Overcoming Jealousy in Relationships

Here's a question for you Is marriage overrated ?

Why aren't people getting married anymore ?

A new Pew Research poll found that two in five young adults think marriage is an outdated tradition .

Marriage rates are at their lowest right now . Is marriage really even worth it ? More than half of marriage is end in divorce . If you get married , you have to be stuck with this person for the rest of your life , right ? That's why you get married . So that's why it's declining .

Marriage is stupid .

Welcome to the Married AF podcast , self-proclaimed greatest marriage relationship podcast on the planet . We are your host , matthew and Monica Powers , back for another episode of the podcast after a couple weeks off from vacation , from Thanksgiving , from traveling , from all of the things . We're here .

We have to get these in because I'm leaving again .

Because you leave the country tomorrow , I do .

Where you headed . What is Mexico ?

So not Cancun . You're not chilling on a beach , different kind of beach . Nothing fun like that at all .

There's a lot of dirt and sand , but not the relaxing kind .

So , for all the people who listen and like and subscribe and we're so thankful for all of that and who are watching on YouTube , as everything is recorded , explain to everyone why . What is ? Why in the world would you go to this place that , if you Google it , no human being would ever want to go there . So explain to everybody , because it's really amazing .

You want everyone to know why I go to the most dangerous city in the world .

And why I'm okay with you going to the most dangerous city in the world Absolutely . I would love for people to know .

Well , we have friends that are missionaries that left Coltivate here in Alabama to go to Juarez , hunger house international .

Yep .

And what they do is they have different checkpoints , or that's the wrong word to use . Checkpoints are bad word , they're .

They have different homes , different areas , different places .

Yes , they partner with different places that feed the children of Juarez and they also give jobs to adults that are there , that are willing to be there for the children .

Yeah , because essentially these kids have no no one , nothing . They're just kind of left . Juarez is extremely dangerous drug cartel all over the place and the children are just left to fend for themselves .

I mean I've literally been there when parents have literally dropped their children off at the orphanage because they could not I wouldn't say could not , did not want them anymore .

Right .

Just left them .

And so you go at least every single year . Really , any opportunity that you go ever since the first time you went completely changed your perspective on everything and just amazing work that they're doing there .

The people there . Not only do they get food and help these children and give the jobs , they are also getting scripture , they're getting fed and they're getting fed the word of God .

Yeah , which I mean they . Realistically , these kids mostly could not survive without them . Like you said , they get food , they get to learn about Jesus , they get a place to stay .

Yeah .

Essentially they get love , which they don't have clothes , education , just anything they can do to help them survive their , their form . And this hundreds of kids .

Yes , hundreds of kids and this week alone that we go every December is Christmas . Yes , you all give Christmas we give , and we give , and we give , and it is just the most exciting opportunity ever because they are so grateful .

Yeah , I mean they're happy to have anything A bag of rice , just anything , it doesn't matter what it is . But really they're just happy that there is someone there , because they don't typically get to experience that at all .

Their parents that work two and three jobs just to be able to have the house that they have is not necessarily a house .

Nope .

Most of the room . Their houses are the size of our office right here , but with dirt floors dirt floors , pallets pallets . They stuff things between the pallets Just to be able to keep things out .

Yeah , they'll do it , just whatever they can to try and make it , and you've been often , quite a few times now , and it's just an insanely humbling experience .

Every situation .

So you head out for a week tomorrow you'll be gone . Me and the kids will be here to fend and survive the best that we can .

I mean I'm in for bed .

I know We'll be okay .

Our kids are absolutely amazing because they know that they are this sacrifice for them to be away from me for this week , that these children in Juarez , they Are having a mom .

Yes , because most of these kids don't have one . No no , and they've never known what that that is or what's supposed to look like . So they're experiencing it for really the very first time .

So cash and Elkie Know that these children are borrowing their mommy for a week .

They're borrowing a mom for a week and they are okay with it .

And I said was he was saying hello to everybody and I was just hi and he stopped Me just mid-sentence and all of his attention was directly on me .

But he just he did not know what to do and he was just a mr Flirty Flurrican .

He was stumbling over words

It was . It was funny to watch , cuz I just kind of sat back and watch this whole thing .

I was even laughing at it , cuz I could see what was happening but our son cash .

He got mad like he was furious , he was so red , he was so jealous , like mommy , what is that man doing ? Why is he doing that ?

I didn't like that .

He hated everything about it . We just kind of laughed it off and everything . But as we were talking about that , we're talking about jealousy and the Everyone is jealous at some point in time of someone or something .

I Think back to when we first started dating okay . I Did not understand why you picked me over all of these other girls who were begging you to Be their boyfriend Literally begging . I felt like I was in a long term War and I was not even gonna win a battle . I Never was gonna win the war .

So , even though I chose you and was all about you , jealousy crept in .

It was

Now I think that's one big piece is a lack of self-confidence .

And that was 15 , 16 year old Monica .

Right . But those , I mean those , those for a lot of people and I mean I went years before you really kind of built the confidence and realized , okay , okay , I see it now .

Oh , absolutely , and I've been told so many times that , like , mostly like women , women are so jealous of other women they are jealous of- . Why , though ? Because they want something that that woman has , because they don't have it . Such as and it's not like a man in a way .

Well , it can be .

It can be , and that's how I felt when we were teenagers , right ? But what if they like physically ? Oh my God , her eyebrows are amazing . You know I don't like her . She's always looks perfect . She's always dressed nice . It's like she doesn't even have it's flawless . She's making this look too easy . Those little things are physically like .

I want boobs , hence the reason the boob job .

Yes , or they're jealous of another girl , of how another girl's butt looks .

Right , cause I mean that you know , for men , we're , you know we're visual .

Exactly .

And I mean we like boobs and butts , that's just what it is .

That's what it is . Every man wants TNA .

Yes , you know , I mean that's just , that's just kind of part of it .

But you get jealous of those other girls and then you start breaking yourself down and when you see a girl walk into a room that looks like she's got it all together , oh God , she better not talk to my man .

And that's yeah , and that's what I was going to kind of get to and ask , because they , even for on the man side I think that's usually where it comes from is the man side , and the reason he has the jealousy of , you know , another man , you know , possibly speaking to his , his woman in a sense , and the reason why men get physical and they fight and they

Yes .

And we have that undying fear that we're going to lose what we have because of little inadequacies that we just have , and we seek those in other people and we think that , you know , shame on us men . In some relationships are like this , but I think the majority of them are not . Shame on us men .

Well , there's no difference in the same thing with another woman walking into the room Because I've literally been told I hate it when you talk to my husband or my boyfriend , Because they instantly one get jealous and think because of my confidence I can't help the way I look . God bless me in areas that other women don't have . Amen , You're welcome .

Yes , he did .

But that doesn't mean , because I'm blessed in those areas , that I'm going to go after your man . I don't want you man girl .

Well , and I think that's again just another like , oh man , I don't have what she has and he's going to leave me for that . Yes .

That's so true .

And the jealousy should go away .

It doesn't .

But it doesn't . And again , I think it's . You know , it's again the social media , instagram , perfection that's out there .

Your jealous of what other people have , which , which , or you think that they have .

Which should not be valid at all . Now I will say that some of this jealousy can stick around and I think some of it can be valid based on really bad past .

Yes , but if that wasn't a previous relationship , you cannot compare your previous relationships to what you currently have .

You cannot , but we do , we do . Comparison is the thief of joy . It is , it absolutely is , and it will do it so , so quickly and so easily .

So but then also comes with trust .

Completely .

I know I've I've said this as a joke , but I'm so serious when I say it . Jennifer Aniston , our generations , everything and Rachel Green . Rachel Green . It does not get better . That's the standard you know before . Her was like Cindy Crawford for older generation .

Yep , I don't know who that is now .

I don't know who the person is now but Jennifer Aniston . But I've said so many times , jennifer Aniston could literally walk into our house butt naked , straddle you and want every piece of you and you would still go oh my God and try to shake her hand .

Well , one , I don't understand what's happening . Two , yeah , I mean I just you know you wanna blanket or something .

You've gotta be cold , is everything okay Is ?

there . A strong wind outside that blew all of your clothes off . You know , can we help you with that in any way ? But no , there's a lot of truth to that , because I've got no interest in that and I have full confidence , as you do , on that side , on this side as well .

And we have 100% proof that you do , absolutely I do ?

You spent three weeks with the Rock ? You spent three weeks with Dwayne the Rock Johnson filming Jumanji .

That sounds so bad . You need to slow down just a second . I did not spend three weeks .

You were not with him personally , but you did spend significant time three weeks with the Rock .

And . I encouraged it With knowing . In previous years I said the only man I will ever leave you for is Dwayne Johnson .

Yeah , he was number one and like the only on the list . He was my number one before he . Yeah , but you did . I was like , yeah , you're gonna go , yeah , you're gonna spend three weeks there .

I was only supposed to be there for a couple of days . Change of plans hey , we need you here for the next few weeks . I don't know how that happened . It was honestly a god thing .

It was the coolest thing ever , and that's why I was like , yeah , you .

I have already left the hotel . I have to literally call my husband right now and tell him I need to stay in Atlanta . He is going to laugh at me and go no , are you kidding ? What is wrong with you ? But when I got the role , I did my Like .

Yes .

Oh , oh , oh , my God , you're going , you have to go , and I was like , well , that's not exactly what I expected .

So just to show there's full faith there .

Full faith , not that I would ever leave you for the rock Well that's the thing .

I know that , like no matter what . I know that . That's the reason I said absolutely , you're going to spend three weeks , you're going to film Jumanji . I know the rock was like the guy You're going to spend three weeks there , the rock's going to be there . I got no worries with that whatsoever Now , 10 , 15 years ago .

You'd have been like .

Been a completely different feeling .

Well , it was also . What year was it 2011 ? When I was doing stuff with WWE . Maybe , we went to WrestleMania that year .

We did .

And what happens ? Okay , we sit next to Ludacris at WrestleMania .

Yes , we do , because Fast Five was coming out , the Rock was the host of WrestleMania and I was about .

We didn't know this at the time . That was what in April .

Yes .

And in July is when they're like , hey , we want you .

Hey , we want you to sign the contract , we want you to come on , we need you to come .

We need you in St Louis Missouri on this date for SmackDown . Blah , blah , blah , blah , blah . I'm like the rock is back . Oh yes , At that moment , absolutely there's no doubt in your mind . Oh , my God , my wife is going to be with the rock all the time .

You're exactly right At that point in time and years prior and even shortly after , where we are now , it's not even debatable . But then it's like , yeah , of course there's thoughts crept in my mind . It's like you've got to be kidding . For me there was a ton of jealousy in all those moments with any guy you may have crossed paths with .

I can't give her this .

I can't give her that . And , man , she is going to bolt the opportunity that she gets because I'm not quite that guy , which is the most ridiculous thing to actually think . But that's just the point in our lives where we were in our relationship , which was not a great place at that point in time .

No , it's only gonna break down in the relationship .

But we were able to move past that so quickly and so well to the point where we are now , where it's not even a thought in our minds whatsoever .

But that wasn't I even laugh . I even see it . I see women flirting with you all the time .

Well , and you've talked about this and see , my perspective is- .

And you have no idea .

Well , and that's the thing , I have no clue , because I am genuinely interested in people .

Right .

I'm genuinely interested in having conversations with them . So yeah , male or female , I will . I'll sit , I'll make eye contact with you , I'll be engaged , I will listen , I'll talk to you , I'll learn about you , just because I have a genuine interest in people and apparently sometimes- .

No , I'm not the not sometimes .

Just sometimes not all the time , 95% of the time . Sometimes that could be taken as flirting , especially with the women , and I'm oblivious to it because I don't see it as that . But when you bring that up and you kind of bring that to the surface , the reason , I think , why is because , men , you're probably not giving that to her .

Exactly . They've never had someone show so much interest in them .

Yeah you're in the most recent amount of time in the relationship You're probably got one eye on the football game and one eye on her , instead of being singularly focused on watching Actually half an eye on her other half on their phone and one eye on the TV .

It's for me , it's when I see I'm there but I'm at a distance . And the women that try to give you the full frontal hugs .

Yep .

And you try to side hug them and you're like , oh , okay .

Listen , I'm not a huge hugger to begin with . Most of the time , you know , high five , something like that , a side hug can be perfectly fine with me .

Well , sometimes it even happens in front of their husbands .

Yeah , yeah it has . And boy , is that awkward Boy , is that a strange situation ?

Yeah , what are you putting your beard ? It is amazing . I need him to get that .

Yeah , leave .

Holy crap , this poor guy .

Yeah .

Can't you talk about that when you get in the car and close the door ? Or just , or just , you know hey , maybe you should ask him what he uses , not the .

Or just or just . Maybe you know , hey , run the target , Go get a little beard oil and bam , there you go , and that takes care of it Right there .

But it's very awkward when those situations come up .

It is very awkward because and I mean , you do it in a sense to not that you're flirting , but you take an interest in people . Yeah , you engage with them , you talk to them , you , you know you do every bit of that and boy , boy . Can that be taken away out of context ?

Especially with guys , because if they start talking about sports , Because you enjoy sports . If they start talking baseball , we can stand there all day and talk baseball , it's . I mean , I know football too , but I don't care about it . No , but you know they're like Holy crap , this chick knows sports .

You can speak their language , right ?

I don't know anybody else I could have . I've had too many situations where they just hung on .

Well , hung on way too long and I just , you know , just being it's weird a little transparent . You know , years and years ago when we decided that , hey , you know , maybe maybe we shouldn't be together , maybe we should try to see what the field is and see what it's like out there .

I don't know what I did .

And again my side of it .

I mean , you were the first person I called . I know , but I was like they said , will you marry me ? And I said I got to go , you were . The first thing I did was oh my God .

And that's kind of the point where I was like , hey , this thing going to work , like we need to wear it across roads . We need to make a decision . Do we do this or do we just completely ?

Do I need to say yes to one of these guys ?

Do we just completely separate done ? Just hey , we're going to cut this thing off , we're finished , we're done and we're going to completely go our separate ways . And that was kind of a turning point of , like , which way are we going to go ?

Because we didn't date .

No , we didn't . And it it it ripped my soul . I mean it it hurt , it was rough , it was hard , it was difficult . I was insanely jealous all the time and , looking back , man , the unhealthiness that that was just as a as a human and personally .

It breaks you down .

It does , you know , getting into depression and stress and anxiety . That can become a really real thing because of it . And man , it's , it's , it's so difficult , it's so heartbreaking and it's not something that should be carried over into your marriage . Absolutely not , and luckily we were able to get get past all of that .

Yeah .

Because that's it's still there .

So , so if you're feeling that , totally in the back of your mind , if you have to still go through your husband's phone or your wife's phone to make sure she's not doing something that you don't want her want her to , or something that he's doing you don't want him to . So there needs to be a conversation .

There needs to be a lot of real , real , real , deep heart to heart conversations , like if you do not have your spouse's email passwords and faces on each other's phones , where they can get in at any time if they don't have full access to all of your stuff that means you're holding something back from them .

Mine's not on yours , I just know your passcode .

But you should be that open and man that that , oh that breaks down all walls , it breaks down everything . Just to just to trade phones , yeah , to just leave your phone somewhere .

I can't look at your phone . It's so irritating . Close the dad gum apps .

I know I have way too many apps .

It drives you insane . It even drives our kids insane .

Dad , you have so many apps .

I'm still going .

I just don't close the apps , no look at this .

No , it's going to make me irritated but that can be a .

That's a . That's a again helps create

Maybe there is something going on , I don't know if there's something going on Through their pictures , because you're worried about what's being sent or saved .

Well , and not even you have to look through If you have that thought that in your mind , that's that's creating jealousy , and I would like to say and I think it's probably true for the majority that that stuff isn't going on and that's some sort of made up dumb story you've built up in your head . That's actually going on and the reality is that it's not .

If it is my God , get a hobby . There is . It takes up too much time and energy to have multiple situations going on that you have to keep up with . Oh yeah , you don't want to do anything like that .

It's a terrible idea . One lie turns into two .

And then you have to remember both of them , and then you got to tell another one and then you got to remember it's not worth it . No , it's not worth it .

You will lose your hair .

You will go gray . You will get more wrinkles than you're supposed to .

Not the reason I've gone gray or lost my hair at all , just saying I'm not gray , no , you're not . No , you're not so and I don't necessarily look 40 , but no , you're early 30s , early 30s is where you're at , but the lack of stress . Thank you , powers .

You're very , very .

So I mean , if stress , if the stress of jealousy is real , it's not , it's not , it's not healthy , you know , and there's a difference between being , between being jealous and being jealous , and being between being jealous and protective .

Not like going to a closed room with just another .

Someone of the opposite sex yes . Yeah , you're just . You're not going to do that , and in a billion years , nothing would ever happen . The look of it is bad and the optics are bad of it .

It's not something that you don't want to push One person to see something out of context .

Yeah , and then that can just snowball into . Well , I saw you know powers go into the room with so and so to plant that stupid little seed in your brain that you don't even think anything about .

And when , truly , when it comes down to it , nothing even remotely came close to happening or was ever thought of ?

No , you're exactly right . So you know , if you , if you do battle the whole jealousy thing , man , you , you've got to get together , you got to get on the same page about it .

Yes , couldn't agree more .

So we're going to be done , so you can finish packing , so you can head out to Mexico tomorrow afternoon . It's going to be awesome . We'll miss you , but we will be back Next week . Has this come out ? On Tuesday ? There will be another episode the week after that because we'll record when you come home .