You're listening to I'm a mea podcast.
Hello and welcome out louders. This isn't quite like a usual show. But I am here with one Clus Stevens, Hello, one Emily Vernham. We are not really here are What are you doing? What are you doing?
I am in or on the morning.
Yeah, so that's where Claire is right now as you're listening to this what what are you doing?
I'm recovering from playing to all at the pub. Might come in tomorrow, might not.
I have got a house full of guests, women and children only and dogs, women and children only at my house. So that's what I'm doing today. But we thought, since this is only a holiday for some bits of Australia and most of Australia actually just going about their business like normal, that you did deserve an episode even though ourselves and our team are on a break today. So what we've done is we've pulled a conversation out of
our outluder's group, which is what we do. Love to do that because you're always having the best conversations in there. They're so smart they are and Facebook, and we thought we would pull out a question in there that really grabbed us and unpick it because the out louders wanted to unpick this one too, right, it's about family group chats. Who wants to read it out?
I can read it out, okay, The out louder writes, I have three beautiful and amazing kids twenty one, nineteen and sixteen. Two are studying away from home, and the third is enduring conversation cards at dinner and board games with the parentals. He actually loves it. I hate it, she says, I really enjoy this this week, I have demanded the following from my family as I'm sick of the disconnect. We are a close family unit, but all kind of suck at social media, reaching out and the
whole general connecting thing. So new regime. Each Sunday, we are all required to text the family group chat our weekly highs and lows. This was once a nightly ritual in our home around the dining table and an amazing conversation stata. Everyone has to include three picks from their week. Anything is acceptable. No explanations are required, but follow up questions do need to be answered. This will evolve. I'm sure we're calling it the Sunday Roast. If you have
any ideas, inclusions, improvements, objections, Please share. That is from our out louder Lee. It sparked such a good conversation and got us thinking about how we keep group chats alive. M Do you have a family group chat?
I do have a family group chat. I'm the most active person in our family group chat. Sometimes I'll message what parents do this thing where they talk to each other in the family group chat. So they use a family group chat for all types of communications. So my dad at milk literally, my mum will be like, I'm at the station, can someone pick me up?
And Dad?
We all know what it's gonna be that that's like I'll be there and then I'm like, okay, waiting for you, dad, five minutes away. Okay, I'm standing near the bus. So I mean my sister like, my phone is pinging.
It's like, that's a separate conversation, separate conversation.
Step us back of it. Have you always had a family group chat or is it a new thing? Because this is the thing that's interesting in the way that this all unfolded in here. There's lots of people like I hate family group chats, or I don't have one, or I do have one or whatever? Have you always had one since you've left home?
Kind of yeah, I can't remember a time where I didn't have one. I've always had one since I've had phones, since me and my sister have had phones. And it's not we don't have like full conversations on there. It's more just a we're hosting dinner tonight, are you guys free tonight? This thing is happening tomorrow. Does anyone want to come to this game with us? We're getting tickets. And I think that's mainly because me and my sister live very close with our parents, So I see my
parents physically. Like the longest I've been away from not seeing them is it's been two weeks unless we're traveling or something otherwise I see them all the time. My mom works close to me. I always ask her if she wants to have lunch. She always says no because she's really busy. But my parents aren't big Texters. My dad's more of a call guy. Oh he loves calling, and my mom's more like in person interactions very quickly. Yeah, So I think it's when I read this, on a
normal week, you would see them? How many times I would see my mom at least twice a week. I would see my dad probably once to two weeks.
And in the and then you're also messaging in the group chat.
Yeah.
Do you directly message your mom separately too, yeah? And all of them yeah yeah. And do you have another family group chat that's a bit broader.
Yeah.
And then I have my I have my on my mom's side, like my aunt's uncles, like my dad's there, and my cousins, and that's mainly talking about like Nana and Papa when he was alive, and communications about who's seeing her, who's picking her up, who pretty much, who has her that weekend. And then I have my extended cousin's chat, and then my cousin's chat on my dad's side, and then my cousin's chat on my grandfather's side, and my cousin's chat on my grandmother's side.
What happens in the cousin's chats.
Oh, it's just like, well, I'm really lucky. I'm really lucky because me and my cousins are all the same age. So it's like who's coming out tonight, who's drinking tonight, let's go out? Is anyone going to this uncle's birthday party, yes or no. So it's a lot of like, let's make sure we're on the same page. What the what does cocktailer tire mean? Can someone send me photos or
what they're wearing to the wedding? A lot of that, And then I have just a chat with my nana, which is her accidentally calling me and then me replying going, hey Nana, did you call? I missed it. I'm sorry, and then her just not responding.
She's a lot of family communication.
It's a lot, but like I think I'm one of that family that's a lot of communication. The thing is, I actually bristled at this post because if I had to be forced to do type of group chat activity like this, I think I'm the type of person that would immediately tap out. That's too much for me. We're already doing.
What we really upset, like, not your mum, but this because she's just trying to make She's trying to hold the family together. That's what's going on here, is that she is trying to hold the family together while they're all off doing different thing.
And I guess she's making it easier by making it. Yeah, like it's not taking too much time out of your day. But sometimes, and I think about this with a lot of my group chats. Sometimes I'm really active and really into it, and sometimes I don't touch it for two weeks, and I think if I had to have another thing on my list just to communicate with family, that would make me really annoyed.
We tried to do this in one of my friendship group chats because we live all over Australia, all over the world, and we did it where it would be a voice note and yeah, to say what the highlight and low light of the week was me now, But it ended up being like a six minute voice note from my friend who I do or who lives in Western Australia, and he'd be like, I found a possum, and I'm like, I just.
I care.
I care, But the obligation to respond to like each element of him finding a possum.
And also voice notes and I know we've talked about this before, but they drive me crazy because I'm always doing things and I look down and go, someone send me a voice note. I'm doing things. I can't listen to that, whereas if they've written me something, I can just read it.
Which can I say is so fucking indulgent of us to not listen to other people's voice notes, Like I'm sorry, We'll just record hours of podcasting a week that some of our friends listen to it, and then they send me a voice note. I'm like, ew, Like, I think it's.
Rude to send a voice note because I think it says stop what you're doing and listen to this. I've got friends who do it, and I'm like, I just want to like, oh, we're having dinner tonight, and they answer me with a voice note, and I'm like, well, that now you've given me a job.
You know why people do voice notes? I can't screenshot it more.
The ones the voice notes that you do over text disappear once somebody's listened to them, which can become confusing if I wasn't concentrating the first time. But but no, I've had people where they're telling me gossip and I'm like, oh, that's quite clever.
Actually, all right, anyway, as bartas there, So I can't even imagine how many family group chats you're in. How many family group chats are you in?
Okay, so, like m got like both sides of the family. Like, so I've got my husband's family group chat absolutely dead, no vibe there, sorry guys. And then my family group chat, which is mostly mum sharing things with no context her favorite thing and what you say am about people going back and forth, whereas it's like this needs to be a private conversation mum's favorite thing and I've never got this off my chest, but it really really upsets me.
If you're trying to find her, say, she's like, I've come to the park or I'll meet you at this place. Her way of communicating where she is is not say, sharing her location, that would be a good idea. She takes a photo of what she can see. Just think about that for a minute. It is so unhelpful, and so our family group just like a tree when you're in a forest, it's full of like someone else's car and you're like, I that is soone helped.
She's like, work hard to fight.
She's like, this is my perspective that I can see, so find me here. So it's just a lot of that and a lot of what the hell to.
Find my friend's thing is tricky though, because me and my sister have both of our parents and find my friends, but they don't have each other. So a lot of our group chat is dad messaging us going, girls, can you please track your mum's phone? She's lost it again? Like this, stop pring into your marriage problem.
They don't believe in tracking because anyway, I love it.
But yeah, so my family, my husband's family, mum's extended family has actually had to become a Facebook group because there are too many of it. No, seriously, mums one of seven and they all have kids, and so it's a Facebook grip. You've got to make a public post. You got to make a public post when you have a baby, You've got to make a public post when you've got some big life news. And it actually goes off and over the years because it's existed for a while.
There are a lot of people who are not part of the family, who are in the family groul exes yet no, like some members of the other side of the family, or like just just cont some of my mum's friends who are like, I'm interested in what your family's do.
You know what boomers love to do add people to groups.
Okay, I'm going to represent the portion of the lessoners who are not group chat people. Yeah, because I have a family group chat with my family who live in England because that's where my family live. Hardly anything ever happens in there. Every now and again, I'll be like, it'll be like my brother ran a marathon, woop, and everyone goes yay, and I'll be like Matilda kicked a goal yeay woo. But it's not like a back and forthy kind of thing. It's more like a notice board.
But I think it's the one who's away, which is you has to take ownership of the group, and you're not doing that.
I think the problem with family group chat dynamics for most people is that different generations don't understand group chat dynamics. So if I just went in there with like lolls like watching this show or taking the piss out of something or posting memes, my mom and dad would be so confused. They always feel like they have to respond to everything you post. They would then have to go down a rabbit hole to try and understand what I'm talking about. Like they're smart people, don't get me wrong,
but they're not. We don't live in the same realities, you know what I mean, So it wouldn't work. But then and then I have a family group chat with my literal family who live in my house that the children refuse to participate. And they're only bloody fourteen and six thirteen and sixteen, and they're like, nah, this is lame, thet it. They don't do WhatsApp. They don't like it.
I don't know.
But why are you doing WhatsApp with your kids because it's where the group chat lives.
Oh no, no, no, that's your first mistake. Can I definitely do that?
But like so, group chat isn't a big language in my world in the same way. And even my friend group chats and me I would always call me out about this. I'm not very I don't like No, you know, I don't really like it. Like I It's not my preferred form of communication. So are you a lurker?
I don't even think you work.
I hardly look. Oh, like, where are your group chats?
The group chat is on I message? Oh so just like a text yes, so if you have Android people in your family, they're not in.
The group chat. They don't need it. No therefore, Oh but it's it just the usability. Yeah, No, I don't like that.
That stresses me because I'm doing a text message I do like a Facebook message. That's the only good thing about Facebook is messenger, Instagram messages, Instagram dms, and you can also do like you can hide them so like they can.
Disappear and understand how complicated that is for a boomer.
And I love. Something I love is giving a group chat a name, like like I really enjoy that and how it evolves over time and then you look at it and you're like, where on earth did that name come from?
But it's but it's a vibe.
Yeah, Holly, yeah, your contribution to group I'm not.
I'm not really a big group chat. Lots of people aren't. And that was what came up in this thread, right, It's like some people love a group chat. It's also very convenient for a way to communicate with your family, but like, not everybody just loves the vibe of it or gets into the sort of competitive nature of like who can find the best things for it? And then that leads to the question of how you do keep
everybody together? Because what you've got a lot of in this thread, and it's also in the show that I recommended Women, which is about midlife women, there's a lot of sort of sadness about how communication with your adult kids can just fade, and it really can. Like you two are both from very close families, so you probably can't even imagine it. But there are plenty of women in particular who are like, my son hasn't called me for three weeks, you know, like, oh, hasn't texted, or
I don't know what's going on. I don't really have any insight into their world. And this isn't the case for this woman who wrote this message, but I understand
the impetus of like trying to make it happen. So what she's trying to do, and there are lots of other good ideas in this thread, is like, if I create like a structure, which is every Sunday, we all have to jump in in the same way that literally, since I left home when I was nineteen, me and I call my mum every Sunday night, Like wherever I'm in the world, we have a once weekly call, which now just seems so obviously we text and stuff in between that. But she's trying to create that but in
a group chat environment. But it also kind of fundamentally misunderstands the energy of a group chat, right, which is more chaotic.
Yes, And I think you're right. Some people are group chat people and some people aren't. And it's not necessarily a sign of how invested someone is in maintaining a relationship, like whether or not they're up to date with that. There are other ways to go about maintaining those relationships. As I said, my my husband's family's.
Group chat is a miserable place to be. It's just nothing happening.
But it is interesting that as an adult you realize that you have to put the same effort into maintaining your connections with your siblings and with your parents as you do any other social career.
It's true.
So Rory's thing is we need to plan regular like like once a year we go away together. And the thing is that you find as you get older is you can so easily not do that. But when somebody does it, when somebody just does the initiative and plans it, everybody comes, it's bloody amazing. So there are different ways of doing it. The other thing I wanted to bring to this conversation that I think will really piss.
Off probably be could I just add one thing? Yeah, the most active person in our family group chat is my niece, Lyla, who's twenty one, oldest daughter. It's an oldest daughter thing, oldest daughter, and she's great and she's always posting in there. But then this is an example of why you can't have the kurda keategy. She was at the brit Awards. It was in Manchester and she's at UNI doing events planning, so some of them got
to go. She's this for from Harry starts doing his dance and she knew that would really excite me, So of course she puts straight in the group chat like a little video of do you think my mom knew who that was?
That was?
So then we've got fourteen like where's Lila?
Who's that persona?
I'm going to google him? Oh he seems like a nice guy.
What do you think of the top?
I'm like, this isn't just my mom, who's amazing. But it's like, that's not what group chats are now. It's supposed to just be like, oh I can't believe you're there, you know, or whatever, or like is he in a stupid little smile or whatever?
Yeah, but you know what I mean. If you're not in the vibe, it doesn't work anyway.
Sorry, you're derailing the conversation. So this is what will piss you off. I came across this excellent article in its publication called Expert Editor. Anyway, I hadn't seen it before, but it was a really good article, and the headline was, and I'm not saying that this is the experience of our out louder who's asking for advice, but it really got me thinking that the headline was, I worked fifty hour weeks for thirty five years so my kids could
have a better life. Now they live in different cities, and I eate dinner alone. And it was about there's this great quote that said true that said, I know, that said have you ever noticed how we measure success in distance? How far we've come from where we started, how far our kids fixated, our achievements. Maybe the real measure should be proximity. How close we stayed to the people who mattered. Oh, how present we were in the
moments that shaped them. And this guy, this dad, was basically saying, we text regularly with video call on birthdays, we meet up for holidays when our schedules a line, but the daily rhythm of family life. I was working toward that disappeared while I was busy working. I mean firstly that like you know that I could for a week. Yeah, that hit me because I was like spending all my time at home, which is not the point. But here's the thing.
This is the tricky thing about that, right, because you're of course he's right, like if your family don't live near you, and if you're not particularly close and or I mean and when I say close, I mean physics close. But also you know, then the reality is you will have kids, they will grow up, they will move away, and you won't be spending every day with them. And
is that a failure? Like I think that is a that's sort of like a cultural perspective about whether or not that's a failure because what I take from that, and obviously this is partly my own life experience, but also is that as a parent, I think you cannot hank put every egg in your kids basket. You know what I mean, Like the people who really struggle when their kids move away and or they've retired or whatever it is, is that that was everything and now it's not.
Whereas if you've got lots of other things going on in your life. It's like my kids love me, but I'm only going to see them three times a year because they live in Queensland.
And maybe success's okay, success as a parent is that your kids are so busy living their own lives and so independent that that is a struggle to keep things going and keep a relationship going via messages and all of that.
But I don't think it's also like what your experience was that affects that, because when I look at my kids, and I know, I already get teary thinking about the fact my daughter's so close to you know, sort of independence, but I just assume that they will live far away from me. It never even curs to me that they would live around the corner. And who knows what they'll decide to do. Maybe they will live around the corner, but that would be weird for me, and I would
love it, but that would be you know what I mean. Yeah, so much of this is all about your own cultural experience too.
Anyway, please can exactly, but I just thought it was I just thought it was interesting that maybe a lot of people find and I'm thinking the same thing that like, you want to push kids and you want them to like the idea of kids living overseas and all of that is incredible, And then but then I'm like, oh, you kind of have to sacrifice that proximity and impromptu
family dinners or whatever it is. And the group chats are the way that we maintain it in twenty twenty six, But I don't think it necessarily brings that feeling of closeness that people might be craving. So my point is, sometimes you got to see people in real life.
If you've got great ideas out louders of how to stay in touch with families and how to use group chats best, tell us, because I think we all want to share them because it is Holiday Monday for us, although not for all of you. I know, we thought we'd throw in some extra recods and a bit weird recos like not necessarily books, TV shows, but things we can't stop thinking about, etc. Who wants to go for.
I can go first, Both of you know. I'm on my hobby grind. I'm trying to find a hobby.
I love that it's a grind. It's really hard.
It's really stressed. My hobby is being stressed out about what hobby I want to have on I've been reading this substack called Keepsake by Juliana Sealguero, and it's one of those substacks that's kind of like a magazine, like it's beautiful, it's perfectly curated. She does a lot of collages. It's very nice to look at. She does this thing called Monthly tens, so in her notes app every month she'll write ten things she wants to do that month,
and then the purpose of it. She writes ten things to do if I feel like it, and without any consequences if I don't. And she does things like she on her list, She'll have kiss someone, read three books, pick a flower, meet a dog, write a letter. So I think it's about little things in your day to day that can make you more observant about the nice things that you're doing, a bit gratitudy, but without calling it, which is actually what I liked about the out louder
dilemma we had. Like I do think it's really nice to recognize your highs and lows of the week or the day. And I feel like this list she does, it's the one thing that I've been able to do and kind of stick to.
It's the without any conceptions, so that makes two different everything off.
What's on your list for this month? Okay, May? From May, it's around the corner, have lunch with my nana. Oh, go for a late night walk, get Nana out of the group, chat, mount my TV onto my wall. It's been on a bench for two years. But no consequences if you don't.
No consequences. Read a book, any book. I just want to read one book. Visit a farmer's market, buy a birthday dress. It's my birthday in May. Make for Kasha and let's be honest. That one's if you do.
You got to bring some of.
How to do that. Recently, I'll show you that I have. Try a new cocktail. Come behind that one. That's a great one.
Go out for Korean barbecue and go for a walk in the rain.
Oh my god, it's so romantic.
I love though. And it's kind of like goals slash future slash excitement, but without.
And I can feel like really small, like say hi to my neighbor.
The other thing that's funny is because I know what Clare Stevens is about to recommend this, Like, couldn't be more different.
About my stage. Actually, yes.
Are very evident, which is the whole thing.
So I saw this Instagram reel by a creator called Melissa Lawler and it was about micro holidays, and I'm obsessed and can't stop thinking about my own. Here's what she said.
It's so interesting.
My top five micro holidays as a mum. Number one, in my opinion, the greatest. The goat is the car walk around. That is, after you click your kids into their car set, You've got about five to seven seconds of walking around the back of the car till you get in the driver's site and the air never smelt so sweet. You can breathe, it's quiet. I put this in number one because you can have multiple of these
a day. Now, shower something explanatory. I like to say the amount of time that your partners taking in the toilet in the morning. Double that that's your shower time.
Okay, wow, it just I saw this and I was like, oh my gosh, it's so true and it's really reframed certain things. One thing for me that's a great micro holiday. Doctors appointment, amazing turn up and I'm like, I could be in the mouth dives over here.
Eva's like try a new cocktail, go for a walk in the.
Rain, You're like, oh, I get to go to the doctor, and I'm like, wow, Claire, that's really cool.
I literally was like, I wonder if at this point giving birth, giving birth will feel like a holiday, Like we'll feel like a micro holiday.
I'm like, wow, I get to like, maybe you can put your micro holidays as like your ten and then we can compare a list.
Yeah, I'll be like I had a really long shout, but my other one is getting into bed at night and just scrolling for our It's really about it's not a micro holiday, but getting into bed at night and being like, ah, the day is done. I'll take a moment for myself and three hours later I have ruined my life.
That's what you need.
So, yeah, let us know your micro holidays. I'd love to.
It's so funny. The thing I can't stop thinking about is how smart out louders are with eggplants. So on the weekend, God, it's gonna be some gardening pick. I picked an egg plant. I grew some eggplants. Picked one, right, do they get yours? Big? Well, I've got two? Is it palic? I have two guys that have the skinny long Lebanese ones. And then the big eggie ones, right, I picked a big eggie one. I was like, well, I'm not gonna have real fun with this audience, I know.
I was like, what do I do with this? Like?
What about?
What are we doing with eggplant?
Right?
And I thought my options were probably like rattatui, maybe a babaganosh Are you fucking kidding me? What the outluders can do with eggplants? I now have a list as long as my arm. And the top player on this list is Nagi. Of course, yeah, because Nagi rules and the out louder is a Naggi intersection is strong. Yes, Miso eggplant. So do you know what I did? This is the piss ofs easiest recipe ever. So that's why
I can't stop thinking about it. I cut my eggplant in half, crisscross with a knife, criss cross, right, but just so it's still together. You brush on olive oil, and you brush on some miso paste and then you just put that shit in the oven and you just leave it. Go about your day, Go and have a cocktail or a walk in the rain, Just walk around
your car sometime. Go back free the eggplant half an hour, forty minutes, whatever, that like the longer the better, mushy soft, because you know the problem with eggplant is off Well maybe you don't, but it's like can be spongy and yucky, mushy delicious. Oh oh my god, I'm going to share what the out lout haers tell me to do with egg plants. But that is what I can't stop thinking about. You're alone of very smart bitches, and we appreciate you. We hope whether you've got a holiday today or not,
you had a great day. We'll be back in your ears. What Wednesday, Yeah, well maybe Tuesday with Mia yeah. Otherwise Wednesday, yeah, and we love you.
Bye bye