"The Open Relationship Expert" with Kerryn Feehan

Today's podcast is brought to you by zipcar dot Com. Earned twenty five dollars of free driving credit at www dot join zipcar dot com slash Unofficial Experts. Hello, welcome to the Unofficial Expert where we.

Are smarter than everybody listening right now.

Yes we are. We got an MBA and nothing.

And nothing and not a damn thing, A PhD in I could do that.

I could do that. If I had time and stuff, I could totally do that.

Well, I'm Sydney Washington and I'm Marie.

You don't need to know my last name, Siddy. I feel like you should stop telling people that your hair is not real and how old you are and what's your last name?

Wait?

Are we starting off the podcast with this negative?

No? I just feel like you need you need to just cloak yourself in that. What's the word I'm looking for here? I don't know what the word is. Yeah, I wanted to use the word cloak.

That doesn't go in the sentence. But I'm not ashamed of any I'm not saying you.

Have to be a shamed but I feel like you could be a little bit more secret.

You're obviously not an exportment. Your damn business.

Yeah, well you tell everybody your business. So you were an expert at telling the world yo business, run.

Tell that home boys a home boy, Marie were you're an expert in this week.

I was an expert in not paying for no food this week. Let me tell you how I killed the game. Monday leftovers from Sunday. Okay, it was like a roll was like rice and peas with like carrots and beats. Boom killed it. Tuesday leftovers from work right, it was also rising peas and uh jerk pork and plantains. Plantains

You know, up top, I thought you were like, Oh, I went on a days this week, somebody was paying for my food.

Work paid, and then my mom had sent me some leftovers. And then I just happened to get a wristband to this event last night because my wrists are real sex.

That sounds boring.

I want to know where's the people paying for your dinners?

Well that's gonna happen today. Today, I might go get some steak.

Really you with her with her friend from last week? After this if you want to come, Okay, it's gonna be after this nice.

Cool see how to see Me Selfless?

Sam expert in selfless putting your girl on?

Did you kill it?

In Today?

This week?

This week? I was an expert in being a peeping time?

Who are you weeping at?

Well? I was getting off the train, the Jay train.

And somebody they dig out, and you were like, what why you.

Want to tell my story? Like, can I'll let you live? Can you let me live?

Anyway? I walk onto the train station.

McDonald's was right near my house, so you know, I always walk by because I'm like, oh, there's always some random crackhead. So I'm very cautious, so I'm always looking, dude.

Do do do? Do?

Do? Do? I see a man getting head in between two part cars.

And did you stay there to watch them finish?

Absolutely? I was infuriated by his whole outfit.

Okay, so the outfit is what upset you? Not what was happening?

Oh no, Well, first of all, he had a windbreaker on, so that's on that one. I mean, I feel like those are coming back nineties or.

A six.

Okay, I own a six, so I don't really know.

Those are a terrible, terrible sneaker.

Well, what was she wearing? Was it a chicken redo?

I couldn't tell what she was sitting down like no he or she was squatting like a get what is it?

Get your egle on position?

Oh? Drop down?

Get you?

Yeah, so I couldn't tell.

You couldn't tell if it was a chicken redo.

No, it was in Listen.

People identify with everything now, so I'm just gonna say it was a person.

I know it was a human being.

It was a nastiest person.

No, you ain't never gave a head outside.

Of No, I am much classier than that uh red lobster his or olive gardens dom you know. I mean, come on, because I'm a lated.

Wait, and what do you wear when you when you're giving head outside?

Obviously Chinese slippers and like a baggy capri pant.

No, I want like those stretch pants that are fake demim that's what I want.

Jaggings.

Jaggings.

No, no, no, but they have like the jeans stitched on and the fake pocket. Yes, that's what I want to wear. Well, and chocolate Anthos and I want to have a doobie. I want to have pins in my hair.

Uh well, I mean yeah, because you don't want to eat your hair to touch the dick.

That's gross.

No, but he he.

I just feel like guys need to do better with their outfits when they're going outside.

We women are prepared for anything. We never know when we might get a day.

You've never seen a woman who was not prepared for something.

Really, let you stay with an overnight bag.

You see how I do?

City is professional lady.

I have makeup, I have lashes. She carries all of her makeup, perfumes.

I have three pairs of glasses sunglasses.

Three three pairs.

Yeah, you never know.

You never know when the sun is gonna come out three times or it's gonna be three sons.

No, I have like the paparazzi sunglasses. I have the chill glasses. I have the glasses that you can wear at night. I mean, on you, you do not have glasses you can wear it?

Listen? Oh gosh, all right.

Can we start? Yes?

Are you done?

I'm done?

Okay, yes, So we're bringing in our guests today. Oh, I'm so excited. I love her so freaking much, and.

She's so good at what she does.

She really is.

Give it up for Karen Feehan. Yes, hey, ladies, how are you have such a good podcast for it?

No, I don't. I'm naisal. I sound like a jew.

Well when you said NAIs, you were NAIs. Just don't say that word, all right.

Your voice sounds like you you have money, like your own properly no money.

You bought me breakfast I did.

Don't be telling everybody on the fucking podcast what I'm doing for you, white woman.

Elizabeth Washington, that Sydney.

That ain't even my middle name.

You know, I'm trying to close cloak her in that or whatever that thinking about.

Anyway, People don't know about this inside joke that you're talking about.

Anyway, Karen is an amazing comedian.

She'd be killing the game right all day.

And she'd be hurting feelings all day long.

She's a bit.

You are really good at being like kind of maze.

Yeah, but like because you're so patitue. Yeah. Also because you're white, you think so well, you're orange, so orange people.

Get raise a bit. What was.

Not on the podcast?

Carry hold on name Two examples of when I was one, okay, because.

There was a one time on the group text where we both made fun of Sydney for being earlier shows all the time.

That was yesterday, you guys are and then the second time.

The second time was another time we made fun of Sydney.

The podcast is over, y'all bitches to have it. I'm out.

I'm the unofficial expert leaving this dumb ass podcast.

You're official expert of Get your Feeling's Hurt.

But Feehan is going to be our expert on open relationships today.

Hell yeah, I'm excited open relationships.

Now, what do you define an open relationship?

As? I think that that's going to be different for everyone.

Yeah, but what was your bullshit?

My personal definition, you are allowed to sleep with people outside of your relationship. So you're in a relationship with someone, right, like a specific person, but you're allowed to sleep with other people outside of it. And my open relationship it was when we weren't in the same city together. Then it was like, all that's are off. You can do whatever you want.

Okay, So if you were in Manhattan and he was in Brooklyn, then that means.

No, that's the same state.

No, that's stay from Borough.

That's the same.

State though, Yes, but it's New York City City City, don't know geography.

Grew up in Oakland.

We're gonna cut that out.

They don't have that.

We're gonna edit that out. We're gonna leave that right up in there.

That person I was in the urban relationship with was in LA and New Orleans for a lot and he was doing a lot of road gigs for the majority of our relationships.

Oh, I see you plugging that.

He was somebody so he was you Wait, so you knew he was banging other people, so you were like, oh, I'm also gonna be banging people while you're not here.

What happened? Yeah? I had just come out of an eight year relationship so terrible and I mean overlap, Like new boyfriend picked me up from old boyfriend's apartments.

Okay, I've done that before you and he rode.

Me to my new place to like moved me into my new apartment, right he I mean, I love it. I still love him. We text every day.

Huh.

I adore him, his friends. I love it. That's not like the dick was goog Yes, very we had excellent sexual chemistry.

Did you hear it.

Very It was very good. It was actually quite wonderful. It's very I would have been to say very Oh my god, said.

The word very very it really.

So it's very good.

The dick was you was digmatized.

But huge penis Like is that really a big deal? Like a big deck?

But if it's big and he don't know what he's doing with the dick, does that mean something?

Sometimes? But like if it's hard enough, I'll figure it out. Oh my god, why.

What do you mean?

You see a lot of big Olympics? Is that what I mean?

I'm dealt with some Olympics in my life.

But were they big? Though?

Yeah? One of the ones. Yeah, people have drunk addictions.

In this Country's true. I agree, you know. Okay, so you and your boo?

All right, so I'm with that guy for eight years, right, so I'm I don't even I have no mourning period for this relationship. It's just boom right into the next one and he's like.

How did you meet this next one?

A comedy?

Wait, that's where you be failing in life?

Like why why?

I hate that ship? I hate when people say don't date comics.

I don't do it always.

I love funny guys. Why wouldn't I date somebody that I think is funny. I like funny people better than regularly.

That's the problem with women.

We will date somebody because they funny, and dudes are like, nah, you need to have your ship on point.

Listen, Well, date a funny dude who got no teeth, lives at his mom on a pull out twin me that he shares with his grandmother. Like, yeah, no, you can take somebody who's who's not a comedian. A lot of comedians are not funny.

I agree, I agree, I like somebody.

The comedians I've dated are pretty have been pretty successful.

I like somebody who owns a bank that has a sense of humor, owns a bank, owns a bank. Oh jd uh Cooper, Yeah, d.

Chase is his name.

TD is his first name, TD and like TDS like TDS titty bank.

They have a lot of ATMs. So wait, what was your question? Sah?

Was there a question?

It was more of an insult.

No, yeah, because she was saying that she dates comics, and I'm just like, wait, what.

I wouldn't I can't.

I mean, we can't have the same struggle like that. We're both struggling to be funny. I mean, even if he's more established, he still has struggling with his ego.

That is that I think that that you hit the nail on the hat. That's like the main issue with dating comics, the narcissism and the insecurity. And you're like, listen, I have all that myself. I don't need you piling any of yours online.

And you ain't got no money, and I know you ain't got no money, and then I gotta see you bomb.

Oh god, my guy.

Never mom.

You want to talk about is comedy? Like can we talk about like my bangs or something? Literally? Anything else? So I don't think I could do it, but you it was through comedy that you met dude number.

Two, number two, right, And I was also bartending at the time, and I started working with this guy, and I knew I was gonna have sex with him. And the thing is I didn't.

Want Did you know did you get a tingle?

He smelled it everything I was gorgeous. Do you want to see his picture?

Yeah, was a picture, let's see.

And it was like right away, like day one, I'm like, oh, there's no way we're not having sex.

Okay, Well, I don't think I've ever felt that.

I've never thought that. You thought that, as you've seen somebody s yes, I listen to the opposite. I think we definitely we never gonna touch ever. Let me see.

Oh okay, yeah, it took you three pictures to get me to the good step.

We had a suit on.

Okay, that's I wasn't feeling that.

Yeah, the suit is too baggy. It's looking at Men's warehouse right off the very. It's given me birlt.

Base. It's giving me Lowmans.

It's giving me Lowmans Men's department.

It was very it was very, very, very very macy.

It's a very century twenty one felleens.

He's so cute.

Wait, so he came in.

He's he's got tattooed.

White man would have tattooed. Don't kill you.

He's great a white man without a tattoo.

Also, that's a great photo.

He looked old in that photoop. Let me see that that photo too greedy?

Oh my god, what is it like?

He's serving the good, the bad, and the ugly realness right here.

It's like Western out of this like German.

You know.

Over time he had like a weird skinny face. So yeah, no, so I I just but I loved Keith, the guy I was dating. I loved him and I didn't want to break up with him.

This is but you talked to him. You told me, if I'm going out and i'm getting I'm.

Gonna get some dude.

Yeah, I'm definitely gonna do you mind, right?

And he did not mind?

Do you agree to?

I was like, because, I mean that was sort of the you know, the turning point. We sort of had to make a decision because I wasn't gonna cheat on him, and I guess he could have broken up with me, you know, since I wanted to have six with someone else.

But I got afraid that you're gonna die when you come up to your white boyfriend and say, hey Keith, yeah oh he was black. Oh then you weren't afraid that he was smack in the face and be like, hey, I won't sleep with somebody else.

I don't want shoot on you, but we will make her he was.

This is my other thing I believe in. People are very cyclical with their relationships. Like my eight year guy was abusive in a certain ways, like emotionally and when I when I quit drinking. I had less than support. Like I don't even know how to describe it.

It was opposite of well, that sounds very correct, very we're gonna run that very down. We're gonna say that for the most of for the rest of aodcast.

But Keith was like more of a beta like he was really just like sweet and nice.

I mean, I know he would give you that keen wa dick? Is that that.

Keen wad dick? I'm sorry, what Please explain what that is?

I'm very I'm pretty sure it's pronounced.

Shut up quinola. That sounds like a woman that works at the d m v no actually works at Filine's pasement.

I don't know how you don't know? That's very so he Okay, well hold on, so let's go back to this. So then, what happened you sleep with this dude?

Yeah?

And I mean I sort of without a condom?

None of your business.

I mean, are you a raw dogging bitch? What that do from the photo with all the tattoos?

I mean, I guess the first couple of times we use the condom.

And then keep his men men min house, warehouse or whatever.

Blazer on did you do?

He took all his clothes off and put the blazer back. They band can dress you.

That would be amazing my face. Why did you do that? I actually ended up writing an article about him because he would fuck me and stare at his own tattoos. He would I would catch him looking at his own arms and I'd be like hello. He was like, this counts as an armwork out for yeah, when I ended up writing something about that. But no, so he and I sort of have like a mini relationship while I was still having a relationship with Keith, Like, I met this guy's father. He came to a few.

Wait, so you met his dad and you weren't officially his girl.

Yeah, but his dad was just like in town. Yeah, it was like it.

Wasn't like I mean like we met so you just hanging out at the deli, just grabbing some sandwiches.

It was at his place. His dad was like like saying in his apartment for a couple of days.

Uh. I don't know how I feel like.

Keith's dad. No, Keith doesn't really have a relationship with his father.

That was gonna be my follow up question.

Yeah, because I was in prison for like fourteen years, do.

We talk about his dad on his podcast, talk about it. Don't you talk about his dad on his podcast?

You have some respect?

No, they have multiple They have multiple jokes about him.

Put some respect on it, Orange Lady.

They went on Jimmy Fallon talking about it. It doesn't really feel about it.

Okay, okay, okay, let's get to the good stuff, all right. So after that, you then started doing open relationships with like everybody.

No, this is my this is my only open relationship. But I'm not against it, and I'm struggling right now with the person I'm dating because men just can't do it, Like men would rather cheat on you than be honest.

Yep, yes, I agree with that.

And it's just so weak, it's so cowardly, it's so disrespectful. It drives me insane. It's like treating your partner like they don't deserve the same truth that you're living. It's like it drives me nuts.

Have you have you ever cheated on somebody?

Yeah, of course you've cheated on somebody.

Absolutely, I've never cheated on somebody. Any relationships have you had?

Though? One?

Exactly exactly.

I cheated on my eighth grade boyfriend.

With who like a n I hope it was a ninth grader.

I was out of state.

I was in he was in Massachusetts.

And I was, Oh my god, me too.

Yeah, I had. I had a grade no, no, no, I was in college.

I had. I had a boo in Massachusetts and I had a boo in Philadelphia's that the same coast?

Yeah?

And I I had a Tiffany's and Co bracelet from one young and uh, pizza and cola cola?

Was it cream soda?

It was cola? It was like R C R C A what is it? What kind of colon is rc?

Yeah? That you got it? So funny.

I've never cheated anybody because I'm good Christian queen, thank you. H So you have cheated, But men cheat regularly because they don't want to admit that they want to sleep with somebody else.

Yeah, I'm and I think it's just this controlling, manipulative mechanism that they've been you know, brought up to. Like seriously, it's like, sincerely believe that if a woman doesn't know that it doesn't hurt her, that it can't hurt her.

Yeah, but I feel like knowing is better.

No, it's it's complicated. I mean I just rather you like treat me, you know the way when I don't think they lie to their guy friends like that.

They'd been like yeah, and then she came eighteen times, she said the best she ever had.

And she left my house. She couldn't even walk, That's what they said. And then she made me a girl cheese che.

No gasp, Greg, regular.

And you and you asked me for a metress wife, Greg? Wait, how do you propose these things, these open relationships?

I just said it to him. I was just like, hey, how do you feel about being in an open relationship? Because the truth is we jumped into a closed relationship too quickly, like I wasn't done with that. You know how you gotta like spread your wings a little after you were in a relationship for a while. No, no, no.

My wings have been closed in September.

You gotta like get you gotta like get it in.

The sounds like me very white women behavior, right, yes, very very well. It's a rebound. I'm on a rebound for three years, just banging everybody.

Yeah, I told you this was an overlapping relationship. I never had any time.

It sound like you spread your wings from one relationship, right, into the other.

Relationship though, Yeah, but I did. Yeah, but that was.

Your hopscotching to the next dick. I see you.

That wasn't a good idea though, Like I should have been like I need a little time to.

Like, yeah, it needs to rest, it needs to recuperate.

I mean, you want to let your vagina use some if it's vacation days, you do so?

Is there like a weight requirement? Like you only tell men who are under one hundred and fifty ts, like so you don't get fucked up? Like how do you do it over the phone a regular dude?

Like, hey, why.

I think men and women are different. I'm happy to communicate and do it. I told him before I slept with the guy, because we had been flirting, we had been texting, we were trying to like kind of starting to make plans, and I was like, I can't go make plans.

Did you put it in a calendar?

Oh yeah, she put it in the calendar.

Oh yeah. I mean this wasn't my only little many relationship. I had probably like three or four little mini relationship Wow.

Wow, are we calling them relationships? Because you met all the dads or were.

Banging the dads.

It's a dad magnet.

I call them many relationships because I think that's how that's another difference between women and men, Like we're more aroused if we are emotionally connected in some way aroused.

I'm gonna go ahead and say I don't want to be emostly connected to anybody, don't.

It is a strange breed. She just doesn't want any type of like I love you or touching.

No, no heart to hearts, go touching base, don't checking. I don't even look at my eyes when you talk to me. Look at my forehead.

Well I'm looking at you right now.

Yeah, but we're not at no chemistry here, there is.

None, absolutely none.

So funny, So have you ever like proposed an open relationship to somebody who freaked out, like was like hell no and like through your laptop out the window.

Yeah, like my like the current person that like I'm kind of seeing.

Well, isn't he Puerto Rican?

Well you know that blood is what.

I don't know why you would try to do that.

You're at a Starbucks or somewhere Republic when you asked you that.

Okay, let me let me be him. Let's just re enact. Okay, Yeah, how did you go do it?

Wait? Where were you guys?

First?

Let me set the scene where you guys at.

Probably just outside on the street.

Wait, I'm him, Okay, so I'm just walking by.

I'm just walking about walking my daughter.

Right now, I'm gonna get You're gonna be me.

I I'm him?

Okay.

Hey, hey, hey, Karen, you're so funny. Your set was so good last night.

She is really funny, isn't.

And it asks fat?

Thanks your friend.

Oh, I'm sorry. I don't teach what we can.

So that was a great re enactment. That's gonna win an Emmy for sure.

That's an egot, right, ask for me?

Thank you?

Okay, hold on, let's just do this over one more time. Yeah, all right, hey baby, can I borrow fi?

May I?

May I borrow fifty dollars?

Karen?

Why don't judt your friend?

My friend?

And why am I doing?

Yeah? Because you are a man.

You're playing yourself with a voice.

You are.

Somebody said that to me. I went in for like this casting thing and they were asked they were looking for like a female host, and I was telling them I was in the midst of my open relationship and I was explaining my ideologies and stuff, and the dude looked at me and goes, you're kind of like a dude.

That dude doesn't get none, or to bring it down Karen by saying your dude.

People told me that I've been called the man in my relationship.

You're You're not a man, Marie at all.

You're just we came up more masculine than feminine.

I took a test. I'm ninety. What was it?

You guys think that's fun.

It's hilarious because you know Sydney, it would just be a vagina that popped.

Up, understood, it would just be an open heart.

No testa my heart is very open, sounds really gay, which makes sense coming from you.

Okay, so how do you feel about different things entering you during the same period of time?

I'm sorry, what double penetration? How do you feel about that?

How do you mobody is getting dped but okay? Would you hook up with one guy and then hook up with him the next another one the next next day?

How does that?

How do you turn my axes in a twenty four hour period like last than year?

Well, tell us the time. Tell us what time did you banged the first one.

So I oh, I went over like my ex the actor act and it's been a very long time since I've had sex with him. But he is like my friend did like this reading, and she thinks that we've been like intertwined for like age, like past lives.

I always smack my friend in the reading of like her tarot cards at a rip them cards.

You know why We're gonna stay with some cards, like bitch, if you don't get out of here with them fucking cards.

It's like this is the night of cups. That means that your moon is rising the car. That means is you can get some dick. Yeah, but it's gonna be old dick.

Bitch. I know you got some cards on sale at Target. Get them out of here right now. This is the king up a choker.

You're just like I have what I got a flush?

Wait? Hold on, so she said that you wait, So what time did you bang the first dude?

So I like to see early afternoon.

Give us the schedule, and then the next juju banged.

With time because I probably did yoga first in the morning. And because the guys, you.

Got to get this semen out via yoga.

You gotta do your or whatever your third eye has to remove semen.

Yes, he would always get me to and he's not a comedian, he's an actor, and he would get me because he would just be like funny and I hear what did I say?

What is with you with these funny dudes?

I like that?

Do you don't how many funny?

We're funny people.

I'll see every day we're funny.

How come you don't want us?

I do?

You are constantly rejecting me, and.

She's never asked me because she knows on the record Marie is not gay.

She wants no parts.

Sorry, wait, how are we not able to finish this? Okay, so you beg to dude twenty four hour period? Have you ever bang two dudes at the same time?

Don't go back.

I don't have that kind of concentration. I don't have that kind of man power.

I feel like, if you put your mind to.

Me, I would the other problem with men now, Like I mean, I I tapped out of a threesome with another girl once because we started and then she came out with these like diesel bomb tits and have like bar bells through both of them, and I'm like, I gotta go.

I gotta go. Like you were intimidated by her nipples.

By the size of sheer, size of her breast.

They did you not know she had booth before she took her clothes.

I think I knew, but I didn't know them.

Yeah, they were real.

Yeah, yeah, Why would you do that to your TV?

Did a Kendle do it? She kept wanting me to do it. She's like, he was like my TV. I was like, I don't know. I just wanted to go. And then I like made the guy like spoon me so he like wouldn't touch her for the rest of the night. I was like, we're going to sleep.

Oh she spent the night?

Yeah, no, I would go home. There's no way I'm not staying after you curve me.

No way.

I got to be the big spoon because I got the big boobs.

I'm taking my barbells and going home.

Roommate. She was my roommate.

Home was across the hall.

No, we were like at this other guy's apartment we lived in.

We had to walk across the square to get.

I got kicked out of all the dorms of my college. Wow, my own apartment. By the time I was a sophomoret you.

Wait all the dorms as a freshman.

As a sophomore by the time as a sophomore, yeah, thank you, thinking, thank you. I did ninety hours of community service. I was just smoking pot and drinking. It was a dry dorm. It was right over here.

Did you graduate? Yes?

Okay, well are you that?

Yeah? No?

No, no, I have a BA and acting and I minored in French.

So you you were as a waitress and.

I'm on reality television you now.

Have you gotten any new dick from the reality TV stuff?

No? No, But all I'm getting are like fact guys that are like, hey, I think you're kind of a bully, but you want to hang.

Out people who like, you know, to be disrespected. But would you would you ever be like a dominatrix?

I have one guy on my phone, who's my pay peg? Who?

Wait?

Is that are you going into leading into dominate trix stuff or.

It's financial dominate dominate trix it's not necessarily yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll give I'll give it. You be you'll be good at him. He's he's fine.

I got him, so you don't have sex.

I got him from Micah Fox too.

Okay, so are you getting her?

She's yeah, Like Bill's like, these.

White women are making it happen.

Girl, we are very behind, very.

It's a pay pig. Okay.

So it's some white man who's just even he's dropping money the account to any see him.

Wait is it never? He'll try, but you never have to see him.

And it's through like Square cash pay Pal, and he keep seeing.

You get the money directly. You get it directly, like the same day. I mean, they charge you a dollar, but I just I'd rather get all the money like a day late.

Don't take my dollar. I'm going to need Okay, so wait, go back to this paypic.

So he just his fetish is being financially dominated. So he'll text me, wait, it's a lot on Fridays, you know, we just got paid, and he'll be like, Hi, what are you doing?

Wait?

K I will show you guys. It's so fun. It's so fun.

Do you have a picture of him?

I can show you because he's on Facebook. Let's see.

I want to see the type of guys that are just like.

They're texting ek click. Wait He's like what are you doing? And then you're like, I'm out here trying to pay some bounce my check book and he's like, oh.

Legit, you don't even have to write a sentence. You just write send.

That's amazing.

I'm so good at typing, Sad.

I know you are. You'll I'll give you his number right now.

And he'll see a picture of Marie with the banks.

The picture just to know. But this is he.

Looks like eke, Oh wait, what does he do?

Bitch? He gonna kill you?

What does he don't find any money?

Here's the thing. I don't think I need to upgrade my pay pay. Yes, yeah, how much it's a similar person who's making more money than that.

How much money? Does this still give you?

Twenty bucks a pop? You can get like forty in one night, probably Max.

Well that's nothing, girl.

But it's money for nothing.

That's like an uber that's an uber pool, a little Abu Dhabi pay pie.

I know, but this is my first one. I'm just like a baby. I'm like a nod and it's brought.

He's got a cat in his profile, Like, come on, and he's a cat.

Dude, girl, you have.

Two cats and they're dying range shut up.

Shut up. That's why I eat he is gonna skin you, is gonna skin you. And where your where your skin your leather? Your skin is already leather. Yo.

He got enough money to just be giving you money. Doesn't have any money.

No, he's me and Mike. Mike and I will like play off each other, Like he'll text me, He'll be like, hey, what are you doing? I'm like, said Michael money.

I'm like, oh my, that's crazy.

Okay, Sidney, how do we not know about these PAPIs?

Listen?

Because we're just trying to be independent women paying for our own things, even though you don't want to pay for your things. But you're like, you know, I'm not going to do too much.

It's not that, it's just I don't want to. I don't like owing anybody anything, right, I don't like like you give me money, like I don't. I feel like I don't like.

Oh, but if somebody by your stake, you're like, oh, I owe you nothing.

I don't know you nothing. We just we we broke red over like a file at like we talked. We discussed.

You know, there was an exchange exactly.

In exchange for you feeding me, you got to Karen, Karen, do you have any statistics like how many people are in open relationships in New York City.

That sounds wrong in New York City as I made it up. It's like in New York City is probably more.

It's probably a lot. People have different parameters and different rules though too, Like a lot some people are like, oh, we're in open relationships, but they'll just bring other people into their bedroom where they're both like swingers.

Have you ever been to like a swingers party?

No, but I've been invited.

Why didn't you go? Yeah?

I wasn't familiar with everybody who's gonna.

Be there, so you just want to go.

I guess I wasn't in the place. I think maybe I was in like a relationship. I wasn't in a Oh oh, you're like, oh this is too much. I'm still allowed to make decisions for myself.

Oh, here we go.

You can go to the swingers party and decide for yourself and just laugh at everybody and then eat the orders, like because you know else will be Yeah, who you should have just went there for the story, bitch, Like, come.

On, come on, if somebody listen, if you're listening to this right now, when you want to invite me or Sydney Washington, Sidney Elizabeth Washington. I will a swingers party, will come. We might not sit on the swing with you, but we will.

You guys will just point.

I will wear my ti lim boots. I will wear my timble in boots and orgy.

I will break my hair down and throw on a do rag with the tail out for the swinger part.

I will wear white so as. I will wear a choker. You know chokers.

Chokers are very wear damn chokers, Yeah they are. I'll wear a windbreaker around my waist.

No, you will not.

The swing party, he catch me.

I will come. I will come with Adidas track suit that I can like just clip off like a terrible snap.

Yeah.

Yeah, a windbreaker just around the waist.

We'll go to one tonight.

Okay, look fine, one fine one at paig to Wait.

Would you would you go to a swingers party in New York City or out of state?

I'm gonna want in New York like the New York.

Ones are probably they probably have like one.

Economically, I think that would be more.

I feel like a swingers party in Miami would be popping.

It mean, it sounds like a lot of cocaine and cocaine and fake asses.

What wouldn't you want to go to orgy like that? No, what kind of orgy would you go?

I need a clear head, shut up, and I don't I need people who don't have Like, does cocaine make you feel like you invincible?

Yes, because I don't need you running up on.

Me grabbing me cocaine muscles.

We're gonna fly together, Marie.

People show up with me and Marie, but they don't be on cocaine. They just arenaline. They're on white, they be on white, and they just I'm gonna go speak to Marie very She's very funny and approachable. She might be open to this.

Hey Marie, it's me. You don't really know me. That's the story of my life. Hey, Marie, we're on the same train. I was just wondering if you want to get off at my stop because you have nothing to do and you should hang out.

In true story for me, this white man said that to me on the train. Yeah, he complimented me. I responded, he was like, so I'm getting off here.

Oh, in that case, let me get.

Let me get my things, sir.

If you won't get your one metrol cord on my face.

He had that rolling backpack too, to traveling backpack.

He had snacks in that bitch.

He had had juicy juice this cold water, Marie, Yeah do Marie?

Would you do an open relationship like I've in like six years from now?

Six years from now?

Yeah? Why six years? I'm just saying because because I'm gonna be thirty this podcast is over.

I'm so done.

Because I'm gonna be thirty years old and I'll be mature.

Would I do an open relationship?

I feel like my thing with relationships is I don't want to see you every day one and I don't want you asking me what I'm doing when I'm not with you.

That's it.

So I feel like, yeah, I could do an open relationship if it was like two people.

Somebody's gonna catch you the whole foods and kill you, kill you. You're gonna be at the buffet, just stab you in the I am a traitor, Joe's ho. So it's not gonna be me at home foods.

It's different.

I mean, you don't know, And like with time with period, I don't know if I'm not into doing open relationships now like I was sort of brought it up to the person I'm seeing because we have some trust issues.

Like what's the issues?

You don't trust him?

Trust him? I mean he has I guess supposedly you know reason not to trust me. I would trust you implicitly, did you I.

Feel I feel like I don't know if. I mean, you have this dress on and you do look trustworthy now and her hair is in a slick back, low pony.

I can play trustworthy, yes, but you're giving me secretary vibes.

Cast is trustworthy?

No, you're somebody your eyebrows. Your eyebrows is like right, like a little mischievous.

You have them jafarrouse. Yes, you got the ursula eyebrows.

But I don't like all the guilt. And I learned you learn from different relationships being in an eight year relationship. It's wet under there.

Why you care? Sidney trying to shove her feet under a canting my arm in the studio.

We're in a fairy Famly.

My arm is probably wetter than my pussy right now.

Why would your pussy be wet at all?

Because we're here, we're here? Why would you ask not talking.

About Sidney dying? Cat?

Mary?

Just throw all the work.

We're getting no work done here, no work done.

It's so hot. It's so hot in here.

We can't afford a c We're in the penthouse, but we have no a crack the door open for the next one. Yeah, we will because there'll be three black people in here.

The next Okay, So, uh, what would you say?

So?

I feel like it like because there was so much infidelity and lying that this current relationship, well in the in my eight year relationship, that that's what led me to being like especially because I was dealing with putting drinking all the same time.

Oh, that's right, you're sober. How long you've been sober?

This time? Around a year and a half. Nice congrat I thank you appreciate that. Do you want to say how long it's been for you?

Almost two years in October?

You guys want know how long it's been for me?

Twenty six hours less.

She had a rose, She had a Kira Yell, had a couple of rose.

She had a negron.

That's fair.

I did not have a NEGRONI I'm not an old ass man, an old white man. That's a summer dreamer named Charles birth named Edgar.

Ethan.

I'm here for the NEGRONI just one ice cube.

A Tom Tom likes Tom. Oh my god, I hate it.

A gimblet, A gimblet.

I hate people who.

Asked that he has a straight perfect Manhattan an old fashion. Wait, how did we get to these old white man drinks?

I don't know?

Okay, So Karen, did you have a story about something that she wanted to share?

I got caught. So we had parameters.

Why don't you say this on topic?

You guys don't shut up?

Very delirious, all right, So we have parameters.

The rule because he was a comic was no comics.

No.

I can hear everything?

Are you?

I can hear it? It's can hear Yeah, we're almost done. We're like nine hours. We got this.

You gotta just breathe into it. You gotta.

We're gonna sit outside for a little bit, so so listen.

So whatever we got caught, I want to know how he caught me. Took the iPad that he had purchased for me and cracked into my eye cloud. Oh make up, so we can see my text messages on my phone. That's a guy for like CIA type of like shit, right?

That is so white Man and the Lifetime movie realness right there, they found out the nickname I was calling the other dude and texted me that nickname and I was on a bus.

I almost peid my pants. Was like, oh crap, because I had broken the rules. I had failed at being in an open relationship, but this one particular.

How did you fail?

Here's no comics, like on, just a pure numbers game. That's far more difficult than for me than it is for him. And I'm not saying that there's not beautiful women in comedy, of course, I'm just talking pure ratios.

No, but he's gonna hook up with somebody who's not in comedy because he's a man. But if you're a woman, you're gonna hook up with a guy that's in comedy, which which sounds our options are like so scarce.

You want to know what he did in the fuck up? So we My thing is like out of sight, out of mind. Don't ask hotel, but do not embarrass me. I'm still your girlfriend, you're my boyfriend. Do not embarrass me.

Oh that's hard because you embarrassed yourself.

Fine, but that's personal.

Okay.

Posted picture got tagged in a picture when he was in Canada with four other chicks.

They have clothes.

The caption said, this was the last time you know Keith whatever was ever seen again, very like, you know, they're like all over them, like hugging him and stuff. And it was like, he's in Canada. Of course he's gonna sleep with another girl.

That's fine.

I don't care. I assume you're going to But everybody can see that picture. Were they They were like basic Canadian can white.

They look like bacon, basic fake bacon.

Canadian bacon. So I, you know, I got really upset and I but I screen grabbed, of course the picture and he because he took it down immediately, and I just kept reposting it on his Facebook. You crazy woman, And again I was like, why are you taking this down? Why did you do this? Because I don't care what it is, but don't don't embarrass me. Don't do it, not not on Facebook, not on Instagram, to be like it was a very suggestive photo.

It was that it's whatever. Was the sex good? Just let's talk about the skin to the.

Six I told you was good. But he had some of the best sex I've ever had.

What was the craziest time you've had with him?

Crazy? We weren't that crazy. We were very like a marriage.

That's the most sex that you guys had in a day.

Probably, I don't know, four or five times?

Nothing number, that's.

Nothing, girl?

What about.

I don't know, I don't I plead the fifth three My mama to listen to the Podcastan is not going to listen to this podcastle okay, so zero times the amount of times.

Sydney, how many times? Probably like six?

She just had to do one more than what you said.

I was on Molly though, so and I was in Miami and he paid for it.

So like he paid for the Malli or the six Are you a prostitute?

Yeah? I was on the record, was with my boyfriend. Then I found out he put the trip on his corporate card. I was like, are you kidding me?

I mean, it's not on my card.

I don't care.

So you're dating the company?

Is the company still looking? Because I would actually be open to trying some MOLLI in Miami, Karen, I feel like we learned nothing.

Not a damn thing.

But we have a quiz.

We have a quick quiz.

It's going to be so oh my god, this is this is how we crown You were unofficial.

Actually an expert in this. Okay, hold on, let me just get my quarts these cards at as.

You're a great guest. We really enjoy you as a friend, learned nothing.

Would never introduce you to my dad, though, because my dad is a judging ass passing you know what dad has passed up?

I didn't know that. You know that's crazy?

God, like the Bible is did my two six seventeen? You're like, I'm just trying to get to the fridge last.

It's kind of slaxy.

Got on when my dad say, in a high water up sweat pot in a high watertpant?

Please what color with a light gray? Small?

But like the elastic beast so like old that it doesn't like it's a trick.

You gotta you gotta pin him up.

He ties a rope from outside to a tree.

Oh my god, Okay, we're gonna do this quiz.

Okay, all right, you're gonna do this quiz? Are you ready?

Are you ready?

I didn't study?

No, you know these But you're the expert, so well, it's not even really open.

Relationship is just six stuff cool because you because you.

A whole now youse, nou Karen? Can you need three sex positions where the woman is on top.

I mean, I don't know, reverse cowgirl. Okay, what's just regular being on top? What's that called?

That's called hill?

But I don't know. I don't know. What's like a like a like a scissors style one?

Is that both people on the same level?

Yeah, what's that? I don't know that move?

Canney?

Yeah, that's like so like if that's like a visual thing so he can see both your ass and.

Your Oh okay, we'll take that.

Yeah, I don't know that move.

I've done that before. It's good.

It's good because if he has good enough arms, you can hold onto his arms. I'm all about like leverage so I can get the best out of my lower body.

You are strengthen your core while you're doing that.

You're right here.

I'm here for that. Okay, you didn't get all three, but that's fine.

Regular what's regular woman on top? What's that called?

I think that's just again called not your last time?

What is a dirty Sanchez?

I don't know. Is that like like some ship like like has a new poop.

Yeah, you're getting, you're getting, You're getting.

The city Elizabeth Washington is gross.

Whatever it is it's gross, Sanchez, I don't know. Somebody eats your bi and then kisses you, you get like a mustache, like a poop mustache.

I'm gonna give you that. Don't give you that. I'll give you that. Do do do Do Do Do do do.

Brothers.

Okay, here's here's the number three miss off. What's the difference between an orgy and a train?

So like an orgy, there's like multiple couples and people like sucking a fucking and a train is just when a bunch of dudes run a train on a whole.

Now can a group of women run a train on a dude?

I don't see why not.

We should be able to. We have rights. Okay, I want to see a woman. I want to see a couple of women run a train on a Jamal. Why can't it be an Edgar? No, that is not train worthy name. That sounds like the conductor, not the train.

I kind of want to like rape one of these like male comics talking ship, just to see if you'll go to the police ride if you can.

If you rape a male comedian, who would you rape Tim Dylan?

Really?

Yeah?

I don't think he would let you rap him.

T Lane what Joe Kim boostera comics. Yeah, those are the only ones and I feel comfortable raping.

That's awful. Okay, what's the last question? You go see the last question and for the for the one.

Hundred thousand million dollars. Okay, this is the big question.

Are you ready? Are you ready?

Hand?

Are you ready?

Expert?

Name a state where polygamy is legal?

Oh fucking it's like iowor Idaho or Oregon or something. It's like one of these middle of the country square estates. Have never seen a body of water.

Fucking creeps.

It's Wisconsin or something that's that's neara.

What is it?

What is that? Fuck like? It's where? Bring him in?

Young?

Is that university? It's the Mormon where's the state?

Is that?

What's the Mormon state?

Utah?

Yeah?

Oh my god, you got it? Are the hip? My friend, sister, I don't like you got it?

Could you imagine being married to somebody and they're being other people also married to that person? Do you want to get married?

No?

I wouldn't marry you anyway.

I hate the institution of marriage. I think that brides are the most selfish monsters on the planet. Why do they need to make their friends spend so much money because they take so much time?

That's absolutely so. You could always go like Justice of the Peace.

That's like yes, sure. If I were to ever be forced to get married because of whatever legal trouble I'm in, I would go to the justice. I would go to city Hall. I don't even tell anybody.

Would you wear a white suit?

Listen, I'd wear a body suit.

Wed hal A wedding for me is where I cash out on my friends. All the times I held your hair, all the times we stayed up till six six am talking.

You want to get my money, and that's how I got to do.

I can never help my hair, and anytime we've ever been on the phone until six minutes because of the problem that you were agreed so you ain't cash.

I wasn't including you in that. Okay, yeah you're not.

I feel like I feel like she wants me. I want to be the ring bear. I want to be the little a little tuxedo, tiny ass pillow.

You don't even tell you said like a bride emoji. I did it.

That is very very correct, Like.

This is very mean of you, Sidney Elizabeth.

This has been outstanding. We've had so much fun with you, fee Han.

And do you have anything else that you want to say about open relationships before we go?

I like what I like what I said in the beginning.

I think she said enough. I think we're good. I think we want to know about your projects. Where can we catch you? You have a show, right, I have.

A show called Stand Up and Take Your Clothes Off? Of course, it's the all running it's the longest running all female show in New York City. October will be our five year anniversary. It's the first Sunday of every month.

Or we don't know when we're gonna put this out, but.

But that's fine because it's the first Sunday of every month.

Okay, the first Sunday of every month. In it's burlesque as well, right right, Marie and I have definitely done that show, and it's been so much fun.

And I was so upset that nobody wanted me to take.

My clothes off. I did.

I was waiting.

I was like, come on, let me see. And also you're on TV too.

Yeah, my big fat, fabulous life. I am the all Morosa of that show. You are out here.

Has got a promotion she's Donald Trump's Minister of Black People.

That does not seem like that's the title.

She's the gatherer of Negroes. She's the negro whisperer, speaking of negroes. Sidney and I two Negresses on the podcast right now. We have a monthly comedy show also called the warm Up. Warm Up the second Saturday of every month, Karma Lounge, Karma Lounge, every sing.

It literally is the hottest show. It has the hottest people, hottest comedians.

And we're hot in the in the basement. What fuego the Fuego, very very hot, guys. Thank you so much for listening.

It's been so much fun.

Check out feehand. Where can they find you?

Like?

Can you spell your name so people know where to find you? Or do you not want people to find you because they they don't found you?

They can follow me on Twitter at k free Hams. That is a handle I created to trick fat people into following me.

Oh my god, free hamps.

You know what I feel like, We're good.

What about Instagram?

Same handle? But you can just if my name is my name is spelled weird. Okay, my mother did it. She thinks it's cool. Green shout out Maureen Bhan Loreen Tutan pan o g two tan og two tan. But it's k e r r y n. It's like erin with a K. It's a short e. I'm sorry, terrible.

Thank you, Thank you, Queen of all the way Quemen. You have been a gym.

This so much fun. Thank you.

Even in the heat, it was fun.

I love you so much.

Thanks guy, Bye bye for you.

The listeners of the Unofficial Expert podcast. Zip car is offering twenty five dollars of free driving credit at zipcar dot com. So to earn that twenty five dollars of free driving credit, go to join zipcar dot com slash Unofficial Experts again. That's join zipcard dot com slash Unofficial experts to earn free driving credit