"The Hoteling Expert" with Rachel Feinstein

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Hello, Hello, Hello, Hi guys, Hey Sydney.

Hey Marie, Marie, Marie, soy, let's talk about why you're so excited.

I'm not.

Actually, I'm actually having a rough ass morning. But it's like, you gotta fake the funk. You gotta do that. I'm an expert in faking it. I'm being fake as my titties right now. Oh wow, that's when I'm the.

Top six of twenty three seconds in that break it in, you'll throw the word titties out.

Wait six seconds in? Do you fake the funk? Always?

Not all the time, but like half and half. You know, we'd be running into people that you're like, I really fuck with you, but hey, how you doing?

You know? Oh my god.

We were on the train sitting in our particular being our loud black cell yes, yes, yes, and this woman got on and she had like an interesting offit on.

That's what you understand.

She looked like a cat lady met a homeless lady and like she just wore their clothes.

Yes.

And I leaned over to be like you look at this crazy and she was like hey, Marie. And I was like this woman that I was get ready to make fun of him, Mary, And I was like hi, and she was like he sid did she say guy to you?

Yes?

She said, And then I had the devil whear's proud of you. I had to whisper, that's so insud and we were like.

Oh, Sydney, devil wears proud as me all the time.

You said you have to be that friend that whispers in the other friend's ear just to let them up.

They don't talk shit. We know who that person is. Yeah, I had no idea who the person. I mean, I know who she is now and the outfit makes sense now. But she was trying to talk to us on the train, and I was like, you're not going to have these white people thinking that we know what we do, but we mean we too, but we don't.

But we did, we do, but we don't.

It's fine, But yeah, I'm glad that I do that for you. You I feel like you've never done that for me. I can't remember anybody's name. Yeah, I'll see her face, like we had a show the other day together.

And that guy that was online with the with his friend behind us, he looked familiar, but I couldn't place his How do we know him?

That guy? I know.

I'm trying to place him too. I'm going through my rolodex. It mean, so many people, that's what it is.

Sidney will hug somebody and they'll be like hey, and she's like hey, and then I'll walk away and be like who was that and She'll be like I don't know.

So just honestly, just reintroduce yourself every time you see us, because literally, I have no brain cells and I can't remember.

Well, I'm not even trying to remember. I don't have the capacity to care.

Uh, Sidney, what were you an expert in this week? Ooh? You know how?

We had somebody on the We had the cool mom expert, and you know how she was like, oh, you want to get your teeth done?

Da da da da.

I took her up on her offer. I'm the expert in No, don't be da da da da. Don't be rushing through. We need those details. What's the da da da da dada?

The cool expert? Remember cool the cool mom expert. She said, my husband is a dentist. He can fix your teeth. And at first I was.

Like, no, no, no, no, remind the kids what why your teeth needed to be fixed? One of Sydney's teeth.

Fellow, Wow, Marie, isn't that what we talked about on the EPID? I think I talked about it, well, you could cut that out, but a whole piece of a tooth filler, a chunk of dom't film, No, the.

Whole fucking tooth.

What happened was I was flossing, and uh, I was flossing in front of my cat, and the tooth got got stuck on the floss and I just yanked it a little bit and then the tooth came out, and then the cat was like.

Mar I was like, god damn, and the cat packed his bag.

It's like, you're losing your teeth. I gotta guns. I'm getting Yeah.

So I went and I got half of my mouth done, and I had to go back on Monday, and it was yeah, because you Sidney kept sending me pictures of her gross teeth. It was pretty nasty. But people take care of your teeth, like, don't drink red Bull floss. You got floss flows. We're not Sydney, because the flosses was your tooth's downfall. So I mean, that's what literally broke the camel's tooth. I guess back back your ba

But watch when I have my TV teeth.

Oh, I'll be blocking all of y'all. I'm gonna be unfollowing people. I'm gonna be brand new.

When you get your TV teeth, can you make sure you get them in like a size medium. I feel like everybody in Hollywood when they get their new teeth, they're an extra large.

They don't come in a smaller size. Ah, you know, and it's crazy because the camera adds ten pounds. So if you got these big ass chick lits, they look even bigger.

They look like they look like, uh uh, what are those things called?

They look like iPads.

Yeah, the teeth are too big and too white, like Cardi B got her teeth fixed, and it's like they're all the same length, you know what I'm talking about, Like it looks like she's wearing like a mouthguard.

Yeah, you gotta stain them a little bit, you got to.

No, that's not what I'm saying if you get in new teeth, they need to be white. They need you don't want to get an extra fresh out the box. You don't have the new teeth smell. You don't want to alabaster tooth sis.

Listen.

I just it's too much.

It's all too much, Okay, Marie, what were your expert in?

So my roommate moved out this past weekend, and so you.

Went butt naked in her overall and talked all night. I have I have a room now with which to shoot self tapes.

I'm opening a studio online because I need somebody to pay that n So this week I was an expert in living like a person who can afford to live by myself.

Just for a week, just for like a cool week, you know. So what do you do? So what would you do if you lived alone?

If I lived alone, I would come in at whatever time at night and not gently close the door, but like let us slam even slam a door, and then be like, so you slam it. Make kick my shoes off, literally, like not bend down and take them off, but like kick them across the room and then start stripping immediately, like jacket pants, shirt, bra, panties on the couch, the

Listening to a Whole New World again?

Last night I got high and listened to One Sweet Day like Legit nineteen times.

Wow, it's a really good song.

I love the score on Up Up the movie. Yeah, the pixel score like like when I don't know, showing you the compilation of like him meeting his wife and then she dying.

You know about that sad scene, sad song. That's my shit, y'o.

I will just turn it on in ball just think about how does the song go? Like I don't know the song I remember, but I'm because I'm I'm happy right now, but when I'm depressed, I know it from like top to bottom.

Yeah, did y'all see Up? It's a sadass movie?

It is anyway? Uh once we day on a loop all night last night.

Did you play Patty Cake with your mouse?

No, Sydney, the mouse is dead. I haven't seen that mouse in like two months. I'm sure he died.

Maybe he went off of AK maybe he went to Hawaii.

Good, he can stay there.

And then I've had people coming in to see the apartment.

So you know, I've been playing the uh.

Yeah you know, I don't let dishes sit in the sink, and yeah, you know I'll.

Work too, but I have a job.

But do you know, Okay, my job is comedy and that's at nighttime.

But I need somebody who's gonna move in, who's not gonna be there during the day.

Yeah, what's here? Can you list like the things you want.

My apartments in a roommate. I need you to have a full time job. I need you to work like a nine to seven yay, Like you got a job that you're supposed to be out at six, but you stay till seven.

Okay. I need you to have a man that you go visit on the weekends. I don't want you.

I don't want to see you Friday through Sunday. Okay, okay. I need you to have some type of cooking skill. I need you to I need you to milk pep and share right, meal prep and share. I need you to know how to clean a bathroom because for some reason, that's something that people don't know how to do.

No, No, what's your favorite product to clean the tubin?

Oh?

I put a little bit of ajax and then I hit the sponge with so good, with some fabulosa. When I used to clean, when I used to and I used to clean, and I used to clean anyway, Yeah, do.

White people use fabuloso? Is that a thing that y'all use? Do y'all know what that is?

Well, y'all go to the bodegas, so y'all might know what fabuloso.

I feel like white people will use a light salt wipe for anything, for the bathtub, for anything, toilet like.

I feel like.

They'll just pull out a wipe and then like hit and hate it real quick. I missed the clean magic eraser. And then you're like, you didn't scrub anything.

No, okay, we have we have the gas is shaking here today.

We won't ask her these questions. But anyway, that's what I was an expert in.

This week. I feel like I'm killing it. Did you find did you find the roommate?

Sure didn't. We got to get your roommate because you can't pay that run by yourself.

I don't want to. And if, say, for instan you.

Don't find a roommate, we're starting to go fund me. Oh absolutely, I've seen people start these go fund means where I'm like, you should be fucking embarrassed.

You should be ashamed, Like, just get another job.

Somebody posted something online the other day and she was like she posted screenshots of hers checking and savings balance and it was like sixty nine cents and fifty three cents.

I know, but that's where we are. That's where we are in social media. It's like be honest, be brave, be bold, like tell your story now, I'm all for it.

I'm for it.

But then there's like, we gotta draw a line.

Your story should be a lie, like I should not know that you ain't. I shouldn't know that you have a dollar and twenty six cents to your name.

Listen, City Bank closed my account so honestly closed.

It was like we're done, We're done with you. They broke up with me.

City Banks said we're no longer interested in being your bank. They consciously uncoupled. So now I'll just be hanging out the check cashing places they know me by first name.

Is Yeah, they're like, shouldn't he should the check catching blaze the check that's crazy speaking of somebody who doesn't use kept check cashing places.

Our guest is quite phenomenal. She has a half hour on Netflix. Yes, she's all over town. She's in Comedy Central, she's in movies. She just got married, let's talk about that. Yes, she is the expert in hotelling because she is a traveler.

Give it up for Rachel Finestein. Thank you guys. I love it here. I love this realm.

Yeah.

I like all the books. I want to just deposit them into my dumb head. I don't want to take the time to but I want all the information.

We do have a library. Actually, both these books from my house.

Yeah, I'm very impressed with It is true about wipes. I use wipe for everything. You clean your bathte I'll wipe it that I'm worthless.

Let me begin there.

No, I'm just saying like in terms of I'm slovenly girl, you know. And that's what it said next to my Bubble profile when I was just I'm a slovenly girl.

I'm like your hands that you're not doing no manual labor you have some really nice hands and manicure as fresh as fuck.

Did you just get it?

No, that manicure is a month old.

No that.

She does her nailsteak.

Oh my god, you have really nice hands. Let me, oh my god. Things I always feel like they they're kind of wrinkling.

These are definitely like I'm married and I'm not doing anything today.

So we just had a wedding expert on the show You Got Married when.

A month ago?

Yeah?

How's it good?

It was pretty fun. I mean I know nothing about weddings. I wait, can I curse? Yes, I'm not. I've never been like one of those wedding twats that like imagined her day, Like I have no idea, but I could. I could give a shit about a flower or anything. So we would go to the meetings, like these pre wedding meetings, and they would ask me these questions and I never even heard of the question like this whole tel is like she was like, what do you want to do for your first look picture?

And I'm like, what is that? And she explained that.

Before you they all had that voice too, just that voice of that girl, like beep beep, she knew everything. She ever and how it was supposed to be done, and I'm not a woman in that way, Like I don't know any of that.

Like she saw you immediately and turn into a BFF. She likes she knew you for Oh my god, So what do you want your first look?

What does that mean?

She said that before the ceremony, they do this thing where they take pictures of the bride and groom and they slowly turn the bride around for the groom to like behold her for the first time, and then they take pictures of that moment of him looking at her for the first time. I was, I was, I was crying laughing. I told him, I was like, when they turned me around, you should just like look at me like I'm a bad omen.

Just be like nothing.

I didn't know that the bride and the groom saw each other before the ceremony.

Now that like some photographers, I guess do this. I mean I didn't do it. It was too dumb for words, but they do it. They try to like turn you around and then they like are supposed to capture the man's I guess. I told him, I was like, you should just like spit in a napkin or something Oh god, just do you have any different options or something?

That is so rude because it's just like, well, what do you do? You know if I have money for his first look, I got money for just the first and last together. Can we This is ruining weddings for me.

I thought the first look was when the door's open and see it, and that's how.

We did it. I was like, I can't do that nonsense, that's fool.

Just zoom into his face at the altar, get him there.

Yeah, I'm like I want to not act in a fool like that.

And then they asked me, they said, or she was like, so, what's your color story for the wedding?

And I was like, what's a color story? I'm like, I don't know if they have yeager like, I don't have any questions. I'm black.

Other She's like, she's like, what colors make you happy? And I'm like, I've never seen a color and it's turned my day around. How dumb do you have to be that you're having like a ship day and then you just see periwinkle blue and start skipping like my problems need I need like a cocktail of alcohol and compliments? You know what I mean like it's it's not like I'm going to see a flash of yellow and just start skipping.

They all right, they need to have your story, Rachel. Like we always see these wedding movies and it just is like dramatic. It's a Lifetime channel. It's like we need the real deal, like people who just don't give a fuck.

It's like, that's how we did it.

We had comics, Maria, so it was like Colin Quinn in this comic Tom Pop. But he's my husband is a fireman. So it's a bunch of comedy. Okay, go ahead. It was a real it was a real ship show. Yeah, Like it was just a bunch of firemen in comics. And we had a pinata I wanted.

To it was the color story for the pinata.

It was just a big fire hat and a microphone and I just filled it with like.

Airport sized liquors and like Lucky Seven's and stuff like that.

Oh nice. It was pretty satisfying.

So wait, this was at the wedding. This was not at the bacherette.

No, we had a bachelor bachelrett party that Hotel tonight through for us. That's this app that I that I am doing a campaign for where you can buy the hotel that night you can, which is how I plan things in my life. Is that evening something occurs to me and I'm on the road so much so I just sort of hurled my body and then I wake up and I'm in Nashville, and I'm like, yes.

That's why you're a hotelling expert.

You keep saying it like you're like, it's a hotelling the hotel a hotelling experts put tell us how the speak youre truth though, I.

Just hurl my body to different places and different people pick me up. And you know, I love being in hotels because I'm not clean, and I like it that I just get to lay there and be an animal.

And when you go to hotels, like for me, I don't want anybody to come into the room if I'm in the room, so I leave the do not disturb thing on the door.

You do from when I get there till the time.

You know, I don't want them coming in to steal my my Marshal's where.

My consignment clothes.

I don't know.

I just I leave that up there because I don't want them to come in and like move my stuff.

I don't mind them taking because they always do it better than I do, you know, Like they always make my shirt look better. I don't mind them takering with my filing's basement pile.

If you're there for a couple of days though, like that ship piles up, and like if you wait to the end and they come in, it's like you're on animal, like you're really.

Yes, but I'm not there.

They won't see me, right, they can think that I'm an animal, but I've already checked out.

I'm laying there like eating macaroni and cheese in the room, and I won't find a fork, so I'll use a coffee filter instead.

That's because I'm listen ladies.

Man, Okay, so you over here using your tensils and ship, you could use you a coffee filter.

And get you tensils and you and got no man coffee filter.

Man.

Yeah.

Husband.

The first time I spent the night at his house, I was like our first date we went on. I was like I went over there and I was like, uh, we can just cuddle and make out. I gave him my like rules for my Mormon sleepover or whatever, and he was very nice about it. And then in the morning I was about to leave, and uh, but you know when you're like, I'm looking around his apartment.

Like, am I ever going to see this? Motherfucker? I'm looking at this pictures just expecting as you go through the cabinets in the bathroom or I did I opened that for like that? Yeah you gotta do that. Yeah, it was pretty standard man stuff. Where does he live?

He was a great Now I live there, and okay, so he's got a nice part of Brooklyn.

Yeah. Yeah.

He was like I'm looking through those things just look, I mean looking at his pictures and I'm just like, where do I fit into this life?

And then he walks out and he's like, oh, did you forget this? And I was trying to be.

All, you know, cute and whatever, and uh, what he brought me was the longest goodwill receipt like you've ever seen, Like it was like a.

Novella by Goodwill Way.

And then stuck to the receipt was like a lollipop stick, like I'd eat a lot of stuck on a receipt such a princess, and then some nylon like pantyhose.

I don't even usually wear pantyhose. I think I wore n for an.

Audition or something like that, and it took the most disgusting cocktail of items.

You know.

I'm just sitting there like babe, like trying to pretend like I'm the cleanest, loveliest girl, and it just brings me this sloven pile.

How did that fall out?

I guess it just fell out of my dumb sack. I always have a two big bag. Like if you look at you to the bottom of my bag, it's it's dis great. Yeah, my keys are usually in some peanut butter or something.

You know. I guess I'm a wife now, but nobody respects so a mother. That's a thing, you know.

I remember watching this, like this documentary about Princess Diana, and like the paparazzi was like hounding her, and she was like, as a mother, I just like a.

Bit of privacy.

I'm sure you can understand, Like I love the please just a bit of privacy with my children. And I'm like, I just want to start a sentence like that. But nobody cares about as a wife. You can't be as a wife.

Like do you have kids? Yeah, And but the thing about your bag, it's it's that's what we do. We have overnight back, so you never know. You could be going to one gig to another gig and then all of a sudden her friend is like, girl, there's an after party and like at will Smith's house. Are you ready? Yeah, girl, I got an evening gown in my Duffel bag.

Like you have a change of class. I have a change.

Sidney texts me last night, like the after party for such and such is tonight. I'm going to try to get us in and I was like, I'm not dressed, makeup on, my hair was to the side.

I was like, you know, what did you go?

No?

I couldn't get in. I can't get in. I was like, damn. I was thirsty too. I was like, hey, where are you at?

You know when somebody text you like last minute, like where are you it's like, oh, you want something right or you're already outside.

It's always a tricky text yeah, because you was like, I do I want to be where you want me to be?

Here? Yeah? I was at home? All cool, I'm outside like I'm at my dad's house. Oh home. Oh, I'm at the precinct right now.

I know I'm at the club home, club home. Okay, so how long did you and this guy date for before you got real comfortable?

We dated by a year, and I remember when I was about to leave the place, when his apartment, that first night of our cuddling sleepover, I.

Said the dumbest thing, like I turn around, I go, next time, I'll wear better panties. And I'm like, why did I just say that?

It's not a sexy They weren't that bad. They weren't like some grandma shit. I shouldn't even called attention.

They weren't like the planned panties like when you're gonna go to nd CD. Yeah, they weren't.

But I'm like, why did I even say that. It doesn't sound like a sexy sentence.

It was just came out all awkward, and I'm holding my good will receipts and I'm.

Like, next time, all wear better panties, and he goes.

I remember, he's like the thickest New York accent. His mom's Columbian, but he grew and he grew up like deep Brooklyn. You know, nobody's got this thick New York accent.

So he's like something to look forward.

So that's hot now that's sexy something to look forward that.

It was pretty cute.

I'm so I now like half my life is spent in firehouses. I'm so attracted to all of them. They're all like there's a there. A lot of them are like aggressively hot.

It's confusing.

Okay, well go ahead. And it's introduced me to somebody's fireman after this buck.

And she doesn't have a roommate, so she has like a whole.

Room firement party because sometimes they have party. That's how we met. My friend brought me to this fireman party and it was like an fdn Y Christmas party. She's a comedian, she's married to retired fireman and he they all get up on the bar.

They're giving speeches.

I was talking about this in my Netflix special because they all have the same voice.

They all talk like this, like I love you. It's a brotherhood. We're not just friends, but we're here for each other.

It sounds like a thread, beautiful, like why am I in trouble? Why do I feel like I'm under arrest for some reason? Every speech is like that, like it's exactly It's like fd and Y Foyer feitas. It sounds pretty foyasyus.

It's almost like Foyer for you.

But they're kind of like comics in it, Like they just they work a couple of days a week. They have these weird you know, like like hours and lives, and everybody kind of doesn't really understand what they do and asks the same sorts of questions about it.

Oh yeah, because honestly, I feel we should just talk about fireman because I know nothing about them. But I see the the trucks all the time, and it's like, there's not a fire all the time, Like, where are the trucks going.

Well, they go to they go to uh basically, these are their biggest calls. They go to people think that they smell gas in their building and usually it's nothing, and but they're odor of the get these calls all the time.

And then a bunch of fire come in and some guy's.

Embarrassed, like in front of his wife and she's talking to him, you know, and then they walk out and I was like, do you laugh at people when you leave?

He's like, oh, yeah, hold up, but it's better to be safe than sorry.

If you smell gas, you definitely have to hit somebody up.

Yeah, they got they do that. Yeah, a lot of their calls are definitely that. And then they get some stuck at a lot of stuck elevators.

I'll come home again. Two stuck elevators, one cool, I guess one over. It gains a dry dry fires happened because of the lint. They people leave the lint and the dryers dryer fire.

I was like, what is she saying.

He's like one dry fire, try fire fire, and so they go to Yeah, a lot of it's that.

And imagine you wash your clothes, you separate the colors, you throw them in the dryer, and you come down and you'll close.

Her a fire.

That's fucking nuts. My filings basement ship is one of a kind. My rayon polyester blend. I mean, they should all be on fire.

They should. They should be.

I would be stressed out about that.

They do building inspections. You see him for that. They love to go to the grocery store. They're always at the grocery store.

They sit around and eat too. They're like comics.

They sit around and eat until somebody asks them to, you know, go on stage or whatever.

You know. They they do a lot of sitting around talking shit too. So he understands you. He understands your life because there it.

Yeah, you're gone a lot. How much do you travel?

I travel a lot. And he's been coming with me everywhere so he can.

Go way comes down the road all the time.

He's like, where we going next, babe. And then and then he'll get he'll lay on.

The bed with his app. He's got an app for the fires. And here's the other thing about fireman. They love the fires. They get upset when they miss a fire, to be like, look at this baby, beautiful job up.

Ten seventy five, bright and dwelling fire on all floors.

Look at that. The guys are probably going through the front right now. They're lowering the hydrots, getting the bunch sweaty on the rig. What's the fire app?

It's like, I can't remember what it's called, but it's some FD and Y app where they see all the latest fires.

And it's like CNN, but there's for five pictures for fires.

There's just say which jobs.

And he always speaks to me like I understand all these military codes.

He's like, oh, these boys are going to work.

It's not it's not ten twenty one, it's a ten seventy five lowering the rigs right now with the nidrids, he got the probe's outside.

I'm like, am I the first.

Ten seventy five is a fire is like a healthy jeb like, you know, like a second alarm, Like these boys are going to work second alarm.

The boys.

So when you say the boys, that means everybody that's on a truck truck.

Yeah, I mean they have certain they all have different posts. He's a captain now, so.

So he'll send some of his guys in this way or that way, and they all have different ways of attacking the fire. After when we first like had sex, afterwards, I always act like he had a show called behind the Fire.

In the Fuego, Oh my interview to Bete, I'm gonna take you behind the fire.

And then I always acted like he had this show where he only had a T shirt on and no boxers, like I know my balls and diggera right now, but I'm going to take you. But we're not talking about that. We're talking about what happens behind them. He's like, nothing happens behind that makes no.

Sense, Rachel, How does he even take you serious?

He can't I put his captain's hat on all the time. As soon as I come home, I put it on my hat. I'm like, respect the rank. Please.

I feel like after y'all have sex, you bloop him, you bloop him on.

A nose like you I do.

I have a change on him. I'm an idiot. I have a complete fool.

I love it and we have some good fun. I'm here from all of it.

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Eh for you.

So he goes on the road with you, and you travel a lot.

How many weeks out of the year would you say that you're on the road. I'm probably saying right now.

I saw it down a little bit, so I'm like, away like two weekends a year. But he, you know, he works a couple of days in a row overnights. They call him twenty fours at the firehouse. So they'll he'll work a couple of twenty fours and then and then I'm like, you want to go to Nashville this weekend or whatever, and so he'll get a ticket and he likes to come along.

He'll like to hang with the comics, and you know, usually comedians like they don't care for a boyfriend.

That's what I was going to ask I'm like men, male comics, they bring their wives, their girlfriends, whatever, and it's fine, everybody accept it. But if you're a woman and you're you're a man, it's like, wait, why why would you do that. It's not like people are throwing dick at you anyway after a show, so it's like, why not bring it?

But they usually people don't want that guy anywhere around, you know, like at the table, the cellar, they're like, beat it, we don't hear his dumb story. Yeah, but I do feel like you can kind of people like fireman people.

So he's so different. He's not trying to be funny at all.

He just kind of gets a kick out of it all naturally funny because we're like laughing and everything.

He's said. Yeah, he's like he's hot, he's pretty cute.

Yeah, and so and it's like, but he's not this, he's it's so different. So I think people have like a general kind of interest in it, you know. And he doesn't have a headshot. He's not trying to be part of our world.

So that's what you do for now, like in the beginning, you never know, like three years down the road, he's got this fucking yohistic because you've got a notebook and you're like, wait, are you going to open mics? Well, I'm turning the house until open mic. The boys are gonna come home.

Boys. He loves to.

Tease me because he knows that's my worst nightmare that he would ever want to do stand up. He's like, yeah, I got it, type five, type five. Think it's good, said directly, the comedy said, do you a comedy? Saidral But no, he has, thank god, no intentions. But when he came out for the taping of the Netflix special, he had never been to la before, and he had

When it's we They don't do it before, try to do it after they do it after.

Yeah, they tape that do that.

I guess I'm not really sure, but I guess like it's just like a separate shoot. So they want to get the special in the bank first, or whatever the term is, and then they want to get all those little extra moments, and so they have you walking from outside of the theater all the way and through people, and it's just one of those long walks that feel so dumb and awkward as this camera is following you. Like, I just felt like there's no way to do this naturally, and like, what's my elbow been doing?

It looks kind of cool when it's in the final product. Watch it.

I always like it too makes sense.

But it was funny because he was watching it and he's like, he goes, I don't think you should do that.

You know, he goes, he already did this special. It's a it shouldn't have be done. I was like, you have no information to offer anyone, and then they tell you.

And then he walks up to the director and I watched him. He's usually just eating chips. I'm always wondering when I'm on the set. I'm like, is he like intrigued b is he looking over like her? No, she's usually just eating chips, kind of looking at it around at the wall.

I'm like, is he looking up at me like her life?

No?

He's usually yeah, just eating some sort of doritos, and he just walks up to this guy, the.

Director of the special, and he's like, I don't think you.

Should have to do that because you know, like she already did this special, right, And then she does that long walk after she looks tired.

You should just let it looks tired, said she's exhausted because I think she's done.

And I was like, Pete, no, you can't. That guy, you have no information for that. He could possibly drinking. No, he wasn't. He was just was just a man, never been on a set. He doesn't know.

But the best thing about fireman is I was like, I'm so sorry. I was like, he doesn't like now. I was like, he's a fireman. The guy's like, thank you for your service, Like right away. They always have a bunch of questions for your service.

Yeah, Rachel, we're gonna have to go back and do it again.

We're gonna run it one more time. Yeah, he was.

Then he just wanted to ask him all these questions about being a fireman. So it's a perfect excuse when he's a fool.

That's good for you that you were able to do both, you know, get you a man. That's also like cool, like people like firefighters.

It's fun.

When I'm on a plane, I'll tell everybody like I try to use it to get free stuff.

He's always shaking. Husband's a firefighter.

I'm like, don't you have like first responder upgrade. They're like, that's not.

You know, do what you gotta do to get what you can get to. They'll be like, bring the beverage card down.

I'm like, I'll have a ginger. He's a fireman. He's always like, that's not useful right now, but I like and.

Then they're like, thank you, keep a yes, sire, and they give him like a little a little little gin.

They send him an extra bag of chip. They're like, this is on us, and You're like, but they're free. Yeah, that's it was nine hundred dollars. Gives me all the chips.

Yeah, I'll use it. I'll use it.

I'm a firewife now I'm telling everyone a firewife. Rachel, tell me tell me about some of these hotels you've.

Been in it.

What's your least favorite hotels stay?

I hate to do you like this Howard Johnson's, but I've had some tougher Howard Johnson.

It sounds like it's in like, uh, like Florida. Somewhere is Howard Johnson. I think I did stay in Howard Johnson's It was Tampa, I believe. Okay.

When I started stand up, I would stay in hotels where I mean like I would go on orbits at the time, and I would get like a forty dollars hotel room, and I'm like, you can get a hotel for forty dollars, But meanwhile it's like, no, you can get it actively dangerous hotel, like there'd be holes in the sheets, like car terror. There was many terror years of just staying in the most jacked up, trifling places.

And it was fine because you're like, this is what I'm doing.

I love.

You're not used to like a nicer like you can do a yankie place until you stay in a nice place and then you're like.

Oh, out of here. Yeah, I've been doing this wrong. Not catching out the quality In again.

We went we did some shows in Miami last year and we stayed at the Quality In and they were like, there was a little cover on the the in the drain in the bathroom, and they were like, make sure you leave that closed because things crawl up at night.

There was a roach in our room.

Sydney went to put her shoe on. There was a roach in the shoe. The roach had a bikini on and everything.

And and whatnot. Threw the shoe off. The bell.

The roach was like, you should try the peanutlata.

It was not quality and it's jacked quality and is not quality.

We had a moto and it says, I you're already like on a shaky.

Ground and I always try to like downput the in this. I'll be like it's a boutique.

I'm like, not now, it's shacked up actively dangerous friends and read.

The yelp review the yelp. One of the Yelp reviews was like, oh, there was like four or five gun shots.

Someone got killed. I would have come back.

It wasn't there wasn't a gunshots.

I probably would stay here again. And they don't care.

They really don't care, Like they'll send any sex offender to pick up the comedian from the airport just you know, like I've got picked up by some of the most suspicious characters, just like where they're just crackling with insanity, like you can feel their feel the value.

Yeah, you get off the plane, You're like, is that shuge night with my name on the face of pipe? Get your bag?

No, because you know how they grab your bag for you. When you get the drivers, it's like pull your own ship.

You're like, oh, you're that rude ass, the rude ash driver that won't lug your tiny carry on.

I remember get doing this gig in Vegas and they sent this guy picked me up from a the airport. He was wearing like a Halloween shirt and it was like July, you know. And and just I had the biggest, dumbest suitit. I used to call my suitcase the Red Dragon. It was this big pile of garbage, but I brought it everywhere. I was always with the Red Dragon. And he I'm pulling it up those airport stairs. He's watching me like nothing, not even the tiniest hand.

He looked at his phone. He was like, you're gonna be a while, Yeah.

Just watching me, just lugging the dumb red Dragon. I mean, and it was it was heavy many airport stairs. The elevator was broken.

He didn't give a fuck.

Wow.

He was like, yeah, so you just want to do it yourself. You're just gonna have to figure it out.

So the Howard Johnson, Howar Johnson sounds like a like a dude who has like really good meat at his barbecue. You going to Howard today, Howard Howard Johnson's on the grove and it does it sounds like good barbecue.

Bad hotel.

Yeah, fine, fine, fine porkling.

He's grilling with those sandals, those like grated sandals. Yeah, the sandals with the with the little bucket wo.

Yes, yes, yes, the brown ones, but I say the good ones.

They threw us a bachelor bachelor party at this Dream Hotel. Love the Dream That was beautiful. That was really long.

Services great, Yeah, that was good.

They'll give you anything anything. You get a dumb urge at two a m. You know, for some sort of specific avocado egg thing coke.

Hey, I was like eggs eggs, Benedict. I mean.

You got dick down there, bring it up.

No, No, the Dream Hotel is cute. They they did you go to the pool they have.

Yeah, yeah, and they put like they made us a little party.

But they put fire hats in the they had a hot tub in the room and they put a bunch of fire.

We had a hot they gave us. It was a pretty sweet party. Wow.

Yeah, it was really fun. They had people come by and do like cryo facials and and nails and wait what massages.

There was a big dream a dream. Yeah, that's how you do that's how you do a bacheoette, Like yeah, the stuff, all the dicks and the stripper like, no, thank she's married to a fireman.

He's literally right now.

Yeah, she's married to what she don't eat a straw with like a dildo on it?

No thank you. Yeah, there were no dick necklaces. I was proud of that.

But I had a bachelor party with not a dick necklace in sight. Wow, did you have any crazy dick straw? Any crazy requests for room service?

That?

I mean usually I just like I like to have a lot of milkshakes and dumb hours. I like, I know, I eat like a six year old, Like it's like one croissant, one milkshap, like just the dumbest orders where they're like, are you an adult?

You know what kind of milkshake are you? Are you going for? I love chocolate milkshake and I love a strawberry milkshake vanilla. It's very satisfy.

Think milkshake that when you try to drink it through the straw and like like it comes out real slow.

Yeah.

When I have a hangover, I do a joy and Vanilla milkshake especially.

It's very soothing. Yeah, yeah it is. It's a good time. Yeah.

I remember Chris Rock had this joke about hotels about how like once women experience something, they always want that like what you were saying about the quality in like once you leave the quality, like once you stay at the other place, you that's it. And he was talking about how I'm sure going to butcher this Christrock drug and he was talking about how his wife he's like, I still when I'm at the plaza, I'm like the plaza, you know, Like yeah, but he said, his wife calls downstairs,

He's like, I'm so thankful to be there. She's like, sinnam men, cinnamon toast. I've been in the plaza, but I have never stayed at the plaza.

That I never stayed the plaza. The sheets on their beds, Oh, it's like.

You knew who were you at the plaza with I'll break that down. Listen, who did you go with?

Just know that I was at the plaza with somebody who was paying for the plaza, somebody who was paying for the paying for the No, it's a friend, somebody else is paying for the hotel for her, the plaza and the four Seasons and the world for story. It was those Are you were just with a friend at all? Three? I were three like most expensive hotels in Manhattan. I would hop with friends that just they just got just got it like that, just getting hotels.

Getting hotels, what Rachel, Rachel's doing?

Getting no tails.

We stayed another like we did another hotel tonight thing where they or they the whole family got together to meet each other or whatever. And my dad, See, we're not like his family. They know how to fix things. Juice, we don't know about. My dad just takes like sickly naps, you know what I.

Mean, and lean nabs.

He's a great man, but he doesn't know how to fix things or operate a fuse box.

I mean, he's he's impressive.

He's a civil rights lawyer and a blues musician, but you you know, yeah, he could play.

Dad is Bill Clinton. That's what I was gonna say.

He's piano and Zidico accordion and he's incredible.

He plays all by Indian. Your dad be like accordion harmonica. Yeah, you got the little hat Hurricane Howie.

He was a tiny vest.

Does your dad he does somewhere he wears a little Chinese Marty craffee.

He's in the New Orleans best he wears the Aladdin vest with like an undershirt. Does he do this on the train? Does he excuse me? Ladies and gentlemen raising like blues clubs in DC? Now, you know?

And he just he teaches civil rights now and he just plays blues at night. But he doesn't know how to fix a thing, like, you know, if a tires out, forget it. He's not the man to call, you know, you will just call a doctor if a tire's not working. So I was trying to explain my dad to him, and I'm like and and my dad meets him and this is the first thing he says to him in the hotel, so humiliated, goes.

You're a fireman.

And then he goes to tell you what, I got a dead squirrel in the backyard.

Maybe you can help me out with that a dead squirrel. I'm like, he's a fireman, he's not a taxidermist. No, your dad has a dead squirrel, and he asked him to help him. Yes, because you have.

To dispose of these animals.

You know how you do that?

You get a bag right now, throw it over the fence to the people next door.

You turn the bag inside out, throw it out of way.

No, you can't do that. Throw it at the neighbor's yard. And now it's like, it's.

A fine if you don't magic, it's a it's a fine. I don't have a yard.

A squirrel dies, I'm sliding it.

With my foot across the street, and then I'm gonna be like, well that's that's stay squirrel.

Yo.

If like say, for instance, like you have a dead possum like in front of your building, like you have to.

I've never even seen a possum in real life. I don't think they live animal.

Yeah, yeah, they not firemen. But listen, my dad goes, you take care of that dead squirrel carcass for me. Here's a beautiful sentence, very cleosy. He goes, you take care of that dead squirrel for me. Peter I'll tell you what I'll slip you with twenty.

I'll slip you that's what I say to your future husband. Yeah, like it's not.

A slip first of all if you announce it ahead of time. And he looked at me like is he serious? So it was like about everything except for the twenty you're money a red scent from how I.

Don't know why people are so weird about animals.

My friend Valerie was in her car driving and a bunch of geese jumped into like they were crossing the street.

And she hit them. She hit the geese.

And she was like, oh my god, like she's like a person with feelings, and she like pulled over to the side and people were driving by and they're like, you're a month s. People were calling the cops on my friend because she hit a bunch of geese crossing the street real slow, and the cops were like, yeah, we can't, like there's nothing that we can do.

Yeah, we don't respond to geese slang. Is it black? Geese?

Don't really, But people were driving by and my friend's like crying in the driver like they're like, you're a monster.

You should burn it. It's like, oh, she just accidentally accidentally hit geese. Though it's a whole group of it. It's not school of school of geese. You can see them. There's gaggle gaggle. It was which guy is the factchecker here?

I like, no, one's it's not a school of geese.

His expression the whole hour is so cute.

It's just like has the most attentive learning and this one and the other guy just looks like he's not interested.

He's just like, yeah, let's go to a collar.

You know.

He's learning.

Yeah, Anyway, people are weird when it comes to animals. But like, I don't want to see animals in my hotel. I don't want to see them like all my balcony. I don't want to see them in the pool that I'm do you how do you feel about a hotel pool because a lot of them I.

Feel are gross.

I guess if you think about it, they're gross. But I don't really care about germs. I forget about germs. Some people walk around and they really are aware of potential.

You know that you don't care about you? Yeah, I don't share anybody's cup. I don't care.

I mean, you're using chlorox wipes for everything, So.

I do I love a wipe. Yeah, I've always loved a wipe.

Now, when you stay in different hotels, do you do you bring? I bring my own pillowcases?

Do you wow?

So you run staying in a certain way, like she has flip flops to get in a shower.

The bitches a lot.

But if I stay in Airbnb, I'm bringing my own sheet. Yeah, I'm I'm stripping the bed. I'm putting my sheets down, I'm sleeping on them, and then I'm rolling them up and making the bed at the end of the shame me the.

Whole time you were in this hotel.

She's like, Oh, you're wearing any sandals and they shower ill you sleep in those sheets?

You're putting your face on the pillow. Growing up, she does same thing to me.

She's like, wait, chall gross, like everything I every impulse I have she finds.

But we're at the Quality Inn City already put her foot on a roach. She's in the shower with no shower shoes on.

I never even I've never wore a showered shoe in my life, and my dumb life.

I'm going on an old Davy flip flap flap to get in the shower.

Really, I didn't even know shower flip flops were. Oh my gods, I got it. I got in the shower on the roach, had a towel on. Excuse me wrap his hair up. He was like, excuse me, I'm not finished? Could you not? Could you not? Wait? Do you guys wear shower shoes?

I know, probably not supposed to address the gentleman when during a live recording here, but gross.

Familiar. You know, listen, bring a shower stand.

I've been in friends' houses and I've gotten in their shower with my flip flaps on.

Wow, you must have the loveliest feet.

Yes, but not with a shoe, a closed shoe. I'll pick a squirrel with a dead shoe. I mean a closed toad shoe. I'm not gonna have a sand like. I'm not doing it in the burket stop.

See.

I always just assume I'm the one that should apologize for whatever I'm bringing to the table. Like when we used to leave friend's houses when I was a kid, My mom used to get I had to go back to the house if I didn't do this, to find the father, the mother and say like thank you, for having me, mister cap And if I didn't say thank you for having me, then I got a nice, good sweet smack up side my head in the car. But

Like beg you for having me. I'm sorry about whatever.

If I leave housekeeping a note, I leave them a little like yeah, like, because I'm the type of person who leaves the heat on very high in my room, I'll leave a mess like they're One hotel I went to, I think it was the Sheraton. They fixed my makeup because it was all it looked like it exploded all they organized everything, and when I immediately I saw it, I was like, that was bitches, so much shit. And then I was like, oh wow, everything's here. They just

They make that little classic Oh my god, I do that by myself.

Y'all are trash. I left.

I left twenty dollars. I said, thank you so much, you love twenty dollars for the people because they fixed your makeup. Listen, and I was at one. I went to another hotel and I gave a tip and the woman was like, they don't do that here.

Thank you. So it was did you make the ladies sound like a slave? They don't know that we can. It was actually a white woman. I was like, oh my god, there's a white slave here. I'll be back.

Come on, Hannah, I'll be back.

That's awful. No, don't touch my makeup.

Don't I put the I put the hand towel down and I put my makeup on top of that. I do that, so I already do that, and then I put a towel down in front of the tubs.

So when I step out, the kind of woman I want my shower shoes. Yeahs, it's not classy.

I'm just too gemophobic, just like like touching things.

I mean, you want a tight shir that's a lot.

I always wanted to be one of those lovely but like if you ever look at my mom's like things on her dresser, and she would always have them just her look like such a perfect.

Lady dresser and her I don't have any like that. I'm mat sure your lady dresser very impressive.

It's cocoa butter to the side. Rachel Edibles.

You take your outfits out of the suitcase and hang them up. Do you do that? That sounds a lot about a woman. You don't do that.

Some times he gets mad at me because he wants me to unpack as soon as I go home, and I'm like, no, why you can't when somebody else unpacked, I can't relate to that. Why could that possibly bother you when I unpacked my suitcase? But he is very organized.

I never unpack immediately. I let whatever settle, whatever dust settle to the bottom.

Whatever quality.

Injest, if there's a lot you know that unpacked, repack, it's like, that's my whole life.

Give it them, let me give it a moment.

Let the suitcase sit there for a couple of days, and I live out of the suitcase.

I want to get home to me too sometimes too.

Did you know that that little weird stand thing at the hotels for you to unpack your suitcase?

Yes? Did you know that?

I did know, and I only learned it like after I've been on the road for like twelve years.

Yeah, okay, I'm a slow learner. But now I put it there.

You got to satisfy your suitcase up and put it on that thing, and that's what you're supposed to.

And also, did you know you get a good packing tip is you put your stuff in your shoes, put your put your socks in your shoes or like or like. If you want to stuff more things in a suitcase, you put things inside of shoes.

I learned that from mom.

Nah, I thought you were supposed to sit on the suitcase to pack it.

I do that too, sit zip yeah, I do sit. Yeah.

If you wear spandex, that's great for packing because you literally keep folding and folding.

Rolling.

Rolling is also better than folding for packing. Let's wrinkles if you roll. I've earned a few fun loving tips.

So we Sitney irons at the hotel.

She'll use the iron wow, And I'm like, girl, I just used that spray.

There's like some irons for yes, trial size down good. No, it's good.

It works, but you spray it on something that's wrinkled and it'll unwrinkle it.

Yes.

Yes, But we were at the Stratosphere and let me tell you, they put a lock on the motherfucking iron and table.

It was crazy.

I was like, who is stealing iron and irons here in Vegas?

This is trash.

I can't believe you stayed at the Stratosphere. That's great anyway. Yeah, because I see my friend, I say, have you done Vegas? Like, like, what hotels? Have you seen him there?

Let's see, I was at Harrah's, which is the you stay at the hotel there, like the Harrah's Hotel. God, I mean I stayed like when I'm opening for Schumer, we stay at the nice places like the Writs and stuff like that.

Are you friends with Schumer? Okay?

Right?

Yeah?

We have a podcast, yes, name called Three Girls One Keith. It's me Schumer, Keith Robinson. And let's I know, Keith is my buddy so grumpy, it's hysterical. The Yeah, it's just Keith, Amy, me and our friend Bridget So we have a podcast together on Spotify, Three Girls, One Keith.

But yeah, she was my bridesmaid Amy, here's that. It was fun. Yeah, what's like to have a famous bridesmaid? She was pretty cool. I mean, neither of us know a.

Lot about like and she ain't doing none of the ship you asked like, because people will be asking a lot of bridesmaids, like you got to go to all these parties. You gotta plan, plan, plan, you gotta send out emails, they gotta like, you gotta.

Wear the ugly dress dress for the bridesmaids. No, I think they're pretty cute.

They're like just normal like long navy dresses maybe yeah, good, Yeah they were.

They were pretty cute. They they really liked him. I just I just had two. But I don't.

I don't know about stuff like that. So I didn't really make anybody do. And everybody was telling me what I was supposed to do.

The bridesmaids ar and is pretty as you and You're like, I don't. I'm not worried about this, yeah at all. I'm the bride.

I'm getting married. Yeah, I didn't know about anything like that.

Like, it was his mother that would call me up and she would tell me things that I and she had a vision for wedding.

You know, she had been dreaming about the day her whole life exactly. My mom is like super liberal.

She's just like I hope it's a rock and time, you know, like she doesn't know it at all. Yeah, She's like she was like weddings rock, Like she had no insight to offer.

And his mom was.

Like, sweetheart, I see the suit that I see on the Tony's I would like Peter to wear these SUITI is from a person named Joshua.

He's an actor named Joshua from the Tony's. Honey, can you wear these suits? I love it?

And it was it was josh Grobin, but I was like, I was trying to figure out what is the your mom wants you to wear the suit of Joshua from the Tonys.

I'm like, what She's like, he's a tuxedo, honey from Joshua's from the Tony's.

It's a tuxedo, Honey, learn about it.

He's like, she can wear the tuxedo from Joshua from the Tony's. And then I found Joshua from the Tony's and I was like, oh, you know what, the toxedo is kind of sharp, so I was like, you want to wear a tux So we had him basically in the same tex as Joshua from the.

Tony Toxedo did Josh Grobin one of the Tonies.

I think it was this like adult ching, but I can't remember the name of the brand.

It's on my phone. Had we got like the We got like the lower rent version of that, but it is so nice.

So we have a fashion over version exactly.

It's called Indo Chino there in Soho. It's like a good place, it's a good talks place, but it's on like Dulce Gabana.

Yeah, but so he You also weren't going to like Burlington Go factory for these suits.

No, somewhere in between.

It's like, oh, Target does tuxeedles o. Whoa they got a black label note wow, conscious brand. I'm here for all of that.

Okay.

So we talked about your Is there anything that like, is there a like an inside thing that you know about hotels that you feel like people don't take advantage of, well, people don't know or Sydney even well.

I mean this isn't really, this is not in any way inside. But so the answer to that is no, But you can eat. I mean, there are a lot of great snacks in that little fridge, and I say, just give him to yourself, all stuff, every fun loving treat right.

In my face. You have paid for it. I know, you gotta pay for it. I know, and it's over bryce and it is. But I like those snacks.

Like one time I saw Twizzlers ten dollars, fucking way ten dollars, ten dollars I was like, is this a movie theaters?

Like?

Why is Twizzlers this month? This is this is what you gotta do, Rachel. Before you get to the hotel, you gotta go to like a Walgreens or or a Dwayne Read and pick up all your snacks from there then eat them in your room.

Yeah, no, that is true. I do sometimes do those drug store trips. I'll get myself some sort of protein and shine water. Yeah, one of those big old waters. Yeah, I go. I do some lunges in the gym. I'm the kind of person when I wait when I work out. I don't know if you guys feel like this. I work out for two minutes and in my mind, I think I'm taking over the world, like I'm such a dick.

Like I'll do like half a lunch and.

You're like, let me look at my legs and see if I can see the muscles already.

Yeah, And then my mind, I'm like, motherfucker's better step the fuck back.

I'm like, you just checked a text message. I did like one side lunch for yourself. But I work out for like three minutes, and I really do. I think I'm like Lebron and I'm just fucking on the treadmill, like fuck you bit and I'm just relax.

You just like, what's almost nothing? Excuse me? What? Sorry?

But as soon as I start at the gym, like I just play a little music and I think I'm a hero for like I'm in my mind, I really am.

I'm like Connor McGregor or something.

But you got a lot of I can tell you got a lot going on in that noggin you got. You got a lot of a lot of people in there, a lot of voices.

I see, I see.

I just when I went to the gym, I do I work out for a few minutes and I think I'm the truth.

But nobody else feels like this. Men, gentlemen, Oh god, he's completely I was like, I work out for a little bit and back me up.

Don't you ever kind of like it takes a few minutes and you really think you're taking over it.

It depends. It's like, what song are you listening to?

Short?

Too short? Blow the whistle? Okay, that's why I'm sorry. It's a very fun song. But I was on the treadmill. I mean, I was on that stair thing the other day.

And I'll take a compliment wherever I could get it. This was really sad moment because these two kids, they were maybe like twenty three, twenty four something, and I'm on that stair thing and I just hear one of them talk to the other one.

I was just doing this and he goes is like he was pointing over me. I was like, Oh, that's.

That actually brightened my day, that's what it is. I was like, how sad. It was just one nudge and he just went is a nice twenty three year olds from Jersey. He didn't mean for me to hear it. It was supposed to be private exchange. He was just pointing out the ass to his friend.

And I was like, I was touched.

But didn't make you like Archer back and pull your butt out a little bit more.

Yeah, I try. I wanted to sho that's right. I'm thinking that the snicker. I want to tiger than a snicker. I think you need a shirt. I think you need a shirt boot.

You gotta get that on a sweater.

Wait. I had like a tip.

I had a tip if you check into your hotel late, like the overnight, when you are like nice to the overnight people at the front desk. They fucking hook you up. Like when we went to the Sheraton, I was talking to the overnight guy and he's like, I'm not supposed to tell you this, but they have a breakfast and certain time and it's people pay extra for this breakfast, but I'm gonna tell you what's time to go. I'm gonna put your name on the list. I mean a breakfast wasn't shit, but it was just.

It was bagels and orange juice. But it was.

Cool to go there and just you know, get those powdered eggs and whatnot and fruits.

But it's just like be nice to the overnight people.

They're there, they don't want to be there, see what they're doing, how they're feeling, and just like talk them up.

So yeah, they can like give you stuff. So the nice of the hotel, the better the breakfast. Like the nicer the place you're staying, the better the food is gonna be.

Like if you stay.

I stayed at the Wind in Vegas, and my sister and I were eating like frittatas and like split in a like a crunchy brio French toast quality in it was like you get these neutra brain bars that expired in two thousand and eight.

No, they're gonna tell you to go to the vending.

Machine down the hall and maybe there'll be some ice next to it.

At a box, like a box full of bagels. Yeah, I've seen that cardboard box. They have them at those FDNY pick next they'll have I'm like, come on, these.

Bobs deserve better. But a box full of hardened bagels, a box of bays.

It was a box, yeah, a cardboard box of bagels. And I was talking to some of the firemen. I was like thinking, I was going to find the one liberal fireman, you know what I mean, because like, because I'm in my mind, it's really confusing because like I said, I'm really attracted to all of them, but but I want to pick political fights with the So it's confused because I'm like actively aroused, but I want to, like, you know, yell at him about Hillary Clinton or whatever.

That's all I need. He goes, just a blue sky, a sandwich, and my gun.

Why, well, you need a gun. You need a gun to shoot.

I was seriously, I was opening up my body. I was like, I found the one liberal and he's like my gun.

I'm like, what is the threat. You're in the sky, you know. He just sometimes you just want to shoot. Oh no, just the blue sky is sandwich of my gun. Sandwich, Well, that's what it is. A sandwich pairs well with the good. Yea.

I love a uniform, so I can't. I'm a sucker for a uniform. I had this stalker online for a while.

I get to the police report. She would write these long.

Hold on, let me sit down, single white female, okay.

She would write these long emails to me, and it was just basically harassing emails. But she would write to comedy clubs complaining that I smelled right. It was all about smelling odor. So one of them she'd be like, and she'd buy all these domain names like Rachel Fart smelling Feinstein.

It's so humiliating.

She'd buy and buy these so mad names and then write these long harassing letters and just emails after has she met you before? Yeah, I mean I think she saw me once at a show. And then I found out that she was also harassing like a local rabbi near where she lived, you know.

And accusing him of the smelling.

Out of God.

And she was writing him a lot of anti Semitic emails, which is funny because she's Jewish, but she's insane. But she was writing him all these emails about how he smelled and he had a bad odor and he was a pottyodor a lot of like pottyodor at feinstein dot com. Like she'd buy all these domain names for me and the rabbi about how we both equally sunk.

So I had to finally go and I.

Had to finally go file a police report, and party of me was like a little excited because like I want to go, like I just like I like a uniform, you know. But then I had to go into the police station and read the emails were just so humiliating.

I'm like, they're like, well, what do they say? And I'm like, they say, they call me Rachel Bard smelling fine stuff.

Wait, so this is weird. So you met this woman at a show and she's like, hey, big fan, and you're like, actually have to run to another show.

And she was like, I think I had.

Brief encounter, and she didn't like how short it was, so she decided to let me know that I was smelling down.

All these domain names.

She would buy domain names for hours a day, me and the rabbi, And I wonder what the rabbi did. He didn't like the way he made her read her Well, maybe she was trying to convert you.

You know, the rabbis have to ignore you a couple of times if you're trying to convert.

Because you saw a sex in the city.

Because Scarlette, Charlotte, Charlotte, I ignore Okay girl, She's like, you know they have to ignore you.

I'm all right, okay, Sydney.

You know they has to play hard to get, you know, okay, because because they do whatever.

I shouldn't read any of this stuff, but I read everything and you're not supposed to do. There's some guy named mister twat Waffles that writes under all my YouTube videos. His screen name is mister twat Waffles, and I still read every comment. I'm like, why do I care what mister twat Waffles has to say about me.

Wait, what happened with the stalker?

We want to know?

Sorry, so I have time on the police report, and and then she we we had a court date, but she ended up getting called back in because she threatened to bomb an airport, and so she's back in jail now anyway, so I didn't have to I never ended up having to go to court in jail.

Some of these people, well, what airport did she threaten to bum? Because why airports are created equal?

Yeah?

Yeah, and Newark as well. Also, please bomb this place. We've been trying to get rid of it.

Yeah, my brothers.

I never told my parents because I want to worry them. My brothers are such idiots. They thought the whole thing was hysterical because she was calling me like fart smelling friends. They thought it was really funny. And my brother said he was going to show up. He's like, I'm not really sure whose side I'm on, you know, for the trial. They kept talking about the trial as if there was going to be an actual trial, so I have to change her day for this.

But they were like, my brother said.

He was going to wear a sweatshirt that said I'm on Kelly's side and like sit on her side, and he made up the change on the computer. You know how you could show somebody the shirt. My brother likes to make fake ridiculous and said, like, I'm on Kelly's side.

It was a picture of a month's shot for her for harrissing me. There's a mugshot in rugshot. Yeah, how do we get this shirt? So let's get let's show you after. Yeah, we want to see going.

To show you she looks kind of like Tom Petty. She's haunting Tom Petty.

Yeah, right, so that's rude, that's so mean.

I mean she did, you know, buy a lot of fart smelling finestide website?

She old? Did she young?

Also, she sounds white?

She's white?

Yes, obviously to fool the record, I want to you know most of my stalkers are white.

There was only most of my stalkers are white.

Why don't even be busy.

We'd be busy. We got like twelve jobs, we got two kids.

We're dealing with our own stalker.

Yes, there was one black guy that wrote me a lot of emails. But his name was Tony on the girl and he just told me he wanted to cook for me.

Tony Tony on the Girl that's Howard Johnson's son, Tony's on the grill at Howard's house.

They were like pleasing because like I would look at the meals that a lot of them looked really good, like they.

Were made on a George Foreman. Is sweet.

It wasn't even fully on the grill was sending you pictures of food that he would just be.

Like, boo, I just want to cook for you. I'm thinking you want to cook for you and listen.

It was on a George Foreman. I've been some of the best meals I've had. It was on a George Foreman small ones, the small on the travel size for men.

I'm just I gotta go. We gotta wrap this mother episode up, my best Shut up, Sydney. The meals looked tasty, and it was difficult.

To know is that talking or is that that's not a person?

A fan? You persistent. It was kind of sweet. He always had a picture of the meal. He was like, I just want to feed you.

When you zoomed into those pictures of the food, was his dick in the corner, like you at the bottom corner, his dick was there.

And Rachel if you would have gave.

Him corner to Rachel, if you would have gave him some time, you wouldn't be with a firefighter. You would have a man with a grill at the table. They would accept the man with a grill. You came and all cook because they have to cook for the whole firehouse. So my husband cooks a lot.

Anyway, I didn't show him too. Yeah, they have four men's they love growing firemen. But I did show my husband some of the meals Tony made.

He agreed they looked for We should have come bout a house. You should invite him over for Thanksgiving. Girl. Yeah, I mean it was nice to me. He told me I was thick and they just wanted to help me get that.

Girl, I'm trying to get trying to get thick since nineteen ninety.

I can use an extra thigh or two. You know, I'm gonna find some of Tony's.

Yes, Rachel, now this is dumb. I shouldn't even mention this, but it's it's You're gonna mention it anyway, you know, because I.

Want to get it right ahead. I was wrong.

It's not fine Stein, it's fine sign.

So I said that in the beginning. You didn't even correct me, Everybody says, Feinstein, I don't really care. I feel like you should care.

You know, Ariana Grande is actually it's Ariana Grandee. It's Grandy's.

Grandidy. Don't flip the table. This is Teresa Juda.

Wait it made so it's Ariana Grande. Grandy doesn't sound as good as Grande.

She knew that.

That's why she's like, it's Grandy, but it's Ariana Grande.

It's arian Even her first name I don't even know, because Rihanna's not her first name.

But somebody kept saying her Grande, Grande grande, and finally she was like, Grandy, it was my grandfather's is my grandfather's name. That's why I went to call upper called her so hard because I was like, well, why don't you correct people? Well, because this is the thing too, because when I was little, people used to say Marie Fausten, Fauston fust fast, stupid, and it's fast.

As it seems like it would be. It's Foston, it's fasted. But when I was in like first grade, I let people call me Fauston. Rachel. You should have you should have just you could have read me. You could should. Yeah. The thing is.

The thing is, it's like I've always hated my last name. I feel like it's not a hot name. If somebody wants to my name is cock boxed me my whole life. If somebody wanted to set you up with a racial fine style, it's not sexy. You're like, let me see some pictures. I'm seventy photos. Uncomfortable.

Yeah, I got a dick in the corner of the photo.

Yeah, she got a George former though, Sidney. The grill, that's all you need.

This is the grill.

You know.

They weren't said like Rachel Menoralwitz or something. It's a lot of normal name Rachel.

I always want to change it to like, oh, fine stuff, you got a new last name. Now, No, I didn't change my bitch five his last name is Brennan. And there's too many comics with the last name Brennan, so Neil, no, thank you, I didn't. Yeah, there's we got Neil and Kevin and yeah, I can't be the third Brennan comics. But when I was a little all I wanted was a new last name, Like they would say my name and roll and I was like, oh, no, don't say it a cop box me.

You know, it's a good last name, Foston.

What it sounds rich, it sounds full, stay like like York, Custus or Washington.

That's my last name. She is your last Yeah, I always wanted to treat Rachel Washington. You gotta marry Sydney's that was one of the ones. You were just marry Sydney. But Sydney is not a fire. Sydney's not a fire.

Because I didn't know your last name, but I used to write it on my my you know, my tropperty No way, Rachel.

Washington, Rachel.

What's your husband's name, Pete, Peter Brennan, Peter about to take your bit?

She man?

Now, Oh my god, we gotta go. Rachel. This has been so fun. You are hilarious. Yeah, there's time.

This is so the anything you want to leave the listeners with, either about firemen or hotels or.

Uh, hotel tonight, you can get a hotel that night. That's how it works.

You open up the app and you just get like good deals on on like that very evening and you can get you could be living life, not trife, but living life.

I wrote that there nothing to do with that ride like they were like.

No hotel, right, nah? What are you ludicrous? What? Well?

I learned today that it's arian A Grandy grandy and that actually doesn't sound good at all.

Arian A Grandee.

And I'm at Gotham Comedy Club this weekend. But I don't know when this is gonna air.

Neither nobody does record just flip a coin and be like, well, we haven't had a girl att while she why let's do it?

What do you want to say?

I wanted to say that Rachel, this was the first time hanging out with you, and this has been like amazing.

I had the best day here in this cozy room.

And I also learned that you know, the hotels that I'm going to, all right, they could be better? No said you stay at the Stratosphere in Las Vegas.

Talked about it that I was not their friend. I wasn't in Vegas that weekend. I've been at the Wind and the Love Sore and the cousin Politan had sex on a belty A lot of truth. Friend, that's our friend, Molly, shut up, don't.

See my truth.

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