¶ Is Marriage Overrated? Marriage Declining Worldwide
the next week . We'll be back with more on that . Here's a question for you is marriage overrated ? Why aren't people getting married anymore ? A new Pew Research poll found that two and five young adults think marriage is an outdated tradition .
Marriage rates are at their lowest right now . Is marriage really even worth it ? More than half of marriages , and that's why you get married .
So that's why it's declining . Why would you get married if you don't ?
if you want to have just one partner when you can have multiple marriage is stupid . Welcome to the mayor day podcast to self-proclaimed greatest marriage relationship podcast in the world . We are your host , matthew , and Monica powers back for another episode of the show , and so pumped we are I am on that .
I'm on that level of being really tired and wanting to nap , but I'm not there yet , so once it's all gone , we're completely crashing , be completely done with it . But welcome to everyone who is here , everyone who is back , everyone who is here for the first time welcome , we're so happy that you're here with us .
Everyone who is listening to the show , watching the show . Thank you , guys . So so very much . Please subscribe , like it , download it , leave a review , all of those fun things , because that just helps people find us , find the show and listen , if this is the Lord's will for it to reach you . So again , thank you everyone who has done that and does that .
You are incredible , yes , how you doing .
I'm looking at all these stats and it's just mind blowing to me . What's up ? Los Angeles , for real Los Angeles ?
San Jose , New York and Miami , and then that what you said .
Yeah they're the top most downloaded locations for the podcast .
That's unbelievable . Bangladesh where , yeah man , the Germans loved us . Australia We've talked to that before 32 countries now I don't know what it was prior to me .
We'll say less .
We'll say that it's improved at the very least . That I don't know for sure , but maybe it has . But thank you for all those people who do listen . Yeah , we never expected it in a billion years that this would happen . For some reason you keep doing it and I guess as long as they keep listening , we'll probably still stick around .
Listen , we live in a city that's not as big as the city . I think it's a little local to us know about Kaliro Alabama . No one's heard of Kaliro Alabama , but for all they know it's the same as Greenbow Alabama that does not exist .
It does not but force gun made of famous Right . But we live here , in Kaliro . It's not that big of a city , it doesn't matter , no , but by living here I feel like it is important for Kali psic . We live here for generations now thinking of the 1st peril , colorful neighborhood of pickup . Of bell busters and and 1st telephone there .
It's like 高u had a University of Kansas . And what do you mean ? You act like you know . There are people that affect you following yours and someone could go . They want to get into the community and have a conversation , people who listen . And again , it can't be said enough . We're so thankful for that .
Yes , it's really cool to see the Los Angeles and Miami , or top two .
Two places we have been , that's so cool , we have . We have . We've been to both in the past year , which is pretty cool , so , but we'll dive into the episode , but not until we do what we always do , and I say always the last two episodes we did in the third
¶ Intimacy and Communication in Relationships
time . We're going to continue to read from the Gen Z Bible , the New Testament , the Gen Z Bible . I figured we're going to go with Tim Tebow Eye , black Scripture , john 316 , because oh , this one's hilarious . Everyone I've read this Even if you don't love Jesus and you don't read the Bible . People know John 316 .
Yeah , and they always say favorite Bible or John 316 , that's like the go-to . So you know it's God , so love the world . He gave us one on only son , so those who believe in him will not perish but have eternal life . But Gen Z , gen Z doesn't know .
Give me the Gen Z version . You ready for this ? I love this one .
Yo peeps . God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only son . So anyone who believes in him won't get wiped out but will have life . That goes on forever . Jesus preached Yo peeps , yo peeps . Just how it starts out , yo peeps . It goes on in verse 17 .
God didn't send his son to this world to hate on him or anything , but to save it through him . Whoever believes in him ain't gonna get judged . But those who don't believe already got the judgment hanging over them because they didn't put their trust in the name of the one and only son of God . Yo peeps .
That may not be totally accurate , because we will all have a judgment day and be judged . But we're gonna get judged for it . But we're there , we made it . But yo peeps , you ain't gonna get wiped out .
Not wiped out .
That's fun stuff , yo peeps .
Yo peeps .
Yo peeps .
Hey yo peep , what we're talking about today .
Today we're gonna talk about intimacy . Oh boy , people lacking intimacy in their marriage , and I'll have to talk about sex . That's part of it .
Well , that's what most people think when they think intimacy .
Well , exactly , I think that may be part of the problem .
It's bumpin' uglies . This is why I don't want to know it anymore . I can't know what you wanna talk about . I just need to go with it .
Bumpin' uglies is gonna be all over the place . This is amazing . It ain't all about bumpin' uglies . Okay , it's not , and I think that's where we may get lost on it is people think it's just about bumpin' uglies .
But you gotta do something .
In other words , if you want to do it , do something , do something . But being intimate is way more it's way deeper than just the sex part of it . That's part of it , it's not so . You know , many couples face that Many couples are not intimate at all .
But the idea is that maybe we can give you a few things to help get the intimacy back , get the sex back , if that's lacking , but also get the intimacy back .
Yeah , let's be just in timber Like , let's bring that sexy back baby .
I like the . Who was the band who covered that ? What was their name ?
Oh my , gosh so hot .
Hard Rock Band . Oh , it's so good .
Now I'm not gonna think of anything else until I remember that .
Bumpin' Uglies , I'll just leave that on your mind . Maybe it'll change it just a little bit . But I got a few things just to , maybe some practical things that hopefully can bring intimacy back into your relationship . Not again , not just the sex part , but just the closeness . Is that what we're talking about ?
Just being close , being where to become one , how God created it from the very beginning , where two people become one , and it really I think it's something that many people struggle with . I think we've become so self-centered and so into just me that we've forgotten that we have a partner there , we have someone else there who they need our attention also .
Two can't become one when you're all about yourself . Don't work that way . So the first , as always , the foundation of intimacy , really the foundation of everything , and really what everything ? Every problem arises from this , every success arises from this communication .
Absolutely .
Talk , talk , talk , talk , talk , talk , talk , talk , talk , talk . Have those hard conversations , have those conversations that you don't wanna have , have those conversations that you do wanna have . Have them when the time is needed .
Now , saying that if something's going wrong , you just like drop everything right there and hey , we're gonna hash this out right this second , but no , you better handle it within the next .
Stick a pin in it .
Put a pin in it , but don't put a pin in it for too long .
No .
So it's just gonna linger .
I mean it depends on how deep the situation is . Such as I mean , if we are not agreeing on a punishment for our child , yeah , I'm gonna stick a pin in it . I can sleep on that . That's not something that's gonna keep me awake at night .
That is true .
But if it's something where you might see a text or an email on your spouse's phone and you're like , oh my , why are they getting messages from , whatever person it may be ?
Yeah , that's pretty serious .
That one definitely doesn't need to have a
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pin .
Now that's something you like . Hey , we gotta go somewhere and we gotta conversate this now , Not this conversation now .
It might not be the way you think it should go , but it has to go .
It has to go down right now . But even then , if it's that type of conversation , but you got a whole lot of other things going on like you should be able to see your spouse's phone at any time . You should be able to see what's going on there at any time .
I'm sorry you cannot see my phone right now . Because , I don't know where it's at .
I'm not surprised at all . Hence the reason you got an Apple Watch . One of the main reasons for that is not just to tell time or anything like that . It's so you can find your phone . Now the problem that we have run into
¶ (Cont.) Intimacy and Communication in Relationships
is sometimes you also lose the watch . Oh yeah , and you don't know where either is , and maybe that's something we need to have a conversation about to discover a little more intimacy . I'm joking , I'm just trying to bring it all back to intimacy here . But you gotta have the conversations , you gotta talk about it , you gotta be open .
We talk about it all the time , but I don't think it can be said enough , cause people just don't do it , they just don't wanna talk about it , they don't want to go through , maybe , that difficult conversation because they're worried about what may happen from it , and that's why it's no judgment . I should be able to come with you with anything .
Right , but you shouldn't have to go and worry about talking about the conversation that needs to be had because of what the other person's gonna say , because you shouldn't have probably done what you did anyways .
No , but you gotta come clean .
Right , but if you have open and clear communication , there should not be an issue out there that's unresolved .
No , there shouldn't , and I think one thing that you have to remember is that your spouse is for you , like they're not against you , they're not trying to bring you down .
That's the way it should be .
It should be . But you have to go in knowing that my spouse is for me . They want what's best for me . They want what's best for us , for our children , for our family .
So I can come with them with anything , no matter what it looks like , how bad the screw up may have been or how crazy or outlandish this may seem , and be able to work through it together , because we are the two that became one , so we have to talk . That can't be overstated enough .
Another thing is , whenever there are things that come up and you're not intimate , you've got to identify kind of that root cause , like what is really really causing this . And it's one of the things that I do and I learned through the whole business . Lean processing thing that you hate so much is asking why until you can't ask why any longer .
It makes sense , because that gets you down to the actual root cause of what it is . What is causing the intimacy issues ? And what I found is that stress is a high level one unresolved conflicts this is just kind of building up until they eventually explode .
But some other things that people experience that cause intimacy issues and people not being able to be intimate together . It's the high stress , it's low self-esteem , which I think happens a lot .
More so in females , I would think . Because , Of weight gain , weight loss , what they used to look like compared to what they now look like , why you're supposed to love your spouse all ways , not always and forever , but always . A-l-l .
W-A Space yes .
W-A-Y .
Love them all ways . Another reason is rejection that once you're rejected like man , especially because and you hear this from the man side of things that man get rejected from their wife for it's usually sex related but get rejected from their wife and eventually that just kind of turns them off completely . Like what's the bother ?
Why do I even try , why do I even make an effort ? Because every time I do she says I have a headache . I have a headache or no , I'm just too exhausted . I wanna go to bed and just go to sleep . But then you lay in bed and you watch TikTok for three hours and that happens .
It does .
Way too often where you're laying in bed . You were too tired to be intimate with your husband , but you're there giggling away at reels and videos and watch them for hours and hours and hours and hours . What kind of message is that sending to your spouse ?
I would get bored .
I mean , it is sending a message real quickly that this video and this person and this group and this whatever is far more important than you and I would rather spend my time with them than you .
That's exactly what happens and that builds resentment , which is another thing that can cause kind of these intimacy issues , as you have resentment built up towards your spouse , towards your partner , because of maybe these past hurts or this past rejection or whatever it is , and I think this one is huge Lack of non-physical intimacy .
So if you don't use it , you lose it .
Yes , you do , 40 year old virgin . Thank you very much . But the non-physical type , and not even fully non-physical , but holding hands , hugging each other , giving each other a kiss , just being there around each other , looking each other in the eyes when you speak to each other , being focused on each other .
We all need that and that non-physical or non-sexual intimacy has to be there . And could it lead to the sexual side of things ? Absolutely , absolutely it can , but that should never be the reason that should be the reason .
It should be because you love and you care about your spouse , and I think those are some of the root causes to why people aren't intimate together at all , and you have to be able to address these and again , communicate about them and talk to them .
You know one thing to understand love language , understanding your love languages , is huge for this Cause you can know that , hey , my spouse likes this and this is how I can show them my love , like mine is not gifts .
No , I think that's it Some of the love languages . I feel like people don't quite understand the love languages as in the gift one they feel like when that is they take the quiz or read the book or whatever they figure out . When they see that it's gifts , it means they might interpret their love language of gifts as in they are gift givers .
Yes , that's not .
That's not what that means . It's you like receiving the gifts from your significant other ?
That is how you feel loved . Is that someone gave you a gift ?
They think of you enough to buy you something or give you something , and it doesn't have to be something that was bought . You could make them things or leave them a little node , cause that's technically the same thing . You're leaving them a little surprise .
And I think when people think of gifts , they think it's gotta be like this big thing and it's gotta be something I went and bought and this big , huge gift . You're right , it can be something as small as just a little note , Cause all that is it says is I'm thinking about you .
Or if you know you have to go to the gas station to get gas that day , hey , maybe you should swing in and get them their favorite little candy .
Grab you some Snickers , baby . Bring home some M&Ms .
Diet Coke and M&M .
That's what's up . But listen , I'm not a gift person , no , no , I mean like you can buy me things and you do , and I appreciate them , but it doesn't do anything for me compared to hey , let's just sit on the couch with each other and that's it , cause mine is quality time .
But understanding your love languages , I think , can help uncover the root causes for the lack of intimacy and be able to kind of bring bring the spark back . The third thing is prioritizing your time together .
We were we've just kind of been talking about this before we started recording and really this week , you know time together , time something you can never get back . It's here and it's gone . You can't buy that back at all . And like this week with with your softball and with Cashman's baseball , like it's crazy .
We don't really see each other .
No . When the sun goes down no .
Until it's time to go to bed .
Yes , and we're kind of beat and we're , we're , we're figuring all this out , we're we're , you know , making , making it work and figuring it all out , but prioritizing that time that we do have together .
That , hey , if we're both not doing anything , we're not going to say , okay , well , you're going to go over , you're going to do your own thing , I'm going to go do my own thing , and that's going to be .
We're going to sit on the opposite sides of the couch or different pieces of furniture that we're not able to even touch each other if we just lean over , you know .
Mm-hmm .
No , but okay . So when you were talking about the person just laying in bed , maybe they're too tired , they don't want to ? Oh , I just don't feel like it and then they spend hours on whatever app that they're searching through Great example just came through my mind .
You know , when you go through , like a checkout at the grocery store or wherever you may be , Now let's clarify this Is it real checkout or is it now self-checkout ?
With a person , with a human being who actually does it If a human being is working .
I'm going through that line .
Yes , I am most sorry .
I hate going to the one Walmart here because there are no people that check
¶ Intimacy and Communication in Relationships
you out . No , strictly self-checkout .
And what makes me so frustrated ? Boy , we're off topic here , but that's okay . What makes me so frustrated is when you go through the self-checkout line and you scan something , you have to have something , and then you gotta have someone come over and they get the car and they gotta enter yes . I mean come on , oh , what's the ?
Point Well , come on , anyways , anyways .
So you .
You're checking out .
With a human as the person that's going beep , beep .
You have any coupons ?
No , not that person .
You're gonna write a check .
Listen to powers . You know I did not just get off topic on purpose . The oh probably did .
But when you're going through this line and the person sometimes they don't ever say anything to you , but even when you are maybe ordering food , even if it's a fast food restaurant , when you are on the phone , you as the person that is checking out , not the person that's going beep beep . It is so annoying .
Not only is it annoying , that is so disrespectful .
Exactly so . It's equivalent to the person who you're sleeping in the same bed with beside , but you're too tired to have anything to do with . But let me scroll through the screen and see what I can get . No different than talking on the phone while you're trying to check out . It is rude . Or when you're trying to order food . Hold on , let me get .
What did you say ? Oh my gosh , what about this ? The person doesn't know if you're talking to the person on the phone or them .
It's so annoying as a receptionist if I am at a doctor's office and I am doing the check out there , if the phone rings and that receptionist picks up the phone and continues the conversation with the person on the phone , I just leave . They've obviously not been trained very well , absolutely , excuse me . Hold on just one second .
Blah , blah , blah , blah , please hold . And then you continue with the person in front of you . The person in front of you is always more important than what is on the other end of that phone .
That's a great comparison because you're dead on One . It's incredibly annoying , but it is so awful and disrespectful , especially when it's your spouse . Like , if I'm in line at the grocery store , it's a quick like . I'll get off the phone with you in a second hey .
I'm checking out . We gotta get out .
Hey , I'm about to check out . I'll talk to you later . I'll call you as soon as I'm done . I would never do that because I find it so disrespectful , because what you're saying is just what you . This is way more important than you are .
Another one that really chaps my you know what . When you are having a conversation not with just you this could go across the board with anyone who has a phone .
If me and you are having a conversation and you are texting away or doing something on your phone , when we started the conversation eye to eye , but then you go down to your phone , that tells me all I need to know .
I have started randomly saying stupid things just to make sure the person that's going to their phone who was in full conversation with me , but whoever is sending something on the other end seems to be way more important than the face-to-face conversation that we're having .
I've been , I've started saying stupid things just to see if they're paying attention or not , because they're uh-huh oh yeah , uh-huh Knowing they have zero clue what you said .
I could not agree with you more . The only time it is okay to pick up the phone when you're talking to somebody if it's because oh yeah , I need to send you this , or hey , I mean , I need to show you this , or anything like that . I could not agree more .
When you're having a conversation with someone , they have their phone out and they're just uh-huh , yep , I would say no , I just walk away .
I've just got zero reasons to hang up .
Clearly you have no interest in having a conversation with me . Clearly I'm not near as important as what's going on on your phone , on this little screen someone that may not even be real on the other side .
Oh , it's usually fake no doubt I mean .
look up , you got a human being standing right in front of you who wants to have a conversation with you . Put your freaking phone away .
Yes , buy phone .
Put the phone down .
Or if something , if it happens to make a noise . Most of the time everything's silent . Now , but you could say excuse me just a second , I need to take this , perfectly fine .
It is , it's but come back to the conversation . It's as simple as that . It really is . And it's the phone thing is . It drives me crazy . So that is not prioritizing your time together at all . Listen , time is so precious . We spend it on these phones all the time . Just takes away from your spouse . So prioritize it . Be intentional about it .
Like , hey , we have 30 minutes together before the kids come in from outside , that could definitely be it . But hey , we got half an hour , let's finish this show together . Hey , we got 15 minutes , let's do this together . Anything to be intentional about spending that time with one another . So that's another huge way to increase intimacy .
Fourth one spice things up in the bedroom . It is a part of it , I know . Spice things up a little bit .
That's kitchen .
Now let's say listen to the sex menu , Listen to the test kitchen , because Didn't we do ?
one of those one of these things that we're doing right now on .
We did a whole episode on the test kitchen and the sex menu . Go back and listen to that . But don't be afraid to spice things up at all . No , it's needed because you'll get bored Doing the same old thing time and time and time again . And this is the get . It All goes back to communication and being able to have good communication with each other .
There's something weird you wanna try Show your spouse ? Ha ha ha ha . Just saying I am of the belief that , as long as it is not harming you , your spouse or your relationship , make it happen , like Gloria Estefan .
Ha ha ha ha , I like it powers .
Make it happen . Don't harm yourself , don't harm your spouse , don't bring another human being in cause . That's a terrible idea .
Not part of the test kitchen ever .
Anything else should be on the table and your spouse should be able to say , okay , like seriously , you could come to me with anything that doesn't kind of hit those three things . And even if I think like you might look at me really stupid I may , and I may think what in the world is going on in that brain , but you know what ? Okay .
All right , if you like it .
Well , we'll give this a shot , We'll give it at least one run and we'll say you can knock it until you try . That's right , Cause it may come out and say this sucker is off the test kitchen . We're putting this the main course . This is unbelievable .
Oh my God , I feel like I'm sitting . We're setting our son up for failure because we make him try everything we did and he's always . I'm a trier mom , I'm a try .
Or maybe we're setting up , setting them up for some success later on in life . I don't know .
I don't even want to think .
I don't either . But yes , spice things up , discover new ways to explore each other together . You know , kind of re-ignite that passion that first got you together in the first place . You know , have fantasies , talk about them , work those things out again .
If it's not harming you , your spouse , and you're not bringing another human being and it's not going to harm your relationship , go for it .
Try just making out without going through with all of it , like just control .
Some control yeah .
Just make out and see oh my goodness , we need to do that more often .
Yeah , see what happens , might be .
bring back a spark that you forgot , because when maybe you were just dating , all you could do was make out and you're thinking I miss that Cause . How often do people make out anymore ? I make out with you a lot .
Yeah , exactly , and it works great . Our passion is up there . You know that flame has lit very well .
But that pilot will never go out .
No , the pilot is roaring . But be adventurous with each other . Don't do the same old , same old experience the test kitchen work on that menu , but there's nothing that you should bring to the table or be scared to bring to your table to the spouse , to your spouse , Cause they shouldn't , they shouldn't just shut it down .
Should not .
Go for it , you never know . You never know what may happen .
And the last thing , just to bring intimacy back in the marriage , the power of a small gesture , kinda how we talked about just the little notes , just those little things that many people would just seem to be insignificant this doesn't matter , nobody's going to care about this man that can do so much .
Especially for people like me who their number one love language is acts of service . Maybe you take that trash out and I'm just oh my God , that is a sexy man walking right there with that trash .
Just those things that doing that extra little thing , I mean even if it's emptying the dishwasher once the dishes are clean , without me having to tell you Not a hey , the trash needs to be taken out . Come on , somebody , help me out .
Yeah , no one's going to be interested in that .
No , but when you , for those of us who acts of service , that's your number one love language , when I don't have to tell you to , hey , can you put the dishes in the dishwasher for me , or empty them , or take out the trash , those kind of things , man , there's real sexy .
It is , it is Like last weekend when I was gone doing softball all day long , exhausted , being outside in the freezing cold weather 30 mile an hour winds . I mean , my face was chapped because of the wind alone . But when I get home from the hour or so , drive back and I was alone the whole time .
So when I get home I walk in the door and , holy cow , the house is spotless . Every single article of clothing that was dirty has now been washed and put away . The floors had been vacuumed , the dishes were done and dinner was prepared blue , my mind .
Just trying to take care Just to do that little bitty thing without me having to say , hey , while I'm gone , can you blah , blah , blah , blah blah . It was done without me having to tell you Cause .
That was not done for a selfish gain on my end . No , you know what , If I do this and this and this like she is gonna owe me . She is .
No , it was just . It was something that you don't keep score .
When it needed to be done . I'm here . Why not step up for my spouse and do this ? Why not stay ? Cause you would have done the exact same thing for me . The roles were reversed . You would have done the exact same thing . Just hey , we're here . Hey , kids , we're gonna clean things up . It's gonna take us just a couple of hours .
We're gonna do this for your mom , we're gonna do this for your dad , so they can come home , they can just rest and we can just hang out together . We don't have to worry about doing anything . And that kind of goes back to prioritizing your time , because had you come home , you'd be exhausted .
To be like , well , we need to do this House is a good practice , and you just start doing stuff and you're not spending that quality time together and that's just . It seems small , but , man , it pays off in a huge way .
Because I was able to get a shower and I literally laid on the couch in your lap .
Yes , and we just hung out , we watched TV , we had a great night .
Yeah , and that's what it's all about , because there was nothing that had to be done .
And that is a that's a great level of intimacy . That is what true intimacy is all about is just being that close in it where you want to spend every moment you can together . It's that easy .
Very easy .
So how to bring the intimacy back ? Communicate .
Stop being selfish .
Get to the root causes , prioritize your time , spice up the bedroom . Small gestures , man , it will bring it back up , I promise you .
Mm-hmm . Do we ever lose it ?
What do you mean ?
Like the spark . You know what I mean . Like most people , they have to get it back .
I mean , of course , Kind of how Stella got her groove back .
I know after having children there's a waiting period .
Yeah , I wouldn't say , I don't want to say we've ever lost the spark . Had it been dimmer before , oh yeah .
Yeah .
Yeah , absolutely , I wouldn't say it goes completely extinguished and we had to relight it or anything like that . But no , we I mean we've had to work on it at times , but no , I wouldn't say it's ever been completely lost with you .
I don't think so .
I'd say that sucker's roaring now it's like the Olympic flame that never goes out . That's how I'm going to compare it .
I like it , so You're not wrong .
Bring that intimacy back . It will pay off in a million ways , not just in the bedroom , but in so many other ways . You'll be closer , you'll be better You'll be , you'll have more
¶ Maintaining and Strengthening Relationship Spark
joy . You will notice all the benefits in it .
Absolutely .
All right , I'll see you next year Bye . See y'all next time . God , we love you , we're so thankful for what you're doing and again , this is yours , as always , this is yours , and just we pray that you just get it to the ears that need to hear it .
Whatever little thing that could come out of any of this God , just you're in control of it and we just pray that it gets to the people that it needs to get to . We love you and we're thankful for you in Jesus' name Amen .
Amen God , we love you .