¶ Marriage Expectations and Realities
here's a question for you is marriage overrated ?
why aren't people getting married anymore ? A new pew research poll found that two and five young adults think marriage is an outdated tradition . Marriage rates are at their lowest right now . Is marriage really even worth it ? More than half of marriages end in divorce .
If you get married , you have to be stuck with this person for the rest of your life , right ? That's why you get married . So that's why it's declining . Why would you get married if you don't , if you want to have just one partner ?
when you can have multiple Marriage is stupid . Welcome to the Married AF Podcast , the self-proclaimed greatest marriage and relationship podcast in the world . My name is Matthew Powers . Alongside my amazing , beautiful , stunning , unbelievable wife , monica , we are your hosts for the show . Baby , how you doing .
I'm questioning that intro .
What's wrong with my intro ?
I added a lot of words .
Listen if you think that intro is something .
I don't want to hear it . Tell me .
Y'all listen to the next episode , no . Tell me behind closed doors and you will see said intro oh my goodness , I've got something prepared for you .
If it's what I think it is .
I think it's probably exactly what you think it is , and oh boy , oh boy , it's going to be a good one .
How you doing baby we are no longer doing this podcast okay , I won't do that whatsoever .
So sorry everybody , you're not gonna be able to get the intro that I thought I was gonna be able to give . But boy , oh boy was it gonna be .
It's gonna be a good one , I guess we're gonna have to do another one to see if you actually do it I'm not gonna do it .
You just told me this thing's over if you do this .
I've been telling you this thing's over for three years now .
I know and look at where we are . Here we are Our nice little recording spot set up . All we got to do is press play and go . And how nice is that .
You got to flip on the switch to the light .
Oh , just boom , boom , boom done . We're ready to go . But thank you everyone for joining us today . The quick idea is for today .
What .
I don't know . Words are hard today . Unrealistic expectations are murdering relationships and marriages .
Unrealistic expectations .
Are killing them . So we're going to talk about that today , we're going to break that down and hopefully we can break free for some of these unrealistic expectations that are absolutely killing marriages , families , relationships , people , because it's out there and it's a real , real problem . But before we do , thank you everybody who's listening , who's watching .
If you haven't subscribed to YouTube yet , I don't know what your freaking problem is and why you're not .
Do it , just do it .
I mean , why would you want to miss out on ?
this goodness . Are people actually on that thing ?
Like 5,000 people have subscribed to that . I mean , that's where you're going to see my amazing wife get up and yank a eyebrow hair out of my eye what ? Or where eyebrow hair out of my eye , or where she's going to yank something out of my nose or get up in my face about you have food in your teeth and scratch food out of my .
It's only on the YouTube where you're going to actually find that stuff , so make sure you subscribe there , watch there . Thank you for all of those who do , who are listening , who are downloading , share it with somebody , share it with your spouse , friends , whoever you think can benefit .
We would greatly appreciate it because it's been quite a ride and God is doing some stuff with it .
How do you have that kind of footage ?
It happened in the very last episode . You got up out of your chair and you came over here and went boom like , spread my eyebrow apart and was like what is that Yank ? And just pulled that sucker right on out of there .
Wait , that was during the podcast .
During the podcast , it was like five , ten minutes into the show .
I thought you edited things like that .
No , because that's the funny stuff that we got to keep in there .
I don't ever watch back . I don't listen Once you hit end on the thing that records this . I have no idea what you put .
Are you like one of those actors who's like I lived the movie . I'm not going to watch my work . Are you thinking I live this sucker ? I'm not about to watch this whatsoever .
No .
Okay .
I was super excited about Jumanji because I knew what was supposed to happen to me . And it didn't happen to me because it got cut and I was so mad .
I was furious about that .
I say three extra weeks hey , listen , you never know anybody that's watching this , if you've got the video , the cgi of what happened , the alternate ending , obviously , of all of juergen's people this is jumanji to the next level yeah yes , it's amazing I'm dying to see it it would be great .
That's you . If you know , and maybe if you've got the footage somehow , please get it to us , Because it was worth everything that was explained .
I was only supposed to be there three days , but somehow I got moved up to .
Like a month there .
Yeah .
Conveniently . We're like right when we moved into this house Like oh sorry , I know not everything's unpacked or we still got to move stuff , but I got a dip for four weeks to go film this movie .
Hey , I told you I was not moving into the new house until it was painted .
You're right , and we closed . And the moment we closed it was being taped and prepared and painted all the entire next day and moved in while you were off . You know , gallivanting with movie stars that's just how it goes , I guess . But needless to say , we're still here . We survived that . I was in full support , by the way .
Yes , I know I was the one who said , yeah , you absolutely need to stay and do this , because what an opportunity is . And then it got cut . Heck is that all about . So that's the fun stuff you get right here that you just don't know . So if you've got that , please send it to us . But again , thank you .
Thank you , thank you .
For everyone who is watching , who is listening . We appreciate it . Also , we want to thank our friends at kingdomandwillcom . This shirt , it's amazing . It's awesome , it's super soft , it's stretchy for the guys who like to hide the belly a little bit but want to show off their arms just a hair . Hey , this is the place for you . They have great apparel .
They are a faith-based company . Go to kingdomandwillcom and a promo code MARRIEDAF for 15% off , not just your first order , but every single order 15% off kingdomandwillcom with the promo code MARRIEDAF . So relationship expectations . Let me ask you this Ask me . Now I know you forced me to marry you . You held me against my will and forced me to marry you ?
Yes , I did .
It was the greatest force of anything that ever happened . But when we got married and I think most people would relate to this what were the expectations ? When we got married ? What did you think ? What were the expectations ?
I think you're asking the wrong person that question .
Why is that ?
Because I knew when I was 15 , I was going to marry you .
Well , you're right Now . We went through some areas where you weren't sure I was like this is the man I'm going to marry .
I know , Can't we just get married right as soon as I graduate high school ?
Yeah , that didn't happen no .
And then it was my turn . I got to get a college education .
And I was like I'm ready to get married . And you're like , no , no , no , no , you , as you like to do , you didn't actually force me , I know , but you like to joke about that , but coming into a marriage , I mean we were , we were young , uh , we were dirt poor , we were broke , did what ?
Did you have any expectations at all , or was it just because for me it was ?
This is the person that I want to do every bit of my life with and even though it was hard and it was difficult at first because we had nothing , if I'm going to going to have nothing and go through the hard and the difficult , this is the only person I want to do that with .
Yes , that was my
¶ Modern Expectations of Marriage
only expectation . All I think of is this song , one way or another .
That makes me think of Coyote Ugly .
Or that , but I also think of Guardians of the Galaxy at Epcot .
Oh , yes , the ride , but the music makes it .
It makes me think of you first , like saying those things yeah , I don't know that I had any expectations , I just know I already knew I was going to marry you .
I didn't want anything else . No , and I feel the same way . Think you know we've been married 16 years now . Um , and the the breaking through of social media and how everything is just in your face and all videos and content and information is literally at your fingertips all the time , and people spend so much time looking through everything .
I believe it's set these like really high , unreal expectations , because for us , it was just hey , we are deeply in love . I know I want to spend my life with this person . I know , whatever I go through , whatever we succeed or don't succeed , this is the person I'm going to do that with .
However , now people are entering into a marriage with the idea of how it is supposed to look Like .
Listen , we're going to get married and we may be young and I'm always going to look like this and he is always going to look like this , and we're going to be put together and everything we do is going to be picture perfect and we're going to have this big , beautiful , gorgeous house and I'm going to drive nice cars and I'm going to have all of the clothes
and we're going to do the events and our kids are going to look amazing and just be these perfect little angels who are going to be athletes and gymnasts and they play sports and they do acting and they can sing , and we're going to be involved in all this , we're going to go on the vacations , we're going to have all these expectations that are not real at
all . And I think when people get married they're in that honeymoon phase . They see that to begin with , and then things don't necessarily happen that way and then they slowly go down a path of resentment and even some hate towards their spouse , because this is how I thought it was supposed to be .
It's always sunshine and rainbows , we're always going to be happy , and that's the cultural , societal kind of pressure that it puts on especially younger people who are getting married having that and it's impossible to be met .
So you're saying the American dream , or what was the American dream , is not something that's achievable , because that seems like the whole thing like when we were younger , the American dream was get married , have kids , the big house , the white picket fence and everything is amazing . You have this a great job , your kids are great , they're amazing .
And then they go off to college and then they get married and have kids of their own and they move out of your house and you have perfect Christmases all decorated , and then you retire and you just have everything you've ever wanted .
See , I think that's in a sense that I think what was the American dream is very much achievable . I think this new idea of the American dream , or the cultural dream of it's that , but it's like times 100 .
Give me an example .
All right , like it's not just I'm going to grow up , I'm going to get a college education , I'm going to get married to the love of my life . We're going to have a house , white picket , fence , good jobs , good kids , grow up , retire and live happily ever after . I think that's still attainable . I very much think that's attainable .
What is not attainable is well , I'm going to grow up and at 25 , we're going to be married and we're going to live in a two and a half million dollar home . That's 10,000 square feet .
I'm going to drive a Land Rover and he's going to drive an Audi and I'm going to be in fantastic shape and I'm not going to have to work because he's going to have this job at 26 years old . That makes $2 million a year . And we're going to go on vacations and we're going to go to the Maldives and we're going to travel to Fiji .
We're going to have a private jet and we're going to have the greatest clothes . I'm going to live this lifestyle of luxury and everything that I do , and then we're going to have kids , but we'll have a nanny , so we can still . That is the current American dream , because that's what you see out there . That isn't always attainable .
Now there are a few people who will somehow make that happen , but for the normal everyday person that is not attainable . I think growing up , getting married , having a house , having kids , having a vacation a year , getting the kids through college , working hard , retiring , surviving . That is totally attainable .
However , I do believe there can be more joy found in that than all of the other stuff that we elevate so highly .
Yeah , I feel everyone has a different type of rich . Yeah , our type of rich is not having all the things .
No .
We want to go places , do things that we would never be able to do on a daily basis .
I think our biggest thing is we'd want to be able to have experiences .
Experiences have memories with our children and they want to do those things with us and they can look back years later . Hey , do you remember when we went to this ? That was so much fun .
And that's that's always the best part . We mentioned it before , but you know , cash , our son he's 12 , does this the most . Every day . He's going through the phone looking at memories .
Yes .
And we suck at taking pictures and creating those memories . We always want to try and do better and at times we do , but most of the time we don't , because we do just live in the moment . But if we do just take a picture or two and it sparks that memory , then we can go through and we'll talk about it as a family .
Hey , you remember when this happened , or remember that , or remember that ? And it creates an hour long conversation about these things that happened and it's just that . That's our rich . Yeah , I mean , I will take that over the multimillion dollar home any day of the week .
Absolutely .
It's way way more important to me than that .
You can't keep up a million dollar home . There's things that you have to take care of as a homeowner the heat and air , and what happens if the plumbing messes up . And that's just something that you can't afford .
It's basic rules of homeownership , yeah , but the thought is never there of that . And what's happened is we have these expectations that that is just the norm and it's perfect all the time . There's also this unrealized or unrealistic expectation of you know , hey , when we do get , we're so in love , my partner is never going to be make me upset or angry .
That we're always going to agree on everything , that it's always going to be happiness , that they will always make me happy and when we get married we're perfect and my spouse will never , ever change whatsoever and they will always be perfect .
And love is always going to feel like butterflies in my stomach and you know kind of that nervous energy that you have when you first start to fall in love with someone and that you'll agree on everything and none . That's not realistic .
It's not realistic , not all for me now I still get that same feeling when I see you oh , I totally do too .
I mean , when I think about you , I see you , I still get that feeling I get giddy totally but especially when I get home .
I've been at school for 12 hours and I talk to you all the way home and I'm saying , okay , hey , I'm in the garage , I'll see you in a second , okay , I love you . Bye and Bye . And I get out of the car , you open up the door at the top of the stairs and I'm at the bottom and you flip on the light and I'm home .
And that is totally there for both of us . Yeah , but my idea of love isn't always that . My idea of love is sitting on the couch watching something together . My idea of love is hey , I need to run to the store , you want to come with me , just to spend time with each other . My idea of love is just being able to hey , I've had a rough day .
Let me spew all that out on you and take it . That is . That is so much more important than just . You know , I love the butterflies and I get them when I look at you and I want to think at you .
But even the , the deeper it goes and the depth of it , of what love truly is , is so much better than just the butterfly feeling that you're getting well like this morning .
I haven't had a day to sleep in since June .
This is true .
And I'm a sleep in , sleep in kind of person .
And I mean here we are on the verge of October , so it's been months since you've slept in , slept in . You're a night owl . You are late to bed , late to rise . See , I'm more of an early to bed , early to rise person , but yeah , you slept in so you knew I was sleeping in .
I told you I am sleeping in . Oh , last night , when I'm going to bed .
No alarms , alarm dead , kill all the alarms .
Better not happen do not wake me up oh , totally well , at three o'clock , our daughter has a bad dream and she comes to get me . She freaked me out did she I knew I was awake , but I did not .
Well , I didn't have my glasses on so I couldn't see , and it was really dark just this blob , she usually she usually leaves the door open behind her and she didn't . So the room was pitch black and I hear her and I'm reaching out because I won I can't see without my glasses on period . And I hear her but there's nobody there .
I'm like just get in the bed .
And boy did she ? Because it was head butts , elbows , feet . For you , for me all the rest of the night .
She hugged my arm for a long time .
Poor little girl .
She had a bad dream , but I had no idea you got out of bed . No , I had no idea you got out of bed .
No .
I had no idea . She got out of bed and you said she slept till when .
She slept till about 10 o'clock , 10 o'clock this morning .
I said I had no idea . She got out of bed . No , so that kind
¶ [Ad] The Brief
of tells you where you were at 10 am this morning . Yeah , but you rolled in at 1230 . Baby , I figured it's time to wake you up , fine , I ?
did .
I'm only here for a few more minutes , though , and you snuggled with me , but then , while I'm laying there , you have told me Well , I was kind of hungry . I was like wow , it's lunch , I want pizza .
I didn't tell you you . Just you were like the first words out of your mouth were order me a pizza . I was like , oh well , I got a chicken burrito for you about two and a half hours ago . But hey , if you want a pizza , you know what , I'll order you a pizza . And that's exactly what I did .
I ordered you a pizza . I you know
¶ (Cont.) Modern Expectations of Marriage
what . I'll order you a pizza and that's exactly what I did . I ordered you a pizza . I've already gone to Chick-fil-a . I've got you a breakfast burrito and a large diet coke . Yes , he goes , but you want pizza . I'm getting you pizza now . I've gone to the grocery store . I've done this . I've done that . All the clothes have been washed and put away .
Said jack gum , okay . So for me , acts of service is my love language . So knowing that is all done and I can wake up , and I did not have to tell you that , that is how you tell me you love me .
Yes , that is definitely one of the ways that does it for you .
That gives me butterflies , that makes my heart palpitate , all the things I don't have to get up and do anymore .
And I think that is a key , with the expectations and to be able to have that feeling of love .
I think that that is a key , with the expectations and to be able to have that feeling of love , did you ?
have to do that ? No , absolutely not , totally not . I could have easily just sat down , lounged around , done nothing , watched football and all that and I mean I had football and game day and all that on . I was watching it . I was , you know , it was on in the background .
But the first thing I did , I woke up , I grabbed my Bible , did my Bible study and everything this morning , watched some of that prepared stuff for this and I was like , all right , I'm going to get kind of hungry , I'm going to go get breakfast . I'm going to go to the grocery store get some stuff for dinner , some stuff that we need .
Let's just let's knock it out and get it done so that we can one do this , but mostly so the rest of the evening we could just sit and spend time together and we're not having to . Oh , we need to run the grocery store , we need to do laundry , we need to do this and do that .
No , if I can take care of that stuff now , then that's what I'm going to do then , so I can spend the time with you , because quality time , like love languages , that's all me . And listen , if I can do whatever I need to do to spend quality time with you . That's exactly what I'm going to do . It's so incredibly important to be able to do that .
So you know , for those of you who are struggling with these expectations , I think understanding your love language and your spouse's love language is incredibly important to be able to do that , and we're not going to break that all down today , but tune in because that is coming over .
The next few episodes are the love languages and the importance of them , breaking every single one of them down . But that is a huge thing . But ultimately , people stay away from social media . Stop getting your expectations from social media , because what we have learned is the comparison is the thief of joy .
I just don't understand how you can spend so much time consumed with watching what everyone else's happiness looks like . Why are you not going out and getting your own ?
Well , and the reality is that's not their happiness , because it's not real life . It's all pretend , it's all fake , it's all made up , it's all smoke and mirrors . It's not the real thing .
But the people that are watching it are wanting it .
Well , because they assume . Well , those people have it perfect , their life is amazing , they have everything done perfectly . Why can't I live up to that ? I'm not as good , I'm less than I'm not going to make it .
¶ Healthy Marriage Expectations and Realities
And that is the comparison . I'm comparing myself to these people who I don't know , who I'm consuming my life with , and they don't know you , they don't care anything about you .
They don't know your name .
They don't love you whatsoever .
They just want you to hit that follow button .
That's it , because it's going to get them more opportunities to show people . Look at this life that I've made for myself and it's not real . Get that yourself . It is a thief of joy , kind of scrolling through and just seeing all this stuff to say , oh man , I'm just not like that person , I'm not not good enough and that's a huge , huge , huge problem .
So stay away from social media . It's so , so dangerous .
So , as we kind of wrap this up just a little bit , if those are those people who are experiencing these expectations like , oh , we got married three years ago and it's just , it's not what I thought it was going to be and to be able to be more authentic and find greater satisfaction and greater joy in your marriage and in your relationship , I think one of
the most important things is you need to really understand what the relationship is truly all about , and that means , is it ain't about you ? And that's a hard thing for people to get- we live in a very selfish world . We do and especially for younger people , that is a very hard thing to understand is that this relationship is not about you at all .
In fact , it's more about your spouse than it is you . And by you serving your spouse in any way possible , going above and beyond to serve them and take care of them and make sure their needs are met and put them above yourself , that is where you're able to find true joy in everything .
Chase Jesus as fast as you can .
Totally .
Together .
Totally , because Jesus modeled what servanthood should look like . You know , he says I came to serve , not be served . You know , whenever he's washing his disciples' feet , he's like I have to make myself less than . And if we do that , if we put our spouse above ourselves , we can experience that same type of joy .
I completely agree .
So another side of that is by finding ways to serve your significant other with no expectation of anything in return .
That's tough for a lot of people .
It is because , like you know , what I did this morning and you know , doing all that , it's just stuff , so I could spend time with you . It wasn't all look at that , I did this and this and this , so she is going to owe me one now . And that's how a lot of people think you said it .
All I think of is grownups . Is I'm going to have Pepsi for dinner for for the rest of my life ?
Exactly , but you said keeping score , so explain to those who don't understand what do you mean by keeping score .
Well , like what you did this morning for me , you got points for that 10 bonus points . You got 10 bonus points for doing that and I'm at zero , so I have to do something for you , or let you go do something . You got to use those points .
That's the thought . Well , I did this today .
So like a rewards point program .
So I'm going to hang out with the boys and watch the Alabama game tonight .
I ain't going to be home tonight . I'm going to go out and I'm going to get drunk , because you did that for your wife this morning . That's not how it's supposed to work .
No , you do it selflessly because you love them . Yep , you know , it's the same concept in our relationship with Jesus .
Everyone thinks you know this idea of Jesus and , okay , if I'm gonna give my life to him , well , now I have to live this certain way and I have to do A , b , c and D , and I have to do all these things and follow all these rules , and then he will love me .
That's not true .
It's not true at all . The reason we want to live this certain way and live the life that Jesus modeled , and live by these rules he set in place , is because of that relationship with him . It's because of the love we have for him .
The same reason we have this yes , because you love .
That's it the reason .
I Literally says it Forget yes , because you love . That's it the reason I it literally says it , forget all of those things . Love one another .
Love one another , and the reason I don't go out with the boys and get drunk , the reason I don't go do this , the reason I'm not going behind your back or I don't treat you this way , or that is because of the relationship that I have with you , you this way or that is because of the relationship that I have with you .
So the only reason I would follow the rules or do what I'm supposed to do is because of the relationship I have with my spouse . So you need to ask yourself how important is my relationship ? Am I willing to put away all of that stuff for them ? And if the answer is no , okay , we got work to do .
Or do all those things together , because most people will not do either , or oh , you're right . Because they don't want their wife or girlfriend hanging out with the boys . I don't know what they're going to say . I don't want them to find out anything that they don't need to know .
That's true , that's true .
So if you're not willing to let your spouse be with you when you maybe act like somebody else , should you be doing it period .
That just shows you know you're not necessarily being the authentic you everywhere . You know you have that version of you with your friends . You have that version of you as a spouse . You have that version of you at work . Why can't you just be the same person all along ?
It's not Halloween and the pandemic is over . Take the mask off .
Take off the mask . Take off the mask . Live the life you were called to live . Love your spouse unconditionally . Don't keep score . Don't say , because I did this , now I'll get to go do this . Or hey , you remember two months ago whenever I cleaned out your car ? Well , you know what . It's time to pay up now . I want this .
I'm cashing in those points . You got to have sex with me tonight .
Exactly , exactly . Well , hey , I cut the grass and I cleaned the house and I did the laundry . You better have sex with me tonight . That's not how it works . That is not at all how it works .
And if you're doing that , then , yeah , you're not going to get the marriage that you should have expected in the first place , which is just someone that you can live this life with , that you can go through the good with you , can go through the difficult with that .
Someone who's going to pick you up when you fall down , that person who , when you are running at 1% , they will pick up the other 99 and run with it for as long as it needs to happen because of their love for you .
That's what the expectation should be , not because they have to .
No , because they want to , because they want to lift you up , they want to see you better , they want to make you better and , overall , that should be the expectation that we have . I've got someone who is here to make me better , and when two people do that , it's a beautiful , beautiful thing .
So , to get rid of the expectations selflessly , love your spouse , stay away from social media , don't keep score . Learn your love languages . I promise it can be much , much , much , much better . Try that .
Try it for 30 days and tell me there's not a difference . 30 day challenge Try it .
I promise I'll get you a Coke , not a real Coke , diet Coke I got you a diet Coke , but do that I promise , if you do coke , not a real coke diet coke , not diet , diet , diet . I got you a diet coke , but do that . I promise . If you're struggling with any of this , do that for 30 days , like really go all in for 30 days .
I promise you'll notice a huge , huge difference in your relationship , in your marriage .
You'll find so much more joy in yourself , yes , in yourself and your spouse and your surroundings oh , that person who , who you married , and everything was so great in the honeymoon phase , and now it's like , oh my gosh , just keep her away from me , I can't stand her voice . You will remember what it was like and you'll want her around , I promise so .
Any final thoughts before we get out of here ? None whatsoever .
Don't , no , okay , I don't think I have any Nothing to add All right , god , we love you , we I don't think I have any Nothing to add .
All right , god , we love you . We are so thankful for everything that you do . We're thankful for this platform and what you're doing with it , god . We just pray it reaches the ears that need to hear it . People who are struggling in their relationship , in their marriage , the people who have the unrealistic expectations that kind of the world has put on them .
Break that through . Let's get rid of it , and only you can do that . And just pray . People will chase after you . They will find you , they will live the life that you have called them to live and that they will just operate in the way that you designed . You created marriage .
You have a platform , a place for it , a design for it , and if we follow the follow it , it will
¶ Prayer for Healthy Relationships
be so much better than if we do it on our own . God , we trust you . We love you in Jesus name , amen .
Amen Play ball .