¶ Intro / Opening
You are making two huge mistakes in your marriage and really all your relationships , and you weren't even aware of it , and we are here to address that today . That , I will think , will be a game changer for anyone who listens to this .
Here's a question for you Is marriage overrated ? Why aren't people getting married anymore ? A new pew research poll found that two and five young adults think marriage is an outdated tradition marriage rates are at their lowest right now .
Is marriage really even worth it ?
more than half of marriages end in divorce if you get married , you have to be stuck with this person for the rest of your life , right , that's why you get married . So that's why it's declining . Why would you get married ? You have to be stuck with this person for the rest of your life , right , that's why you get married . So that's why it's declining .
Why would you get married ? If you want to have just one partner when you can have multiple Marriage is stupid .
Welcome to the Married AF Podcast , the self-proclaimed greatest marriage relationship podcast in the world . We are your hosts , matthew and Monica Powers , and chances are you are making two huge mistakes in your marriage and really all your relationships and you weren't even aware of it , and we are here to address that today .
That , I will think , will be a game changer for anyone who listens to this , because you sent me this devotion maybe a month or so ago and you're like . This hits home .
I feel every bit of this you said , especially with our children , and when I read it I felt every bit of that with our children and really with all sorts of relationships , and I guarantee you people are making the exact same mistake in their relationships and they have no idea that they're doing it .
Yes .
This was all you . You found this .
I found it but .
You found it .
I sent it to you because you do one of those and I'm just Drives you absolutely nuts .
I get it . So we're here to try and help everyone not make these same exact mistakes , but before we do so , we want to , real quick . Just Our hearts go out to the people of LA .
Yes .
With what they're dealing with right now with the fires . It's been going on for over a week , I believe . Now , as we're recording this now , la is like our number one spot . So we know we have people there , we have viewers , we have listeners there , we have people who are supporting us there 25% of our podcast . Our hearts and prayers go out to you guys .
One of my best friends in the whole world has a business that's right there in Santa Monica and I've been getting updates from him and he's been telling me listen , we're miles away from this thing just absolutely taking over their business there . So we see what's going on . It's devastating what's happening there .
We pray God will give some relief , get some rain , the winds to die down and just give the opportunity . The Santa Ana winds will not come in at 50 miles an hour and just blow this thing up . So we're definitely watching , we're with you , thinking about you , praying for you for sure , not just your health and safety , of course , but your homes too .
I mean , people are losing homes left and right .
And we've heard horrible stories about insurance companies .
Yeah , I've heard insurance companies have been dropping fire insurance , which is horrible , it's sad , it's devastating to people , but just pray that you can get the relief and safety that you need and all of that . We're there , we're with you in every bit of it .
And also , before we get started , something that you found this week my favorite band ever , Three Doors Down , like forever and ever . I mean , we've gone to and we've probably seen them 15 or 20 times .
Easy .
At a minimum , and they've just kind of just recently been coming back around and we've seen them several different times and the first time we saw them when they came back around was at Universal Studios and the lead singer , brad Arnold , really just opened up and shared his faith in Jesus at that show , at a rock show , which you don't see , that at all .
I was in tears , shared his faith in Jesus at that show , at a rock show which you don't see that at all .
I was in tears of joy , honestly , and we're like holy smokes . We're like I got to hear more about this . What in the world , never in a million years would have thought that ? And we've seen him several times since and each time he gets a little bit more in-depth , he gets a little more comfortable . It looks like being able to share his faith in Jesus .
The testimony gets a little bit longer at each show that we've been to .
And we're like , oh my gosh , we'd love to talk to him just to hear about it . Well , the dude has been on a podcast to share his testimony .
Which is great .
It's great , and I haven't listened to it yet .
I think it just came out a few days ago .
It did I . It just came out a few days ago . It did . I'll probably listen to it as soon as we get done recording , because I'm dying to hear the testimony because we even talked about . I want to know how did he go from here to here , what were the steps , what happened in his life and what brought him in the faith in Jesus .
And you can see and how do we get him on the podcast to get him to tell us the story ? To ? Tell the story of his faith , Fred Arnold if you're listening , we would love to have you on our podcast . Just saying Would love it so much , bring your wife .
Absolutely Would love to hear that side I love that . I would love to hear her side of it also .
Because she's a witness to all of this .
I mean she watched him go from where he was to where he is now and you can tell when you see him performing and I mean we don't know him at all , but we've seen him perform several times , we've seen him on social media , we've seen him in interviews you can tell there's a difference about this guy .
I mean , it wouldn't take long if you saw him before and how he performed , to seeing him now saying there's something different .
And that's , I think , the hope for all of us who follow Jesus are to just live it out loud , where people will look at us and say I don't know what it is , but there's something different about that person and I got to find out what that is . And then that's our opportunity to be able to go in and share what Jesus has done for us .
So I can't wait to listen to it and hear that whole story . Honestly , a little bummed , I would have loved for it to be us . That would have been amazing and so cool . But hey , listen , you never know what may happen . Brad Arnold , if you're listening , we want to know who's listening .
We'd love to talk to you and your wife just to hear what that whole story was like and especially the impact on the relationship that you guys have , so unbelievable . And last thing , before we get started , we haven't talked about them in a while .
Kingdom and willcom it's been a little while since we've been a minute kingdom and willcom I know you got some stuff from them , uh , we've gotten several things from them super soft shirt the the most soft shirts ever not expecting it no , and they for dudes , listen .
they're a little loose around the belly , which is nice , but they're tighter up top around the arms . It's great clothing , great company , christian-based organization , kingdomandwillcom . Go visit them .
Aren't they here in ?
Alabama . They're based out of Montgomery , Alabama , which is about an hour south of us . Use promo code MARRIEDAF for 15% off your entire order , All orders , all the time . Marriedaf is your promo code at kingdomandwillcom . So two huge mistakes people are making in their relationships . Number one are you ready ?
I'm not sure . Should I be taking notes ?
No , you already know all about this anyways . First , one first mistake we make is we react without trying to understand and what the devotion said , and I'll read a little bit of it . We pay too much attention to someone's words and not enough attention to the emotions behind the words . People say stuff when they're angry that they don't even mean .
They use words they don't intend to use . They exaggerate things . But you need to look behind the words , at the emotion , because people don't always say what they mean , but they always feel what they feel . So we're talking about feelings . Now Bible's really clear the heart is the most deceitful among all things , but feelings are feelings . Feelings are real .
We can't discount someone's feelings . Can't discount our spouse's feelings , our kid's feelings , our friend's feelings , our boss's feelings , whoever it may be . We can't discount them . But we are so quick to react without trying to really understand where someone is coming from and something .
Yes , I know I'm guilty of it .
It happens all the time we can't hear exactly what they're saying .
We need to try and be more considerate when someone comes at us with something , and whether someone is angry or they're sad , or they're frustrated or confused , we need to be more considerate when people are trying to tell us something , because oftentimes we're really quick to react instead of respond to what is going to happen , because those two things are hugely
different yes , I know I am guilty of .
Maybe brushing it under the rug is the term I'm looking for , but you know , when you're just too busy to do stuff . And it's not that I don't want to respond , it's just the timing of the action taking place does not fit with my timeline no I . I can agree with that yeah , no , I can .
I can see that sometimes because we have our stuff that's going on . But typically when someone's coming with you , coming to you with something , and especially if it's your spouse you know we say a lot someone's emergency is not my emergency .
But when it comes to your spouse , their emergency should pretty much be your emergency as well , because you're for them , you're with them .
Um , you shouldn't , you can't , always just stop what you're doing in that moment and take in what it is they're giving to you , but especially when it's your spouse , I mean , I think that's something you need to be considerate of what's going on , so that first mistake that we're making timing and those things too the time if you had a problem and you needed to
get it done like that .
Now I can't move on . If you know , I'm in the middle of getting ready and my routine . I mean , I attempt to do makeup . It's not great it's . I am no makeup connoisseur , but if I have something really close to my eye and I'm trying to get these silly eyelashes to stay in place to make it look like my eyes are at least open , don't come at me .
I cannot stop in the middle of that . So be aware of the timing .
¶ [Ad] The Brief
I agree , the timing is important when to come to somebody . So mistake number one we react without trying to understand . Number two , which I think most people are going to be guilty of this , and I don't think we're aware that we're guilty of this , and I think this can save you in so many instances .
It can reduce the number of fights and arguments that you may have . We invalidate any feelings that we don't feel ourselves . And the example that's given here . It says , guys , if your wife or girlfriend comes to you and says I feel ugly , I feel fat , Don't just immediately say , oh well , that's stupid . Why would you feel that way ?
You're not fat , You're beautiful . Instead , ask the question well , why would you feel like that ? What would make you say that ? Because you firmly believe , because you've done this to me before I do this to you every time I hate how I look
¶ (Cont.) Two Fatal Errors Holding You Back
in this .
Oh , it's one of those days I feel fat .
Yes , and I'm guilty of saying baby , you're not fat , You're beautiful .
I'm like I don't want to hear you tell me I'm not fat .
Exactly because your feelings are real .
I feel that way , you feel that way . There are some days that are going on in my life right now where I've had to take medicine to get me to the point where I'm happy and healthy . This medication has made me gain 30 pounds .
Yeah , I feel fat because I am fatter than I used to be , but you see me as I don't see that it doesn't matter , baby , you're beautiful Just let me feel the fatness and , guys , that's't matter , baby , you're beautiful . Just let me feel the fatness .
And guys , that's the complete wrong answer and instead I agree with what the devotion was saying is hey , why would you say that ? Because that's definitely not something that I see . But I don't want to invalidate what you're feeling , because it is real .
I think we're so quick to judge immediately where , if someone , especially our spouse , comes to us and says something that they are feeling this way , they're angry about something , and just because you don't see it , we immediately dismiss it . We immediately think , well , that's stupid , you shouldn't feel that way Get over it . That's dumb .
Don't feel that way Now . Move on and get over it . Instead , they really really feel that way . Don't feel that way Now move on and get over it .
Instead , they really really feel that way and we're just dismissing them and their concern whatsoever , like it does not matter , and we try to argue with them on why they're feeling that way , when the truth is they just feel that way .
Just let me feel that way .
And sometimes that's just the case . We need to be there and I'll say it again Be considerate to how they feel . Now , feelings they're real Doesn't always mean they're true , but they're real and we feel a certain way and it could be hard , it could be painful , but feelings are horrible leaders when it comes to making decisions .
And we've said that plenty of times Not lead with your emotions . You can't lead with your emotions . You can't make decisions based off of your feelings . But we can't just dismiss someone's feelings now . A good spouse will not allow their other , will allow their spouse to make a decision based off of how they feel .
And that's where you come in to be able to try and see where they're coming from , see what it is that's going on , see why they feel that way , understanding the why behind the what , instead of just saying , well , that's really stupid . You shouldn't feel like that at all .
I've learned that is not also just the case in a marriage . You have to take that into every relationship .
Totally agree .
I learned about the Enneagramagram we've talked about this before the enneagram . I never understood why I did not have that many female friends , because I always I'm an eight . If anybody knows the enneagram , I'm an eight you're the challenger I don't necessarily have feelings , in a sense , and if I do , I don't want anybody to know about it .
But it wasn't until a couple years ago , when I started coaching , where I realized I need to know who I'm dealing with .
Because every person is different .
Everybody is different . I can't coach a four the way I would coach an eight or a one or a three . You have to know who they are and how they react to certain things so you can . It helps you see why they're coming from , where they're coming from .
Which is so incredibly important .
But me . Until I figured all of that out about the Enneagram as my determined personality , where we are , just go , go , go , go , go . See a problem , fix a problem , move on , I learned that not many people can just suck it up and go .
Most people , I would say , can't just suck it up and go .
It hits hard because our daughter is the feeling , the empathy person Today in her basketball game . I tried to get the referee's attention . They're 10 years old . They will stop the game and teach them and coach them . It's great that they do that . But this little girl , the ball was out of bounds . She was throwing it in . It was for the other team .
Both of her shoes were currently untied . Our daughter is right in her face trying to block her from throwing the ball . Here's mom , I'm not paying any attention to the game . I am strictly to the referee . I don't want this baby to fall . I don't want her to get hurt , because it can happen .
Somebody step on those shoestrings and she keeps going and that shoestring stops her and bam . I don't want a busted nose . I don't want to have to . I don't want that . So our daughter , I don't want to have to , I don't want that . So our daughter hears everything that I'm saying .
Because it's happening right in front of us , five feet away from us .
She tries to stop the game too . The girl throws the ball . She didn't know her shoes were untied . This girl throws the ball in . And my daughter ? She is more worried about trying to get the referee's attention to help this little girl tie her shoes . She turns around to the girl who she gets the ball in .
They give the ball back to her and she shoots and then she realizes that her shoes are untied . Our daughter stays with this girl to help get her shoes tied . I know and the game is still going they're not stopping the game .
Not the referee's job , to stop the game .
No , she's like help , look , stop . And the girl , both of the girls . She just went down and tied her shoes .
That was that . Our little Elkie just stayed with her , didn't want . And you're like , I'm like who cares ?
The game's going on , go , but that's our sweet little girl it is . Now I will say she is a different person on the court .
Oh , she is . I mean , she scored 18 points today .
Of the 22 that were . She's a baller and she's aggressive , and she's out there to play , but she also will help up anybody .
Oh , she is .
She's the kid that you want on the team for morale . I did a little video because during halftime she was trying to be funny and make her team laugh because they were all spent . It was like 16 minutes . They had two 16-minute quarters or two eight-minute quarters the first half 16 minutes .
They had two 16-minute quarters or two eight-minute quarters the first half of 16 minutes . She was spent too she was tired . But she gets up and she's doing all this kind of funny thing with the coach and telling them this and this and this . She was just having a blast . That's her sweet little heart .
But if you're going to go for a jump ball with her , you ain't coming up with the ball .
No , you're going to go for a jump ball with her .
You ain't coming up with the ball . No , you're not , but she's . But that's the kind of thing . You have to understand the person . You can't just brush it under the rug .
No , she , she gets this , she will . She doesn't invalidate feelings .
She , she is valid .
Everyone's feelings about some , and which is a bad thing , sometimes too , uh , but you're exactly right , like when you got into coaching you can't . You can't coach everyone the same way . No , and we can't treat every person the exact same way .
I love the old saying of yeah and in this case , and what we should do is we don't treat everyone the same , but we treat everyone fairly .
You can't treat everyone , because we're not all the same no , because someone may feel a certain way about this .
Where someone else feels some way about this , it's like the example they gave here . Where can someone be cold and then another person be warm in the same room ? Absolutely , they can Us Exact same thing . Lately it's been the opposite way around . I'm cold all the time , you are freezing and I'm pouring sweats Like God the way around .
I'm cold all the time you were freezing and I'm pouring sweats like god bless . I must be going through menopause and you're like I guess I need some blood thicker . I'm like what the heck is a blood thicker ?
it was a stupid joke . Okay , I have blood thinners . I was like I need some of that blood thicker medicine that way , even though they don't make it . I understand that . I know that it's not real .
It was supposed to be a silly joke because we're going to bed that was going to go completely against everything that we're talking about right now and say that's dumb .
Honestly . Okay , it is dumb , but I feel . But listen , feelings are real . They're not always truthful , but we feel a certain way because we feel a certain way and we can't always help that . And we need to have people in our lives who can help us guide through that and understand why we feel that way .
And if the way we feel is stupid , we have people in our lives who are not going to tell us just point blank hey , that's stupid , that you feel that way .
Instead , they're going to realize okay , you feel this way , let's find out why you feel this way , and if you love someone , you're going to steer them towards what the truth may actually be to make a factual , truthful , mindful decision rather than a feelings-based decision . So the two huge mistakes we make we react without trying to understand .
And mistake two we invalidate any feelings that we don't feel ourselves . And I think that is the absolute biggest one . So what are a couple things that we can do to make sure we are considerate and we are empathetic towards people ? First one listen . First , men , this is the hardest thing for you to do .
It's not just men .
People , but men especially .
I have a hard time with that too .
We hear it and then our immediate thing is how do I fix this ?
Because I'm that mental thought Okay , there's a problem , let's fix it .
Yes , what's a problem ? Let's fix it . Yes , what's the problem ?
Let's fix that problem Not everything is broken , so it doesn't necessarily need to be fixed .
Sometimes your spouse just needs to be heard . Sometimes your spouse just needs to know I hear you , I love you and whatever it is you're feeling , I'm here to walk alongside you throughout it all . Just to slow down and truly listen to what is going on with your spouse and try to find out why which is the second one .
Seek understanding Instead of telling them they're stupid for feeling a certain way , instead of trying to fix the problem . Which , man , mr Fix-It , that's what we're here to do . I want to fix everything . So-and-so , said so , said something to you at work . Well , I'll go show them .
that's the feeling that we have all I think of is Ross and Rachel , or no , yes , because she was saying he just wanted to go and meet this guy who was saying these things , but no , it was Joey . When Joey was in love with her and she was Just trying to think of something to talk about .
Wants to buy my baby yes , yes , that one .
And she just saying something , Just to talk . But that's his first reaction , I'm gonna take Care of this . And he runs Straight to her work and rips him a new one and then she gets back to work and they're like okay we have a meeting with HR .
This message , this , this meeting , is being recorded , because by no means that I want you to think that I wanted to buy your baby .
Yes , yes , and that's that's that's what we typically do .
We don't want to it's just an overreaction that doesn't need to be Done , because if we would have , even in that situation , if he would have really understood why she said that , because there's an awkward .
Thing going on . There's a tension there Because Joey was in love with her .
Uh huh , if you've gotten to the root , gotten to the why , you would have known that . Okay , I didn't need to rush to the root . Gotten to the why , you would have known that , okay , I didn't need to rush to the .
Discovering the why behind the what . So ? So we listen . First , we slow down , we listen to your spouse's heart , not their words , but you listen to their heart , you try to find out why , and that's the biggest thing you have . The second one seek understanding , ask questions .
Shocker , if your spouse comes to you with something and you're trying to find out why . Ask questions . Thoughtful questions .
Not questions that are well . Why do you feel that way ?
More of a hey baby .
That's very insensitive .
Tell me what's going on .
It's only going to make a fight .
Yeah , why would you think that ? A lot can be done with just the tone . I mean you can say the exact same thing , but it means two completely different things , like why would you say that or what would make you say that ? Two completely different things .
And you're going to take that two completely different directions based off my tone and how I say something and how I ask something . It's going to be two completely different things . So listen first , seek understanding and number three offer empathy .
That's something I struggle with .
Offer empathy . Why do you think you struggle with that ?
Because I don't feel other people's feelings , but I feel like God put our daughter in our life for me to have those feelings because she feels everybody's feelings . Yes , she does Every little if I , if she comes home from school and I'm here and she can just look at my face , she will give me a hug . Mommy , is everything okay ? I just it's been .
It's been a day .
She will just stand there and hold me like uncomfortably long hugs , like you can't push her off , okay , yeah get off of me that I want to have my bad day .
She won't let you have it no , she won't she wants to be there , she wants to feel your pain , she wants to help you through . It's like she wants to take it from you .
She wants to and she is , she will take . She would gladly take the pain so someone else would feel better and she would deal with that .
Yep .
And that's I mean , that's essentially . I mean that is offering empathy , it's letting that person know that , hey , I see you , I hear you . I don't understand it yet I don't feel the same way you do , but hey , I'm here with you , you don't have to do this all by yourself .
And I think that's the dark path that a lot of people go down is because we aren't offering empathy , we're not seeking understanding , we're not listening , we are invalidating their feelings . People are left to feel like they are all by themselves and all alone in the way that they feel .
It's one of the biggest problems we see in this world is we feel like we are the only one who's dealing with the stuff that we're dealing with . If we took these steps , if we listened , if we seek understanding , if we offer empathy , we will quickly realize that you are not going through this all alone .
The chances are there are so many people in your lives who are dealing with or have dealt with the same stuff you may be dealing with right now . So those little me too , moments of just opening up and talking about it , and that's where you're like oh my gosh , you're , you're , you're all . You are almost divorced .
We're almost there now you're , you're , you're all . You were almost divorced . We're almost there now . You know you've you fought with this .
I did the exact same thing and to be able to to walk with each other through that . It isolates us more than anything and that's why I feel like small groups are so important , and I know people say that all the time , getting your city group or your small group or this or that , it doesn't even have to be with a church .
No , just being able to be .
Be with people who you can talk to and be vulnerable with in moments where you can go . God , this sucks so bad . I don't know what to do . My husband is saying this and I don't understand where he's coming from . I don't know what I'm doing wrong .
Just those little me too moments to get you in those positions with friends that can keep you accountable or actually tell you hey , yeah , I see it , he's not wrong . Right , or have you tried to talk to him about it ?
yeah , and you , you have to be able to . You have to be self-aware enough to give people that authority in your life to be able to say that , like what you just said , like , hey , I see , I see that too . You absolutely do that , because most people are going to be willing to take that type of criticism .
You're either the husband's friends or you're the wife's friends .
But you badly need people in your lives who will quickly call you out and say , no , your husband's right here . You do do this and it comes from a place of love , and we have to have those people who do that . That's I agree .
Small groups are incredibly important , uh , to be able to , to experience that and have that with the , with those people or you know , it doesn't necessarily have to be a small group no , it doesn't just be your your circle , your circle of friends that you trust and if they don't give you feedback or they don't help you in those situations , they are not your
friends . I'd say you can quickly realize if they're , those people are not , because if they're just like oh yeah , that stinks , I hate you feel that way , I'm so sorry .
You need people who are going to say oh man , I'm so sorry , but you know , think of it this way , or look at it from this standpoint , or , you know , those are the people who are there for you and those are the people who can help you , guide you through whatever it is that you are struggling with .
It's incredibly important Speaking of small groups .
Yes .
We are doing our small group .
We are bringing back the Married AF small group to cultivate church . It's starting here in probably a month or so After 21 days of prayer and fasting . I think they usually kick up . So yes , we are bringing it back . Maybe we should do something for all of our listeners that can't be here .
Maybe a little teaser , a little cliffhanger are you throwing out there ? I don't know , we haven't talked about it .
It just came to to me . I guess we need to talk about it , don't we stay tuned ?
stay tuned , listen to the next episode . Maybe we'll have a little something special for all you people who can't be there most of our listeners are not necessarily from here no , in fact , like 99 of them are not from here . Nobody .
Nobody that likes us around here listens to us , so we'll listen . So thank you for everybody else who's watching .
Listen , we'll see . But yeah , the small group's coming back . We feel a deep need that . This is Like you said you need a small group of people to be able to do that . I was reading it was a devotional the other day and it small group of people to be able to do that . I was reading it was a devotional the other day and it was .
They were talking about the verse where two or three are gathered , god's presence is there , and he was specifically talking about that being in a group of small people . He said getting with two or three people or four or five people , but a small group of people , he said .
And when you are able to get in that group and be honest and open up , he said , and open God's word , he said God is there in more ways than you could ever think that you need . He said we have our one-on-one time with God . It's great , we need it . We have corporate worship that we do once a week or twice a week , and it's great and it's needed .
He said but , man , there is something about being in a small group of people , he said that is where your real depth of relationships come into play . Dead on , absolutely dead on , which is the reason .
We've learned that in the past 12 years .
Yes , I think so .
That's how long we've been at Colton .
Yeah , the Married AF small group will be back in . I guess that'll be the spring semester of 2025 . We're looking forward to it , definitely praying over it , and just hope that God opens the doors for people who need it and that we can be here for them and help with those relationships . But for today , listen , seek empathy , seek understanding .
Don't invalidate feelings just because you don't feel it , because the feelings are real and you're there to try and help , steer someone in the right direction and try and get them back where they need to go and it happens with your spouse , so don't make these mistakes a game changer it is if you can figure this out . So any final thoughts before we go .
I love you .
I love you , let's get out of here . God , we love you . I love you . Let's get out of here , god . We love you . God , we're so thankful for what you're doing . We're thankful for your word . We're thankful for relationships . We're thankful for the relationships that you brought into our lives .
We're thankful for the relationships with listeners and viewers who we don't even know yet , but you have them in this community and it's beautiful to see . And our prayer is always God , that you'll just take this to the people who need to hear it , the ears that need to hear it .
And God , that the guards will be broken down so people just receive what it is that you need , because we all need you . We look to you . We love you in Jesus name , amen amen play ball .