Meet The Experts: S&M

This podcast is brought to you by zipcar dot com or twenty five dollars and free driving credit at join zip card dot com. Slash Unofficial Experts AI.

Hey, welcome to the Unofficial Expert.

Unofficial Expert, where we think that we can figure out who's who thinks they're smart and who thinks they're dumb.

Yeah. I'm Sydney Washington and I'm Marie no last name, no like Beyonce or share. And people are like Marie who works at CBS.

That's a different that's Mary, Mary that's married. That's somebody else that ain't different.

Different hairstyle, different woman.

Different face, different cheek, bones, every different, like big toenail. It's just everything is different.

Okay, all right, so what's what is this podcast about? Marie?

Okay, So Sidney, we're friends, right, like, I mean, she she died so sometimes. But we like live in New York City where we meet interesting literally every day every day. And a lot of our friends are comedians, so you know what that means. They don't have jobs, but they all think they're really good at something specific or we have. Sydney has a lot of friends, right, you know a lot of people I.

Think they're experts in just things that no one cares about.

So what we're gonna do is every week we're gonna talk to a different person who thinks they're an expert at something really insignificant, something really like, really, you're an expert at getting.

Fired, like being a wingman, or like being a single mom, or getting stuff for free, or an expert drag queen. Yeah, all since those things are just like, Okay, you're an expert at are you getting any money for it? Now?

You know you know you're not. We have a white woman whisperer that we.

Going to talk to you. Sure do. We have a hood expert.

We have a drug expert.

Brooklyn expert. We have so many experts. It goes on and on, and we just keep making up experts as we go.

Oh yeah, we're like, well this dude must be good at something. You're an expert at staying at your mom's house well into your thirty yes.

Or you're like, how to live with your mom properly, Like I'm an expert at living with mothers. That's it? No, I like that. That's fine. Everyone's gotta live with her mom at least once.

Yeah, when you're born and then until college. Like, how old were you when you left your mom's house?

College?

So so when you got out of college, you didn't go back to your mom's house.

Oh, Ramona wasn't letting me back in for real. Yes, she wouldn't let you back in the house. Now she's like, don't you dare come back here. You gotta get your own place, so I stay with my friend.

What wait, Ramona is seven?

Listen that wig stay tilted. She don't give no damns.

Oh my god, even if you stood out there like and with a boombox facing her window playing gospel hymns, she still wouldn't let you in the house.

Listen. Ramona would have let me in when I was in high school and I would come in I don't know, twenty minutes late. She would lock the door and I would call her phone over and over and over again, and she would let me wait outside for like forty five minutes.

Wait, why would she do that? I don't know why parents do that? So she's like, bring ass here all the time. Yeah, but like you're what. You want me to get home early because you feel like I'm gonna get into some trouble, so you let me stay outside for forty five minutes because you think no one's gonna kidnap my six years.

I wasn't outside. I was just in the hallway, just embarrassing in front of the Joe, just on the banjo playing the harmonica. Yeah, hope, and somebody will give us some change and whatnot.

Excuse me letters gentlemen, like you're trying to raise some money for my basketball team.

I'm trying to stay off these streets because my mom locked me out right. So you know, people want to know about us, what are we experts in? So we did? We did? We thoroughly explain what the show was. You think that they got it. You think they're experts on the unofficial expert Yeah, like the person that always has the statistics like eighty percent of like white men stay doing blah blah blah. It's like, where did you come up with this statistic?

Eighty percent of white man will kill you and cut you up, you in the trunk, which dread that somewhere that is true. But also wet men will wear sandals in the rain.

Yeah, or they're like forty eight point seven percent of women have orgasms from reverse cowgirl, Like wait, cool, listen, let me tell you something.

Okay, I feel like the stat is like something like sixty percent of all women have never orgasmed during sex.

Oh, I think it's more than that, like probably eighty. Okay, you hear that. Eight.

So I feel like a lot of women fake it too. I'm not an actress summer comedian, so I will uh, you're on your pean and then be like, you gotta go because I'm not here to make you feel better. I'm not here to tell you that it was amazing. How about you get up and make me a sandwich. Damn, I'm an expert at eating sand.

You're definitely gonna get killed by white man. By white man. No, I'm back to black man. Oh that's good for you.

I've come back to the dark side.

Oh, you're helping the community.

I'm good at making the community. Just feel uplifted.

Just glow up, that glow up, right, that glow up. So this is what we're doing and this is who we are. But I think that you guys should know that we're also really good at stuff too, Like we're smart. Oh we have We're an expert at something at least once or twice a day. Oh, every day.

I'm like, wow, we use that.

Word expert very loosely white, so it's just the whole thing is just open. What is I don't know what a synonym for expert, but we're the antonym of experts exactly. So Marie, what are you an expert in? Overall? Right now?

I'm an expert at being like just the solid Christian woman, you know, just not a queen, just please, But I know that I'm being serious expert queen, expert, queen queen. Just when I walk down the street, people are like, oh, so Regal.

It's because you're always wearing your hair bag.

And I got this high just regal queen. For he your collar bone is always alone hill like money looks like money.

I think if you have a long neck, clavicles and your hair up, it's very queen.

I'm also rocking a neck tattoo right now, Yes you are, this dude. This dude downstairs was like, that's that's a real tattoo or not. So I'm also an expert now with trapping dudes who fresh out of prisons.

Oh nice. The security guards love you, they love you. So that's what I'm an expert at. Every day but I used to be an expert at all things setting it off. Does that make sense?

No, I was an expert at just stealing. I'm not gonna say robbing because that sounds like a crime. Stealing is innocent. No, stealing sounds bad as well. No, no, no, because people still most people steal from work every day. Like when you go to work and you print out your own like stuff, that's technically stealing.

Listen, don't you give me these bullshit ass explanations because you a thief?

Well I am, okay's stealing, but I don't listen. I'm retired. Okay, I'm out the game. I'm not stealing no more.

Also, don't have a day job, So that's why it was.

But I wasn't only just stealing from work. I used to steal from like stores and stuff as a kid.

Okay, we'll get down to it. They get get weird. Did you let me start stealing? Okay?

Well, okay, So I was drafted into the stealing set it to all Cleo game the finals. No, no, no, no, I was. I made it. I was a plu pop warner stealing when I was in first grade.

I told you in you first grade six five five. I was. I was a young scholar. So I was stealing like school supplies from like the school store and stuff.

And I was stealing you know, stuff like that, books and people snacks that.

Oh don't you dare? Oh, I was stealing books. So just you know, I just want to read. I was.

I used to read a lot. Sidney. Listen, Sidney, you sound like somebody who don't read good.

Okay, listen, I just lost a bet because I don't read enough.

No, you don't read at all.

I do. The last book you read, Catcher in the Rye, and that was that was like before your fourth grade. The Summer Reading Program, nineteen ninety three, Summer Reading Program, the coldest winter ever. That's my sister. So so is that the one where the girl's name was Mercedes. No, it was Winter fool. Wasn't there a y?

Okay? But didn't Winter have like a friend that had like the name her name was like Mercedes or something.

I digress Annie who thief? Continue? So I was stealing a bunch of stuff as a kid. I would steal snacks out of people's backpacks. Okay, get into this because okay, so you know my mom is a good Haitian woman and she's a nurse.

So we didn't eat junk food as kids. Like that's why I don't eat a lot of candy now, so I don't need it, like it's too much.

And your teeth are wonderful. Oh thank you.

I need to get a crown anyway, that's me here north crumb for my head over my mouth. And so my mom would give us like the most basic snacks, like carrot sticks and like banana that is vanilla yogurt terrible. So that's what I was coming to school with every day, and all you know, all the white kids was coming with like dunk rus and like gushers and like potato sticks. And you had no friends and lunchibles. Oh yeah, I

Their snacks out of their backpacks and then I would bring my snack back home and my mom would be like, you didn't eat and I know what the banana was black. Did you ever get caught stealings? Oh yes, I got caught playoff.

Okay, So I was in fourth grade, So I've been doing it for like, legit five years.

Damn the fact that you know when you got caught.

Yeah, because I remember what teacher it was. You were a pretty serious, mister. It was mister Nicolino, fourth grade. Hey, you called it, mister nick. He was my first gig. He was my first dude teacher. I didn't even know guys could be teachers.

Did he wear kaggies?

He wore kakies all the time. They were always like pressed and starched. He was young too, so he was cool, right, Yeah, white dude button up. He always listened to like the Beast Boys. Did he have the like short sleeve button up? Because I know teachers love those. I feel like it was a long sleeve. Maybe like his spring button up was short. I don't know anyway, So this girl snack went missing, probably for like the third time that week, because I was like, yo, mother be hooking her up.

I would eat these people snack in front of them at snack like, damn, your mother didn't pack your lunch?

Yeah, and I would just eat. So anyway, he had everybody lighted up against the wall, right, and I was like, what's happening?

And then he went through all the backpacks while we watched, and I was like, oh my god, he's about to get.

To my tweety bird backbone. And you know, I'm young and dumb. I didn't try to hide it. I didn't wrap but nothing. I just put it like I stole it and then stuck it at the top. It was like right at the top of my trapic keeper.

So this girl hopped off the line and she was like she said something to him, and he was like, okay, cool.

So he didn't check her backpack, and I was.

Like, what did she say?

Whatever she said, I have to say too, right, but I didn't know what it was, so I just I don't remember what I said, but I said, some there's embarrassing stuff in my backpack, please don't jacket.

Meanwhile, you were in the fourth grade. There was no period, There was no insolin for your diabetes, no nothing, nothing. No.

I should have been like, I wet myself and I put.

You should have just broke out in the see Jert, somebody get some orange juice. Oh my god, a snipers bar.

You know, I wasn't as a gifted and lying as I am now, so I couldn't think of something.

I just was like broke out in hives. Yeah, but see I'm not literally nothing. I just was like, well, let me just see, let me just see how this out.

So it guess the my purple tweety backpack and there they are right at the top of my backpack, just perched. It was like, I think it was like the cheese and crackers with the little red applicator oooh, the ritch one something like that. But it was like hers like had her name on them, and I was like, well, you didn't know my middle name is an Elise, so with their name on their snacks, her snack kept getting stolen by my blackett.

And did you feel some type of way by being black and stealing snow?

Because I didn't know what black was when I was in fourth grade.

I was you know, I thought I was just you know, but somebody somebody saw it was like niggas.

So that's probably got that, probably Italian, so they don't really ride with us like that.

He was like a freaking black women black women. So that was basically you graduated. There was your initiation to thievery. So when did you upgrade. Well, when I went to college. No, no, no.

When I got to high school, my friend had a car, so we would steal from like the mall. We would steal clothes and brons.

And you were all black.

We had one light skin friend, so you all were black.

Yeah, brown people stealing.

When I was in high school, all my friends looked like me except for the light skinned person, beautiful.

I used to hang out with white chicks that stole from Bloomingdale's. And see that is something like pretty serious about their stealing.

What were they taking like pocket book Dooney and Burkman.

No, like Ralph Lauren Cardigan sweaters and like lacrosse shirts and just like anything that was very popular at the time that everybody had. They were stealing. So were you stealing with them? Girl? No, I was shivering in my boots. I was just there for the ride. I was like I probably realized. I was like, oh, so I'm like the dummy that they're probably like, oh, she's the one who's stealing. And then they run out. Oh, because you know they were watching you.

Probably they weren't watching Robin and London and broke whatever the.

Hill, the scapegoat. They were like that that woman right there. They probably whispered as scared. Did they ever get caught? You know what? I stopped hanging out with them because I would get too nervous. I was like, I can't believe that they were still makeup from the cosmetic department, and it's always mad people at the g. They were stealing Bobby Brown, Bobby Brown. I was like, I was like,

She never stole nothing. She would be like, whatever you guys get, make sure you get me something too.

She was smart. What would y'all steal? Oh?

We were stealing clothes?

And stuff.

We were like, I stole like a dkn y tube top that I probably still have.

I sold. I hope that you haven't Union Union Bay jeans or something stupid like that, like baby fat stuff. Pac Sun No, I wasn't. I've never owned anything from Pacsun on the hock surfer. I'm not a surfer dude. But that's like a very mall brand. Yeah.

But then when I got to college, I then happened to find some friends who were also criminals. So we would see we would go to the mall. We had a friend who worked at this store and he was like, they ain't got no cameras. He was like, they they can't see if you're taking stuff. And I was like, oh we got an inside man. He was like, and then the censors at the door don't work.

And we were like, you guys were like bootleg Oceans eleven.

It was legit, Yes, Ocean's eleven. It was like Oceans like eight.

It was like Oceans five because it was like five of us. We would see stuff like I got some uh some baby fat sling back key. Oh. I used to love baby fat pressed. I would love the underwear for baby fat panties. Yes, they did see through. Oh that's because he was nasty, because he was fat. I was like, oh the little cat on my cat already. The dudes in the staircase ain't.

Such a classy ass, late Dick Kimora, Wait, how much did the panties used to call to you?

Remember? Yo? Like twelve fifteen dollars for.

A pair of sheer Kimora leads, yes.

And then we have like the little the emblem that like came out the like metal one. I have like a metal pan yea yea yeah, yeah that would rip your panties up in the dryer. And you were like, why is this like in the crack of my ass? This hurts? And then you're like, oh, I kind of like this. I'm sitting you watching it, and I'm the.

But I never got arrested for stealing.

You're here today.

I stole a love the jacket ones super cute.

So, Marie, since you've been stealing for a long no, no, no.

No, since I had been stealing for a long time, I'm out here just stealing people bands, now stealing people's fathers from their homes.

Is do you have like tips? What was the dudes or don'ts Oh, you want me to help the community. We want to know how you survive stealing out in these streets.

Well, I think the most important thing is to go with your gut. If you feel like somebody watching you, somebody's probably watching your black ass. Also, don't you try to steal from like these Chinese owned businesses because they watch black people.

Oh yes, they watch us. I think was it Minister Society.

Oh yeah, when they came in and it was like nigg Yeah, hurry up and buy like that one that movie.

Let everybody know, like, oh you know it. Don't fuck with them? Yeah at all.

Well, Also I have I have some statistics for you because I am an expert and I prepared my materials.

Look at you on the train.

I think that in actuality, the people who are the biggest thieves are old white women and then they fake like they got I don't know, dementia and they're only way to dialysis and they didn't realize they didn't pay for no other stuff.

But they're very aware and they steal. So ninety six percent of thieves are white women, and sinn you hung out with some of them. They were stealing from blow me down. So where did you find this?

I found it on my phone as I was typing it for this meeting.

Can we just get a reference? Do you have an Oh?

You want me to cite my source?

Yes? Can you source?

My source is lomans By my mom's house. There was a lomans By there and it was always some white lady.

And they're just stealing like I don't know, uh and tail aloft or white House, black market, terrible fult If you're stealing Banana Republic, kill yourself like that is just awful.

Legit in they're stealing like Anne Klein patent level and Mary.

Jane's regular slingbacks? Is that a sling back? Or you weren't a sling back, Barbara, No.

A sling back kitten wedge with the corkscrew, or like the hard wooden clogs that they are.

Do you know what clouds I'm talking about? What you're talking about, the ones that they were socks with two? I hate it? So okay, I like I like the way you cite. I like the way you say Marie.

I mean, I'm super serious about what I'm doing. So Lemona, I'm.

Gonna POI you okay, go ahead. Uh. Number one white woman that was caught stealing a ride.

Johnny Depp was beating that ass because he was like, you got me out here looking messed up?

Uh, how do you unhook one of those security things? Oh see, I wasn't doing those. I thought they were supposed to like wrap your bag in like a luminofoil or something. I heard that you're supposed to put. You can use a paper clip and shove it in and like try to unhook the lock that's in it.

Is that what you heard? Is that what you're white? Bloomingdale's friends telled you, Becky have Bloomy's.

I'm not gonna say because I'm not an expert at this, but I didn't. We go on a blog where there was people who were boosting.

There's a tumblr page.

Do you have the name of the tumbler.

It's called White Women who Will Not Get Stopped and Will Not Shut it down?

Open Up Shop.

And it's this blog and it's all white girls giving each other's tips and tricks and pointers on how to steal stuff. And it's all about just them showing off all the crap that they've stolen.

And it was like like thousands of dollars with the stuff that they stole mad makeup, And I was like, Yo, how can I hit up one of these people? Can they stealing like Mac and stealing like Bobby Brown and seeing no Michael Cores. Well, Michael Cors.

Is basically the new baby fat mail.

Like, if I see another old black lady on the train with a Michael corspocketbook, I'm a steal hor herse or the watch well, I.

Mean I have to watch.

And this blog is very informative. It tells you the places, like what time security comes in, what times they take, They know.

Where the shift changes are, they know what stores have cameras. So it's like my homeboy in college, except it's a community of just young white women online who are helping you be the best criminal that you can be.

So why did you give up your life a crime? I started to feel bad about it. Wow, isn't that crazy? That's knowing you feeling bad about you know what I mean?

I was like, you know what, I am a grown ass, broke ass woman. If I get caught stealing, they're gonna throw my black ass and.

Or shoot me. You should like, I have a mother and a father. I shouldn't be stealing. Listen, my mom and dad don't even know that I was stealing for so long, mister and missus Foston.

Hey, I mean, hey, Bobby, but Sidney, that's what you know. I was good at stealings. So I did that for years, and uh, I'm retired now, even though every once in a while I want to come back like MJ. But you know, I feel like right now I'm out here just stealing hearts.

Ooh, I and our uneficial expert for the evenings Free Foston.

And I keep saying my last name after I told you I'm just like share or Shaggy, Okay, like people don't.

Need to know it wasn't me. Sidney, What the hell are.

You good at? Because you are good at asking questions to criminals like me, But like, you gotta have another.

Ski I watched Colombo a lot, and I just feel like we need an interrogation light over to that.

I don't know what Colombo is. I thought that was a yogurt.

No, so it's an old movie that I mean, an old series that's like before my time, Like my mother used to watch it and I was a baby. When you watch it and then.

She and then she would lock you outside so she could watch Colombo.

And then she would let me know that, like, oh, she would go to work and she would put Colombo on a night so that that was the only way I could go to sleep. And I ended up knowing about Colombo as a I don't know a teenager. AnyWho. What am I good at? I'm good at collecting friends. I'm sorry, collecting men's friends. Oh, friends, I know how to be a good friend. I'm like, uh, you know, like Pokemon gotta gooda mall.

Type bosh Pokemon.

I you know, as you being my friend? I what did? I trapped your ass real quick?

I was like, you want to take an Uber? You're like up soul. I was like, you don't need me to put in for this uber? Okay, yes, I'm in the car.

I mean technically I was like no, But then like after the fiftieth uber, I was like, so she's not gonna give me nothing, She's not gonna put five on.

It or I mean, I guess technically I'm still stealing Uber rides from friends.

But pretty I got five on. You don't have not a song that I sing ever ever you have, You're not doing anything you like. But I'm here, that's my guest. I am breathing in your presence. Uh yeah, I know how to I know how to be a good friend. I have so many. I probably have about fifteen best friends, not best friends, but friends that I could count on call if I had a problem.

Fifteen.

Yeah, if I needed a couch to sleep on, we at my friend's place right now. I mean yeah, but like on this couch. I've slept on this couch. Oh god, you're so gross.

Shut up, Hey, booth things for the NAXT. Use your apartment to shoot this.

Thank you.

Fifteen that's a lot of friends.

Yeah, how do you? How do you have that many good friends that you got that.

That have couches? They all got a couch.

Well, I learn how to be a good friend. I believe in high school I was because you were popular or you were I was not popular. I was not popular. So it's very attentive. I was like that person who would always picked up on the first ring. I would be down to do like whatever, like oh you want to you want to go? Like riding out, just ride it out all night, Just just stay out, ride each out all night. Day break, day break, night or whatever,

Now my question to you, my Oprah Winfremo. Now, now, missus Washington, you say that you were out till the break of dawn? What the hell was y'all doing?

You are the clubs? Yes?

And did you ever feel like people were taking advantage of you because you wanted a friend so bad?

Or you ared that question that was so good, That was such a good question. You were such a shady boots.

No, I'm asking because sometimes when someone's really eager to be my friend, I'd be like, if this nat, don't get out on my face because it's annoying. If people are too eager to be your friend, you like, get something wrong with this this fool.

Well, people realized that I was just like a nice person, and then I was just like happy to be outside outside and just like I was free, give us free. I was so happy to just not be in my apartment with my mother watching Colombo. Yeah, so I mean, I guess I get that you are somebody that people genuinely like. And it's crazy to me because I hate everybody.

Excuse me, it's crazy because I don't like anybody. But people can't tell I guess that I don't like them because they be in my face. When do I go out, Henry, I be like, I'm sorry, who nice to meet?

Who is this?

I'm not familiar with your face?

I feel like you liked me right away. No, I did like you.

But the people that I like I like. The people that I don't like, I don't like.

You don't like.

And that's probably why I don't have fifteen couches to sleep. I just got the one couch at my house and then the one at my mom's house.

I'm very open to meeting people, and I think the biggest thing about meeting people is energy, and people can pick up if you're like one of those people who are is understanding and just open, no judgment and just just chill. I have like chill, high energy vibes.

You do have those things, but I don't think people can pick up on that stuff because my energy not positive and I'm not a good listener, and I'm not a good friend. But people keep trying to be friends with.

My black ads. But look at you, you're a queen.

Yes, So I think maybe people want to be friends with people who scare them a little bit, just a little or maybe I'm not at.

All are they? Maybe they think you're playing hard to get or you're playing You're like, she's not she's not acting. I just don't like she's not a good actress. This is just all Marie. So you you're good at being a friend, and you have a lot of friends. So how often do you see these people? Like, because I got friends that I don't talk to for years, well about six seven years ago. I used to drink a lot, and I used to go out a lot, and I had a lot of free time. I would just work

Got own house, she got.

I don't know what you know what that means?

Yes, it means he ain't got to come out of his pockets.

Right. I mean I'm one of those friends that were like, oh, Sidney's cute enough to get in the club. You know she's she's cute in pictures, like why wouldn't you want her around? And you know people were stay scooping. I would be like, I need a skinny black friend. I was the very skinny black friend.

You were what I feel like, I needs a fat black friend. No, I didn't know that they needed a skinny black friend.

Skinny black friend.

The fat black friend is the fun black friend. No, but black friend is the mean black friend.

But when you like, see what is it? Bring it on?

Yeah, Gabrielle Union is the skinny black friend and she's terrible and everything that she does exactly.

But I was the opposite. So everyone's like, oh my god, she does have an attitude. She's not shady, not rolling, honestly just like cool. Damn, So I gotta get I used to shut up. I used to hang out every like I would be everywhere. I mean everybody picture is just ready, like anytime a camera come off, like I'm here, post I'm here.

That's true too, because you are crazy photogenics, so you just make like you make people's legs go up. You do it. That the nicest thing Marie has ever said. And we haven't won the record. It's not gonna be said again. You gotta get when you're said, because I ain't never gonna say.

I know it's true, but true though, Like when we take pictures together, I likes be in the three digits.

We making, we be breaking the internet and my butt don't be out.

Okay yo covered, okay, you will have a turtle neck on. You'd be like find it likes on just a face that's it. Must spend a little much time you uh so, I would go out a lot. You have to be a good friend. You have to be available a lot. Like to pick up your phone and somebody it constantly picks up for you. That opens up your heart. Your heart is open. You're like that sounds that sound gay? Listen. That's why you fucked up. Because I will call you. You

You'll just let it ring. Well, maybe I'm trying to loation my ass. I can't pick up my phone if I got lotion on my fingers.

You know, I gotta I phone six. This is sound Marie like separates. She puts a barrier up. She's like, no, I'm not picking up. I'm busy. But it's like, oh, we was just texting. I know you're not busy. Or when I call you were like what I'd be like, you're not, Like you're not excited to hear met bus Sidney.

If I have your voice every damn day, several times a day, why would I be excited to hear it like the ninth time? Like we don't have to speak on the phone, like seven times a day. Like how often do okay, y'all will listen to this right now, how often do you talk to your friend, your one friend if it's a.

Good friend, yes, on the phone in a day? Oh at least twice? Yeah, but you're picking up the phone and calling this person you're not you're not, you're gonna disrespect the text message. Seven years ago, people used to actually pick up the phone and talk.

Girl.

That sounds so because there was daytime minutes and then there was three minutes.

Like no, people didn't talk before nine pm because daytime minutes would run out.

So people be like, you'll call me at nine oh two, Okay, So people would talk at night and it would be a real conversation. And that's the time that I made my friends on weekday nights, AH nights and weekend nights and weekend Monday through Friday. So a lot of friendships is based on talking. So when you're drunk and you're partying, you have real, in depth conversations where somebody's just baring their soul. They're like, you know, I never really got

See that's the other thing that I'm I'm not good at that cradling move that you just did right there.

I think I just cried like two hours ago, and you were like, Sydney, just.

When I tell you, I moved over on the couch and almost fell down. I was like, nah, you.

Were like Sydney, I just don't like, don't please, don't cry. I said, please, don't get none of those tears on this ropper. It's going back tomorrow. You're like, I'm not dry cleaning this, please.

This is rayon I have.

And you have to be there for good moments and bad moments as a friend. But thood ones are not the good ones though, but the bad ones knows that I can depend on you, Like when everything's going great, of course you're gonna hang out. Of course You're like, why would you not but lose your job, Marie have no money. I mean, I'm still your friend, so like, I'm sorry, Waite, I'm sorry. Is that a hypothetical, yes, hypothetically.

I mean I've lost mentye a job, but I've never cried to you about.

It because I'm a thunk.

And also, yeah, I probably lost my job because.

I stole Okay, are you relate like two hours late? Yeah? You like she and shangha why I gotta be all the time?

Yeah that was true. And I got fired because she called me and I was on the bridge coming into work and I was like, I'm in the.

Office and she was like, why do I hear water? And I was like ah, and she called the office again. They were like, she said, you were at the pharmacy. She's like, I am at the pharmacy. Yeah, I was.

I was lying at work and I didn't wasn't gonna show up and then I got fired anyway, So thank you for putting my business.

On this sitting. You're obviously an expert at running your mouth show, am so, so what's the craziest? Like your friend calls you at three o'clock in the morning and it's like, Sydney, please come sit with me. My boyfriend broke up with me and he left me on Staten Island. I would go immediately to the bodega, get a pepper turkey sandwich with monster cheese and salt, pepper and vinegar, and I would make sure it's on a roll and not a hero. Would you bring a side of chips?

Would you ask her to Venmo? You fort the Uber?

No? You jumping on a train like a regular poor person train to Staten Island. I mean, I don't even know if I don't have any friends in Staten Island. So this is like not real situation. But say, for instance, you're in the Bronx, Marie.

I would never do that. But okay, hypothetically I'm in the door.

If you were in the Bronx, I would come. I would drop everything. I'd be like, yo, Marie, is I think? I think? I felt like a tear was gonna come. Well, you know, I gotta get different though, But that's different.

If I called you and I was crying, you would know that the world was about to end.

Yeah, because I would never my sister gonna die. My sister isn't trouble.

Sidney, Please come quick, remy.

Yes, that's exactly what I would be like, Yo, I gotta get there, like I gotta get to my friend. Like that's it.

You would really have have you done that before?

Absolutely? I was there for my friends so much that that's why when you see them, they're like Yo, Sidney was there when such and such went down, and you know Sidney can't fight, but she was there. It was just there like, hey, I'm here to document it.

That is wild to me because I was there for my friends when fights were about to go down, because I was always the youngest of all my friends. So I would go and I was always the loudest one, and I was always the one waving my little arms the highest because we would try to get the girl to hit me because I was under eighteen, so that she could get arrested.

Ah, was such a good friend, Like such a good friend. Nobody ever got arrested because nobody ever hit me because like, look at my face, why would they hit me anyway? So hashtag I'm a good friend, You're dumb, no one whatever? Anyway, So what's the what's how is somebody a crappy friend? Like what's a bad friend? Ah, somebody who's stay having drama and getting you involved. Like if you're calling someone all the time and just dumping the bullshit on them,

Like I can't you know, yeah, yeah, no, I get that.

I went to the hospital like manship popped off. And then after that you're like, well, you know we can't be friends now, Well, you can't be friends with somebody who doesn't want to fix their raggedy ass life. Some people like that drama well and what they notice what they want. Some people have to go through it and just and you have to be there when it happens and let them know, like like.

What if you got like church in the morning, just invite them the jury, Sidney, these listen I'm not the only one listening right now who thinks this, Because you can't be enabling these raggedy ass friends who might not turn around and do the same.

Thing for you. Well, that's what you toxic friendship. This is what you learn. You learn that everything that you do is should be because it's inside of you and you want to do it. You're most likely nine times out of ten, you're not gonna get any of that. It's not gonna be reciprocated because if you're giving, given, giving, giving, giving.

They just gonna keep taking.

Yeah, they're gonna take. So now I'm going a point in my life where I'm very focused on me and I'm missing a lot of shit like weddings, baby showers. If the funeral happens, I will be there. Well, I'll get to that, but for the most part, shut up. Yeah, I gotta put the Snapchat filter on it. I gotta put the doggy filter in the casket this way filter. I gotta put the Coachella flowers on Uncle Raymond, put

Excuse me, lazy gentlemen, you know what time it is show time.

I'm not gonna sell girl Scout cookies or fruit fruit snacks. Like this is comedy is my life. It's my last. So you're putting your raggedy as friendships on that raggedy because you've got good friends. I have really good youth too, But I mean the friends that.

I have are good too. I mean you don't know any of them because they all like pin pals that are locked up whatever, right, But like I have a lot of really good friends too. But like I got friends that like I won't speak to for like weeks and months at a time, and then when I see them, we pick right up where we left off.

Yeah that's me.

Or like awesome friends.

Those are very important and you have to understand. I remember when I was younger, I would think like somebody couldn't come to somebody, not a friend. But that's as an adult, you're like, yo, people can't come. They got lives, they got things. They will make their priority for things that are super important. So it's different now, like we're older.

A lot of my friends are like they got kids now because they stupid, or they have like husbands, or.

They got like gluten allergies, Like they just can't make terrible people.

They have things happening. So that's naturally. What happens as you get older is your life. It's no longer about your friends, but it's about your family.

And that's the guest thing I've ever said. I mean, you're just putting down the bricks right now. You're building a home, like you're building the projects. All the words of wisdoms that you're dropping right now. People they're not ready for this, they really are not. So do you have.

Any statistics for us, any facts, any hard concrete friendship words.

Eighty percent of the population only has like two or three friends, and yet here you are with ninety two friends. There it is, how do you do you talk to these people? Every day? Oh? God, but y'all, what a lot of group chats a lot of group chats, you know how many? I mean like two and I muted both of them. I know I'm in probably both of them. And then you'll message me like, yo, the group they are still talking. You're like, yes, it's a group chat.

Girl, and I me need my coin.

Or like I went to jail and you were like, oh, well, I'm shooting for oxygen. But you know they if they already cut the check, I got to do the job. You're like, you know this is digital content, digital content. I can't it's very topical encouragents and then you're like, so I get out at six, what time is visitations at jail visitations, the visitations, how does that work?

And you'll be in jail like locked?

Will let me? I got corn rolls and everything. Everything I got the cleo set it off, jump off.

But I feel like I'm glad you know that I would not come until after I was still with work.

Oh, I know that's why you are in my top five. Okay, but you're okay.

But you know what, you shouldn't call me no fresh like from jail, because I'm probably not gonna have like good reception. I'm not gonna be able to call you back if the call get dropped.

Also, if I hear collect call from such and such a facility, would you like to accept the charges? I'd be like hell not be like, is it Charles again, It's like, no, it's Sydney.

I'd be like, is it du Wayne? Is that du Wayanne on the phone?

I feel like you're being a better friend since you're doing better.

What it is is because I'm just trying to be a better person. Because I'm somebody who will take take, take, take, tic take, because you're gonna give it to me. I'll be like, well, you know, I'm just gonna take this. But I'm trying to be more considerate. I feel like we've had some talks where you've been like, yo, you greedy as hell and you selfish, and I be like, did you say selfless?

And like true, I'm like, so I need to FaceTime to see your face. So I'm trying to be a better queen, friend, friend, queen right, companion. No, that sounds like day day. That sounds like Gail and Oprah. Yeah, or Stedman in Oprah. You don't want to be Gail and Oprah?

Well, who would be Gail? Because I don't want to be Gaale?

And neither do you?

Can we both be old b We're Will and Grace. We're Carlton and Will were Hillary and Jeffrey. We're Carl Winslow and Edward.

What about bad boys?

We're We're Diddy and Lune.

We are not Diddy and Luon. I said bad boys, Will Smith and Martin Lawrence. Oh okay, Mike, we are.

I think what's another duo? We're the people from the X Files. Wherever the hell of those white people are?

Yeah?

Cool, we're Tony Brixton and baby Face. Come on to give me something. Mariah and Jamaine Duprie that is terrible.

I feel like we're de Bratt and uh Jamaine Duprie.

Oh, who's wait?

Aliyah and Missy Elliotts and Tim miss and Tim Missy and Tim Missy and Tim. I don't know if there's still friends like that now, Oh come on, I can't stand the ring. But when they were in there, like high times, they were like super friends.

Oh and then Adrian can be Magoo. Remember, yeah, but where is Magoo? I mean he's obviously working at like a wall. Adrians is not Magoo Adrian? You magoo Haboo or we.

Sw V with Adrian because they're still together, you know that to make appearances and everything.

I mean to go see you get so I get my phone bill because they can't pay the bills on time.

No, listen. I would go to their concert if it was four. If it was and ma listen, they might be listening to the podcast, so I love Okay, Well, Suv, if you listen to the podcast, can you come down and tell us what you're experts at so that we can talk to you about Yeah, where your life went left? So I have five things to be a good friend. I spit them facts out know that it ain't about you, and no, it ain't all about you. That's why you're off the friendless Number one is it ain't all about you?

I thought that it was always about me. What do you mean know when it is about you?

Yeah? Know, when maybe time to like insert yourself.

That's hard. I think it should be. No, when it's not about you.

That's what's the first one. No, the first one, it ain't all about you. And then to know when it is about you.

But if it's if I have a problem that I'm dealing with my friends with, then I know it's about me.

I feel like that one is wrong. Now some point, can you cite your source on that one with the bibliography looking the Black Planet meets dot com dot com? Okay? Number three, Know that when you give, you might not get what verses that Colossians six two is that Ephesians that is in the new text, When you give, you might not get. I know niggas in the back like take your time, now, take your time?

Can you one more time for the listeners?

Repeat number three? Because I didn't quite get that. T. D. Jake said, No, when you give, you might not get. So everything should be from the hot somebody get the praying shawl from the hot.

When you give, you might not get you might not.

And then you have to be present. You can't just do the social media thing. You can't just the text. It's not enough. You gotta go make an effort and see someone in person and be like, I want to make sure all your parts are together. I had a friend that I would talk to you all the time, but I didn't see her for years, and then I saw her and I was like, You're like, girl, you ain't got no legs, you are missing half your face. What's going on? And she was like dealing with mad stuff?

Yeah, those are the people who ain't got no friends or selfie sticks.

Or they could have had a stroke in the other side of their face. She looked like she had a stroke, like, oh my god, did she have a how she was his friend? She was old? No, she was mige. Oh my gosh, she was old. Shut up, you're idio.

So she Yeah. I mean, I think that's something that with social media, we it's easy to kind of forget that because we are online all the time. And then sometimes you get with your friend y'all not even talking to each other because you're both in your phone.

Or just taking pictures. Well, I mean, leave you and you can step my followers up. N t way, what's number five? And number five is when you get older, you realize, you know, priorities are different and you might move in terms of like levels, but that's the journey. You gotta stay for the journey. You can't just I'm sorry that one got a little too Nicholas sparks for

I'm gonna tell you what. I'm gonna tell you why.

If they're not doing shit, that's one thing.

But you like trying to go to work and you're trying to get married and you're trying to like remodel your kitchen and they still like you always go to the club, get this bottle, and you're like, no, I have bills, and they're like, come on, minute, about only.

Three fifty, let's go to the club. Michael.

Those friends, you gotta let those friends.

Go, right. Yeah. But if you're a friend, that's like, oh, I'm not doing what you're doing in terms of like starting a family, but I am doing something that's for myself that means important to me. You still stay in the same circle.

Yeah, I mean I think naturally as we get old, like you, I think, just naturally people just fall It's you start to fall out of friendships with people and you make other friends who maybe have like similar paths that you.

Na Man, I like to have different types of people around, because I need to see different levels. I can't be around the same struggling people be around the same people were just doing well. I just didn't have two different circles to like make me stable and know what's really out there.

Yeah, but also to motivate you mm hmm yeah.

And so when you just cancel all those people out, you never get to see like what the inside is and like what's going on. And you want to be a party girl. We've been doing this for this many years, and now I'm gonna stop talking to you because you're married. That's not cool.

I mean, unless she married somebody ugly, I mean, I get it. So I feel like we learned a lot to do. We really freaking did, Marie. I feel like we are great experts. We are so freaking smart. I mean the statistics I had. I had a pie chart.

I left it at home, but I was gonna I used the red marker in everything. I really wanted some pie. I made a Venn diagram.

Okay here and they look like titties, but it was like a legit Vann diagram.

I wish I could have brought it. It would have been it would have been so spectacular, it would have been so good. Next next week, Yeah, we'll pop that in. So I think this was a great first episode.

I think that they're only going to get better because we're gonna get better at this.

Yeah, because we're gonna have more people. You know, it's not going to just be us.

Know that you guys want that.

Yeah, And we're just gonna be exploring different topics about some really important and some just like foolish. Yeah.

I mean, we have like a really awesome lineup of guests. We have a lot of really really funny comedians. We have a lot of friends people, We have a lot of city, got a lot of friends. I'm gonna invite family, Thank you. My dad might come and do an episode. He's how to be a Haitian Ashy Man, Oh.

My god, bring him. No bye, Bobby, He's not gonna go. But we have like a really awesome kind of concept and we think that y'all are going to really enjoy what we're doing.

So stick with us.

Yes, you might learn something. We have to plug different things that we're doing. We have a monthly show together that's a Karme Lounge. It's every second Saturday and it's free ninety nine.

It's so free. It's the second Saturday of every month, and it's an amazing show. It happens every satur every month at seven thirty.

Cool seven thirty at Karmel Lounge.

And then if you want to find.

Us on social media, we out in the streets. Baby, what's your uh? What's your Instagram? Your? My Instagram is really R three e's z y r e e e Z so simple, it's so easy.

I mean, just follow me on that.

My YouTube is on that. Oh yeah, we had and m videos on there. Your videos just like just mad stuff you can pull from. And then my Instagram is just sid j u s t s y d s y d. Yeah. I was like, what's my name? So it's j u s t s y d b W. And then on Twitter it's just sid n YC. Just sid n y c. Yeah. Perfect, Yeah, that's I mean, really, if you find one of us, you gonna find the other. Pretty much. We're all up in through each other's social media because we begin tox.

We betweeting each other, while we're texting each other, while we're facime each other, while we're sitting next to each other.

The les all of the I.

Like that song, but I like you, Sydney, like you. Who's listening to this?

Right?

Oh my god, we like you as well. Get to work or home or to bed in one piece and we will see you gosh dart it next week.

But god but no. Okay bye. This has been an unofficial expert and you're so much smarter now because you listen to this. Hello, okay, goodbye bye