How To Keep Your Relationship ALIVE! #528

You know , the very first time you fell in love you knew you were in love , that passion , that excitement that I mentioned , and I'm going to give you a framework that you can use . So , if you are following along , it will be in the show description or if you , you know , I have a pen and paper .

Even better , you can start working through this now and , I guess , grading yourself in these areas around which ones you feel that if you were to improve that , it's going to improve your relationship . The second thing that we will cover as well is how to turn your relationship around .

You may have been in a long term relationship and you may feel like you're growing apart , and my biggest belief is , if you're not growing together , you definitely are growing apart , but you can save it .

And the other key point that we're going to discuss in this is why the cream rises to the top , how to be the most attractive character in your story , right in your relationship , and what I'll also share , why that's important . But my name is Lachyn Stewart For those of you who have just stumbled here , and thank you for jumping in .

If you enjoy this episode , let me know in the comments or you know on Instagram . That's my most active at Lachyn Stewart . We even suggest some episode ideas that you would love to learn more about or post your questions to , and I'd be more than happy to cover that , which is cool . So 2014 was a new chapter in my life .

I just started dating my now wife , amy , and I just come from a relationship where I was at fault in a relationship and it had broken down , and I recognize that I was a problem in a number of relationships before that .

It was very hard to do and when the relationship broke down , initially I was trying to lie and manipulate to get my way back into it and try and almost making her feel like she was at fault .

But there became a point where I was like , in order for me to have the relationship that I want one that you know , I guess , like you see on the relationship on the movies , or you have this idea in your head where you're going to feel happy , you're going to feel valued , you're going to feel like you're building something together , but I knew that I had

to accept responsibility for fault and that helped me start looking inward . So this whole new chapter of my life with Amy was an opportunity to do that , and I had an idea of things that I wanted to improve on , and I'm going to share that framework with you later .

As I mentioned , I'll share that at the end , but make sure you listen to it all rather than just jump into the end because it won't maybe won't make sense .

But within the relationship with Amy , I was very excited about having an opportunity to work on things like communication , really be faithful and focused , and , as always , we start everything with the best intentions , whether it's setting a goal , starting a new relationship , building a business .

And what happens over time is we become complacent . The reason why I was becoming complacent was because I just moved in with Amy after about seven months . Some people think that's hectic .

The reason to that backstory is I was living two hours away , so if I was going to move to Brisbane , I may as well moved in with her Made sense at the time , and here we are worked out . But anyway , fast forward .

As I started to become complacent , I noticed some bad habits that were coming back in , and when we were in Thailand on our first family holiday together that Christmas , I was nervous about being , I guess , spending a lot of time around her family , but I was also excited . I was . It felt like the relationship was going really well .

I was proven to myself that I was making changes . Some of those changes were I wasn't messaging other women . I wasn't liking their stuff on social media . You know I was 20 , 23 at the time boys , before you go , what is he doing that for ? And I was really quite proud of myself . I'd also had my drinking under wraps .

One thing that I really was challenged with was when I started to drink . It really amplified my insecurities and amplified my jealousy and I guess it really amplified some bad habits because I wasn't in control . So the standards that I was trying to build that I guess weren't yet habitual disappeared and I was in Thailand . We went to the bar one day .

I went to the bar with George , amy's brother , and the girls went shopping , and by the time they came back . I was obliterated , and so Amy wasn't very happy about that , which understandably so , because , as I mentioned , when I drink I say dumb stuff , etc .

Anyway , we were in the cab on the way home and I was just being obnoxious and rude and anyway she kicked me out in front of her family in the middle of Thailand and I was thinking to myself and to kick down . I was so embarrassed that this had happened again .

I was then thinking I can't show my face , I'm not ready to take responsibility for this , especially in front of a family who I don't really know yet . And then the next thought was how am I going to afford to fly home ? I'd spent most of my savings to book the return flight . I can't afford to get it changed . So what do I do ?

And I was very fortunate we were in this villa that I couldn't fly back because it made me face responsibility . And this was one of those moments in my life where I recognized that the hard conversations generally deliver the best outcomes . We try to avoid what's hard in life because it is uncomfortable , but that is where the most growth is .

And this really highlighted to that to me , because when I woke up that morning I opened the sliding doors out to our pool and I was like , okay , I've got to go find Amy and have a conversation with her . She was in there with her family at the dinner table . My heart sunk because , as I mentioned , I was so embarrassed .

But I went in there , said good morning , apologized and then asked Amy to come outside for a conversation . And it was one of the hardest conversations I'd ever had to have because I knew that I'd broken her trust .

I knew that she was disappointed , I was embarrassed and it wasn't really having her , I guess , leaving her with much faith in our relationship because she knew what I was like previously and how I'd been acting and everything like that .

So I had to say sorry , like many of us do , but I had to mean it and my words didn't mean too much in that point in time . But I was very lucky that she was willing to give me another chance and from that moment I had accepted , I'd faced fears and I really started to believe in myself .

So if I can have that tough conversation and if Amy's prepared to stand beside me , I'm with the right lady . I just need to step up and I recognise once again , alcohol was a bit of an issue , so I had to find a way to remove that and that became the focus how do I cut alcohol out of my life ?

Because I know that without alcohol I'll be able to really maintain and develop these new standards that I have until they become habitual .

Because , as I mentioned , if they're not habits , if they aren't a part of who you are , they aren't attached to your identity , it's very easy to slip and I've seen far too many men who joined into our academy come to us when their relationships were already shot and I'm like , man , you should have come so much earlier .

But most people won't , I guess , take action until things are extremely bad , much like myself . And that's why I continue to do these podcasts and we have our academy , because I want to help men get invested in being the best version of themselves before stuff's fallen apart so fast forward .

You know , after that I was very fortunate , a good mate of mine , andy Ritchie , who I'd met maybe a couple of months after meeting Amy . He was in a happily married relationship and he'd been with his wife for 25 years and he was a bit older , but a great mentor , someone that I needed in my life at that time and he took me under his wing .

We travelled to Sydney , brisbane , melbourne , and we were in network marketing together . But what I really loved about his company was he had the utmost respect for his wife and he wouldn't you know when we'd go on these business trips , wouldn't entertain any other ladies or anything like that .

He was committed to her and also committed to our friendship , and that's when I started realising that the importance of the people that you surround yourself with . Up until that point , I was hanging out with people who almost validated the bad behaviour , whether it was getting extremely intoxicated , whether it was messaging other women .

And when those behaviours are validated , you want to do more of it . You want to feel accepted , you want to fit in . So , as much as I disagreed with it and I wanted to change it , it was going to be very hard for me to do that , and so that brought me to understanding . Alright , I know that I need to remove that whole .

Secondly , I need to start hanging out with people who have the relationship that I want . What is it that I value in the relationship ? Well , I want to feel accepted .

I want to not have jealousy , I don't want to be insecure about it , which meant I had to stop projecting those behaviours on myself on to Amy , and by being around Andy I could really watch how he thought , act and behaved about his relationship and other things , and that started rubbing off on me .

The more time I spent around him , the more committed I became to my relationship , and I then started almost talking in the way that he was talking . I started thinking in the way that he was thinking . That was my aha moment .

Prior to that , I almost got to a point where I thought I was a liar , cheater and manipulator , because that's what I've been hanging around and that's how I've been acting . I now started to recognise the influence of the environment .

I could take the best bits of people that I admired and I could bring that into myself to create who I wanted to be as a man and as a partner . And it's something that many people don't ever think about , which means they don't have the opportunity to learn it and it sure as hell does not get taught at school .

But this was the framework that I developed and I want to share it with you guys before I jump into the next two pieces , so you can find this in the show notes if you want to and , as I mentioned , just work on this yourself .

We do go through this in the academy , so if you would love a bit more hand of a hand with this or understanding it in more detail than we can go into on the podcast , apply to be a member in our academy program , which is also in the show notes . But the first thing I understood and I accepted was you need to work on yourself .

If you become the best version of yourself and are working towards the best version of yourself , you're going to be a much better partner because you're going to be more emotionally aware .

You're going to learn to communicate better which is point two we'll talk about and you'll feel more confident , which will help you remove the insecurities and the jealousy which I know people struggle with . So that first thing is first is working on yourself , and I won't go into how you can start doing that , but everyone needs to do it .

It's a life on journey , right mastery . The second one is communicate One . You need to learn how to articulate what you mean so you want , your needs , your desires , your frustrations , your goals or ambitions , because if you one don't understand what they are for you , how do you expect to communicate that with your partner ?

And when you start doing that for yourself , then the conversation then becomes about what are your partners wants , needs , desires , frustrations , goals , ambitions , etc . Which , when you're communicating about those things , the relationships are only going to improve . Okay , so that's .

Point two is you've got to have continuing sorry , continue to learn on about communication . And one thing that I'll give you guys just now if you would love a task to take , take away from this episode start videoing yourself .

You can do Facebook lives or you can just film yourself and choose a topic or choose a subject that you would like to discuss , whether it's a conversation , you know you need to have right and then watch it back because you're going to give yourself feedback . It's really hard to do . When I first started doing it , I hated it .

I was cringing even when I listened back to the very first podcast Wow , cringe . But it will give you feedback around specific things that you could work on , or how you could change the way that you use your voice , the things that you say to better get your message across .

So let me know how you go with that comment in sharing the comments , or send me a message .

The third thing is common goals , but also individual goals . Too many couples and I said this earlier if you're not growing together , you're growing apart , but they take that to literally to the point where they sacrifice all the other hobbies and interests and friendships they had prior to the relationship beginning .

It's extremely healthy for you to have your own goals and social circles outside of the relationship . It's what then brings curiosity and interest to the relationship . It's like how is your day today ? Because you won't hang out with me . I don't know you're ever moved , so we've got to keep dating . People forget that . They forget that you know .

Ideally , you shouldn't be the same person today that you were 10 years ago . If you are , you once again need to join the academy because you should be growing , but as a result of that , it means you need to keep dating . You need to keep understanding what your partner's wants . Needs . Desires are Number four . Try new things together Date .

It's very easy in a relationship to stop doing new things because you want to eat at the same restaurants , you want to drink the same wines , you want to go to the same holiday location , which look , that's nice , but there's something fun about doing an activity or an experience that just doesn't go to plan . They're the ones that you look back and laugh at .

So make sure you find time and space to try new things together . And finally , fifth . So fifth and final , intimacy . You need to work out what your wants , needs , desires are , and , I guess , keep that as a priority within a relationship , because if you stop prioritizing that your relationship you end up just becoming housemates , become friends and I get it .

Life gets busy , things happen , you don't feel as confident in your body , so you're stressed , you don't know how to instigate it , you get sick of getting rejected . There's so much stuff , but if you don't prioritize that , your relationship will lose its passion , it will lose its spark .

So that is something , once again , not going to go into too much detail how you can work on that , but it's something that you need to prioritize if you want to continue maintaining a passionate relationship . So we'll recap that for you and then we'll continue on to these next parts . Firstly , work on yourself . Secondly , communicate .

Thirdly , have common goals and also separate goals . Fourth , try new things together . Fifth , get into it . So my relationship still feels energized and passionate . Yes , we have our , our seasons , but they're not long because we both know what we want together and we're both very aware on how we fill our own cups so that we give the most to our relationship .

Now skip that one . I feel like I've done a good job of covering that Second . Number two cream rises to the crop . So how to stand out and have your partner appreciate you .

I remember hearing a story where a lady was starting to wasn't really appreciating her husband and they were going for a date one night and when he rocked up a restaurant he was a few moments behind her .

He noticed all the heads turning about the other women to look at and appreciate him and she'd recognize that the habits that he had were miles above what many other men have . But because that was what she'd been used to dating , she took it for granted . Okay , and this could work in both ways . We all take things for granted .

As I said , you do anything consistently enough of you're around anyone consistently enough , you'll take it for granted . So when you work out how you can stand above the rest , it comes back to this you become a good partner by being a good man .

In my opinion , what are those standards and habits that you need that separate you from the rest that your partner appreciates , because don't stop that .

For me , it's exercise , it's my own growth , it's building a business , it's having great mates , it's having standards around what I will and won't do , and I know that Amy appreciates that about me and it also has me rising above the rest because , once again , so many people listen to this show and they want to learn the things that separate them so their

relationships don't break down , so they can earn more money , so they can be around better people . Okay , and there the standards that I maintain on a daily basis , the standards that we uphold in the academy . Okay , there the standards that you can adopt to if it's what you really want .

But understand that cream rises to the crop , to the top , and if you want to be the , I guess , have the most incredible relationship , you got to be committed to getting to the top . The last point we'll touch on before we wrap it up is how to turn it around .

So I want to do a little bit at the end here , just for those who do , who are in a relationship that do you still value , but you feel like it may be too far gone . As I mentioned , amy kicks me out of the cab . Okay , that's when it could almost be over and there's no really just words that you can say that will have . It kicks in an instant .

It's an action and , once again , it's how you're going to continue to show up .

So I would firstly address the elephant in the room and I would ask how your partner's been feeling about the relationship and just mention hey , this is how I've been feeling and one thing that I am committed to doing is making you feel extremely valued and bringing the passion back to our relationship like when we first started . I understand life's gotten busy .

I understand I have dropped the ball a little bit , but I'm committed to getting back there .

I know these words won't mean much , but the actions that will follow will prove to you that I'm committed and obviously , as a result , you want to have an idea of things that you want to do and I guess what I gave you before the framework , those five steps that you can find in the show notes will be a very good starting point to help you start living

that , to get your relationship to turn back around . So , if you've gotten value from this episode , once again interact with me in the comments . Head over to Instagram . Comment on a few of the reels , the bits that you shared , or even just leave the show or the channels follow and the rating and review .

My name is Lachlan Stewart and , as always , do something today to be better for tomorrow , and we release episodes every Monday , 5am Central Time , so in the US , and every Thursday , 5am Central Time . We'll see you next week .