The Táin Bó Cúailnge - Part 2

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My name is Hannah Prettyman, and I'm here with my father, Kevin Prettyman, to discuss some of the most famous and infamous murders that took place in the medieval and early modern periods. Medieval Murder came to be first as a blog, then as an Instagram, and now as a podcast. The podcast will feature some of the most famous murders in medieval history, some mini-episode series on different types of medieval murders and interviews with historians and history enthusiasts alike.

Today, we are continuing our look at the Ten Bow Cooley, also known as the Cattle Raid of Cooley, which is an Irish saga from the Ulster Cycle of Sagas. As a reminder, we are using the translation of the Ten by Kiara and Carson, created for Penguin Classics. Now, where we last left off, Mev and Elil, the King and Queen of Canact, were marching with a large army to take a large bull from Ulster.

And then, you know, I didn't get the memo or maybe I just wasn't that smart, but this is more mythology, kind of like the prose Eda than actual people. And I'm like, I was trying to frame it up in my mind when we were talking about it last time. I'm like, this is crazy. I mean, how many people lived in Ireland at that time? And so we're explaining some of the mythology. Yeah. And the beliefs, and we may get why the landscapes are there.

Yes, it's more mythology. There could be some real things in there, but it's mostly mythology. Okay. All right. I just got halfway through and like, what is happening here? That's okay. All right. So we're going to pick up where we left off. On the first stage of their march, they went from Kruchan to Kulselin, the site of Locke Carson today, Mev told her driver to hitch up her nine chariots for her to make a circuit of the camp to see who was keen to be on the march and who was not so keen.

Meanwhile, Eliel's tent had been pitched and fitted with beds and blankets. Next to Eliel was Fergus McRock and his tent. Next to Fergus, Cormac Conlongus. Next to him, Conal Cernak. And next to him, Fyakna McPhirfeb, the son of Conchabar's daughter. Mev, daughter of Iachad Fedlek, was on Ilel's other side. Next to her, their daughter Finnebar. Next to her was Flidace, not to mention underlings and servants.

Mev came back from inspecting the army and said it wouldn't do for them to proceed further if the 3,000-strong division of the Galleon were to go as well. So the Galleon are another people of Ireland, So she's saying that they can't they shouldn't be able they shouldn't be able to come. They're like a separate tribe. Yes. And so Ayleel says, why do you disrespect them? I don't disrespect them, said Mev. They are excellent soldiers.

While the others were just getting around to building their huts, they had thatched theirs and were busy cooking. While the others were beginning to eat, they had finished, and their harpers were playing for them. So it won't do for them to come. They take all the credit for our army's triumph. Oh, because they're like really squared away. Yeah, they're like prepared. And these guys are kind of, whoo. Yeah. But they're on our side, said Ayleel. They can't come, said Mev.

Let them stay then, said Ayleel. They can't stay, said Mev, for by the time we've come back, they'll have seized all our lands. What's to be done with them then, said Ayleel, since neither their coming nor their staying pleases you? Wipe them out, said Mev. Oh. Yeah.

Hardcore. Yeah. Paranoid? Yeah, a little paranoid. A typical woman's ploy, I have to say, said Ayleel. And it won't happen, said Burgess, unless you wipe out all of us, for the Galleon are allies of us Ulster exiles. That could be arranged, said Mev. I have here my household guard of two divisions, each 3,000 strong, and my sons, the seven mains, are here with their seven divisions, lucky as they are in battle.

There's main Mathrailmale, the mother-like, main Athrailmale, the father-like, Main Morgor the loyal man, Main Mingor the loyal boy, Main Moipert the incomparable, whom some call Main Milskoshthach the sweet-talker, Main Ando the quick man, and Main Kotogab Uyl the man of all qualities, who is the image of both his father and his mother, and who bears himself as proudly.

There's more to it than that, said Fergus, for we have seven kings of Munster here, each with his division of 3,000, and I could take you on right now in this camp. My own division helped by those seven divisions, not to mention the 3,000 galleon. But let's not get into that, said Fergus. We can arrange things so that the galleon will prove no threat to the main force.

We have 17 divisions encamped here, 3,000 in each division, not counting camp followers and children and women for each king in Mev's campany has brought his consort. The galleon make up the 18th division, let them be split up among the whole army. Whatever it takes, said Mev, provided they don't stay in the close ranks they form now. So it was done. The Galleon were split up among the whole army so that no five of them remained together.

Next morning, they set off towards Moin-Koltna, the banquet bog. They came across eight score deer in a single herd. They encircled them and killed them. Wherever there was a Galleon soldier, he got a deer. The rest of the army got five deer between them. Then they came to Mag-Trega, the Plain of Spheres. Spears, where they camped and prepared their food. Some people say that it was here that the Dubthak chanted this verse.

Listen well to Dubthak's words uttered in a dream of strife, armies wearing up because the white horn left Ayleel's wife. One man equal two of fours protects Morthim's cattle. Since two swine herds once were friends, crows drink the milk of battle. The dark waters of the Kron will keep them from the Morthim until soldiers' work be done, of north at Mount Ochan. Quick, says Ilel to Cormac, come and stand by your son's side. Cattle graze upon the plain, battle den spreads far and wide.

War will come when it is due with a third of Mev's forces. Should the torqued man come to you, he'll make dead meat of all of you. Okay. Yeah. So... They are, they're eating a lot of deer. They're eating a lot of deer, yeah. I mean, there's a lot of them, and the battle hasn't even started yet. Yes, and they're also kind of using the, because in our last episode, we talked about the seer, who had seen, you know, everything being read because they were going to fail due to this kind of hound man.

And so they're referring to him as the twerked man, if the twerked man comes to you. So, yeah, I mean, but she's just going for it. Mm-hmm. Yeah. She was willing to take them all out if she had to, to become the best. Right. And she knows she's going to lose. Or it's foretold that she's going to lose. It's foretold that she's going to lose, yeah. But she's still a little overconfident.

Confidence. Then the Nemen, the battle goddess, assailed them. It was not the quietest of nights for them, for Dubthoc kept bawling out in his sleep. Many started from their beds and panic swept through the ranks until Mev came forth and restored order. The army marched on. They discussed who should lead them from one province to the other, and it was agreed it should be Fergus, because this, for him, was a grudge war.

He had been king of Ulster for seven years, and when the sons of Usnek had been put to death despite his guarantees, he had left the province, and had been 17 years away from Ulster in enmity and exile. So it seemed right that Fergus should be their leader. Fergus led them, but he still felt pangs of affection for the people of his native province, and he led the troops astray, making a great detour to the

south, and he sent messengers to warn the Ulstermen and employed a series of delaying tactics. Oh. So he wanted to go back to Ulster, but he's been shunned, exiled. And his kingdom taken from him. And it seemed like the way to get it back would be to attack. It would, but he also still loves his people. He was king of them, so he doesn't really want to attack them. So he's delaying. Maybe they'll flip over to a side. Let's see. Yeah.

Ayleel and Mev noticed this, and Mev said, Fergus, this is a strange way. Do we go back or forward? To the north and south we stray through every kind of border. Fergus replied, Mev, what disorders you sow? There's no double crossing here. Woman, we need to go slow to the Ulstermen's empire. Mev said, Ayleel and I were afraid that you'd played the army false, or perhaps your mind has strayed from taking the proper course.

Fergus replied, The crooked way that I went was not to betray our men, but rather to circumvent the guard of Mertham plain. Mev said, If you are swayed by kinship, don't you think you should abstain from leading horses? Perhaps someone else should take the reins. Fergus replied, My mind has not gone astray from homesickness. I just mean to put off the certain day when we shall meet Kuchulen, which is the dog man. Right. And do we know... Okay. So he's not eager for battle and he doesn't want

to attack his people. Yeah. Yeah. After the army had been led astray over Bogland and border, they went to Granard in north Tephtha, where they spent the night. Meanwhile, Fergus's warning messages had been received by the Ulstermen, who were still laid low by the curse, all except Coo Chulain and his father, Soldam.

When they got Fergus's message, they went as far as Ard Culin, the holy height, to watch for the enemy forces. Their horses grazed around the pillar stone that stands there. Suldam's horses cropped the grass down to the soil on the north side, and Kud Chulain's horses cropped the grass down to the soil and the bedrock on the south side. Father, I feel it in my bones, said Kud Chulain, that the enemy is near.

Go and warn the Ulstermen not to stay on the open plains, but to keep to the woods and the wastelands and the wild glens of the province so as to evade the Irish army. And you, my son, where will you go? I must go south to Tara to meet Feldom Some people say he meant to spend the night with her. Bondmaid, who was secretly his bedfellow, to fulfill a solemn promise I made to her.

Shame on anyone who does so, said Sol Dam, and leaves the Ulstermen to be ground underfoot by their enemies for the sake of going to see a woman. But I must go, for if I don't, men's promises will be called lies and women's promises the truth. Sol Dam went to warn the Ulstermen. Kuchulain went into the wood, and with a single stroke, he cut a prime oak sapling. Closing one eye and using one foot and one hand, he made a hoop of it.

He cut an Ogham inscription on the peg of the hoop, and he put the hoop around the narrow part of the standing stone of Ardkulin. And he forced the hoop down onto the thick part of the stone. Then he went on to see his woman.

So basically, he kind of made a... Made a little detour there. Yeah, a little detour. So he's going to see this woman. He talked a little bit about a curse on the Ulstermen. Yes. Do we know what the curse was? I think the curse is the army oh okay yeah I think the curse is the army that's coming for them. Gotcha. The Irish army approached Ardculan. Aaron Ennil and their two charioteers, Fjok and Falklum, the four sons of Yard Mac-Aknin, were at the head of the army.

It was their job to keep the cloaks and rugs and brooches of the main force from being soiled by the dust raised up as they advanced. They found the hoop left there by Coochulane and noticed how Soldam's horses had cropped the grass down to the soil, while Coochulane's hat cropped it down to the bedrock. They sat and waited till the main force came up and their harpers played for them.

They gave the hoop to Fergus McRoch, who read out the Ogham inscription on it. When Mev arrived, she said, Why are you waiting here? We're waiting, said Fergus, because of this hoop. There's an Ogham message on its peg which reads, Proceed no further unless a man among you can make a hoop like this from one tree with one hand. Anyone except my comrade Fergus. Obviously, Coochulain had done this, and it was his horses that grazed here.

He gave the hoop to a druid and chanted this verse. this hoop what does it imply what is its secret intent and how many put it here one man or a regiment will havoc strike our forces if we overstep this mark druids explain if you can these words cut into the bark the druid replied a great soldier cut this hoop to confound his enemies and contain a royal troop just one man with just one hand the king's army must obey or transgress the rule of war unless

one of you finds a way to do what one has done that is all i know of why the hoop was left on the stone. Then Fergus said, if you ignore this hoop and go past it, I swear that the great soldier who made it will find you, though you be hidden underground or in a locked room, and he will kill one of you before morning unless you make a hoop just as he did.

We are not so eager for one of our men to be killed just yet, said Eilil. Let's make our way through the wood to the south of Fidion. We don't need to go this way. The army cut down the wood to make a road for the chariots. The place is called Slechta to cut. According to another account, however, it was here that Kolkwi, between Mev and the prophetess Fedelm, took place, as related above, and the wood was cut down after an answer she gave to Mev thus.

Look for me, said Mev, and see how many army will do. It is hard for me, said the young woman. I can't see them properly for the wood. We'll soon change that, said Mev. We'll cut down the wood. So it was done, and Shlechna is the name of that place, the cut. It is here that the part Tragi dwell. Oh, so they just laid waste to a forest. Yeah, and they brought the seer with them.

Okay. So that's who she was talking to. Yeah, they're not listening to her. Okay. You only hear what you want to hear. Exactly. Yeah. They spent the night in Quil-Sibriel, Sinanas as it is now known. Heavy snow fell on them, up to the men's belts and the chariot wheels. They could prepare no food, nor could they sleep, and they rose early to make their way across the glistening snow. As for Coochulane, it wasn't so early when he got up after spending the night with his woman.

Then he had to wash and bathe, and it was later still when he told his charioteer, Lague, to hitch up the horses. Eventually, they found the tracks of the army. If only we hadn't gone there, said Coochulane, and betrayed the men of Ulster. We've let the army come through and gave no warning. Make an estimate of the enemy's numbers. Leg examined the tracks from all sides and said to Coochulane, They're all mixed up. I can't arrive at an estimate.

They wouldn't be mixed up if I looked at them, said Coochulane. Get out of the chariot, said Leg. Coochulane got out of the chariot and examined the tracks for a long time. Even you don't find it easy, said Leg. It is easier for me, however, said Coochulain, for I have three gifts, namely the gift of sight, the gift of intellect, and the gift of reckoning.

I've reckoned up the numbers. There are 18 divisions, each 3,000 strong, but the 18th division, the 3,000 galleon, has been split up among the whole army, and that's what's mixed up the count. So somehow, he was able to tell that this is how many men they have. Okay. Yeah, by sending all those other guys to enter, to separate them out, it would throw off the numbers, they're sure. Yep. Then Coochulain made a detour around the army till he came to Athgrenah,

the sunny ford. He cut the fork of a tree with one stroke of his sword. He cut an oga message on it and stuck it in the middle of the stream so that a chariot could not pass on this side or that. No sooner done than Aaron Enel and their two charioteers, Fjok and Fjoklom, came upon him. He cut off their four heads and impaled them on the four prongs of the fork. Okay. So now we know for sure that Kuchelain is a badass. Right. And gives no mercy.

The horses of the four men went back to the army with their reins trailing and their harness covered in blood. Everyone thought they must have met a battle force at the ford. A scouting party was sent ahead to see what had happened, but they saw nothing but the track of a single chariot and the fork with the four heads and the Ogham inscription on it. Then the whole army came up. Are those the heads of some of our people,

said Mev? "'They are indeed, and some of our best people at that,' said Eliel. "'One of the men read out the Ogham writing on the side of the fork.

"'One man struck this fork here with one hand, "'and none shall pass it unless one of you pluck it out with one hand.' "'I am astonished,' said Eliel, "'at how quickly the four were killed.' "'You should be more astonished,' said Fergus, "'that the fork was struck from the trunk with a single stroke, "'as will be seen by the single cut at its baits, "'for it was planted without a hole being dug for it "'and thrown with one hand from the back of a chariot.'.

Oh, okay. Yeah. Fergus, get us out of this fix, said Mev. Bring me a chariot, said Fergus. They brought Fergus a chariot. He tugged at the fork with all his might, and the chariot broke into bits under him. Bring me another chariot, said Fergus. Again he tugged at the fork, and again the chariot broke into bits under him. He broke seventeen of the Knochtman's chariots in this way. Then he said, bring me my own chariot.

From his own chariot he pulled the fork from where it had been planted, and they saw that its base was a single cut. Then Fergus chanted this verse. Here is the famous forked pole, the hard man cuchillain spiked with the lopped heads of four foes posted as a sign of spite. Before none, however brave, would he retreat from the fork, the hound left with limbs and scathe and blood dripping from the bark. Woe to the troops that march east to hunt the rugged brown bull.

Men will be cut to pieces by the fierce sword of the hound. Difficult to take the bull, in battle with weapons keen. When a thousand heads have rolled, Ireland and her tribes will weep. Nothing more shall I say now concerning Dectir's son, but the business of the fork shall be heard by everyone. What is the name of this ford, Fergus, said Elil? Athgrenna, said Fergus, the sunny ford, but from now on it will be called Athgabla, the ford of the fork.

Okay. So now we can kind of see how this story is showing how things have been named, how they've kind of come to be just kind of the geography of Ireland. Yes, and why there's no trees. They cut them all down. They did cut them all down. Okay, so now we're going to make our way to the next part.

Which is called The Boyhood Deeds of Coochulain. So we're kind of going back in time to... Like in his origin story. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that we're about to learn his origin story. Let us turn our minds, said Ayleel, to the kind of people who we will soon have to deal with. Let you all make ready your food. It wasn't easy for you last night with the snow. And let us hear some of the adventures and stories of those people. It was then that they were told of the exploits of Coochulain.

Ayleel asked, Was it Khanshabar who did this? Not likely, said Fergus. He'd never venture to the border country without a full battalion around him. So was it Kaltar Makuthdir? Not likely, said Fergus. He'd never venture to the border country without a full battalion either. So was it Eogen Makdurtak? Not likely. He'd never venture to the border country without 30 scythed chariots along with him. The candidate for this deed, said Fergus, is Kuchulain.

Only he would have cut the tree from its base with a single stroke and killed the four as quickly as they were killed. And only he would have come to the border accompanied only by his charioteer. What kind of man, said Ayleel, is this hound of ulster we hear tell of? How old is this notorious youth? Not hard to tell, said Fergus. In his fifth year, he joined the games of the young fellows in Iman. In his sixth year, he went to study warcraft and tactics under Scafak.

The shadow, and to court a mare. In his seventh year he took up arms. He is now in his seventeenth year. Is he the hardest man in Ulster, said Mev? The hardest, surely, said Fergus.

You'll not meet a tougher opponent, no spear-pointed sharper, quicker or more piercing, no fighter fiercer, no raven more ravenous, no one of his age a third as brave, no lion more ferocious, no bulwark in battle, no mighty sledgehammer, no shield of soldiers, no nemesis of armies as able as him there's no one of his generation to match him for build for gear for fearsome looks or sweetness of expression none to match his splendid form and voice his stern strength his

striking power and battle bravery his doom-dealing fire and fury and his violence and victory his skill in stalking and slaughtering game his swiftness sureness and unconquerable rage not to mention the feet of nine men on every spear point no there's none to match kuchulin he's got the rage He does have the rage. He sounds very similar to Eggle. Right. He's got the rage going in. He's got the rage at a young age. Yep. Yeah. Six, seven. Yeah. Yeah.

Let's not pay too much heat to that, said Mev. He has only one body. He is mortal. He is not beyond capture. Besides, he's only the age of a big girl, and his manly deeds are yet to come. Not so, said Fergus. It would be little wonder for him to perform great deeds right now, for even when he was a mere boy, his deeds were those of a grown man. He was reared, said Fergus, by his father and mother, a derg dig, the oaken house in Murtham Plain.

There he heard great stories about the young fellows in Eman. At any one time, said Fergus, three fifties of young fellows there are engaged in sport. This is how Khanshabar spends his time ever since he became king.

One third of the day watching the young fellows, one third playing chess, and one third drinking ale until he falls asleep while his musicians play for him. And though he drove me into exile, said Fergus, I'd still maintain that he's the greatest warrior in Ireland. Coochulain asked his mother to let him go and join the young fellows. You'll not go, said his mother, without a bodyguard of Ulstermen. I can't wait for them, said Coochulain. Point me towards the men.

It's north from here, said his mother, but it's hard traveling, for the heights of Slaab Fiat lay beyond. I'll try it all the same, said Coochulain. He set off with his toy shield and his toy javelin and his hurly stick and ball, and to shorten the journey, he'd strike the ball a long way with his stick, then throw the stick after the ball and the javelin after ball and stick. Then he would run after them and catch stick, ball, and javelin before they hit the ground.

Ooh, he's fast. He's fast. He's fast. And we got the hurling stick already? Yep. I like it. He arrived at the great playing field in a man where the young fellows were playing a match, refereed by Folliman, Conchabar's son. He ran onto the field, and when the ball was struck towards him, he caught it between his knees, and not one of the boys managed to tackle him before he had carried the ball over the goal line.

Well, boys, said Falloman, have a go at yawn fellow, for it's against the rules for another fellow to join the game without asking for permission or protection. Coochulain didn't know that this was the form, that no one took the field without asking for permission or protection. The fellow insults us, said Folliman, though he does seem to be an Ulster fellow. Go for him. They threw three fifties of javelins at him, and they all struck in his toy shield.

They drove three fifties of hurling balls at him, and he stopped them all with his chest. They flung three fifties of hurleys at him, and he warded them off with his one hurley. The twerk seized him. His hair stood on end. You'd think each hair had been hammered into his head. Each hair seemed tipped with a spark, so sharply did they shoot upright. He closed one eye as narrow as the eye of a needle. He opened the other as wide as the mouth of a goblet.

He bared his teeth from ear to ear. He opened his gob so wide you could see the inside of his gullet. The hero's light sprang from the crown of his head. Then he went for the young fellows. He knocked down 50 of them before they reached the gates of the man. Nine of them, said Fergus, clattered past Conchabar and myself as we were playing chess, and he came buck-lepping after them over the chessboard. Conchabar caught him by the wrist. You're not treating these lads very well, said Conchabar.

I'm right not to, comrade Conchabar, he said. I left my home, my mother and my father, to join their games, and they didn't treat me very well. What's your name, said Khonshabar? I am Setanta, the son of Saldom and your sister Dieter. It didn't seem likely that I'd be attacked here. Why didn't you get someone to protect you against the young fellows? I didn't know I had to, so give me your protection.

Agreed, said Khonshabar. He turned round and began chasing through the house after the squad of young fellows. What have you gotten for them now, said Khonshibar? I'm going to give them my protection, said Kuchulain. Give it here and now, said Khonshibar. Agreed, said Kuchulain. Everyone went out on the playing field, and the boys who'd been knocked down got up again, helped by their foster mothers and their foster fathers. He's quite the sportsman. He's quite the sportsman, and he has a temper.

Yes, and he's not a big rule follower or doesn't care about him. He's just going to go for it. But he also didn't know. But still, I mean, at this point he's six. Right. So. Just kind of, which is about, I don't know. Eggle killed his first person kind of in a sporting event like that. Mm-hmm. When he was a young man. Yeah. Yes, he did. Interesting. For a while, said Fergus, when he was just a lad and a man, he couldn't get to sleep until morning. Tell me, said Contabar.

Why you can't sleep? I can't sleep unless my head and my feet are on the one level. So Contabar had a stone plinth made for his head and another for his feet with a special bed propped between them. One time, some man or other went to wake him. Kuchulan hit him so hard on the forehead with his fist that he drove the bone into his brain and knocked over the stone plinth with his arm. Now that, said Ileal, was a fighter's fist and a champion's arm.

From then on, said Fergus, no one dared wake him, but left him to wake in his own time. So the first man he killed was on accident. It was kind of the morning startle. Yeah. Yeah, don't wake him up. Another time, he was playing ball in the east field just himself against three fifties of young fellows. He kept beating them. They tried to grab hold of him, but he laid into them with his fist and knocked out fifty of them.

Then he showed them a clean pair of heels and hid under the mattress of Contravar's bed. The hole of Ulster went for him. Contravar went for him. I went for him myself. He got to his feet under the bed and he tossed the bed and the thirty brave fellows that were hanging onto it into the middle of the house. At length, the Ulsterman cornered him. We got to talking then, said Fergus, and made a peace between the young fellows and himself.

Oh, nice. A war broke out between Ulster and Yogan, Macdirakth. The Ulstermen went off to battle. Kuchulain was left to his sleep. Ulster got beat. Khanchabar and Kurashna, Menemaka, and a pile of others were left for dead. Their groans awoke Kuchulain. He stretched himself and split the stone plinths at his head and feet. Brikru there saw it being done, said Fergus. Then he got up. I saw him at the gate of the fort as he came in badly wounded. Phew!

Comrade Fergus, good to see you, he said. Where's Conchabar? I don't know, I said. He went on his way. It was one dark night. He made for the battlefield. He met a man with half his head gone and the half of another man on his back. Help me, Coochulain, he said. I'm wounded, and I'm carrying half my brother on my back, carrying him a while for me. I will not, said Coochulain. The other threw his burden at him Coochie Lane threw it off They grappled Coochie Lane was thrown down.

Then I heard a thing, the Bev calling out from among the corpses. Poor material for a soldier sprawled at the feet of a ghost. Cuchulain got up, struck off his opponent's head with his hurley, and began driving it like a ball across the plain. Is comrade Conchabar in the battlefield? Conchabar made answer. Cuchulain went to him and found him in a ditch half buried under a pile of muck. What brings you to the battlefield, said Conchabar, where you might catch your death of fright.

Coochulain pulled him out of the ditch. No six of the strongest oldstermen among us could have pulled him out so bravely. Go on ahead to yonder house, said Conchabar, and light me a fire. He lit a big fire for him. Good, said Conchabar. Now if only I had a roast pig, I might just live. I'll go and get one, said Coochulain. He went out. He saw a man at a cooking pit in the middle of the wood. One hand was on his weapons, and the other was roasting a wild pig.

He was one ferocious looking man, but Kuchulain attacked him and took his head as well as the pig. Conchabar ate the pig. Yeah. But he's just kind of running amok here, man. He really is. Conchabar ate the pig. Let's go home, said Conchabar. They found Kurashid Conchabar's son on the way. He was badly wounded. Kuchulain took him on his back, then the three of them made for him and Macca.

Another time, the Ulstermen were laid low by the curse. The curse, said Fergus, does not affect our women or children or anyone from outside Ulster, nor does it affect Kuchulain and his father, and no one dares shed the blood of an Ulstermen when he's in this condition, for if they did, they would get the curse too, or they'd waste away or die young. Okay, I don't know what the curse is. But they must be sickly. Yeah, well, it sounds like it's a, might be that original curse about Ulster,

being an Ulster man and fighting. Yeah. A raiding party of 27 came from the Isles of Fack and broke into the rear courtyard while we lay smitten by the curse. The women of the fort began screaming. The young fellows out on the playing field came running in when they heard their cries. But when they saw these dark-looking men, they took to their heels, all except Coochoo Lane. He attacked them with slingstone and hurly stick. He killed nine of them and received 50 wounds in the process.

Then they made off. Is it any wonder, said Fergus, that someone who could do such deeds when he was not yet five should come to the border and cut off the heads of those four? Okay, he was very young then, actually. He was four. The boy is well known to us, said Conald Cernak, not least because he was given to us to foster. Not long after what Fergus told you, he did another great deed.

Kulan the smith was playing a great feast for Conchabar, and he asked him not to bring too many guests, for he hadn't much in the way of land or property to provide a big spread, only what he had earned by the work of his hands and his tongs. So Conchabar set out with fifty chariot loads of the highest and mightiest of his warriors. Before he went, he visited the playing field. It was his custom, whether leaving or returning, to go there for the Youngfellows to wish him well.

He saw Kuchulain playing ball against three fifties of Youngfellows and beating them. When they played the hole game, Kuchulain filled the hole with all his shots, every one of them unstoppable. When they came their turn to shoot, he saved all their shots single-handed. Not a single ball went past him. When they played wrestling, he threw all three fifties of them by himself, and no matter how many came at him, they couldn't throw him.

When they played strip tag, he stripped them all stark naked while they couldn't so much as take the pin out of his cloak. Conchabar thought it was a wonderful performance. He asked if Kuchulain would still so outdo them in ability when they came to be big men. They all agreed that he would. Conchabar said to Kuchulain, come with me, he said, to this great feast we're going to. I'd like you to be my guest. I haven't finished playing yet, comrade Conchabar. I'll come on later.

When everyone had arrived at the feast, Kulan said to Conchabar, is there anyone else still to come? No one, said to Conchabar. He'd forgotten he'd invited his foster son to join them. That's not going to end well. I have a mastiff hound, said Kulan, with three chains on him and three men at the end of every chain. He's a Spanish breed. Let him loose to guard the livestock and lock up the fort.

Meanwhile, the lad was approaching Kulan's house. To shorten the distance, he'd throw his ball a long way. Then, judging the distance exactly, he'd throw his hurley after the ball so that the hurley struck the ball. Then he'd run after them and catch the ball and stick before they hit the ground. The hound got his scent and began to bay.

Then it went for him. The lad struck his ball with his hurley so that the ball shot down the throat of the hound and carried its insides out through its backside. Then he grabbed two of its legs and smashed it to pieces against a nearby pillar stone. Gross. A little violent. Yeah. Kind of a little violent lad there. Yeah, he really is. Yeah. Conchabar had heard the bang of the hound. Ah, comrades, he said, how I wish that this feast had never been.

What, why makes you say that, they all asked. The lad I invited to come later, my sister's son, Setana, son of Soldam, has been killed by the hound. All the Ulstermen jumped up and rushed out to fetch him, some of them leaping over the rampart, others through the gate. Burgush reached him first and carried him to Conchabar's arms. A great cheer went up that the son of the king's sister had escaped death. Kulan came out and saw his hound lying scattered in pieces. He went back into the house.

You are welcome, boy, for the sake of your mother's heart, but for my own part how I wish that this feast had never been. My livelihood is no life. My household is an empty house now that I have lost my hound. He guarded my life and my honor, he said. This loyal servant that has been taken from me, my hound, he was shield and shelter for my goods and cattle, guardian of my beasts about the house or in the fields.

Not to worry, said the lad. I'll rear you up a pup with the same breed, and until such time as he's big and strong enough for work, I will be your hound to guard your cattle and yourself, and I will guard Murthim plain. No herd or flock will be led away from me without my knowing it. Then your name shall be Coochulain, the hound of Kolan, said Cathbad.

It's a good name for me, said Coochulain. It's no surprise that someone who did this, when he was not yet seven, should do great deeds now that he is seventeen, said Conal-Sernak. Here's another thing he did, said Fyakna MacFerbethem. Cathbad the Druid was staying with his son, Conchabar MacNessa. Along with him were a hundred dedicated young men being trained in Druid lore. Those were the sort of numbers Cathbad would take on. One of his pupils asked him what that day might be favorable for.

Cathbad said that if a warrior took up arms that day, his name would endure in Ireland as a byword for heroic deeds, and that stories about him would be told forever. Coochulain heard this. He went to Conchabar to ask for arms, and Conchabar said, On whose recommendation? Comrade Cathbad, said Coochulain. We know Cathbad well, said Conchabar. He gave him sword, shield, and spear. Coochulain brandished them about the Great Hall and smashed them to bits.

Conchabar gave him another sword, another shield, another sphere. Coochulain brandished them about the Great Hall and smashed them to bits. The lad went through the fifteen sets of weapons that Conchabar kept for novice warriors or in case of breakage, and he made bits and pieces of them all. Finally, he was given Conchabar's own weapons. These did him rightly.

He held them aloft and saluted the king, whose arms they were, and said, Long life to their kith and kin, whose king is the man whose arms these are. Cathbad came in and said, The boy is taking up arms? So, said Conchabar. Then this is one unlucky's mother's son, said Cathbad. How's that? Did you not recommend him yourself, said Conchabar. Certainly not, said Cathbad. Why did you lie to me, you twisted little imp, said Conchabar to Coochulane.

Oh, king of the Fianna, it was no lie, said Coochulane. He was telling his pupils this morning, south of a man, what this day might be favorable for, and I heard him, and that's why I came to you. It is true, said Cathbad, that this day favors one thing. There is no doubt that the one who takes the garments today will achieve great fame, but his life will be short. Fine by me, said Coochie Lane. So long as I'm famous, I'm happy to live just one day on Earth.

Oh. All righty. A lot to say when you're six or seven. Right. Yep. Is it a true six or seven? Do we think these guys are like, is he like a giant? You know what I mean? He might be. I mean, to be able to do all this. They haven't said anything about how big he is. Right. Because you had the giant's causeway that we talked about. You know, there were. That's true. Little giants. That is true. You know. Another day, someone else asked the druid what that day might be fair rolled

for. Whoever takes command of a chariot today, said Cathbad, his name will live forever in Ireland. Coochulain heard this and went to Conchabar and said, Comrade Conchabar, a chariot for me. A chariot was got for him. Coochulain grabbed the shafts of the chariot and broke the chariot. He broke twelve chariots in the same way. He must be a giant. Finally, Conchabar's chariot was got for him, and it did him rightly.

He got into the chariot with Conchabar's charioteer. the charioteer, he was called Ybor, gave the chariot a turn. You can get out now, said the charioteer. These horses are very special. I'm rather special myself, my good man, said Coochulain. Just drive on round a man, and I'll make sure it's worth your while. The charioteer drove off, and Coochulain made him go down the road to greet the young fellows, so as they can wish me luck.

Then he had him go a bit further down the road, and as they drove on, he said, don't spare the horses. Where to, said Ybor. Wherever the road takes us, said Coochulain. So they came to Sliabhruat, where they found Kanaal Xernak. It was Kanaal's turn to guard the province that day. Every one of Ulster's finest soldiers had a day stint on Sliabhruat to offer safe passage to anyone who came with poetry or challenge anyone who came to fight. No one proceeded to a man without being checked.

May you prosper forever, said Kunal, and have victory in battle. Go back to the fort, Kunal, and leave me here a while to stand guard, said Coochulain. You'd just about do, said Kunal, for taking care of someone who comes with poetry, but if it comes to fighting, you're a little young. Let's leave it then. Yeah, it was a bad thing to say. All right. Let's leave it then, said Coochulain. Meanwhile, why don't we go and see what's happening down at the Loch Yatra's Crossing.

There's usually a good gathering of warriors there. Good choice, said Kunal. They set off. Coochulain fired a stone from the ceiling and broke the shaft of Kunal's chariot. Little boy, why did you fire that stone, said Kunal. To test the accuracy of my hand and eye, said Coochulain. Now, comrade Kunal, since it's against the Ulster Code to drive a chariot which is unsafe, why don't you take yourself back to Amman and leave me here to stand guard?

I've little choice, said Kunal. So Kunal Sirnok went no further with him. Coochulain went on to Lachyachtra, but found no one there. The charioteer said to Coochulain that they ought to go back to a mountain in time for the drinking. Not that, said Coochulain. What's that mountain over there? Sliab-mon-durin, Fist Mountain, said the charioteer. Let's go there, said Coochulain.

So they went there, and when they had reached the mountain, Coochulain said, What's that white cairn yonder on the mountaintop? Fincairn, the white cairn, said the charioteer. What plane is that down there? Magma Breg, Bregia Plain, said the charioteer. Likewise, he told him the name of every fort between Tara and Senenos. He told him the name of every field and ford, the famous places and their fortresses and hill forts.

Lastly, he pointed out the stronghold of the three sons of Neknesin, who were called Fiol, Vinal, and Tuachil. Are they the ones, said Coochulain, who say the Ulstermen they've killed outnumber those who are alive? The very same, said the charioteer. Let's meet them, said Coochulain. That would be dangerous, said the charioteer. We're not here to run from danger, said Coochulane. So they drove on.

They unhitched the horses where the bog and river met, upstream and south from the enemy's stronghold. He took the spansel hoop that was on the standing stone there and threw it as far as his arm was able into the river to let it drift downstream, thus challenging the mark set by the sons of Nectesan. The sons took note of this and set off to find him.

After throwing the hoop into the river, Coochulane lay down to sleep beside the standing stone, saying to his turriteer, Don't wake me for one or two, but wake me if they all come. Oh, okay. Yeah. The charioteer was terrified. He hitched up the horses and got the chariot ready. He pulled at the rugs that were under Coochoo Lane and the furs that were on top of him, trying not to wake him, for Coochoo Lane had told him not to wake him if only one or two came.

Then all the sons of Necta Sen arrived. What have we here? said one of them. Only a little boy out on his first drive in a chariot, said the charioteer.

Then he's one unlucky mother's son said the warrior his first day under arms will be a bad day take yourself off our land and graze your horses here no more the reins are in my hand said charioteer we don't want to cause trouble can't you see the boys asleep boy indeed said coochie lane well this boy seeks battle with a man my pleasure said the warrior you can have your pleasure in yonder ford said coochie lane you'd be well advised said the charioteer to watch this man you're going to fight.

His name is Fjall Sleekit, and if you don't get him at the first go, you won't get him all day. I swear that by the god of Ulster that he won't use his sleek skills against Ulsterman again. Once the broad spear of my comrade Conchabar leaves my hand to seek him out, it'll find him like an outlaw's hand. He fired the spear clean through him, and it broke his back. He took his weapons and his head for trophies.

Watch out for the next man, said the charioteer. His name is Funnel, and he skims the water lightly as a swan or swallow. He won't use his skimming skills against Ulsterman again, said Cuchelain. You've seen how good I am in the pool at Iman. They met in the ford. Coochulain killed him and took his weapons and his head for trophies. Watch out for the next man you have to face, said the charioteer. His name is Tuachal Shifty, and he's well-named for no weapon has ever got near him.

I'm ready for him with my riddling rod, the wily weapon that will make a bloody sieve of him, said Coochulain. He fired the spear at him, and it tore him to pieces where he stood. Coochulain went up and cut off his head. He gave the head and the weapons to the charioteer. Then he heard the cry of their mother, Neknesen. He put the Sen's weapons in their heads into the chariot and said, I won't let go of these trophies until we reach a man, Maka.

They left with the spoils. Then Kuchulain said to the charioteer, You promised us good driving. We'll need it now, for after such a great fight, there's sure to be a great chase. They drove on to Sliabfuat. With Kuchulain urging the charioteer on, so fast did they drive across Burgia Plain that the horses overtook the wind and the birds in flight, and Kuchulain could catch the stone he'd fired from his sling before it hit the ground. They reached Sliaphuat and found a herd of deer before them.

What are those frisky animals over there, said Coochulain? Wild deer, said the charioteer. What would the men of Ulster rather have brought home, a live one or a dead one? Live would be wonderful, said the charioteer, for there's not many that could do it. But there's not a man in Ulster who hasn't brought back a dead one. You can't take them alive. I can, said Coochulain. Don't spare the horses and drive on through the bog.

The charioteer did so, and the horses got bogged down. Coochulain got out of the chariot and grabbed the deer nearest him, the pride of the herd. He brought the deer under control and lashed the horses on through the bog. Then he hitched the deer to the two back shafts of the chariot. The next thing they saw before them was a flock of swans. What would the men of Ulster rather have brought in, a live one or a dead one? The experts take them alive, said the charioteer.

Coochulain fired a little stone at the birds and brought down eight of them. Then he fired a bigger stone and got twelve more. He did this with his ricochet stun shot. Go you out and get the birds, said Coochelaine. If I go out to get them, this wild stag here will go for you. It's no easy thing for me to get out, said the charioteer.

The horses are so fired up I can't get past them, and the iron rims of the chariot wheels are too sharp for me to get over them, and I can't get past the stag because his antlers stretch from one shaft of the chariot to the other. Step out onto his antlers then, said Coochelaine. I swear by the god of Ulster, I'll threaten him with such a headbutt and fix my eyes on him with such a look that he'll not even dare to nod his head at you.

Oh, going with the headbutt. Yeah. So it was done. Coochoo Lane tied the reins and the chariot tears stepped out to gather up the birds. Coochoo Lane hitched the birds to the ropes and straps of the chariot. This was how he proceeded to Eamon Maka. A wild stag hitched behind, a flock of swans flapping above, and three severed heads in his chariot. They reached a man. There's a man approaching us in a chariot, cried the lookout, and a man maka.

He's got the bloody heads of his enemies in his chariot and a flock of wild birds overhead and a wild stag hitched behind. He'll spill the blood of every soldier in the fort unless you act quickly and send the naked women out to meet him. Poochulain turned the left board of his chariot towards a man to show his disrespect, and he said, I swear by the god of Ulster that unless a man is sent to fight me, I'll spill the blood of everyone in the fort.

Bring on the naked woman, said Conchabar. The woman of a man came out to meet him, led by Mugwan, the wife of Conchabar, Magnesa, and they bared their breasts at him. These are the warriors you must take on today, said Mugwan. He hid his face. The worries of a man grabbed him and threw him into a barrel of coral water. The barrel burst to bits around him. They threw him into another barrel, and the water boiled up till it seemed it was boiling with fists.

By the time they'd pulled him into a third barrel, he'd cooled down enough just to warm the water through. Then he got out, and Magan the Queen wrapped him in a blue cloak with a silver brooch in it and a hooded tunic. She brought him to sit on Conchabar's knee, and that was where he sat from then on. Is it any wonder, said Fjokmak Fairfab, that someone who did all this when he was seven should triumph against all odds and be all comers in Fairfait, and now that he's reached 17?

Yep. So he's been living a violent life. He has been living a violent life from, like, age four to seven. Right. Yeah, he's really getting... He's a badass. He's getting his training. Yeah, and these stories are being told to the army who's basically going to encounter him. Yeah, that seems counterproductive. I mean, yeah, you need to know what you're facing, but, you know, you're going to freak them out a little bit.

I kind of think Fergus is telling them all this, though, so that they will turn around. Because as much as he misses Ulster, I don't think he wants anybody to die. Or he doesn't want to die. It could be that he doesn't want to die, too. Or he knows. It sounds like it's a hopeless proposition. Which, given what this man has done at age seven, yes, it probably is. All for a cow. A giant cow, though. A giant cow. The brown bull. Yeah.

All over a cow. Yeah. Craziness. Craziness. Craziness. But there are a lot of parallels to eagle. There are. I mean, the headbutt. The headbutt. The wrestling at a young age. Killing men at a young age. Yeah, not knowing his strength, you know, punching the guy out when he's awakening. Well, and these are all stories that would have been told, you know, oral tradition over the fire about the same time. The story of Egel was probably being told as well. Yes. So it's kind of interesting.

Yeah, the parallel. I mean, I think you find that a lot in history where, especially in folklore, where a lot of, they kind of cross over. A lot of similarities in different stories. Yeah. But so now we've had a good look at what Coochie Lane is capable of.

And next time we'll kind of see what what that does translates to yeah to the to the coming army yeah i wonder what the army's reaction to the stories are is you know that's true yeah are they are they getting psyched up for about i mean and i'm sure it could be half and half Well, especially because, you know, this is being told from one little fireside, and then it's probably being spread throughout the army. So who knows what it's being turned into as well. It's already fantastical enough.

Oh, correct. I was just thinking that myself. It's like, okay, so, you know, by the time it gets to the end of the line, who knows what he's doing? Yeah. I mean, this is, it's weird enough. Right. Yeah. He's bloodthirsty enough, man. He is. Yeah. Well, thank you for listening to Medieval Murder. If you have any listener questions, comments, or topic suggestions, please feel free to reach out via our Instagram account at Medieval Murder or via email at info.medievalmurder at gmail.com.

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