"The Bitch Expert" with Janet Hyde

Hey, sending what's up.

It's Marie and it's Sydney. Welcome to the Unofficial Expert podcast.

Bought you by Comedy Hype ma FN Comedy Hype.

Yes, you can get all your comedy news there, so go to www dot Comedy hype dot com.

Phil you said too many ws anyway, very happy?

Yeah, tell me a lot wwww do it like an old person. No one says www. You just say comedy hype dot com. Really, Facebook dot com like, I know what type? Aw it's https, slash slash no, no, semi colon, semi colon.

I'm done with you. Actually you know what that was. And that was a whole podcast.

So you are listening to this week's episode, Today's the Indiffdual Expert of sounding old about Internet retarded. Yes, make sure you go to Comedy Hype listen to the podcast.

There or iTunes. I mean, if you're listening to this right now, I'm hoping you're listening to it on iTunes.

Damn, Marie, I'm just saying, like we need those clicks. True, We'll go to comedy do both. Get you a girl who could do both? So anyway, we're having a great time. The summer is thriving. Where you getting abs so hot? Oh yes, I am getting your abs are fucking shutting it down. I mean I don't even need to work out. All I know is whenever I'm next to you, I feel like I have at least two apps. I don't know, dude, I feel like you need to work out a little bit,

Post this because of you and your self esteem issues. It's a self esteem issue. It's my wait.

First of all, that's not true. I'll be like, post it because my face is good. But I'll be like, oh, man, I wish I would have had like a crop top, but like not the I just I wish I would have had it like some under. All those times that we've been hanging out at the pool and I've been showing my butt on Instagram, You'll be like, oh, I feel like I look fat, I look like a whale here or something, and I'm like, but look at my butt and you'll be like, yeah, can't post that.

And then if I crap, you was gonna look weird because people know. That's why I be on you.

So you can't crop put my hand like right, you just put her boob on my arm.

I put my hand literally all on your hand.

And I don't even need an arm. Okay, I'll scoop it out, weird, I'll cut it. I'll I'm done with you around your I'm done, Marie, What the hell are you an expert in this week?

Speaking of being all over my body?

Uh? This week, I was an expert at accidentally attracting a lesbian accidental accidentally. You have your habs all out you're talking about you know people want you this and that.

I mean you throwing your ass back.

I mean I was not throw my ass back my ass state where it was, but my my stomach. I think that people don't understand that, Like even if you have a flat stomach, you still got to suck it in a little bit.

Like remember I told you the second the other.

Day and you were like and I was like yo, I was like being friends with you, but the picture looked better.

I'm just wearing that hot jeeb. Let me wear job. I don't know how jeep.

I'm just gonna get a her job and just fuck it. I'm not gonna just have a little window to the Yes, that's it. My eyes are cute. I'm good, little windshield wiper. Shut up, talk about your gainings. So I was, uh, we were out and this girl was like, I have a question for you.

Will you go on a date with me? And I was like who he's talking to?

You're talking to me or you're talking to the lesbian because I was with Sydney and she was like, I'm talking to you.

She wasn't talking to me. I already shout it out, my girl, twelve times.

I shout it out. I was talking about penis. I feel like that don't matter. Lesbians can break that wall down. Yeah, break all them walls down. Ah No. But I was like, who are you talking to? Like, I was like, that's not how Marie said it. She was like that's not how I said who There were witnesses, they were legit, like sixty people. I was because everybody in the room was like oh.

And I was like who are you talking to?

And she was like you And then she was like, I'll get you an uber home and I was like, ah.

Wow, from where?

And she said Brooklyn and I was like, yeah, what part of Brooklyn because you're not going to have me in East New York or Brownsville. I'm not gay and I'm not that hungry, So like, pick like a place that I would actually like to be and she was like Crown Heights and I was like that's cute.

Yeah, see me after the show. And then she didn't speak to.

Me after the show because she knew. She knew, she knew that was play fucking games. She knows you're an entrees and please listen. Also, she knew that I was straight. Like, as somebody who's attracted to women, did you ever feel like you wanted to turn somebody out like you knew they weren't gay or into women, but you were like, I can take this down, girl.

I'm no.

I never had the confidence to be like, yeah, you want this work, Like come on, no, that's not happening, Like I don't even I feel like even though I've been a lesbian four years now, I still feel like I'm like practicing. You still feel like this is like a a trial run like college, but you're not in college.

Oh bitch, are you saying I'm a predator? Fuck? No, you see how defensive you are. That means you've done that.

I mean, I got a couple of limon drop shots for a hope before I put sugar.

On the rim and everything you want to do body shots, Carol.

I mean, I've never kissed any of my friends, even though like my friends are pretty.

I was like, you're pretty for a friend.

Like you do have all pretty You're pretty for a friend, Like, I'm not trying to kiss any of my friends. Me and Sydney accident accidentally touched hands once and.

Was trying to wait what you were saying. I was like, where's this? God?

Our knuckles brushed against each other and we didn't speak for a week.

People were like, how's you gonna say? I was like, who who? I think I think I held your hand once.

I think I think I was on Molly though, yes you I hugged you know, but I think we held hands to get like through the crowd.

Yeah we did. You were like, I'm gonna lose her if she doesn't.

Well, the whole time, you were like, I don't want you were fighting the molly because you were like I don't want Sydney to touch me.

That's what it was.

You wanted me there to protect you from men. But you were also like, who's going to protect me from Sydney?

My God protected me from you.

Whatever, Marie Sidney, what were you an expert in this week? I'm an expert in running my damn mouth way too much. I've been getting in a lot of trouble because of the podcast, and I'm working on holding back. You're getting each other because of what you say on the podcast. Are you just gonna say that on the podcast? Yeah, I'm here to say this is a public apology. I am sorry. Sorry two thousand, I am sorry.

Anything that I've said, shut up that offended. Like a close friend of if you're a stranger and I don't.

Know you whatever, but if I if I know you, if we broke bread before, if I slept on your couch, I apologize. You know, Siddy, I just want to tell you it's too Yeah, I'm giving up public apology. I'll be talking about people's baby showers and everything, like, you know, I had a friend I was talking about baby showers and I was like, if you don't. I went to a baby shower and somebody was serving Filet mignon there, and I said, listen, if you don't have Filet mignon

Mignon at a baby shower. I was like, but you can.

Afford a baby, okay, because that's actually more expensive misteak exactly.

So she was upset about that, and I haven't been invited to anything since. So so did she have a baby or now, yes, she had the baby. Oh it's fine.

The shower was wag. I'm gonna watch what I say. I need to be nicer to the people that I actually know. So what that means is I will absorb all the evilness from Sydney. I will. I will you notes through the podcast so that you can say everything that I want to say.

Sydney. I will absorb your evilness. Just don't touch me. That's it. That's all that I ask from you.

Don't see ill ill she just put her feet on me, and now I'm probably gonna lose my foot.

Speaking of evil, well, that was a solid se. Speaking of evil.

Speaking of evil doers villains Ja'afar and Scar. I'm gonna throw Ursula in there too, because she was bad. Our guest today is a comedian. Yes, and we've done. She's got a great show comedian, female comedian with tits?

Female? No is it called female comedian nothing? Which is comedians with tits? Because you have guys on the show.

We do, but we're the hosts are female comedians a.

Female comedians with so like, both of y'all are not flat chess.

Is that what you're trying to say.

No, it's it's just like it's redundant and silly. I hate the term female a lot.

Hold, we didn't even introduce you questions, Sidney, Just do it, Just do it, Sydney.

Just Our next guest is a comedian. She has a show called Female Comedians with Tits. She is our bitch expert beach. Give it up for Janet Head Ganet Hide, Hi, Janet, Hi, Hello, thanks for having me high Hide, Janet, I feel like you're too nice to be.

Right well right now true, she's nice, but I've seen her in action and I'm like, dang, I'm Janet. He was ready to Janet? Can you walk with what? When? Did you see her in action? Anytime there's a man in the room, she's ready to go off.

Sydney and I used to be at a lot of daytime open mics together, where's a lot of ugliness and a lot of dumb men saying dumb shit, and so it's my responsibility to shut that down.

Well, and I can.

Janet is assertive, she speaks her mind. She's not afraid, and I love that about you, but it comes off across to people who are penises as a bitch.

True.

I hear from a lot of guy comics that I'm friends with. If I'm like, they'll say that other guys are afraid of me.

Are these other guys? Are these other guys comedians? Yeah, so it don't matter.

Civilians. I think it's not just comics.

But it's always been such a strange thing for me to hear because I think I'm a nice person, but I definitely have a pretty low bullshit tolerance and I'm very blunt and I'm very straightforwards.

Let's let's go through some things that you feel like you won't tolerate A man, somebody sitting on your bed in their street clothes.

Will you tolerate that?

Or no, above the covers, on the very edge of the bed, in a transition face, while you're taking your shoes off or something.

Sure, see, I'm not tolerating.

But that's not I don't even want you to come into my room with your street clothes.

I'm there. Take your clothes off at the door with your shoes.

Well I will, Marie, my gay ass will show this body.

Girl. I'm all set. Okay, that's not.

That's not one of my particular rules. Okay, And I don't understand that.

What about like you go on a date with a guy and he's like, whoops, forgot my wallet, which I have already eaten.

Tolerate that?

I would, I mean, there's nothing you can do about it, so I would deal with the situation. But I mean, I'm, you know, not hey, but I would definitely I would call him out.

Janet I would be like, well, that's crazy because I didn't bring minds either.

I've said that. I that's Janet.

I would feel too bad for the waitress I'm not gonna like true true, or you could be like I would like I would pay, I would pay for it while completely belittling him, and then never see.

Me real loud? Would you like real lad? So everybody could hear. It would depend on the situation, but maybe well let me hear.

Would you say, Oh, I mean I would just like get quiet and mean and be like are you serious right now? Like I don't have like a particular script, but it just I don't know, I feel like I have.

One time I was on a date with a guy.

It was like a fourth date or something, and we had already been out a few times, like you know, all day fun. It was great, it was a kiss, Yeah, we had already kissed, like it felt like it was maybe going somewhere, and it was like our fourth date, and he was just in a really shitty mood. Like he was just like I don't know what his day had, like he'd had a hard day, like and he like his foot was hurting and like he got like a parking take something like just a lot of dumb shit.

And I was like, fuck this, this is ridiculous. What are he saying?

He sort of apologized and like acknowledged, like you're right, I just you know, I didn't want to cancel, but and it.

Was just, no, he didn't want to cancel because he was being nice, or he didn't want to cancel because he wanted to see you, or he didn't want to cancel because he thought it data before I'm gonna get some ass to me.

It was unclear.

I mean, it was like a very I mean, there's there's a whole other whatever.

Was this a comedian? No, this is not a comedian.

This is I was like, worried that you got that far with a comedian.

Four dates, four dates? I was like, yeah, we had to go on dates.

Is that they would have hung out? The seller like, yeah, this is a date. We got some wings I bought will I had a comedian take me to get burgers once. Actually, I have a comedian that feeds me pretty regularly. But I don't call those dates. We just be hanging out, you know what I'm talking about.

Yeah, well he's taking me out too exactly. And he's taking my sister rout. We went to brunch together. I need to he just likes to eat meat. More of these people. Okay, but who's this comedian who you had a burger with? Oh? You know the one who pulled this dick out in my house?

Wow?

Remember that he got your burger?

Like, pulled this dick out, like you know how hard needs to get money to make up shan pay for a burger for you, Janney. Let me let me back, let me back up a little bit. Tell you what happened. So, Uh, this comic and I had hung out a couple of times.

But like, I don't date comedians. And he came to my house to pick something up. It was real late. He was drunk and I was in my bathroom.

Fixing my hair because two hairs were out of place, and I was like sliding you behind my ear or whatever, greasing my scalp, and he was on the other side of the bathroom door, like, hey, can I come in to use the bathroom?

And I was like, yeah, yeah.

I'm like I'm not doing anything an here, I'm coming out and he's like, can I please come in? And I was like, yeah, you can come in, and he's like, can I please enter? Like the way he asked was like weird, And I was like, I swung the door open and he's standing on the other side of the door with his dick out but his pants were.

Still that's horrible. I would not have tolerant. I would have yelled at somebody about that.

What I don't understand. What could the possible outcome be, Like that's not a sexy somebody didn't fucked him. That means that move has worked before. Ye really it had to have, because.

Men do I feel like I would ask like I would the way I will handle that situation. I would be like, explained to me your actions, Like how could you possibly think that this is gonna be something I'd want? But one thing, if he was like all the way naked, like still not okay, but at least you're like, what was this varsity blue?

Exactly?

But like who I just feel like just like hanging out of his fly dick's look gross like they are They're not attractive to the eye, Like I.

Heard it was sturdy. Though I heard it was sturdy, wasn't terrible to look at.

I was like, I feel like even the good ones are still not great to look at. Like that's not what's attracted me to this situation that looks nice.

I saw.

It's been a while. She forgets she's glamorizing it in her mind. You've seen a pretty in.

Real life in a sexual situation, like.

Maybe you were at the gym maybe four years ago, okay, all right, exactly you remember in it like fondly, but they don't they don't look But I had one guy who was a model who had he was thick, and it was nice.

It wasn't bumpy and like.

The veins didn't look like it could talk. This being said, Were you just gonna take a minute? If you think you for a pretty dick, please tweet us DM dick pics, DM said Janet High, I've.

Gotten a dick peck. I don't think I think people know. Yeah, people either to them.

I don't know.

Wait, you scare guys where they don't even want to send you a dick pic.

They think it's going to shrivel up and fall off or something.

I don't even want to cancel on dates with you, Dannet. What are you doing? It's unclear. I don't know. Guys don't fuck with you at all.

I mean, I would have sex sometimes it's the craziest thing that a man has ever done to you and gotten away with or tried to get away.

No, let's do like bad behavior. Yeah. Uh have you ever like somebody ever cheat or what? You never had cheating that I know of? Uh?

Pretty recently I was starting to see a guy who wanted me to peg him.

Pig.

Wasn't a comedian, no, it was not.

I'm just trying to get to the bottom of the teeth.

That's what this is New York City. There are thirteen million people here just like you. I just want to make sure Janet is not making bad decisions.

I appreciate it. Janet, hold on, let's back up.

So peg him means strap on and like penetrate correct?

What borw was this man from Brooklyn?

Oh?

Wait, this is a new neighborhood Williamsburg.

No, so we had only been on a few dates, but we hooked up a few times. Yeah, I brought it up immediately, Like the first time we up, I asked tip, I'd ever done it before? And I was like, wait, yeah, take us there, take us there, I'm you and your him. Uh this is nice. So have you ever pegged before? It's like straight up, like.

It was like right out. It was like, I'm not smooth. It was not catual.

I think it is that a game game is pig and I mean I know what that was.

I was like, uh, not yet, but like maybe, but I don't know.

Not tonight, not tonight. Yeah you are a bitch, not tonight.

That's not That's a nice way to say no, right, And so then the next time we like that was our second.

Date, we went out again.

The second date the first time, the first time we ever like pooled around.

Then you really wanted you to stroke that prostates.

And then the next time we hung out again, like as soon as we started fooling around, He's like, so remember when I brought up. I'm like, yes, I remember again not tonight, like maybe, And so then I was just like, okay, am I gonna do this?

It seems like he really wants me to do this. J wear you down.

I was I trying to be open minded. I'm like, it's not something I've done.

It to do you like you don't have a leg strength for pay? You gotta have a minute. I'm not good more to pay.

I do not have, Sidney. Would you peg somebody if they asked you to peg them? No, Like I would peg a white man, Marie. But then obviously wouldn't be somebody that I want to be in a relationship with because I wouldn't be able to take you. I would like, like I strapped one for a white man and be like this for my obsess I feel like that's the right.

Approach, Marie. I don't see it. I mean you will. You would never see it, though, dude. We wouldn't be taking pictures or.

Maybe sleeping on the couch though, I'm like, what's going on in there. Okay, Jennet, So he's he brings it up again, but yeah, brought up twice.

You thinking I'm thinking about it.

I'm talking about it with everybody, like kind of hyping myself up, like whatever, try I'll try anything one sort of thing.

Yeah, how did you weigh the pros and cons of this? It was, first of all, he gotta buy one, he had one. No, no, I'm not pegging you with somebody else's strap strap on. I need a new strap one, the straps that you used to put it.

I need a new harness. I need a new harness. You're a new belt. Yeah, you need a new Venus belt. Yeah. Okay, so you weigh the pros and cause you say you'll try. But I was into him, like he's she was into it enough that she considered plugging his butt, right, But so anyway, I was like, it's a commitment, just letting you know, you know, I should know?

Yeah, you shouldn't you? Why are you acting like surprise bitch?

Like how but I like how horrified you were the idea? But but peggs people do I don't.

Technically pegging is a woman anally penetrating a man.

Never I mean, I've put a finger in a man's butt.

See, I've never done that. That's gross. You are an animal. Don't touch nothing to you.

Once he took a shower, I took a shower, right, I mean, that's fine.

Molly this time. Molly came up today. So wait, Jannet. Okay, So besides that, you do so you liked him? I liked him.

I was thinking about it and I was kind of like, whatever, can you give us a tiny.

Bit of background on him? Was he like a doctor? A lawyer?

In my mind, he was like a blue like a white collar.

No, he's like was he a real estate guy that goes to open He's.

Like a creative type, like a creative artist, yeah, or a musician Anthony.

I'm not gonna give any more personal too. He was I was his name Jake.

Now, I just want to kind of guess, have you guessed the types of names of guys? I won't go out anyway, So between like the third date and the fourth date, there was like a week and a half went by, and I was like, Okay, maybe you know, I'm gonna keep an open mind and like maybe you know, like googled some stuff.

Are you doing squats and stuff.

Were you No, I should have should have?

Did you google stuff with an incognito window?

You did?

I did use the INCA.

That might have been the first time I ever used the incact.

It's like, doesn't keep your history, it's a secret like way to search.

Marie you, how do you not know about the because I'm not afraid. Could she just be on the train googling. She's like, sir, how do you spell peg? Is it w w w w?

Okay?

So we go on the fourth date and I was in like not the best I was like, now I was in.

The bad mood.

Yeah it was fine, but I was like a little anxious whatever about the pegging?

But I'm among others. Yeah, so I was like not my about Yeah.

Well I was like just came straight from work and like so I was like not my best date self. I mean I was still charming as hell, but I was not my most charming Anyway. We go back to his place Walla Dicks and uh mean again we start falling around and he brings it up. He's like, you can say no, and I'm like, I know I can say no, but I'm open, Like I didn't seem like whatever, like right.

Also, also, I said no twice already and you've been like but remember.

So she said not tonight. She never said I hadn't given a herd no. But so I did it. We did that. It did not go well. It was like it was super awkward.

I didn't know what the hell I was doing. I know you did, of course, I can tell the way you probably planted your feet and you were like no. He was like did you did you sit? And he sat on top of them. There.

We tried a few different ways.

Wow, Janet, I learned something new about people went very well?

Yo, Okay, I was not. I was like pretty.

Uncomfortable and like, you know, I'm a confident woman, but.

Not to peg I thought.

I went.

I went in and then I was just.

Like, girl, you can't go in like it's a brunch, okay, you gotta go in like to your professional.

Exactly, like how do you practice? You have to take the day off work. You can't come straight from work to oh, how do you practice?

You go to a basement Jamaican party and you know how guys like do that dance behind a woman? That's what you should be doing behind a man, right, And that's what you learned.

Didn't go well, like if you guys couldn't get it in, or you couldn't get the strokes right, all of the above. But he'd done it before, right, But he was not like as good of a coach as I was hoping, who the fuck is coaching? Because he just wanted to be dominated, I guess, and I was not dominating ready for it.

He should have paid you for that, because that is that's not like he needs somebody who knows how to do.

This, should bring your male roommate or so, yeah, that sounds like, actually, so what do you do after pegging goes? We went to we like I slept over, No neither in the like what did I life looking? He's just looking at your cast, like she look how big how calves are? But one tier probably went down, like where did I go wrong? And then I woke up the next morning, went straight to work and then go to work after or night. I went to work from the pigs. I went to run a carnival at a homeless shelter.

I would have called out of work at a homeless shelter. She that's like volunteer work exactly. Just don't show up paying you don't even show up be like something came up, I mean went down, went down, And then he never contacted me.

I would never, I would change my name. You should have messaged him like, hey, what you said?

This is where I'm I'm a bit and I'm like, no, you're not ghosting me after this happened, you like that's fucking crazy. So over like over the weekend, I sort of like put a like, hey, how's it going, like cause he was out of town. I'm like, let me know if you want to hang out and you get back, and he responded but didn't make any plans. And then like a full week went by and I was like this is nonsense, and I sent him like a long

I would only do it if I was never going to see you again. That's that's a different approach, Marie. I cannot You're all PEG matters, so you So I was like listen, like, you know, that was messed up, Like, don't do that to anybody else.

It wasn't cool. What do you say?

He like apologized, but whatever, it was kind of a like that was the problem.

You're not an expert. It's not what you do.

I am not the expert on pegging. That's not what I'm here for. Is that the unofficial expert of pegging? Janet. I can see the way you do your hair. You're not trying to peg. You gotta slick that ship back. You know, you gotta jail the sides. If you're going pig, your bangs is in the way. Yeah, you can't, like while you're pegging, like your bangs are like in your eye, Like it's a work. That's real, bad dude. I feel

So I'm overwhelmed by this whole story thinking about all the people you could have pigged. I know just a little bit.

So I work in an office with a lot of like young women, and I say women to be generous because I like to say women instead of girls. But but they're like and they would call themselves girls like they're twenty two, twenty three, twenty four, their parents are still there and they're you know, a lot of them is their first job. Like they don't know nothing nothing,

Do that, Sydney. How do you say, oh, no, I don't have time to do that. That's what I say. I work too, That's why I don't bartend no more. This guy, I have a vodka soda.

No, I don't have time to do that. Let me show you how to do it. You put the vodka in, after you put in the ice, then you throw the soda on, Sidney.

How do you say no?

At work?

I feel like you just be like nah, I just don't.

Look anybody in the eyes, Like I don't give them direct eye contact. So like if I'm not looking, then they maybe they assumed that I didn't hear and that.

I'll just act like I didn't hear it. That's a real thing.

Yeah, I mean, if it's somebody who I work with and they asked me to do something, people don't ask me to do shit at work because they already know my face already looks like a no. So I make it so uncomfortable for you to ask me to do something Like sometimes somebody can't make it to their table and they're like, well, Sidney, can you bring this red bull of there?

And I'm like this one can of red bull? Girl? No, Like I'm not like I'm on my phone. Can't you tell?

Like I'm about to post this fly ass photo, I don't have time to drop this red bull off. I mean, I used to be really helpful, helpful, and I say yes a lot, but I do that outside of work a lot. I rarely say no, I'm exhausted. My friends people that I know, I'm always willing to help. But at work that's where I can put my foot down a little bit more. But it is hard as a woman to tell somebody no. That's like maybe higher up, that's extremely hard.

And that's where, Yeah, I mean, I feel like in a bunch of different jobs, I've had experiences with bosses who are like really kind of force full and sometimes like ask for things that maybe they shouldn't right.

I don't mean like inappropriate.

I just mean they're just like demand nothing like that, but they demand a lot or they like ask for something and they're like I need it immediately. That kind of stuff where it's like no, that's not how it's supposed to work, like you need to like give people reasonable times and like I try to teach the younger girls like how to push back against that, like respectfully but being like I will get this to you by the end.

Of the day or whatever it is. You look like the type if you came in my bar of like, yo, is she going to talk to the manager?

So, Jenny, do like the type to be like that's I need to speak to it very mean, that's very meany you too?

Have you ever asked to speak to a manager? I don't think so.

I'm trying to think it wouldn't ever be.

It wouldn't ever be.

Like I like with with servers and weightsaff like I am super polite, like I get that their job is hard and most people are rude because I think I'm I don't think I'm rude.

Might pop, but I'm not going to be rude to somebody.

The only time I would ever ask to see a manager would almost be to like help out the server because it's like, I know this isn't your thing and I need to like, oh, and maybe if I were doing that because I'm like with my uncle who's being a dick, or something like that. So I want to handle the situation as like kind of apologize, No, that's fine, okay, but I can accept that I might look.

Like you also look like you might yelp some shiit, so like, yeo, you don't yell. You don't be like this to the tartar was too tartar. And I found a bang hair not picky. When I find a hair, I eat around it.

You are the nasty expert. I might be hairy rice and putting things in hairy, but I am shocked. So, Janet, do people call you a bitch all the time or like is that the word that they use?

Like how do they address you? I don't get it. This is where I don't know because I don't get it to my face a.

Lot because you look like if somebody said it to you and you're oh.

Yeah, and that's sayings.

I think that this might be an opinion people have of me, or I'll hear like kind of here's say about it. But I don't think because any people who know me well know that I'm not. But it's people who only know me a little bit well.

I think that's the thing, right, Like when when you're confident and you don't have time to waste on people's dumb questions or like you know how sometimes guys will try to flirt with you and they'll try to like they'll be like like I was just at the store and the guy was like, miss, can you show me which one is the parsley? And I was like, I don't know what you're saying, sir, No, I don't have time,

Me and be like, oh, yeah, she's not right which is?

And see, to me, the thing is that person's being rude. That's my whole thing of like a lot of times one personal start being rude and then the response is for most women like, oh, I've got to play it nice. I gotta like ease this situation and I want to escalate.

It can escalate.

So we're trained so much be like, don't you don't want to piss anybody off because they could hurt you.

And that's real.

I feel like you should look at me as the queen that I am and know that if you say something. I will say something back, and it's gonna be something that's gonna make you feel real little escalate a situation.

Yeah, yes I will, but like not.

Not so much anymore because I feel like somebody might cut me with a knife on the train.

It's possible that. I mean, it's scary to realize, like so much of this.

That why women feel like they can't be assertive or they can't so because they're scared.

There's a girl who just got killed for saying no. The guy was trying to talk to her in the street. She was that happens like every couple of years. Yeah, it's real thing. It's scary, but we.

Should be allowed to say no and like legitimate no and not have that even be question considered rude. It's like like I was on the train yesterday, you know, headphones in, like zoned out, and there was it was like a crowded train, and there was a guy next to me that like I kept like, you know, we were like bumping into each other a little bit, and I could tell he was like looking at me a lot, and I was just like not paying attention. And I got off the train and he I don't know, if

The headphones and like looked kind of like what do you want?

And like, because I'll get people directions, I don't mind, Like I'm happy to do that. But he was just like trying to ask me out, and I was like and like we were then on the streets, like where do you live? And I'm like near here by, like walked away, yeah, And then I had to like look behind my back to make sure he wasn't following me to my apartment. Like that's like when he was being inappropriate and rude.

Man looked like he's just like a well fat white guy. Did he have a flip flop?

Because I felt like I would do that, But if he had, you could take him because he can't really run.

Yeah, So I was not afraid of this person. Like black man would also do that. He wouldn't have flip flops on it. If you would not he had on a boot, if he.

Had a Timberlan boo, he wouldn't be able to run after you anyway, So you'd be fine. Shoes wouldn't be lacey, he would trip over them. He would senderella right out them shoot people.

Oh no, but yeah, I don't.

We shouldn't be afraid to just be honest. But have you ever been in a situation where like you made a scene just becuz because you can't seem like the type, they don't make a scene.

I've made scenes, get into a jam, But.

Talk about like the most dramatic scene, because that's the first thing I go to when I see like a woman like screaming, going like going off.

I'm like, damn, bitch, like, calm down, is it that serious?

If I don't, if I didn't get the backstory, I'm like, what's up? Well, everything looks crazy out of context, right Yeah. My thing when I am getting ready to make a scene is do I want to be the angry black woman today?

And usually I don't, so I'll just like, I'll I'll curse you out real quiet, right, See, I don't. I don't have to deal with that. I mean the going to the manager, like the white woman version of that.

I guess not even because I feel like going to the manager is not even No, it's not nearly as bad as a stereotype.

But so I feel like sometimes I don't know that I've made a scene on my own behalf, but I feel like if I, like whatever the bystander stuff, if I saw somebody else, like I'm not afraid to start yelling in public and like publicly shaming someone if they're doing something wrong, like I would feel like I'm comfortable as a white woman being like.

Sure, I see your penis out on the train, Like, and I get everybody on the car. There's a black lady.

There's a video of some woman that's yelling at this guy because she she's going off.

She said he was jerking off on the train and she's.

Like, you're doing that freaky shit and she was like, next stop, I don't even care for she'll stop and not you're getting off the train. And he was like like everybody just looked, and somebody got the video and she's just yelling at him. I guess it was an express train because they were on train for work. Oh god, a long time without his stopping. And then he got off at the next step and she's.

Like he's touching himself.

This kid's he and I thing like, how many people saw that at least twenty other people saw that, but nobody wants to say anything because nobody wants to be afraid.

That he's gonna whip his dick out and throw it on my face.

Yes, why that's if he's jerking off in public, he's probably going to hit.

Me with his dick many steps back.

I'm all set. I will quietly watch him jerk off and be like whoo, no, sidnel pull her phone in and be like, look at this, because no, you know, my phone will be dead. My phone stay dead. So I'll be tapping in person it's a seven eight, and then wait till I get wi fi by that. That is so crazy, ik I've.

Ever seen it. I've never seen anybody jerking off on the train, but.

I definitely like have yelled at people in public and then thought about it like was I going off or was I protecting myself?

I don't know, I've yelled at We're allowed to do both of those things.

You're allowed to like lose it once in a while just because he had a hard day or whatever.

We've had enough.

And then we're also to protect ourselves always, always, and sometimes we just be in dramatic and we deserve to be fired.

You know, are you serious? I never deserve to get fired.

I don't care if I throw up while I'm on the job and fall asleep in a stall. That happened to you when sixteen three years ago. But they said, didn't fire me you because of that. They said that happens to everybody. Everybody blacks out and pass out in the middle of their shift. It's because you were coming late all the time, and it acted like.

You didn't want to got you. I just was on time. I could have just threw up and passed out.

Every job I've ever gotten fired from, which is every job I've ever had, I deserve to be fired from.

So anyway, Janet, Yeah, Janet.

Now, we used to go to open mics together and you would tell these dudes what it is like. They would say a comment and you would be in the back and you would hit them with some like feminist, lyricist, lounge, deaf comedy, death comedy, death comedy, jams.

And May Angelou.

Yeah, you would say stuff in the back and I'm like, Wow, she's really heckling at this mic.

I have no problems with heckling at open mics. I don't understand why that doesn't happen more often, I feel.

But we would just laugh at them when the stuff wasn't hitting me and Sydney would laugh at people at mics and like shout things out, and somebody called us the two old guys from the Muppets. Yeah that's and I was like a beautiful compliment, thank you so much. But then after the mike, Janna would pull the dude aside and be like, well, this is why that didn't work.

Sometimes, not always, I will help you with your bit. So there's two categories.

There's guys that are like never gonna be funny, that aren't good, that don't have jokes, that just say crazy shit, Y's horrible, yes, And with those I sort of pick and choose, like I'm not going to change their mind, but sometimes I have to say something or else it's gonna make me go crazy. So if I go up after one of those guys, I'll like spend a minute tearing them down, like, yeah, I'd like to.

Fact check people.

So that's something I have a tendency to do, Like if they say something that's just straight up wrong, I'll correct them. And sometimes i'd yell that from the back because it just pisses me off, Like, don't be wrong, like be funny, like make a joke, don't say so.

I think that's the biggest thing about comedy that I have a problem with, right, because when I think of comedy, I think of entertainment. I go to comedy shows. I mean, I don't really go to comedy shows, but like as a performer, I feel like people come to comedy shows to be entertained. Right, don't be up here yelling about your ex girlfriend and how she cheating on you when she's a hoe. Now, if it's not funny, you're just it's a sad yeah, said sad play.

I think there's this attitude with a lot of especially new comics and guys, that like the most shocking thing is the funniest thing. So they'll just like throw in the word rape or abortion or whatever like talk about yeah, or like talk about hating people, like to just get to like shock people. It's like, yeah, that's not funny unless there's a joke, unless there's a punchline.

You're just saying, well, that's the shitty thing.

They see Luis k or Chris Ruck or these people Bilburr, and they're like Oh, they say shocking things all the time. They got jokes though, but also they've been doing comedy for twenty something years, right, Like they know how to structure something so that it's not offensive.

Right, and so those like there are some that are whatever, they're never gonna be good. But then if there are guys that I'm friendly with that they have a joke, they have an idea, but sometimes they'll still lean on that stuff or they'll say something that's like kind of ignorant for them. I'm like, I want you to be good. I like this could be a good joke. You're saying this dumb thing that like makes me hate you right now, and it's gonna make other women.

Hate you if they hear you say I know you're a good dude, and you don't mean it like that. So see, I feel like that. I mean, you sound nice. You don't sound like I am very nice person. You are nice.

So I actually I am starting a new podcast, okay called Dude Talks to a Lady, Which.

This is like the whole point.

I can't wait to hear I interview mail comics about their jokes about women.

Can I like tell you some people that you should interview.

For suggestions, because I wanted to be like the full range of guys that are like tell jokes about women that are funny and good and like, you know, maybe would be controversial, but like I still laugh at and think it's funny. And then also like dudes they're like, yeah, I'm sexist, and here it is that are also like, you know, I don't want I'm not gonna be inviting the guys from open mics that like can't string a joke together that just says just.

Hurt they feeling. But I wanted to definitely get those the ones who listened to our podcast Girls Open My Guys, we love you. No, that's not what I'm gonna say. Good love getting some spots.

Marisa is gonna be waiting outside of the show for us. They won't be at the show inside perform see Janet, that's a bitch.

Goes on.

I feel less qualified at doctor to Marie. I feel like she's got it unlockedown.

I learned a lot from you, I do. I really do feel like that. Now, do you have any advice for women who are like afraid of not seeming nice or lay like any situation?

I think that you can be firm and polite, and that is like as long as you are polite and respectful to other people, Like you don't have to be sweet and nice, so like firm, figure out, yeah, like figure out, and you can say those things with a big old smile. Like I used to live in Texas where some of the meanest bitches, like we'll say that that's sure, yes, but like you know, the whole like lessure heart, Like say the meanest fucking thing with a

And like I feel like sometimes people say no and nice it sounds condescending, so like oh't know, what's the whole damn No, I can't do it right. You don't have to be I mean, you don't have to be sweet about it.

But I feel like for some people that I like can't say no to anyone, and I mean mostly like even with friends and something. You know, if somebody asking me for a neighbor that's not appropriate to you know, like, oh, well, you come pick me up from the airport and it's like a two hour drive for you when they could take a fifteen dollars cab.

Like no, you should say no, like that kind of thing. Yeah, some people just don't know how to do that.

And so to me, it's like trying to figure out, like what do you actually want and like be okay with admitting it.

Whether it's okay knowing what you want, that's what damn, Janet, Janet.

I'm gonna list a couple of things and then you tell me if you would say yes or no to these things.

Is it's a quiz?

So these are like favors, hypothetical favors. These are favor Okay, okay, I need to borrow five hundred dollars. You don't need no, whow no, Wow.

Unbelievable, Janet.

I'm having a destination wedding in uh Santrope or whatever. I'm not covering the hotel and you have to come, and you're in my wedding as well.

If it's somewhere I wanted to go and I loved you and I'm free at that time, then yeah I would go. But if I didn't have the vacation or I couldn't afford it, I would say.

No, but this is your like good friend, you can't make it happen.

My personal financial situation situation right now, I probably could, but if I couldn't, I would say.

It's getting court and it's going in Sancho Pei. But I wouldn't, Like I would.

There have been destination type things that I would definitely say no to. If it was like truly my closest friend and I was in the wedding, I would make it work. But if I was like invited and not in the wedding and didn't want to go, nah, Yeah, I feel.

Like Cinny be saying yes to all the destination weddings I used to.

When I have money, I don't do it no more. I mean they don't get let me just I don't get invited to many destination weddings. Let's tell it, it's not that.

Could just be your friends. They need to step day money up? You No, are your friends are just considerate? I wouldn't go that.

I did have to go on a destination bachelorette party once some Mexico and I did not have the money at that time, but I did go.

And everybody goes, why are they going to a basic ass place. Mexico is the new Vegas, you know. Oh, I have a question. Hey, Janet, I need to go out. Can you watch my baby if I'm free? I like babies.

So if I was free and you don't have a shitty kid, Okay, sure, Janet.

I'm a hoe obviously and have unprotected unprotected sex. And uh, I need to get a Plan B, but I am too ashamed to.

Go back to the right aid to get it. Can you go pick up a Plan B for me? Here's the money one time. I would do that for somebody one time. Wow, Well would you be pick up a Plan B for me? Even if even if you're like, the store is right next to your house, I.

Mean, if I like, if, I mean, there's so many variable if I live in the neighborhood.

If like we're neighbors, sure I would I would do that one time. Or I would be like, but she wasn't ashamed when you was second at a gig, get you some Plan B. But I just wasn't sucking dick, and I think I might be pregnant. Well you starting it off? You you're starting it off? You ended? Okay? Son?

You sure?

Uh, here's another one for your tenant. Jenet, Uh, Jenet, will you strap up and peck me? Please?

No?

No, I will not. I can't. If you did that, dude, you are rocks terror. Okay, Janet, something more? Uh, you've been daanning a dude his his dad dies.

He doesn't have money to go to the funeral. He needs to borrow like three hundred dosts to go to the funeral. Would you give the money?

How is this like something that happened? How long have we been together? Six months? Six months? I would am I invited? Do you want to?

No?

Now? I feel like if well, that's the thing, if we're close enough that I'm going with sure, maybe I'd like we're getting you.

For your ticket and his ticket ticket to the funeral. Just like this is a dad you ain't never met either again. To me, it's like the answer for like there's no blanket, yes or no. It's like he's gone face the body. Yeah, you'll my hope. You guys are one more thing, one more thing, Janet. Obviously you're with this guy. You like him, he likes you.

You don't want to have sex tonight, but y'all were already starting it up. You know, but then you were like, you know what, I'm not me tonight.

I have gotten much better at shutting that ship down for that. Yeah, I don't want to have sex right now, that's my line. I'm just like, very straightforward. I'm like, I'm sorry, I want to go to bed.

He's like, it's already out the button flat, his dick is already on your back.

I'll like be like, you can jerk off on me or something. I don't do that.

No, you can't jerk off the go in the bathroom and handle yours because I don't even want to be nowhere near.

I just changed these sheet have some respect. There is a cat in this room. Go out on a ledge and jerk up on the ledge.

Go on to terrorists. We got money, now, just jugle off on the terrace. Okay, here's my last one for you. And we keep saying least one, but so many money. I keep hilarious.

I keep thinking of more. I can't stop laughing.

You're you're with a guy. Let's see you guys are together for year and a half. Okay, okay, things were good. It's pretty serious. You've met his parents, he's met your parents, and he's like for my birthday this year, I.

Want to have a threesome. Yes or no?

That's I don't know. That's hard because like it's for me again, it's not a blanket. I would say yes, but if it was less serious. I think if I was like, I want to marry somebody, I feel like I'd be too jealous. But I'm not opposed the idea entirely, but I think it would have to be more of like, oh, we're just like hanging out.

Somebody seriously asked me, like, with both the eyes open, can we have a threesome and we serious?

We breaking up?

No?

No? You know why I feel like married couples do it?

Okay, we've probably been together for a minute and I'm tired of looking at you. Sure, but if I'm still in love with you and I have fun with you one on one, why would I want another bitch in the in the mix?

But what if you want it to be a dude? Why would I want somebody on How many dudes do you need to have a train? I think at least three two three. I feel like more than one dig is a train. I don't know. I think you need three cars for it to be a train, what if it was a trolley? Janet, I feel like you answered all the hypothetical questions that I had. Jennet, you're definitely not a bitch. You're not a bitch. Sorry, I came here under false pret You're just a white woman. That's it.

Yeah, all who knows her worth exactly? That's beautiful. I mean sometimes sometimes sometimes overvaluating yourselves.

Janet. Please plug all your things right now.

You can't catch all my selfies on Instagram and Janet underscore hide and.

You be killing it too, thank you. And you don't play no games with the bank like a winged liner or cat. I yeap. And you in the sun and it's glistening and there's some trees in the.

Background coming from you too. It's that's you're doing much better job than I am, So.

I take I take it.

Yeah.

I really appreciate if Marie like anything in it. Wow, I mean how hard it is to get this like something?

If I accidentally like something, I will take my leg back that I've done that I don't that's a city.

You don't take no legs back. No, Wow, I believe that you're too sweet. They need it.

She got a whole ass out twelve legs. She needed Janet Underscore hide h y d E. And when does the podcast?

The podcast is going to be coming out end of the summer, okay, and it's called Dude.

Talks to a Lady. And then what about your monthly My monthly show?

I run it with Mary Salad, she's great and tiptop bar and grill and bedsty on Franklin. It's the first Thursday.

Of the month, and they got great chicken wings. Yes, there's free food food. Yeah, I've never gotten any. It's off to the side. You gotta look for it.

Yeah, I mean there's somebody's mother guarding the food like it's fucking Thanksgiving. Yeah, but it's great, like look at hot dogs and cheese cubes and cheese.

I love it's yes, old egg Yeah, it's delicious. I love on her fall. Yeah.

So first Thursday is at eight thirty, Okay, So if you.

Can leave us with anything before we go about your expertise or what pleasant saying, no pegging dudes anything today.

I'm gonna regret having this be my like label. I don't want to be the pegging expert.

Just don't. Most of the comments we don't even listen to this. It's not that we don't.

Yeah, the ones that I get in trouble with, Yes, it's all people that are not comedians.

I would say, just don't be afraid, Like, so what if somebody thinks you're a bitch, Like, that's not gonna hurt you.

I mean, it doesn't hurt me.

Didn't.

Atlanta Morriset said it best. I'm a bitch. No, that was not Alanis Morrissett. That was a rip off.

Sorry, I got I just got the most embarrassing white girl. Yeah that was that was that was Yeah, that wasn't Alanis Morrissett. That was like a knockoff of Morrissett. She was I forget where her name was, Meredith something. Alanis Morrisett is you want to know?

Like we have to. That's a good one, all right, And you could catch us on Instagram Unofficial Expert. Please like and make comments. I love all the little comments y'all leave for us. Oh we're so beautiful and funny and great and my best friend.

Thank you.

But write some more stuff in it, especially on iTunes that were amazing review US reviewers.

Reviewers give us five stars, like it's uber and leave more comments. Yeah, we're here for that. Uh, it's unofficial expert on what I'm saying. iTunes, No, that's not what it is. Instagram, Instagram on Instagram. We need to do a Twitter too, we do, but I don't really tweet like that.

Yeah Twitter, you know, typing is tim When we get an intern, I want www dot twitter dot shut up, bitch. And we mentioned my radio show today. It's every Thursday from seven to eight pm on ninety nine point five FM or w b AI dot org.

Yes, ma'am, okay, thank you. I feel like we're doing yes. Thank you, Jenny, thank you.

Bye bye