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Hello, out louders, it is Jesse here. I am wishing you the marriest Christmas and happy Holidays to anyone who celebrates. Can you believe we are finally, finally here? The thing is, I don't know about you, out louders, but for some
people this day can be underwhelming or overwhelming. There's a lot of stress, there's a lot of work, there's a lot of chaos, there's a lot of family dynamics, which is why wait this time last year, my twin sister Claara and I sat down and we decided to just write a list of all the things that needed to be canceled about Christmas. Look, we're not grinches. It's all for a bit of fun. But Claire at the time was ridiculously pregnant. Never had anyone been more pregnant. My
daughter Luna was about five months old. We just had a lot to get off our chests. You get the picture. But our feelings about Christmas have not changed. So if you're feeling not that festive about Christmas, if you'd like to have a little bit of a laugh, a little bit of a winge with us on Christmas Day, then here is a little treat enjoy. Hello and welcome to Canceled, the podcast that looks at silly celebrity crimes and assigns charges and sentences to them so we can all move
on with our lives. I'm Jesse Stevens and I'm joined by Claire Stephens. Claire, do you have a lazy girls story for us today? I do, and there's one I can relate to a lot at the moment. So this was to the email podcast at Mymaya dot com dot au. I hol if people are bothered as an email, that's by this, I know. And another thing is this email doesn't say like dear so and so, no straight enough, and it's not. It never kind of has caps no, it just says lazy girl story for you. Recently went
to Bali for a girls trip. However, my friend Steph listener of the podcast Love Is Stair, was keen throughout the whole week to get her nails done. On the last day of our holiday, she was adamant to get her money petty because and I quote, I just want someone to cut my toenails because I can't be bothered doing it myself. She's a lazy girl. Now. The reason I can relate to this at the moment is because
I physically I can't get down there. I mean, look, I can and steal it, just it feels like a long way and it is a lot cheaper in Bali, it is. I remember getting them done ai ones and they were like, oh, it's just take a second to dry, and I was like yeah. Anyway, I walked along the beach for weeks, I had sand and I was like, ah, should have listen. Well, I think getting a pedicure is the laziest girl thing ever, because pedicures are like cockroaches. Yeah, yeah,
they would stand anything like a nuclear apocalypse. Yeah. My pedicure, the one I have right now is from my wedding February. That's so bad and he's kind of grown out. But like the actual mail, polish has not munched. Look on today's episode, we're not during a celebrity. Oh, we're doing Christmas because Christmas needs to get canceled and real talk, it's the end of the ear. You're pregnant as fuck.
I have a five month old. I'm really pregnant. Walking around the office, everyone just goes, whoa, you're very big, You're enormous, and we ran out of time to prep lazy. She's a lazy girl because this time of year, I mean, speaking of canceling things work for one, it keeps going and I'm like, no, we're not broken up yet. Yeah, no, we're not breaking up till December twenty two. I don't understand. I checked out last week. Yeah, well, apparently we had
to prep for this podcast. We only had a week warning and we turned up frazzled, and we had twelve minutes and we went we can't tell Telyssa, we haven't prepped te Lissa is our producer. She'll say to us, you had one job. So we were like, what can we do with not a lot of time? And I said, you know what I feel like canceling personally is Christmas. So we're going to do Christmas because and I quote me,
this is my only note. We know the general story and this is mostly based on vibes and feelings, exclusively based on There will be no structure because it will only become apparent after the fact. Then there will probably be a struck that can be applied. It wasn't intentional. So without further ado your wine, bread nose, ludo, and this is just yeah, where Christmas special? Christmas is something that happens on the seven or twenty five. How you
did a lot of research? Yes, since forever we think the Christ in Christmas comes from Jesus Christ, but we didn't fact check that, which brings me to my first problem. It's very gudy. It is it's quite religious, and that feels exclusionary. It feels exclusionary in that like it feels inclusive and that when I go to the shopping center, it feels like everyone wants me to buy things regardless
of my religion, so I feel included that way. But then you listen to a hymn and it's like, oh, hark the angels sink, and it's like, well, what if I don't believe in angels? What then? Yeah? And then you go you look at people's Christmas decorations and there's reindeer, and I go brain deeer and not religious, but it's still some bullshit. But that's a different point. Okay, here are some of my notes. This is actually a really good one. People always say you have to catch up
before it, and no, we don't. That's a great point. And it started to happen. It started to become very we must catch up before Christmas, and it's like what would happen if we didn't? And we just caught up in January. And what's really hard is that when people say that, got to see you before Christmas. We've got to go get lunch, get a coffee before Christmas, it's like, one, why yeah? And two how do you politely say I'm
busy every day until then? How do you politely I don't want yeah, sorry, I'm not busy every day until then, but lightly say no to all of the day it's a trap, it's a prison. The lead up to Christmas is a prison. And then you find in the three weeks before Christmas like I'm going out to dinner to night with blah and your partner's like why, and it's like, I don't know. I don't know a pre Christmas thing. I don't know. And then after Christmas there are these weeks you're very I'm so free.
O'clock wall self pity for thirty Stan and the Shakes, thirty, dinner with me, seven o'clock, wrestle with myself lo then I'm booked.
Look, families are weird, and Christmas really brings in to the spotlight families. You often have to spend Christmas Day with your family or a family a family. This year is the first slash only year in my life where I get to tap out of Christmas because I'm gonna be birthing a baby or having just birthed a baby. I thought you were still going to show up. Oh see, there's this weird pressure to still turn up. And I'm like, no, no, no, no, no,
I'm out. I'm not buying gifts, I'm not turning up, I'm not raising my can't bike Oh there is, Yes, there is. I'm bringing the New Jesus into the world. Okay, Now it did make me slightly nostalgic about all the people that I will miss. Yeap. So the thing about Christmas is that the moment you think your family might be normal, someone starts crying for no reason and hides in a push for four hours. Never is the madness of your family more apparent than on Christmas Day. So
your worst comes out in people. Oh here are some people you might come across. So firstly, the nosy auntie. This person has been cooking since four thirty am. Yeah, their behavior could be attributed to that, all the fact they haven't slept in five weeks. But they're delusional. Yeah, they want to know why are you not married yet? And even though you've had a baby a week before. Yeah, come out quick, quick, and then I'm gonna judge you
for that. Are also the one when you're a teenager who started yelling, what on earth have you been eating? Look at your skin? Yeah, chocolate, and it's like, actually, the research has been conducted. It's not chocolate, it's not hormons. Yeah, she tells you what she really thinks, and she goes to sleep standing up in the kitchen fully clothed at nine pm. Yeah, then they have toge. She treats a
lot of wine. Then there's the train red cousin. Everyone loves a train rec cousin because it really takes a spotlight off you. Yes, and if sorry sorry, if you're like I don't have one, it's you. You are the train red cousin. We all love this person. They make us feel better by comparison. But they're lacking direction. Perhaps they've been in trouble with the law. They probably tried to get out of Christmas Day but their parents force them.
They're negative in the group chat yeah or probably silent. And then someone, probably the nosey Auntie, offends them by asking something like, so you put your family through quite enough this year, haven't you. And that's not a question, that's a comment. Every year, the train reck cousin swears they're done. I'm not coming next year. Yeah, you watch
I'm not only to one person. Yeah, And then that one person spreads it like wildfire after they've had two bottles of so the train rec cousin leads and they're just like, oh my god, Marie, they ain't come and be coming back. Why, Well, I'll tell you why. Because Joan's upset. Joan's in the kitchen standing up as sleeve. Then there's the Prodigy. Now the train rec cousin hates the Prodigy. Yes, the Prodigy is relatively indifferent to the training.
Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, so the Prodigy, no young person likes them.
All.
The young people are like ner yeah, and I reckon that the Prodigy can change year to years. Who's had the best year? Oh god? Yeah, And there's a contest in the leader who's going to be the Prodigy? Yeah? And they might have gotten an annoyingly high HC always following the atar. It's like, oh you know Ben got ninety nine Yeah, Mum told me, Yeah, Mum called, good for him. Or they've got a great career, or they've saved a beautiful rescue dog, or they volunteered in Africa
for three years. You should see their home. Yeah. Or they're just very sweet and have like a floral dress and sensible shoes. Yeah yeah, and you're like, okay, I have pudding on my top and it's eleven am old. People love the Prodigy because that's what Christmas is for the Prodigy is for the old people on Christmas. Yeah, yeah, they go, this is the youth, this is the next generation. Look at what we've done, look at what we've created. And it's like, you know, Jane's in a bush, but
instead we look at the prodigy. Yeah. And the annoying thing is that you get in the car on the way home with your family and your mom says, why aren't you more like Francis And you're like, because no, but I almost like preempt it. I'll get in the car and just be like, Francis is pretty full of ourselves, Like I try and undermine Frances. She just planned to see Yeah, yeah, oh wow, France is a big noting ourselves. We want to know about people. The mom's like, what's
actually wrong with you? Seriously being more like Francis. Then there's the sentimental old person and I reckon every year this person their emotions hit earlier and earlier because I reckon, I've turned up eleven am and they're like, oh look around, and I'm like, I haven't had a coffin yet. This is a lot. So it's the fact seeing the family together gives them all the feelings at once, and it's often a grandparent They then start talking about the people
who are no longer there to celebrate Chris. They want to do a speech about it, and it's really true and it's really important. Does it bring down the fi because there are little kids who are like, where am I presents? They've got this misty eyed old person who's just like I missed the love of my life. And they's like, Tom just open and he's pressing like he's opening them all under the trains and it's making noises exactly, it's really loud. Then there's a conservative uncle.
Yeah, you go woke, you go broke.
This is the know about climate change. So I don't know about them refugees no, okay, yeah, yeah, because you don't know who's here. He's got some thoughts on the referendum and he'll share them. Yes, he thinks political correctness has gone too far. People tiptoe around him until around five pm and then you just start to stirshey. You just start going, hey, if you don't believe in climate change, why you got a tesla? And he's like he just
loses it hot today, isn't it? Yeah? Unseasonably, wouldn't you say? The conservative uncle is particularly hard to buy for because he has everything, has everything, he has everything. He's made good money, he's made it in business. Yeah, what he has done is for forty five years he's burned fossil. No one knows for what, No one knows what product he's created. But he's made a motster. He has challenging
the environment. And we all go, we all bag the contre we open our presents, and he's given everyone a cheeky hundred. You go, you know what, that's gonna save my year? We used to say sometimes with the rich uncle, you go, I've really factored that into Christmas spending. You go out and you go to buy something. There you go, like one hundred and fifty on the back burner waiting for me. And then if one year they decide not to give it out, my budget's thrown. But this money,
it's from fossil fuels. Yeah, well, sharing your spoils, please share the stranger. Oh, now, we don't know if this is This isn't every family, every family, but every Christmas Day we turn up and there's a person there and we think, I've never seen you before in my life. I don't believe I'll ever see you again. And just to bigly. They're not a partner. No, No, they turn up either really early or really late, sometimes really late, and you go, you've wan bity in off the street.
You've seen there's a party and it's Christmas. We have to be polite. Yeah, there is someone at our Christmas. Basically it was our auntie was marriage and then they got divorced and then he got remarried, so really already it was like should you be here? But she kind of still comes that man has died, so she is so the new partner of our auntie sex who is no longer with us. Yeah. Literally in June, starts writing on Facebook walls, Yeah, see you at Christmas, and it's
like I don't know how to undo this. No, but you'll be here at ten thirty and it doesn't start till one. And the thing is that the stranger always gets a prosen gets a present, brings nothing. Yeah, it doesn't bring a plate. You're like, who thought of that? Yeah, and ask things. Well, yeah, the stranger will often be like anything for a Celia, And it's like beggars cannot be two shoes. And I'd say, why didn't you share your dietaries? But you weren't invite No, you couldn't get
her head's up. Then there's the awkward date. They want out. They don't remember signing up for this. They're like, my family's not like this, and they're like congrats. Yeah, they're like why are you here? And they're like, what's with the auntie who keeps asking really personal questions? Okay, well she's our one, only we may make fun of her. And he's like, what about the guy who's in the bushes?
Be they well? And this sucks after the Prodigy and it's like, you know nothing, you don't understand the dynamics, and we asked the Prodigy no questions about the h then sure even no, no, man, mama not asking for your atil mate. Everyone saw it on Facebook. The awkward date probably feels judged because they're actively being judged by everybody there. That is the point. Even the sentimental old person. Yes, especially,
but you think it's quite nice. Then the person leaves and they're like, no, no, I didn't know about that. And it's always something like I do like a haircut, yeah, or like I picked up on a sadness and you're like, oh really, Yeah, they're always right, but they are the people who come to Christmas. And that's a big reason why Christmas is canceled because it's chaos. It's absolute chaos, and I hate and this has happened with our Christmas on one side of our family. Oh, only the kids
get presents. Well, I didn't agree to that. I actually didn't, and you didn't put this down for a vote, but someone said it, and it is immature, argumentature and shameful to go no, I want a present, as a thirty three year old woman to say, I want a present, and I want it to be a specific type of present, almost like a toy, Like I want it to be something I can enjoy on the day. So what happens is we all sit around smiling as the kids and it's like out of light lego and then you sit
down and go, oh, can I help you with that? No, I'm putting together the Tyrannosaurus Rex and it's like it's Christmas afternoon. I have nothing to play with it.
This happened.
That's articulous. It is so unfair, just another thing about actual Christmas day. Things are closed and wrying to get a I need a coffee to my bird at really hard it's a normal day. What else on age the last minute? Christmas? No, you know what, we've worked as lazy girls. We've worked out even actually no, no, I always do like an online thing that I can print for that I've got print No, no, no. My hack is this and it has been for years and years
and years. But I've actually got too lazy. But Christmas Eve, the shops are open and actually most people haven't left it to the last minute. Yeah, lazy girls have free roam, you do, and every now and then they've actually started the boxing late. So you go it's that late and you're like, yeah, oh everybody, Oh, were you shopping on December sixteenth? Because I wasn't. I was doing nothing. Now I've got a deal on the three gifts that were
left in the shopping center. And the adrenaline means I'm making very fast decisions, okay, And I miss the memo about who's buying for who, and I've overdone it, actually overdone it, and I don't have any craving pa. One thing I thought in the lead up to Christmas, because Christmas is not just the day, it is a season, is that it's a sensory assault. Walking around at night with the Christmas lights, with you know, and music, the carols, the everything is so so offensive and you just want
to go. I know that you've put a reindeer with kind of white fluff in your front yard. It's forty degrees. I've never seen a reindeer here. This is really confusing. There's a lack of coherence around what we're telling ourselves about all the Christmas carols, Christmas Baby, it's cold outside, it's really hot. We do go waste on screen. And you've got to have a pool. Yeah, having Christmas somewhere without a pool is an absolute crime, an absolute crime
for lazy girls. The admin involved in Christmas Tree in Christmas Tree, I was actually gonna say that because this year, for the first time, and I think it is because I'm with child, I've thought, shall we Christmas tree as our own independent adult and that Christmas tree? Your Christmas tree is not a Christmas It's tiny, fifty bar it's tiny, and it sits on like a little tape in your house. Yeah, but I just wanted to smell like Christmas. I thought
for Luna. It doesn't really smell like it's like a Luna sized Christmas tree it's tiny. But the thing about a Christmas tree is it's like, you get it, it gets a few weeks use it's dead, and then it's like where do I bin it? And then you've got to decorate it? Where are the decorations? I've been thinking about that I don't know wish and that does bring me to Santa is handsy because I was in the shopping center and I saw a little thing set up and I went, oh, I've got to get a photo
with a luna, like that's really really cute. And then I went, now, he's a bit handsy, and it's almost like that's part of his brand. I sit on my lap and tell me what presents you want. Just doesn't like snacks out and like a beer, so he's a drunk wait a beer out for Santa. I just feel like it's happened. I feel like he likes a beer, no milk and cookies and stuff. See what's happened in our family is that our cousin Simon, who we've talked about before, he has a disability and he just makes
Christmas so much fun. But every year he dresses up as Santa. But the problem is that it's woolen bloody. He gets so hot and you just see him now. He kind of puts it on beca. It's a bit of fun, and then it's like it's too hot. This is a work held in safety issue because this man's gonna faint. Every time somebody tries to be Santa, they regret it. They regret it immediately because they're handing out
gifts with panting children. Give me my gift, and there's just a lot of sweat and energy in the room. There's not a lot of ventilation. There's a lot of Like Santa takes his outfit off. That outfit. I'm not saying Simon's outfit, but that ot fits fucking stamped because it's just got sweat and like children's spittle on it. It's far, far too much. Speaking of sweat, Mum always has a sweaty upper lip, which is a sign of impatience.
Impatience because she's made something like, say a salad and she said, put this in the back seat way there, and I go, I've rested my foot in the salad, and I know Mum's gonna screen. She's really, she's really at her wits end. Yeah, it's been always left something at home and one year we left Nan. We did. We nearly got there and we were like, we've left Nan. She need to go back and get her and she was like, did you leave me? All the lights were off and we were like no, we were just sleeping.
Christmas Ry Christmas. But that's another thing, is the gender inequality of Christmas and the mental load, because that was actually what made me think of Christmas in the first place as something to cancel. Yeah, because it is women who are the ones who constantly have to think of all the presents, all the food, where will it be? And then at the end of the day, the men are like, we'll move back the furniture and they make this sep people are moving like a table and all
the men are like, we'll move the table. And it's like what food was on that table and all the presents and like, no, how Auntie has collapsed in the kitchen from making all that food. She's not okay Christmas food. The spies ham with flies with flies because the thing is it's too hot for meat and so anything you have is covered in flies. I'm not a prawn person, but when did we all accept that when we ate prawns.
We'd have bowls of water on the table where we dipped our dirty fishy little fingers during COVID, and then keep peeling the prawn And then someone's always like, I ate the head, I ate the poos, I ate the eyes, Yah yah, God, just have chicken eyes meal. Why should we do this? Oh? For a year, it's fits revolting. But the thing is, with all this said, lots of reason to cancel Christmas. I woke you're looking forward to it. Absolutely,
It's my favorite time of I love it. I said to my partner, Hey, I'm recording a podcast in seven minutes about Christmas. You're Jewish? Anything to add? And he said, no, I'm not offended by Christmas. I'm Jewish. I'm not offended. And I went, well, there you go. The thing is, I love a present. I've always loved a present. I've always got bad presence from my mum, who, over the years I believe was trolling me. But now I look back on it and I go, no. She had four
kids under two and a half. It was actually a really stressful time. And then she had one kid cry for Christmas morning and go, you don't know me, and that was coping until I was twenty nine. Top contenders for bad presents for you include a blender. A blender definitely, But then she started trolling me, like the year that
I wanted nice bras from Bras and Things. So she got me like a thing that had the Bras and Things logo, and then I opened it and was the ugliest dressing gown and I was like, is this funny, dude? Is this funny? You're money money? And I go, I want this perfume and she'd be like, well, how about this fake one I got from this stupid shop. And I was like, well, I'm not gonna wear it, So
joke's on us. I don't get it. Jack and the our brothers they get a present like me, you mum, yeah, and it's three candles, but they don't think to remove this chicken that's like three ft one guys. Come on. Another thing that comes up at Christmas that I do want to talk about is Christmas move I can't do them. I can do love.
Actually, whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Hethrow Airport. Seems to me that love is everywhere.
Often it's not particularly dignified or he.
Was worthy, but it's always there, fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. If you look for it, I've got a sneaky feeling, you'll find that love actually is all around and.
I can do absolutely no, that's a league of its own. But the whole genre of like, I watch Christmas movie every day and Christmas. The weird thing about me is that I do actually watch it. So Netflix has all those like a Christmas Prince, a Christmas Prince too, et cetera. Isn't it always just like someone going back to their home town for Christmas and they rediscover an old love.
There's snow and not always tay kiss on Christmas. Absolutely correct, And so that is my criticism that we have the same plot that we get away with because it's about Christmas and Australia's tried to do it in the heat, and I'm like, oh no, no, no, oh, not the same vibe. No, it's got to have the snow and the snowy outfits. Lindsay Lohan did a Christmas movie.
When people look at me, all they see is the spoiled daughter of the Hotel Magnet.
I'm coming then coming in. I just want people to remember me from more than my last names. They are so so, so bad and I'm sick. And we've said it before. I mean, this is something that's come up a lot, is the cancelation of the Christmas album. Well, your career's in the toilet. You can't just record Silent Night. No. I think that we're gonna move on from it, because Michael boublaz self pointed King of Chrisman coming out of his cave, it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.
I don't like it because we've said he's trying to own something that isn't his tone. It should be shared. Yeah, and Mum puts it on on Christmas and I have memories of tension because she's sweating and stressed. Dad's moving furniture frantically that doesn't need to be moved. I've got a ship present, I'm crying and Michael Boublair is going bells. Then you're shut up, Michael Boublay, why we're listening to
an album? Because even now someone has a stereo and there's an album playing, and it's like, do we not have a Spotify Yeah, no, someone has a physical CD. Yeah yeah, I got a Christmas album from Sanity, Like, where did you get that Christmas album? Why are we going to play one?
Maria?
I know she's the nulmbour one. She is the queen of Christmas. But there will be think about who's not had a very good year. I mean we probably haven't even seen it, but there'll be launches of Christmas album. Oh I have recorded a Christmas album. Oh there's something I didn't as it already exists. I can access every Christmas song ever written on Spotify immediately, which actually, now that you say it, what we're really getting to is
Christmas can feel repeated. Oh my god. Maybe that's why children try and gate keep it, because it's like for adults, it comes around and you're like, this is a lot. We just did it. Yeah. Yeah, and even like Christmas concerts and like if you go to church and they do the Nativity plan, yeah, and you think seen it. I've seen it. I know how it ends. I know
how it ends. Yeah, and you're gonna tell me again, and then we're gonna do a Carolyn the Domain type thing, kissing carols and it's like it's not better or worse than I've ever had it before. It's incredibly similar. It does need a freshen up. I think we need a new love. Actually, that's a good point. I'd be watching that every yeah. Yeah, and the holiday and Amanda.
Are in exactly the same place.
Where do I want to go by myself depressed at Christmas?
Just six thousand miles apart?
That makes sense. We switch houses, cars, everything big.
I need you to answer this.
Are there any men in your town?
The holiday is brilliant, it's brilliant. Yeah, absolute masterpiece. But I do think we need more variety because we're settling some terrible art when it comes to Christmas. That's why people get grinchy.
Cheer up, dude, that's Christmas, Jesse.
It's time for charges and sentences. My only charge for Christmas is that we do seem to reserve the joy of it for children and start gatekeeping. So, as you said at the beginning, I would argue strongly, Christmas isn't just for the children. And that thing is weird. And I don't know why we start acting like we're too good for Christmas. We do so like we've grown out
of it. No, so you always make fun of the kid after lunch, He's like presence, presence, presence, No, that saying what we are all thinking, and that's why you plan to seed. I go after the loudest, naughtiest kid. Yeah, and I go, oh, you know, I heard they don't want to do presents till dinner and they I've been there, going pres present. Let's start a chat. Let's start a chat. And so I just think we do gatekeeper and we pretend we're too good for it. Oh, we won't do
presence for adults. My charge for Christmas is really all the above, and my sentence is presence for adults. Yeah. Absolutely, money, not like, oh we'll do a little silly Chris Kringle that eighty bucks.
No.
I know they can't living crisis, but I want something nice. Oh silly, let's do silly. No. I want you to think about me on one day of your life, and I will go at midnight the night the night before, and I will find a boxing nearly boxing day sale where even no, my sentences stop, the gate keeping stop. Christmas is for everyone. I love that. Yeah, what a beautiful festive message. Look, thank you so much for joining
us on this episode of Canceled. We want to know your like, whether you want to cancel Christmas, what your reasons are for canceling Christmas. We should put like a box up on our Instagram. It's just like reasons to cancel Christmas. Follow us on Instagram. We will have a link in our show notes. Canceled is produced by Telsapezas. Who's just us, the lack of structure, the lack of work we went into. Since we're sorrys did you just rant about Christmas?
Yeah?
Yep, pretty much. Yes, checked out, Delisa. We have checked out out and you should too. Canceled has audio editing by Tom Lyon and we will be back next week. Bye out louders. I hope you enjoyed this episode and if you want more lolls over the summer break, that's very fortunate because Canceled is dropping lots of episodes over hot pod summer. Will pop a link in the show notes.
We have plenty of mum Mia out Loud coming for you too, so make sure you follow us in your favorite podcast app and you will never miss an episode. Merry Christmas again