Be Best 2018

Hi, guys.

Hello, let's talk about what's happening on January eleven.

Oh my god, we're giving you more gifts.

We're oh my gifts on gifts on Marry Christmas, Happy holidays, all the holidays. So we have another live show for you at Union Hall here in Brooklyn, and it's some of your favorite comics, some of our favorite guests.

And you guys are gonna really enjoy the show. Sydney, where can they get tickets? You can get tickets. Write in the description about that, and then if you go to the Instagram page, we got that in the link as well. Also, and who are the guests worry, Oh my god, Mally Austin, oh Sex State experts. Yes, who else? Matt Rogers, our Hollywood expert. Yes, he's gonna be our musical guests. Oh yeah, he's gonna do a couple of ballots. He's gonna do a couple for y'all. So you're gonna

Closing it out with a burn.

Your resolution should be what to come see us life?

His sea was with Washington O la oh la.

I says, it's it's the end of the year, end of an era.

Wom wom wom wom.

I'm saying era because twenty eighteen feels like so much time has passed.

Yeah, this was the longest was also shortest year.

It was the longest fastest year of my life. Yeah, it was a lot, but like also, you know, we did it. We got through it, you know, thank goodness.

I was it was so long. Yeah, it was so long.

But also I feel like the year just started and I think back, like I was in La for a month this year.

You sure were? That was this year. Absolutely.

We tested for like a bunch of TV shows this year, like flew.

Back and forth a lot. I ain't got no miles on my ship. I should have. I should have like a card or something. Oh yeah, yeah you should. The way I was flying, it's like I should you should enrolled this. You should have rolled now. Yeah, I'm gonna work on that.

I got like jet Blue and and something else. But I think I went virgin. But I feel like maybe I'll get like in America American airlines. Okay about join them.

I feel like it's gonna work.

Who else got cute planes?

I don't know.

But when somebody else is paying, I'm like whatever.

Yeah, But but the miles are for you. Oh yeah, I definitely need those freaking miles.

Yeah, because flying back at least three thousand miles away, so that's six thousand miles round trips.

Come on, man, get them points. Yeah, I need to think about that. That's where I'm at. It's like, I gotta think ahead, think about that.

Well, I feel you got some travel coming up in the next year. You should definitely enrolled. It's it's free.

You gotta think about the bigger pictreol get some perks. Boo boo boo.

Yeah, just all of a sudden, they I want them to send me a suitcase. That's how much I want to be traveling.

Oh, okay, and a little a little away. Yeah, away. You gotta do away, far, far, far away. Yeah. I'm so happy that.

You know, things have come and go and comedy this was like the craziest comedy year ever.

You know why, just more opportunities. I can't even count how many stages I've been on this year. I've definitely done a lot of stand up and still don't know what my fucking five minutes are. But you know what, we're doing it. We're getting through it. Yeah.

I mean, I feel like I caught you towards the beginning of your stand up career, and I always feel like whenever I watch you perform, like you're one of my favorite people.

To watch perform, especially when you be messing with the audience. I'm like, look at my mean ass friends.

Yeah, riff City is wonderful, you know, fantastic. Crowd work is beautiful.

It's a skill, guys, for us to be up there and make it look so effortless. Uh, it's a skill because people will then try to talk to us and it's like no, no, no, no, no, I'm a professional comedian and you're just a fan.

Yeah, Like, this is my job. I'm gonna make this funny.

Yeah, you're gonna try to figure out the funny and I already got I already know what it is.

Yeah.

And then sometimes I'm like, ugh, you know what, that didn't go the way it was supposed to, But you know what, I still got that money and I'm gonna leave with my head high.

Looking for my uber pool. Is that it? No, that's not it. Oh no, it's two blocks down. Okay, gotta go bye.

Ok, let's talk about it.

I ordered an uber Express, So uber Express is just like they pick you up close to where you are and they drop you off close to where you go. It's a shuttle, it's it's a bus, right, but it's cold, we're.

We're out late.

And the other day I ordered an uber pool at eleven forty five pm, right, they were like, walk.

Three minutes to go get this car.

I I'm walking across all these busy intersections and I could see the car, but on the app it'll still say a minute away.

And then it was like leaving soon.

And I was like, okay, well I'm not I'm not about to get hit by all these cars for this uber pool. And the car left, and then every car after it was like then that you order another Uber expressing. It's telling you to go back to where It's like, I'm not, I'm not doing this. Then a car came and the driver said he was there, and I was like, I'm here, and he was like maybe thirty feet down and I'm facing me and I'm like waving my arms.

He popped a yuwie and canceled the trip.

I'm in his head lights waving at him to come forward, and instead of coming to meet me, he just canceled the trip and made like three point turn, went.

The other way. Patty. So, I'm petty two sis. What's your rating? I'm four point seven eight okay.

So I tweeted Uber and I was like this is problematic, and they were like, send us the receipts. And I was like, this person refused to pick me up, y'all should fire him.

They'd be lazy.

I sometimes they like start conversations with me, trying to tell me about their day, and I'm like, sir, I am a customer and I'm trying to live my life. I have my own issues. I'm not really trying to hear about your day. I mean, no offense, but all of the offense. Like this is New York City. I know you want a vent, but this is also a moving car, so like I'm stuck.

You'd be in the car like read the roll. I had this real Christian dude that was my driver the other day and he was telling me that he lived in Westchester. He was telling me he his wife and the kids had gone to this church Christmas party.

I was like, bruh, I don't men a care. I don't care, and he wouldn't stop.

Talking to me.

But he was nice, and it's like, well, I'm not about to be a dick. He talking about Jesus or whatever. How you feel about drivers in a music I'm just like, turn it off.

Just we don't even have to listen to music.

I feel like most times most cars that I'm in, the drivers aren't really listening to music.

Ah, they are.

Every car and getting into it's like it's not the right it's like their own mixtape or like a song of a friend, or like a cultural song, a religious song.

Cultural song. So they be playing like not chat top music.

I don't know, and I just don't want to be rude, but it's sometimes you're just like I can't listen to any of that, and it's like, oh, you should have your own headphones on, and it's like should I.

Yeah, anytime I'm in it.

Anytime I'm in a car, I feel like everyone with me has headphones in.

Let me tell you.

If I'm paying over ten dollars, you gonna do what I say I'm sorry if I'm paying eighteen dollars to go anywhere and I'm like, I don't want the windows down, I don't want the music on. I feel like you should, you know, abide by Okay, so speak on it.

This is still happening to you. They still not rolling the windows up.

Every car I get into, the driver is hot, and I get it. You're you're driving all night and I'm not.

But I'm frigid, why is driving making you hot? Dude?

Like put a T shirt on and call it a layer or no, or just have a T shirt on. Don't maybe don't have like twelve quotes on. I don't know, but like it's frustrating for me to be like, oh, I don't I don't want to say, oh, I feel weird.

Like I'm a customer.

I should be able to be vocal about how I'm feeling in this weird Toyota Camry. This is the energy that you should have moving in twenty nineteen. What would a straight white man do in this situation?

Because they're unapologetically just gonna be them and this they're not considered aggressive or like that's how I enter my emails in twenty nine like everything that The energy that I have in twenty nineteen is what what a straight white man do in a situation. He will say something and he would say it exactly how he means it.

Excuse me, Can you cut this music down?

Sir? Windows down? Hey?

Yeah, Hey buddy, Hey buddy, this, We're not gonna do this.

Heybody, We're not gonna do it.

Hey, pal, can you turn your music down? This, I'm not here for your ethnic tunes. Cut it off, hey, driver? When he can literally just look down?

What the name is? Yeah, I've had one of those days and this is not the time.

So sorry, Actually I'm not in the mood to talk tonight, so could you just drive?

Yeah, it's I think it's one of those things where I talk to women all the time and they just let shit go down because they feel weird saying something about it, and it's just like, no, just we all grown speak up, We're speak up. Can we just have adult white dude energy in twenty nineteen. I just I'm about to have some Trump energy, okay, grabbing shit, grabbing shit, building walls.

What would Trump.

Do in the He would be like, hey, a hobibe cut the music off? Yeah, Well, my name is actually Mark. You look like a hobby cut it off. Yeah, yeah, trying this all the way off. I'm just gonna be real. The bigger tree is gonna be thriving.

Bigger tree. It's gonna be so real in twenty nineteen.

Well, there has to be like because the we're the only people who will ever truly advocate for ourselves, right, Like, no one if you if you're actually you don't have a problem. People not gonna unless they like really look at your face and see an eye twitching, They're not gonna be like, oh, this is making them uncomfortable.

Oh they don't like this.

No, have Louis k energy like I have Harvey Weinstein in that like he did all this crap and then was emailing everybody in Hollywood, Like hey, if you guys could just you know, not watch the news to see how terrible I am, that'd be great. It's like, dude, you was pulling your nasty ass dick out, like you

That's how I'm gonna be in twenty nineteen. No, it's gonna be like blunt force trauma for me. Next year. I'ma hit you.

I'm gonna tell you why, or I'm not gonna not gonna explain myself. I'm just gonna say no or yes.

You know what I have yelp energy. That's what I'm gonna have. Yelp.

Okay, so we've changed it. Now we're gonna have the energy of a white woman, quite woman at a restaurant. Yes, that's the energy you should have, white woman that lives in Long Island.

I'm sorry, I asked for the peanuts on the side. Yeah, okay, take this back. I'm gonna have a West Nayak energy.

Of Hampton's Real Housewives of New York energy. Yeah, like I have, uh, Pinagriggio ivy like through me, just real energy, like.

What daytime, white wine. Yeah, I'm gonna take that hat off your head. Energy. That's what we're gonna do. Exactly.

Speak to a manager right now? Yes, why this is Onyx? Did you say white?

Now?

I'm gonna speak to a manager white Now?

What are you looking forward to for the next year? Lord? A job? Just like for real? Just like a it's time, A legit job that like is makes sense?

And what's a dream job? I don't even know. I'm just like I just need to make sure check is coming in, you know, just there.

Uh, I don't know.

I feel like I love comedy, but then I don't. So it's just like same, I'm working on what is my plan? B? You know, what else can I do other than this? Because I've dedicated so much time and I don't have like a real life anymore. It's just like shows, auditions. All my friends are comedians, and like, you know, I want to just be talking to people who are doing other stuff as well. I feel like I'm very closed off and I don't know what the

And I'm always here for a meat and cheese play. I do a lot of things. I will push a small child in traffic for a meat.

And cheese plak. Yeah, I wanna. I want to venture out, figure you know, figure out some things.

Travel just you know, yes, your birthday's coming up. Yeah, just not be in New York City as well. Like it's just like I'm so be in New York less or not being New York for your birthday, specifically not be in New York City for my birthday, but also not be in New York City.

It's just like it's just so jaded. People are so me me, me, me, me, me me. I want to go to a town, and they just saying, hey, hey, how you doing? You know and really fun.

You don't even want to talk to the uber driver when he asked you want to go to a town with strangers, also ask you.

How you do?

Because I know the Uber driver, I know Uber driver energy. He gonna ask me about myself so he could talk about himself. I want to go to a town where they asking me because they're genuinely what do you do?

You know?

And and want to know about my life? And then I asked about and it's like, oh you got a farm? Oh yeah, I'm not interested in that, Like I want that. I want to go somewhere, and they just be enthralled in my my being.

That's such a good word.

Enthralled is like obsessed with yeah, like interested, like too much.

That's what I want.

I want somebody to just like they want to pick up my book and then like read the book from front to back and then tell me about the book and then like review the book. That's what kind of energy I want. I don't get that in New York City. People just be like so into themselves. When people ask

I'd be like I what sorry, and they're like what do you do? And I'm like I work in television And I'm like why would I say that? I should have said I teach yoga or you know, I'm in childcare. But I'm always like I am stand up, commit and like I'm saying the truth, like yeah, I'm trying to lie.

I can't lie.

Well, I was in open pool and I knew it was like packed. It was like four of us, and I know one guy had said what he did and I was like, he sound like he liing. So I think we all just going to go around and lie. And I said that I worked in a funeral home and they were like, wow, I said, I'm interning. I want to be a funeral director.

Did they have follow up questions? Because I would yes they did. I feel like that's more interesting in saying I do comedy.

I know, Well, I actually have a friend that's in uh, like what is it Morgue school like mortician mortician school, And so she was telling me about putting makeup on the dead people, talking to the families, like the whole process. I mean she's been in school for I feel like like two years now. I'm guys, she getting her associates in Yes, I don't know morticiany and so she's like really in to the dead and different.

Is weird? Sister? You had a stranger danger friend. No, no, no.

But she's the type that you look at her and you're like you are into dead people, Like she's one of those makeup toratorial bitches. It's just like like of my Like she's a little ditzy, Like I don't think I want you around my dead people.

No, no, no, no, I don't know. I feel like she's the type to talk to them while she's like, oh she is. She is.

She's listening to music.

She's listening to like Lovely Day and she's singing to them, or she's doing their makeup and she's like thank.

You next, like full on conversation like so girl, oh my god, he hit you. Yeah, we don't cover that all right, You don't know that bruise right on up?

Yeah, Sally. Yeah.

And she's she's the type that like if something like the family brought in an outfit, like she would like try to change the styling.

Like she's gonna tie the shirt under the boot.

Yeah yeah, or she's gonna try to like tell them like, oh well, I really feel like this person would be better in this. She would have her own fashion line, like you got a clothing rack? Yeah, Like she'll try to bring in her own ship, like, well, I just happen to have this cat suit. Ye I really feel like, yeah, Diana would thrive in this. Cats thrive in this. I mean, you got to be a lot of bit weird to

Now she got she feels.

Like corpses are not good for the baby. In my mind, you know, dead bodies can't be good for the fetus.

What do you think is that true?

In my mind, I feel like it's you know, it's gonna get I don't know, maggots or something.

No, it's just like it's just dead person energy.

I don't want my baby around dead bodies because you and this is the thing. While she's doing the makeup, the belly is touching that that arm, that dead arm, So the baby is the you know, it's weird.

Yeah, it is also interesting. It's just like you meet somebody and you think you know them, and then all of a sudden they're like, I want to be a Martisian and it's like, what what are we learning in mortician school for two years. Like what does that look? I feel like that should be like an online course. Well, she was telling me, half of it is have to

We can't do that.

See, I would be like I work in the back of house, so I don't want to actually talk to the families at all. Yeah, like I'm not the face of this morgue. Let me just be in the back like doing this brow.

Oh that's what you want to do.

I'm just saying like I wouldn't want to have to Like I'm not a people person obviously, I work with dead bodies. I don't want to talk to you while you're crying about your uncle. Let me just you know, a just his mustache and like, you know, don't I don't want I shouldn't have to talk to you.

I'm putting makeup on a dead body. I don't have people skills.

Yeah, she was telling me that there was one family that was like, oh, they wanted their daughter to have like natural makeup, and she was just like she couldn't say, like, well, the way her face is set up natural, ain't the look like?

Oh like she needed a lot?

Yeah, like there's there is no such thing as like a natural makeup on a dead person.

Have you ever seen a dead body the person doesn't look like what you knew them as, Yes, because you you like, well what they looks like?

Who? But who is this?

You have to be sensitive about it, though, like, because you can get in really a lot of trouble. I feel like you can even get your certificate taken away if you don't know how to.

You're talking about corpse certificate. No, I went to school for three weekends. Oh my god?

That like, and how does the makeup work? Like you bring their makeup from home or they just.

Got a no, no, no, it's a different type of makeup. It's almost like like tattoo makeup because it has to be it has to have full coverage because sometimes the skin is just don't look like skin no more. Well sometimes it's.

Like it's almost bluish grayish, like it depends on how you die, right, yeah, yeah, you know.

Yeah.

She said she had to sew someone's uh neck back, like it was almost like a little bit of decapitation.

She had to fix that, and I was like, what do you do? You put a turtle neck? No, put like a little choker on. Yeah, but like

No?

a nineteen nineties well they.

Said that they she she can also put like a like a little no, like fake skin, like they have fake skin too.

Oh okay, So it's like a special effects make up.

Yes, yes, yes, like she she's so involved in it, and it's like crazy because it's almost like, damn, I'm enthralled, Like I want to know what the fuck y'all doing over there.

I think when I die, I want Diade de le s Muerto's make up like the cocoa the Mexican just make me look more dead.

I think, honestly, I think I want to be cremated when I die. Well, the way she her personal lease on it is just like you want somebody to remember you the best way you can, But when you see them dead, it's like that's what you remember. So when somebody does, you don't remember them as just that that's the people that they are.

No, I definitely don't.

If I see you and you look crazy, that's the last vision I have of you. Like my grandmother did not look I was so furious because I was like, that's not Grammy. First of all, who put her in that red blazer? How fucking dare you? She never looked good in red? Who was there a family member who said who signed off on this?

Somebody? Somebody bought that blazer? And the wig was awful. The wig was it was almost like it was a warning wig. I was like, so you gave her her old wig. That's rude.

You couldn't. No, well, Grammy would have won it this way because you know she's frugal. What shut up, get Grammy?

This was her favorite wig. What was it like a short early situation was a short straight like swoop.

It was it was like if Ellen was dead and old type wig. It was really really short, and it just her face was very gaunt.

And then and then the makeup was like twelve shades too dark.

It's never yeah, it's never the right shades. It like always too dark. Like she looked like Seal. It was crazy.

I was I was like Seal Rose from that. I was like, she had like a scar on her face. That was never.

I was like, look like she dates Heidy Clue or she did date the tidy clue. Yeah, it was crazy, and so I couldn't cry during the like I don't even know that that's not the woman that used to make brownies and fro chicken fried chicken and then take us to Little Rock, Arkansas on the ground that's not Yeah. They had my grandma and black face too, uh. And I have like a little I have a little grandma and she just you know, cause you like bloat or whatever.

Yeah, and we were like, I don't know who that is.

I was like, they couldn't put stuff, no cotton in her mouth, like her face, just like real sunk it in. And I said, they did a bad job. And I'm gonna yep this funeral funeral home. They did a trash ass job. I'm yet I was giving like white women yelping energy.

Maybe they make them look bad on purpose because they don't want you to like you, because if they make them look too good, you're gonna be like, oh, let me get a picture of this for the gram. I hate you people who take pictures of dead people and then post it on your Facebook.

Do you not have a soul? What is raw?

I don't mean sometimes it's about like how the bad the body is uh like uh propped up, because I've seen pictures where.

It's like they sit the dead body like you know, in a car. Who raised you?

Like in a car, like you're like you got you got your uncle in a Chevy Caprice.

I don't want to know avant garde funeral. Please, like I put me in a motherfucker coffin or burn my burn my body. I will like an old fashioned I don't want me with glasses on and in a sequence.

Sil soup on top. I want to be in a low a low neckline j lover sachi gown to the navel sequined catsuit. Bitch.

If people are melli rocking at my funeral, I'm haunting everyone.

That's a wind. People are dancing at my funeral. We went in, did y'all just do the electric slide? I am burning the place down. When you know what, I'm gonna make a conscious effort that when I die to like pose my body in a weird way so that they have to they just gotta let me. Marilyn Monroe, you know what I mean, Just like arm behind my head, I said.

Cut the arms off, cut them off, chop them off. Make sure she ain't just like this. Oh my god, put fake arms.

If you have to. I don't want to see my friend like that.

I was talking to my mom yesterday on the phone and she was like, I don't want you to be famous because I feel like you're gonna get Selena. And I said, yo, Mummy, I say that all the time.

Yeah, And she was like, I want you to get you know, Selina.

And I said, that's so funny that you said that, because I literally I feel like that's what's gonna happen to me.

I said, I'm gonna die.

No because Selena, that was somebody closed. I don't want to kill you, I'm all.

I'm like, it might not.

I mean, you might not want to kill me right now, but I mean, you know, it might be a weird year for us. No, I doubt that. If you win in sis, just don't forget about me now. If you're start acting funny, I will make some calls. Okay, So that's how I'm gonna die in twenty nineteen.

No, just just don't act. Just don't act like you don't know me no more. Are you not trying to put me in no projects? And you know me and you know that I might do that.

That is actually quite on brand. Sorry, Washington, I don't know any I don't know him.

That is quite on brand of you. No, I wouldn't do that.

I only I only hang out with very few people, and I only have time for very few people, and it's only people that I like. You already know, like this year, I'm not pretending to like you. If you give me a weird, creepy Lifetime movie vibe blacked, I'm gonna get the security guard like the other We have the show at the Knitting Factory every Sunday at nine pm.

This man was creepy. He had like a botched.

Plastic surgery face, and he was like he came to stand by where all the comics were.

I know he's not a comedian.

He looked like a little baby vampire and he was talking to me and I was like, mm I don't like the way you're looking at me.

I don't like the way you're speaking to me.

You have to go. What did he say?

I didn't say that to him now, But what did he say? And he came over and was like Hi. He had this weird accent. He was like Lorenzo. He sounded like he was like Transylvanian or something. That's where Dracula is from. And he was like holding my hand and he had like weird like rough you know when you poured Elmer's glue on your hand and you let it dry and it was all flaky. That's what his hands felt like. And I was like trying to pull my hand.

And then he said that he thought I was beautiful or something, and then he would not stop staring at me.

Dead bodies, A dead person just came to the show, right.

He had like a tattooed brow and like his cheek.

You know, remember when Lady got I was putting like those fake bone things on those horns on her forehead.

That's what his whole face looked like.

And I was like, I have to know what would a white woman do in a restaurant if this was happening to her? Right, now she would ask him to leave, excuse me, please go. No, she'd be like, hey, come on, I think we have an extra bottle coming through. What you gotta do is the crazy people, you gotta befriend them. That scares them. They're like, oh, wait, you want me around. No, that's why I don't have that many people who are

I'm not doing hugs no more either.

I've had no problem sharing and inviting people out, and they're like, oh, okay, actually I'm busy. No, that doesn't work for me because the creepy people who.

Are around me, if I was nice to them, they would just think, oh, Marie must like me, or like, I need you to know that I don't like you.

I need you to know that this is weird.

It's unacceptable, and I don't have to pretend to be nice to you this sis. I'm not wasting that energy this year, Okay. If it's not bringing me money or joy or orgasms, I don't have time for it. Okay, So no, I'm not and I'm not hugging like men feel like oh because I'm like small, like they can just hug me.

No, no touching. Don't touch me, don't. I don't like you on like the we smell. I don't know if you showered. You got ten roommates and one bathroom.

Don't touch me. Well what people don't know.

I hug because I like to transfer my negative energy. So I'm just just trying to get better.

You know what I'm saying.

I'm actually I'm self care. Yeah, it's actually I'm hugging you because I had a terrible day. You need this day now.

So people think I'm hugging because I'm like, oh my god, I'm so nice.

It's like, no, bitch, take take this. I have no money energy Okay. And then I give you a hug and I'm like, oh my god, I live on the Upper east Side now, like that is what I'm doing.

You got all the more reason for me to not be hugging strangers.

Yeah, like yeah.

And I feel like I'm I'm short of than most people, so like my face is like next to they like, no, I don't want bed bugs or whatever the hell you might have. Don't touch me, and I don't want whatever negative psycho energy that y'all got.

It's a real thing, right, But yeah, And the thing is is that we post where we are. I think what's so weird about social media is like y'all setting up the stalkers so right, like they you got geo tags, you were like, oh, I'm in this bar. It's like, oh you at this bar at this hour, y'all just got there? Are you just doing a video of y'all walking into the place?

Well, and I can see there prominently featured. I know exactly where y'all go at.

I know that I know that painting. I know where you're at. Oh I'm coming through. And I don't geotag. You be geotagging, No, I don't. I don't geotag. I don't geotech. But I know a lot of people who do. And I know a lot of people who like Instagram, famous people who you're showing where they're at. And I realized, I follow this one chick, and she what she does. She puts her into stories. The next day, she does

Like we're so if they try to go to the resort or whatever, how.

Crazy do you have to be to see that I'm in Turks and Caicos and you like, oh, let me back a bag.

There's so many these people have the time, and if you have time and money and you obsessed, I'm going they're going.

That sound like some single white female realness. Just anybody.

I mean, I've watched so many documentaries where the people were like, well they would go.

To this same bar every Friday at nine o'clock. It wasn't that hard to catch this bitch.

It's like, what, That's why I'm happy that my life is so sporadic.

Except on Sundays at nine o'clock at the Knitning Feather.

No, no, no, we're gonna be We're gonna be making moves this year.

Also, so it's like.

We know will be there every Sunday. Ye, someone will be there every Sunday. But it's not all of us. Some of us got trips to the Bahamas or Barbados, so I don't know Bolivia. But that's what happened with Kim Kardashian, right, she was like, she's in Paris and she's posting all this stuff and she got robbed or so they said, remember she was she got some dude came to her hotel room and tied.

Her up and stole her ring or I don't know.

I'm sorry, friends, this sounds terrible to say, but your security is so fucked tight. You're in another country. Somebody was able to come into your.

She had allegedly she sent him away. You know, the show is they need the ratings syst so you know.

I don't want to say that happened, but I'm just I don't. I don't believe the way I've worked at a bar with people who have really tight security, they don't play. They like when Beyonce and jay Z came to my brother, they had a security guard on each end, and then they had another security They had somebody else making sure the security for the bar was outside of the doors, making sure that like nobody if they didn't have a reservation, could get in.

So jay Z and Beyonce had they say that she's sleeping, uh, and then two people at the door like exits up and then another the backup bouncer bot.

The hotel has security as well. Right, they're just making sure.

Like those people ain't on payroll, they're on somebody payroll, but now they but they're just making sure. And even like Saudi's who are prince, they have crazy security.

Yeah, but they're worth like billions of dollars in oil and solace, and so is freaking Kim Kardashian. Right, But allegedly what happened was she sent her security away because her other siblings were going out and she was gonna christ Jenna set this whole thing up. You know, the mother was a mastermind, and the mom did all this like anything for ratings.

Girl.

I'm sorry she's been she's been in that bar that I worked into, and like there was security, Like I remember when Kanye came in when she when he was with Amber Rose, they had crazy security. I just don't if you're in another country, I just don't believe.

Well, maybe her whole security team didn't have passports. Who knows junte passis.

Okay, I want to talk to you guys about Everlane. Listen. Well, you've heard us talk about it before.

I really like all of their stuff for right now, like tiss the season to have on a bomb ass sweater, or like a really comfortable shoe, or like pull out a really sexy leather wallet. It's Christmas time, give a gift by gift by yourself two gifts. But would you buy a T shirt for fifty dollars if you knew it only cost seven dollars to make it?

We wouldn't.

With Everlane, you never overpay for quality clothes. Everline only makes premium essentials using the finest materials without traditional markups, and they tell you their real costs so you know you're never overpaying. Everlain wants you to know what you're paying for and why. They're radically transparent like clear CIS and every step of their process. You know what the materials they're using and the ethical factories that they work with.

Everline's clothes look better, they cost less, and they last longer. Essentials like their Crew T shirt are exactly what they need to be simple, stylish and made from quality cereals. I got this awesome leather wallet from them. I have this this amazing backpack that like I can hide my laptop in so I won't get robbed. It's beautiful. Their stuff is so comfortable and it looks good. If photographs,

I don't want to be that famous, Like I never want to be that famous. Yeah, Like I want to be able to still like, you know, like jump on the train like John Ham, you know, like with a hat and some sunglasses and people don't know who I am. That's what I want. I don't want people to meet me and be like fainting and crying and like I'm not Michael jackson'sis like I'm a nigga with a job.

Give me yes, give me free experience, give me shoes, give me give me if you want. Oh, we got these new glasses that you can see into another world, send me that ship.

No, no, no, you want the ray J glasses, the ones that like hold it eight different ways. It's like a double monocle. You could like bend the RM, they like tilt down. Look, just google ray j a glasses right now.

Listen.

When he was showing that, I was like, that is a crackhead stunt. Crackheads will show you with some regular ship and I'll be like, oh, no, no, no, this is new on the market.

This is on the blast. Is called a pencil. Yeah, pencil.

You're like, you mean this is a black market, you mean a crack market. No, no, no, this is definitely this is a duffle bag, sir. Yeah, He's like, no, this is a it's a new it's a it's a sideways backpack. And You're like, this is a douffle bag.

This is a duffel bag.

Then also turns into a home, you know, sir, you're homeless, vanity. Oh, he's like, also, you could use it as a pillow. Sir, you are poor, You're so poor. Yeah, so there's nothing in this bag. You're sleeping on the bag. Why is the bag so long? This is a body bag, sir says. You put canoes in this.

A kayak purse.

You're like, Craig is insane. That's my goal for next year to get a crackhead friend. Just one friend that's just like never a friend to embarrass themselves.

A friend that's like yeah yeah, like a Lindsay Lohand friend, or like a throwback Amanda Byne's friend.

Apparently she's healthy.

Now, yeah, I'm good self caresss Yeah, take care of yourself.

Somebody that will like take the fall from me.

Like if we're when we out commit crimes, the cop stop us and there's a gun in the car, Say your gun, sis, you to crackhead.

You have nothing to lose, like a little cam the tiny and t I yeah, say that your gun.

This is your You were just so having to have a silencer, okay of course, yes, yes, that's your God for protection.

Right.

Listen, when you get out of jail, I got a spot for you on the on the team. Yeah, I mean listen, I just want more stuff, more things, take a chance, you know. I realized that in comedy or in this industry, it's all about you want a sure thing, you want to make sure. I know that I'm gonna this person's gonna hit every time, and I'm gonna get money every time from them.

And it's just like live a little live on the teleprompter is hard. I can't read the telepropm. That's all right. People love somebody that can relate to There's tons of people who can't.

Read yeah, so like she can barely speak of English.

People took a chance on Cardi and look at her now.

So I feel like people took a chance on her after her social media following had already like grown to be really big. I'm there people, and people love a messy, relatable person.

That's me. That's like Cardi B. She speaks and you're like, what words did she just say?

Okay, I've been kid out in the McDonald's on a Saturday, So come on, now.

Been kaid out in the McDonald's. CYS you relatable? That's not relatable to me.

I've been to McDonald's I've never taken k I've never been I've never been on drugs in the daytime at a fast food restaurant.

Well, there's somebody who relates to me, somebody in.

Milwaukee, the dude with the Doubel bag. It relates to that, the dude that's trying to sell us a pencil.

Yeah, it's just like, come on, man, you want that regular like squared, same old, same old person hosting your ship.

Get you somebody who takes who on a j train. You know what I'm saying, Like, live a little, live a little.

That's my plan for for the New Year's to live a little bit, to live a lot of bit.

Like I want to travel.

I want to like win, like I want to see, like I want to see the I don't know the Northern Lights or whatever in I don't know where they are. I was gonna say Ireland. I don't think that's where they are.

I wanna, you know, I wanna go to different countr I need to renew my passport. I want for sure people to send me three things because I feel like I deserve it. Let's go ahead and just say our sizes for the listeners. I wear small everything and seven and a half shoe very small.

I'm like so tiny, but my butt is so big. So like the littlest waist in the widest hips. That's not that's not me. But no I wear us I saw eight. Depending on the shoe, you know, if it's European, probably a ten. You know my bus size is thirty two, so you figure it out what thirty two in a Daisy Fonto ha is bra I'm.

A C, but taty in Cole's bra. I'm a C, but I have Victoria's secret. I'm a D. So you know if hair I like a one or one B? Right?

You know what's what type of you like a Brazilian? You like a curly, You like a straight, You like a kinky straight?

I like I like a long hand hand thick red mo.

Yeah, you know whatever Lil Wayne wants to give me that How many inches of hairsis in an ideal world?

Twenty two? Twenty two if you're trying to if you're on a budget, you know.

I'll take tay, I'll take an eighteen. Are you looking for a closure?

Like?

Come on, like, let's talk about the hair. If you want to come to my house and do my hair. I'm down with that too.

No, I see sich. You're gonna get Selena to next year. Just inviting strangers into your home. My hair will be laid, will it. I got two motherfucking cats, so try me Jelly and Jam they are ready to go.

Only one of those cats is ever out. One of them is literally a scary cat, and then the one that's out, it's just friendly. Jam got the razor come through, pull up this. He's like, I know Jim. He's like, oh, a new friend. Will you feed me?

He's like, I think that's why he likes me, because he were like the same persons, like, oh, somebody knew that might spend money on food for me?

No, yeah, like rub on your and like, Hi, I'm like a stupid cat. He's like, so I'm Jam.

I don't know if you heard about me because she doesn't really talk about me, but I'm here. So what are you gonna do when you go away for your birthday with these cats?

Uh?

Well, I have an automatic feeder, so it feeds them four times a day.

So no one's gonna stay at the house. You just gon Er.

You wanna Dura sell it? Dor Sell is watching the cats.

I think I'm gonna get a little you know, nanny cam checking them cats. But other than that, they good.

I've been watching this thing and I'm like, yo, they literally don't even need us. And now like the cats don't even fuck with me, like they're like bitch ever since we got this automatic feeder, Sydney's so explain how this automatic feeder works for the people who don't have cats. It's just like a little machine that you put the cat food in and then you put a timer on it and it sets it and it feeds it in

But I feel like one of the cats could potentially beaten both of the cat's food.

No, it's two different feeders, and it's Jim know what to do.

He he a good boy. I love.

Isn't Jam The fat one that eats all the food is Fat's and he's black. And I was like, oh my god, that's how I'm gonna be in five years. I'm gonna be able to fat cat. Do you think that you'll ever get fat? I don't even know if your body can be fat.

I mean, when you're an a list celeb and you're eating file at every other day.

Listen, I'm gonna be seamless. Webon ever tag.

Can I know you're gonna be a You're gonna be like all the paparazzi restaurants where they like, you're gonna be at.

Nobu and Mama Fuku and blah blah blah blah blah. Another thing and to the nineteen. Invite us to some restaurants for free? Can we get some stuff? Can we? Yeah? I'm putting that on the Unofficial Expert Vision Board.

Can do?

Thanks? You know, we got a palate.

We're gonna be at the Gallows and the Golden Globe after parties.

Yeah.

Invite us to events that obviously it's gonna be well, you know, organized that have food and a gift bag.

Can I get a mother fucking gift bag? Yeah? We went to a gallop two weeks ago and it was sponsored by Automar, which is this, you know, the watches watch company that rappers say in their songs.

And I was like, Oh, the gift bag is going to be real cute. And the event ended and I was like, where do I go for the gift bags? And they were like, no give back. They were like do it and I was like the bags of gifts. There was a folder, a folder with some coupon. I said, what the fuck is what am I to do with this paper?

Oh? You give you give five hundred dollars off your ten thousand dollars purchase? Are you what this four?

They didn't even give me a folder, like, they were like, she not, she don't have money. Hey, if you open an account with us, we're just like, all you got to do is put in thirty grand what like this?

What am I doing with this folder? You can go down. I didn't give you a folder.

I don't want this shit. I'm getting in an overpool. I'm gonna do with this folder. Listen, dress us for these events.

I mean I wore a sequined robe dress that I immediately returned so some of the sequence was falling off. To threw them in the bag, I was like, it arrived, the item arrived, damaged.

Send us things like.

Them, you know, and I'll put them on my Instagram and I won't I'll roast them.

Lightly hashtag ad mm hmm.

You know, I read this article the other day that said that people are pretending they're posting fake sponsored posts.

Have you seen this that's beautiful?

They're like, they'll they'll go to like resorts, or they'll go to restaurants and be like thanks for the hospitality, uh Wendy's, and they'll they'll take a picture and make it seem like they were it was sponsored, but it won't be. Or they'll go to a resort and just like post things and use ads speak and so that their followers think that they're making but on top of the on top of the photo or video it says sponsored by somebody, So in order for it to be truly sponsored.

No, not all of.

The sponsored posts say sponsored up top. Some of them it just says hashtag ad at the bottom. Like some of the bigger ones like American Express will be like sponsored by MX. But come on, say, I'm gonna post this picture of this fruit by the foot and be like, thank you so much for uh for the tree foot by the foot the foot. We want things that we can actually freaking use, Like y'all got furniture. I really would love a new couch. You want to say, I

Just like, thanks so much, rugs rugs dot com.

Yeah, I see, y'all send a ship to people that I'm like that person not even interesting, so like we're interesting and funny.

Yeah, I want some linens. I want some free brook linen or some I don't know, parachute sheets.

Listen, if you send me a chair, I will post a picture of.

Me butt naked on that chair eating ice cream and be like a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do, just.

Like a little bit of it dripping. Yeah, oh what Friday night?

Look at that sponsored Come on, guys, if you send me a chair, I'll sit on it backwards like a little ass creg but naked, just like just like, oh.

My god, I wonder how did I get this way? Oh my god?

Send me, send me something what post naked? But like I'm tastefully Like I told you, I'm ready to thought it out in twenty nineteen, I'm gonna use my body to get what I want. I'm not afraid I got fake ditties. What do I do with them?

Nothing?

Literally, I send us a grand piano and Sydney will be but naked on them. It is ridiculous that I have I bought boobs not knowing my future? You know, I bought my boobs like because I was waitressing and it was like, I'm gonna be with like one of these bottle waitresses, and now what am I doing running from spot to spot? Twenty dollars here? Two dollars there? I listen. I invested in myself and now I'm in the hole. So if you guys want to send.

Me stuff that will validate these breasts, do that so a lot of low cut things, then yeah, low cut? Are we doing?

Side boob in twenty nineteen?

I don't know, SIMI bras under boob, under boob, iss sexy boob. Send me lingerie. I'll take that.

So some savage twenty ooh, I actually can come on, let's talk about it. No frontis for the service you spent little charmal nuts. So I was like, who is this lingerie for? For the laid off mother?

I don't know what it looks like, what's the what's the maiden form?

It's just I've seen that stuff. It's Central twenty one. Can you reread if you want to send some fenty though? I got the cheekbones.

No, I mean certain, only certain fenty things because the foundation oxidizes and you look like a dead body because when what that means is the color that it is when you put it on, it gets darker overtime.

This is a real review.

Yeah, it's a real review from like professional makeup artists. That's what they've been telling me. Her makeup oxidizes.

It's no bueno. So listen.

If you want us to uplift you and drag you at the same time, please send us your things. Yeah, well, I we'll review, we'll rate review. I truly but truly believe that, like we are the best.

Listen, and you know me.

I'm gonna give a real review. Remember when that hair company sent me.

Down, Oh my god, that was and I was est thing. I was like this Sweeve is like Pubes.

I was like, oh you pulled when you pulled the wig off and you were like this is how I actually look.

I had it tied under my chin. It's so funny. Hair was so bad and they sent you then they email you a couple of sounds like take this down.

They were like, we are, We're going to speak to our attorneys and take you to courts.

Send them. Okay. Meanwhile, it wasn't it from like a Chinese country, or like, yeah, yeah, it was from a Chinese country.

Friend, Sorry, their hair was one hundred percent from a Chinese country. Which Chinese country? Listen, don't you give me this War War two hair? How dare are you? I was like this this hair? Like they sent me here a Sheiba clipping.

Oh? No, I know you should be sending quality things. Send me some beats by Dre headphones, send me some sneakers.

Send me like Lulu Lemon workout gear send me. Don't be sending me like packets of green. No, I don't want stuff to eat. I don't need no flat Tommy t bitch. I'm good, my ship flat flat, it's good.

Don't send me Waiste trainers don't need it.

All I would use a Waiste trainer for is to put my snacks in so when I go into movie theaters, I'm packed. Yeah, you're just like shit, that's it, brilliant. That's the only thing I would do for a Waiste trainer. Okay, to smuggle Thanks, I'm smuggling things.

I'm smuggling things.

Okay, So a year from now, where we're gonna be what's what's in an ideal world.

What is it gonna look like?

First of all, the podcast is gonna be We're gonna be ten million listeners.

Yes, I'm trying to be a day. I'm trying to Can we do a show in London? Like I'm trying to be outside of the country. I'm trying to have unofficial expert in Australia. Okay, I'm trying to be Sydney and Sydney bitch like.

Make it happens. I believe in y'all. You know what I mean. All you gotta do is literally repost, tell other people to listen, give us mad reviews on iTunes. Listen, It'd be happening to other people. I'm like, okay, so you owe them. I like them?

Yah oh cock, so you would love us? Okay, if you like them, there you go and love us. Tell your mother to listen to us, Tell your dad, people who are in cars all the time.

I mean, how could you not?

Honestly, all the people who send us messages saying that our podcast made you know their year or help them get through a tough time, we appreciate those messages, but also send them to your friends. Yes, send those exact same messages. To the people that are closest to you. It's all about that.

It's all up to y'all.

You know, it's really in your See, our careers.

Are fully in your hands. Yes.

So if you you listener, you right now, you in your car, on the train, in your cubicle.

You and you know how much it costs to do that free ninety ninety free. It's literally the goodness of your heart.

Just well, I feel like I'm one of those evangelists preachers that are like trying to sell their church to people.

Yeah, you're Joel Olstein. Yeah. Did you see the video of the guy the preacher that was uh that was in like a harness and floating over the church. Did you see that? No?

He was like, oh, y'all ready for Jesus to return? And he was flying over the congregation. No, and then he landed at the pulpit and he was like, I said, are you ready for Jesus? And then they had to like unhook him. You didn't see the video, it's on Instagram. He did Spider Man on ice.

What's going on?

Since he was doing the pink like VMA performance. Oh, he was doing shirk the solet for Jesus.

Well, if y'all need us to do that for unofficial Expert, I'm in for it. Put me in a heard you flip in a wigsis, oh honey, for the unofficial I got y'all, I'm not flipping. Make sure the wig is secured, and.

Well, you know what, I'll walk out. You know, we'll have tireate techniques. I'll be sitting there and then the lights will go down and you'll hear ladies and gentlemen.

Let's get ready to run up. And then it'll be like and then Sydney all the way from moll And raising up.

And then it's just gonna be Sydney in a side high boot and like a good wig, a good good wig, but like a backup wik because you gonna pull the wig off.

It's gonna be a middle of the way. It's gonna be a wig reveal. Yeah.

And then I'm gonna have all the products that people send for send to me for free. We're just gonna beet. This is gonna be raining confetti.

Look this listen Expert live in Sydney, Australia at the Opera, and I'll just be on stage waiting for your friend in a full split though, yeah, because everybody's like, well, where's Sydney?

And then I come right and I'm gonna come out and be like, guys, I got bad news. Sydney couldn't come out with me tonight, and people are gonna be like, oh, she's the nice one.

Can we make this happen, y'all?

Okay, that's seen exactly a year sixty five days from now. Oh my god, we're gonna be in We're gonna be in Japan. No, we're gonna be in Tokyo, South Africa.

We're gonna be in Uh, what's the place.

We're gonna be in? Milan? Oh, I would love some Milan. Do you think it would translate over there? Who cares? They'd be like Naomi Campbell, Oh to Naomi Camble.

No, it's gonna be They gonna say now Campbell and they're gonna make and carry watching. No, Serena Williams, it's not a compliment, not a comment, venus, venus also not a commiment.

Okay, okay, ciarra, Okay, you know you just stop stop saying black girls that are doing things.

If somebody says you look like Serena Williams, are not a compliment.

If someone calls you the Serena Williams of something, then that's a compliment.

So she's about doing, not about looking. I mean she'd be having her her looks off the court.

I don't know if Serena listens to this podcast, but your Eyebrows book, can we just e's up the sometimes to make up the glam squad?

Honestly, I'm a fan. I love everything about you.

And if you actually want to send me a tennis ball with an autograph, I'll take that for what.

You're gonna put the tennis ball in your laundry to like dry your sheets. When we're in Australia at the Opera House, I'm gonna come down and then throw it to one of the To the audience members, we're gonna be like, oh cool a green ball.

No, yeah, yeah, I'm excited about this show that we're doing. We're gonna have gift bags for y'all, for all sixty thousand of you guys.

Truly, I want us to go on tour. Can that happen? How many seats in the Australian Opera House? Somebody google it? How many?

How many seats? How many seats in.

The Yeah, we just want to know, you know, we're gonna be doing We.

Got the producers in the studio Australia nine thousand five.

Yeah, do that. We'll have five thousand spell out in one hour. Yea yo, I want us to go on tour. Can that happen? Okay? What are we hitting? We're hitting?

Should have already set this tour up already. But I feel like later on in the year we still have time or the summer. I definitely want to go to Atlanta. I feel like Atlanta would be cool.

You went from Australia to Atlanta.

I mean, we gotta start local with the tour. Okay, well, let's go through the alphabet. Atlanta is an a where you want to go to Baltimore after?

We could go to Boston because it's not that far from here. I don't know if our demo is in Boston.

It's a lot of like ya use guys. Yeah, it's a lot of you know, uh, the padded dudes up there. I don't know if they listen into the unofficials.

Yeah, a lot of Matt Damon's and what a lot of Mark Qualugs, a lot of market marks. Yeah, they might have people waiting after the show to fuck us up so or or.

Just bang us. Hey, what's something, Marie? I heard you like white guys sometime. I'm not doing no white dudes in twenty nineteen. Oh Man's Yeah, I'm gonna still date them, like they can take me out, but I'm not banging no white dudes in twenty nineteen.

Well, you know, I support you. I guess I support you in your journey, your Pean journey, my Peen journey.

It's gonna be so, you know, we got this show and this guy's messaged me on Twitter and was he didn't even send him. He sent me a tweet and was like, hey, do you want to grab a drink and make fun of people for Santa con like, because that was like a couple of weeks ago, where like people get drunk and where Santa costumes and go all over the city.

And this guy was like, do you want to get a drink?

And Mike and I was, you know, I look at his profile and I was like, now, no doubt, why would you do Why.

Would I do that with you? Come on, Chad, You're not even my type. Yeah, you look short and chubby, but.

I'm gonna have that energy into it. In twenty nineteen, I'm gonna have that dude's day. I'm gonna just be tweeting, Hey, hey, Jeff Blue, can you send me some tickets or not. I'm just trying to go to Australia because me and Marie got a tour.

You know what I'm saying, You're about to sell out the opera house.

But I can't do that unless I have free ticket. Okay, so B and then C We're gonna go to Canada, Canada. We're gonna do shows in what's another place of it's with a sea friend. We know nothing cue, but we're gonna show d We're gonna be in.

Denver, Mark, Denmark. I thought we were doing local. We're thinking we're dreaming big.

Okay, We're gonna be in Denmark, Denmark, and then Dublin and then Land and then e e e.

Uh came somebody us. I was gonna say Everland, but that's not a place.

Shout out to Everland again for sending them places.

Edinburgh, Edinburgh, Oh yeah, that's cute.

That's they got a festival there, Okay.

And then France, France, that would be beautiful Yeah, Finland, I feel like I got a perfect little blazer for you got a French blazer.

Yeah, I got a French blazer from French connection.

And do French brains, French twist, going into French breaks and then have French five then made French. I'm gonna have French fries while I'm French kissing your ass not you whose ass?

Not you?

Not?

I mean not.

I knew it wasn't gonna be made. But you're French kissing everybody in the sold out crowd.

Wow, We're to French fries with French tookstore way to bring the mood down. Said, and then I don't know what g let's close out in Georgia.

That's Atlanta.

This is wow already. So you're just gonna go back full circle. You're just gonna go said, gee, guys, look, it's twenty six letters. We'll do twenty six different places.

Yeah, come on, guys, we gotta make it happen.

We need to be we.

Need to be on all the lists. I mean, we already have a U right Union Hall.

We're gonna get Union Hall on Friday, January eleventh. It's a The doors are at nine thirty tickets are online right now, you should.

Get them, Like, what are you doing this? Literally, we haven't even checked if people were buying tickets.

But are we have? Every time we've ever done to show that it's been sold.

Out, sold out here, tell me to do dm in me like, hey, they're saying that there's no more room.

Hello, hello, sold out.

So honestly, if you don't get them now, I can't help you when it's time.

Because people will message us, and it'll be friends, people that we know, or people who message us from you know, regularly for the podcast that are.

Like, hey, they're saying that there's you know, there's no room. Is there anything you could know? There's nothing I can do? Okay, So we're going from Union Hall, so listen, it's up to you. We could be in Madison Square Garden.

In the year, y'all. You hear me. Okay, you hear me. Come on, it's really tell them, let them know. Tell your cousin's cousin's cousin. We will come.

We'll come to Seattle, We'll come to what's a v place, Vienna. We listen everywhere, we'll eat some sausages. We're ready, Vancouver. I'll come to Wichita. I don't know that's Kansas City.

Pull up, Wichita.

I'm not sure. Oklahoma. We might we might pass right through there were not we might not stay.

Look how beautiful we are.

We I mean we legit promoted y'all to us for about fifteen twenty minutes.

That is genius. Honestly, who needs to add I think I deserve a roll up? You do?

By the but sis I had somebody left it here in the students, so I'm gonna eat it.

So we we we had a we had a wonderful year. We moved networks right we We had all the guests.

Shout out to Forever Dog. We had all the guests. You know, it's we're just gonna have more guests next year's talk about who we don't have one. Serena Williams is our first guest for the new year.

Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah yeah.

And everybody's doing Michelle Obama, So like we're gonna do something more, you know, something manner.

Michelle Obamas is Oprah.

Oprah's gonna be on Forever Dog. Let's go through. Let's go through the letters of the alphabet. Hey, Ariana Grande, gonna do it be Beyonce for sure.

She's not booked next year. We've already recorded the Beyonce episode. Yeah, so you guys got to listen and like tell all your friends. Yeah see, put it on the the high sorry, see for Siara, for Cardi bab oh.

If Carti was to be on this podcast, I don't want nobody trying to act like they know me.

Now, okay, like.

That, don't text me. I don't want no d MS. No bitch, you should have had me when we have Molly Austin. Okay, Okay, we got who's gonna be at Union.

Hall on yo.

If you can't feel the chemistry that's in the studio right now, we're on fucking FUEG.

This is gonna happen in Australia, Okay.

And d We're gonna have Doug. Doug Funny, the cartoon is our guest, and he's on the calendar.

Is he still alive?

Doug Funny? The cartoons don't dices, so it's just gonna be me coming in and Doug face. No, oh my god, No, Cidney, that's Roger Klatt Mer City's Halloween costume. Never forget, oh my god.

And then mm, who else is doing. We got Sarah Palin coming in.

Wow, that's gonna be a dry episode. Oh yeah, it's sorry dry. Yeah, I'm gonna drink five bottles of water during that time.

And then uh, we have Donald Trump coming in right straight from prison after the Donald tru in the podcast.

Why would we do dumb Expert? Yeah, definitely need a dumb X ready, he's the only one.

Nobody else could top him our orange expert. Okay, look you see this. We're giving you guys all of this for how much free?

Ninety nine?

If if wait, if wait, now, you can get on the Patreon for five dollars. If you join now, for just five dollars, you two can listen to these messy ass bonus episodes.

Yeah, we name names on the Patriots. Oh my god, Sidney tells even more for business. Oh my god.

You would think you would wait, there's more, you know, that's my life.

But wait, there's more.

Uh, and then anybody else is there? Did we want to mention any other guests.

That we have already booked or recorded for them?

We Hadma Sanders, we had done Perkin weed expert. Yeah, we had Dominica was our no Dick Expert she's getting dick naw tho, yeah, we got We had Larry Owens or code switching expert, we had Matt Rogers, born Yang Catherine Cohen. Like, listen, like the and what is.

Your favorite or what are some of your top episodes for the year that just passed.

My favorite one has got to be April Crunchy mess Storm. Listen, Runaway Bride, run Away Bride. But she's still delusional.

She's dumb. No, she's not dumb. I guess are never dumb.

She was the dumbest person we've ever had, Oh my god, because she was delusional, right, she was supposed to marry this man.

She married this man.

She was in love with her friend, this woman, and they had an affair at the wedding dress fitting, and she got married and.

Her friend was married to a man and had a child. So then somebody tried to come in our DMS and said they were gonna sue us. What we had the money? Who you sue it? No?

No, no, no no.

Their initial email that we got was I know the real story behind this and I would love to be on the body you will follow up episode, And we were like, well, we're not flowing you up.

But you can conference. We get skype, you bitch. We should follow up on that.

We should for the New Year, because the girl was like, oh, they pretended to be best friends and she came to her this her her lover's child's birthday party and they were making out over the cake.

Oh my god, this is just flaunting their scandalous love. This is like some more shit, y'all. Only on that.

You can only catch this on the unofficial expert at Forever Dog.

At Forever Dog and again.

Just for five dollars, we'll throw in some bonus episodes.

We're five extra that we'll throw in a sham wow. But wait, there's more. If you call right now, we'll double the Patreon and you'll get Instead of one a week, you'll get one a week. Wait there's more.

Wait, if you get on the Patreon right now, you are new episodes for the month or marbe or we'll swipe you through swipe through the train.

We got that.

We're giving out swipes for anybody who I'm twenty dollars or more. I'm not taking the train in twenty nineteen. That's my resolution. I'm not taking the train no more. Really, I mean I'm not gonna take it regularly. I'm gonna take the train like once a week, just so I can see how poor people is living.

It's in the contracts, it's no. I was like, I haven't seen the contract friend.

But this has been a wonderful year, so many changes, so many new people, and then o people leaving.

We just we're just so happy to be in a studio. We're so happy to have new listeners. Yes, we're so happy to know that there's gonna be more. We're gonna go on tour.

I just feel like the energy is high, and we're leaving on the highest note. Yes, the highest note, because I smoked weed this morning, the highest.

Of the highest note. I do.

I feel good about it. I feel like personally and professionally we're gonna we're gonna thrive.

We're gonna thrive.

If you're a listener and yep, your dad works, I don't know a Forbes and he got money or something, go ahead and send him my information. Yes, I'm only hanging out with people who are moving forward and have money next year, same h.

So, Sydney, this is the last episode we'll ever do. This, is it? Fremory? I thought we were gonna leave on a high. Make your hand on the middle of the table.

I want to hold it.

No, bitch, no, take it back. Sydney.

You are gonna thrive next year, like you're gonna find your your true calling as whatever you're doing after comedy. I feel like you're gonna thrive. I really truly believe that. Like no one works harder as a stand up than you do.

Marie has both her eyes open, like says, I'm being honest.

I'm looking right at your eyes. I'm giving you direct icons of your pupils.

Is do you see them?

You see I'm pulling them down a little bit underneath a brown Sydney.

Yes, they've always been brown. Oh my god, you know what.

She don't even know what color my eyes are. That's how oh my god, that's how busy we are. Yeah, anyway, hope you knew your friend. Happy New Year to everybody that's listening. Go out there, and uh, if you got if y'all got vision boards and you guys got goals, go ahead and tell us what they are on the on the page.

Yeah, and real resolutions only only put stuff that you can really get and do, Like, don't just don't go over because you're like, oh, you know, I gotta just go above and me on.

Do stuff that's reasonable.

Do stuff that like works like I don't know, I don't know. Maybe have like a goal, like a reach a reach goal, okay, something something to reach for.

Shout out to everybody who's listened to us and has been for like all of these past years. Yeah, I'm talking about Star, I'm talking about Jojo, I'm talking about Sydney.

Who else?

Who else do we have that's listening to the call? I don't even I don't you know, Sis, you know that's what your name is on the graund Everybody, everybody that listens, we love you like a friend. Like a friend.

I feel like I'm hugging you every day.

I'm just giving y'all a cool high five. Yes, secret handshake. Okay, well I think that's it for me. Friend, if we didn't say your name because we only said four names, just to know that. I'm looking through my Instagram right now and I'm not seeing I'm seeing my own comments, but everybody who comments, we love y'all for doing that.

Yes, we love you so much.

It's like there's a gen that listens there's probably like a Bobby a Marriage everybody in Seattle, everybody in Texas.

Or everybody you know.

We love people in Australia that listen, all five thousand of y'all.

There's like a Nina Simone that messages just you know, that's.

Great somebody in Botswana or Bulgaria or something, and we were like, what country is that?

Is that? New York Texas? Anyway? By friends comment subscribe to you on January eleventh. Forever This has been a Forever Dog production executive produced by Brent Bowham, Joe Silio, and Alex Ramsey. For more original podcasts, please visit Foreverdog Podcasts dot com and subscribe to our shows on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. Keep up with the latest Forever Dog news by following us on Twitter and Instagram at Forever Dog Team, and liking our page on Facebook