A Map of Relationship Stages #544

Maybe you're doing things that maybe you didn't do in the early stages Because you wanted to put up your best foot forward , you wanted to impress , but now it's coming up because it is part of who you are . The three phases of relationships that is what we will be diving into on today's episode .

So , if you stick around to the end , I'm not only going to share these three stages with you and some personal stories . I'll give you what I believe a framework that have helped me go from phase one to phase two .

Phase two , where most relationships are the fall apart , or they stay together and they just , in my opinion , just rot because they don't know how to go to phase three , or they don't want to put the work in the go to phase three , which is when the most incredible relationships are .

So stick with me to the end and I'm going to give you that framework Before we dive in . Once again , if you're here for the first time checking out the podcast . Thank you for stopping by . I aim to deliver Extreme amounts of value for men , to help you be able to take your life to that next level and live an inspired life . Now .

An inspired life is something that you get to create for yourself . I'm a big believer that we can learn a lot from People from all walks of life , and we can use their perspective experiences to Fast track our own success and understanding around what we want as men and as individuals .

I then believe that if you can get a framework , okay takes away a lot of overwhelm , because if you can see where you're at in a specific framework , you can then go okay , this is where I'm at . This is what I need to Figure out or find out in order to tick that off .

So then I can move to the next stage because , ultimately , we're building our life brick by brick and within our strongman evaluation Academy , which is our main program that we offer at the man that came project . We have six phases and I'm not going to go into that .

And boy with that now wouldn't even boy , you're probably excited , you with that now we're going to get back into the episode , but , as I said for the new listeners . If you're here , make sure you hit the subscribe button so you don't miss episodes . We drop episodes every Thursday , which is solar episodes with myself .

You know , as I said today , it's a coaching one around those three phases or stages of relationships , which is extremely valuable for men . And on Mondays I interview guest experts or whether they're athletes , incredible business owners or just coaches themselves that can provide values , perspectives and stories to help you better improve your life .

So make sure you subscribe so you don't miss any of those episodes . Back to the episode . So a great quote I read when I was doing a bit more , I guess , structuring for this podcast was this a great relationship .

A great relationship Sorry , love is a constant dance between connection and disconnection , and that was by Dr Sue Johnston , and when I read that , I was that that's perfect , like that really just makes a lot of sense .

Because when we feel connected to something we you know , for me personally , I feel like I'm valued , I feel like I'm being heard and I feel like that's reciprocal . That's when I feel like this sense of connection , the sense of belonging . When I feel disconnected , I don't feel valued , I don't feel heard , I don't feel understood .

And because life happens In such An incredible way where sometimes it allows us space and time to prioritize the relationships . Other times it may pull you more towards your career or health things , or we all have stuff that pops up which can cause that rift within your relationship .

But I think if we can understand that it's that balance is that juggling act , we will then be able to work through it . So that was a beautiful quote that I read . But let's go back to the beginning . The first phase is honeymoon phase .

I'm going to give you some rough time estimates that I believe they last for , but , once again , every relationship , including yours , may be different . The second place is the conflict phase . In the third phase is the connection phase . Okay , the connection phase is where , where I believe , all relationships should be aspiring to grow . To many don't get there .

So the honeymoon phase is that special phase . Right , it brings to you know , together a relief of their reciprocated love with the excitement of the future that is still yet to be created . It's the passion of time , the wild sex . You have the rose colored glasses on .

You cannot see your partner in any shades of bad , but what we need to recognize is that all things in life have this bell curve approach and as individuals , we all have stuff , and if you want to look into this further , check out Dr Carl Jung and the shadow , shadow work or shadow self , because there's parts of us that we're embarrassed about , maybe ashamed

about that . We try to keep in the shadows . We don't want people to see or know about us , and that happens in a relationship as well .

The challenge with that is that eventually it's going to wear its head , because if you spend enough time around anyone , they guards going to drop , and that's going to be the same for you , and we'll go into that in point number two . Back to the bell curve . For those who are watching on YouTube , you'll be able to see the shape that I'm making .

In everything we've got the ascension , the building phase , the exciting phase when we're motivated , we're learning new things , we feel like we're making progress . That then leads us to the peak point . I can peak in relation . You know we've always seen when you're at the peak of your career , the only way to go is down right .

We've seen it with athletes , musicians , business owners etc . But what you can do is you can prolong the peak by doing certain things and that's going to really come to fruition at the end of this .

When I give you the , the framework that I believe in , I think we've obviously got the descending or the decalde inclination is that's the right word okay , of that , that process . But when we're ascending , it can happen fast , it can happen slow , but quite often when we're growing , we allow room for the things that maybe irritate you .

So as we hit that peak , that's when we really start noticing hey man , I didn't sign up for this . You might be thinking to yourself with your partner , you never did that before , but now you're doing it . And the reality is , maybe they didn't do that before , but they were hiding that . That is part of who they are .

Maybe you're doing things that maybe you didn't do in the early stages because you wanted to put up your best foot forward , you wanted to impress . But now it's coming up because it is part of who you are . And once that honeymoon phase starts wearing off and once that honeymoon phase starts wearing off , then we move into the conflict stage .

One thing that I think is important to highlight here as well is change is the only constant in life . Okay , so , even if you don't want to leave your comfort zone and look to grow a relationship and settle with one . Change is going to happen . You're going to get older Okay .

Your priorities will change , just as a byproduct of where you're at in life , and as a result of that , it means you're going to look at things in different ways . You're going to have , probably shape , different beliefs , which is important to understand within a relationship .

So , for me , when I'm thinking about the honeymoon phase and you may be there , you may be past that , or you may not even be in a relationship yet , but this is mindful to be wary of we all want to go back to the honeymoon phase . It's where everyone wants to live . It's exciting , it's all of those things that I mentioned earlier .

Okay , but by nature we cannot sustain it hormonally . With the bloody , dopamine hits Eventually . It settles , as with anything that's new and exciting , and that is okay . It does not mean that your relationship is broken . There are plenty of people who just go oh that our relationship must be broken . I need to get over this one and get to the next one .

I need to keep finding that honeymoon highs we'd call it , but the honeymoon high always will wear off , and if you seek to have a long-term relationship , one that is full of passion , that is full of love , and you really are building a life together . You need to understand that and be okay with it and accept that your relationship is not broken .

We're just moving into phase two , right , the conflict phase . Another thing I just want to quickly highlight with the honeymoon phase and I'll share a personal story here you can be codependent in a relationship , meaning that they're all that matter .

You want to spend all your time around them and you start sacrificing other areas of your life whether it's your health , your other relationships with your mates because you just want to be around them all the time . And then you've got the interdependent , where you're excited about this relationship but you're still making time for the life that you had prior .

And codependency is not healthy and I'll get into that as we go through it . But many people and I did this early on in many relationships all my mates would say man , we never see you anywhere more , you're always with X . And I was like no man , we're just spending a bit of time , but I'll make time

for you . And then I would always bail to spend time with the girlfriend at the time when I was very fortunate with my now wife is we lived two hours apart .

So because we lived two hours apart , we were almost forced to be interdependent , meaning we were excited about the relationship , we had all the honeymoon stuff going on , but we were also living two hours apart , building our own lives , catching up with our own friends .

So we had to deal with the jealousy , we had to deal with the insecurities that maybe we were both bringing into the relationship . We not had the opportunity to do that . We would have been codependent to the point where we would have suffocated each other and not dealt with the insecurities and the jealousy and whatever other baggage we were bringing .

We all come with baggage , and so I believe that is a beautiful thing , and I guess a tip there for those of you who are in the honeymoon phase is make sure you remain interdependent . You build the relationship together . You're committed to that , but you're still hanging out with friends .

You've still got your career and your own goals and ambitions outside of that that you can focus on . You don't just become solely dependent on the individual . So how to move . Obviously , time is always going to take you there . It could be anywhere from three to sort of nine months .

I believe the honeymoon phase lasts for about time we'll have you getting there . So when you're aware of it , you can transition a lot smoother . Things like communicating well is going to be made will help you make that transition a lot easier . Understanding your flaws so you feel comfortable is beginning to communicate that .

But also , as you start noticing some of their flaws , you're not quick to judge . You go okay , that's something that we want to work on , or I want to highlight , maybe because it's crossing a boundary or it irritates you , agitate you , and that's okay . You should talk about that .

But when you're aware of that , you're not just going to judge them and put yourself on a high horse , is if you don't have any issues and think the relationship needs to be done . And another final thing , because generally in this transition period , people stop bickering , they start arguing I don't . You know I don't fight .

We've never had big fights , so I don't believe you should be fighting . Personally , I think you can do the work to respect each other enough to have great conversations . But One thing to consider is when your emotions are higher , your intellect is low . So be mindful of that . And if you're , you know , in a heightened emotional state .

Take a break before you finish the conversation . So we're now in phase two , right conflict . It's when the flaws start to expose . We all have them . We start feeling a little bit more comfortable . So we start removing the mask and , as we said , you may spend . Some of .

You guys may listen to this podcast every week and have an idea of how you think I am as an individual . But it may be very different to if you were part of our Academy and you saw me more regularly .

Or If you were just even my mate , one of my mates , and you spend a lot more time around me , you might go hmm , I'm seeing a different side , and of course you would , because when I'm on the podcast I'm presenting a side of myself that I want to be , have a bit of influence in education etc . But I'm human , like all of you .

There's so much stuff that I need to work on okay , and I don't shy away from that . But also not everyone gets to see that because they're not spending a lot of time around me . That means that the same will happen in your relationships . As you start to spend more time with your partner , you'll start noticing those things .

If the relationship is important to you , you will start to accept that . No , okay , but if it's crossing boundaries , that's when we need to start communicating , to help you start working through this from the conflict phase to the connection phase .

Okay , so you know things in the academy that we discuss a lot , and I'm so grateful for this community because relationships are the cornerstone of our life , whether it's intimate , whether it's with work , colleagues , friends , family , and the skills that you can develop there around emotional intelligence , meaning your awareness , your emotional regulation , how you're showing

up in relationships To your communication , learning to communicate in different ways with different people and communicate honestly with yourself , so that you can communicate honestly with people around you , okay , and then just accepting you for you , a lot of people are embarrassed about themselves there , don't feel worthy and they project that onto other people .

This is why the work with you must come first , since what we prioritizing ? The academy ?

Helping you get to a point where You're a man of value right , a strong man of value , someone who knows what you stand for , knows how you show up , knows the influence that you want to have in your life , because then you can communicate , that you can set boundaries , you can lead people very important things and you can lead your relationship .

Most men can't do that , which is why the relationships don't go the way they want them to know . We all have insecurities , we all have trauma , we all have fears . That is normal . But being aware of that and being able to manage that in this juggling act is what's going to help move you to that connection phase .

Okay , a few other things to be mindful of Is agreed to do the work right and when I say the work , it's what we do in the academy . It could be understanding yourself more . Some things that I do I write because I want to understand what's going on in my head . I listen to podcasts , like you're doing right now .

I read books , I have conversations and ask questions that I'm genuinely curious about because I just want perspective . Perspective helps me make better decisions . Better decisions lead to better outcomes . So you need to be conscious of your triggers , the things that are you up , maybe with your partner .

We all have them , but if you can be mindful of them , you can discuss them . Okay , but you can also learn to manage them needed . Drop the defenses .

I remember I used to just be aggressive and angry when people would challenge me and or in times when Amy and I would be working through something together , I would shut down because I didn't know how to communicate what I was feeling . So the easiest thing for me to do so I wouldn't say something wrong was to shut down .

But that wasn't effective because then she thought I was just not interested in solving the challenge that we were working through .

So it becomes very important to work , do the work on yourself , and an exercise there just that's come to mind that I do a lot with our clients is , if you're not comfortable with articulating or saying how you know , saying how you feel , start filming yourself by talking . You don't have to share it with anyone , but watch it back .

Right , you're going to get feedback around how you're showing up the words that you're using . Every time that you don't really say the thing that you meant to say , because you can go . Okay , next time , if I get this opportunity , or when I film myself again , I'll say it this way . That's how we make progress . So that's a good little exercise for you .

But to go from the conflict phase to now , where we want to be with the connection phase , where most relationships do not get to , here's a few things that I would do . Number one do the work on yourself . And if you're struggling , I've already mentioned a few things you can do podcast , listen to book , ask questions you curious about ? Join the Academy .

We'll be able to really help you there . This is what the Academy is about Make time to grow as a couple . As you live with anyone long enough , you take them for granted , right ? You think that because you're living under the same roof , that's counted as time together . It's not . You still need to make time for connection , for valued time .

So make sure you whether it's date nights or scheduling time together as a couple do things like that . I was on a podcast last night with Ryan Drake , so I think it's called Behind the Business and we were talking about it . I was like Amy and I make sure that we talk before we go to bed .

While we're laying in bed , we just have a couple of minutes chat , check in on how the day's been , any stresses , all of that sort of stuff , and that makes us feel connected , because I know what she's experiencing and she can also then understand what I'm experiencing . So there's a good thing to do there .

And thirdly , I think this is extremely important for that , moving you to the connection phases . Continually have new experiences . Don't just get stuck in routine . Routine means you don't need to think . Habits mean you don't need to think it's important to be attentive , it's important to think , it's important to show up in your relationship .

So continually do new things . Don't worry about whether you enjoy it or not . Obviously , if you know the person well , you'll be able to make more accurate decisions around what they may be enjoying or whatever . But look , amy and I have done so many random things over the years and some of them we've not liked at all .

Like we did a ghost tour here in Nashville and we were just like let's do it . It's random , starts at 9pm I'm normally in bed by then , but it was cool . Like I wouldn't rave about it , but it was very interesting .

And then it also gave us an idea for our next day to do a history tour , because during the ghost tour we learned a lot about the Nashville history and we're like that's actually interesting . I want to do that . So there's some good things to do from the connection . But now we're in phase three , connection .

This is when you know you're committed and you know you're accepting of your other partner , regardless of you know the flaws , the insecurities , the strengths . We all have all of those things .

But this is where we are clear as individuals around our wants , our needs , our desires , our boundaries , our expectations , our personal standards , because you can then communicate that with your partner and vice versa . They should be clear on that as well , so that you can support each other . You also want to have those wants , needs and desires as a couple .

Okay , it's important to have those . Now you're ultimately becoming a team and for anyone who's played team sport , this is what , once again , I'm a big believer everyone should play team sport . Growing up is you start to understand your role and throughout a season of sport , for example , there are injuries right , which means your role in the team may change .

Okay , you may get dropped from the team , you may get an injury right , but your role changes . If you're still committed to the same goal .

If you're going to have a sook about it and piss off , probably not committed to the team , but if you'll know that the goal is to build a successful relationship , you will understand that it's not always going to be a 50-50 split in regards to you give one thing , I take the other . Advice first .

Sometimes it could be a 95-5 , it could be a 70-30 in regards to who's doing what for who . Now I want to be very clear if it's always 95-5 or 70-30 , then that's not a healthy relationship . But it swings like a pendulum and if you're watching me on YouTube , you'll see the hands moving . But that's how it should be and you should be mindful of that .

Moving to America , we did this for my wife , but prior to that she's done so much to support me . So , the pendulum swinging back . Now we're helping her pursue her career , which meant sacrifices for me .

But because we communicate , because we're building something together as a team and as a husband and wife , we're both okay with that and we understand what our roles are in getting us to where we want to get to . And that has not come without some tough conversations , without plenty of mistakes .

But this is where that connection piece matters , because you're a team and it's not just a feeling , it's those boundaries , the communications , the experiences that you're having .

So I want you to think about that and I hope that's been very helpful for you to understand the differences between the honeymoon phase , which is phase one , generally last six to nine months , the conflict phase , which most relationships don't break it past . Some even stay there for 30-plus years .

But let's just assume you want to get through that period as quickly as possible . Once again , you won't get through it without a few headaches and a bit of banter and back and forth , but you want to get to that connection phase right . And to me that means you are a team .

You recognize that , you're committed , you're accepting of each other , you're building and growing . You understand that you have flaws , you have strengths , you have weaknesses , but ultimately you're building a life together . Okay , and you continue to show up . I hope you have found that valuable . Next week I'm going to be talking more on the solo episode .

I'll be talking about the stages of communication . Communication is such an important thing .

That really changed my life and there was a guy who pulled me up at the pub once , and I don't know who this guy is , but he pulled me up and this sticks in my mind and it's changed my life in regards to wanting to learn to communicate better , wanting to learn how to say what I mean .

I was at a pub and the guy was chatting away and he asked me a question . I can't remember the question , but my response was something along the lines of it's effing effed . And he said to me dude , what does that even mean ? How about you tell me what you really well , how about you have a go at telling me what you really mean ?

And in that moment I was pissed off , like I was like how dare you pull me up ? Like I feel embarrassed , I feel self , you know , not worthy , and that's that was my own stuff to work on it . But he wasn't insinuating that , he was just wanting to actually understand what I was meaning .

So from that moment I realized pretty quickly I needed to learn to communicate honestly and effective with myself .

That's number one , because the more openly and honestly I could communicate with myself , I could then communicate better with people around me , because I knew what I wanted to say and then I could communicate with the world around me , meaning I could build my influence , I could build my leadership . So make sure you hit the subscribe button .

Tune in next Thursday for that episode . But also this Monday is going to be one of my favorite episodes with a guy called Bradley Farqua . He's done some incredible feats , wants to check out space . He has a very powerful story around that and some of you may be going huh cool dream .

When you meet this guy and understand what he's accomplished and what he's done , you'll be like fuck , this guy probably will actually achieve that . So I look forward to seeing you guys on the Monday episode . Thank you guys for being here . My name is Lachlan Stewart and , as always , do something today to be better for tomorrow .