Call Me Regular

Forever. Okay, talking talking talking, talking to.

Me, swuking' swalking talking talking to me, swaking at me, talking to me.

It's swaking at me, looking at me? Is that our news? New Piet swalking in swalking talking s walking at me.

That would be a great podcast talking talking. No, they would not allow it. I think there would be like music I would love, is it?

We should do it? Wish a Marie?

Yeah, what team she got behind her, her SONY don't care, her husband, HER's her husband and she cares.

Okay, but we're.

Bringing awareness to Amory and her music that came out in the early two thousand.

Remember she fought for that song that j Lo was gonna gonna song this song? Oh is this one thing they got me FIBs? Yep, that was gonna be j LO. Honestly, don't you do that.

We're not doing that.

I mean A mari is not known for being an A plus vocalist, so and j Loo can't sing, so really the song would It probably sounded the same, is what I'm saying.

Shut up. I'm glad that Emery fought for that song.

That song was number one, It was everywhere it was in It was in soundtracks and whatnot.

People love to black people movies and black people radio stations. J LOO would have been mainstream.

Hello the Unofficial Expert with Marie problematic Foston.

And Sydney diluted Washington. Sock get sock and sock gets sucking in me.

Hey, I am at Sydney's house covered in cat hair.

Stop it, yes, stop it. Facts, don't do this. This is my air podcase, is it? I'm put it in my side. Okay, great, I have mine over here too. Don't say that. Some people are listening, who don't they do, but they understand.

Stop Marie, you got two cats? It's how bad? Is it?

It's pretty bad. I see the white hairs. I mean you're trying to say that these is your white hairs.

No, listen.

The only way for there to be no cat here is I just ordered a new vacuum. I'm going to be vacuuming every day. Okay, every day. It's a new vacuum. The one I have now is with thirty dollars, and it actually vacuums like it's thirty dollars.

I can't be mad. Right, they was not giving dyce in anything.

No, right, no, And then I'm gonna get the rolling sticky thing, the lit brush.

Get that too, the lit roller. Yeah, I'm going to do one of them. You're going to do the blankets and the pillows are you'll do the plant like what you call lint roll. I'm gonna do everything, the cats. Everything is going to be let roll. If you're not gonna lit roll the cats, then did I take my meds? I think I did. That feels like something you should know. I should knew.

I shouldn't know that, But you know, sometimes I put it down and I don't have a glass of water near it, and then because of my ad D, I'm all over the place.

Right, But let's is there water in the glass or no? Yeah it is. That's your glass. That's as Hommiday on it.

Well, the thing about Carolina's wayward home for you know, battered wives, everything her stuff is my.

Stuff, right because Hamaday is Carolina's husband, Yes, but his mug is at your house?

Is here right now? There's a stranger in my house. Girl.

Imagine I was having an affair with holidays, straight affair with holiday. We would have to type that up real quick. That's a great short film. Horror, horror, why, that's not a horror for you, right, Okay, I think I was calling you a whore. Oh I either way, horror horror, horror, horror, horror, horror, horror. That's a good that's it. Okay, write that down. See Okay, if you guys can't tell, Andrew is not here.

Today, we're not on the zoom.

We're not on the zoom today, so we have to keep track of our freaking titles today.

Marie, are you gonna do that? Yeah, I'm don't get in the notes.

Okay, thank you. Okay, a stranger in my house, that's a good one too.

Well, I don't know. Talking to me, talking talking, talking talking at me.

No, the first thing, the first thing we say can't be of the episode. Why because people listen specifically for us to figure out what it is. Fine, fine, but write it down. Talking talking, talking, talking at me.

You gotta do talking four time, swalk and swalk and swak and swak, swalking to me.

We're dragging this, okay. So Marie, we have not seen each other.

It feels like for two months, a month, a month. Honestly, I was like, Sydney's not coming back.

That's a lie. I'm saying that's a lie. I said, Sydney's not coming back. You're saying that's a lie that I said that. Yeah, well, Sins, how many times did you extend your trip? I will tell you this, after twelve days of LA, you need to go back home. I don't care if it's like, unless you're booked the whole time, you cannot have idle time in LA.

It's just not smart.

It's detrimental to your well being if you go.

To dinner or meet up with people.

Eventually, no, up top, we're talking about scripts things that they booked, and I'm just here like.

Well, I love my girlfriend, yeah and I love being with her. Yeah.

And they're like, okay, So anyway, because I was in that Sony that the meeting with Sony, you know what I'm saying, you were trying to give us a bad deal.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So my manager says, you guys got to come better than that.

Yes, you guys, guys, you guys.

Guy says So my manager said, yeah, my agent was actually at that meeting with Lucy Lou.

Yeah.

So then Drew Barry and it's like, yeah, I don't want to talk about this.

Tell him, tell him that's a good title. My agent was at lunch with Lucy Lou. That's too long.

I'm not writing that down. It's too long on the thing.

Okay, fine, all right, you're right. So I was like, after what I was like, I had a panic attack. I was like, I have to get fucking home. I have to get home.

You said, twelve days after being in I let you had a panic attack. Yes, but then you were there for another thirty nine days.

Yeah?

Yeah, were you waiting for the Jet Blue ticket prices to come down?

Bitch? Something is wrong with me, yes, something is fucking wrong with this. I don't know anybody who's listening. Can you please let me know what fucking disease I have. I will wait till a fucking ticket is a thousand dollars, then I'll book it right, And no matter what, no matter what I said, you should book it now it's two hundred and fifty dollars.

And she'll be like, I'm a boocket.

Marie is the price checker. Okay, she she updates me like no other.

I'm like, babe, is that three hundred today? Yeah? And then and then.

She'll be off her job for a week and it's a thousand dollars.

No, no, no, no, no, I'm not off my job. I bought my ticket already. I'm no longer checking the prices, right, Okay, so when I buy mine the price checker, I'm clocked out, babe, I'm no longer on.

The Okay, she's clocked out, babe. That's the title. Thank you what she's clocked.

Out, babe? Clock out for me cd M. I'm just gonna put clocked down.

I don't like she's clocked out, bab, but okay, I guess I'll put it down.

So anyway, I was in La, Marie, did you miss me? Honestly, Sydney.

No, She the bitch moved on and I was like, what the fuck?

I was like, is she gonna remove my title? What's the title? Baby best friend?

Well, well moved to La. I was like, this is what it's gonna be when Sydney moves to La for real. And I was like, I kicked a can down the street by myself.

And I was like, oh, bye, my say every day every day Jesus.

And I was like, wow, Marie, can I tell you guys what she said to me recently?

Please tell them?

I fucking FaceTime her life every day, like every call like normal?

How many times like normal? No, Sidney not like normal, Marie.

We've been facetiming for fucking years. Now sudden Sydney hits me. No, no, no, no, let me know, let me finish.

Sidney's not like normal. Yes, we've been facetiming for years. But you used to also call me regular. You don't call me regular?

No, call me regular. That's that's a great. Call me regular. You call me regularly. That is a title, bitch, right and down right now, stay in the moment. I am. I am sharing my truth. They talk talk say it.

You used to call me regular, And now Sidney would be like across the street from my house and she'll face time me, or she'll be I don't know, on the toilet but naked and chill face time me or whatever she's doing. And then it's like, sis, you, every call doesn't have to be a FaceTime call. And she was, and she was fake upset about it, or actually really upset about it. But it was like, I'm weaning everybody

I said, I said this on a podcast.

I said, if you are looking at your phone and seeing that people were not returning your text messages, they are declining your FaceTime. They not hitting you back in the DMS is because they are vaccinated and they are out and they don't give a damn.

They're like they have.

Used you for the time being of the of the panmorama, and it's They're like, it's over, We're out.

There's there is literally no reason to keep in contact. No, there's no reason why every call needs to be a FaceTime.

Look, I just want to be in my house with my conditioner in my hair and my shower cap on and my my titties lathered up with soap and know that I don't have to pick up the phone and angle it weird on FaceTime.

You can just call me regular, call me by your face time, call me and I pick up.

Call me by your face time.

If you call me regular, it's more likely you have a ninety eight percent chance that I'm gonna pick up the phone. But if it's a FaceTime, I'm gonna look at it for a really long time before I pick it up or before I ignore it.

I've always said this that the reason why I FaceTime people is because you're less likely the lie. I can look into your eyes and see your soul and know that you're not doing well.

Na, Sis, it's chap. Yes, I call people. I'm fine. No, No, I'm fine. No you're not. Okay, you don't. That's not what you'll be facetiming me. For.

First of all, you have a rolodex of niggas that you FaceTime on a daily basis.

I need you to stop saying that on on social platform roller deckxs I.

And when I say negroes, I mean white women, white men, black women, black men, everybody, black cat.

She Sidney be having.

Meetings with people's new babies, she'd be facetiming people's cats those things.

Yes, you want to see the baby, great, you want to see the cats. Love that for you. But so you're saying I have to face time with a purpose.

No, I'm saying every call doesn't have to be a FaceTime. And also, Sidney, let's be honest. Sometimes you FaceTime me and your skin, your face be done, your eyebrows be drawn on, and I'm looking like just an ashy missed the potato head, and I'd be like, I don't. I'm not gonna be looking at my face.

Over the head of Sydney's sexy face.

I'm like, I don't. I don't have it in me. Neither does my self esteem.

As mister potato head is a great a great title, and I need you to write.

I need you to write it down. Poor for hor you gotta get out.

Okay, the next time you say something, I'm just gonna repeat it and shout that's the title. Okay, I'm gonna start screaming merch when you start sharing your pain with me, that's the title.

Is a perfect title. Just so you know Marie.

First of all, Marie has perfect teeth, so she actually makes me feel self conscious whenever I get on FaceTime because I'm always her teeth are white, well not only white, but they're straight, and she has no spaces. But I still, I still take it. I put my ego aside and I face to check on you.

You put your side. I do, Thank you, sis.

And speaking of egos, my girl is doing so well on Instagrams and just social media. People are talking you were in the streets everywhere.

Everyone's talking about everybody. Everybody everybody's like, so funny, Marie, so funny. Oh you're talking about that Comedy Central clip that they posted. Just everything, what where you have to stop. You have to stop. I do have to stop. You have to stop talking like this girl.

It's just when I do come, it's just when I do stuff with them, allegedly, I don't be happy with it. Allegedly, you have to say allegedly, I'd said allegedly, allegedly, allegedly, allegedly, allegedly, Marie, I think you think about that about everything though, and like you're phenomenal everything you do.

I'm like, that's my friend, and I'm embarrassed. I'm embarrassed to be you know this. This is just Sydney on the side.

Sitting me on the side, sitting on that bull of shit. Wow do we miss being in the studio? I think I do.

I mean I recorded a couple of different people's episode like podcasts in the studio and it just feels good.

And we gotta get some cameras. You were in the studio. Where were you when I did? Uh? See?

The thing is, oh yeah, yeah, they're in the studio and they feed you, they give you food before you record.

I was like, oh, it was wine in the studio.

I said, oh, wow, imna have to leave forever.

Allegedly you're so I got to get another other job.

No, but yeah, they Yeah, you sit on the couch and there's like a bunch of camera people in the room, just like recording a wide shot and then individual shots.

No. I saw it. I was like, I was. I saw the clips. I listened. I was like, this was this is great. I think we need to I think we need to go.

A lot of conversation about anything and everything in topics. I mean, they let you know what the topic is. They then have like a chalkboard of like titles.

They send you the topics the morning and I was like, oh, this is it's professional.

We don't have no topics for today.

We don't because this is us having a real power since I left. And you know, you can't. You can't put us in a box right now. It's just unboxed, unboxed, unboxed box.

You know.

I feel like I want to scale back. I'm going to say that on are you going to scale back? I have to let this be known. I'm scaling back.

You scaling what back?

I'm scaling back as like as open as I have to scale back.

Wow, Yeah, I think it's I think it's time.

I feel like it's okay to just say anything and everything to show my cooch, like I have to stop.

Oh my goodness, Yes, Sidney, we had to talk to HR about that.

Yeah, yeah, I understand, And so I just have to I have to reel it in and I have to start with the pod.

So now the listeners want to know.

You say scaling back, but they feel like you've already kind of skilled back.

So what does that mean you're going to be on here talking about.

I know the fans want to know. The fans do want to know. I mean they complain, they complain. They're like, Sidney, what exactly are you bringing? And I'm like, that's not true.

I have love to say something it's not true, it's not it's not true.

I feel like I definitely have a different perspective and anything that you are talking about, I'm gonna say that's wrong.

So if all you wanna do is say it's wrong, but you're not dragging nobody. I am dragging not telling us your business, I am telling my Are you you just said you're gonna skial back. I think what it is is that.

Anybody and everybody can listen to this and whether you whether you know it or not, there are some secret listeners. There's some people that are listening but that you would never know. It's like, yes, lurking listeners. A lot of people in the comedy community, you know, they're just trying to figure.

Out in industries listening.

They listening to this podcast right now so they can write their little screenplay.

Yeah, you know.

I wouldn't put it past someone to have gone back on old episodes of ours, take certain experiences that we've had and turn it into something because we are one of a kind.

We're one of a kind like Mary Kay and Ashley and we're the Magic school Bus. So magic school Bus? Is that one of the kind? What are we? I don't know. I just felt like that went with what we were talking about. Sorry, strike that from the record overalled edit. This is a great time to put it in an ad.

Ad to put the commercial break in there. Wait, so did we ever figure out if you took your meds or not?

I don't know. I don't know. So what happens if you take it twice? I don't think that's good, friend.

I'm gonna it's better to just like, yeah, wait till the next day, because you don't need to pile it up.

You definitely don't need to pile it up.

That's that's they specifically say, Hey, if you don't know if you took your mad, definitely don't double up.

Just wait till the next day.

Wow, friend, Yeah, I mean you sound real at ease about this, like you're not even worried about it.

Well, I'm definitely on edge. My anxiety is to the roof. It's to the roof. I got home from a gorge.

And I was like, I have to come back to New York and be miserable.

Why you don't have to be miserable in New York anymore, Sydney. The sun is coming out, people are doing things outdoors. Are you going to be stepping out? Are you staying e I d House. We both did shows last week. Yeah, in real life.

Yeah.

And you know, comedy is exciting again because people are excited to be outside.

So what are you gonna do?

The net is coming back, guys, We're gonna we're gonna put up the tickets. You if you don't buy a ticket, please don't text me and be like, hey, I'm I don't want to hear none of that.

We don't have it. We don't have We don't have a room to pick nobody. It's above me. It's above me. There's the best Western across the street. It's above me.

I just know it's very limited seating, and you know the tickets are gonna go quick boom gone by the time this episode comes out with ticket's.

Gonna be gone from We're gonna sold out.

It's gonna be like it's gonna be like twelve tickets available, so you can't get one of the twelve.

I would I suggest you while you're listening, you go on the website right now and see if the tickets available.

Don't care what Sydney waiting on a flight to go to it down. It's gonna be gone. It's great.

Can you believe how much we have another trip coming up?

Don't say it like that, say casual.

We don't want Scootny to be upset with us, so we have another trip coming up. When you say another trip coming up, it sounds like we're taking a lot of trips, But honestly, you're taking more trips than me.

Well, it's actually a friend of ours that's taking more trips than both of us combined. But yeah, we're gonna gotta we gotta get out again, right, So we're taking a trip, you know, just a little getaway and local local.

Yeah, I paid so much money for those tickets. I'm embarrassed.

I'm embarrassed too because we're on the same exact flight and my tickets didn't cost that much. But realistically, Sidney, you really thought I was gonna just keep giving you the price now every single.

No, no, no, right, that was I don't know. I think my mento, my mental illness is my mento, Well what's my mento?

My mental and my mental illness is that I can't respond to emails and ever. I also can't do like basic things like I'll put off something that's gonna take me ten minutes to do for six weeks.

Same and then when I finally do it, I'd be like, I think, I.

Think we're twin souls, Marie, twin Peaks. I never saw twin Peaks, me neither, but it just it felt right. Twin Peaks. Uh, yeah, I mean we I think we've been talking about this for over a year, about us not.

Being able to do basic things. It's hard. It's really hard. Like it's just like, I don't know, are you about to cry? No? But if I did, what would you do?

I was like, wait, okay, are we doing if I was about to cry that? Thank you for sham wearing my tears.

You don't have to cut the cut.

Cut the camera, dead assas, cut the camera, todd ass.

Yeah, we've been talking about this for over a year, but we're on the other side of it now.

I think, yeah, I mean we're coming out of this better. I will say I know.

I said that out loud because this is this is what we have to say. Marie.

Anything that we're thinking, we have to say the opposite. And then you keep saying that you gotta fake it till.

You make it. Oh, you have to Okay, you have to do it, Marie. Anything you're thinking, you have to say the opposite. You have to. Mmm. You're like, opsh man, I can't do anything. I am doing it all mm boom, So you be doing that. I yes, I do be doing it. I wish you guys see this. Yes, I swear to you.

I was I was talking to somebody who was I saying, who is I fucking talking to?

Oh?

I was saying that, uh, Oh, I think I was talking to Larry. I was like, it's just so much better to do something with someone else because even if you both are feeling like, oh fuck, I don't want to do this, it's lifted off your shoulders. Now, it doesn't feel like work. It's it's just fun, you know what I mean. And that's how I feel when I'm with you. I'm like, why don't why don't Why aren't we just on stage together all the time?

Then it doesn't feel like work.

You're trying to go on the road as a duoy. You're trying to go on the road as a duel.

Like when we when it's time to file our taxes, we do it as a duo. Yo.

My accountant told me I need to call him today and I was like, yeah, yeah, Well because he send me an email that had mad questions in it seven days ago, and you know, shout out to Google for letting you, like hitting you with the little nudge you received this seven days ago?

Do you want to respond Gmail? Right?

So I responded to him this morning and he was like, can you call me today? So He's like, you have W two's and ten ninety nine from last year and also killing me. So I was like, I don't know, struggling, Marie, I'm supposed to still have that stuff.

I want, I need, I need them to up my meds. There's no I am, Marie. I think I think I did. Allegedly I did. Yeah, whatever I said was exactly.

I know.

We know I need more miligrams. Why I don't know, I do well, I do know. I feel like my anxiety is back like before. I wouldn't feel anything like. Every time I think that I would be about to be anxious about something, it's like I'm calm, I'm.

Chill, no worries, But now it's in my throat. Sydney. I think everybody's anxiety is going up.

Me.

Let me tell you how mine manifest Talk to me. Talk to me. It takes me.

If I have to be somewhere, Let's pull out a time at twelve o'clock, twelve thirty, it takes me so long to get ready to leave my house that by the time I start getting ready, I'm already probably late preach right, So then after I'm ready, I'm dressed, I got whatever on my hat, my wig, my do rag. And then it takes me further to actually leave because I'm like, I should pee?

Should I change? Are these the shoes? Alexa? What's the weather? Alexa? What's the weather? Like I'm looking out the window.

But also I have this like crippling anxiety that I'm gonna have on too much clothes or not enough clothes when I go outside, Like I'm like, am I gonna be hot in this?

You know? In my anxiety? The jacket is the jacket for me? Right? What kind of jacket for me?

It's I'm like, I'm gonna be I look crazy with this bubble jacket all but it might be twenty three degrees all of a sudden, right right, It's fucked.

Because we're in that that crappy area where it's like it could be warm during the day, but then at night it's cold.

No, it's always bad.

And then I was forty minutes to a show the other night, forty minutes because I just fucking couldn't. I was like, I hate these pants. The pants don't fit. Oh I like the pants. I like the top of the pants with the bottom of the bands look crazy. Oh my god, it fits under over my ass, but my stomach, my gut is coming over the bands right.

It was like, what size was I before this pandemic? The fuck?

Sometimes you would order pants that were too small. Stop it you, I will, I will you on the record. You're saying this on the record. You never ordered pants that were too small for you.

Because the lies that you do.

You never ordered pants that were too small for you. I have pairs of your pants at my house that you ordered that were.

Too small for you.

Okay, that was during the pandemic, though, we need to stop saying when the pandemic. It's still going on, guys, COVID is still out here, And did you know I don't know if I should say this, this.

Is you should probably say it. Did you know.

That you could get vaccinated and still get COVID but you won't die. You can still you could still get it, but you won't die. You can still pass it.

I thought the vaccine was like it made you, like you know when you spray your tims with.

Like waterproof stuff and water like beads off. I thought the vaccine was like that spray.

No, you can get it, but it's it doesn't kill you. It's like you're because you're you're still like immune to it a little bit, but you can still pass it on to other people who don't, who are not protected.

That's why everybody needs to get vaccine. So you can still get COVID.

Yes, do you get the vaccine, Yes, but but you won't die because your body already has it in the system or whatever. That's what That's what I heard. That's what I read. Don't read that front all the way. Listen to me, but listen to me. Is this a Sydney fact in the New York Times hashtag Sydney fact.

I need somebody to check a Sydney fact for me or favor.

Yeah. So yeah, that yo, Marie. We have the same thing. But probably everybody is doing the same thing.

That's what I'm saying.

Everyone's anxiety levels are higher because what we are excited to go back outside. More people are vaccinated. Stuff is opening up, stuff is saying open later. The subway I think runs till two am now instead of eleven pm.

Whatever. But like I don't know, I don't want to.

Carry you jacket around all day if I don't need it, But I also don't want to not have something on and my nipples are hard and I can't properly full my you know what I mean.

So that, but then the jackets are holding us back, right, But then.

When we do get outside, people feel good to be around people, but it also feels weird to be around people.

Well right now, it's it's just it's one of those wacky gray areas that I mean, some people are gonna wait it out. They're like, I'm not getting out there until first of all, it's hot, okay, you know what I mean, where we don't even have to think about a jacket or clothes, right, you know you can you crap topies.

Ropp and your croptop panties. Crap top Okay, that's a title. Cropped up hand you write that down.

I write it crept up you grab it down, Marie Sham can you give me my note book.

It's just it's actually funny when we just have a list of stuff so that people can see it. Actually, so even if you don't want it to be a title, it's something that it just feels like, you know, kind of a waste. City's on the bean bag. That's what that noise is in the background. Sorry, guys, yeah, so I feel like some people are not really gonna go out until maybe June, which is fine.

Yeah, what did you say that title was? I didn't crop top panties.

Yeah, I think that people are gonna wait. But then there's people who they've been ready to go back outside since.

I don't even know when. But I also am waiting for it to get warm.

But for me, the way that I am starting to feel, I just I can't not go outside at all for days and days at a time anymore. I have to go outside to get some air or take a lab or go to the grocery store. And I have to make sure that I see a friend on like a friend a day or a friend every couple of days. I just I can't the days are like better for me at the end of the day if I get home and I'm like, h that'saw my friend today? Yeah, like I with Carolina are my Tuesday friends?

Is that so for today?

Oh?

Okay, okay, all right.

I was like, well, because I see you today and you don't want to go upstairs and I'm not.

Going ahead do wor? I was like, is that on a schedule? It's on my schedule, It's on my it's on my schedule, Marie.

I want to hide underneath my bed. I'm not even lying. I'm so glad you're here, but I legit was two seconds away from canceling.

Why why yeah, why the fuck we just talked about?

I was like, I have like anxiety about me coming over here, know about doing stuff about I'm like, I literally want to hide underneath the bed and turn my phone off.

Well, since we have two patreons, two bonus, that's sooosed to record after this, sony, for you to get.

To get centered. Yeah, I will. What I What have I been doing? What have you done for me lately? Talking? Talking, talking, talking to me? I have been talking. I've been talking to you the whole time. Okay.

So another thing that has been like hitting me in the head.

Okay is health. Health is I need to go get a check up. Okay? Do you have insurance? I do have insurance. How do you think insurance? I have insurance?

How do you think I'm getting my medication? Friend, it's one hundred dollars a bottle. I'm not paying that one hundred dollars a bottle. Title, But that's a you thing, you know, that's not really a thing. I know, it's okay.

I can take that. I'm glad that you can be. I can take that if I remember, I can take it. If I remember. I haven't had a check up in years, years, years. I haven't had a check up in a while.

Do you remember a couple of years ago I woke up with like a crazy pain in my back.

And what did I think? I thought I was dying. I was like, like I could breathe, hoop, dying.

And I went to City MD because I did not have insurance, and they were like, it's gas. What And I was like what And they were like, it's gas. I guess the gas can travel up inside your body.

I thought I was dying to know that.

Yeah, well I do know that, Like heartburn is pretty sucky and you just got to take better care of yourself.

I did.

I did a cleanse for three days. You know, I didn't do it all the way right, but I did something. And my pee. I was like, there's no such thing as a golden shower. If your pea is not yellow, wait no, no, if it's coming out your coach or your peen, if it's p it's a golden shower. It is not if it's not yellow, if it's p it's a golden shower.

Babe. That's a good title.

It's a golden shower, it's not, it's not. So your definition of a golden shower is just yellow pea.

Yes.

So if someone peas on you during sex or sexually.

What is that? What is that called a rainfall? M summer rain? Carl Thomas?

We love him and you know Sydney your idiot r I P No, I just I need when's the last time you guys got your check up?

Can you? Can you talk to me.

The last time you let somebody pee on you or someone asked you to pee on them.

No, that's not an important question. It's not when was your last check what? People are dying left and right? A black rob dyed you know DMX dide and people are passing away.

Sure we were not healthy.

Yes, people are going through lots of things, but also sexually, what are you dealing with?

Babe?

Are people peeing on you? I actually have something that I want to read, a listener thing. Oh that's right, we have listener stuff, right, but we can't these some of 'a' wa No, but we have it. Yes, but Sidney.

We have a lot, so we have to say some for other days, but I did want to read this one.

I'm a skip because it's a lot. This is from Kenny.

Hey, Kenny, Okay, break up advice?

Sidny. Do you think you give good breakup advice? Yeah? Sure? Oh? Okay, great, say the opposite? Whoa I am?

An international human rights lawyer based in Nairobi, Kenya. Okay, Well, not tell y'all the people who listen to this podcast everywhere don't even live in the United States.

I probably love that for y'all.

Okay, I have been listening to the podcast for the last couple of years. Your mix of humor, realness, great guests, and finally including Andrew in more shows. Shout out to Andrew, who's not on this episode. Yeah, has been a constant part of my weekend routine.

Okay.

I got into a relationship with someone I came to really care about, and some could say love.

Ken he sounds like me.

Some could say love. I'm not gonna say love, but some could say love.

During the pandemic last year, even though I thought I would be okay with this breakup, we were open and he ended our relationship for someone else.

I took it really hard. I'm in my late.

Twenties and thought that the fact that I was older would make coping easier. My question is, what's been your experience when it comes to coping with breakups as you've grown older, and what are some of the lessons you've learned. Are breakups easier when you grow older. I'm gay and super focused on my career, and with super focused on my career when I was younger, so I didn't date a lot. Would really like your advice. Photo is of me post breakup. Okay, let me see him. Okay, let me see.

Where daddy come on.

Knees and kill Look at them, Megan, this Italian knees seezing caves, knees and calves.

Let's call him knees and calves.

Knees and calves, ken knees and calvesneasing calves.

We love.

But the phone is on your face, baby, We really wish you could see your face.

Yeah, but I mean he's going through a breakup, so he's like, you're gonna get these knees and.

Caves and we love that for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Okay.

So open relationship started during dating during the pandemic left them for somebody else.

I would be upset about that too. I don't care how open we are.

I think that like there's something about somebody like not choosing you, you know, and choosing somebody else.

Obviously that's gonna hurt, right, it's gonna hurt.

But it's better that they be with who they want to be with than like just stay with you.

Just because this is not advice for the person, Sydney. We are on Kenny, Team Kenny, hashtag team Kenny.

We gotta give you advice to Kenny, not the X that is.

Going no, no no. But I'm saying I'm also talking to Kenny. I don't want nobody who don't want to be kept right, So if you are upset that you weren't chose, you weren't chose. Even if that person would have stayed, they're thinking about, you know, piecing.

Out li Sen.

Breakups are a part of life, Okay, we've all dealt with breakups, some of us more recently than others.

They happen.

Even if you feel like even if you were mentally preparing for a relationship to end, when it.

Ends, it's still gonna hurt a little bit.

You're gonna be angry, you're gonna be sad, you're gonna be horny, you gonna be like, well, what the hell they're doing that I'm not doing or whatever. But I do think that the older you get, the easier it's supposed to get.

But I don't know.

Maybe some of our other relationships when we were younger were like less real, and when you're older they're more real.

But also, this was a pandemic.

But you met this person during the pandem and then they broke up with you during the pandem, So there's more weight on that stuff right now.

Because you felt like, well, we got together during the pandemic. This is what we have is like maybe a little bit stronger because you met me at a bad time. Right we're both going through a global pandem and we don't really have anywhere else to go.

Let's partner up.

Oh my god, you broke up with me, Like, I feel like a pandem relationship is less real sometimes?

Is that?

So?

Yeah? Wow? I can't relate. I can't fucking relate.

I think it's less real sometimes because we put extra weight on it. It's almost like if we had other distractions and other things to do right now, and we met this person that we were dating, we would be like less into them or it would be less intense. That's what I'm trying to say. I don't think that's the case for all of them. Here's my advice. Think about it as like, Wow, I'm free now to like get out there and date and have a good time.

Okay, positivity and knowing what you want. Sis, I love that for you. Thank you, Okay, thank you. What are some of the lessons that you've learned through breaking up? Through a breakup, do you have anything that you wanted to share a friend?

I will say, I will I will say when you are breaking up, like, don't drag that shit on, don't drag it.

On, drip it off like a band aid. Yeah, just get.

Out everything that you needed to say, yeah, and then be done. With it because it's like, oh my god, we got to talk again, and then next week we got to talk again, and it's it's a lot of fucking talking and we texting and it's like either you're gonna block them or you're not. Like it's just it's too much back and forth and it's really confusing. And it's just like say what you want and know what you want.

Say what you mean, and mean what you say.

Yeah, you know, and know that when you leave the conversation, whatever that conversation is, know that you got everything off your chest that you wanted to get off your chest. Yeah, because you're gonna be lame in the bed at night, like, well why did I say? I should have said say it? Say it if you mean it, say it.

Yeah, and then stick to that.

Right now, everybody's flippy floppity and like fickle or whatever, and I get that. There's you're being a human being, but really try to stick with this. Like if we've broken up, then we broken up and have that space and maybe y'all could get back with each other, you know, months later, but really take that space.

But also, sometimes I'll step back from a relationship and be like, oh.

What was I doing? Why did I do that? And why was I there for so long?

I think that that's something that like, when you reflect on the relationship, you'll see it. You'll see the moments where you're like, well, I could have left too, but I was bored, so I let them stay.

Damn.

Okay, Okay, I'm triggered about them. I was bored.

I was bored, so I let them stay. What else you doing? It the stay exactly.

That's a good title, Okay, Okay, So I should read one too, and I haven't. It's like big gay matchmaking in Ireland, sweeties. Okay, Hi, Sidney, Marie and Andrew. The pot has provided much needed el l content in the darkest depths of the pandem. So first of all, thank you. How about some beautiful listener news. Me and my sister Ellish pronounced Alish are big fans of yours and we are obviously working hard to spread the word in Ireland.

At the beginning Ireland, babe, We're everywhere, We're everywhere. At the beginning of the year, she was surprised to meet a You meet a lovely young lady and Belfast who also happened to be a fan of the show get the fuck out of here.

They hit it off and some time later she asked her to be her girlfriend.

Oh and it's so many pictures.

A picture above Elish and her girlfriend Lauren on the coast of Northern Ireland. Alish and Lauren taking a wee selfie. Elish and Lauren and I at Easter in our we dogs, Malcolm and Kitty. I have shopped our cousin out so oh yeah, as she's not. Wait wait wait, I have shopped our cousin out so as not to complicate things.

Thank you. We appreciate it because it was a lot of people in the photo.

They are a beautiful couple and truly attestament to the powerful hotness of Unofficial Expert fan base.

Anyways, if you guys could.

Work on some magic and send a man my way, I would really appreciate it.

I like men with good manners.

The rest is negotiable, but perfectly not with AirPod dicks.

Okay.

A picture above me at a favorite place. Me yesterday at a unie with my best friend. Don't ask been there, done that? Love you girls, Love you lots girlies, and Andrew, can I get an unofficial expert to endorse a United Ireland. Womp, womp, Kate mclallin h twenty two. Okay, oh my god, that was beautiful.

Okay, I endorse.

The United Ireland. If y'all are all fine and fun. That's crazy that they both listen to the podcast. Yeah, and now they're together.

Look at this couple. You see us community together? Oh my god, should we post? Can we post? Yeah? And she's really cute and that is so crazy. I am.

I I almost want to like have a little tear. It's so beautiful. They're so cute together.

Where's Belfast?

I don't know, but I'm gonna look at it next year. We traveling, sis, I don't want to hear none of the bullshit. We don't have our money together, and we are traveling. We're taking trips, we're taking triels.

We're taking a trip.

So two people who listened to the podcast found each other and found love.

In a hopeless place.

They a panorama. They found it in a Panmarana, and I'm proud of them.

I love this. I love that the lesbians are listening. I love that the gays are listening. I love that it's white people, black people, people with good jobs, people with bad jobs. I love this for us.

I mean, we are powerful, but we're like we're slept on. We're slept on.

People don't know how beautiful the things that we're doing here. And it's fine, it's fine. Do we have any straight male listeners in Ireland?

Huh? Yeah, we gotta help our girl out, she.

Says, as long as you don't have an AirPod peen's she's open.

Yeah.

I need y'all to slide if you are a straight man that lives in Ireland or how or maybe you you're in the UK or have miles and have no problem traveling to Ireland. I need y'all to slide in our motherfucking DMS asap.

Now, Sis, are you open to Kate? Are you open to maybe a Scottish man? I don't know how the Irish and the Scottish people get along, but you know I looked that with a Scottish man once.

It was I had a good time upstairs, downstairs, upstairs, downstairs. Duplex, Dick, duplex, dick, duplex, duplex.

We love a duplex dick. Yeah. I love good for your friend.

But I'm saying not, I digress, it's not this is not about me Sidney Gosh, I'm trying to make sure that Kate is open to it because I don't know if Irish people and Scottish people get along.

I'm sure they do.

There's no need, like, after after everything we've been through, you have to really sit back and be like is it worth it to be that mad? Like are we holding grudges? Like just let's let's move forward, y'all, let's do it. What have you done to you know, tone down the toxicity? Mmmm, turn it down. We don't need that. It's not we want to go back out and have a fucking good time. We've been doing shows and people are just happy that we're fucking breathing on stage.

It's crazy.

It's crazy cause it's like you actually shouldn't want us to breathe on stage, but they're love it.

Well something news. They make you perform behind like a plexiglass. Yeah, it's very intense. It's like, well I could.

Have just called in from home, but we people don't want to do the zoom anymore. And it's hard for me because I literally just don't know how to act outside. I don't, I really don't. I'm all over the place. I'm trying to get my set together. I'm talking on stage within like talking to the audience, going in and out of my set.

It's all over the place, it is. That's how we perform now. Yeah, well that's how we perform now. I mean that's how it's not anyway.

But yeah, when when my Comedy Central set comes out, Lord have mercy, I don't even know.

I'm like, fuck, you're scared of it. I don't remember what I said. I didn't even record it or anything. Oh what were you talking about? I was talking about getting arrested at the airport.

Oh, I got arrested at the airport, and I did the bit about Facebook. I do remember you talking about Facebook, but I don't remember why you were talking about face.

Because the girl on Facebook said that she had the best year of her life. That's hate speed, that's wild. Yeah, the best year of your life is the best year of Walmart? Is she Jeff Bezos Bezos buzos.

The best year of her life in twenty twenty it was the peak of everything. Everything was going on, like, well, how many years has this girl been a laugh? Because is she six?

Think?

Come on, friend, give me them tags that I should have had on my fucking set.

Oh yeah, well we'll see what it sounds like. Yeah, I mean I remember you had the yellow coat on.

It was a good time. Yeah. People were laughing, but I just don't I don't know what. I don't know what I was. I know the I know. The getting arrested was funny. We were laughing at that. They were like, I can't believe that happened. And I was like, actually, if you knew me, we love getting arrested Sydney. Yeah, we love it. We don't want it to happen again, but do it. I think we are girl.

The way my life is, I want any random shit to happen so I have something to jump about. So you would risk since you would show shank redemption. They pulled me over. The TSA pulled me over again again when I.

Was coming in there. No no, no, no, they moved.

They took my suitcase and then the woman like scanned it and she was like, I wonder why they put separated your back. It looks like you don't have anything in there except shoes. And I was like, that's it, that's exactly what's in their shoes.

She's like so sorry about that. I was like better ahead. No, yea better ahead, bitch.

Yeah, so I'm ready for any I'm ready to fall. I'm ready to like get hit by a bicycle. No, no, I don't mind my girlfriend like low key cheating on me.

Like you have something to talk about it?

Well, actually I couldn't even talk about that, so never mind, fucking never mind.

Keep it in your pants, babe. Yeah.

So I'm not ready for any of those things. I'm ready for other and exciting things to happen, but so that I have stuff to talk about, but not not nothing that's gonna cause me physical pain.

Hit by a bike, hit by a bus. You got hit by a bike before and you got a joke out of it. Yeah, but I have the joke already. I can't borrow that joke.

Actually say it to mine, now, girl, could you borrow the joke?

You're gonna say that you're a way cable?

Yes, and which is not like far off because it's not secured at all. It's not glue down. I don't have a little new I don't have the comb in it nothing. It's just it's just on it on top.

My wig is placed gently on my head, and then the hat is on top of it to hold it down.

You want to be on time? Did you say they were dragging Tyra Banks on Twitter? Finally? Fucking finally what they say?

They were just talking about how bad the show was and how she was very mean to the black girls on the show, and how she had the contestants do blackface one. Yeah, and you know how people are calling she would call Nigela noted fashion photographer, but we'd only we never saw him anywhere excepted.

But maybe that was her shade, that was that.

Was noted, Maybe that was her key key, like she kept saying noted, noted.

Fashion photographer Nigel Bucket.

Maybe she's laughing like nobody noticed like that. That actually is funny, But mean is Tyra.

And then they were talking about her TV show that she had for a while. Remember she had a talk show. Yeah, it was she was homeless. She put on.

I didn't know why the show, but I know that she put on a fat suit once to see if people would treat her differently in real life. And she had Naomi Campbell on to talk to her, and Naomi was like, I'm not sure.

Why I'm here, yo. Honestly, she was like, Babe, I'm not really sure. I don't understand.

I want to watch this episode now.

This feels great.

I mean, I just love the the early two thousands because you could just do anything and everything and get away with it. That's another thing I'm scared about. It's just what can I say? What I can I say? I don't need anything to come back and just bite me in the neck or something.

People in the neck, bite you in the neck.

Yeah.

I feel like a lot of the things that we were talking about, you know, four years ago BP before pantem, A lot of the things that were talking about VP, like it's not it's like everything everything is something.

You say something and it's like, wow, that's well what is that?

But that's okay, Marie, That's okay because again we are going to be making memories together.

We're gonna be trashing, We're gonna be all the old jokes.

Are homophobic, heterophobic, racist, transphobic, fat phobic, and homeless people right anti.

I think you can't call homeless people homeless no more. You gotta call them anti house or something like that.

Something it's my house means like they're against having homes.

That doesn't make any sense.

I'm just saying everything is something, and it's like, what I mean, if I'm being mean to everybody, then am I problematic? Or am I an equal, equal opportunity offender?

Marie? Do you think you're mean? I mean, remember I had that wheelchair joke that.

I mean if the Comedy Center said had included that, oh Man, completely different, say yeah, shout out to our listeners in wheelchairs, We see you, babe. Well why don't you Why don't you say the joke on here and let's listen what the people say.

Just dissect the joke.

Okay, so it was two different wheelchairs. Yes, which one do you want? You want the original wheelchair joke or you want the second one, the wheelchair joke from E prey Ho.

The second one the e prey Hoe wheelchair situation was.

Remember I was in Amsterdam and I matched with this guy and he was cute, and he was like, he was like, I.

Should probably you know that I'm in a chair with wheels on it.

And I was like, what, that's funny a chair with wheels on it, that's funny.

Anyway, he didn't have no wheelchair photos on his tender. It looked like he was doing headstands. He was doing a plank in one of the photos. He was doing like no wheelchair, and so I said, I wasn't coming to his house. I said, I'm not coming to bad Back and Beyond. And I mean, that's basically what the joke was.

But I'm gonna bring it back. They said, that's punching down Marine. Well yeah, it's down. He's in a chair and.

I'm staring and they're not gonna cut this section up and drag us.

Okay, no, we're not doing that. I'm just you told me that I did. I did.

But like this is justus dissecting. How could you make that joke better?

Marine? Better? How could you make it better?

I mean, how do we feel about somebody who's obviously in a wheelchair?

Well not obviously because they didn't post it exactly not.

Is that?

Like, how do we feel about that?

Is that?

Okay?

Like it's fine if I was with you and then it happened while we're together, but I don't know you, I've never met you. I'm just coming over with the penis Like, I'm not about to come over here and like have a conversation and break bread with you and the chair. I'm sorry, but this dude was so confident. And that's the other part of what happened is he was like he was like, he was like, it's gonna be good, or it's gonna be great, or you're gonna

They'll say that that's ablest. They'll say that it's ablest. Okay, well they're able then and then the funny thing this is what Marie does, because then it gets like it does get tight.

The room is like we're not laughing. He's like, so.

Would you date somebody in a wheelchair? And then like nobody raises their hand, So it's like it's easy to be like you're a bad person, you're you know, you're ablest, But then you turn it on them and like, would you date somebody in a wheelchair?

I think it's different. I think that's different.

If I'm in this, if I'm in the city that I live in and I match with somebody and they say that to me, and I decide, all right, we let's cool, let's get a drink anywhere or whatever. Whatever it's different, there's there's potential for it to turn it to something else. It was never gonna be nothing else with me and this man, it was it could never be anything else.

I was leaving the next day, bags was packed.

Okay, well, maybe you could add that in the joke, like maybe like lead up to.

You know, unpacking my bags and I'm leaving and then this man who doesn't have any wheelchair photos says he wanted me to go, Like, girl, I don't know. I think that there are people that gonna listen to this and they're gonna be like, oh, that's disrespectful.

I will never listen to this podcast again.

And no, no, no, I don't think I this is honestly us like trying to be better because we're talking it out. It's not like we're making the jokes. We're actually this is a joke. This could be considered problematic. How do we make this better? What are you actually trying to say? You're not saying you wouldn't date somebody in a wheelchair. At that specific moment, you said, well, I'm just coming over to get dick. I know, I feel like it's I'm not equipped for that.

I want you to break my back. That's what I want. Okay, that's where I'm at. That's the jokes is.

The joke is, I don't know if we're making this better, but this is the stuff that we have to say out loud to realize if.

Something is bad or not.

You know, And I'm telling you what they would say because I'm hearing it and I'm like, ah, that was funny to me.

But also you're a comedian, and also I'm not in a wheelchair.

I think we need to get somebody on the podcast who you know.

Might be in a wheelchair. Wheelchair expert.

No, there's gotta be a different title. Friend, that's not gonna work. I don't think somebody's gonna come on and talk about wheelchairs like that is no.

Okay, then maybe you don't have to come on and be that, but you are going to talk about the chair sis.

I mean I want to.

I want to know more because I don't have enough friends in wheelchairs for me to actually have this dialogue.

You said enough friends? Yeah, how many you got? Daniel Perez.

She's in a wheelchair, and she was explained to she was we took a cab together and she ordered the cab and she was like, listen, this is this is what I do, Like I have to get the one that has the wheelchair accessible or whatever. But like she was very equipped, like she didn't really need my help because I was like, oh, you know, let me get ready chair. No, no, no, no, no, I never like

You can't.

You have to ask, like you don't know them like that, you know, And I don't want to assume.

Her thing is motorized anyway. Do you really need my help? I don't know.

But she was able to like fold it up and do all this stuff. And she's been in a wheelchair for a long time, Like you think she hasn't a guy ford the situation to she's got.

To figure it out.

She's had a method to it. Yes, I mean I think that too. There are people who I mean, I guess we used to call them handicap I don't know what handy capable, and uh, you know they don't want you to help them.

Yeah, I went or looked down on them.

Right, but help them specifically because they know how to do what they can do to get it done. I went to college with a dude that was blind. Right, He invited me to the movies once and I was like what why?

But huh.

But he also didn't like when I helped him do anything, Like I beg, all right, we're gonna go this, and he'd.

Be like, no, no, don't touch my arm, Like I got it, and he would just go flying up the sidewalk with that stick. But yeah, he didn't like when people offered to help him do anything. Well, because there's your senses are hided when one is not available. And I mean we I think that's the thing with all of us. I think that's all. We all want to feel like we can do something and that we're capable, and we don't want to ask for help we.

Don't need it.

Sometimes sometimes we don't want to ask for help, but sometimes it feels good to ask for help because the person is either helping you see something from a different perspective, or their help.

They're like taking some of the weight off your back. Yeah, truly, I think you should. We shouldn't be afraid to ask for help. We shouldn't. We shouldn't.

But also like, that's why I have to go out of my way and I need to talk to more people who are whore in a wheelchair or people who are tran It's like, we don't know if something is problematic because look at where we're standing. You know, the only way I can find out is if I ask these questions to people who are not like me.

Right, that's true, that's true.

But then also sometimes you got admit there are people who get offended for other groups that they're not a part of, and.

It's like this is not your fight to fight. We're not speaking on behalf of them. I don't give a fuck.

Right, I'm talking to the people who actually it affects boom, that's it. But then you you know, there's jokes that you know, somebody might make a big deal about, and then there's other black people that are like, nah, I don't I don't see what the problem is. I don't think he's cooning, you know what, I mean, so it's very complex, it's very layered, it's a lot of work to be done, and nobody is perfect. And I think

Oh, it's not my job.

And it's like, well, that's why there's people out here who don't give a fuck and they're just saying anything and everything because it's.

Like, well, we have to help or guide just in some kind of way.

Yes, But also there are people who just are like fat, It doesn't matter if everyone's gonna be offended about what I say.

I'm still gonna say what I want to say, and y'all just have to do with it. I'm not speaking on behalf of those people.

Speaking on behalf of those people, but I'm saying that those people exist. We're not all tiptoeing around who might be upset. Yeah, I mean I think that stuff is gonna get said that sometimes you're like but like as a comedic performer and as somebody who gets on stage and says things that are like provocative or get people to gasp or whatever, like, please understand that I'm dragging straight men I'm dragging people with money. I'm not punching

When when I dragged everybody, right, that's what I'm saying. You will opportunity Murray, equal opportunity reasy, thank you. We love that.

And that's a great, great title. Okay, I think we got through it all. I think we hit all of the points for today. You know, it's we gotta go. We got a deeper dive in the Patreon and really like get into some more stuff. But again, it's send us, send us emails, send us pictures.

What's the email again?

The unofficial expertise unofficial expertise at gmail dot com.

Yeah, email us there.

We will take it and we will read it out loud, and y'all have to let us know if it's okay to repost your pictures.

I don't know, like I don't want to.

Be disrespectful, but the pictures are great, and people were sending me stuff in the DMS and I was like.

Wow, people are fucking hot. Everybody is so hot. I love you all.

I'm so blessed to be able to do this podcast for so long with my very best friend, and just.

We've created a community that's all over. I love this for us.

Please stay sexy, please stay attractive, Please keep listening to the podcast, and hopefully Kate finds love in.

The United in Ireland, the United Ireland States.

Yeah, yeah, and rate and review and comment. We need more. I saw, you know what, when I told people to repost us. They've been doing it. So thank you for listening. I love when people take direction, but keep doing it because it makes us.

It's good.

And so if we said something today that was like triggering for you, I mean, I guess you could email us.

It's Carolina, just just you know, maybe sliding our dms too, so we can have an open discussion, right and then we maybe maybe could put it on the page too, got it, you know, and have that conversation like an open dialogue.

Because I am moving forward.

There's some things that I just don't know, and I am willing to learn and have that discussion. If you want to have a productive conversation. If you just want to fucking drag me and say that I'm a bad person, then keep that to yourself.

You don't have to call. We don't have time for you. You don't have to go. It's okay. Hasama be a right night? Ooh that sounded good. Please stop recording may forever. This has been a Forever Dog production. The Unofficial Expert is executive produced by Brett Boham, Joe Cilio, and Alex Ramsey. Senior producer Tracy Soren. Produced by Andrew MacGuire. Cover art by Sandy Hoenig. To listen to this podcast ad free, sign up for Foreverdog Plus at Foreverdogpodcasts dot com slash plus.