Resisting Workplace Negativity: Secure Your Peace at Work and Home

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How are you , ladies , doing this Wednesday night ? I know it's a little bit of a change , right ? I know last week , you know , we started the season all , season four , an episode one . But it was kind of weird , right , to hear it on a Wednesday night because we're so used to coming on Saturday mornings . But I'm kind of digging it .

You know , I'm kind of liking that we get to spend the Wednesday nights together , especially because it's in the middle of the week and , I don't know , it's closer to the weekend , and so you're able to listen to the podcast either on your way to work or maybe while you're at work , I don't know , but it's kind of nice . It's kind of nice .

So I hope you all have your . You know , I don't know , do you have drink coffee at night ? I don't know , I don't , because then it not that it keeps me awake , it just upsets my stomach . But you know , I just kind of chill on Wednesday nights . But anywho , I just wanted to say thank you so much for being here with me , with me this evening .

It's always such a pleasure whenever I get to speak with all of you . But you know , I wanted to talk a little bit about this topic that has been coming into play . So I've got other podcasting friends and a lot of the theme that has been going on is , you know , that , that toxic attitude . You know that toxic mentality .

But it's always , usually in a relationship perhaps , that we act a certain way . But I want to talk about something a little bit differently because it's come up . It's come up .

I've had someone ask me about it and just in general , you know , whenever I have worked with clients in workforce development or in the employment coaching field , oftentimes it wasn't always just personal relationships that they were feeling defeated in , it was also at the workplace , you know , just having that toxic work environment .

And so how many of us have experienced the effects of a toxic work environment , whether directly or indirectly . And then so how did you manage it ? You know , did you hold a grudge or arrive at work with a negative attitude already ? Did you feel like you were being mistreated unfairly or unjustly , like ? How often do we deal with toxic relations ?

I'm sorry , oftentimes , when we deal with toxic relationships is how we handle toxic workplaces . However , there are ways to , you know , overcome that . But before I even get on to how do we overcome that or how do we even deal with that , listen y'all , I am no stranger when it comes to working in toxic relationships .

You know , I had a manager in two occasions in two of the workplaces that I've ever been with . I had one who was just very how can I put it ? She always took credit when things went well , but when it didn't go well , she would throw you under the bus in a heartbeat .

And one of the lessons that I learned from that position because , see , in everything we have to learn a lesson , right , in everything that we do , anything that we're involved in , there's always going to be a lesson behind it . But anyways , I remember the lesson that I learned from that was nothing if it's not in writing , it doesn't exist .

So if you don't write things down , if you don't document things or what have you , then it's almost like it doesn't exist .

And so I learned very quickly that , with this particular manager , she was the kind that would you know , and if anytime you needed to communicate something and she wasn't CC'd on it , she would have a fit like she needed to be CC'd on everything . Now , mind you , I get it .

I get it that there are things that , yes , we need to have our managers or our supervisors , you know , cc to on certain messages , right , because we need to make sure that they stay in the loop in case that something goes down or whatever , that they would be able to not be caught off guard .

However , sometimes there are things that it doesn't necessarily need to have that and and I think for the most part , a lot of us know how to decipher what needs to have our manager CC'd on it and we know when it doesn't . But this particular manager , I mean , it was just like you couldn't have personal conversations .

I mean , if you had lunch with each other outside , it was always a thing of what are they talking about ? Why , you know , I'm outside of the loop , I don't know . And it was like meeting after meeting .

I mean , we would have meetings in the afternoon , we would have meetings in the morning and then in the afternoon we would have a meeting about the meeting in the morning and then later on , before we left work , it would be the meeting about the meeting , about the meeting , like do you feel me ? How many of you have had to deal with that ?

And it was just so mind-boggling to me because you know , and a lot of times and I've spoke , spoken about this in other episodes you know that oftentimes we can tell a person and their trust issues because they demonstrated in how they are , and so they will .

You know they , they will show us their insecurity , they will let us know where their trait is as far as the having that confidence in their employees or in just in people in general . Right , so it's , it's . It was crazy for me and I had a .

I had a difficult time with that because I always felt like I was gonna get in trouble and it almost took me back .

So y'all this was like a triggering behavior because it would take me back to that place where I was a kid and it's like , oh , my god , you know like I needed to communicate everything with my dad , because if he didn't know , I mean , I mean we would just get into trouble and it just it would like I didn't want to disappoint him , you know , like I could

not have a bad grade , or because , you know it was a reflection of him and and so he projected his insecurities onto me by being , you know , physically abusive , and so I just remember that feeling . It took me back , you know , and so what happens is we no longer enjoy the work that we do , because it takes it out of you .

You know like you want to do your job , you want to be the best that you can be and you want to show them that you can shine and you want to learn something from them . But it's almost like information would be withheld or whatever , and and the credit would never be given to the person who actually did the work .

It would always be given like if something great happened , she would take full credit for it , and it's like I said , you know , if it went south , then she would just throw you under the bus , and so it was really hard , and so , with that mindset , I ended up leaving , but not before .

I had something else lined up , and it was crazy because it was at the next job that I had another boss who was not so much in detail like that , where she had to be CC'd on everything , but this particular person had it where she would use your coworker against you , like , and that was sad because she would play these games with people and her .

The way she would say it is that I'm trying to help you and in reality she was not . And don't get me wrong , I had a lot of great training from her and I learned a lot on the job from her . However , the way she was with us was just very hard , and I'm not gonna say just me in particular , because it was all of us .

So , for instance , like if you , if I were in the office with somebody and she was calling my phone , my office phone , and I didn't answer , then she was gonna call all of everybody else's phone to find out where I'm at . So if I was in the office with somebody , it would be like , well , where's Mariana ? Oh , she's in so-and-so .

So okay , how long has she been in their office or what are they talking about ? Or , you know , tell her when she's done to give me a call and it's like wait a minute , am I like in school or something like you're ? You're treating us like children .

And it was crazy because there again , I absolutely loved the work that I was doing , but once again the work environment , like so much insecurity , was happening , and again it would take me back to that place where now it made me feel like I was with my ex-husband , who was very manipulative , who was very sneaky about things and stuff , and so this is how I

felt , and so I've heard from so many people , especially when they have been hurt in their lives , that these feelings that they get when they're at their workplace trying to do their job , you know , wanting to learn from someone and yet they're still getting treated like this . And then they don't know how to respond .

Because for a long time I didn't know how to respond . I was afraid to say anything .

Well , one because and I've shared this before , not even shared it in my book , and I'm not ashamed of what happened , but there was a time , you know , that I was on probation , I was at work , and so I was fearful to do anything wrong , because I needed to keep my job , because I felt first of all blessed that God had even blessed me with this job .

But , number two , I felt like I needed to prove myself so that I could continue to have this job , and I didn't want to lose it , because then it would put me back in that position where I would have to go find another job and explain my past once again . And during that time I wasn't healed yet . I didn't fight .

I didn't have that healing , so it was very hard for me to talk about my past , and I used to talk about my past and just start crying and just feel so ashamed and embarrassed and you know like how is this person going to view me .

Now I'm so thankful that I can freely speak about my past and I know that God is going to use it to bless somebody else . And so , with this message , this is exactly what I want to do .

I want to be able to provide this message because I know God is going to use this message in order to bless somebody else , whoever is going through a toxic workplace , because it's not always just toxic relationships that we're in . Sometimes that can be carried over into the workplace as well and if we don't know how to handle our personal , our personal lives .

When we're dealing with a toxic person that's in our lives , then how are we ever going to deal when someone is treating us , you know , unfairly or unjustly at the workplace ?

And the thing is , it sucks out the joy of being able to go to work , because I think a lot of us would enjoy our jobs a lot more if we had that support from those that are put in positions of authority in the workplace .

And , and so I think I read somewhere that you know , statistically , when people leave a job , oftentimes it's not because of the work , it's because of the workplace , and oftentimes we don't have people who respect us . There's this book and I was sharing this with someone not too long ago , but it's by Adam Grant .

It's called givers and takers , and I really , really enjoy that book a lot . So if you've never read it , I would highly recommend that you read it .

But he talks about and I might have to find that Ted talk where he's talking about that the difference between a giver and a taker and then those that are in the middle , because you're gonna find that we fall in one of those three categories . But a giver is some , I mean , a taker is someone who is , that's what they do . They take , take , take .

They , you know , fight their way to a position . They want to get to the top and they'll climb the ladder , no matter who it is that they're Stepping all over and they'll climb up that ladder and they'll get to that ladder very quickly , right , but just as quickly as they got there , that's how fast that they're going to crumble down . Why ?

Because they just burn bridges . They stepped all over people in order to get to that first spot . And then you have the givers , and the givers are the ones that Look at people for who they are .

They Want to genuinely be there to help people and oftentimes they get overlooked because they're the ones that are either are quiet , are the helpers like , for instance , let's just talk about salespeople .

If you're in a sales position , right , and you're someone that tells you know that , are very honest , and you tell somebody you know what , I wouldn't buy that car . That car is a lemon , it's gonna give you problems .

But see , a taker would be like selling you the , the outside appearance of the car , but not not telling you anything wrong about the car , right , but a giver is going to be the quite opposite . So I know this car looks good but , man , this car might give you problems , is probably not the one worth it .

And they may not be overlooked and they may not have the highest sales At first .

But here's the beauty about give being a giver is that because one is a giver , they're building rapport , they're Building that confidence , they're being , they're showing that they genuinely care , and so , over time , what happens is the person that climbed the ladder the quickest falls .

But that giver is slowly , slowly climbing the ladder and at the same time , building rapport , building a team building , you know , a community where everyone is shining , and Then this person ends up at the top , not because he fought his way , but because he respected those around him .

And those are the kind of managers that we hope and seek to find Right , and those are the people that we want to work for .

And it's hard when you're having to work for somebody that doesn't see you for who you are , as a worker , as an employee , but just they don't see you for who you are as a person , and I really do feel that that's just such a disservice to the person .

Because this is why oftentimes there are high turnover rates at a job site , because the upper management is just not seeing their employees for their gifts and talents that God has given them , or you , right and so ? And in discussing all of this , what can we do ? How can we handle this ?

Well , like I said , every Situation is a lesson that we can learn , and what I've learned out of these lessons Were , first of all , whenever I did work in an environment that it was getting to be bad , I started to record Incidences . I would start to record things that were going on .

When it happened , what happened , how did it happen , what was the outcome of the situation . I would document all of that . I started to have to keep a record of all of that . Why ?

Because if I ever had to go to HR About this person , then I wanted to make sure that I had Complete records and I didn't want to base it off of just my opinion on my story . I wanted to have facts around the situation .

Okay , so that meant that if there were emails going back and forth , if there were I don't know text messages going back and forth , I was going to keep all of that information because I needed to build up you know , my Speaking piece so that I can demonstrate it with facts , not with opinions , because there's a difference between an opinion and a fact , because

we can all have our opinions right , but we have to be able to back it up with a fact . I Would sometimes have to , you know , before I could even talk to my manager .

I Would talk to the other members of the team and find out if perhaps they were experience a similar Situation as well , because if we did , then that means that instead of just me being the one to come and confront our Either manager or supervisor , then I wanted it to be where , together , as a team , we can address the concerns that we had .

Sometimes it's better when you come together as a team than when you come together as an individual . And I say that because you know you're stronger when you have support . And I don't mean that you're just going to bring in people and , just you know , have this team to go against this person . No , it needs to be where we're all experiencing the same thing .

And if you're not , and if they are not , then I need them to be honest and say , no , I have not had that experience . So then I know now that perhaps it's just something between us like there's a disconnect of some sort and we need to get to the root of that problem so that we can resolve it right .

So sometimes I would have to seek support , you know , through my friends , through my colleagues . Sometimes I just had to talk it out , especially if it got too , too bad . Then I would go to a therapist or , you know , a counselor of some sort and speak to them .

Sometimes I would have to take breaks , you know I'd have to like just disengage for a moment and do something like after work , not discuss it at home .

I had to learn how to do that because y'all , I used to just come home and unload everything on my husband and then that would start to cause problems at home , because now work is coming into the home and now we're having discussions and it's not always going to be good because it's either are you gonna address it or not .

And then we'd get into it and blow up , because sometimes I would carry that anger with me and unloaded on my husband and that wasn't fair for him . But how many times how we've done that ? How many times have we brought in problems from work and unloaded it on our children ? Why ? Or our families ? Why ?

Because it's easier to unload it on our loved ones than it is to address it to the person that we want to address who we need to address it to right . But you can't do that or you shouldn't do that . Let me just say that you shouldn't do that because that's not fair on your family .

So I would have to take moments where I would have to just retire and go , pray , you know . Go , you know , do something that was fun , whatever , in order for me to have that little , you know , peace of peace of mind , that little break for the moment , and then be able to just like recharge again .

And yeah , there were times that I would have to consider a job change . I mean , like the first job I did , you know , I I knew that it was getting to a point where I needed to just leave . I just needed to leave and I was very fortunate that I ended up going from one job to the next .

But even at that job , after five years I was there for five years and even though I I followed chain of command , okay . So I tried first talking to my manager . That didn't work . Then I ended up talking to our supervisor or our director and it worked for a little bit , but then after a while , I go right back .

Then I went up further than that and at the end of the day I realized that I was not going to get the support , and I knew that because this person eventually became the program director and so which I had a feeling , and so I felt like I didn't have the support that I needed , and I knew that it was time .

I knew that it was time that I that I go , and I prayed , and prayed , and prayed , and then finally , god did open up the doors for me to go into my next workplace and I was with them for five more years and I didn't leave because I wanted to leave , I got .

I left because we got laid off because of funding , but I actually really enjoyed that job as well and I would have never left had it not been for the layoff . But , needless to say , you know , I did have to find another job now in both jobs .

So I went from one job where one manager was one way , and then I went to the other job where the manager was a diff another way , and in both cases I feel like God was working on me on learning how to handle situations of that matter .

Right , I had to learn something out of both of those situations , and what I learned was the type of manager or supervisor I would never want to be . I learned what I would never want to be , and I learned about how I would want to treat people who were working either alongside me , under me or whatever . I knew that I wanted to be able to trust them .

Okay , so I ? That was the lesson that I had to learn . I had to learn that I needed to be mindful of other people , okay , and so , like I said , I didn't learn how to , you know , try to confront the situation , as uncomfortable as that was for me .

I had to learn how to come out of my comfort zone and really address the situation , and if I felt that it was not gonna go anywhere , then I needed to find the way to leave . But one thing for sure is I did not want to develop a victim mentality , because for a very long time , I had a victim mentality .

I did because I lived in a toxic marriage , and I developed a victim mentality because of the things that I was enduring within that marriage , right , and so I did not want to continue to live as a victim . If not , I wanted to be a victor and I wanted to be able to learn that lesson so that I could learn how to handle situations later on .

And so , with that being said , I'm having to go back and look at that , because I am at a new place in my life and I know that God has positioned me because eventually , I will be over people within my own business . You know , I don't have a business just so that I could be a solo act in this business .

I have a business that I wanted to grow , but I wanted to grow the way God needs it to grow , and I know exactly the type of boss or CEO or supervisor that I want to be . And I want to have an atmosphere where people can be creative .

I want people to be able to think outside of the box , to pour in their ideas , and I want to be able to look at those ideas right . And I want also to people to love each other and work together . And maybe for some hearing this message , you probably say , yeah , that's a fantasy world , because that doesn't exist . But why not ?

Why couldn't we have something like that exist ? Why can't we create that type of atmosphere ?

And I think there are places like that , because I have been in workplaces like that where we had genuinely a respectful workplace and we laughed , we cried together , we enjoyed working with each other , and I'm not going to say that it was always perfect , because it wasn't .

There were moments that were uncomfortable , but what we did learn was we learned how to work together , how to speak to one another , how to respect one another , how to be transparent with each other , and just really coming together in a place where we would say you know what , right now I'm feeling this way .

Maybe , let's , you know , take our time , pray about it and then let's come back together , okay , and so that is one of the ways that we were able to deal with it . And so , with that being said , you know , we would take things in prayer and we would pray that deceitfulness , self-centeredness , jealousy or any other factor causing mistreatment to be removed .

Right , we wanted that to be removed , and I'm going to , you know , pray for any of you right now that perhaps , if you're going through something like that right now , that all of those things be removed from that workplace , ask for the elimination of feelings of anger , frustration and revenge , because we're human .

We're human and don't get me wrong , there's going to be moments that , you know , in the moment , I'm going to be heated up , I'm going to feel angry , I'm going to feel frustrated , I'm going to feel revengeful , and there's nothing wrong with being angry , y'all , okay , it's not a sin to be mad . It's not a sin to be angry .

Heck , jesus was angry at times , right , but it's how we deal with the situation is whether is going to determine the sin .

Okay , if we're going to retaliate , if we're going to have revenge on somebody , if we're going to try to throw somebody under the bus because we're frustrated or we're mad because of the way we got treated , then that's where the sin is going to take place . And so , right there , things are going to go even worse , okay .

So what you don't want to do is address a situation in the moment of feeling anger , frustrated , like , don't you know , you don't want to send out a nasty email , right ? Or you don't want to lash out at somebody .

Sometimes it's going to take us to be the bigger person and you're probably saying well , mariana , I've already been the bigger person and I'm tired and I'm frustrated . You know , sometimes I just got to let loose . Hey , I've been there . I've been there , but nine times out of 10 , when I've been there , it didn't go the way it needed to go .

Okay , so I'm just saying I've been there and you know , and get the strength to portray the fruit of the spirit , you know , to your coworkers , including those who mistreat you , and that means being patient , being gentle , being forgiving . That's hard .

That's hard because you don't want to forgive that person , you want to be mad at that person and you want that person to just go to wherever right , where the sun don't shine sometimes . And so I mean , guys , listen , you're not alone on this , you're not . It's going to take time , it's going to take patience .

You know , treating people at work with the fruit of the spirit can have a profound impact and might even change their lives . So sometimes we have to be that light , sometimes we have to be the bigger person and let God do the avenging for us .

You know God's going to allow for them to feel the conviction in their heart , and so what we want to do is we want to be able to pray that they are convicted in their heart for the things that they're doing , that God will expose that , because that's one of the things that you know , that I've learned in my life is that if we can expose , we can expose

ourselves and bring it forth to the light . Nothing , there's nothing anybody can do that's going to harm us or touch us , right , because the enemy will no longer have that foothold on to us . And that's the beauty of all of this and that's why I said I'm not afraid to share my story .

You know , god's going to open that door regardless , and I've learned that time and time and time again and don't get me wrong , there were times that I'd be nervous , I'd be fearful .

I've learned time and time again , because God has proven himself faithful throughout my whole life journey , that he will open the doors that he wants to have opened , and so I'm going to believe in that for you . I hope that you're not getting mistreated at work .

I hope that you're not getting mistreated in your life , but if you are , if you are , know that there are steps that you can take . So , amigas , I'm so glad that you got to spend this time with me this evening .

I pray that , if this message has blessed you in any way , that you will share this message with your friends , with your coworkers , if need be , with you know , your family members . Whatever the case may be , I pray that you will share this message and let it impact others as well . Don't forget to subscribe to this , don't forget to share this .

Please leave me a review . It's always , you know , really nice when I see those reviews , because it really does lift up my spirit as well . So thank you so much , amigas , for all that you're doing , and until next Wednesday .

If you are hearing this message , you've listened to the entire episode and for that I want to say me gracias from the bottom of my heart . If you would like to dive deeper into today's message and would like to connect with me , send me DM on Instagram , at olamamiyonamission , or Facebook at Mamiyonamission . You can also find me at Mamiyonamissioncom .

I hope you've enjoyed this new episode and , if you did , it would mean the world to me If you would subscribe , share this podcast and leave me a review on Spotify and Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen to your podcast . Tune in next week for some more words of motivation , inspiration and encouragement on Mamiyona Mission Podcast .