"The LESBIAN Expert" with Robin Cloud

Hello, Hi guys, Good morning, afternoon or evening.

This is the Unofficial Expert podcast with Sydney and Marie. You know, so this is a podcast where everybody thinks they're an expert at something ridiculous or informative, and we just pretty much picked their brains and find out if they're really the expert at whatever they're talking about. Marie, were you were an expert in this week?

This week?

I was an expert at looking a mess in public? What I almost fell several times, but you know, my core is I've been working on it, so my core strength is pretty good. And then after I almost bust my ass on the subway platform and almost died, I went home and saved everybody my apartment building's life. What that means is I snow gas and everyone in my apartment would sleep, but I was like, something is happening in here. My roommate went to sleep and let the stove on.

Oh your roommate white, that's crazy.

She's crazy, because you know how gone of lighting a candle, I could have blown the whole building up.

And then it would just be the Unofficial Expert with Sydney Washington, and.

It would just be the unofficial with Sydney Washington.

Isn't that crazy?

That's terrible. You need to get one of those those carbon monoxide alarms or whatever.

I feel like I have one.

I got to get like a canary or a bird or something.

Or maybe you need to put batteries in it. There's not enough batteries there, just only have like one.

The supposed only have one really or two.

I don't even know what the want to have a carbon monoxide detector.

Listen, we don't know you know where my building is. They don't have nothing. Our door barely works.

I don't even know you had a doorbell.

Yeah, it doesn't really work. Yeah, I you know, I have burned my apartment down when I was a kid.

So and they let you stay there?

No, they didn't. They're like, you gotta go back to New York. Oh was that why you got kicked out of Oakland, California?

Yes?

Really, yeah that's what happened.

Wow.

Yeah, I started a fire, burned half my apartment down, and then my cousin right after the fires, he said, you know you.

Didn't fucked up now?

Yeah, And they wouldn't let me buy stoves or matches or I couldn't. I had to be supervised twenty four hours.

Yo.

That is wow.

For a couple of years too. And you know, black people will never let you like as soon as they would let imagine like, oh hope Sydney's not around, Like while I was around, I'm like, okay, I got it.

Yeah, black people don't let you forget stuff.

I was like, eleven, it was an accident.

Why were you playing with fire?

I mean I played a fire too, but I never burned anything down.

Well that's because your mother's not a hoarder like my aunt was order and there was like newspapers and it was an accident, like.

You lit the match and then you were watching it burn, yes, and then it got too close to your fingers and you were like ooh, and you dropped it on a stack of what jet magazines.

I I was playing with like a fake cigarette and the cigarette was plastic, and I lit the plastic cigarette and it melted and it melted into a bag of like newspapers from nineteen eighty seven. Wow that my mom was just having because they had some coupons and whatnot.

Well, you never know, a lot of places still take them expired coupon exactly. Shout out to Bed, Bath and Beyond. I don't care how expire those coupons are. They will take that twenty percent off for you. Sidney, What were you an expert in this week?

I was an expert in saying no. I said no A lot. People asked me to pick up ships. I was like, no, people asked me to do stuff. I was like, no, this.

Is my week.

I do what I want.

Oh.

Yeah, I've been trying to say no more.

I feel like, yes, you have been resisting me a little bit more. Don't think that I like it. I was like, who is this new nigga?

I never say no to you? So you say no to me.

You've been saying no to me about stuff?

I feel like, what did I say no?

I can't think all the top of my head right now exactly.

I've been saying no to not my girlfriend gotta say yes to her.

I feel like you've been hitting her with anot no, but the maybe later.

I still haven't paid December's rent, so I say yes.

It is February, second week of February. You haven't paid yet.

And I'm still doing like installment plans. You know, I'm doing payment plans I'm doing.

Like, do y'all split the rent in half? What you say half? What do you mean? I mean divided by two, like fifty fifty.

See, I work on like a lesbian calculator, so half actually means like a quarter.

So wow, Okay, Well, I'm gonna find out more about this lesbian calculator because I'm curious because I feel like I've been doing lesbian math my whole.

Okay, let's be in math for you? Is zero zero zero zero? You pay nothing?

Absolutely?

You don't believe in half?

Is that?

I'm sorry?

That's Haitian math.

Yes, believe in contributing at all?

Well, what are you talking about? My presence is the contribution?

Yeah, for the kids, but that's not enough for the rent?

Okay, my presence No, I'd be like, well she's here, so I'm like, y'all.

Oh, the landlord comes to physically pick up the rent.

Where do y'all live?

Nineteen sixty two? Is there a milkman that passes by and drops off milk.

To I have no idea how the rent is handled. All I know is that a Venmo will Actually she sends a request for the Venmo payment, and then I pay her well, I decline it, and then I sent the price that I think is okay for me at the moment. And then she texted me and she's like, did.

You get my Venmo? And be like, oh my god, I think I deleted the app. You're so stupid.

Here's a stupid I love you, Adrian. Speaking of loving Adrian. Who is a woman with a man's name. We can have a woman with a woman with a bird's name. Okay, right, it's a bird with a bird's name today as ours as our expert. She's a writer, a director, a comedian. She's done our show before and she killed. Yes she did, and we don't say that about everybody who does the show. Truly killed. Uh and she is our lesbian expert today. Give it up for Robin Rashida Cloud.

Oh my god. Wow, See Marie is disrespectful.

RC.

I'm proud of the RC.

She's so disrespectful, putting out the middle name, the whole government, the whole government name. Now I can like literally take all your information. All I need is your social Rashida.

People don't even think Cloud is my last name, so I don't believe it. I was like, that's a stage last name. It's something that it's really real.

Hey, Robin, it's so early to be and you look stunning.

Thank you.

I can tell you have like I cream in your life. You got a good moisturizer.

Girl. I washed my face and then slathering myself with coconut oil. That's like I smell like a cupcake. Well, let me get my lesbian ass away from you. Why are you here? You don't work? Because we we know what I, me and city are here. We work?

Why Marie, Marie Samuel Foston has no friends?

Well, yes, Robin, what do you do during the day?

A lot of people wonder that. So I right now, I'm running my own production company, and so I'm at home working on two documentaries and uh writing some scripts. Okay, And that sounds like a lot of estate on the side. You slinging real estate on the side.

So what's your tax return looking like?

What the what it looked like? You know, there are a couple there are a couple of ten ninety nine.

Okay, so we get money back. Great, we'll see you're gonna get the money back.

What's the limit, because it's just a quick sidebar, what's the limit?

Like?

How much money do I have to make in order to not have to file taxes? What's the minimum?

I thought it was twelve thousand dollars?

Okay, all right, I feel like I'm the goal for this year. No, no, no, I feel like last year on the books, I didn't make that much money.

Is trying to get out of not doing her taxes this year?

Hashtag was Lee Snipes.

Okay, this is the year. You don't want to go. Do you know what they just passed it? If you owe back taxes fifty thousand dollars or more, that they'll take your passport away.

Okay, well I don't owe that much.

I don't know that much. Also, my passport expired, damn city.

Okay, no, I'm totally just than fifty thousand dollars for sure.

I looked at tax money like that.

Yeah I do. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not afraid or shame fuck this country. They not get my money. Throw me in jail if you have to. Y'all not getting none of my dollars.

Listen, if you're listening to this, uh Orange Trump, we need an Orange expert, so you know, come through.

Yeah, we need somebody like a tax expert.

So he evaded taxes for twenty years.

So he's a white man expert. He's a white man, so he can get away.

I'm trying to need a white man expert because.

We had a white He was from Connecticut.

He was super he went to Salsburg, Salisbury, Salesburg.

Wait, are you from Connecticut?

I'm from Connecticut, Sow State.

Okay, So let's talk about your background. Your parents yea born and raised in Connecticut.

No, my dad was my mom's from Philly and my parents met at Howard when my mom was a freshman and my dad was a junior. And you transferred there from the University of Arizona.

That sounds like a movie or show. Really, didn't Spike Lee do something like that? School days?

He did do school days?

He did.

Yeah, your dad is from Arizona. No, he's from Connecticut. But he originally wanted to be a professional golfer. So your dad is super white? Is your mother's white? My mom is black?

Okay?

So how did you get so light Robin? What happened? What happened? You got Indian family? I don't have Indians. Are genetic testing is not Indian? I think I have some relatives that might have that line, but I don't. I have some white ancestors, like you know, great several of my great grandparents are half black. Okay, to share your white daddies, you know those white daddies. Wow.

But then you ended up in Connecticut.

Parents graduated and then moved from DC to Connecticut, went back to where my dad's hometown and then yeah, we up there. My family still lives there. I'm the only one that left. Actually, I'm glad you made it out. I really am. I'm so glad that you're here in New York City doing wonderful things.

Thank you, doing super gay things. Yeah, you got shoulder pat you had elbow patches on your shirt.

Now, don't let Marie say anything about anything that she because.

Her shoulders are very broad.

So no, no, no, but she has the elbow patches, not the shoulder elbow patch.

What's happening right now?

I don't know.

We're just talking about I tried to be as gay as possible today. I know. I see you had on a ward. You go, yep, they're not marrels. Though they're not marrels at all, not mar You were there for the show the Marrels at home. Yeah, do you have a respect. I do not currently have marrels, but I have had a pair or two.

I'm here for a maryl.

I mean it is a white man Timberlain boot and I feel like, yo, they are so comfortable.

Though there's I heard they're comfortable. They don't look comfortable. They're hideous.

They make me uncomfortable. Yeah. Yeah, there was a time in the early two thousands where I did might have warned them to work.

So, Robin, how long have you been a lesbian? Since I came out of my mother's womb? All your life, all my life, I've been fighting.

Yeah. I think when I was like nine, you know, I would I didn't know what a lesbian was. I didn't know the word, but I definitely was like I don't like boys. H And then around twelve I realized what a lesbian was. And then I was like, oh, that's me twelve, y'all teaching teaching the kids. Early. My mom gave me this book called Girls and Sex and they had a whole chapter, chapter five, okay, called lesbianism. And I read it and I was like, oh, I didn't get that.

See my great aunt raised me, and like there was one kid that had a mom with a really short haircut and my aunt called her a bull dyke and I didn't know what that was. And they had a sleepover and she's like, no, you can't spend the night at the bull dyke.

And I was like, what is a pod tike? I said, that does not say?

Is that a character on?

Like? Actually ask her?

I asked, and she didn't tell me, but she's like, you don't need to know nothing like your business.

You're not You're not.

Never going over there.

Yeah, and if they give you a sandwich, throw it out like damn, no tuna, no, no tuna.

So you were nine and you like what nine year old likes. Boys, I feel like when you're when you're nine, it was.

Just a feeling like I I could see the girls in my class were, you know, operating differently, and I was like, not about that life.

I made it with my my uh next door neighbor who was a girl and she was a little bit older, and I was like.

Oh, Sydney, you're giving alternative facts right now. Sydney was like seven and her neighbor was like fifteen.

Oh, don't listen, it's going to be like the child of.

It was a lord. As the episode.

It was not shut up, Marie, She's consent.

It was Rands. It was okay with it? Ken, Yeah, but Kenna's seven year old.

Give I wasn't seven. I was like eleven, and she was.

She was twenty seventeen.

She was, she was twenty one.

She had a mortgage, she had like her own own house.

She was like, I'm gonna take you for a job.

I said, long as you're not sleeping on your mother's couch, I'm fine with it.

No, it was how old was she? She was like four or five years older than me? She was forty. Made out with her.

I made out with.

Her in a garage behind a car. And what did that entail? Exactly?

Just like a little kiss, will make out like tongue.

No over the no second base, No over the door of the explorer, no Twitter action. No.

I did not touch her you know, private area. I mean I touched her titties.

But you did? Yeah?

Really at eleven?

You so fast, so touched for a long time.

Wait when did you touch titties?

Robin? Oh my god? When was your I like my first kiss, I was sixteen years old, Okay. I dated the captain of the basketball team, and that was the only other lesbian, Yes, the only other lesbian in my high school. And she took me to the Hartford Public Library where we would study. I used to tell my mom I was studying and she would meet me there. And then we were up in the German literature section

That's like like a Lifetime channel like when they have it was amazing list. That is like high school romance right there, Harlequin.

Yeah, it was pretty. Did you lose your virginity in the library. I didn't, But I lost my virginity in my best friend's grandmother's apartment. Okay, that's everybody was visiting. She was away at Puerto Rico. Okay, lost in preaking like on her shag carpet, on the carpet, robit on the floor. You could get no bed on her bedroom. I don't want to have sex in her bed. I would rather well. And then like statues of Jesus everywhere.

And the candles of like virgins and saints and stuff. Man, you're going straight ahead.

Listen. If I'm gonna lose my virginia, I need to have some good support on my back. Yeah, I can't have like the hard ass floor with a terrible.

Ass a really thick shag carpet.

Okay, what does it mean when when a lesbian loses their virginity? What is that what you'll be doing?

Well? Yeah, because people say scissoring, and I'm so it's so like old and dated, like you can't really get off on that. I mean, at least I can't. I don't know. Maybe some people do, but it was scissoring though not me. Both the people on the couch though, scissor shut up sitting on the opposite.

Side of the room.

And I don't want to know.

I don't want any of that gay on me.

I hate your grandma. Yeah, and I have time to do laundry.

I don't want to that gay or anything.

I'm like, so, why are y'all sinners here?

She's like throwing a holy water at us.

I know, I whant to look at you guys. So yeah, so what was that first?

Yeah, I mean it was some finger popping and she went down on me. Wow, at me at sixteen. Yeah.

Well see I hadn't had nobody to go down on me for a minute, Like I had to be kind of grown when it happened.

It was kind of grown Sydney because you know, you lost your kissed somebody for the first time at six so kind of girl for yous.

Thirteen, you know, like eighteen, like I man, you know, black dudes was not trying to go down on women.

No, ma'am, No, it wasn't. Ye, it wasn't hip.

It was not hip. They weren't down with that. So I had to wait until I got a like a secure black man to be like, yes, I go down on the women, It's okay.

I don't. Don't they understand how the clip works?

They don't.

Most men don't though they really don't.

They're missing out. That's what you should do.

A class, Robin, Yes, all about clits.

Click class Click class with Robin versheta cloud. I'll go to that class at the annex. Sorry, at the annex.

I mean, can you guys give us any information about the clip that most people don't know?

Well, I think the clit has more nerves in it than the penis. The entire penis it's like thousands and thousands and thousands of nerves.

I want to derive for lesbians. So I don't know everything. I'm just gonna piggyback off you robins, So whatever you saymble it.

Yes, I've heard that thousands and thousands of nerves, thousands of thousands of nerves, and I think that like most women.

Don't have orgasms without some sort of clitoral stimulation.

Right, that's that's factual, an actual, So, Robin, when you are hooking up with women, do you look them in the eyes?

Like, how is it intense?

What do you mean?

I looked them in the eyes.

Yeah, because when I used to have sex with men, it was very like closing my eyes.

The lights were off, like music was playing. You're like, how dark could it be for this fancy to be real? My mind? Yes, it was like I feel like lesbians are very like open.

Yeah, it's very there's a candle burning, it's lavender oil on the pillow case.

Like, did you mean sometimes yeah, usually in the beginning, that's what it's like. Wait, wait, and after like three years, what happened? It's like, Oh, let's have like a little mutual masturbation session. Okay, So that's what I'm looking forward to, Adrian. You hear that it's just gonna be in the same room of each other.

Yeah, much mass So how do you how did you come out to your do people know, like when you came out where people are like, yeah.

Did you always have a haircut or no?

I had?

Oh my god, in high school I had long, like blowout black Barbie hair. Really yes, so it was and I like a little bit of a fem that, you know. I wore lipstick every day and all the West Indian girls would call me a vamp and they hated me. Really it's like you know, and they oh.

They knew that you were gay, even though they were like.

You know, the irolls were epic, Yes, like that have like ptsc So you so you were out? You always? Yeah? I was out? I mean I told my mom like in around Christmas time, we were in the kitchen.

And word, while she's making gingerbread cookie, yeah, dare.

They were pulling people like who do you want to kiss on the mistletoe? And she was like, who do you want to kiss on the mistletoe? And I was like Jodie Foster And she said Jodie Foster was a woman, Jodi Foster. Yeah, that was your like woman j kind of person that I like, a gay celebrity, that's it. So you were only attracted to people who were daring. Kara too, but she wasn't.

I feel like Grace Jones wasn't gay, but she could be somebody that you can make out with.

That's not your thing.

That's a no from Robin Club like Jones.

I mean, she's beautiful.

Wait, what's the I'm looking up Jodie Foster right now because I'm like, am I thinking of the right person?

Yeah, Jody looks so she's old.

Now because I feel like maybe I'm thinking of Meg Ryan, I think you are.

I could get them confused as well. Jodi Foster is not hot.

She's not.

Jodi Foster's real name is Alicia. Alicia, but you.

Know, my sixteen desperate lesbian self, you know, she was my only, like the only lesbian celebrity that I knew, even though she wasn't out, like we all knew she was gay. So then my mom's like, she's a woman, and I said, yeah, I know, I'm gay. Any Way, how old were you? Sixteen? Sixteen?

So you did all this at sixteen, so you had a.

That was a big dumb like. I don't think I would if I could go back in time, I would not have come out while I was still living at home because my mom flipped out. Of course what happened. She didn't give you no gifts.

You can't be gay under somebody else's roof. It just doesn't work like.

That unless your parents are cool. But she was not what she said. She was like, wait till your father comes home.

You know, at least you had a father like my Like, great, I'll wait till your great uncles come here. You know from my mom was in New York. Oh yeah, I was lived in Oakland, California, until I was thirteen, and then I moved back here and then my mom, I mean I pretty much was doing whatever I wanted, which was nothing. So all right, Yeah, I'm sorry. I brought it down with.

Mine, with your no love, your loveless home.

I had love, how terry during the black Annie listen, I had. I had two pillows on my bed.

It's a hard knock.

Shut up. Your bed was a futon.

It was a pull out. It was definitely a.

Pullout couch with two couch cushions on it. So your dad gets home.

So my dad gets home and he's like, your mother tells me that you know you think you're gay. And he's like, how do you know you're gay if you haven't slept with a man? Wait? So, okay, so you out. I was trying to throw me dig He's like, have you had have you slept with a man?

He said, try it out first and then come back to me.

Yeah, do some research.

Your dad was like, you were like hot Italian sausage.

You're like, nothing tells nothing. I said, how do you know you're straight if you haven't slept with a man? Robin, you had the flip lip hunt. Yeah, you had your own room.

Clearly you wasn't sleeping.

No, I had my own room.

It was all the way down the hall too, like you were in Like were you were in the guest room?

Did he backhand your light skins? Good point? Good point.

Ya was a real comfortable family that like had real discussion and conversation. There was no conversation.

That is very chill, very he's like the humanitarian personality. He loves everybody. Okay, hes a lot of weed, got it? Your family sounds my mom was like not, She's the complete opposite, like super strict, like spank the shit out of me and my brothers. You know, she was the disciplinarian. She was not having it.

Your family sounds like the full house house, Like y'all would have conversations and then the hug after they disciplined you.

No, not really.

No, my family talking at you. I mean we were happy, but there was no talking back. There would be like you gay, and then you know.

My dad like promoted like dialogue and discussion. I wouldn't say that to my mother. Oh okay, you know so you know you would have slapped me, but I knew. Like when you come in to talk to him, it's like he's you know.

Was your dad like a professor or something?

Right? There was a lawyer, you see.

He sounds like doctor Cosby.

Yeah, so like you know, like in elementary school. He'd be like if I got punished, he'd be like, why did you make such a poor choice today? Poor choice? I got distracted by Anthony, you know, and he'd be like, try better next time. Did that work?

Did that make you feel worse?

Yeah? Because it was like the calm disappointment.

Listen, you ever got beat with like a trade table. That's like that was definitely the solution at the Robinson's house.

So they ever break up, don't get it twisted. You should bring my mom on the experts spanking your ass. Well, so you were really comfortable with your dad.

You guys came out and then I mean you came out, and then what happened after that?

Like did you have to move out? No?

I don't have to move out, but.

It was, it was. It was difficult because right after I came out, I had a girlfriend. So then so you didn't give them no time I launched. You're like, I'm a dyke.

And fuck you Robin No chill, Rashida Jones Cloud.

You were hanging out with those white feminists, That's what was going on. No, they were telling you to live your life. Fuck your parents.

They don't know you, they don't know what you want.

You're struggles and buy some marrows. Yeah wait, so I can't. So what happened you bought the girlfriend to the house after that?

Like you're like, god, no, No, we met in secret for our entire dating time. My mom knew I was seeing her and she would try to stop me from seeing her like she would be like, oh, you're going to party? Is Adria going to be there? And Adrian Adria Ari It's basically Adrian okay, right, And so I'd be like yeah. She goes, well you're not going you know, like that kind of stuff. Oh you were too honest, Yeah you were. I was. I was very honest, and then I learned.

To be like a liar.

She was like, oh, Robin, you you got to go to a party.

I need you to wash all these clothes right now, get slads exactly, You're going to be here for the whole I show up at my high school to like pick me up, so I couldn't walk.

Any where, you know, be free and do gay stuff.

I get it. Her people would call, like their friends would call the house and tell like one time I was holding my girlfriend's hand in the park and somebody ratted me out like one of their friends and called the house and said that they say number like that, Yeah man, they were See.

That was the thing that I was always afraid of when I was in high school is when I'd be out, someone would drive by.

They will they will because.

And when Maria is out, she means like outside, not just out walking because a gay language is out.

You grew up in Brooklyn.

I grew I grew up, Damn Robin. I don't know, but everybody on the podcast in my business, I'm from New York and I grew up in the streets here that we're in right now.

She means Long Island, so she had a backyard.

I will backhand you with this microphone.

So you're bougie too, She's very bougie bogie.

I'm just West Indian. And what that means is there's a lot of people driving around. Yes, that means better black than everybody the room. And so yeah, everybody had all my parents friends have cards, so I just I would always assume that someone was gonna drive by and be like, Marine, why are you're not in school? Because I used to have. All of my friends were a year or two older than me, so I would cut when they cut, like when they had their senior cut day.

I was still making making good grades. That's how old.

I was still making good marks. But every time I'd be out.

Right I mean your parents are Haitian.

Yeah, I mean all the only thing that mattered to them was school in church.

So are they upset that you're not like a doctor? Probably?

They're probably mad that I'm not an engineer that also practices medicine.

You know, listen, you're doing Marie MD. They mad.

If you were Marie m D, we wouldn't be friends.

You might play a doctor on TV mmm, I might play like a nurse, like he.

Was a doctor. You'd be like operating.

You were like, well, he's dead, dead, buddy's in the hallway.

S wheel him out, just roll the body out. Yeah, So that's that's what I was afraid of. But people were actually catching you out with your girlfriend and snitching on you.

Yeah, And I was innocently I mean I wasn't even doing anything. I was like literally holding her hand walking through a park.

Meanwhile, when I was your age, I was in the park positively giving blowjobs, hand jobs.

Hand jobs, not blowjob city. Sidney was sitting on it and bouncing up and date.

Well, I was possibly giving really dry hand jobs, no lotion, no carry, no lubraderm.

Just giving Queen Helene.

Just the worst of the worst hand jobs in a park and I was not giving any damns.

I was like, no, way, go see me.

You were doing this in the middle of the day. You were doing this at night.

What do you think, Marie.

I feel like you were doing it in the middle of them. Yeah, cool, three oh six it was.

It was it was like around nine o'clock. There was I think it was really dark at that.

This is in Oakland.

No, this was in New York.

Oh, but everybody was giving a dry ass hand job.

The couple two like two other couples like next to me doing the same things.

Like we past the lotion? Are you dumb? So? Are you done with this lotion? We grab this cocoa butter from you.

So you came out, you said, fuck that.

Do you have a girlfriends? I do have two older brothers. They are twins. Are they No, they're gay? I mean they're straight. I was like, damn those wishful thinking Sorry guys.

Three strikes your parents. No, they're straight. So how did they feel? Did they know that you were gay? Yeah?

By the time I told them, which was like a year. No, I told them in college and they were like, yeah, Mom told them last year. Damn Mom.

She got a big ass mouth.

Black women can't keep secrets exactly.

So your brother were they okay?

We were like smoking a jay and it was like not.

They're also dudes. I feel like dudes are okay with like women.

Yeah, because they then they were like, oh okay, now we're gonna treat you like our little brother and talk about women like.

And then like and then you're gonna bring hoes to the house. So it's great, like and they're gonna try to take your hose away from you because that's guys.

Yeah, Cidy, do you have a coming out story? Did you come out to your family or.

You just listen, this is what happened. So, you know, I had that neighbor that I made out with, and then you know, I got in my twenties and I was like, you know what, I'm just gonna do this and just hook up with girls. And I have my own place. So when you have your own.

Place, you could be as gay as you want. Yeah.

So I have my own apartment. I didn't have a roommate. I was going to really bad gay parties because I was just like starting were you here? Yeah, I was in New York. I went to this place called colors. It was awful, like there was like sumo wrestlers and yellow shots. It was like rough ass, like people who been gay all their lives. Not you, Robin, but just others that weren't as attractive.

Like people with shave ups and like who don't wear bras two wife.

Beaters, Yeah, those types. So I was looking her with them, and then it was a lot of drugs involved, so it was fine.

And then so it's fine.

So nobody knew about this until later on, which is like recent with my girlfriend now Adrian. I was proud to be with her, so I brought her out and I put it on Facebook and I just kept putting like the lesbian emojis on it on pictures of us, and then finally my niece was like asking around, and then she told my mom, and then my mom thought that it was her that I was gay with, but she was like, you and your best friend looked really

Yeah?

I was like, well, you didn't raise me half my life, so if you want to be it's your fault, No.

Robin, whose fault is it that you get that Sydney's logic.

No.

But I just feel like when you hit a certain age, it doesn't matter if you're gay. I feel like it matters when you're young, but like as soon as you hit like I don't know, twenty eight, they don't.

Care twenty eight twenty Sidney Dale. I mean my brother.

Everyone thinks that my brother is gay, and he's like almost fifty and he has never said anything about being gay.

I have one of those at all. Gay.

So I mean, you can do this hiding thing for a long time if you want.

I mean, everybody knows, but.

Yeah, but hiding doesn't You're not happy when you're hiding.

Yeah.

I have an aunt. She's older than fifty. She's my dad. She's the baby on my dad's side, and she's matt Rough and she ain't got no man and has never had a man in the entire twenty five years that I've been alive.

And she is.

Twenty five and she's.

And she.

Was at the house a couple of years ago, and you know, me and my sister were being idiots and we were like, well, TATSI, why aren't you married. Why are you still single? Why do you still live with your sister? Because they look they're like two old maids. And she didn't respond, but her sister and my other aunt was like, she's afraid of men, and I was like, so she gave.

No, but you could be afraid because men are frightening at times.

We're men are frightening for her.

She she mad gay she gave so y'all just gonna hit her with the gay she gave?

She gay in Haitian, She's, yeah, that's what it is. She didn't respond, She just was like, huh, she's old school and she had like the beard hairs sticking out.

And she was like, you're so yo.

I hope your aunt fuck you up after this podcast. She's waiting outside for.

You at the at they doesn't come out, come.

See me outside, then how about that catch me outside? So, Robin, have you ever been you're not afraid of men?

Though? No?

Have you ever seen a dude? And you're like, oh, he's cute.

I wonder well, of course I slept with you guys. Oh, how was that right? How you will bury the lead? Robin?

How you're gonna wait half an hour to say that you slept with two guys. How did that happen?

Well, it was like post lessons. It was a post like lesbian breakup. Oh, you're like, I seen the palette. It was. It's so bad. I just gotta go get some dick, you know the break up. So body, you're like, you know what, let me just be straight for a little bit. You know the logic behind why I did those things that I would never made twenty seven and I was like, let me just sleep with a dude.

Do you think you knew you were what you were doing? Or like did he know what he was doing?

Or no? I mean they're still my friends, so I don't want to put them on.

You got to keep it in the family.

I get it. I get it. Wait, I will say it wasn't it wasn't my jam.

See, I wouldn't want to hook up with a friend because then I would have to see them, and every time I would seeing them, I was like, I'm.

I can just think of your terrible dick. And we got to talk. Was the dick terrible or was it just not what you wanted?

Because I wasn't what you want it because you're you're not straight.

The dick wasn't terrible. He actually had a very big dick.

But that doesn't matter.

Maybe there's maybe there's horrible. And I was like, if you you got to lead with that because that's my jam as a lesbian. And it just was like I was like, oh my god, are you going to take it off? Like what the fuck is happening down there? Was his sheets clean? At least he had a nice apartment at least right, because I didn't want you to do no straight ship and no like hood rat, no, no, no dusty as they were super sweet and.

Then the other where the curtains were like falling off and stuff.

I'm sorry, you gotta be really confident in your oral game, in your mouth game to go down on a lesbian as the first dude that she's sleeping with.

Maybe he was really stressed out. I know it sounds like he was confident because he was like, I'm just he was like, everybody needs to see that moment, that the faith that Robin just made of him, like going down on her, and it looked it felt like a weed whacker spinning. Not comfortable.

I'm uncomfortable.

Did he at least brush his tongue because that is really important?

You know, I don't know.

Yeah, but how do you bring that up? You just were like, hey, so with me.

It was hilarious. Actually, were you drunk? No, No, you were sober. I was sober.

Wow, Robin, you really are doing things the opposite me.

Because you're so upfront and honest.

Yeah, we're like parallel lives. Definitely version Now I had to be real drunk. Jellow shots were definitely involved in every occasion where you possibly dude, possibly a perk. No, I had a percocet when I hooked at with like the third girl.

Yeah, we have percocets and she was so sweepy and like nah and he likes that drowsy setting. No, it was definitely not. I was up and I was like whoa And I was in a cab. It was crazy.

You were you hooked up with her in a cab.

I couldn't. Well, that's why it was discussed on drugs.

Yeah, so that's why. And she was white, so she know, you know, she don't care.

Then we have horses and whatnot? Did we have it barn barnyards and whatnot? Oh god, I did have sex and hay barn with somebody named Sally.

No, she was black.

The Rashida party you not down with the barn. But the Robin, I guess was. The Robin part was, so what is your type? What kind of women are you trying to? Hmmm, Robin, I've seen photos, so I'm gonna say.

White, white back.

You were back to back, white, back to back. Robin, you hit me with the like you don't know what it is, but just say, nobody in this room.

Not true. That is not you guys are Shap's too dark for me?

Shut up.

I've dated a black girl. I've dated you said like her brother her brother was like two girl.

Korean to Korea, but you only made it to Africa one together. From how long were you with the black girl?

Yeah, three and.

A half years, lived together. What does she do together? We moved here to What did she do like for work? Like, yeah, she sucked it up.

We don't care abo a whole Wikipedia page just give us.

I will say that we just did not get along.

But you were there for three and a half years.

Yeah, or you know about that, you know about that life three years that. Yeah, we're different spaces. So wait, you only had one.

Black girl, you see that? That?

Yes, one black girl, Robin, you wouldn't even try. You tried dig twice, but you wouldn't have.

You tried dig twice. But you.

Rob, you got a lad of nerve the Robin. We're gonna rename you. You're gonna rename you something else.

Rashida get out. Had I met you, like you know, a couple of years ago, you would have like you would have Sydney because you'd be like, she.

On, yeah, you would have been like, she's a mess and you know she don't wash her sheets enough.

Would have came to my apartment and you're like, she said, that's true.

You would have came to my apartment like anybody wish that's right. Robin was the first one to be like, yes, please get rid of that, get rid of that heathen hair, get rid of that.

That fake stuff.

And I was like, I also have fake kitties.

Like you like natural hair, but not really you know you have.

So what's your like, what's your what is your type? Like, what's your ideal? Who's your celebrity crush now? Because it's not Jodie Foster Rihanna. Oh that's with Rihanna.

Yeah, she seemed fluid. She's so fine, She's so very suid, fluid.

She set up with her best friend, Melissa.

I'm sure.

I mean, you know, Melissa's got trying to get these bills paid, okay, because Melissa does not work, so she.

Probably worked work on Rihanna.

Melissa is her photographer? Oh really quote unquote.

No, Melissa is just her best friend.

That she is her best friend, but she'd be taking pictures of her like on the road, you know.

What I mean?

Like, yeah, well that's what Let's give your friends fake jobs when.

You have an entourage that you give them fake ass jobs.

So let's be holding all the drugs and rolling all the weed.

So your type? Do they have to have money? Do they be tall?

Do they need to have like all their limbs? Like, have you ever had have you ever had a wheelchair ass lesbian?

No? I have, damn Robin.

Do lesbians come in wheelchairs?

Yes?

Yes, I didn't.

I've never seen that addish Yeah, no, I like women that are shorter than me.

And how tall are you? Okay, so you know, but you dated the casts and of the basketball team.

That's true. But I was young then, I was a so it was fine. Okay, so you're not anymore?

Do you look?

I mean pads in the boots, But like, how do you switch from fem to whatever the oppotunitey?

Do you do that asking for friends? For a friend? Well, I think like in the early nineties two thousands, I was sort of just like, uh, somewhere.

In between like foot so you like, were you Khodijia in living single where she would have like the blazers and the hair, like titties out.

Yeah, I had the titties out because I had huge boobs. I got a breast reduction.

You did huge boob like ge get out. Yeah, Robin, I can't picture you with some bigas.

You know what size are your boobs? Now? You I don't know, I can't.

I mean she got the button up buttoned all the way to the neck.

You don't want to like let anybody know what's going on.

That's the best, and I have sex with somebody.

I take my Oh my god, let's talk about this breast reduction. When did that happen?

How old were you? That was like, uh five years ago? Old Robin. You got money because I'm sure I had a job that they covered it. What the job is that? Well, you go and it was like you go to this chiropractor and then he says your back and then they file it. Okay, So it was for vac pain.

Shout out to all the people listening to who got insurance or a flex spending account shout out so.

They didn't have to pay anything. But it was expensive. It's like thirty thousand dollars surgery. Oh yeah, no, I know.

Well not like I know because I have heavy sts, but I know, are you I'm a thirty two double D. Damn.

Look at Robin's face.

You don't believe you. She was like, you're a D. It's a surprise. I'm the same you like when I take my shirt off, it's like, oh my god.

They're like all hi and ship they going down the road. They spent like a couple of years. Now, listen, I have payment plan titties, So when you don't pay them in full, they don't put them in That's a nice thing, hanging off like there's a couple of band aids underneath it.

That is your stupid Adrian loves him. Thank you, boo, thank you, Like she paid for him.

I had to steal a lot of money from work to get them paid.

For Wait, what were we talking about?

I feel like we were on something good and then we went off on a tangent.

Sydney's nipples, lesbians and wheelchairs we talked about that.

Attracted to short, artistic, smart, funny, got to have a good sense of humor.

All those things coming black, Robin.

They sure do.

They come in black. They come in the dark brown.

And I just never met anybody who.

Was black and shorter than you as where artistic and had a sense of humors from.

You and it.

Down but you don't rob. I am nobody's playing my child. You're gonna be your child.

Listen, nobody's flamby. Okay, where were you ten years ago?

I was in high school.

She was when I was out on the hunt.

She wasn't well, didn't didn't you have a joke about dating younger younger women?

Yeah? My girlfriend right now is younger? How much is twenty seven?

That's like Marie's age, right.

Yeah, she was twenty six when we met. Wow, Robin, you really you just scooted? What did you guys meet at Starbucks?

Ow?

You guys are gonna love that she was working at Starbucks and we've met an ivy league lesbian mixer.

Oh, Sydney, why don't you you don't be getting invited to those things?

No, you know where I met my girl? Central Park? Boo boo.

That's right, that's super yes, super gay.

So I think mine was a great story. Mine's is a step above yours.

You're the gayer, but hers is nicer. Yet, No, it's it's good. Some mistage is great. It is. It was.

It was a lesbian mixer.

How many eight lesbians will be at one of these parties?

There were like thirty forty people there, and you guys, you had all your lesbian best, you had all my lesbian best, you know, button down bow tie. How did you uh did you go up to her? I was like recently, because you know, I was married and got divorced, so I was thank you. Freedom papers came through. After a year. I was like Okay, I'm gonna go back out in the mark and see what's happening. I wasn't really anxious, and I'd been single very long. I was

Robert Game like, though, I want to know if how youre approaching these lesbians.

I didn't approach her. She said, I don't have to approached me. She was a ga at me from across the room, like real like m and I was like, oh shit, I was like scared. Actually, I was like, damn girls looking at me real hard.

Robi, you have like a gap in between your teeth.

Sexy.

I think that was really meant for Marie Foston.

Thank you hit it to me? To hit it to her? How how? And so then she like, after a little while, she came up started talking to my friends. She did ignore her, but talked to her, and then I tried to hook her up with my best friend who's been single for a while, and then she got her number, and then my friend walked away and she's like, I came over to talk to you, and I was right there, oh shit, And then and then start, I said, you you asked her how old you? Yeah, because she looks

Yeah, but you know what that makes somebody wants you even more because did you just shut me down a bitch?

Yeah? She did.

She was like, you were so rude, and she probably was singing agent.

That was so rude. I'm staying in room tween twelve one twelve, Yeah, what is this number? My bucket?

Robin? So how did you do the follow up? Because you shut her down to night like, she kept coming back. I would like, walk away, and then she would come back. And she did that a couple of times. And then finally my friend was like, oh, we're all going out to dinner, and she invited her to come with us to sound like some L words.

I feel like it was an episode of the L Word age.

Right from the L Word season three to her and after dinner, I was like, oh, she's cool ship And so I slipped her my phone with the open contact.

But with your hand out, with your good hand.

You showed her your good hand, your your your moisturized hand, the real manicured hand that you were like, I'm ready finger hand and she was like, And then we went on a date like that Saturday.

Where did you go?

What is a typical lesbian date? This was not typical lesbian date. But I had gone. Okay, So I'd been talking to this girl in Philly, a black woman and okay, and you were asking her for directions. Yeah, You're like.

We're the good where's the good food here in Philly?

Where can I take my white counterpart out?

Where can I bring my white princess out? That has live music in Philly? Is j Scott performing anywhere this weekend?

It's a balal? There? Can I get a balau? Or music? Soul child is even to.

Raban, You're not pulling us?

Oh my god? Okay continue. So I had gone down to Philly because I've been talking to her, and so we had our first date and we were all day together and it was cool and I was like, oh, she's cool. And then like I went to her her room and to her her apartment. She lived in this weird like half the size of this room, like spartan spartan y'all, like ikea, like the basic pine beand she's twenty six, No, she was thirty something. Oh oh the

Why are you putting this queen's business out on.

The radio to the hotel hour y'allah? So theF and she told me she went to Bible study. And I was like, yeah, but listen, bonter fell.

Listen, Bible studies may be the biggest freaks by freaking out all types of toys.

I don't know. I bailed, okay, left, I bailed on the Bible study. Okay. So then all all that to say, So then I drove back to Brooklyn and I went to First Saturdays and then we texted and I was like, oh, come to the park, slow whatever. So we grabbed. I don't drink, but you try to gentrify parks low that there's slowly taking parks a little back.

I see what you're doing, Robin. So y'all just grabbed a drink.

Yeah, and we chatted for like two hours. Okay, but what about the date after that? You taken to a play and we went out to dinner. Play is very gay, Okay, she's a theater director. So was it Diggs there at the play?

Was Ky Boots?

Did he have a terrible hat on k dicks? Terrible hand? Yeah? He does.

You a white woman on his arm. My son is not black dates he singed down and he will always be.

And he out on the prow He probably asking that black lady.

He has Rebecca out on the town.

Are you saying you wouldn't You don't date, You've never.

Dated a non black person.

Okay, let's let me absolutely not what we're saying.

Well, let me tell you the truth. The white woman is what broke me open to to lesbian. Oh. I actually Adrian is the first black woman.

I dated a white man for three years.

You so wrong, Well, the error goes after this. We've seen the errors of we just like to get people a hard time, you know, even though we live in lives.

Listen, I dated this white man, and I honestly truly think that white men are the scariest people in the world.

I could not date a white man. I would be thinking about like his white dick raping me.

I don't know, No, I wasn't thinking about his white raping me. I was thinking about his white hands killing me, and I was like, sending, we got into a fight, just a couple. I'm going to sleep.

I said, you need me to come through. I got the uber X out here waiting for you, Like if.

I wake up dead tomorrow, he did it. Yeah, I mean white man was scared.

Okay, wait, you know why because Marie be testing people. She's a test.

She steps alive, she'll talk into somebody else's house because she's not even paying any type of not buying any type of groceries, not even cooking for the man, and not even giving.

Head on time of that bitch. I'll kill you, Mike.

I wanted to kill her for him, but I was like the I need her, you know, for the s and m Okay, So Robin, we're gonna do a little quick quiz because obviously we were having way too much fun and we gotta get in and out. So we're gonna do three questions to prove if you are unofficial lesbian experts. Okay, Murrie Boom.

First one, can you name three celebrities who you think are lesbians and everybody is pretty sure it's gay, but they're not out.

Yes, you better you have to name one of them. Like one of them. We're very particular about this one.

Yes, go ahead and give us three names with people.

Boom, Penelope Cruise, Oh Intel, I got Intel on that, and.

She's legendary, like you should know. She just came out with a new song. She always got like a haircut covering her eyes.

See you, oh Missy Elliott.

We also would have accepted Hillary Clinton. Some suits be mad gay Jada Pinkett, But I think.

She's open, she's open about she's bye. Probably she's definitely bye Sydney. Uh, strap on or vibrator both? Would I feel like straps are like weird for me.

Maybe I'm not gay.

And my dick, yeah, I love it right now?

Hey do you carry it with you?

Like just put it in a backpack like just and I have traveled all over the world with my dick. I went to Miami me with a double sided dildo and TSA was giving me a lot of problems.

Oh yeah, definitely, there's always that moment after the stream machine look at you.

They were very like you really.

Enjoyed that though, because I would use that once and I.

Did it on a shower and I slipped it was message. I did it with a Brazilian chick out there having too much fun. I was coming down from a lot of molly.

It was just Sidney, like, you've never been sober, and that's what I'm sober now, bitch. Yes, So you give another.

Question, how many years does it take to officially become a lesbian?

Mm? And then how many girls do you need to be with?

I would say a good two years of pussy eating, just only pussy no, no, but like pussy eating, like being in a relationship. Okay, so being at somebody else's house paying rent on.

A regular You don't have to live with them, dating some at least two years like for real, for real? And then how many women? Minimum five?

Minimum five?

So you can't just be with one woman and live with her for five years?

Find one some minimum five women in order to be a lesbian. But how many black women do you need to be with in order to like black women?

Yeah?

Here's my last question for you is can you name a two w NBA players because I can't name none that are playing with.

Jamiica holes Claw. Oh they're playing right now. I'm Britney Griner. Okay. And then we just don't take Shamika because I don't know.

I would also have taken a Leslie Leslie Cheryl swoops she's gay. I mean, I feel like they're all how many people in the w NBA do you think are gay?

Probably all of them, eighty five the players. Okay, that's lower than I would have guessed. But okay, I know.

I'll give you that. Robin, you've been fantastic. We've had so much fun with you. Where can we catch you? What are you doing?

So? My film Out Again is coming out in the spring of twenty seventeen. And yeah, you can catch me Robin Cloud Comedy dot com.

And catch how about that?

What's your Instagram Robin Cloud Comedy and Twitter? Robin R. Cloud.

Okay for the Rush Sheet.

Shout out to all the she is listening to this right now you can catch You can catch me at rez r E E e z y.

At just sid BW.

So that's j U S T S Y D b W and please subscribe. Also, get on our Instagram at the Unofficial Expert.

Absolutely and come see us if you're in New York. The second Saturday of every month at Carmel Lounge, a p M show is bum It's free. We light skinned lesbians who don't like black women who perform prety regular.

I love black women, don't listen to these tools.

I feel like we're gonna leave it right there.

We yell, we love you, thinking bye