Would You Want to Be Married to You? (Most Men Never Ask This) #640

Not one big betrayal , a thousand small ones , choosing work over presence , and it's something that I was super guilty of in the beginning Silence over honesty , performance over connection and , the worst part , you don't even notice that it is happening . You're doing it for them , right ? That's belief , where you're the provider . You have to make these sacrifices .

You have to do this in order to get the promotion . You have to do this so you don't lose your job . I get it , I have been there , but it's not until you look up one day and you realize that you're not in a relationship anymore .

You're living with a roommate , someone who you once loved , and actually you know what you do still love , but the connection is gone . The passion is gone . This video is for the man who's done everything right but still feels like something is wrong . If we haven't met yet , I'm Lachlan Stewart .

I ran 58 marathons in 58 days across all 50 US states and all eight states and territories of Australia , which was one of the hardest things I've ever done . But the hardest marathon I've ever run was learning how to lead from home .

Through my coaching , the podcasts that you're watching and events , I help high-performing men stop performing for others and start becoming the man they actually want to be . So I've coached hundreds of men who looked like they've done it . They've had the booming business , they've had the goals crushed .

Their life looks polished and perfect , but when the door closes they're emotionally zapped , gone . Their partner's done , waiting , their kids barely notice when they come home and deep down they know I built this life but I don't feel part

of it . It's not burnout , it's self-betrayal . One moment that really hit me recently that made me want to do this one was I was on a coaching call with a client and he'd built an empire , bought the house , created the life , but he looked me in the eye and we're doing this over Zoom right .

So when you're just looking at the screen of this bloke who is flat , he's frustrated and he's looking at me with his eyes hollow and he said I feel like a stranger in my own home . That hit me because I have never felt like that .

But it is something that I've heard multiple times from multiple men and I know the backstory of these people that I'm working with and the backstory of the life that you're living . Many of us not all of us , unfortunately , but many of us have good intention behind the things that we're doing .

Especially when you're in a marriage or you're in a long-term relationship , part of you , as a man , feels like and adopts this belief that you need to provide , and , unfortunately , providing is not just financially , it's not even , unfortunately , so that's not the right words . There . It has become more than needing to provide financially .

Not only do you need to be there and be able to support a family , and that's the role that I choose to do . Everyone's relationship and your relationship may be different , but have you had those conversations ? But I also want to be there emotionally . I want to be there physically .

I want to have time around my wife and my family , and that is something that we need to build . And every time we face a challenge in our life , blo said to me the other day . He said I'm finding it hard . How do you have the time , how do you have the money , how do you have the energy to be there for your family while still building a business ?

And I said initially it's hard . And look , I'm not sitting here saying , oh , my life's perfect , I've got things that I'm working on for sure , but every time I identify a roadblock or an opportunity for me to use something as an excuse , I know that excuse is something that I have to break through . I have to make sure that it is not a problem anymore .

So if you're finding I want to

use this other example and we'll come back If you're finding yourself in a position where you're struggling to earn money and have time and energy to be the dad that you want to be or the husband that you want to be , you need to figure out which one is the biggest roadblock . First , are you trapped by money ?

Because if it is , then you need to start thinking about how can you get more leverage ? How can you either one , earn the same amount of money you're earning and get time and energy back ? Or , two , how can you increase your earnings so that you once again can get time and energy back ? And it may mean job changes .

It may mean you need to go out and start work for yourself . It may mean that you have to start a bloody side hustle . That's how I began back in the day . Mean that you have to start a bloody side hustle . That's how I began back in the day Because you want to be in control of your finances .

My story the first thing that I needed to fix or I felt I needed to fix was my financial situation . I didn't have breathing room because of the financial pressure .

So if you find yourself in that position , sort that out , but also understand that when you are working so hard on removing financial pressure , you will more than likely be creating other problems in your life that you'll have to address at some point .

For me , I sacrificed my relationship for a long while until my wife kept saying hey , lockie , is this relationship actually important to you ? Because it doesn't feel like it is . And when you start hearing that it is , that's why I'm doing the work .

However , relationships and connections are more than just a paycheck , and that's something that's super important to consider and super important to think about . So I want to go back to that conversation I had with a client . He said he was feeling like there's two people under one roof no warmth , no connection , just quiet resentment .

And you don't want to get yourself to that point . And the reason why it hit so hard was because I had seen glimpses of it in myself staying late just to finish something , coming home flat reactive withdrawal , not giving my best self because I'd given my best self to other people .

I just started checking myself on that and it is so hard well , at least for me , I found it hard to admit that I wasn't being the best version of myself . I found it so hard that I was using these excuses that I thought were warranted , when in fact they were just complete BS around why I wasn't stepping in and trying to grow .

So it's important to continually check in on the relationship . And what do I want ? And a great question that I opened this up with was would I want to be married to me right now ? You've got to answer a yes or no to that , and you need to be honest .

Most men think that being provider is the goal , but what if I told you that providing without presence is just a polished form of abandonment , right ? Thinking that you can buy gifts and fancy things to bring back the connection is complete crap . It's why divorce rates are so high . So many people are in resentful relationships .

You just got to look around you to realize that that's not the case .

Let me break this down to , I guess , with a simple reframe the provider trap versus the partnership . One providing equals money , which is more important . Partnering equals emotional safety . Which one do you want ? Number two partnering equals building with them . Number three providing equals sacrificing . Partnering equals shared purpose .

One thing that Amy and I do really well and I'm so grateful for our marriage for this is we partner . We have a shared purpose , one where we're building a life together , but we also have separate goals that we want to support each other to achieve as well . The other thing is we're building with them , side by side .

We're talking about our financial situations , what we're investing in , what holidays we want to have , and just doing small , consistent daily deposits daily , like having dinner together . I bring her a coffee in the morning . She does nice things for me , but we're building together and we have the emotional safety .

I do feel like I can talk to her about everything . It hasn't always been that way , but I started by just developing my communication skills and being honest with myself . What am I struggling with ?

I was carrying so much financial pressure years ago and I never wanted to put that on her because I didn't want to burden her , but what I realized was that it was changing who I was . That stress was just making me come home resentful and I felt like I was alone in it .

So the moment that I opened up and shared that , she was able to , one , understand what I was experiencing , but , two , we could work together to shift our lifestyle to get back in a better financial position , and that changed a lot of things . So I want you to think about that . A marriage isn't something you build for someone , right ?

You don't build a good marriage for your wife . You build a good marriage together by getting clear on what it is that you want , setting boundaries , understanding that you are both going to grow and evolve .

And if you're continuing to grow and if your partner or wife is continuing to grow , you need to check in and you need to continue getting to know them , because when you're growing , your priorities shift , your interests shift .

So make sure you stay on top of that so that you don't find yourself where you're feeling unfulfilled or you don't feel yourself where you're feeling sorry . You don't find yourself where you feel resentful . Extremely important to think about that .

So we talk about pressure , we plan our future as teammates , we invest in each other's growth , not just our own , because success without connection it's just a fancy form of loneliness , and

most men don't crash . They rust right . It's a slow process to getting there . So if this is hitting a little close to home , that is a good thing . You don't need to start over , you need to start there . So if this is hitting a little close to home , that is a good thing . You don't need to start over . You need to start honest .

That's why I created the 15-Day man that Can Starter Kit . It's helped myself and so many men . When I went to build it , I was like what's a free resource that I can give to you guys that's going to help you daily ? Now look , you'll get an email daily how it works , and my recommendation is you read it and you follow the prompt .

The prompt is to get you thinking so that you can get an understanding and awareness around how you can improve these areas of your life . If you just read the email and you don't do it , I would say you're not going to be any better off . So make sure that you slow down enough to do it if you really want to make some change .

All I'm going to ask for in exchange is an email address and hopefully , if you get value from the 15-day course , you'll get value from my emails that are going to help give you perspectives , insights like this that can help you improve your quality of life and you can become a better version of yourself .

So all you need to do in the comments or on my social media is just comment the word 15 . Here's the truth . Your partner doesn't care how many other plants you're growing .

So whether you're growing your finances , whether you're growing your lifestyle , whether you're growing your health or your hobbies , if they're the ones wiltering in the corner , they don't give a shit . If you don't want to water it , it dies . So ask yourself would I want to be in a relationship

with me ? And if the answer is not a full body yes , then this is your wake-up call . Not time to give up your ambition , but to stop making them chase it from behind . Your life doesn't change by watching another video . It changes when you stop performing and you start becoming , so hit the subscribe button .

If this has helped , and if you want tools to start leading yourself again , make sure you check out the 15-Day Starter Kit . My name is Lachlan Stewart . No-transcript .