Create an inspired life w Lewis Huckstep #543

And I say , okay , I'm going to give you a billion dollars right now I don't have a billion dollars but say , I gave you a billion dollars and you had nothing on your calendar , would you just sit on your couch and do nothing all day ? Most people are going to say no and then you say okay , well , what would you do ?

Um , you obviously came on line and had an epic conversation , so my pleasure to be here . Thanks for having me .

But before we dive into stuff around relationships , because I was going through your content and I'm like , what have we not covered on the podcast in a long while ?

And you know where's , I guess , a great area from your expertise that we can dive into and obviously your goal is to help people live inspired lives and you know mindset coaching and a lot of the framers you do . But you've really got a unique knack of breaking down relationship stuff . So I'd love to dive into that shortly .

But before we got to that point , you are an incredible entrepreneur . You started in the fitness industry at 18 , bought your first gym at 20 , I think , or somewhere around there , and then went on to purchase a couple more .

So can you give us a bit of a background , lewis , around your first , what drew you to the fitness industry , and then entrepreneurship and business owning ?

But I uh sports background rugby league , I think we had a bit of conversation about that uh , off air once , and love sport and I had a teacher . I really struggled at school so I was very slow learner , hence why you , you teach the way that you learn .

So that's why I break things down , cause if you ever had a kid in class who always was asking , why , why , why I don't , I don't understand . Can you explain it again ? That was me , and I was in the learning disabled classes .

My handwriting , uh , I was the last kid in my whole grade to get my pen license back at school and I did that , the pen license . Uh pen license , yeah , by real licenses , I think the name they use back then . So , um , yeah , so I really struggled with with learning .

Uh , it was like , once , I understand it , I understand it , but it was just , I was just slow to understand it . So , with that being said , I had a real I had .

I went to a big sporting school on the Gold Coast uh , pvc , for any PVC reds out there Listen to this and they're big sporting school and I , I love rugby league and that was my outlet and I loved .

I didn't know what I wanted to do , uh , but I had a really awesome teacher who , a couple of awesome teachers that really changed my life at that school Uh , mcmannam and Zimo , if they ever hear this and they just really changed my life . They , they mentored me .

Uh , we , we struggled a lot financially growing up so we didn't have money for mentors or tutorers and stuff like that , and I they just they were just like another father figure for me and they would meet me before school , train me like um , physically , train me for sports , but also Muay Thai , for self-defense reasons , cause it was quite a tough school that

we went to Um and , yeah , to help me with my studies . And they just did all this , and they did it for free . I just said hey , meet me at school at this time , at whatever six am in the morning , and I'll I'll look after you , but if you don't come , then we're not going to do it .

So , yeah , that really changed my life and I wanted to give that back to others . So I wanted to be a high school teacher and a personal trainer , cause I like training . That was kind of the goals . And I started the fitness side of that . So I applied to all these gyms . They all said no , so you got no experience , we don't want you .

And I was like how do you get any ? Like I'm just trying to get started ? And then I remember I called off gumtree and just saw this place it was called PLC and I called him up and said hey , mate , I don't want any money . Can I just come work for free and get some work experience ? And he said yep , absolutely , come on down .

And that started the fitness journey . I did not know it was going to end up with the way it ended up . And , yeah , I went down . I ended up working for free for two and a half years and I didn't even just work for free . I paid for it , paid for it . He , um , the cheeky bastard charged me a gym membership .

So I paid for a job and for anyone that knows me well and has watched my journey , it wasn't like , oh , a couple of hours here and there I was like full time and more than full time .

It was like I was running the damn thing and I got a great opportunity at the end of it to purchase half of the business , um , when I was 20 , so that's what you're referring to before . So I purchased half of the first one , uh , when I was 20 .

And then and this is very naive , like they talk about in in the business journey , you've got the uninformed optimist where , like this is going to be epic , this will be sick , let's do it again , let's go again .

And I remember , like a week into purchasing the first one , my business partner at the time says let's do another one and he's like let's , let's go . And I was like uninformed . I was like , yeah , why not , let's go . And then , literally the next week , we're looking for leases , to sign a lease .

And we signed a lease within a couple of months and then we started to improve sales , open up the second one . I remember I got the keys to it on my 21st birthday . So I met the landlord , got the keys for it and little so literally go into my 21st celebration that night . So that's a good memory .

And then it and within this a lot of failures , a lot of mistakes , a lot of like fuck ups , a lot of learnings , obviously a lot of successes as well . And it's got to a point where I actually hired myself out of the business . So I had two gyms running without me .

And then my another business partner , also the same business partner , he'd opened another one and he he wasn't running it properly . He thought it was just like hire it sorry , open it higher . One person , they'll just build it for you . But the person was the wrong person . Not enough systems , processes in place , and we're on a ski trip and what not to do ?

We were , we were , we were actually high , smoking , smoking some stuff , playing monopoly , and we're like , having a good time is like , bro , I don't want to build this gym , you've done it before . Do you want to take this gym off my hands ? And I said , all right , yeah , why not ? Let's go do it . And I said and I was just the yes man .

I was just like , and a lot of this was people pleasing , and there was like , um , like me , yeah , being a people pleaser and compensating for some stuff , and I said yes to it and literally the day I got back , got off the plane , drove to the studio , a trainer had picked me up and said oh hey , I've heard some rumors Apparently like the manager's sleeping

with one of the members , and the manager was like 45 years old , married , and this client was like 18 years old . I had the conversation with him . It was true , had to fire him day one . Then to the other two trainers , they told me they were leaving in a month .

So I literally got there , all the team was gone within two weeks and the business was losing about $3,000 a week . And because I was so , I guess , naive still and I just lack the self-worth to say , hey , I'm out of this deal , this deal shit , this deal doesn't make sense , I just said , okay , fuck it .

I said , yes , I'm a man of my word , I'll make it happen . And then I just grinded my way through that and made that happen and along along the way , I hit some but it's some heads of the business partner . He was going left , I was going right .

I ended up just giving one of the businesses to him because it was just not worth my time and wasn't worth it to me . I was too stressful for me . Went through COVID with two gyms Very fun , very challenging . Imagine how that was . That was . That was another interesting period and this whole time .

So the gym was a franchise , I was a franchisee and the whole franchise where bankrupt . So the whole franchise shut down and so I was in a bit of a like , a bit of a weird position where I could have kept going with the gyms . I had another business partner and another one . She was trying to sue the franchise .

So it was a bit it was a big shit show . Towards the end of it and yeah , I had that opportunity say , should I , should I go again ? Should I just jump back in and build this up ? I've done it before and I've been doing it for about sort of seven years . By this time .

But along that journey I got a lot clearer on who I was , like my purpose , my vision , my values , what I'm here to do , and like what really really lights me up and what really means the most to me . But because when I got started and when most people get started , they don't know what they truly want .

They most entrepreneurs want to make money , they want freedom , they want impact , they want to support their family and all that stuff . But most people , even to this day , don't know what their purpose is . And that's one of the first things I teach with my stuff . I teach now and within that period .

Once I sold the first one or it got really the first one during that sort of covid period , even went deeper , but it was a little bit before that where it's like I love coaching people , I love healing people , I love the mental , emotional , spiritual transformation that I can do for others and helping people integrate the spiritual and the commercial together .

Because I kind of got those two skill sets and I love doing that . And , yeah , I just got . I made a decision , I think it was like 2021 or 2022 . It was like I will do whatever it takes to get to a place where I get to live out my purpose and give this back to others .

And that's where I sold the second one , because that's when I was like , should I just pick it up , run it again ? I got this asset . It's already open . It's kind of breaking even . I could build this up , hire someone , get out of there . I'm like that's another six months and then something else could happen and I could just kick the can down the road .

So I was like , nah , I'm going to sell it . So I sold it back , didn't get a ton of money from it . Got like 50 grand from it , so not a ton of money for what it was worth .

And then I had my third one which was just me . That was the business where I was the only director there . I wasn't a director , I was . I had a business partner at the other two . So I was the only business owner here and I had hired myself out of it and I had a , a busy gym running without me .

I was doing about an hour a week there with the manager there and it was profiting about sort of two to four thousand bucks a week , depending on the week . And then I had all the time and freedom to do this and to build this up . And I've been doing this full time for about about two and a half years now .

I was kind of doing it on the side , like someone would come down for a nutrition consult and would end up unpacking all their traumas and shit during any . That was pretty fun . I remember there was one once specifically , she came down for a literally also first day .

So I just met this woman and she's a beautiful woman and she was just so you could I'm I've kind of got that six cents of when someone's not okay , it's like very empath , if you want to use that word and she came down and she was just like one of my , my greater gifts is helping people feel safe and helping them to open up and it's just something that

comes comes with me . And , yeah , she came down for I think it was like a nutrition calories , protein , macros which obviously you understand pretty well and she ended up unpacking something . Her husband had committed suicide a couple months late earlier and we actually healed the whole thing .

Like I've got a process that I used to heal it all and we did that and like she was like in tears . She signed up . Yeah , she did sign up . Yeah , I feel like this is a good gym , so I just loved it because , like for me , like the , the , the skills Tony Robbins so many people say it like success in life is 80% psychology , 20% skills .

The skills are easy , like how to be fit and healthy . You know this . Train hard . Yeah , decent food , don't eat macros every day . Get some good sleep , drink some water . It's not that complicated . But and my business ?

Obviously there's more facets to business but have a good product , tell people about your product , give them a great experience and do that for a long period of time . Learn how to learn all skills on that . Learn how to hire people . Like the skills are quite simple , but it's generally our mental and emotional blocks that stop us .

The I'm not enough , I'm not worthy , I can't do this , our triggers , which we were talking about before . And that's just what fascinates me and that's what really inspires me . It's what really gets me going . So , yeah , it was . I think it was an inevitable place I would get to and I'm grateful that I'm there now . So I do that every day now .

So I wake up . My calendar is normally pretty free . It's either coaching people I've got a couple of one , one clients only work with a couple and then I build . I'm building a community at the moment and build . I built programs . I obviously have my own podcast .

I'm writing a book and , yeah , it's just to help people heal , help people expand their own awareness and consciousness and create a life that they love .

But the first one I know a lot of people sit on the fence with going all in and you mentioned 80% psychology and 20% skill sets and I believe making money , business , health , even relationships , are very simple If we understand the processes . It's the psychological stuff that's the hardest stuff , you know jealousy , the self doubt , etc . Going .

You know you obviously had a successful gym , even the last one , when it was by itself profiting two to $4,000 a week . That would have been very easy for many people to sit on . But for you to want to go all in on what you know to be your purpose , how did you come to that decision ?

And I guess the second question that is why did you feel so comfortable going all in ?

And if you just follow those lines of questions you're going to the your answers are going to be things that inspire you , because we have this motivation , which is the extrinsic drivers , like the pain , pleasure type of thing .

And then there's the intrinsic drivers and for most people when they start I had this question I did a little masterclass for a community the other day . It was on discipline and I use the same quote . It's like some people think I'm disciplined . I don't think I'm that disciplined , I just do things I want to do like it .

Funny that it's like is Roger Federer disciplined at playing tennis or he just he loves it ? Obviously there's parts of that is disciplined , but it's like he's not trying to do shit he doesn't love . He clearly loves what he said . He's done that for such a long period of time . So for me it's like I was going to do it anyways .

It's like I could just sit on that , but I'm not just going to go play my I love . I'm a little nerd at heart . So I played Mario Kart with my partner last night and we play games kind of once or twice a week , but it's like I'm not just going to do that all day and I get bored . It's like , well , what , what lights me up , what really fulfills me ?

And then this is where I sort of have a tiered structure where I go through with people . We start with values . What really ? Who in trends , what , what intrinsically lights you up ? So that's family , health , wealth , relationships , music , dancing , coaching . For me , that's my highest value . Where do they come from ? So you avoid , so you avoid to create values .

This is where pain , purpose , wounds , wisdom and that's where the balance comes from . And then your highest your purpose in life is an expression of your biggest core wound . Once you've healed the wound , I'll say that again , I'll explain what I just said . So your purpose , your highest purpose in life , is an expression of your greatest core wound , once healed .

So for me , my greatest core wound was I was very hurt , scared and lost . So I was diagnosed with autism , asperges , adhd when I was younger and I really struggled . I got . I cried a lot as a kid .

I was very emotionally volatile upbringing with my dad especially like punching holes through walls , screaming at my mom and dad sorry , my mom , my sister , my brother literally petrified and very scared . And he's a very , very beautiful man . He's obviously got his stuff that is working through and we've grown and healed a lot together .

But that was my greatest core wound and this is where I sort of lean into the trauma side of things of life when you get people . I ran my first live event on a week ago , actually a week ago . We kicked that off . Congrats , man and thank you , mate . It was so fun , so fun .

Can't wait to run more of them and we actually did purpose and it was really cool just to see so many people . Because that's what lights me up the most is when you ask that question . It's like , well , what's your greatest core wound ? That's a pretty brutal question to ask , not brutal .

It can be a hard question for people to answer because the ego wants to avoid pain . So this is why it takes a bit of time to meditate and journal and work through this process . But when you think about that . You're essentially asking yourself what's your biggest trauma ? That's essentially what you're asking . It may be different , but it can be the same .

It might have been like you were . You weren't enough for your parents , like you weren't . Being who you were authentically wasn't enough . You had to be someone else . So maybe your purpose because you want to feel that once you , how you can , could express it is to help other people love themselves for who they are authentically . That may be it .

Maybe your biggest call wound I just put to Georgia about it yesterday is a four year anniversary yesterday and we went out to dinner for it and I kind of talk about the show . I said I , babe , can you refresh me what your purpose again and I knew what it was , I just want to hear it again from her and hers is to create a stable family .

A stable family . That was hers . I said what's the cool wound , what I came from ? And she got a bit emotional do it ? Because obviously this is where the drive comes from . And she's like I just had such an emotionally volatile family household . Her dad was in jail , her mom was very like she , her mom had her when she was like 18 .

It was just a very unstable household . And if you think about the emotion that's tied to that memory or tied to that experience , it's it can be quite high , like highly emotional , your anxious , stress , angry or whatever the emotion is attached to it .

If you're familiar with the term transmutation it's in the book think you're rich sexual transmutation where you essentially use your sexual energy for anything besides the act of . When you transmute that energy of pain , of anger or frustration or whatever the pain was , and transmute that into action , you don't need a fucking coffee , you don't need motivation .

Hence the quote I said before . The need for motivation is a symptom of an uninspired goal . When I think of and feel who I was back then when I was hurt , scared , lost , I don't need motivation , I don't need like a . I'm too scared to post a fucking video .

It's like it doesn't even pop up because I've got that drive very cliche when the wise , big enough to how is easy . That's kind of the actual implementation of that . And yeah , like I said in the in the crowd with everyone I said who here feels a lot of emotion doing this right now ? Feel into that .

Do you need a fucking coffee to take action , to do something about it and everyone laughed and had a bit of a smile . But that's how I think back to your original question is like why did I not just sit on the gym and keep going to it ? It's because I fucking want to , because it drives me , so , fuck , I want to help me

back . Then there's another quote that sort of comes to mind is you become the person you needed when you're actually lowest ? Like I know , we spoke a little bit about your journey .

I would assume that you had pain around healthy , masculine or in your life , whether it's your father or your upbringing and you would be becoming the man or the role model or the person that you needed when you were at your lowest . And does that align with you as well ?

One thing I've noticed with people is they may see someone walk apart , for example dudes .

They may see a bloke walk , pass them on the beach with a fully jacked and they're like Monday and start at the gym , whereas for me , if I saw that and got this little bit of motivation or inspiration , I'd roll over and do 10 push ups and just get something going now , because the longer I leave it between the decision to act , the less likely I'm going to

do it .

If you think about , like most people , it's like they get an idea , is like I'll get this done by the end of the week , but if all the end of the day , I'm going to get this done the next 20 minutes . Obviously you got a plan and structure and priorities , but yeah , I love that and I'm a big fan of that as well .

I think it's very important because I just waste a lot of time when I was younger and then I guess things that we've touched on at the beginning , like self doubt , would creep in and you'd start , you know , the moment you start doubting yourself , I was looking for ways to validate that doubt and then I definitely wouldn't take any action and once again I'd be

sitting in the same position . So for anyone listening , that's a good tip .

So listening , obviously , to what Lewis said around understanding the motivation behind things and just really looking at the quality of your life and finding , even for me , like I think we spoke about this on your podcast , actually when I was saying my psychologist I still hold on to a lot of pain .

Don't necessarily hold on to it in a poor way , but I look back at it from where I came from as a reason why I still get out of bed Now every day , even though I love what I do on a daily basis of it , part of it's like I don't want to go back there and I feel like it's healthy because it just keeps me going , and I love that element .

And the other thing that you mentioned from your story that I find fascinating , especially at such a young age , was you came back and you had to fire a staff member straight away and you had to go into having a tough conversation . Where did you develop the skill to have those conversations and what made you feel comfortable doing that ?

Because people avoid that all the time now .

Just to give a live example , my second studio so the one that I got when I was 21 I think it was about 12 months into it and because I was very like , very much , I'll do it myself at the start and obviously then you evolve and you learn how to hire people and delegate and empower people .

But yeah , we got to a point where we're profitable , we're making a little bit of money , and we had a team member in there and she just wasn't the right fit .

Like her attitude is quite negative and it's like I obviously try to coach my clients , my team , and sometimes I try to over coach them and try to turn water into wine sometimes and she just was the wrong person and I'm very guilty of seeing the best in others .

It's like I can see the potential because , like , if I was in your shoes is what I would do and you can do this , you're capable of this . But it's like some people are addicted to their problems and if you fight for your limitations , you get to get them . Listen to what I just said and anyway , so she was the wrong decision .

Like if I asked my heart is she the right person for the decision of the team ? No , she's not . Her numbers reflect that , other people reflect that , the clients reflect that and I was too scared to fire her .

I was too scared and I think it took my business partner who this is something he was very good at , as well as just being really cutthroat and just very like mate like it's mate you're going to fuck this business by keeping her here . So it is the cancer in the body . You got to cut the arm off to save the body .

But the way I look at it now and what helped me sort of reframe things and understand things , it's in . This can tie into relationships as well .

If you know in your heart of hearts that this person is the wrong Person for the role , for the relationship , for the position that they're in , does that mean that they are the right person for a position elsewhere ? Absolutely . It's like if you're dating someone , they're wrong fit for you . That just means to the right fit for someone else .

So every second that you do not cut them off , have the tough conversation or do what you need to do , you're actually taken away from them finding and being in the place they're meant to be . So it's actually very selfish of you by holding on to them and that reframe really helped me . That really really helped me .

And I remember the first conversation I that that's conversation I'm referring to I cried for her . It was fucking hard . I was crying . It was very hard as I was like she's got kids , she's got a partner , she's got bills to pay , she's got rent . It's like it was fucking hard for me and it's like always the first , the first monster that you slay is .

It obviously gives you the reference and the skill and the experience to then slay a bigger monsters .

But made it still that was still challenging for me for about , I think , two years of doing that one more time when I had the third one and I the business was losing about three thousand bucks a week , which is a lot of money , and I I Prematurely hide someone because I had a bit of , I had a fair bit of money saved up from the other two .

I was very much like live off like bare minimum and just put all in a safety bucket because that's just I'm very risk-adversed and I had about 120 grand in the in the bank and I said three grand a week , that's right , I'll build this up in time , she'll be right . And then I hide someone to help me out with it , to speed it up , keep going .

And it's like , literally , and I was just going down , like it's going down to 100 , to 80 , to 60 and whatever , and it's like and I knew this person was the wrong person and I literally waited because I was the only business owner there so I didn't have my business partners would give me that healthy pressure .

And I remember I only fired him because I I was like I need a reason to fire . He's a good guy , he's he just moved to the Gold Coast , he's got another kid , he's got a partner . It's like , oh my god , he's gonna be out on his own and I want to look after him . But it's like he wasn't performing . His numbers didn't make sense .

His attitude wasn't amazing . He was actually a really good guy . I think it was a good culture fit , but he just wasn't getting the job done . And it's like I waited until I had like I think it was like 2000 , the business was kind of breaking even then but it was like I waited until I Physically had no money to .

It's like I had to fire him or the business wouldn't have enough money to run , and that was like the reason I brought into the conversation and that was like five years into my journey . So I it took . I was still it's like I was . I needed like a really Black and white reason why this is it's like it's , it's I'm not doing it because I hate you .

This is why I'm doing that . So that was about four years ago or something like that , or maybe five years ago , and the more I go down that , the more I see it through that lens . I said before where you're doing this person to just service by holding on to them , like I've seen him Since on this guy since and he's doing really well .

He's in another , he's at another gym , he looks really happy , he's got another kid , like he looks really happy and fulfilled . And if I was to hold on to him , well , I physically couldn't because I'd run out of money by that time . But yeah , I made , I struggled with it .

So , to give any advice on for people that are gonna have the conversation your life is one tough Conversation away from being the life that you want . So just think about that .

Whether it's your partner , whether it's a team member , whether it's yourself , and just really really lean into that and just look at what's the benefit of obviously having that but what's the downside of not having that , for obviously , yourself and the person involved and everyone who has a connection to them , like their kids or their partners and stuff like that .

But yeah , mate , the , the mission For business , no one man is more no man . No one man or woman is more important than the mission . So if this person is not the right person for the mission of the business or the company you got to cut the arm off to save the body .

And if you can obviously have it in healthy conversations , you can obviously frame it in a healthy way , which I've become really , really good at . But , mate , it was a very , very hard learning curve . That was probably my hardest lesson to learn , to be honest with my , with the , with the leadership side of things .

So , yeah , mate , challenging lesson , but , um , yeah , very , very , very comfortable now having those conversations . But , mate , that it took me five , six years to get comfortable about I .

But I think it's important within relationships to feel valued and heard and it's a reciprocal relationship .

You're not the one who's constantly making the phone calls , constantly trying to organize the catch-ups and in this instance I was and what I'm obviously aware of is you can keep doing that right , and for some people , if they're not mentally , no , they need support .

But you also need to draw a line in the same for yourself , because every time you keep reaching out , it's taxing on yourself . So I was like look , I'm just going to call him on it because we booked a call , even on zoom , just to make it official . And Some people like what , do you know what you made so much ? It has to happen .

And I called him on his like made . Oh , sorry , I'm busy , something's come up . I'm like you're on holidays , dude . Like if you can't make five minutes to have a phone call , where's the value in our friendship ?

Like it doesn't make me feel good reading that message , and it was a good point because once again it highlighted something to him that it wasn't intentional but it was still poor fall and I you know I probably should have had that conversation maybe six weeks ago . So that's a personal experience from that .

As I was saying at the beginning of the episode , one thing , an area where I feel a lot of our audience will get huge value from is the way you break down relationships and , as you've mentioned , you love teaching through quotes and one of the quotes I wrote down from one of your episodes was a relationship is a magnifying glass . Your point .

Ah , your partner points out triggers and trauma . So I'd love to start there and could you elaborate a bit more on that quote .

So they're quite similar , but I believe that , yeah , I'll sort of all lean into that . So there's three things as a book behind me . It's called you're not broken , by dr Sarah Woodhouse . She's a psychologist and she speaks about three things there's trauma , there's traumatic reactions and there's triggers .

So the trauma is the event that happens and that could be Physically assaulted , raped , abused , abandoned , not feeling seen , not feeling enough , not feeling held , not feeling whatever . And it could be literally something is small .

As you come home and you're fucking five years old or whatever it is , and you're like mom , dad , I've had such a great day at school . I did this , look at my painting , look at my drawing , look what I did . And my more dads on the phone they say hang on , son , I'm busy , I'll get back to you soon . They turn away .

That could create a trauma or a belief that I'm not seen , I'm not enough , I'm not worthy . So it's not just the big tea traumas of like abuse , rape , war and all that stuff which obviously can create a trauma . And that's key where they can , because there's some people , two people can go through the exact same thing .

One person can have quite a trauma from it . One person might not , and that's okay , but whatever triggers you . So it's sort of sit with that for a little bit . So trauma is the event and she's got a formula in there . It's the , it's perceived threat With the inability to protect yourself .

That's kind of the foundation of trauma , or not feeling heard , not feeling loved , not feeling enough , essentially . So you've got the trauma , that the event itself . Then you've got the reaction . That's also known as a coping mechanism . So some people it's like the simple one is like a dog .

So say , you get attacked by a dog , that's the event you've , that's the trauma . The reaction is you could feel scared and anxious . That's a pretty normal one . And then you see a dog . So the last one's a trigger . So trigger activates it all kind of sets it off .

It's like if you've got a wound , a cut on your arm , you touch it , it shocks you , it triggers you , right . So the trigger sets it off . So you've been attacked by a dog . You get anxious and scared and then the trigger is you're walking down the street and there's a dog there . Most people have met someone who's like petrified of dogs .

Very high chance that's the person's been attacked by a dog at some point . I just have one . I've got sausage dogs and like for fernie Americans , listeners , wiener dogs , if you guys call that and they're like the cutest all things . They bark sometimes but they're literally like this big , they're like they couldn't hurt you . They could hurt you .

They tried , but they're very harmless and like .

I've run gyms for a long time and he was my kind of my best mate , my buddy , my little mascot for the whole time and there'd be like some clients who'd walk in and be petrified and I'd walk like to the other side of the gym to like get ready for whatever , and I obviously went up Say hey , can I ask just I just randomly have you ever been attacked by

dogs ? Like , yes , I got attacked by those . Young guys must die from a dog . Fair enough , that makes sense . So just sort of those three things . So Traumas , traumatic reactions and triggers . So we all have Traumas and some people don't even like to think that because I haven't been raped up a bit abused , having been abandoned .

It can be those simple things have not been enough . It can be those simple things are not being heard , not feeling seen , your dad yelling at you , you failing a test , the partner Saying breaking up with you , and you've taken on that belief .

It's because I'm not enough , it's my fault , it's up to me or whatever it is , and the beliefs and the traumas are stored in your head and it becomes a part of your ego and this kind of gets a little bit Deep , but I'll try to keep it simple . So your ego is the identity of who you see yourself to be and there's two parts of the ego .

One , it wants to avoid pain . Two , it wants to be right . It will prove itself right , even if it's limiting . If you think you're not enough , it will make that fucking thing true . If you believe you're not lovable , it will make it true .

So all of this sort of , let's take all those so trauma , traumatic reactions , triggers , and then the ego , and then let's put that into a relationship . So a relationship . The reason it's a magnifying glass and it triggers you more than anyone else , it's because they see you more than anyone else . You and me , lachlan , we've caught up two times Like podcast .

You're on mine , I've been on yours and we sat next to each other but we didn't really know each other , didn't really talk to each other , so I've only seen this much of you . Your partner has seen a lot more than you , than I have .

She's seen you when you haven't had enough sleep , when you've had some financial pressure , when you're fucking stressed , when you've lost a sale , when your mate's done something , when your mom or dad or someone in the family's been sick , when the sink fucking breaks , when have you got kids ? Did it bother you ? No , no .

So the kids you haven't had enough sleep , the kids are sick , whatever it is , she sees so many versions of you so just by proximity she's going to see more parts to you than I'm going to see . So a trigger is just putting awareness on the wound . It's touching the wound .

So say you've got an insecurity and this ties into values and to call wounds and all that stuff . They kind of link into each other . I would assume there's some wounds , kind of what I was saying before about the masculine figure . So I'll assume around your dad or the father figure that you came up . Would that be fair .

We won't go there now , but would that be fair to say ? So say I came up and said Lachlan , you're a shit fucking man . You're a disgrace for men and for masculine or whatever . If the wound's still there , it's going to trigger you , right ?

And then kind of what I was going with , that is , your partner , just by putting awareness on it , is going to trigger you . So they're going to do little things like invalidate you . You kind of mentioned that before , like it's important to validate the other person .

So , as I say , you say something , your partner is on their phone and they just don't recognize you and they don't actually respond to you . And then that triggers an unhealed wound with a new that you haven't reconciled and healed through , and so you get frustrated and you snap back . And it's just those little micro ones .

There's obviously bigger ones that can happen . And a quote sort of sum all this up as well . And then I'll give you a live example is nothing triggers you . It reveals what's inside of you . So if you say that your partner triggered you , no , your partner revealed what's in you .

And if you just really take ownership of that , it's very empowering and very liberating . So let's choose an example . So I've got many , many examples . The one that I like , this one . So I'm normally the chef in the family for me , my fiance and she's like hun , would you like me to cook you dinner tonight ? I'm like fuck , yeah , absolutely .

She's like do you want a burger ? Yeah , love a burger . Would you like an egg with your burger ? Yes , I would , I love eggs . And so I'm just sort of chilling on the couch hanging out with the dogs and I'm like a very helping person , very people pleasing person .

So I'm like I'm gonna go check in how she's doing , offer some help , and I walk up into the kitchen and if you're gonna have a burger with an egg on it , it's probably gonna be a fried egg . I look at the pan and it looks like fucking scrambled eggs . Because she's like fuck the egg .

Like she's like absolutely turned it into a dog's breakfast and I'm like , babe , what's going on with the egg ? And you could see instantly she like shifted . You could see she got a trigger to her and she got really defensive . She's like I can't do anything , right , you know blah , blah , blah , blah , like and all this stuff .

And then , the event happens , have a bit of a disagreement . I held myself pretty well with that one . So I regulated really well , held space with it and made it feel safe . Never try heal during the trigger , wait till the storm passes and then you can handle it and process through it . Long story short , triggered her , had a bit of a disagreement .

I held space really well , regulated , got through that Once it was done the burger was good , by the way , it was good food and then , anyways , and I said , babe , how do you feel ? Do you feel safe right now ? Do you feel regulated right now ? Has a storm passed ? Yep , I feel great . Can I ask you , what did I reveal in you just then ?

What triggered you just then ? And she knew it , because she obviously knows this work quite well . Been with me , there's kind of no option , you're gonna know this work . And she said honestly my stepdad , my ex-stepdad . Everything I did was not enough . Everything I did because Indian heritage is very much like women have to have this . It's like her assignment .

It was an A . Why was it not an A ? Plus , you cook this . You could have made it better . Nothing was enough . So me saying what's going on with these eggs ? This is showing that you're not enough and I've triggered that in her .

And then the final step from this process ideally is you heal through whatever was brought to the surface so it doesn't get triggered again and when you can get to that level . So I think you were talking about before we kicked off , about the three stages of relationships that I talked about Number one .

So honeymoon period , love , sex , attraction everything's amazing and you're only showing some parts of yourself . You're hiding all of your triggers and skeletons over here because you don't want to see them . Step number two is where the triggers come up . It's where the skeletons come out . You reveal other parts of you .

The triggers , the traumas , the wounds and shit comes to the surface just because they're around you and they're gonna see those parts of you . And if you don't learn to kind of do what I just said , where you can actually hold space for each other to be triggered , because there's no way to avoid it .

Show me a single fucking relationship where you haven't triggered each other . I'm yet to find one . If you don't learn to recognize that your partner doesn't trigger you , they reveal what's in you . It's your shit , not theirs . If you don't , then learn to recognize that and then heal through that . And there's how do you heal ? That's a huge conversation .

There's different modalities , there's different strategies , there's different ways to do it . There's Demartini facilitation that's my favorite way . There's NLP , timeline therapy , hypnotherapy , sound healing , reiki healing , breath work , meditation , traditional therapy , psychedelics I'm a big psychedelic fan , so I just gave you 10 strategies .

You can go heal , find your way to heal , but if you don't do that , you will then trigger , have an argument , build up that frustration . The same trauma or trigger will happen again , but it'll have the leftovers from the last one and it gets worse and it gets worse and it gets worse . Eventually it blows up fuck this person . This person has all their shit .

They're not healing through it . It's not me , it's only them , right ? I've got no shit , it's only them . You break up , you go back , you find another partnership and you go through stage one and two again and you repeat that cycle over and over and over again . That's most people's relationships .

They don't make it to stage three , which is the conscious part , or the enlightened conscious part , where you recognize you've got your stuff , your partner has their stuff and you work through it together by holding space , by taking ownership , through regulating and through healing . Yeah , that was a kind of a big answer to your question . I loved that .

I hope that answered your question , mate .

It was just like arguing and I had my way of . I guess arguing and disagreeing was I'd shut off and then I'd walk away , so leaving her feeling like I didn't care about the issue .

So a lot of relationships broke down and where my self and my wife is in that third phase and it's something that always is a work in progress , but it's been such a fun experience and I think every problem we solve just unlocks another one for us to solve as well , like it's just nonstop , but you get to enjoy it all and grow together in between that .

What would be some red flags within relationships that people would wanna look out for ? There was another quote .

Now that you've highlighted it to me , I'm like you , definitely love teaching through quotes , which makes it really easy for me to write things down , but whatever you need in life will control you , so you use that as a quote in one of the other episodes I listened to that you did . Could you elaborate on that in the relationship context ?

You're gonna have to listen to or subscribe to this . But the first step for me for anyone to get into a relationship is you must be whole in who you are . You must be at a point where you're not attached or needy of anything . So kind of the quote you just said . I got this from Cohen Ray .

I don't know where he got it from or if it's one of his , but whatever you need in life will control you . So if you're needy of money , you will be easily controlled and manipulated by the person or thing that you perceive has the keys to money .

If you're needy of love , you'll be easily controlled , manipulated by the person or thing that you perceive holds the keys to love . What if you don't need anything ? And that's the power there . So most people and even this quote is so stupid it's like my partner completes me .

You're literally saying in that quote that you're not whole . I'm not enough in who I am by myself and I need someone else to make me whole . But then if that person treats my shit , I won't . I'll stay and put up with it and tolerate it , because if they leave me I won't be whole anymore . It's a shit set up .

So what if , the way I frame it , I'm fucking whole . I love who I am . I've got a fucking epic life . I find someone who's also at that level as well . You come together , elevate , grow , expand together . There's obviously some caveats to that . Number one , you never fully healed . We spoke about that before .

So it's not because some people might take this Okay , I'm just gonna keep healing , keep healing , keep healing . Then you never get with anyone .

You just need to get to a point where , number one , you're not needy of someone else , you don't need their love for you to be enough and you take ownership that you've got your own stuff and you heal through your own stuff , kind of what I was talking about earlier . So that they're kind of the three things .

So , in terms of red flags , though , number everyone's got their own unique , wanted in a relationship . So I always ask , number one Are you whole , are you needy , are you detached ? Are you doing your work and are you willing to do your work in a relationship , because that's where the real work starts . Then what are your non-negotiables for a relationship ?

I would assume , knowing you , my man , health , you couldn't be with someone who doesn't look after their health . Would I be right with that ? Correct , beautiful . So that's a non-negotiable . But that would be a non-negotiable for you . So a red flag would be someone who doesn't look after their health .

Now , does that mean someone who doesn't look after their health is a bad person ? Absolutely fucking not . That's okay , that's all good . I I'm similar . I couldn't be with someone who doesn't look after their health . I don't need a data bodybuilder by any means , but it's like I want that . Self-growth is a huge one for me .

I've shown the same for you as well . So I couldn't be with someone who doesn't do self-growth . Again , is there anything wrong with not doing self-growth ? No , that's cool . That's your life . You go live it . But for me , it's knowing what are your , what's your vision . So this goes back to what are your values and what's your vision for a relationship .

What does it look like ? From intimacy , from communication , from health , from lifestyle , from goals ? What are the non-negotiables ? No one's perfect , everyone's got their downsides and everyone's got their upsides . But what are your non-negotiables , and does your partner meet those ?

Because you don't want to turn water into wine , you don't want to Make someone become someone else to fit into what it is that you want . Why don't you just find someone ? Who's that person ? But the caveat was that is just understand , no one's got everything or perfection , because some people might take that to an extreme .

It's like my partner doesn't do as much growth as I do , and that's okay . I vow it's my second highest value and that's okay . But she does . She works on her stuff , she , she takes ownership , she heals through her stuff , she works on her , and that's okay . My partner isn't big into business , that's okay .

I don't need a partner who's like sort of homozy style , where you're Laila and Alex and they're like super power couples when it comes to business . That's okay . I don't need that . That's not a non-negotiable for me , I'm so . You just got to get clear on what your non-negotiables are and just make sure they're fair and reasonable .

The challenge with that question , though , is that's different for everyone , because some people , who have certain beliefs and upbringings , will have like the belief that the woman in a relationship cooks , cleans , does all this that has sex with me whenever I want and does everything at my control , because I'm the man and I don't subscribe to that personally .

But that's like going into beliefs and cultural and religious beliefs and shit like that . So that can get quite , quite challenging . But what is fair and reasonable to you , and is it coming from insecurities or authenticity ? That's probably the only way I could get a little bit clear on that . So why does your partner need to do all of this for you ?

Because is it from hurt , and that's compensation and what you're looking for , or is it just authentically what you want and again , that's it's ? It's a hard to define answer because everyone's different . So I'm into self-growth , I'm into health , I love conversations .

If my partner wanted to go out and party every week and I wouldn't be with it , and that's okay . There's people that go out and party . I trained with a Friend of mine she's not , she's not a client from the gym that she popped in today and she's like hey , louie , I'm going to a music festival today .

I can't wait to get fucked up , as literally what she told me during the workout Awesome , love it . That's awesome , can't wait , go enjoy . What are you taking ? So it's . But it's like I wouldn't . I just wouldn't do that , and that's okay , it's just me and her wouldn't date each other , and that's okay , it's um . So yeah , just go get clear on man .

What for me , are you whole . You're not needy of them . Because if you're needy of them , if they treat you like shit because you're scared of losing them , you'll put up with it versus set a boundary . If you're not willing to walk away , you're needy of your partner . I say this with love . I could walk away from my partner .

I , I love her and I would feel I would have some healing to do , obviously To work through that . But if she came home today and started treating me in a way that I don't Tolerate and respect with myself , I'll set a firm boundary . Hey , babe , I'm just letting you know the way you did XYZ ABC .

Even though you might not have intended it to come across that way , it actually hurt me and did XYZ . I'm just letting you know so you're aware of it . If you were to continue doing this and this was become a part of who you are , I wouldn't want to be with someone like that .

I'm just making you aware , hmm , and that's just a healthy way for anyone that likes examples as a good example for you and Vice versa . So I'm thinking of one . This this will hit home for men . I told her a man , a mate of mine , and he's like fuck , if my partner said that to me , I would have exploded , and that's a good , that's his work .

It was something along the lines of me just not falling through my word , like I'd say I'll do something , can . I just wasn't doing it to the level that I would Like . I said I'll take out the rubbish or something . I didn't do it . I'd say I'll clean this . I didn't do it .

And she said she fucking looked me dead in the eye and said I want to date a . So along the lines of like I don't want to date a boy , I want to date a man . Follow through on your word . I was like oh fuck , there's a big one and I , might you go , could have said fuck you , fuck you and whatever .

And I was like you're fucking right , you're right , thank you . Thank you for that , thank you for holding me to a higher standard . But a lot of men especially got some wounds around your , your , your , your father and mom or whatever police just subscribe to , would say fuck you , who do you think you are and all whatever .

So , yeah , but I think I'm gonna be able to do that . Yeah , but I was not . She wants to be with a high value man what people obviously find that differently , but she wants to be with a man who follows through on her word and I respect that because I want that for me too as well . So thank you for holding me to that standard .

So , yeah , kind of gone off track .

But as soon as it's like , as you said , I've taken , you know , got a bag of stuff there and now I'm like , yep , that's not the standard that I set out to hold in the household , so you can't . You know , a standard is across the board .

It's not just in the areas that please you or suit you in the moment , and especially if the relationship is important to maintain those standards .

Like she didn't say fucking Lewis , you piece of shit , fucking blah , blah , blah , it was just like babe , I want to date a man , not a boy . You said you'd do this and you're not following through what you said . You know what you're right , thank you . Thank you for the accountability and I will improve on this and I will and I am going to be better .

Thank you for this . But , yeah , most people don't get past stage two and I say fuck you , this is your fault , your fault , blah , blah , blah and whatever . And then they'll get triggered blame project and break up , go up , go back , find out the person , go through stage one and two again and just repeat that .

It's the reason why their life is in chaos or they're not getting the results that they want . I've consumed a favor to your content and I haven't seen you doing that . Why ?

But you , the downside is you're going to invest time that you could invest elsewhere , so it naturally is going to take away from something else . Obviously it adds to everything else , but I can pay the way I view ADHD . I've got a quite a different lens through it and I again , I was diagnosed with it .

I'm not a professional in this sense , it's just my view through it . But the way I view ADHD is someone who has a lot of energy and a high sensitivity to boredom . So whenever life is life is balanced . So I was diagnosed with ADHD , autism , so aspergers and mate . I struggled with some things I didn't give a fuck about .

So I didn't like if you got me , I didn't enjoy geography Made . If you asked me , like where's a place on the map ? I fucking don't know . Like my part , would like organize a bit of a honeymoon . You want to travel here ? I'm like where the fuck is that ? I just don't understand . However , you get me to do something .

I'm interested in Laser focus , so whenever life is balanced . So if you have an attention deficit down here , you'll have a tension surplus over here . When I was younger video games mate , I could play video games eight hours straight without fucking taking a piss Like I would be .

So laser focused coaching I can coach for a very long period of time , like we've done it about an hour now of this and I see this as coaching Mate . I'm filming my own podcast after this . I'm filming content today . I've got work laid out for today and I'm attention surplus on this . I've just got a deficit over there .

I just don't give a shit about it . And , yeah , I guess that's the way I view it . So it just depends on the lens that you're looking through . Are there downsides to it ? Of course I can move . I can have a bit of shiny objects sometimes where I'll start like a fair few projects and not finish them all .

So that's where you might want to have systems and structure in place to support with that , and that just comes back to self awareness . So what are your downsides ? How do you improve it ?

I'm like a creature for habit , so I love having routine , so generally I'll train every morning at 5am it was a bit later today because it's a Saturday for me but Monday to Friday 5am class , come back , supplements , whatever it is straight into work for a couple of hours , go freshen up , come back to another block of it .

It's like that , just a good routine for me . And I do daily huddles . I do . I'm really good with my planning . I've got a lot of structure around that to just compensate for my weaknesses , because everyone's got weaknesses . So I just believe it's the lens .

You look through it , it can be the best thing that's ever happened to you and it empowers you and this is hopefully for anyone that has got quite diagnosed with it might empower you a bit .

If you want to be successful in anything , does it require a lot of fucking focus and energy and input into that thing for a long fucking period of time ? Absolutely so . If you've got ADHD , you're going to do that . Naturally You're going to be distracted , not give a shit about other things and just hyper focus on whatever it is .

So I'm like that's kind of what we said earlier . It's like people think I'm super disciplined . It's like I know what I love , I know who I am and I have the gift of ADHD , so I'm fucking very focused on it . So , yeah , I see this as an upgrade personally .

But if you want to actually chat to me but I'm on Instagram , on YouTube , on Facebook , tiktok , linkedin but yeah , if you want to actually have a genuine chat , send me a DM and connect and love to connect .