Introducing... The Baby Bubble

the earnestness of parenting as a thing we do. And then we talk about Mama's very patronizingly and I don't like the word bub Look, we have done a whole series of the baby Bubble about the fourth trimester, everything from how we're doing feeding wrong and how we're doing

feeding wrong in unique ways. Yeah, there are new mistakes to be made, always how to tell people to get the fuck out of your house because the village can be a little bit annoying, and the like, how our partners we didn't notice how incompetent they were until now. Until now, So we do discuss that, we cover everything, but just a warning, this is not a parenting advice podcast.

Do we do an advice column. Yeah, is it helpful exclusively? Not? So. Look, if you want to expert advice, literally, go to anyone, As we say, go to the woman at the bus stop. She's got something to say. We don't. So here is the first episode for you to have a listen to, and there's a link in the show notes to find out more. Have a listen, and we hope you enjoy. Hey, I was just thinking, you know how they say sleep in the baby sleep's best advice ever, because I hadn't

thought of that when the baby was sleeping. I was, I don't know, running a marathon while my badge is falling out my buttole. But you know how they say sleep while the baby sleeps. Do you think that we should podcasts rather than baby podcasts? Or do you think that we should die emails while the baby does for theiry males, how about cooking while the baby cooks? And we should just have a bath and a glass of wine when a baby has a path and a glass of wine.

look is she's hilarious. It's funnier than I thought, and funny things have happened. Yeah, And I don't think we acknowledge enough the funny because we're very busy with the earnest glare pop quiz. Will it be helpful? Absolutely not. Do you have any tips about a baby with a chronic fighting condition? No, but I would love some because

Matilda she doesn't stop farting. She doesn't And I'm always like, oh, she's done a pool and You're like, no, no, no, She's just constantly covered and you can see like a green cloud of fings. She's in a waft of fight. Today is all about the experience of meeting this alien you've been growing inside you for frankly too long. At any point that you give birth, it's been too long, far, far,

far too long. Before you have a baby. You're told that the moment you meet the human who's been using your chicken nuggets to grow hair and your donuts to grow knees is going to be nothing short of magical, and for a lot of women it absolutely is. They go, oh my gosh, look at my beautiful, little, scrumptious darling potato. But There's one thing no one talks about enough, and it's this. When your baby is born, you've literally never

met who the fuck are you? They're looking up at you with the eyes they grew from your hot chips, and you're like, I don't want to be rude, but where did you come from? It's a very what's your deal? You're very trying to work each other out, so you're looking at them being like, what are your interests? Yeah? What are your values? Yeah? What are you going to bring to this family? Yes? And also what do you think of me? Yeah? Am i it? Do you like Mama?

Do you like me? And also who are you? Broadly like, It's fine, honestly, it's fine. Don't personally know who are no all, but it's like we're suddenly incredibly close for two people who have known each other all of three seconds in that you came out of my body and now you seem to be squirming actively towards my breast. Yeah, yeah you know. Yeah, Jesse, can you give us your birth story in three sentences and then tell me what

your vibe was of Luna? I was thinking of presenting it like a Google review, okay, because like Google reviews, four. Yeah high. Google review would recommend would say fab vibe pushing not as bad as I expected. Oh you're one of those, yes, but too long. So on my feedback form, I would just say sure to please. I vibed Luna from the beginning, and I think that was because of her sensibly sized head. Okay, the circumference was reasonable, absolutely reasonable,

so it didn't hurt that much. I mean I also got an epidural. Like you know, Luna was very like puffy from all the flue she was. She was. It's very You look back and you go, that's not my baby. She was swapped. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, because she looks completely different.

do oppternity test. No, okay, great point, because the midwife, they do make a point of saying, oh, daddy's eyes, daddy's eyes. Yeah, So the dad doesn't go, what the heck? Yeah, and charged out. Dad certainly doesn't see the resemblance. The dad's shocked at what they're saying. Because Purple and Bigley Claire, I want to hear your Google review please. Okay, I would say probably just in terms of birth, yeah, not in terms of baby love baby, Yeah, but birth two

and a half stars. Maybe I would think less, Yeah, no, maybe less. I was trying to be nice. Okay. It was fuked in that it went for almost two full days and I birthed after having not slept four three nights. Yeah, like the same. Yeah, baby got stuck. Yeah, and then she panicked and she came in what can only be described as a frenzy involving a she has a prolonged fear of vacuums. Yeah, she says it, and she's like

gonna wakerom my haird Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I tried to embrace some of the principles of like calm and hypno birth during my yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, But then I was like, I refuse to remain calm ye use yes, And it was very so much energy to remain calm. No, and it's like I'd rather cry and kind of just

vaguely yell. And I remember saying to you, oh, I meant to be relaxing my muscles, and they say, relax your mouth because your mouth matches your yeah pelver, so you meant to like relax your tongue and all of that. But I was so tense, and I kept telling myself, oh, why don't you just relax? But yeah, why can't I relax? And in hindsight, it's because I was in an inordinate amount of yeah, And so I don't like the idea

that I meant to relax when I can't. But Matilda's vibe was very who she is now, which is a drama. Which is the drama?

eyes of the baby. Oh wow, because they've come out, which can you imagine? Can you imagine? So dark? So goody? Who the fuck are you? Firstly? Yeah? Why is it so dry out here? Yeah? Get your hands off me? And can sh everyone shut up? Everyone stopped talking to me. That's very loud. There's a lot of fuss that I came from a place of zero fuss. I came from the before land, where it was dark. Maybe there was a white noise machine on. There wasn't all this fuss.

I wasn't doing much except every now and then I'd play with a bit of cord. I would I'd play with a bit of cord because we did learn in fact that with the umbilical cord they can do a party trip where they grab the cord, squeeze it, limit their oxygen supply, have a faint wake back up, and that's kind of the way that you pass time in utero. A lot of fun it's a lot of fun and apparently the obs can see it. And Matilda sucked her thumb in uro, so that was also one of her tricks.

She went, this is fun. And then when they come out, apparently you know how you hear so many facts that you lose sense of what made up. I think I've made up a lot. But something to do with the milk smells like something in the uterus, so that's why they kind of gravitate towards it. So it's cute that they're placed on you. How can you smell through wet? Great question. They're very a fish. They're very a fish

like and because this is what I don't understand. So in utero, yeah, we were convinced that they had I told someone that was confidence. I was like, oh no, no, no, they have gills and they come out and they don't Yeah, the gills close up. Yeah, But she didn't have girls, or if she did, I couldn't see that. No, And so I think Matilda was quite a fish. She was very a fish who had been in the water and then comes out and wriggles and wriggles and he's like,

get me off this fishing line. And in this case, a fishing line was a vacum. Yeah, but she's like, I can't breathe. I can't breathe. And then they had to close her gills. They know they did have to close her Yeah, and just demonstrate breathing. Because what happened as well when your Matilda came out. If she came out and Rory was asked to cut the billin cook cord, and he was very this is a bit gross, This is a bit y, This is a bit yuck because I don't know, it's like funny color. Yeah, and they

were like emergency cut. Now he couldn't decide whether he wanted to cut the cord, yeah, because he's very square and so he would it be to consider what you want in this moment. But he also be grossed out by anything. Yeah, it's like you want to be grossed out. I don't know where my butt hole begins an end, my vagina begins and ends, and I am covered in what can broadly be described as labor us labor, labor. It looks and smells like labor. My sense of being

grossed out. She has pood, Probably I have pood. There is a mixture of poop and I feel no shame, just exhausted. Her poop is my poop. I'm her, she is me. But they kind of gave Rory the scissors and he clearly was trying to make it a moment and they're like, this is an emergency. Either cut it or don't fucking cut it. And he was like, boom took her? Ah Madilda, always the drama, all right, Clare, quick true or false? Does this baby item exist poop?

In case the smell isn't a strong enough clue than what it is is, it will remind you that there's a need for a nappy change with a sound and a blinking led light. Wait, how does it tell? I don't know, Claire, I'm not a fucking engineer. Okay, okay. I think there are natural pooper arms. I think the people arms your sense of smell and also your eyesight, and also the rolling avalanche, cascade waterfall of shit going down in between your baby's toes. I think that's an

absolutely excellent pooper arm. There is such a thing as a poopol arm. Okay. That is when we've gone too far with the baby merch, then you've got a baby. It is weird that you've just had the most intense experience of your life. And then everyone leaves. So there's all this drama, drama, drama. There's a lot of people in the room, and then all of a sudden, it's you in bed with this weird weey cot next to you with a fish in it, with a fish in it,

and it's a bit are you right, mate? Are you right? Are you with the right place? Are you right? There was a lot of drama, and now you appear to be sleeping soundly, whereas I am dealing with drama soundly. But also, can you shut the fuck up? What are those? Yeah? This mommy and daddy trying to sleep. You made a fuss, you took too long. Now everyone's trying to sleep. You know how you don't give them a bath for a while? Yeah, for like days, people come in and I had people

come in and meet Lunar. I don't know, like an hour after she was born. I didn't know whether that was like koash or not. It just happened, and people like, oh, she's so sweet and like holding her own stuff and kissing her right, And I'm like, I don't care about you kissing her. That's fine, that's play. On, but she doesn't had a bath. No, she's covered in what I would have described as vagina juice broadly wet, not only

vagina juice, organ juice. She's covered in my internal organs. Yeah. Yeah, and like they just wiped her down very briefly, very briefly. There was no as far as I know, pan sanitizer. Why doesn't she smell more? That's what I thought? Yeah, and she didn't. She smell quite lovely. Yeah, I remember, yeah, having Matilda on me, and look, I mean she did pooh on a way out, so there was that as a separate thing, a new baby. The fuck is pooh? I've never done it. I don't know what, but it

sticks all of me. It's on me, and it's not being wiped up by the fluid around me. No, they don't pooh in the uterus, think about it. They do their first. If they poo in the womb, you have to emergency give birth. How do they pooh? I think the umbilical course, through the umbilical corse. Yeah, did you think that they were just randomly wii? Do they wei in their little side? I don't fucking know. I think they we in their sack. I think they're swimming in

their wi. I think they're drinking their week okay, but if they're pooping in their sack, why do they poop? They only poop on their way out. Why because it's their body's way of being, Like I'm born. Okay, but it's a lot, and you're like, okay, you just have a sleep all bleed all over the hospital. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, all over my sheets and stuff.

I'm standing up and there is blah blah coming outba coming out, and you are so peaceful, You are so peaceful. I mean, there's so much that I'm going through, baby, so peaceful, like, Oh, don't worry, mom, I'm fine. Well you're not because you're gonna scream for You're gonna scream for milk soon, and you're gonna scream because you do not understand why you are in the world. No, you want to be back, And everything about how you interact with your newborn is about making them feel like they're

still in the womb. Yes, swaddle them really tight and not too much light and white noise, everything to replicate it. Yeah, and I was sorry, what was the point in burning? Yeah, if you just want to be in the womb, I mean that's fine, get back in. It's wide open. It wide open. You could go back. Yeah, you actually could, and you would probably cry less. You would cry less. I think what humans should have is like a kangaroo situation. Yeah. Yeah,

you birth, but then you've got a front pouch. Yeah, and baby just kind of stays in that pouch for another twelve weeks, Yeah, sucking up whatever from your skin. Maybe you have a breast on your stomach and they're just constantly Yeah at that, I go for it. And then by the time they emerge, they're actually they're a baby. Maybe they can walk, yeah, yeah, they're actually functional. They can certainly jump. I don't know if you had this experience,

but I kept saying, Luna is the easy bit. What was hard was being in bed and like I hadn't slept in days and days. What was hard was the tea you muffin? Was that biscuit? Would you like breakfast? It's eight o'clock. Do I fucking look like I would like to breakfast? How about lunch? It's midday? How about

afternoon tea? Afternoon tea is a meal for starters. And the problem with afternoon tea and morning tea and fucking six am t and dessert and stuff is that you then come and try and pick up things from my room that I never took. Yeah, so it's like I'm just collecting the tea you had. Well, I actually denied the tea because I've been trying to sleep. But you've been knocking on this door every fifteen minutes for four days.

And it's bizarre because you're already on the schedule of a tiny dictator who's gonna wake you up every three hours, it doesn't matter day night. They don't know, they don't know. And then finally you're getting a few hours sleep in the morning to your coffee I'm going to vomit everywhere I found tea or coffee. Way more annoying than Luna, genuinely, way more annoying than Luna. And then I remember this.

Luca took Luna just like up the ward for a little bit so that I could try and get some sleep, right, And he put a sign on the door. He said, let this bitch sleep. She is not making sense, okay, because I hadn't supped in days, and it's really hard because your adrenaline is really high, and I'm kind of just like drifting off, and I get knock knock, knocked, no no from the pediatrician. Where's your baby? Oh? I don't know. I walked away. I wanted to go baby,

what baby? Oh my god, I don't know where I put it. Can you check unt of the bit? I think I put it in my bag. Do you think she has find my friends? Have you tried calling her? Does she have an evil air tag? You should attach that when she's born? Try her air tag. I don't know where she went. I knew this, where's your baby? But then you've got this weird defensiveness about them. So a midwife came in. Matilda wasn't feeding properly. She was like,

I've got a sore head buckle, yeah, yeah, my head. Yeah, she's eating when you've got a headache exactly. So she wasn't feeding very well. And this midwife was like, she's very fussy. WHOA. Don't talk about my girl like that. You don't know her. And relatedly, I don't know her. Relatedly,

he doesn't know her. None of us know her. There was a midwife who came in and she criticized Rory, she criticized me, she criticized Matilda, and she walked out, and I said, you don't come in and shit on my family, okay, because she is the drama in her little crib. Only I may I may say that. Feelings about that, I remember all also thinking looking at Luna and being like, oh my goodness, she's inherited my slack chin.

Remember how I had a whole crass about that, and I messaged you and I said, I've always worried that I have a slack chin. I've quite an overbite, and I had a lot of dental work to correct it. But the thing about a baby is that they haven't had the dental work, so they come out the worst you. Yeah, no,

they come out very raw. They come out raw genetically, and it's like whatever you think you've hidden from your husband or your partner or anyone in your life about your own physical appearance, through die, through waxing, through fake tan, that baby comes out and it's like, have I mentioned my mum has an opigment? And I'm like, okay, so I'm actually translacent. And there's a lot of things that they look at and it's like, oh, that's a funny

face she's doing. And I'm like, I've been hiding that face that from me this whole time because she's got very slack chin. And I've said this since her hairline at the back it starts way too high. I'm like, yeah, I've never liked that hairline. And then I think it's just me being self deprecating, and then I look at her and I'm like, no, no, no, that's my genetics. Crap crap, crap crap.

happy baby. But then it gets to night time. He wakes up every two hours at least and takes a really long time to get settled. There are other babies in my mother's group who are already sleeping through the night. Is there a trick to turning a baby into a good sleeper? Should I be worried that he doesn't seem to even when it's nighttime? Jesse, do you have any advice? Yeah? Yeah,

I've got heaps. Okay, a few things. Firstly, I know this is obvious, but communication, so family counseling, seeing a therapist, chatting it out, because it doesn't sound like you've even tried with the communication. You're just plaining to us. Have you told him you want him to say exactly? I don't feel like you've told him the expectations, So you've got to set up your expectations. You've got to say seven o'clock bedtime. You've got to say ath after Yeah,

come on now seven till seven please? Absolutely, I thought you want to hang out? Oh sorry, sorry, can three am hang out? Five am hangout? No, doesn't want to hang out. The next one is he's had ten weeks to get it together for a long time. It's a long time, and I'm thinking about jetlag because he clearly has a big jet lag and jet lag doesn't take ten weeks for me two days. So he's over the jet lag period. He's taking the piers, he's taking the piss.

And that's where I come up with a solution. Okay. I did actually perform a little bit of research for this, because usually I would just into it. Yeah, but I was like, this is very serious. That's what all advice is based on, is VI. But I did actually do some googling. I looked up what is the exact opposite time zone of Australia, because I think moving there would work. Oh my gosh, that's so smart. So I don't know

why we're trying to change our baby. Yeah, just the baby's on the right pattern for Alaska, yes, for and I found it American Samoa. Oh, beautiful. It's a different place to Samoa. Allegedly it's called American Samoa. I didn't confirm. I never actually clicked to fully understand. But I don't know why more people don't just move to the time zone that would fit the baby suit the baby, Yes, because baby's set. Baby's like a computer. Yes. It's like when you get like a watch or a computer or

whatever that's like still two pm. Yeah, you're like, oh, it's not it's one am, and it's like, yeah, well your computer's set too Alaska. Your computer is set to Norway. And yeah. One thing is to change the computer. The other thing is to move to the place where it's set to so that the computer makes sense. And that's why I think with little Arthur, you need Arthur to make sense, you need Arthur to thrite. It's currently trying to fit a square peg that's Arthur into a round hole,

which is Australian time zone. So if you go to the other time zone, I would imagine that what will happen with Arthur is that he does sleep all the way through the night and he's a dream and then he's like up through the day, which is great. And are you in another country and you've got no support, you've lost your job. Yes, do you have accommodation? No? Is your baby sleeping? Probably not? Probably? Maybe he'll change. Yeah, boom, Well I've got some advice. Okay. I'd also say he's trolling.

He knows what he's doing. Yeah. Everybody acts like, oh babies, Oh, they don't know is crying for No, he knows. He goes, hey, mom, you sleep. Wow. It's manipulative. Wow. Yeah, form of torture. He says, hey, mom, let's hang out because I know you've got nowhere to be. Oh shit, you've got no there's no one around. And then he does He says, during the day, when there are people around, I will act like an angel so that you feel crazy. He's gas lighting her. Oh my god, he's gaslighting her, which

is a form of abuse. You should call the police. Oh my god, I've got it. Police. Go to court, Judge Judy. I don't want to look at you anymore. Go to Judge Judy and say I am being gas lit by baby. And the baby is fast asleep in their little being an angel, and then wakes up and smiles and then does a little bird and everyone giggles. And it's like, this is actually, this is what I mean. And then they show footage from the middle of the

night and it's like black and white and grainy. Yeah, wow yea head spinning three six years yeah, and Bailiff is like that's fucked yes so true yeah, and would come up with the sentence yeah yeah, which I think American Samoa. Yeah, you must move to the other side of the world where your baby will troll you somewhat less. We hope you enjoyed this episode of Baby Bubble, which it's definitely not a parenting advice podcast. If you like this episode, follow the Baby Bubble in your podcast app.

Next week, we take on the first shower, the first pooh, and an initiation into all this madness. We'd love it if you would share this podcast with your friends and leave a review wherever you get your podcasts. If you have a few minutes to complete our survey, there's a link in the show notes and you'll go in the running to win a fifty dollars gift. Boutch out to thank you for your time, and we'll see you next week. Bye bye.