Oh, yeah. Wow. Wow. Welcome to the show. Here we are again. Here we are. Hey, guys. How are you? I like how you guys just threw it in neutral real quick. Oh, yeah. It's got real dick cabin real quick. Yeah, we like to, you know. We like to bring them down. We got a highbrow, real highbrow followership. I like it. We're going to talk about, we're going to touch on a few topics today. We're going to talk jacking off for about one hour. And that's it. That's the only topic.
H Foley's going to go over his exercise regimen. Yeah, we're going to talk about exercising. Talk about crockpots. Crock-Pot, yeah, speaking of, I need you to fire that thing up. Do you have? I got the broth in the fridge. I was thinking about your stew all last night. I was like, I wonder if you put it on right now. No, I didn't, because I got to wait for the, yeah. Are you cooking here?
Well, yeah, I'm trying. Are you really? Yeah, last night I had a bowl of meat. Sounds like a homeless guy. I got a bowl of meat. Uh-huh. Bacon and eggs this morning. All right. Some spinach in there. But the bowl of meat's good. What does that mean? I mean, I take a ground beef. Hamburger meat? Yep.
Then sprinkle some cheese on there, put it in a bowl, pour hot sauce on it. Texas chopped cheese. It's so good. That is good. I don't care what anyone says. No, that's great. That's delicious. It's my type of meal. I love the whole thing, the whole pan. i mean you leave some in there for a little and then you go you know what am i who am i kidding i'm gonna finish that pan right now yeah i love the fact that all these fitness guys are now coming around on hamburger meat
Yeah. That's what it's all about. Yeah, fitness guys like me? Yeah. I know. All these guys on the internet, they're like ground beef or grass-fed organic ground beef is great for you. I knew that since the 80s. I've been a big, I've been a big guy. I'm telling everybody. If that's what happens, I would lay off it. Big time.
I really did always wonder why it was so much cheaper than the other meat. I'm like, it's just, you're chewing it up anyway. Why does it matter if it's pre-ground? Yeah, I don't know. I was big on that forever. Yeah, I would get ground meat and be like, dude, nobody knows about this.
Grass-fed, grass-finished, baby. Let's go. Oh, yeah. Grass-fed hamburger helper. Oh, don't get me started. That was my move back in high school. Yeah, me too, bro. Come home from wrestling practice. My mom has a fucking hamburger helper stroganoff sitting on the table. Big glass of milk go to town. Yeah, I was a bagel bite guy. I would microwave like 24 bagel bites. That's the outer rim was just cold. Yeah. And I would eat all of them and I would dip them in SpaghettiOs every day. Whoa.
So I watch Pokemon with my little brother. I used to love SpaghettiOs and a peanut butter and jelly with it. I would dip the peanut butter and jelly in the SpaghettiOs. Yo, that's crazy. Just a couple of days ago. Did you fuck with the meatball SpaghettiOs or how did I did? We fucked with them. Yeah, I liked it. They were pretty big. I didn't roll out of the can. It's very good. When I was a kid, I couldn't do the beefaroni. Something about it creeped me out.
I don't like the thickness of the nudies. The nudies were a little slimy. Yeah, they were too thick. I agree. It was too bucatini for me. I'm an angel hair man. Dude. When that shit hit the, when that angel hair hit the households, in dirtbag households in the 90s, we thought we were fucking from Sicily. Thought we were the Medici or whatever. It's angel hair. What the fuck? Medici family.
I remember getting real mad at my mom. After she busted out the angel hair once, then she'd go to the regular spaghetti. I'd be like, why? Did I do something wrong? Why aren't we getting angel hair? Is angel hair more expensive somehow? It might have been. It was some reason it was fancier. I don't know why much better. So much better crazy.
You get a good bite. Angel hair was kind of sexual. It was. For some reason it was. Well, maybe that's why the parents were. It's for side chicks. True. It's supposed to be at your house. I bet the boys went straight upstairs. Yeah, my mom would get the laundry basket that week and be like, get out. Yeah, that's the angel hair. It was just like dumping rocks out of a dumpster. A little olive oil and garlic.
You don't see it out of restaurants either. It's all bucatini, all this shit. We don't. You know, we're trying to. It's all fettuccine, which you brought it up. That's that side piece shit.
the fettuccine fettuccine alfredo if you're at the dinner with a girl and she orders the blackened chicken pasta she's a whore she's a fucking whore this is based off one experience he's had when he was waiting tables like this dude rolled in was such a whore chicken alfredo and then like that's my what my mom eats and now i can't look at her the same i will say fettuccine alfredo is for sure
What's some other slut slut? I think any kind of like pesto. They fuck with. Really? What's that? No, it's definitely fettuccine. It's fettuccine or no. What's the other one? The cheese filled noodles. Ravi, tortellini. Tortellini. Tortellinis are for, yeah, dumb bitches. Just get the ravioli, you skank. Yeah, I take back, take back pesto. Although, that might be graduated. That might be elevated slug. Elevated slug. Yeah, once you get off. Boss slug. Yeah.
I think filet mignon's kind of got that rap too. With sluts? Yeah, some broad will think she knows what she's doing. She'll get a filet mignon and get it like medium well. What'd you say? I guess I'm a slut. Oh, I'm always taking off radio and flaming. You know, I'm always like guys. You need it. It's good for guys. Yeah, muscles and guys. It's okay. It's for hot dudes only. It's for hot dudes and giant sluts.
Then get that in like a cranberry juice. Be like, you fucking dirty bitch. Ew. What the fuck? Ew. You're on your period eating fettuccine. I'm kidding. Flaming your honey cranberry juice is kind of sick. That also sounds like you're on a date with a 16 year old. Could you get a lid on this, please? It's not even at your table. It's like you nasty little slut over there. Mac and cheese in a Shirley Temple. Hey, you're speaking my language.
Yeah. Although this is up there. This is so much of a dirtbag I am. I've never had the upgraded mac and cheese that touch the shit in the box. Yeah. Ever. Once in Philly, Cotton got a platter delivered. He's got the inside connect. He's got Black Mac. That's Black Mac, dude. Black Mac, forget about it. Yeah, Black Mac's different, dude. I had a first-class education on that shit because we did Cotton's bachelor party, and I went out and bought all this stuff.
We did, like, a little grill barbecue. I must have bought about $400 worth of store-bought potato salad. And it was all his boys from the neighborhood. And nobody touched it. And after, like, an hour, I pulled one of them aside. And I was like, what? How come no? one's eating the fucking potato salad and he's like
Black people don't fuck with store-bought potato salad. Yeah, man. I swear to God, I think they put vibranium in their mac and cheese. Dude, I have to take my wife aside. If we go somewhere, like my parents' house or something, it'll be like...
bleach blonde american cheese on noodles and like i'll have to like take her outside to like all right dude you can like scream out here she gets she gets up she's like what is this and i'm like a bunch of people it's american cheese and milk on your store potato salad being like garlic to vampires to black people next time you go to an unruly neighborhood have some are you velveta or cray growing up.
Velveeta hit us for a minute. Craft was going on, and then I think Velveeta was one of those things that was at my friend's house that I snuck into the shopping cart, and I had some Velveeta, and my mom was like, get this shit the fuck out of here. Because Velveeta had their ass.
was it's not powder it's real some real cheese what kind it was not it was like just a bed just a bag of cheese we were a huge velveta when I was real young it was in a huge block yeah and you could never wrap up the end airtight enough so you had to go through it was like normandy you had to get like the first couple of waves of fucking hard dried cheese to get to the good shit
Oh, I remember my mom and shit was tight. She'd be like, just eat it. We'll be like fucking eating fucking drywall. It was the first time you have Elvita. It is kind of like a revelation. Yeah. What the fuck? Nothing else. My house doing. Not crazy. My stepmom introduced. me to it and it was like I looked at my mom I'm like you gotta pick it the fuck up you are I'm about to move into dad's house for good I will leave you too
Yeah, chips and cheese. Just melting American cheese on chips was big. Then my friend hit me with the Velveeta and I was like, bro. Although I feel like Velveeta was kind of indicative of a problem.
Like usually if there was a Velveeta house, there was like marital strife. Oh, he has a couple of holes in the wall. Yeah, there was a couple of holes in the wall. They were trying to buy back that kid's love. Yeah, for sure. A little Dunkaroo action. There was always that one kid that you were friends with that you knew there was probably. in a house that when they would offer you to eat over, you'd be like, nah, I'm good. I'm going to go home. I will say the single mother household had snacks.
That's where you could find Dunkaroos. Good snack. Fuck yeah. She's treating her little man, right? Yeah. Well, she was subservient to the sun. The sun would be like, no, mom, give me the Dunkaroos. Some random dude leaving with a work truck out front named like Ron or something. I see you guys on your last dog group. Fuck. That was the one.
You know, my cousin snorted pixie sticks in a single bomb basement. Like there was like we're at a friend's house, a single bomb, and he just started just railing lines of pixie sticks. My cousin. He developed a drug problem, I would have to assume.
He dabbled. He bounced hard. He dabbled. He was a dabbling man. He snorting pixie sticks, you know. Something in the air. Something in the air at a single mother house. You go, I got to do something in this basement. No one can stop me here. There's only a woman.
You know, there's no paw. There's no paw to rain down on you. Some house painter every couple of weekends showing up and we're going to say shit. He's all about it. Dude, I've talked about this before, but I'll never forget it. When we were at our friend's house, it was just his mom.
And he had these walkie talkies. And I swear to God, this actually happened. We're like fucking raising. If I go to a certain channel, it picks up my mom's phone conversation. And we picked up a phone conversation of his mom complaining that the guy wouldn't sleep with her. And we were all like.
Oh, just turn it off right away. Oh, shut it off. One dude, we were looking for porn at my buddy's house one time or weed or something. We were looking for something that a 13 year old is looking for. Yeah. and we were going through and we looked at my one but he was looking under the bed dude it pulled out a like a shop like one of those like plastic shopping bags just full of dildos and like whips and chains like dude what is this and there was like five of us
We're like, put that back, put that back. God damn, dude, why do you have us going under your mom's bed? This is crazy. What did you expect us to find? I feel like you had to do that shit in the summer. Whatever house you were at and there was no one home, you tossed the place like you're in. Like you're on a warrant, dude. Look for everything. Yeah, like a no knife. Cutting open pillows. Dude. Dumping out fucking.
coffee and shit fucking stethoscope on the wall going around my my brother claims and i you know i have reason to believe it's true but he said Like his friend had, you know, you'd have like, you would like copy VHS's off of like TV or whatever. He had some sort of blank tape that they had like a movie on and they want to like put it in.
to watch it, and his mom and her new boyfriend had recorded a sex tape. Jesus. And, like, recorded over what had been there, so they watched the first 10 minutes, and then it was just his mom giving up a job. Went from three minutes of coach to fucking anal real quick.
Oh, your mom giving head. Just head, bro. On an old VHS. That's worse than... I know. That's brutal. That's like the worst thing you can see. Mom giving head. That's it. What would you prefer? To see your mom receiving doggy or giving head? I hate to say doggy. They're still up a little for imagination. Obviously, it's POV. He's going dirty cameraman. Yeah, that's a fucking nail. That's a mission though. That's back in the day. That's a heavy ass fucking camera.
He drops it. She's dead. That's like a news camera. Damn. Yeah. I didn't even think about that. That is a big cam. Oh, the biggest. Yeah. If they were doing it back then, they were real freaks. Yeah. You had to set up a tripod and all that kind of stuff. Yeah. It was crazy. Being that freaky back then took a lot of gear. Yeah. Like you couldn't just like have a cell. Now you can just have like a cell phone. Sure.
Maybe be live streaming out to people or whatever, but like, yeah, that sucks. Porn moms, that's going to be a hard wave of kids growing up with OnlyFans moms. I mean, yeah, it's just a ton of them. Yeah, man. Because back then, I used to work at... fucking the i used to work in the photo department at a supermarket
Pretty cool guy. You know what I mean? And that was any time you like a girl would drop off film, you were really hoping there was naked pictures on there. Was there ever? Nope. Not once. Fresh freshman year, I worked at a West Coast video and. If you're not familiar with West Coast video, they had the room in the back with the fucking beads. You paid a couple of visits. What? You worked there. I used to look at the box and jerk off to the memory of the cover. I remember one was called Heinfeld.
It was a Seinfeld spoof. That's nice. Hot. Yeah. Kramer had a hog on him. But this kid worked there and his mom, single mom worked there, too. They both worked there. And you could see what everybody take. Like, you know, you get to take your movies home a week. No lie. This kid's mom rented time for an ass fucking, too. And he was time for an ass fucking for the next four years in high school. That's tough. Hated us.
Damn. Time for ass fucking. This is early 90s. Yeah, that's terrible. She rented it knowing her son worked there. Yeah. Didn't give a shit. I mean, it was time for an ass-fucking. It's time. It's time. You see the big hand and the small ear. It's time to ass-fucking. It's ass-fucking somewhere. My boy's dad owned a...
My boy's dad owned a bunch of independent, not like a chain, not like West Coast. It was just like epic video or whatever. Movies. But then Blockbuster came in and he had to close up.
but he kept all the porn from like five locations and it was all in the basement and for years we had no idea we'd go over there for years i had no idea dude we're down the basement and there's just wall-to-wall boxes my buddy like fall as i got out of a movie like falls into one and it just like out all over these like like that whole box is born he's like
These are all porn. We do. We rob the shit out of them. Yeah. Imagine that you're spending the whole summer jerking off to Southern living and you got the fucking fucking Mecca. Treasure of Sierra Madre downstairs. Gazunga's three.
lust at sea we took what was it gazungas three and the other one was lust at sea and that made lust at sea made the rounds really yeah we had the spanish fly 14 that was the big take damn they got off to 14 that's pretty good It was a spoof on Psycho, and it was called the Butts Motel.
That's pretty good. That's a thinker, though. Yeah, the knife was a dildo in the shower. It was pretty good, yeah. It's crazy they made porn funny back then. I know. And they also spent, I don't know who they had, the writers. And I know it was like my hormones were... pumping, but then the storylines, you'd be like fucking pre-coming when she's talking like, oh, he's not coming back for a while. And the maids go, oh, I got a feeling where this is.
I'm still a bit of a story head. Love it. I need it. I kind of need a little bit. If it's just like smash cut to insertion, I'm like, bro, build me up. Stepdad, stepdaughter have to share a hotel room. Hello, bro. Man. Share bed might be one of my favorites. Share bed is nice. Share bed is. I'll be honest. I was on shared bed very early. Really? Before it was like people were talking about it and I was like, this is wrong. Yeah. It's so normal. Before the stepmom. Okay.
like early on i got i got a shared bed video and i i kept going back to the well on that you thought it was wrong and i was like this is insane this is yeah shared shared steps on stepmom on vacation that was pre-stuck it was pretty suck it was very early dude my buddy stuck came out and everyone's not afraid to admit they're jacking off the incest porn and i was like oh thank god thank god step step
Or they'll claim step, and then in the video, they won't say, I'm your mom, let me jack you off. Yeah, you're like, all right, come on now. False advertisement. Yeah. Yeah. Stuck didn't, I thought Stuck was going to have a moment. I thought that was goofy. And it didn't.
Sam. Couldn't do it. Really? I thought Stuck definitely had it. Stuck didn't get me. I thought it was going to be the next big thing, and I feel like it. I feel like it is. I feel like I've never heard a comedian not talk about Stuck porn.
I think it exists. I think you opened the floodgates. I didn't hear about it until you said it. Well, Matt, don't put this on me. Don't put Stuck and Seth Bourne on me, bro. Freak Zero, Shane Gillis. Everyone knows you love Notre Dame and you love Stuck Bourne. Notre Dame and Stuck Porn. I have a believability issue. I'm going to do a new Under Armour Stuck Porn commercial. In the shared beds, the mom always slept it away. Like she was like, her ass was always fucking. What are you doing? Yeah.
Oh, you're hard. I can help you with that. It's always like, well, just because we need sleep. You know what I mean? It was like, we have to get to bed. So let me do that. I told you we have a big day tomorrow. You know what I mean? So motherly. Yeah, I've been off the porn. I don't want to just shoehorn this into every discussion. I've been off since January. Good for you. Are you thinking clearer?
Yeah, you get harder over less for sure. You get kind of like high school kind of boner type things. Scrolling is a trigger for me because my fucking. My Twitter feed and my search page on Instagram is just bad news. And I'll just, I'll catch something and I'll just be like, all right. And then fucking right to fucking you porn. Yep. The alone Instagram can jar one loose. Yeah. You see, there you go. Especially alone in a hotel. That's.
You know what I have now? You know those things you strap to your head and there's a ball and a string and you punch it? I have one of those and I do that at night. You're super gluing your eyes closed. You know what I'm talking about? Dude, those things are awesome. That's what I did. I'm horny as fuck. I better shadow box in my fucking hotel room. The noise, you can probably hear it.
Sounds like you're jacking off, dude. Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop. Dude, it was effective. It does calm you down, though, because you get the willies. After a show, you're like, I want to do something bad. Of course. Yeah. What do you mean? I want to eat something bad. Drink drugs. Eat something. Yeah, you want to do something fucked up. Yeah. So I just punched the ball.
I just fucking... You're in adrenaline. You want to hurt yourself. Exactly. Yeah. Dude, the older I get, the more I kind of can see. Remember hearing about those guys that have like hookers rub their backs? And that's it. Yeah. Yeah, I've heard of those guys. I can see it now. I'm like, dude, I still like laugh when I was younger. Like, why the fuck would anyone do that now? I'm like, no, I kind of.
Definitely a hug. Right on. Yeah. It's a hug. Yeah, a hug. Some nice words. She's like talking to a lady. Put you to sleep. What are you doing? That'd be nice. Maybe a front behind. With a Chris Hansen. I bring him into my hotel room and I go, what are you doing here? You know I'm only 12, right? You're here to meet a 37-year-old man.
What are you doing? With a ball hanging from his forehead. That's the part I'm leaving out. There's just four like very cheap hookers. I'm standing on this. You're showing them like it's a new toy. standing on their butts like a BOSU ball. Yeah, I mean, dude, I wish women would be cool around hookers, honestly. You know what I mean? Like, why are they so uptight about hookers? Yeah, fucking fucking wives and hookers could be a team. And instead they have to be enemies. I don't know why. I agree.
What's all the fighting about, huh? There's enough of me to go. What a catch you are, huh? Plenty of bagel bites for everybody, girls. Knock this off. They could team up. I got a whole brick of Velveeta. It's like watching a nature documentary when you see one of the wildebeest go down. There's a million wildebeest. It's like, dude, you guys could help, but you're too dumb. To figure this out. These hookers and wives just got together.
will be good. That's what I'm saying. Isn't it weird? Nature documentaries, the way they present it, they can really twist your. view of like say it's a baby wildebeest and it's a lion you're like rooting for the wildebeest to get away yeah but then other times you're rooting for the predator like the way they spin it they spin it like crazy and they set up cameras and then they add noises and They give the animals like...
human like traits or if they talk about like, you know, like I just watched one on polar bears and it was like a mom and to pull two baby polar bears and they really had jacking off him. He says polar bears. The ones are made.
Oh, dude, I forgot. We're staying in Airbnb. He walked down the other day out of his bedroom. He's like, I'm going upstairs for a little bit. Goes up close to the door. Comes down and just immediately starts washing his hands. And I'm like, dude, you couldn't make that any more blatant what you just did.
there. Dude, you couldn't hear him scrolling. He's working on the car. What are you talking about? He came right down. What's up? No shirt on. What's up, guy? Like, you just had sex. I was filling up the rental car with washer fluid. That is the worst. You're like, I think I'm going to take a nap. 10 minutes later you come out you go I couldn't sleep
I got a huge stain right below my stomach. He was giving you college roommate questions. What are you going to do? I'm going to go take a nap. I got a shot. It's 10.30. I'm just dying for a nap. I'm so tired. I don't like down here, too, to get in your business. How do you get on Pornhub down here? What are you guys doing? I get why you get off it now. Yeah, man. You just got to go on the old school ones.
What are you supposed to do? Put your email address in or something like that? Just don't do it. It's like the opposite. Are you nuts? Yeah, don't go on the government. It's devastating. It's like when you're younger and you need to get an older person to buy you alcohol, you've got to ask the kids. You're like, yo, what are you guys all jerking off? Hey Billy, what's your email address?
But no, you just got to remember old porn sites. And that's what you just. X videos is cool. X videos. X videos. Yep. Yeah. It's just Pornhub. Pornhub. You can't go on. I'm a hub man. I just never. Do you guys ever have a password back in the day to like a Pornhub? There was a Brazzers password. That's what it was. It was like 14 sites you could get. Huge, dude. Dax videos, it's weird because down here the porn is... I don't know, now mine's all like Latinos.
I think that's what you're into. Isn't that interesting? That's the LAD algorithm. That's kind of what's in demand right now. I can roll with that. Exactly. Let's go. Those passwords and shit like that. Our dads is who they that who fucked they got fucked up by that. All that kind of stuff in the pop ups. Yeah. My dad literally went through five laptops in like a six month period. I don't know. It's crazy. It's coming up.
My mom's like, what the fuck? Yeah, it sucks. Coming upon like some, if you hit like a desktop and you like see the service, they don't, they didn't know about search history. No. So you can see the search history and be like, God, old man, what are you doing? Searching boobs like a fucking eighth grader. Something about my dad. I was like, dude, I know. you're fucking the nah how are you talking about he's watching back in here it's like dude you watch your porn
Come on, man. My dick's a lot bigger now, though. Really? Really? No, I'm saying you got some ad. You click the ad. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you got dick pills. I've added five to seven inches. I'm about to fucking mature lady in my area. Joke's on you, asshole. I'm about to fuck a bunch of locals. I'll see you together with someone.
Yeah, Whistle, yeah. I want to know if that's ever worked out for anybody. I don't know a single person who's hit, like, the fine horn. Lemare. Does it work, Lemare? Lemare's an internet hound. I always search things out. Does it work? Sometimes. Sometimes what works? Like those, like, find local single girls? You can find girls on Reddit? God damn, man. Yeah, Reddit's like the new Craigslist, kind of.
These kids. The marriage is like 48. These creeps, I meant. I'm sorry. That's cool. You did read it. I had it work out one time. You know the numbers that you call and you can talk to a lady? I was able to convince her. I was like, well, we should meet up. And I ended up meeting up with her. What? Yeah. She didn't look anything like she described. Do you think you looked like what you described? 6'6", Latino dude. She looked like shit. Anyway. I don't know if you can handle this.
She's been sitting in a dark room saying dirty words into a phone for years. Yeah. She's the hottest girl in the world. But where'd you meet? I met at her place. What? This was in... Just hearing you come up the steps. He stopped at a landing. He's just breathing heavy. Oh, no way. What the fuck? Hey, guys.
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Hey, and just like that, guys, don't forget, we also do stand-up comedy, all right? I know you guys love the pod. Don't forget, you can come check us out at a fucking show, dude. By the way, just got my motherfucking haircut just like that. I know you guys are going, God damn, that motherfucker is just motherfucking. I said, shit. Guys.
I'll run down the list. Go to ShaneMGillis.com. I know he's got a couple shows coming up. Manchester, England, man. That's going to be a big one. Go to Manchester. You hear that, you British fucks? You motherfuckers. Guys, go to Manchester and go check out all those shows. I'll also be in the Comedy Castle, Royal Oak, Michigan, and it's in danger of selling out, so I'm not just saying that.
It's true. Funny Bone Omaha. We could use some tickets there. Not going to lie. Laugh Out Loud Comedy Club. San Antonio, Texas. Cobbs Comedy Club. Suck on my motherfucking cob in San Francisco, California. Crest Theater, Sacramento, California. We'll see how that goes. Then the Neptune Theater, Seattle, Washington. And I have a couple other dates coming up, but we'll see. But yeah, go on and get yourself some motherfucking tickets. Pardon the interruption.
Hello everybody, this is Sean Gardini. I just wanted to let you know that I'll be doing stand-up comedy in Las Vegas, Nevada at Wise Guys Comedy Club this Friday, February 28th and Saturday, March 1st. Me and Nate Marshall will be... at Wise Guys Comedy Club in Las Vegas, Nevada. Please come if you can. Tickets are at SeanGardini.com. Please, for the love of God, come if you can. And go see LaMare Lee on the road as well this weekend.
in Cincinnati, Pennsylvania, and a lot of other places. Tickets are available at lamarily.fun. And Optimum Noctis is next week, Tuesday, March 4th at the Creek in the Cave. Please come. SeanGardini.com. SeanGardini.com. SeanGardini.com. Please come. There'll be fun shows. And that's a Gardini guarantee. Thank you. Pardon the interruption. Can you tell the story of going through the yoga ball or the.
exercise ball this is yeah that this one was pretty bad I think about this story constantly but hold this chick she lived in the Thomas Jefferson houses in the Bronx and I went up there And it was it was a bad there was just a dude sleeping on her couch and her kids were there. And we went to the I stayed overnight.
It was bad. There were so many roaches in there, and I had just seen this documentary about roaches crawling in somebody's ear and screaming. What a sweet life you were living at the time. I was so bugged out. And the kids were so sweet. And I remember like we were in there. We hooked up. Jesus Christ. Yeah. I thought for like a week that this was a sign from God that I was supposed to like marry this woman and save her and the kids.
I just never talked to her again. For a couple of days, I really thought I had a sign from God. But I remember... She's like, let's get the kids out of the house or whatever. And they were like, can we go to the store or whatever? I'm like, yeah. I had like, you know, a couple 20s on me. Then the dude on the couch comes in. He's like, oh, can I grab something to just keep him at 20? And then they came back with like Chinese food or something.
All eight is a family. That's awesome. And then watched Kung Fu Hustle and went to sleep. And I slept with toilet paper in my ears because I didn't want the roaches to crawl. Jaboner? Yeah. I'm sorry. What are you talking about? On the Chinese food run? Yeah, on the Chinese food run. I had a similar horrific, horny story. I remember I was at a strip club.
Met a stripper, whole thing, changed numbers. I'm like, yes, I could finally date a stripper. This would be so sick. And I went to her house, and there was just a nine-month-old infant there. And I was like, all right. It was like, I think we might have kissed. Yeah, that's a good kiss, though. You just dip the pacifier and sweet and sour McDonald's sauce and put it in the baby's mouth. And I was like, this is fucking dark. Holy shit. And then there were there were trans prostitutes above.
She was she told me this and they were like making a ruckus up there. It was they were up there banging around. She was like, yeah, dude, like they'll set up shop in the hallway. I'll just hear like dong dong dong against the door and open up. And one of them was getting piped out in the hallway. We get up, get upstairs. You guys are like, shut the fuck up. It was rugged, man. That's when you get a taste and you're like, I'm going to scale it back. Not about that life. Yeah, not at all.
Not at all. The yoga ball story. I was living in a studio apartment in Queens. This is towards the end of my first run in New York before I moved home to Philly and did comedy. I was doing a lot of blow. My brother had like got engaged and moved out of the apartment that we lived and I was by myself and it was bad. So working at this place, I was doing blow and maybe like six months in.
It was like a nice little apartment on the first floor. Just been redone and all stuff in there is making a go of it. I got bed bugs and I had to throw out everything in my apartment, every single thing in my apartment. So I had a blow up mattress that was like my bed, like in the corner. Like I had like a comforter and shit on this thing after I cleaned it all out.
and my i had a yoga ball for my computer where i would sit there do blow jerk off all that kind of stuff you know the norm and i had this hooker over there one night and I was smoking, you know, we're watching porn, obviously, and all that kind of stuff. Obviously, that's what you do when you get a hooker. And I was smoking a cigarette, and I was naked, and I was probably covered in, like, olive oil or Vaseline or something.
Completely naked. You were ready for sex. I had to go in the oven at 350 for an hour. Poke some holes in them and let them sweat, baby. I just put my cigarette down and it popped the fucking yoga And I remember she started laughing at me and she had like a deviated septum. She was like, like, just snorting and laughing at me. And man, I'm sorry about that.
It's the funny, I mean, sitting there bouncing, smoking a cigarette, just oiled up naked. You're as cool as you could be at that moment. You got a fucking hooker. You're all... You're having a blast and then boom on the pin that holds the air and fly out. Or did you blow it out? He claims there's the cigarette. There's obviously it was not the cigarette. There's a weight issue. Yeah. I wasn't this big. This is so recent. This size. Yeah. How big were you? Like you were still maybe maybe 250.
Yeah. All right, that could pop a yoga ball. Kids over 250 ain't doing yoga. You can't bounce up and down on a fucking... Goddamn Chinese made yoga balls. Fucking bullshit. Yeah, I was... No way it was the cigarette. No, I think it went down like in pot because it blew up like from the burn hole. Really? I never thought about it. I believe you. Now I don't believe him at all. I've never thought about it, but he lies about everything. It was for sure. How's it going to land on a...
Maybe it rolled over a safety pin or something like that. Sniper in the next building. Hook him out. It's probably the hooker's fault, honestly. It was definitely the hooker's fault. I had some jacks sprinkled on the floor. That's right. I had a set of spikes. strips in the house. I forgot. That's why your spiked brass knuckles you were playing with at the same time. I was showing him my butterfly knife. Yeah, pretty cool. Did you fall flat on your back? Dude, like that. Yeah, right on my ass.
I remember my coccyx bone was sore for like two weeks after that. It's like a gun went off. It was like four in the morning and I was real paranoid. because I was on the first floor in the lobby and I had two doors like I had two doors that entered my apartment and like I get so cooked up. I'd be like listening to doors to see if anybody was in there. I was sketched out. You want to take the romance out of the room? Fucking pop a yoga ball covered in olive oil.
I'm a freak, man. What are you talking about? You've never been covered in Pam spray before. Yeah. Yeah. Did you ever get a Nuru massage? A what? A Nuru. A new room? When a lady greases herself up and just slides herself across you? No. Have you? There was a porn category that I saw. I know, and it oddly catches my eye, but doesn't fully get there. I've got one in real life, and it was just like an older...
kind of drug-addled lady just laid on me for a while in a motel. I was just sitting in a shitty highway motel being like, okay, I'm good on this now. She came to you? I went there. Was that a motel? It was like a side of the highway outdoor motel. So it wasn't really a spa, per se. They typically do it on like an air mattress. Yeah, this is just the bed. This is ruining a blanket.
I don't like it with fucking old lady oil. Yeah. It just ruined the bed. You're not going to get your deposit back, baby. It was underwhelming. I thought they built it up so much on the video in the movies. And then I was like, it's going to be awesome. It was like a very fucked up lady. I had to run her to Rite Aid afterwards. For what? She had to like go buy supplies. She had to buy like hooker supplies. She's like, can you give me a ride to Rite Aid? And I was like, yeah, fine.
Hop in. Chopped her off. Grab me some Cheez-Its when you're in there, will you? Grab me a Whitman sampler. The Reddit trip after? Yeah. Fuck. I had a weird pride where I like... I really prided myself back then on being able to like really chop it up with prostitutes. I'm like, no, we can like chill and talk. Yeah. Is that a big thing for you? Prostitutes? I took a, yeah, I had a period. I took it, I took it. This is like, I felt really nice to like sit there and just like.
Once all the business was handled, just sit and fucking chat. Yeah. It's got a business. Once we settled our affairs. Our contracts were signed. That's crazy, dude. Like Swiss businessman. Once you get done talking business, you can talk about social stuff. That must be just insane. I'm sure the post's not clarity for most.
guys is like, holy fuck, what am I doing in this motel? No, but when you got a cool one... Matt, your post not's like, you need a ride? When you got a cool one, they were cool. The cool ones were cool as shit.
Yeah, like they got it. Yeah, you could hang out with them and shoot the ship somewhere chill. Yeah, and you just kind of it's really tempting to be like, can I just be like a guy? Should I just like be a security guy for you or something? Because you do want to get into it. You're like, dude, I could just hang out in shitty motels.
What are we going to free base cocaine? I guess I've never done that before. I guess I could do that. Let's see where this goes. Get your supplies. You could be your guy, dude. Even Rite Aid with a fucking thing of tinfoil and baby oil. Big night, huh? Remember when the pharmacies, they started getting the freak aisle?
They didn't have that for a while. Now it's fucking wild. Family planning now. They call it condoms lube. Wild. The condoms, the fucking heat up lube and all that kind of stuff. Me and my wife had a meeting. I'm going to use Astro Glide and fuck her in the butt. It's family planning. That's the family planning aisle. We've had a long talk. Yeah, we've really thought things through and we're ready to try a cock ring. They saw cock rings at fucking CVS. That's crazy.
No way. It's like it's just a lube. It's lube condoms. And then they have the vibrating. Yeah, it's a good vibe. You can't get pregnant unless she comes, you know, right next to the dental floss. True. Dang, I've got to bust one. I've got to bust out of iBrain and Cochrane. I haven't bust one of those out. It's been a while. It's been possibly a decade. You've used one of those? Oh, for sure. Really? I thought we were joking. How'd it go?
It's pretty amazing, honestly. Wait, it's down at the shaft, shaking? It just goes down there and buzzes. It seems like it makes sense, right? Dude, if you want to feel like an all-star, yeah. It's just... Your dick just becomes a fucking... dare I say a little vibrator yeah so it's just like it's just on the bottom every time you get all the way in rather than them being like
They're going, oh, what's that? Instead of them going, that's it, huh? I don't know. I think my dick's too small for that. My balls would be going back and forth like one of those things on a desk. Yeah, you do it there. There is like a if you lose. Yeah, they're definitely not one size fits all.
So, like, if you get, if you lose any hardness, if that thing starts wobbling around, you just got to, like, pinch the fucking, you just got to give it a little twist and be like, yep, we're so good. It's filling this thing the fuck up. That ring's too big for you.
You got to do a dry run by yourself to make sure. You can't just fucking whip that out. You can't break it out and it's too big. You got to go, you know what? Let's not even use this. You got to beat off with it first. You have to just test it out. Sure. You guys did dry runs. Back in the day, you did dry runs with condoms before you started.
Yes. Yeah, that's called a dress rehearsal dresser. So they were fun. Yeah, I enjoyed those. That was great. You get your hand. You get your hands on like a lifestyles or something, man. Got to use it. It's good stuff. No mess either. Yeah, that was. Yeah, that's almost instinctual. If you see economy, you're going to. like the first con we see you use it to beat off kind of yeah at least i did i was just like i did it a good amount more than i probably
I entered an adult phase. I entered like an embarrassing adult phase of that. Don't feel bad for a second, bro. Wait, what? Don't worry about it, Kev. I might get back in the game. I would say, you know, McCuskey was a little freaking. Late late 20s early 30s I remember they were like yeah, I remember there for like just like if there was like a like period thing or like. Sure.
before like there was like pill issues. Like if you're on the pill off, like, well, I have condoms just in case. I remember at one point they were just gone. Like what the fuck? And I was like, I beat off. I genuinely did like, Oh my God, you must be doing.
I was like, no, I've really beat off in the bathroom on a Tuesday afternoon. It just took forever, I remember. My parents found a condom in my bedroom, and it was after I had just all my guy friends sleep over. And they were like, what the fuck? It's all these jock straps. Mom, I was jacking off. I was butt fucking one of my friends. We were having sex. We were jacking off. I was having protected gay sex with one of my buddies.
We were just mutually masturbating. Condom in the room is... That's devastating. Yeah. Although, you know, if it's like young kids, it's like people have... I think I was like a senior in high school. That's borderline. Still, it's like someone had that thing on him. It's not like... I wouldn't jump that my son was fucking a five-man buttfucking fest. That is a big jump, dude. No, but I mean, there was no women.
You are truly kids have them on them. Like we were in high school. I remember you keep like a lifestyles in your wallet. Yeah, sure. It's going to be sick. No, it was it was used. It was. Oh, wait. Yeah, it's not like they found the wrapper. It was a condom. You guys weren't having sex. It was a jizz condom I threw on my bed and then lost it. Wait, so whose was it? It was me. I was jacking off with it. Oh, all right.
I didn't know that. No, they didn't find a condom like my gay son. Use condom after an old dude sleepover. They're like, what the fuck happened? Oh, man. I was like, yeah, my friend Jared used it. Just immediately blamed a friend. That's fucking wildly upsetting. Yeah. I was going to say, I was like, maybe it's kind of sus, but I don't know. No, it's real sus. It's cum. Damn.
You should have completely been like, yeah, Jared did it, and then someone else licked the wrapper. They didn't lick the wrapper. I tried to tell them to stop. They were all just having sex with each other. All my friends had sex. I told them my mom's going to find this and be very mad. piece of gum on the tip of it. Did your mom confront you or your dad? My dad.
Oh, what did he say? He's like, what the hell's going on up there? He's like, I think you left something on the floor in your bedroom. Get up there. And I was like, oh, my God, it's a condo. So what, you put it on, jerked off, and then just slung it to the side in your parents' house? bed time.
I had to get my eight hours. You've got to get up and get rid of the evidence. Of course. Obviously, I'm talking about it now. 20 years later, I'm still thinking about that mistake. What more did you have important that that fell to the third thing on the list? That's the whole beauty. What are your boys in the room? Whacking off with economy. No, no, no.
That was also, that's a CP. That's an early CP. It's a CP. That'll put you right out. That's an early cream pie. You take it all for sure. Coming to a condom is kind of intense as a young man. I remember thinking about it, being like, what's it going to do when it happens? Like, what's it going to do? I was just like, I was baffled by it. it yeah that's pretty cool see a little i remember seeing a little tip and being like
Fill that thing up. No problem. Reservoir tip. I didn't really. When I first saw one, I never thought that's what it was going to look like. I thought it had like straps. I didn't understand what it was. And when I saw it, I was like, man, that's a great design. It's just a thin. If I would have been a research and development on condoms, we'd be. 30 years behind. To be using lambskins. Oh, remember those? Yeah.
Because somebody used to have a good job. It was the Apollo had a good joke about that. A landstip skin condom. Then you'd fuck the girl in the whole room would smell like a gyro. His straps are so fucking... Yeah, that's what I thought. I thought it was like foam and went around, and it couldn't click in my brain that it was supposed to catch the stuff coming out. I thought...
I thought it was like a knee brace like a lineman would wear. I thought it was a Don Joy. It was orthopedic. Yeah, damn. Yeah, I knew we were going to talk about cum and jacking off. I know, I know. Did your parents ever catch you having sex in the house with anybody? No. I got called sucking boobs in like seventh grade. Really?
That's pretty cool, though. That age. My dad walked down in his underwear. He's like, whoa, Jesus Christ. And I just I had like a flyers jacket unzipped and open just going. Dad went, oh, God, and just walked. He just left. Who was this bruiser wearing a fucking fire starter jacket? That's crazy. Did you pick her up outside the spectrum? She was an eighth grader. Not a big deal. Yeah, whatever, man.
Finally, we can brag about it. Yeah, it was an eighth grader's boobs I was sucking on. I hope no one clips this. I like that too. Opened it up. Took a while man watching the movie slowly watching Jurassic Park slowly. It's like Long zipper Zip down it was a full zip down Yeah. Just threw a pullover at me. Crazy. That's a good scenario. Popping a titty out of the top. Sounds nice. Back to a few good men. Someone's done it before. Someone's stuck titties under a starter jacket before. For sure.
Those things, dude, that was like, that made your whole year back then, like what starter jacket you got. I had the Miami Hurricanes. I thought that was like a sick logo. I had a 76ers. Loved it. Yeah. The Orlando Magic for some reason. I had Orlando Magic. Shaq. Shaq was big. Yeah. The Charlotte. If you saw a kid in Philly where it's Charlotte, that kid was a dirtbag. That was a broken home for sure.
We got that at Foreman Mills or something. Now you feel the obligation. You got to stick to your teams. But for a while, it was like very fashionable to have like you could have like an Atlanta Hawks hat or we were basically black people at that point. Yeah. I saw a dude wearing the NBA jeans the other day. NBA jeans. I was like, dude, remember them? They had all the patches. It was like Lloyd Banks used to wear them. For sure. Yeah, I was like, God damn, dude. He busted them back out.
i don't maybe still wearing them loves the league true yeah just loves maybe no particular team just crazy sports the team yeah i learned i was on kill tony like a couple months ago and i i saw there there was a black gentleman performing and his jeans were like almost all torn, like all holes. And that was, that was kind of like the latest iteration I'd seen. I was a big, I was a big Jersey and matching fitted kid. Man.
Very heavily influenced by G-Unit. Yeah, G-Unit got me too. How could you not? That was like, he came in like a fucking tornado. I know. I never got one of his G-Unit wife beaters. Those things are wild. Fuck, those things are so wild. I couldn't wear a basketball jersey.
No matter, even as in shape as I ever was, I could not wear a fucking... i just looked bad in them i look like i work for the joker like it was just like i like proper henchmen it was just not a good look yeah and i used to dudes that could pull those off it was great you gotta wear them at the beach that's that's what yeah that's a pro fat guy move yeah you're like i'm
I don't have a shirt on. I just really like the team. I made a promise to myself a long time ago. As fat as I was as I was a kid, I'm not going to be the kid wearing the t-shirt or whatever in the pool. So I would take the shit off before we got to the pool and be like, this is it. This is me. Let's roll.
Now it's like everyone wears shirts now. Everyone wears the SPF shirts. It's crazy. Yeah, it's pretty nuts. Yeah. Those aren't nice. They are kind of fucking nice, dude. I enjoy wearing those. Yeah, I had one in the pool. A con man was hitting me with those. He was wearing them first when we were at the beach.
and I was like, you look like a dumbass. They bought me one and I was like, these are fucking sick. You don't put sunscreen on at all? All you gotta do is just hit your nose. Yeah, all the kids have one. I tried my shirt once in a pool. And then you don't think you get out a regular t-shirt. I'm like, oh, the sun. You lie. You're like, the sun. It was navy blue, too. So it's not even like... He's in there in a button-down.
And I got out, and then it's like, then your shirt's wet. I didn't have an extra shirt. So I'm just like, then you have to either take it off out of the pool, which is worse than in the pool, or just hang out in a wet t-shirt. You're just like, brutal.
Yeah, the shirt in the pool is crazy, man. Especially just being wet, like you were saying, after you're done, you're just so uncomfortable. It's uncomfortable to swim in. That's what I'm saying. It might spread out a little while you're swimming, look like an octopus. That's ass going to get dunked. the fat kid wearing the shirt that's easy pickings you're going under such a brutal look I had the thought process too of like no one will know
Yeah. No one's going to believe that it's fat. It is because I burn easily. Even the adults are like, look at that fat kid. I know. Somebody dunk him. I was a real fat kid growing up. My dad was a fat kid too. So he just looked at me and he's like, knock it all. He was so devastated that I was also a fat kid. I learned it from you. Getting called out by your parents are fucking late night snacking.
Yeah. My mom still does that. She'll be in bed at like 8.30, and if we stay at the house, I'm down there fucking rummaging through. What are you doing down there? You're rummaging. I'm going to get grizzly bear food in the trash cans. I'm going to put the food in a bear bag.
Hanging outside from a tree. He's out there. Yeah, my mom would just tell me, she's like, you got fat. She'll just look at me and be like, you put on a lot of weight. You look kind of fat. They're vicious with that shit. Just. Dozen mince words. Yeah, you're getting a little hefty there.
I get to, you look good. And I'm like, I'm about to die. Like I'll come off the road for like two weeks. My head's like this big. She's like, you look good. Meanwhile, like I had to go to the hospital recently because my insides hurt. It was all clear. It came back clear. It said it was probably a muscle. I rolled with it. For sure thought I was dying. Happens. Trying to turn it all around, though.
This 2025 is the year everyone turns around. Possibly 2026. But definitely. Maybe 28. 28 is going to be a golden year. 28 I know is going to be good. We're going to slide into probably a golden age. Like as a country in 2028, probably. Nah, fuck that. I'm going the other way. You think it's going to be doomed? Yeah. Really? I'm riding it out. He was worried about the asteroid this morning.
I'm praying for it. He's like, is this thing going to fucking hit us or not? What are you doing in your room, man? This is brutal conversation at fucking 9 a.m. I'm praying for it. As long as we've got to wait until 2032. Until this thing to hit us. It's 2032? That's what they said, yeah.
Are we going to use all of our missiles to blow it up? Can't deflect it. It's past the point of deflection, they said. So I don't know what they're going to do. They're just going to ride it out wherever it hits. Deal with it. Wait, why can't they blow it up into a bunch of pieces? Armageddon, this thing. That's what I'm saying. If we shemmy on the horn.
I read something that it's too far past where we'd be able to hit it or something like that. I also have no idea. I'm getting this from Instagram. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. What the fuck? Yeah, I feel like, I mean, if it's still in outer space, can't we just send nukes into outer space? I don't think that shit, I think that don't work. That thing's cooking. That's like 28,000 miles a second. We'll bounce right off of it.
Especially if it's like iron or something like that. Oh, yeah. Fuck. Just heats it up and it hits us harder. Yeah. Makes it angry. Just pisses it off. Now you're all in big trouble. Gets bigger. I wonder who it's going to hit. Because it's going to all depend on the way the earth's turning. Yeah. How big is this? How big are we talking about? If it even hits us. Yeah. That ain't gonna hit us. They're just doing the asteroid fear cycle. Yeah.
So they get me with the plane cycle, dude. We're in bad shape right now. God damn it. All of a sudden. That's a flight that any of us could have been on Minneapolis to Toronto. Yeah. I know. Everybody lived, though, so I don't know if the pilot's a hero or a fucking dumbass. Everybody walked away. It was like the miracle in the Hudson on the ground. He just flipped it over. Yeah. It reminds me of Kings of Tupelo. When he's like, they call me a retard and a dumbass.
How the fuck did it flip? He was just going a little too fast. You are a retard and a dumb ass. I don't know if he overshot the runway, but it looks like he hits the right. engine immediately catches on fire. So he like bounced and then it just flipped over. But as it flipped over, those wings came right off. Yeah. So and it was on fire, but everybody inside was cool. They got out. Everybody got out.
Yeah, but I always take my seatbelt off early and I think about that all the time before we land before landing. I do it every now and again. Yeah, I'll be like the second we touch the ground, I snap that thing off. Yeah, I'll take it off. I'll just if they don't remind me to put it back on, I'll just. My dream is to surf the flight, to stand in the aisle and surf a landing. That'd be nice. That would be decent.
but if you're the seatbelt if you're not wearing it you'd be the one death you know embarrassing that's what i'm saying if it flips over i'm like i thought about that i'm like dude this flipped i would fall that'd be a hard fall to the ceiling yeah i would be done I'd probably take out the lady next to me. And in front and behind. Sure.
All of the 88 passengers, 87 unscathed, one guy fucking dead. Here's the thing, though. One guy trying to be cool. One guy, dumbass, said he was going to surf the landing and fucking exploded. Now they all just jump the other way. But if you flip, then they're all.
on the ceiling in their seatbelts. And then you got to do that thing upside down. Yeah, I'm surprised nobody fucking got wrecked. That would be so far in my gut that I wouldn't be able to get it out. I would definitely have shit in my pants, too. Oh, yeah.
That would suck. I saw one guy, though. There's footage of people getting out, and a guy grabs a lady's butt on the way. I saw that. What? I think he has to get them up. I know, but. But he grabs her. Yeah, on the way out. He's like, here you go. Get out of there. He gets her on the turn. Yeah. So it's not even like.
The push, it's like he's guiding, he guides her in, and then he fucking... Hoink? Yeah. He gives her a little hoink. A little bowling action? I'm pretty sure that guy was not straight, though. We've crunched those numbers. Male flight attendant. Asian male flight attendant for being precise. Yeah, for being precise. A little male cheer. He probably hasn't done his male cheerleading in a while. We've crunched those numbers. It's been like four months where...
Every week, every couple of weeks, it's something. I know if you if you go globally, I mean, South Korea, they had like Asia. Asia is going nuts. Asia has been going nuts. Nuts. Yeah, those airlines. Crazy. I'm never going over there. That video. You see the video of the one last year, the guy he's filming himself, the one that went into the gorge. Fuck. Pretty quick. Yeah. Is it just Korean airlines that like all Asian airlines have been acting up?
I think they typically act up over there. It's a funny way to call it. They're acting up as they plummet to the ground. You boys acting up out there? Really playing a fool over there. Wouldn't you think they'd have that shit kind of all locked, though? Dude, you would think South Korea, everything's probably fucking tight, meticulous. I'm saying, I mean, fucking I think it might be an operator issue. Therein lies the problem.
It's bad. Something Wong. Oh man, we were just talking about that. The funniest thing to ever happen in the world. So fucked up. Something Wong. What was the third one? Something Wong. too low and i was like bing bow ow or like it was like something about the crash like the noise or something i wonder who did that we were talking this morning it was probably like an intern or something like that that snuck that in there that's so i mean that guy should have got a writing job somewhere yeah
Didn't the one just straight up disappear one time, too? Yeah, it was disappeared. We too low. Holy fuck. Bang ding out. That's so fucked up. Is anyone ever... Is the Malaysian airline, everyone thinks they went in the ocean. What if they went into outer space? Whoa, that fucking... That's crazy. You're on to something. Have them stop the asteroid. Maybe that's what they're doing. Maybe we're going to find out in 2032. Malaysian Airlines. You're on a vacation. That's where they pull you. Fuck.
What, the outer space? Yeah, I'd be furious. I only got six pairs of underwear with me. I'd be furious. How do you bring enough NXIVM? I'm going to have wicked heartburn up there. He's brutal to travel with. Constantly needs to do laundry and shit. Fucking Ozepic burp on a plane. Oh, fuck. I think about that a lot.
I thought the toilet was broken because we got all the guys like, it's not really flushing right. And we were in the front row. So I'm like, God damn, it fucking smells like shit. I'm like, I'm like, this is the whole flight. I'm going to fucking airlines.
Dude, then we get down here. We're out front of the mothership. This is like last year. We're out front of the mothership. We see people like, yo, are you garbage? So we're like talking to them. Smells like sewage out there. I just think that's 6th Street. You know what I mean? And it's just like a fucking three weeks after mothership open, we're sitting at the bar having a beer before our spots. And I'm like,
The plumbing in this place, too? What the fuck? The three places I had been with him in a row. I'm like, the sewage, goddamn. And he goes, you smell that? I go, how the fuck can't you? He's like, that's me. And I was like... Ha ha ha! And then he's like, do you think the van smelled that? I was like, for sure. The only good thing is no one would ever think that's human. So like no one's ever going to go. That's Foley. They're like.
There's a sort of like shit when we were talking to those guys. That's external influence. That's the real thing that was empty burps. Yeah, it's so bad. Yeah, because some people, they don't get the side effects that bad. We're talking to Mike Eaton hosted.
uh the other night and he was he was saying that uh was that the kid getting him he's got a guy can we head host the show at the pop-up show at the creek was doing street fucking ozempic he gets it from like a guy oh but he said he doesn't have problems with it i know people that
did our problems with it. I had it so bad where like shit would just it just stops your stomach. Yeah. So my shit would just sit in there and fester like the Sarlacc pit just fucking bubbling up. And dude, the burps were so fucking bad. And we were worse than the farts, which is crazy. Well, I had a real bad. Me and my wife flew to Greece and we came back and I got jammed up at customs and it was like an hour and a half line. And it was like every 30 seconds. I was like.
try to do the fat girl blow out the side I would hear I started to hear the people behind me go what the fuck so I started every time I would do it I'd go What the hell? What the fuck? You guys, that's crazy. Someone got some bad meat in their bag or something?
It sucked. Oh, my God. The only one that ever smelled it was Ari. He was the only one brave enough. I was like, you're the only one I can answer this to. Do you want to smell one? He's like, yeah, go ahead. You don't want any more of it. You don't want the smoke. It's like rotten eggs, dude. You're a dragon. You're a dragon. A proper dragon. Dragon's breath. Yeah, go ahead. Yeah, it sucks.
And you were in line for, what was that? You were at customs. It was like an hour. I would have fucking killed myself if somebody was burping shit. Customs line is maybe my least favorite place. When he landed JFK, just fucking Afghanistan Airlines just got off next to you. It's coming off worse than I want it to. But you know what I mean. You should have listed like in fucking Norway. And also. Icelandaires. Australia's. Those motherfuckers too. Those cocksuckers. I do get mad when the.
the international lines moving faster than the American line. Yeah. What are we doing here? I pay my taxes type shit. Really? Yeah. It gets you in the fucking gut. But we are only moving in small increments, so I couldn't even like do it. You know, bad. Had to keep that up for an hour and a half. Sipping a ginger ale, praying it would go away. Get some carbonation in there. Get those burps really going. Get that real ginger in there just floating around.
That was like when you were off. You were coming off of two weeks in fucking Greece. So you were eating like a fucking mania. It's a Mediterranean diet. When he would stay on top of it, it was... a little better but when like on the road it was just we'd be in a minivan and you're like dude we got to pull over
It smells like one of those old cars that smells like sulfur. You know what I mean? The farts are even worse. What? You wouldn't know what it was. A burp. It was crazy. And they were like long and hot. It's like a gas leak. He shit his pants on the tour bus. That happens. Oh, Zempic, it slows up your whole digestive system. So like everything just moves so slow. Yeah. And how much could you eat on that? Did it slow you down big time? Me? Yeah. I would press through it.
I probably should have stayed on the Japanese, say you eat till you're 80 percent full. Yeah. If I was maybe doing that, I would have been all right. But I would I would push through it because at the time. His Japanese neighbor says it. Not all of the Japanese. It's called something in Japan. The Japanese neighbor. The Japanese neighbor.
It wouldn't it wouldn't hit until later. So I wouldn't realize how full I was to like a couple of minutes after I ate. Yeah, I'm going to be bad. And it would just sit there. You can feel it in your stomach. Just like having a crock pot down there. Just slow cooking. Set it and forget it. Bad news is coming.
My girl fucking hated it. Imagine having to sleep with that, dude. That's crazy. I had to get real defensive and bat out of my CPOP. What do you want me to do? This is my weight loss journey. Went up to a machine keeping you alive fighting with a mask taking it off That's the funniest shit ever. Did you burp into the machine at all? Dude, that would wake me up in the middle of the night and be like, what the fuck? Fucking hot boxing himself. Be like punching out of an F-16, just like, ah!
Under the covers must have been nuts. Under the covers must have been crazy. Craft of flavor. Just seven passengers of a cruise die. I remember one night she got up in the middle of the night and was like, I woke up and she was standing at the end of the bed. What are you? you doing i'm getting healthy i'm doing this for you oh i really wish i could have been a part of one of these burps i know i don't
But it smelled like it smelled like I think about the burbs and go to a medicine ball every all the time. I think about this every day. I'd be so mad if I was on the plane. Because sometimes when... The noise of the plane and the air moving around, you can get away with murder up there. You really can't. You really can't. You let one, you build it up. You got your own fan for sure. You can fucking hit the aisle. You can hit the aisle. Directional, yeah. That giveaway is when you're.
You're moving the fan around. But yeah, you do that one little test to see if it smells and if it's all right. Plus, you got the seat, all that stuff. You know, could be a man. Sometimes you're just like, fuck. Yeah. Wives, I will say my wife punishes me when I fart on a plane. She goes, was that you? And if I had fart, I'll laugh. I can't not laugh hysterically. If I did fart and someone smells it, so I'll be like, dude, shut the fuck up.
Yeah, it's like you're blowing up my spot. Why would you do this? I feel like it doesn't get that far, though. It doesn't, but when you see it hit someone, it's the point. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You see, like, a guy reading the paper, like... Folds a Chris Wall Street journal down? Yeah, it is. Me and Butterly were on a plane once and a little boy in front of us, anytime either of us farted, he would turn around and go. He would hit him. You'd see his face in the gap at the season.
He thought it was like the funniest thing in the world. It was Oh You see his face. I would have been me if I was a guy if somebody was behind me fighting like that I would have been delighted. That was a real one. Oh, fuck. And he would, like, say it to his parents. He'd be like, I think they farted again. They'd be like, shh, stop. That was so funny. Oh, fucking bastard. That was so funny.
Yeah. Goddamn, dude. Hot dig. Yeah, that's a fucking good podcast. Yeah. Thanks for having us. That was fucking hilarious, dude. You guys are the best. We love you, boys. You guys fucking rule. We love you. Oh, yeah. You guys, you don't have anything to promote, right? Yeah. Yeah. Route 66 Route 66 special wasn't on our YouTube page. So we did. Oh, yeah. We did this whole big tour from Chicago to L.A.
Or any of the burps and farts featured in this. Yes. We have him shitting his pants on like five different cameras. I had Ozempic problems. Ozempic problems the whole time. But we filmed all the shows. We filmed everything on the bus and all that stuff. And we put it all together.
directed it and fucking shot it and edited the whole thing. And we think it came out great. We think it's something different, something fun. So we're excited. When's it coming out? Route 66 comes out February 25th. Oh, fuck yeah. Fuck yeah, man. Where's it coming out? YouTube channel. On YouTube. Hell yes. Nice. So whenever this comes out, it could be there. It'll be coming out very soon. Nice. We're excited. It's going to be awesome. Thank you. Very good. Check it out.