"The Drag Expert" with Miz Cracker

Forever.

Hi. Wow, wow, wow, wow, we're here. We're here.

Hey, Sidney girl.

Hello, Hello, we're right, we're back. We're back from a trip, and I am refreshed. The reset has the reset has happened, and I'm I'm positive about where I am right now.

You're on the couch. Yes, you're positive about that? Yes, okay, I love that your present, babe.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what I mean. I'm here.

Sydney. You said you you feel refreshed after that vacation, after that work trip that you took. Well, you you did sleep for a couple of hours.

Friends, Oh, every day, every day, every day, that's that's my drinking sleeping. Yeah.

Every day I would wake up and I'd be like, I wonder if Sydney's gonna come out with us today, or we would go out for like I don't know, and or and then Sidney would get right back in the bed, and it was like, where did Sidney?

Oh, there she is. I can't believe you guys didn't even get pictures or videos of me passed out because we was outside. Yeah, that's right, we were outside. For many of the people who don't know, we just came back from a world when New Orleans trip for our good sister Amina. It was her birthday and birthday birthday.

It was a nice little trip. I had a good time. You know. I was doing all that I could to put myself out there for y'all, you know, for the pod, for the story. And I can tell I left my voice down there.

I think.

I had a voiceover audition today and they were like, we don't want any gravelly voices. And I said, well, guess I'm not gonna do this like this shit because I sound like a car engine. So shout out to that visa gig that I will not be booking.

Well, I mean, I think that's racist and homophobic. What's wrong with gravelly voices?

I mean, I think when you watch a visa commercial, it's usually like, hi, so if you want your car yang like this. It's not you guys are like buying things like.

Actually, that makes me want to buy more. I was like, who is that woman? No? Who is that man? No, sir, no, no, who is that beautiful human being? Okay, we don't. We don't go by gender constructs, Thank you, Sidney. Who is that?

They them that commercial? It's like, Wow, Tony Braxton's doing really bad. No, yeah, so that they They were calling me before we were recording this episode. They were like, hey, are you still gonna sement for Fisa, And I'm like, I don't want to waste anybody's time. I mean, the damn the voices, the voice is gone.

Sis. Yeah, and I'm trying to think. I'm like, I mean, we had fun, but like we weren't. We weren't screaming like that. We were screaming on that swamp tour. Oh that's right, we did a swamp tour, guys. Can you believe it? We were live, laughing and loving.

Yeah, we were like every time the Real Housewives take a trip, they always do a group activity. Let's be Real Housewives in New Orleans and go, you know, look at some alligators in a dirty, dirty swamp.

It was just I would have hated. Not only did the alligators look dusty and dirty and nasty, so did the water. And I would have just hated to fall into the water.

Since if you fall in that swamp, you don't have to worry about how dirty the water is. You will get eaten by those alligators. So also, like Sidney, if your wig fell in the water, would you reach.

In and get it. That's a million dollar question right this week? The good wig? The now, okay, all right, how many days do I have left of the trip? Because if it's in the beginning of the trip, I'm gonna have to get the wig. If it's at the end, then I'm just gonna go to the airport. Uh, you know, straight straight boxed and stocking cap and all.

You know, m it's the beginning, it's the it's the middle of the trip. It's the middle of the trip. You you got the same amount of days on either side.

Yeah, that's a tough one. I'm not gonna lie. I don't know. I can't say. I can't confirm or deny what I would have done. I mean, I don't know.

We have a video of like how fast alligator's mouths shut, Like in a millisecond. The guy threw a marshmallow into this alligator's mouth. So all the gators in New Orleans have in Louisiana have diabetes in case you guys didn't know, but uh, but.

They got They have great dental, great dental because the teeth are all they're doing better than me.

I mean, Sidney, I believe that you'll get that tooth that you've been praying for.

Oh my God, can we do a prayer circle? I just want that fucking toothback. Well, first I want my teeth straight I have to get my teeth straightened, and then I can put in the implant. So you know, we're thinking about ten g's ten.

Thousand dollars for a tooth. Teeth costs more than titties.

No, no, but I like I'm gonna I think I have to get a visiline and then I have to get the tooth implant and the tooth implant. I don't know. It's gonna run me a couple thouls. It's gonna be like four thousand dollars. Yeah, teeth are expensive, four thousand. I feel like a crown is like thirty five hundred dollars. Okay, Well, you know, I think this missing tooth is my character now, so it's a personality trait. Marie, Marie, we haven't done this in a long fucking time. What were you an

Oh wow, friend, I think this week I was an expert at putting myself out there, truly putting myself at risk for a good time and a good story. And I mean I can't really get into the details of the story right now because we talked about it on the Patreon. Yes, you're gonna have to if you want to hear about it, babes, you gotta go to the pittrion.

Just know that the thing that I put myself at risk for involves.

Eating booty like groceries. Yes, yes, that's all i'mota say. That's all IMA say to you.

I think, I think, I think right now, I think right now, if you all are listening to the pod, you should click right off and go right to the Patreon and sign up right.

For Look look at wait you were you were the one doing it?

Andrew. We can't answer, We can't. We can't answer anything.

You think my voice is right because I was eating booty.

Well, we can't.

We can't confirm or den Do you think I eat vacation straight man?

Ass? Hold on? Okay, wait, so okay, wait, what was what was the Andrew you have? Yeah, you have to get on the patreon, bab You have to pay for the page. To pay for the patreon. Yea, love it.

That's that's what happened, or that's what was going to happen.

And yeah, you know, you posted a picture of like this guy like flirting with you at a bar.

But then there is sir, yes it is am.

I following Am I going into that, Yeah you are Andrew.

If anybody wants to know Marie's business, they got to go to the Patreon And.

That's I was speaking to Marie's lawyer.

Yes you well, that's what That's what Siddy was doing in New Orleans. Okay, she went to Tulane School of Law.

There you go, I do anything for my client. And that is that sustained.

Can I ask one question and then you can choose to not answer it or you kind of answer it.

Carry carry on.

Okay, So like that, you posted a picture of someone flirting with you at a bar, and I feel this. I looked in the comments and people recognize this person.

Oh yeah, it's that guy. That's the guy.

Okay, all right, that's the well I mean.

And and because I said his name on Patreon and when I posted the photo.

People were like, oh is that him? And my heart stopped for a second because I was like, do these people know him?

And then but they don't. I forgot that I had said his whole government on the Patreon.

Yeah, we love someone's gonna recognize him, that actually knows him, and he's gonna find it.

And I hope and that's I hope he doesn't. I hope that. You know what. Never mind, if you need to know what happened, go to the Patreon. That's it. That's the last time I'm promoting this thing. Right now.

I feel like you're saying that, but we're only eight minutes and you're gonna say it again.

So this is how you sell. This is how you sell. Okay, yeah, all right, Sidney or you are an expert in this week, uh expert in.

Hmm.

See, I asked you that, but I didn't know what exactly I was going to do. But I did say yes, I'm not going to say to you know what company, but they want to give me an air conditioner. So I am saying yes to more influencer gifts. I believe it. I believe it's my duty to take on these air It did. It is a gorgeous air conditioner and they're going to come and set it up. And the key key is that last year for sid can Cook, I raised money to buy an AC and now I'm taking that out.

Okay, well I'll take the old one because I don't have one.

Yeah.

Also, why did you make it seem like you said yes to something no one else would have said?

Yes, I have an AC Now listen, listen, this is a suspense. I'm an artist.

How many BTUs the way more?

Way more? When I told them how many BTUs I had, they were like, for the that apartment. I said, yes, yes, for that apartment. Don't do that. Don't do that? Is it a studio that? Yeah? Yeah?

Yeah?

How many real? Yeah?

BTU slender and.

Ship Yeah, well bt us can tell you how broke you are, so if you go by the bt U s, people can really tell your t well.

Sometimes people get bt us based on what's on sales.

It was definitely I'm doing what was in my budget. I don't care about the about the room size, It's like, okay, does that make sense for me? I'm just go sitting from the a C. I don't need the whole room colde. I just need where I'm at. You're like, so, now you're a C is a fan? Got it? That's what That's what it is?

Many?

How many bt us is? The is the CID can cook AC.

I think like five thousand, which is nothing. It's a fan. It's a fan, dude. I'm paying Yeah, I'm paying more in my Connad bill for the A C than I would if I had three fans. It's done. Oh all right, Well I'll think about it. Maybe yeah, in my bathroom or something. Okay. Well, on a higher note, on a higher note, we have a guest today.

Weekly.

Oh my god. We needed well, we needed to take a break. You know, people, people actually love the solos, so don't do that. They do love the soul. They'd dodoor the solos.

You're saying that as you're introducing again.

But you know what, because I guess, but people like when it's just well, you know what, I'm so proud of the guests that we have. It's gonna blow our solos out the water, do you hear me? Yes?

This guest was one of our first live show or what I think the first live show guest we ever booked. Very funny, freaking, fantastic, unrecognizable.

Right now, yes we can't. We don't know what they are right now.

But would not have.

Would not have stopped to speak to this person on the streets of New York. I'd be like, I don't have any change, but we heart we heart them, and you heart them and you know them. It's the fabulous, it's the famous, it's the super ms Cracker, our drag expert.

Yes, he love she's a woman. How are you guys doing today? I'm so glad to be on the Squadcast again.

I like everything that's happening over there. What's this setup you have? Like this pink curtain behind you? You're on a pink couch. Are you at Mariah Carey's house?

I am a backstage at Victoria's Secret, helping the girls get ready. No, I'm this is my little studio. Because you know, there haven't been any live shows. I had to make a fancy background for when I do important things like host bingo. So yeah, I have don't do that.

Don't do that bingo. Don't do that, miss Cracker. Some of our closest friends have done bingos, Andrew, that's true. Yeah, yeah, it is very It's a cultural.

It's a it's an old gay thing, you know what I mean? Like people people that use people that used Adam for Adam are also into bango. Do you know what I mean like that's the the old fashioned gays, you know.

Is Adam for Adam gay my space?

Adam for Adam is definitely gay my Space. It's like basically like Grinder before there were mobile platforms, it was like a desktop thing in the early aughts. And uh, if you ever are gay and you have forgotten what Adam for Adam is, all you need to hear is and you're like your entire old gay body stands up because that was the sound it made when you got a message. And it's like Pavlov's bell, Like all gays start drooling when they hear that noise, that little alert. It like trained us.

So yeah, now, what's the craziest message you ever received on Adam for Adam? Because I feel like men talk to each other. I just think men are they talk, they date differently, they talk to each other differently. Like I feel like, oh my god, eating around the bush.

Oh I got one that was like I'm behind you. That was the creepiest one that I got. And I was like at work and I was like, you know, like looking around. I was like I think they were like on the street and they saw somebody like like kind of similar to me or something like that. But I'm behind you is definitely like the most bone chilling one. But I've definitely gotten a lot more bone chilling things from fans as a drag queen that I have on gay.

Platforms, like like yeah, like get into it right now.

Like one time I was at a meet and greet with fans and this girl like pushed a stuffed envelope into my hands. It was like one of those packs that has like rabbit fur or whatever in between the you know those things, you like open them up and fuzz gets everywhere. So I like open this thing in the dressing room and all of these tiny plastic babies

That person, that person has a dead body in their freaking gosh for sure, at least that person has a crawl space.

Yea, yeah, that's a person with a crawls bath. That's a person with an antique.

Yeah yeah, So what did you do with all the tiny babies?

I kept them because I was afraid to throw away the babies because it felt like it would curse me, do you know what I mean? So I kept him for a long time. I think there's somewhere here in my studio still, so somewhere there's four to five hundred babies. I feel like you can.

You can throw the pop star, Miss Cracker. You could throw them away your body, your choice. Okay, babies away.

People literally all over the country.

This country.

People throw babies away every day, every day, every day.

And what I usually do, I'll just I'll just swallow them.

You know, they got little holes in them, so they'll they'll go down the asha gets smoother, they're aerodynamic. Yeah, So what you're saying is when people give you gifts, you're just gonna hoard them until you because you're gonna get more stuff the like the more time passes.

So I have a I have a doormat with my face on it, which is an interesting gift, just like it's like could go both ways, Like what the message is there? I have all kinds of cracker memorabilia.

So yeah, okay, but now, so you are our drag expert for obvious reasons. You know, you're you're the most famous drag queen that I know. Is there a more famous Well I mean maybe ru Paul, but yeah, is there a more famous drag queen?

Yeah, I'm the one that you have on speed dial.

And that's what matters, you know, right, Well, you're the one that when I put up a stupid Instagram video, you're like, what is this? But it's all it's always the looks like it's You're always you always bring it together and it always makes it.

Whenever I see your page, I'm like, do I need to do drag? I need to do more? Right? Right?

I feel like the outfits the week changes. Talk to us a little bit about like how you come up with that outfits? Is it? People make them for you and then they like they have to do like a runaway show, and you're like Miranda Priestley, like yes, I like it or no, I hate it?

Do you collaborate on the looks?

I wish it were that way, that that would be closer to shopping and I love that. But by the way, I get a lot of outfit and wig switch inspiration from you two because you know, you guys are serving looks on the on the gram, and you taught me that it's okay to go up on stage looking fabulous for your comedy crowd, you know, because I was used to think, like I need to dress down in order to do comedy, but you showed me that, No, give them the cocktail waitress fantasy.

What is dressing so hard? What is dressing down in drag? Because you perform in looks. So you're saying you were wearing like Ivy Park on stage?

What exactly like I n C from J C Penny, you know, like just the yeah, it's all we have the same model, you know, it's all inside hashtag tucked away. So but when I when I see something like on the street, like for example, one of my big outfit inspirations came from when I found this giant round frame on the street, like and it was an all gold frame and I was like, oh my God, that looks like a halo. I'm going to design a Virgin Mary

First of all, Faberge egg wealth.

Second, my designer, Sidney, we got to get to the level where we can say, well, I gave that to my designer, and you know, now I have this Florida Natural's Orange Juice Week.

You know what I mean? Like I feel like I mean, I mean no, I mean, Marie, I feel like it's coming in my body, in my soul, in my uterus. I feel that it's coming, and I'm not worried. And especially since Miss Cracker is on the call, Miss Crackers here to let us know that we're we'll be a part of that one day at least assistant. We can have an assistant.

Oh yeah, I'm for sure.

Absolutely you might have a court ordered one.

Thank you so much, Thank you for your support at this trying time right now, So you're not You're not in.

The work room slaving over a hot sewing machine.

I mean I do that sometimes still, especially because now I'm what broke from the pandemic. I will, I will make a thing or two, but my skills aren't up there. Like I can make you a fierce speedo, you know what I mean, Like I can, I can whip that out and stone her to death. But I can't make myself a giant egg costume, you know. So like I have to depend on my designers for certain things I don't have the skills for. Like, but there there's one thing I am an expert in. It is believing in

I mean, I don't know if it's just the cist gender white male. I feel like my dad would get a bill for something and be like, oh, well, now I'm a plumber.

I will fix all the pipes. It's also a.

Cheap Caribbean man. I think if you believe in it, you can achieve it.

Well, that that's my whole thing with drag queens. It's like, not only do you have the confidence of a man, but you also have the like that extra layer of confidence of being a woman or a dressing sexy woman, addressing up as a woman like an over exaggerated woman in the like the drama and it's it's put on times ten. And I think if I had not only the confidence of a Cis straight man, but the confidence of a drag queen, I could pull off way more things.

Do more, that's right, and that's what the like. My hope for me is that when we're doing this, something

Know, empowered, empowered and empowered for sure.

Yeah.

And that's why it's like sometimes titles suck because we put that, we put that on them. It's like drag queen, Like maybe maybe if you think about it like drag, like are you dragging queens? Maybe? I don't know's it's hard to understand what exactly is it. We know that you're dressing up and you're putting on a performance, but it's more than that. It's like almost like a lifestyle choice too.

That's true.

I think that I like, I enjoy the theatrics of it, the drama of it. It's so extra and over the top. And the things that you like lip sync to are things that because like I feel like drag Queen's put their like audio together, right, you like chop and screw it yourselves or you decide I'm going to cut it here. You guys were doing reels and tiktoks before they were a thing, Like that's.

What drag was.

I feel like, you're doing the dancing, you were saying the the things. But anytime I go to a drag show, I feel bad that I can't do a flip in heels anything.

I feel bad that I can't do any of it. I like, not only are you singing dancing, You're you're putting on your doing jokes. You're you're putting money in your bra yeah, and you're tucking your dick. I mean, I mean, you're tucking your whole dick at all while you're doing It's a lot. It's a lot.

I always thought if I if I if I wrote a book, it would be called I Can't Peetel Tomorrow, because.

Yes, yeah, you know what I mean.

It's just like Caitlyn and I did. Caitlyn and my co pilot in life, we did this experiment where like she waited outside the bathroom and I stood in the bathtub like tucked, and I was like, let's find what happens if I like peed myself while I'm tugged. You know what I mean? And I'm just just like, oh my god, like I just my back was wet, and that.

Said your back of hope. So when you took it, took all the way off, it was all the way around.

Oh wait wait wait, wait, hold on wait.

You peed on yourself took.

Yeah. I was just like, let's see what happens if it did happen, what would happen, Just so I could get it out of my mind, you know what I mean, because I'm always afraid of peeing myself on stage because I'm thirty seven years old, my little bit.

All that time, you look thirty seven, you look fucking fantastic. This is a Jewish thirty seven. Yeah, never see it. Never seen it in my never seen it in my entire life, marvelous, miss Masel. How old has that been, so, miss Nasl?

Thirty seven?

Yeah? How old is she? They said she was what twenty five? Lies?

That's a Hollywood age, you know.

Yeah, this is a cool thing to exact demono, absolutely, girl, forty pushing forty stop.

It And I'm still dewey as a decimal. You know.

Wait, miss Cracker, do you drink? You don't drink?

Right?

I quit drinking for like seven years. But then in La pandemic, I did have a couple of bottles of wine.

How did that go?

Terrible? I feel like I aged like six years just because of drinking the pandemic. So I have stopped again again, and yeah, I'm like, I'm like, let's get back together. We're trying to get that pre pandemic body back together. You know, I'm trying to look like a skeleton again, which is gay for goals.

You know, content gaunt, you want to be cutting gaunt, got it exactly, skill.

I think everybody is beautiful, you know. But what I want for myself is I want people to ask if I'm okay.

You know.

That's so your vision board is Kate Moss.

That's exactly just a little Callista Flockhart moment.

Okay, Mary Kay Mary Kay, Nashley.

I got.

Yeah. You know, like the chic chic and erexia, you know, chic, she's sheep god horrible. Body positivity, body positivity.

Body positivity girl. The body is here.

So what were we saying?

We're saying something about something.

Listen, we don't have that. We'll we'll we'll come back to that. Let's hold these wigs that you be putting on because they're so big. But there'll be like eight weeks in one wig. So talk to us about how that? How do I get mine to sit up like that?

Yeah? And how much is it? Because it seems like you have a really good wig budget over there right right?

Well here's the secret. I'm still Jewish. So I do get a boggin on my wigs. I get my wigs im wigs for twenty five dollars each. They're each twenty five dollars. But I just beat them into looking beautiful? Do you know what I mean?

I wow?

Like how so I always say this that like a wig is like a person. You know, when you go through struggles in your life that adds to your beauty and your complexity.

Come on, storyline, let's go, you know what I mean?

And so when a wig arrives in the bag, she's not beautiful yet, she's not ready. You need to put her through suffering. So you just take a comb and you like rag every piece of hair up until it's all a big cloud of mess, and then you just smooth over the very top layer with a comb so that it looks like it's all organized. And that is a wig that is how a wig works, and that's how we are, Like we're all messed up inside and then we have this nice smooth surface and we present

But but wait, how do you that? That's my thing? It's like, how do you maintain that? Does that week stay that way? Or is it?

Like?

Op? Like how long can you keep one of these beat it wigs?

So what I do is I first of all, I use heavy hair spray, and then I use as basically like an airborne yeah, gorilla glue, like basically airborne cement, and you can wear them for like two to three shows, but then they do come apart, so you got to start all over again. But they can last for a little bit. You wash the lace, you take care of them, and then the style dies and you just comb it out and stiff over.

So wash.

Yeah. I love. I love making wigs.

How do you come by them? First of all?

You love making wigs? Have never made a wig for anybody on there?

Yeah? What's up with that? Shocking?

You know?

I love that?

I'm ready. Oh if I could put you in an official miss wig, I would love that for both of you, especially if I gave you you two like matching wigs to go up on stage with that would be one curl to the right and then one that has a curl to the left. Just just everything.

That's what we want, Sidney and I. You know, we're outside again and we're back to starting to do shows, and sometimes people book us together because they're like, who are those two hot black girls the ones that are mean? Yes, then they're hilariously, Oh my god, that's what we want the next time that Sydney and I get on stage together. I want to have an official miss wig. I want, you know, I want to look like Judy Jetson or something. I wanted to be stuck an asymmetrical That's.

What I want. Yeah right, oh black Jetson's I think is your vibe both of you just retro futurism. Yes, such, I love it. Yeah, So I would love to do that. Okay, So I love to do that.

So can people who don't really have any money do drag because it sounds like you gotta have a lot of like spare change lying around to buy things and build things.

Mm hmmm hmm.

You can absolutely do drag with no money because I did it for years and I'm doing it again. It's just like all you need is one nice way. You can style her in a bunch of different ways. You can use dime store makeup and make it look good if you know what you're doing. And if you head on down to Rainbow, you can get yourself a little twenty five dollars like cocktail dress and you're ready. You're ready, get those get those Rainbow pumps.

You know Sydney Sidney used to be a spokesperson for Rainbow back in the day.

Yeah. Yeah, it never looked like put together, like y'all shit like you you look like couture designer. Like I could never see you, know how. Sometimes you could see people like on the train and you're like, oh, that's Rainbow, like I have that, I have that piece. I've never seen your stuff and was like, oh, yeah, that's le Ramo.

Yeah. I always thought there should be a musical called for color girls who considered Conway when Rainbow wasn't enough, you know what I mean? Like, yeah, but yeah, I think that you just you just add a little something to it. You add a little your stone here, your stone it there, and you know you get away with it. Yeah, but like if you want to do I always think you were saying that drag is doing too much, and

Okay, well, yeah, I was watching Drag Race UK and one of the queen's showed up in an H and M dress. Yes, she pulled up in the H and M and RuPaul was like, I don't want to see that.

On my runway. You wait, I was a little fuck that thing. Huh.

She showed up in H M like they were like what what you got?

What you wear it?

But wait, hold on, hold on what like what?

Like?

It was just straight off the rack, like manress, No, what happened? What was she going through? Because sometimes you just can't pull it together? Sis, So I just want to know what was there? Death in the family. Girl, I don't know.

But I didn't even know they had H and M in Europe.

I was shocked. Well, I think that's where h and M originated baby.

I don't know what she was going through? Was the clearance rack?

No, no way, has has that ever happened? Cracker? Has that ever happened that you like was going through it and you just feel like you couldn't you couldn't put it together like you usually do.

Oh?

Absolutely.

Do you have a specific situation?

Yeah? Yeah, I have this black turtleneck dress that I wear when I'm done. Do you know what I mean? It's just it's just it's a very long turtle neck and it's shiny, and I made it myself out of four way stretch Spandex. And when I am when I am done for the week, I'm like, this is what's going on. I just slip around zippra up and they get what they get and they don't get upset that day, you know what I mean? That's that's my sign. We call it my drag t shirt because it's like it's it,

Could you do you think you could ever like coach us into doing drag? I actually think I actually think there Marie. I think Marie could do it. Like when it comes to the wigs, the extra eyeliner I like the clothes. The choice of clothes is so fun and it has tons of personality. I will show up in like jean shorts and a regular tank.

Yeah, Sidney's sitting with the jewels and diamonds and studs all over her face.

So yes, I'll do the I'll do the Ryan Stones on the baby hairs, I'll do that.

Yes, yes, I think you are one. Yeah, I think your one te is away from being drag queens. Like I think if you if you had a big Caitlin's nodding her head, like, if you had a a big fluffy wig, and we win all dream Girls on you, then I think that you would be You could be drag queens and you would kill too.

All.

All you have to do is like extend that cat I wing a little bit farther, sablam drag, and I think you would kill the the drag scene. As as what do we call them now? It's female queens.

Mmmm hmmm.

I mean, you know, every time I do my cat eye, I do try to make queens a little bit longer.

Cis queensis queens. Yea queens, cis queens. I like that. I'll take it, sist queen. But I think somebody, I think somebody would white call me a sis queen and I'll be like, no, thank you. I'm all sad. A white woman will try to call me a sis queen and I'll say no, it's canceled, like cis C I S not s I S. Okay. I'm just making sure you know you know I'm confused. Yeah already, I'm like, Okay, that's not PC at all.

I don't know you, bitch, Okay, without saying names if you don't want to names, if you want to be messy and keep our pot interesting. What's the worst drag queen? Like the worst type or the worst you've seen, or like the thing that made you go like what tell us?

Tell us, miss Oh, what's the worst kind of drag queen?

Oh?

It's such a tough question because there's so many to choose from.

Okay, but just get specific, specifically tell us like if you were a judge on like a drag queen show, if you were Rue Paul, what kind of drag that you're just like, no, we don't need to see this right, absolutely not.

Get out of my house, Yeah, get out of my Caucasian pation house.

Yeah, I mean I think if you're not making fun of beauty, and you're not making fun fashion, and you're not making fun of pop, like, it's just not for me. If you're not making fun of the way the world is, I just if you're serious about it, that's what I can't I can't get into you know what I mean. I need people that are mocking everything, because that's what

That's the that's the clip right there. What you just said like not making fun and just like taking it too serious. And I think that's how it is with comedy in general, just like you know the comedians that you feel like, Okay, are you preaching? Is this like a ted talk? Like what's really good? Are you having fun? Like what's what's there? Are the jokes? Beach?

Yeah, I mean I'm down. I'm down for a little Nanette every once in a while, you know what I mean.

Nanette.

I don't know.

I tried to watch that recently and I was like, hmmm, it wasn't for you. Bib was not for me. It's not for you.

I said, this is winning comedy Awards interesting because I'm doing comedy wrong.

Yes, now, now this is gonna be a this is gonna be an extra question. This is gonna be one of those questions that you're like, Okay, this might be too much, but like how much can you make as a drag queen? Like a range you know, like what's the lowest amount and then what's like the highest amount.

I think the lowest is drink tickets. You get a twenty dollars drink or a bar tab, right, that.

Is exactly correct. You could get exposure, that's what you could get.

Oh my god.

Yeah, that's the low you could get.

His exposure loosure that raggedy beach.

They have to stop with the exposure thing. I mean maybe when you're just starting, but just to think about how much it costs to be in this field, Yeah, that's not gonna be enough, honey. Like, just the lowest you'll spend is like one hundred dollars on your look, right, but in the time.

The time you got to put into it, you're also you're you're spending time.

Yeah yeah, oh my god. Yeah, So like at least pay for my uber to get there. That's what I want, you know. But uh so that's the lowest you can get, is like exposure, and then the highest you can get I think is well, I mean, like, uh, are we counting RuPaul, Like are we counting Trixie Mattel who gets like who has millions of dollars and recently bottom hotel.

Excuse me and the bar and come again and the house tricksy and a house for his self and a house for her mother.

You're lying, sucking house for herself?

She buying the houses in Detroit? Are the homes in Detroit?

They got wheels and handmade custom houses in Burbank, California. Just like that's that's money And I'm not like it like exposing her business or anything. She very proudly gives tours of all these things, and it is like, this is what I have. Like do you ever lay up wondering why you're not rich and famous? I don't because I am.

You know, so.

How much do it? Because is it is tricksy?

As an example, the bulk of their money coming from the work that they're booking, because they do a lot of like hosting and like panel things and things like that. Or is the money coming from drag Like is she saying that I need I don't know, my fee to do this show is one hundred thousand dollars or something like that or whatever.

I mean high fees. She has a makeup line, she has successful YouTube series, she has you know, successful wow series. It's like I think that she's just like at this point, like trying to keep the money from coming in at all parts of the house.

You know what I mean?

And I have I'm famous for like raking in bazillions of dollars and just blowing it all immediately. That is what do we know?

What are we spending the money on?

Baby?

Yeah? Tell us give it us, give us the.

Remember those designers I mentioned, I just like I I'm just the middleman for like that money. I'm like, people pay me, I give it right to my designers and like.

Make this blah blah blah blah.

But why don't they just learning Why.

Don't they just give it to you for free? Or like why? I like, you know, that's the question.

I told them exposure, but for some reason they weren't interested.

What's the most expensive look of yours? Yeah, because we can scroll right through the instagram right now, tell us everything.

The most expensive look that I own, I think is seven thousand dollars. Oh and it is the finale dress that I wore for season ten of RuPaul's Drag Race. And it was like this morning Victorian morning gown.

Can you send us a picture so we can post on the on the unofficial expert page.

Absolutely and it was like I wanted to do like this BDSM Victorian morning gown, so it's like a morning gown, but it was made all of like leather and yeah.

Okay, you're sniffing like Nicki Minaj on the on Insulife everything everything. Okay, babe, you got sinuses?

Yeah, I said, where'd that money go? Okay, so here we go. I'm sending it to you right now, all right. And it was just like so much money and I The one that gagged me the most though, was this leotard that I got that.

Oh my god, mss cracker crack hair. Oh I want to wear this to a funeral. Let's go.

Oh wow, seven thousand dollars?

Is it real? Leather?

Is that why?

That's rare? I girl, it was, She's all real. And then this one, my finale gown for All Stars five, was roughly the same. I love that I'm putting my financial business out there.

No we know, no, no, yeah, because because I think people don't understand how much money goes into to, you know, doing.

Doing drag, Like yeah, so I feel you guys.

I got a small business loan. Did you get a PPP?

You definitely should have got a ppp.

Oh absolutely. I saw the word forgivable and I was like, I hope all is forgiven because here it goes, you know, just like.

What's your LLC Cracker Inc.

Cracker Miss Cracker Incorporated. Yeah, Miss Cracker LLC.

Yeah, I love that. I love that.

Yeah, well I don't.

I don't have I don't have seven thousand dollars to spend on an outfit, and not.

For an off it to wear one time that one time a million people are going to see because that means I can't wear it.

Again ever again.

Oh wow.

Oh yeah, it just sits in the house. And like what it turns out is I don't have seven thousand dollars to spend on an outfit either, So I'm just like I for All Stars, I spend all that money. You can imagine. There was like what what like fourteen different runways and uh, they all costs so much. And then I was like, it's okay, I'll pay with I'll pay for all that with tour. And then there was no tour because of the pandemic, and now she is spread my darling, Well.

Now you don't have any money to buy food, so you're gonna be a skeleton. This pink outfit is amazing.

I mean, mss, do we need to start a GoFundMe or like doing a little Venmo setup like what's the's what's really good? Cause you know, ass not receive, not asknot whatever. How do the people support you, babe? Like are you doing zooms? Like where are you gonna get back out there? Like where can the people go to give you all their coins?

People can give me their coins by buying tickets to my American tour okay called She's a Woman. If you are listening in the Europe and the UK's and such as, can support me by going to my club kids tour, Miss Cracker's Comedy fun House and such as. But I took us to my shows and come to see me when things open up again. That's what I really need. And listen to my podcast She's a Woman podcast, which both of you ladies have been on.

Okay, here's my question. All these things that you're saying are nice? Are there men paying for things? Is there a sugar daddy?

Is there?

Is there a lover?

Is there like a super fan that you banged that sends you money? Talk to us about the love life of what gets crack a wit.

What's happening over there? Friend?

First of all, I'll say, no, one's paying for me. All the text messages that I get show up green. So no, No, she's an independent business woman. Yeah she's she's an independent woman. Everything has to I need to get a sugar daddy. I have thought about it many a time, like just you know, you'll see a guy at a bar who's tipping in hundreds and you're like, what would that life path be? Like you you know what I mean? Or like, this is my friend, he's a doctor. I'm like, doctor mom would be so happy.

But that is not that, miss cracker. So when you see somebody slipping und you see somebody tipping hundred dollars at the bar, how do you place yourself strategic strategically so they can see you or like touch your booty, like how are you just watching? Or you approach it?

Well, I get ahead of the game. At the beginning of the show, I say, if you give me over twenty dollars in tips, I will sit on your lap, that's all. And then then you know, well that's.

That's too low. That's that's too low. With seven thousand dollars outfit. That's too low, honey, we need Benjamin's all about the Benjamin.

The bidding at one thousand dollars.

Agreed, agreed, agreed.

I just feel the ahead of my mom's purse, Like because I gave it to you doesn't mean I haven't.

My mom doesn't have a pocket purse. She puts everything in her tits. Your mom has big boobs, large boobs. Your mom has big boobs, very big boobs. Oh wow, I don't know how I missed it.

Ramona's titties. Well, that's the name of Sydney's memoirs, that Sydney's one woman's show. Okay, so there are no men, like, okay, so you perform people, You're sitting on people's laps, people are into you. What's what's the what's the going home after a show situation? Or do you have to go home alone because.

You got to take everything off? You're not going home with people after.

I know, I walk home and drag and for a while. That's like how I got all of my attention. Like I would just walk home and like nine times out of ten someone would follow me back to the apartment. I'd be like, it is so disgusting that I'm going to sleep with this person, you know what I mean? And then but since I met Caitlin, she's gotten me on much better behavior. And now I respect myself and love my drag. And this cracker is a professional, you.

Know, always always yes, allegedly.

It's so hard. It's so hard to be professional. You're not alone.

The last time someone asked me, like made a like proposition at me while I was on my way home, I was like, no, I have lipstick on. And that's the attitude that you have to have, like, no, we are not messing up this face for that body.

You know what I mean that I love that we're not messing up this face for that body. That's merch. That's merch.

Yeah, exactly.

Put that on the pod. I need somebody to mix that up real quick, and so we'll have it on a te public and by next week, what's the.

Worst show that you ever had? Like, did you fall? Did you did you forget where you were? Did your dress rip? What's the moment where you were like I gotta go back to school and get my master's degree.

What happened?

I remember it? It's like it comes up in my mind anytimes someone asked this immediately. So when I was first like getting big in New York City, I got hired to do a show at a place called Therapy, and oh.

I remember, didn't we do that show?

We did that show that show. So the very first show, I was like, I'm gonna go all out. I'm gonna wear this huge, like four foot long ponytail and these brand new shoes. And I got there and I realized I didn't have my music for the first number, so I just told the DJ the name of the song, and I was like, just play that through YouTube. It'll

No, ma'am, No, that's now.

Now.

What was the mushroom cut doing underneath? When you when the wig came out, what was the hair doing underneath? Oh?

She had this like bald cap on with just like with like a ring of duct tape. I was looking like a fucking robot. And I just, uh, it looks like someone shrunk my head because I'm all padded out down here and I have this tiny little pinhead. And it was so bad that this drag queen, this hateful drag queen Boots de la Feris like she walked right up to the stage, smiled and gave me a goddamn dollar as I was standing there bald as the day I was born, just and I finished that show somehow,

Did you pick the wig up and down and wave it.

Oh you gotta, because the worst thing is when the audience is uncomfortable or they think you don't know something. So as long as you show them that you know what's going on, you're okay.

You know what that moment reminds me of I feel I see you reliving it in your brain. That scene in Sex in the City with Carrie Bradshaw. It's like, yeah, put me on the tallest shoes. I love heels. I wear heels, and she is like roadkill on the runway, And like, I think Heidi Clume on the runway. Yeah, I think Hei Clume gives her a dollar.

I don't know that's over her. Yeah, it's it's triggering for me just hearing that didn't happen to me, but somehow it feels like it happened to me. Yeah. Oh lord, yikes.

Is there anything that you feel like we people listening need to know about drag or need to know about you, or need to know about rue, whatever it is.

This is a safe space.

What I want everyone to know about drag is that you can do it. Anybody can. It's like being an uber driver. You know everyone can. Not everyone should you know. It's like, uh, because I in my history I have put like straight male fathers in drag and let them live their lives. Like, uh, there's this dude that I know from the Bronx. He's a black guy, he's a father, he's he's like a manager at Macy's. And one day he was just like, listen, I want to give it

You both look like dad's you look like Dad's I think that's the highest highest compliment, highest compliment. You both look like dad.

That's a compliment for me, babe. Which one is the dad because that's the person who I'm talk to tonight.

Yeah, that's that's that's I'm actually looking for my father.

So this.

This hits home for me.

A mess anyway, Miss Elizabeth Cracker, this was fantastic. I think that we got to wrap it up because other people have other things that they're booked on and they gotta go yes, yes, yes, but oh but don't forget that. I I made sure that I got here early so that we can have enough of solid time, solid solid what a gorgeous time.

Yeah, solid time for it for ads? Enough time for ads? Yeah? Interesting? Yeah, I mean, honey, we it's a full on hour and you know, I'm so sorry. Yeah, well we'll come back. We'll come back for ads. How about that? That sounds actually like coming back for ads. Let's do that.

Thank you guys so much for having me.

Yeah, tell people one more time where they can find you or where they can stalk you, where they can you know, bring you weird bags of babies for you to wear.

Yeah, or just better you know, if you're gonna give you know, miss Crackers some gifts, let's make it make account. Maybe like a gift card to get some some wigs, a gift card to get some clothes, or just like a gift card for money, just just anything, you know, just yeah, visa gift card always works. They take that everyone.

I mean, you find me on m I Z Underscore Cracker on Instagram and Venmo okay.

Okay, venom fan.

My Oh and wait on Patreon Oh yes, okay you if you, if you, if one person joins today, you will double my patrons on.

Patre What wait? What can they find on your Patreon though? Because that's they really want to know, because we we spilled too much TA on ours and it's it's gotten some of us in trouble. But like, what are you doing for the for the community?

I answer fan advice questions in videos in like three three to six minute videos, and I show you backstage and behind the scenes on almost everything I do. Plus little uh something I called a garment gab where I talked to you about how I designed and created every outfit in my collection. And it's constantly creating new stuff.

So okay, I love this for us that that feels very professional.

Yours is not professional, not at all, not at all.

I'm about to go see who you were hitting on and who is hitting on you. I'm about to sign up for your Patreon.

No, just go to the honestly, just go to my Instagram. You'll see his face, his face, and then you'll see my face.

That raggedy ass home.

Anyway, I think we gotta wrap here, but I'm so glad that you were able to come on this podcast with us and be our first guest in seventeen years.

Oh my god, it was it was the reset that we needed. And I mean people have big shoes or small shoes. To Phil, Cracker was a size seven. Yeah. Oh, you fucking little foot bitch. I hate you. I'm damn nar I'm damn near at ten. I'm the size of a boat. What's wrong with you? Ay? I'm so jelly. Wait show me your feet? Can you do that before we sign off? Cutie pie, Oh you must always get the shoes you got. You always get the shoes. They always have your fucking size. Okay, Well, good for you.

That's why the store. All right, Cracker, you and your tiny feet. Anyway, thank you, guys, we love you, we like you as a friend.

Bye bye.

This has been a Forever Dog production. The Unofficial Expert is executive produced by Brett Boham, Joe Cilio, and Alex Ramsey. Senior producer Tracy Soren, Produced by Andrew MacGuire. Cover art by Sandy Hoenig. To listen to this podcast ad free, sign up for Foreverdog Plus at Foreverdogpodcasts dot com slash plus.