friday night. Let's see what these are. Going out to the bar has become a little more complicated these days. So throw an epic cocktail party at home and save. $20 off any subscription by going to shakerandspoon.com slash midnightburger. My mornings are chaos. I need coffee that works as hard as I do. That's why I drink Everyday Dose.

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Just go to patreon.com slash midnightburger or subscribe on Apple Podcasts. Previously on Midnight Burger, Gloria is in charge. Pollo in caca. Pollo in caca batado. Because Casper is... Somewhere? Is this one of those we're trying to break his spirit things or is this a we're waiting for the guy with the keys? And it seems the diner is trapped in a terrifying place called the present. Our time-traveling, dimension-spanning diner is no longer traveling through time or through...

Dimension. Oh, snap. A prison break. Who's here, Casper? I don't fucking know. Is this a rescue attempt? Seriously? On a completely unrelated note, hey, remember that time the diner was attacked by that android who could pretend to be everybody's ex? Where's Casper? Good thing we're not going to see her ever again. Am I right? Okay, let's start the shift.

So... where are we headed? Not sure. If you're taking me somewhere to kill me, the void of space is right outside. We could take care of this right now. I'm not going to kill you. Okay. What are you going to do? Not sure. Okay. You know, you were not on the list of people that I thought might rescue me. Really? Yes. Who was on the list? Honestly, there wasn't even a list. Well... Surprise!

Yeah. You had a name for me. We did. The X. The universal embodiment of all X's. Right. That's silly. I'm not that, you know. What are you, then? I don't know what I am. I know what I was. I was an object created with a purpose. Which was? To find you and confront you about leaving your wife.

You're an android who can travel through space, time, and dimensions. And your sole purpose is to confront me about leaving my wife. Yes. Why in the world would someone create you? Oh, you'd have to ask your wife. She made me. My wife made you? Yes. My wife was an accountant. In your native timeline, your wife was a CPA. In my native timeline, your wife was the most brilliant scientist Earth had ever seen.

She changed the planet with her ideas, saved it from destruction. That doesn't sound like her. Privately, she was obsessed with you. Specifically, how she was able to save an entire planet, but not a marriage. That sounds more like her. You had disappeared. So she created me to find you, confront you about leaving her and then report back.

But in her rage she made me incredibly powerful and was not specific enough with her directives, so to complete my task I had to confront every iteration of you in every timeline before I could return to her. That's a lot of me's. It's infinite use, Casper. It's an impossible task, but I would have continued until I ceased to function. It was your friends who finally stopped me.

That was nice of them. How many me's had you confronted before you got to me? 11,386,391. Oh my god! It was a lot. That's too many me's. And you know what? every version of you was miserable i was amazed by the consistency of their misery in the timeline your misery may be the most consistent thing in the multiverse

Well, that's on brand. I'm so sorry. It's okay. I'm free now. I can't even imagine. You were also a woman in a high percentage of timelines. Also, one time, a lionfish. It was funny. That sounds like a nightmare. It's alright. I'm an android, Casper. I don't feel things the way you do. And then we just left you there? Yes. In Kentucky? Yes. In 1934?

You may not be surprised to hear that when the residents of 1934 Harlan County, Kentucky encounter an unconscious, artificial woman, they have a negative reaction to it. Oh God, what did they do? They threw me in a river. Brownies Creek, they called it. They threw you in a river? Actually, it was quite nice. Peaceful. I sunk to the bottom, but... It wasn't that deep so you could still see the sun rise and set as the days went by. Days? As the years went by. Casper.

The fishing boats that passed over me slowly became motorized, churning the water. I watched them build a bridge over me, hammering and digging. In the middle of the day, the workers would dangle their feet just above me and talk about the world. They talked about a war and the surprising progress that followed and about... How the land they were born in was quickly becoming foreign to them. They would toss pebbles in the river and they would land around my body.

One night they came to the bridge to drink and fight and talk about sports. They tossed their cans in the river and I watched them float away. One of them got very drunk and swore when he looked in the river he could see. see me. They all called him crazy. When they finished their bridge, I was alone again. A year of complete silence. Then one day I saw two yellow eyes.

peering at me from within the murky water. Something covered in armor that had frightening jaws. They called it a snapping turtle. It hid in the rocks near me, and my body reflected light and attracted fish, and it would wait in the darkness and see. snap at them when they approached. It was obviously there for the fish, but I like to imagine that it was protecting me as I lay there paralyzed. It was my first friend.

While the moss slowly covered my body, I began to rebuild my central processor from the beginning. It's difficult for a thing to fix itself. There were many failures. When I finally emerged from the creek covered in mud and a moss tree roots wrapped around me, it was 1963. I didn't have much of my previous programming left, but I still had the ability to find you, my last target. I peered forward in this time lane and saw that you were a prisoner, so I leapt.

forward in time, stole a ship, and broke you out. You laid at the bottom of a creek for 30 years. Yes. Most people would emerge from that creek hating me. I am not a person. Well... Thank you for rescuing me. You're welcome. So what now? That's up to you. What do you mean? I need your help. In exchange for your help, I'll take you anywhere you want to go. Knowing you, that will either be go back home or find the diner. It's up to you.

You couldn't have shown up before I was kidnapped? I could have, but a prison break sounded fun. You let me go through all that because a prison break sounded fun. You don't get to choose the way you're saved, Casper. Where's the poetry in that? Well then take me back to before I was kidnapped. No, for two reasons. One, when I travel through space and time, I can't take anyone with me. And two, for some reason, when I arrived in your...

current time, my powers were halted. I can no longer travel temporarily. I don't know why. Right. The wind chimes. What? The Teds. They built some sort of... Thing that's trapping the diner here. No more time travel. I guess that applies to you, too. I see. And since they're after the diner, we should try and find them before the Teds do, so it looks like I'm not going home. You weren't going to go home anyway. How do you know?

Because I've been inside your head, Casper. There's very little I don't know about you. Fantastic. You said you needed my help. What could I possibly help you with? You're going to help me become human. That sounds like fairy godmother territory. I don't know about that. Not magically transform me. You're going to help me understand humanity so I can be it. You seem pretty human to me, aside from the...

Indestructible time traveler part. I appreciate that. But that's because I constructed this persona. I've been inside the minds of millions of people and I created myself based on all of them. When I laugh, it's someone else's laugh. My smile is borrowed. None of it is me. It's funny. When you don't know who you are, it works out really well for other people. You can just be whoever they want you to be.

Isn't there someone else you'd rather be talking to right now? Come on, Casper. Don't you want to argue with me? Yell at me for ruining everything? Justify the things you've done! What else would you like to do with that? Stop doing that. Sorry. My point is, I can be whatever you want me to be or whatever you don't want me to be. But what is... Me? You've been inside the minds of millions of people. You don't know what it is to be human?

Being inside someone's head isn't the font of information you think it is. Every human being is an ocean of subjectivity. You believe when you see the world that you're getting information. But what a human does is take in information and then tell itself a story.

A shepherd stands in a field at night and looks at the night sky. He sees a falling star streak across the horizon and then disappear. But he doesn't know what a shooting star is, so he tells himself a story about God's falling from the sky. You're amazing storytellers, especially the stories you tell yourself. But it's not truth. It's all a fiction on some level. That's why I'm here with you. I need to learn how to tell the story of myself.

Well, that's a fascinating sentiment, but I'm not sure I'm a good candidate for figuring all that out. You're the perfect candidate. You're the oldest human I know. You have the most experience. I'm no spring chicken, but I'm not that old. Casper, I've been inside your head. So? Oh. You... You don't know. What? Do you remember what Ava calls the diner? Uh, something like a shifting point of null entropy. Yes, null entropy. No decay. So?

Did you think you would age while you worked there? Uh-oh. How old? You are 173 years old if you add up all the days. That can't be right. Ava would have picked up on that. Leif, Ava, Gloria, they all came into your life very late, comparatively. They've only been there a few years. Casper, you lived... An entire lifetime in the diner before they showed up. I'm sure you recall the feeling. You walked into an abandoned diner, turned on the radio, and then the days rolled.

Into one another. It's much harder to mark the passage of time with no one around. I'm not sure why. That's another thing I'd like to learn about. How other people create time. Need a minute? Apparently I've had plenty. Don't freak out. Compared to most things, you're still just a kid. I don't feel wise. Good. People who think themselves wise are the real idiots. That sounds familiar. I got it from you.

See what I mean? Bits and pieces of other people. No real me. You can help. Okay, fine. If you say so. How about this? The Teds know we're in this ship, so we should probably ditch it for another one. That'll take a day or two. By then, you should be recovered from learning that you're as old as a Bible character. Okay? Yeah, okay.

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Good evening, mom. What's your poison? Hey, what can you make? I have 11,361 recipes. Any of those recipes, a margarita? One margarita coming right up. Wow. Okay. You're making a mistake. Am I? I'm afraid so. Because I'm trusting a robot to make me a drink? Because you're ordering a margarita.

So what? I've been around. I've never met a bartender that can make a good margarita. You don't look like the type that would know a good margarita. I don't. No. I'll have you know I've been to Earth. I've had the real thing. Oh yeah? Where'd you go? It's a place called TGI Fridays. Best place to go. Really? Oh, yeah. They also have these things called jalapeno poppers.

See, the jalapeno is something that's hot, but on purpose. It's not poison. Yeah, I know what it is. You do? Wait a minute, are you an earthling? In fact, I am. Oh, so you're just having some fun with me. It was fun. One margarita. Enjoy. Thank you. Oh, look. A pineapple wedge. Always a good sign. Don't say I didn't warn you. Yeah. That's real bad. See, I'm telling you. TGI Fridays. Have you heard of a place called Akron? You need to stop talking about Earth.

You don't sound good. So you tell me, where's the best margarita? At my ex-boyfriend's mother's house. Ex-boyfriend? Yeah. Interesting. How'd you get off world? Well... I heard the Mexican food sucks out here, so I thought I'd open my own place. I don't know. I dabble in the restaurant business. A lot of people in a lot of systems have tried and failed to make authentic. Mexican food. Yeah, but I'm an authentic Mexican, so... What's your name? What's yours? Minsky. Nice to meet you, Minsky.

I'm going back over to my friends now. But we're just getting started. You are. Where's Gloria? She wanted to order a drink at the bar. I think she's putting the vibe out there. What does that mean? You know. The vibe. Gloria's trying to have sex with an alien? Don't say it like that. You'll just freak her out. So what? I think she deserves to have a little fun. It's why we're here tonight.

Certainly these excursions for our little family are a wonderful gesture leaf, but our surroundings are... how to describe it? We weren't expecting you to take us to a moonshine shack late. It's not as bad as it looks. Are people going to think it's weird that we brought our own radio to the nightclub? All kinds of weird things happen here. It's no big deal. You speak the truth, Leaf. That one over there looks like a candied ham. Dearest, that one there looks like he's on fire. He is on fire.

And where is here exactly? Red's rectangle. We're in a nebula. Hard to find if you don't know where to look, so it attracts a particular element. A particular criminal element? Yeah. So... Your element life? Guys. First we learned that Leaf is a scientist and not a cook. And now we've learned that he was some sort of rogue. So many layers to this onion. You hear that? You're an onion. I just did what anyone in my position would do.

I made choices under duress, okay? Which character from The Godfather are you quoting right now? It's not like I enjoyed it or anything. But I'm fascinated. Like, how do you go from physics engineer to pretty boy Floyd? You would have too. Look, I told you the story. I found dark matter on Earth. First guy to ever do that, by the way. I found it, collected it, put it in a bottle, and lit a lamp with it. First guy ever. Bragging is my job. Then the Teds show up.

They feed me a line about how this invention of mine is too much too soon. That Earth's immature populace would misuse my invention and turn it into a weapon. So to save Earth... I agreed. Anyone would have taken that deal. They didn't ask me. I get out here into the system. I'm working as a cook. Things are going great. I'm a galactic drifter. It's a persona. I'm living it.

Didn't take me too long to realize that the whole time, the Teds were feeding me a lie. They weren't scared my invention would destroy Earth. They had other plans. What do the Teds have to gain by keeping Earth in the Dark Ages? Hey, bartender, can you put it on Earth 1 for a second? Sure thing late.

next on Earth One, more non-stop laughs from your favorite planet full of hot messes. At 800, it's the British Parliament. Watch one of the smallest countries on the planet pretend it still rules the world. 50 it's the new york city public transportation system new york has all the money in the world but it's not on the two train then at 900 saudi arabia

Watch them be terrible to basically everybody while the whole world turns a blind eye. That's enough. Oh my god. We're a reality show? We're a network. of reality shows, and it's wildly popular. It's the most popular thing in three galaxies. The Teds have kept Earth in the Dark Ages because it's funnier? Yes. Holy shit, Leaf. Feel like doing crimes now? Kind of. I wasted my life so that some alien race could get good ratings. After that...

I stopped being a cook and I started working for Loaf Tracks. Who is Loaf Tracks? A pirate. A space pirate? They're real! Well... That was enlightening. How'd it go? I was just chatted up at the bar by a very attractive alien. Still got it. Congratulations? See? What did I tell you? We needed a night out. So, Leif, talk to me. How does this work? How does what work? You know, this.

Situations like these, how does, you know, it work? Mucklewaynes, cover your ears. We're about to talk about alien banging. Perhaps we should have stayed back at the diner. Yes, dear, though... How does it work? Honey? We can't very well say that something is sinful if we don't know exactly what it is we speak of.

If God did not appreciate our questioning, we'd still be stuck in the old Church of Rome, dear. Now let's just listen in. What are you worried about? What am I worried about? Let's see, um, everything? This person at the bar. They're into you. You're into them? What's the problem? Don't play dumb with me. You know what the problem is. Do I? He's from another planet, Leif. Gloria, I'm going to need you to say the words.

Teach me to have sex with an alien, Leif. Oh my. Such a long way from Phoenix. Congratulations! You've taken your first step into a wider multiverse. I need you to not enjoy this too much. I'll try. Let's go over some basics. First, get yourself in the right headspace. Stop saying the word alien. Why? Look around. We're all aliens. Why separate one thing from another? All God's creatures under the sun, right, Mucklewaynes? That's true. That's very true. See, dear? Uh...

Give me a moment to consult scripture. Secondly, and I'm sorry to make it weird, how do you know that was a man at the bar? Fucking hell. Maybe their race doesn't have men and women. Maybe they don't have genders at all. Maybe they've got men, women, and some third thing. Don't worry about it. I'm a traditional girl, Leif. I hear you. But whose traditions are we talking about?

There's a lot of them around here. I'm just saying, once you get out here, it's not as cut and dried as Captain Kirk and a Green Lady. Leaf dated an orb one time. An orb? I asked you not to use the word orb. But they were an orb, Leaf. They were a floating... orb. They were a spherical entity. That floated. A floating orb. Fucking orb life? What was the orb's name? ZZA 9 ZZA FIZZA ZZA. Wu-Tang! How did that work? Don't worry about it. Look, the important thing is that there's...

two people at the bar, and they're into each other. What follows is a frank conversation with your chosen partner for the evening, and then a fun trip to that vending machine right there. What happens at the vending machine? It's like going to Europe. You just need the right adapter. Don't get the wrong adapter. You could fry your curling iron. If you know what I mean. Okay.

Yes, dear. I believe I may have stayed too long at the fair in this conversation. I have regrets. Well, now you've got me thinking, dear. Now... Q717. Oh, yes. A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit. Suppose it matters not how strangely shaped or... spherical. said tree would be. Then I am over at Psalm 139 13. For you created my inmost being.

You knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Which brings us to Galatians. There is neither Jew nor Gentile. neither slave nor free nor is there male and female for you are all one in christ jesus so so then Yes, then scripture says that... It says that for life to love up fear... Is approved by Jesus? Seems so. Hmm. Hmm. Don't not add a wedlock. No! No! That is where we draw the line. Leif, your box is ready. Thanks. What?

Is that? Nothing. Just some stuff I left here a while back. Some stuff? Yeah, it's some stuff, you know. No big deal. What's in the box, Leaf? Nothing. Don't worry about it. You're saying don't worry about it a lot tonight. It's making me worry about it. I've got stuff stashed all over the place. I'm opening the box. No! Please speak security phrase. Security phrase? Don't worry about it. Oh, shit.

He's coming over here. All right, here we go. Oh, shit. What? Dumb fucking luck. You know him? Leif, you fucking idiot. Leif, buddy. Have you been? Minsky. You two know each other? Oh, Leaf and I go way back. Isn't that right, Leaf? Oh my god, is this a space pirate? I thought he'd be sworthier. He's not a pirate. He's worse. He's a lawyer. A space lawyer, please. Mind if I sit? Of course I do. So let's see here. You must be Dr. Ava. I am. And this must be the magical radio. Life.

Who is this man who has so rudely interrupted our evening? I apologize, everyone. I just had to come over here and say hello. Catch up with an old friend. A lot of talk out there, Leaf. You don't say. You guys got raided? By the Teds? How do you know that? Well, you see, that's my business. Knowing things. I've got my ear to the ground in every system. Leaf knows this. You, however, did not know this, Gloria.

I apologize for the chicanery at the bar. I couldn't help myself. You're so charming. Yeah, thanks. What's everybody drinking? Let me buy you a round. Okay. We were just leaving, actually. I don't know about that, Leaf. Hello, Leaf. Nice to see you. Sluggo. Francis? Leif, what's going on? Who are these major appliances? These are my associates, Sluggo and Francis. I'm sure you can tell by my appearance I don't like getting my hands dirty. And Sluggo and Francis, well...

I would say they like getting their hands dirty, but they don't like anything. Because they're robots. And robots don't like things. Because robots are idiots. And these particular robots just do whatever I tell them to do. Thugbot? I know you're kidding, but this model is literally called a Thugbot. They don't have to be here for this, Minsky. Sure they do, Leaf.

How else am I going to coerce you into doing what I tell you if I don't threaten your friends? Let's just make it official, shall we? If Leaf doesn't give me exactly what I want... He's going to watch while Sluggo and Francis here rip all of you to shreds right in front of his eyes. Please don't try to run, folks. They're much, much faster than they look. Great idea for a night out, Leash. It's the simplest thing.

That box there in front of Leaf belongs to an associate of mine. Leaf liked to hide things here at Red's, and he thought nobody knew about it. But of course I knew. And I also knew that Leaf was in trouble. So I set up camp at the bar and I waited for Mr. Predictable here to make a run for his stash. Let me guess. He said you guys deserved a night out. Son of a bitch, leave!

Don't worry, folks. Leaf here is an old softie. There's no way he'd let any of you get hurt on his account, so I'm sure he'll do exactly what I say. The box is right there. Why don't you just take it? Well, it's complicated, Gloria, for a couple of reasons. First, the box you see in front of him is called a crush box. If Leaf doesn't say the right security phrase, it instantly sucks...

all the oxygen out of the environment and compresses it into a little pellet makes it hard for most things in here to survive. Secondly, Leaf is one of the smartest guys I know. And right now, he's trying to figure out a way out of this predicament that he finds himself in without giving me what I want. He'll eventually realize there's no way out, though. I've got all night, so let's give him some time, shall we?

You want us to just sit here? I'd like to get to know everyone. This is a big deal for me, the staff of Midnight Burger at Red's Rectangle. I mean, what a story to tell. You want our autograph? I might. I might. That reminds me, Doctor. Would you mind if I engage you in a scientific discussion? I'm...

Pretty sure the guy with the killer robots makes the rules. It's true. That's me. It sure is. My question is this. Do you remember when Midnight Burger brokered a peace deal between warring factions on Naya Dee by playing a game of cornhole in the parking lot? Sorry. That wasn't us. No, that's the thing. It was you. I saw the news feeds. There was a picture of you. What? Correct me if I'm wrong, Doctor. I move through time linearly, right? Yes.

But Midnight Burger doesn't. Right. Then doesn't that mean that there can be stories from my past about Midnight Burger that you haven't experienced yet? Because it can be in my past. but your future, right? Theoretically, yes. So there can be a ton of Midnight Burger stories that have happened already in my timeline that you know nothing about. It's...

Possible. Wow. What about, uh, let's see. What about when you brought a walrus to the court of the High King on Wilsonite? Definitely not. A fucking walrus? Amazing. You guys haven't done that yet? There could be tons of stories out there that I know and you don't. There seems to be a lot of things you know that we don't. Like I said it's my job to know things.

For example, I also know that you guys are no longer time traveling. How do you know that? Gloria, what did I just say? Why is it happening? Are we exchanging information? Are we friends now? No, absolutely not. All right. Well, since I like you guys, I'll let you in on it. It's the Teds. They've got some sort of space station way out there. It's sending out some type of signal that has you guys trapped in the...

quote, here and now in these three galaxies. How is that possible? I have no idea. I leave things like that up to other people. I hear it's something to do with time crystals? Fucking time crystals? The Teds are a patient bunch. They plan to trap you here in their territory and just wait until you show up right in their lap. I also heard about that neat little trick Leaf played with the purple nullifier. Nice work, by the way. They'll be ready for that next time.

I'm never picking up a guy at a bar again. Come on, Gloria, don't say that. You know, if Leaf were listening to anything I have to say right now, I would explain to him that myself... My associates. We could be his best friends in this time of need. When you're in trouble with the Teds, you come to us. Who's us? Loaf Trax. The space pirate? That's right. You're...

The space lawyer for the space pirates? It's a living. I think this has gone on long enough. Goodness. I'm so sorry, I forgot about you two. It's so easy to forget you're right there since you're, like... Not really there, am I right? Leif, perhaps it's for the best if you give this man what he wants. Thank you, Effie. Let's let cooler heads prevail. Do not address me directly, you carpetbagger. Yikes.

My dear, Leaf appears to be in the midst of a moral dilemma. Trust me, that's not it. But hey, speaking of moral dilemmas, I have a question for you two. How do two followers of the... Who is it again? His name is Jesus. Right. Two followers of Jesus. How do you feel comfortable cavorting with criminals like Leif?

Shouldn't you shun him? Shouldn't you spurn him? No, we should not. We don't speak of it often, but back in our homeland, the Baptists may quite often have an understanding with the bootlegger. For we both desire the abolishment of whiskey and all its relatives. Just as Leif and ourselves have the shared goal of not being turned into some sort of griddle cake by these heartless automatons of yours. I see.

Strange bedfellows. It happens all over. Interesting that you describe Leif as having a moral dilemma, though. It doesn't seem quite like him, does it, Leif? Morals? See, to have morals, you have to have made certain choices with your life, and that's not like Leaf, to make choices. Invent something amazing on Earth, gives it up in exchange for a ticket to the stars. Then what does he do?

Drifts around for a while, cooks some food. Then he realizes he's been conned by the Teds. What does he do then? Does he return to Earth to try to rectify his mistake? No, no, that would require bold choices, wouldn't it? Leaf's not about that. He just becomes a criminal. Now, of course you're saying, hey, becoming a criminal is a bold choice. You put on a mask, you rob some banks, but no, that's not actually what Leaf does.

What LEAF does is help criminals commit crimes, making sure they have everything they need, which I'll grant you is still a crime, but I think we can all agree it's the most non-crime way to be a criminal. Always just dangling his feet in the water. He doesn't even commit to that. He becomes a cook.

on a time-traveling, dimension-spanning diner, zipping around the multiverse, making hamburgers for the downtrodden like that's gonna do any good. So much potential, Leaf. You could have been so much. Instead, you're just a toddler's toy on the floor. bat it around until you finally end up under the couch. What a waste. Well, I've said my piece. And I still haven't. gotten what I want. Which means I'm going to have to pick up the pace a little bit.

I've been told Loaf Tracks would like a word with Dr. Eva, so I'm afraid the violence is going to have to start with you, Gloria. Sure thing, boss. Nothing personal, Gloria. Gloria, which of your arms do you like the best? Just give him what he wants. Minsky, just take me and the boss. You're mistaking this for a negotiation. You know what? I'll choose. Sluggo, take the left arm, please. Sluggo.

Francis, what are you waiting for? Guys? Um, well, now, this is quite a thing, isn't it? Oh, my God. Honey, look at you. You look as though my daddy's tractor had legs. The fuck is happening? Ed, look at you, husband. You look like some kind of... Overgrown potato bug. Holy shit. How'd you guys do that? I still seem to have four arms, don't I? What do you suppose they're all for? What the hell is this? I'm unsure, dear. But...

I can think of what mine are for. This isn't the last of me, Leaf. You can't run for... You have yourself a seat right here, Mr. Fancy Warrior. You're hurting me! Don't try and run now. As you were saying, we're much faster than we look. Indeed. We want a whole three... I get raced at the country fair, sir. We did win that race. Yes, dear. It was a wonderful time. You did so well in that race, darling. Thank you, honey. We won a whole pie. Okay, okay, okay, okay. No need to get out of hand.

I'm sure we can come to an agreement. Yes. Here's the agreement we're coming to. You're going to agree that we're leaving. And we're going to agree not to twist your tail off like a crawfish. You understand me? I understand. I understand. Ava. Grab the wireless. Leif, grab that box of yorn. Gloria, please do pick a better dance partner in the future. Yeah, this was a bad start for me. Get gone, y'all. One last thing before we depart. Sir.

You are employed by evil forces. Please inform them that though we may look like sheep in the field, we are watched over by a mighty force. His name? is jesus christ and if you think this is the only trick up his sleeve i suggest you read of moses in the land of the pharaoh next time it'll be the frogs Boss, what's happening? Where did they go? Who the fuck are these people? Thanks for supporting the Fable and Folly Network. Here's another show we know you'll love.

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The first couple ballets swing. And the jet around the outside ring. Anyway... It's called panpsychism, the idea being that each atom has a certain amount of consciousness. And when atoms arrange themselves into complicated structures, that's when consciousness as we know it would manifest itself. But look at you guys. Where are the atoms, guys? Where are you? We're right here, Ava. Ava, anytime you want to just start calling them miracles, we're here for you. Whatever.

Where's Gloria? She's in the back. I think she was a little shaken up by... Outside. Now. Bring the damn box. Oh, Leaf is in trouble. Shut up. Gloria, I'm really sorry. I like both of my arms, Leif. I'm glad I got to keep them. I wouldn't have let him do that. How do I know that? What? As it turns out, you're a big pile of bullshit. That's not true. Ever since I got here, you're a bullshit pile. No, I'm not. Why didn't you tell me about any of this? Because I'm ashamed.

Okay, I'm ashamed of it. Everything Minsky said back there was true. I could have done something great, but I didn't because it was too... I could have fought for the right thing, but it was too hard. So I just became a criminal. Then I couldn't even be a good criminal. I'm ashamed of all that. But I like it here. I like being with you guys. I didn't... Tell you because... Slave! I'm a taquera in space. I'm running away from a virus and a heartbreak and bullshit. Ava's running away from some...

Kind of misogyny, but for smart people that I don't really get yet. But suffice to say, I'm glad now that I didn't go to college. God knows what Casper was running from. But none of us are running from ourselves. Because you can't. No matter where you go, there you are. So stop the bullshit, okay? Just be you. Okay. Now. Open the box, Leif. Actually, I think it's probably safer if we keep it closed. Leif, open the fucking box. Please speak security phrase.

In 1970, Doc Ellis pitched a no-hitter on LSD. Access granted. What is it? A Rubik's Cube? It's... basically... A thumb drive, but on a quantum level. What does it do? If I install it in the right system, it destroys the Teds. Destroys them? All of them? Yes. But... Here's the thing. No matter what happens, we can't use it. We can't? Okay. Tell me everything.

This place. It's crazy. Red's rectangle. It's a meteor inside of a nebula. There's a bar here Leaf used to tell me about. I thought we could go there, ask around. I don't know. What are you drinking? It's a margarita, but it's a yard long. They call it a yard. Do you want some? No. Why are you drinking it? Well, I can't help it. I tend to mimic my surroundings. Am I blending in?

There's like 27 different races here. Nobody's blending in. How about if I do this? You guys, I'm so hammered right now. Would you help me look for this place, please? Sorry. Casper? It's Casper, right? Do I know you? Sorry, the name's Minsky. I'm a friend of Leafs. You are? Have you seen him? Wait, what kind of friend? The best kind. The kind that's concerned for his safety. Oh yeah?

He's told me all about you. I heard you got nabbed by the Teds. Did you escape? Yeah. When did he tell you about me? Don't worry about it. How about you come with me? We'll track down Leaf. Who's this guy? Uh... You know, I think we're good, actually. Thanks. Casper, I've had a very long day. How about you come with me? Who are these guys? Hello, Casper. Nice to meet you. Casper, I'm just going to cut to the chase.

You're going to come with me now, and you're going to help me find Leif. Oh, so this is one of those asking me politely but not really asking me situations. I'm afraid so. Here's the problem. You won't have to worry about a thing. You can even take your sex bot with you. Excuse me, his what? No kink shaming. Hold my yarg. What are you doing? Hiya! Oh my god! You want some? Please, no. Whoops. His head just flew right off, didn't it? Uh-huh. I'll be right back. What the fuck? So...

She's not a sex bot. And thank God. Am I right? Do you have any idea how much these bots cost? Listen. She's going to finish up with your boy anytime now and will probably just start in on you when she's done. So how about you tell me everything you know before she beats it out of you?

Who the fuck are you people? Ridiculous excuse for a technological advancement. We run a diner. And about here, partner. Your corner's all... And now the gal across the hall. The first couple bow and swing. And the jet around the outside ring. Okay, everybody into the square dance to celebrate our Monte Cristo level and above supporters. Wilson, Billy, Aiden, Bert Bert, Bethany, Cinnamon, Melvis Gray Mystery.

Deodand. Ruth McCormick. Existentially Exhausted Bean. Special K. Naya. Anna. Ben and Jessica. Bear Keeper Levi. And let's not forget our old friend Todd. Thanks for listening to Midnight Murder, y'all. Be sure and tune in this time next month for more adventures in the vastness. And if time and tide roil you too harshly, or diurnal courses leave you with no safe havens, just remember, we're out there somewhere looking for...

We open at six. And I meet your lady with the left hand round. Your cornered lady with the right hand round. Partnered left, you're all the way around. And a right hand lady with the right hand round. Then go back home and swing. The Fable and Folly Network, where fiction producers flourish.

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