Benevolent! A Non-Canon Malevolent Christmas Special

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Ladies, gentlemen, and non-binary friends, welcome to Arthur and John's Benevolent, a non-canon malevolent Christmas special. Starring Arthur Lester and John! Well, someone is impatient. Arthur, wait! What? You can't answer the door dressed like that. What's wrong with how I'm dressed? The apron, it's... You should remove it first. The apron? Oh, well, I... Wait a minute. You bought me this apron. I did. As a Christmas Eve present.

You said I could open it and wear it while I was cooking the turkey. I sure did. And you assured me that it wasn't anything silly. Of course. John. Arthur. Is there something offensive or silly on this apron? Are you still blind? You know I am. Then, no. John, you... The door! I know, I know. Hold your horses. Telegram for Arthur and John. Oh, why, thank you. It's Christmas Eve and you're out delivering mail. Why, of course. The mail never stops. How much do I...

Aren't you, Arthur Lester, the famous P.I. and star of Malevolent? Well, yes, I suppose I am. And that must make the disembodied voice John! Correct again. Wow, I love you guys. You're my favorite podcast. Thank you. I really must say, it's always nice to meet a fan of mine. It's not often that... Oh, no, no, no, no. I hate you. Oh. I'm a John Stan. Aren't they all?

Well, regardless, thank you for being a fan. And thank you for the telegram. I hope you're nearly done. It's really coming down out there. Oh, yes. You're my last delivery. I'm heading back home for my Christmas Eve tradition of a tall glass of scotch and complaining on the Internet. Oh, good. And here's a bit of advice for you, my good man. Oh? Next time you answer the door... Don't wear an apron that says, may I suggest a sausage? Merry Christmas! John? What?

It's the only one that came in your size. You are encouraging. Anyway, the turkey's almost done. The telegram. Oh, yes, of course. Well, what does it say? Dear Arthur and John, stop. The weather has grown worse, stop. I'm afraid with how dangerous the roads have gotten, stop. We won't be able to make your Christmas Eve dinner. Stop. Signed. All your friends and family. No one is coming? But... But it's... Christmas Eve. I suppose that means we're... alone for the holidays. Oh no.

Enough of this. Enough of what? Feeling sorry for ourselves, Arthur. Well, you've only been sitting here for a few seconds. Look, Christmas Eve won't be as full as we had hoped, but that doesn't mean we can't have a good time, right? I suppose not. And look, who's been through it more than us, eh? That's true. We've been through far worse. Of course we have! Remember when you had your femur shattered by the king in yellow, the elder god that I am a fracture of? Boy, do I.

And remember when you stabbed yourself in the throat just so he wouldn't win? I sure do. And remember when you fell down that hole? Which hole? Remember falling down holes? You do that all the time and you're okay, aren't you? The PTSD. Aren't you? Damn straight. Well then snap out of it. We can make this Christmas the best one yet. I know it. You're right, dammit. Nothing is going to get us done. Oh yeah?

How about a little bit of this to pick up the mood, eh? Oh, yeah. That's more like it. You know this one? Nope. That's okay. The lyrics are incredibly sexist anyway. Just say it's really cold and don't let me leave. Okay. I really can't stay. Arthur, it's cold outside. I've got to go away. Arthur, it's cold outside. This evening has been more warmer than the cold outside. If we hold hands, the fans would die. Arthur, now what's your hurry? Snow is getting high with...

Maybe we should open some wine. If you leave you may fall into a hole. I don't think that... We shut the door. Huh? The door. Arthur, Arthur. Oh, someone's at the door. Oh, oh. Who's there? They're just outside. Oh, come on in. Who could be out in a snowstorm like this? Someone in need of help. Oscar! Oscar, old friend! How are you doing? How's the church? Please, come in. Warm yourself by the fire. Thank you. Thank you, boys. It's Christmas Eve, Oscar. Shouldn't you be in church with the...

Church? Goers? The people who believe in God? Or whatever? Yes, John, I should, but... Well, dammit old hell if the roads aren't plowed. What do you mean?

They can't get to church. No, they can't. What's more is I have a whole group of children at the church waiting for their parents and the audience. Audience? So you left them all there? It's the children's choir performance tonight, and no one is there. Well, how can we help? No way I can think of. Unless you had a way to clear snow, or a way to bring all the visitors to the church.

Safely. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. He's got an idea. Oh, yes. One of Arthur's famous ideas. Come on, everyone. Say it. Think Martha, think. Think, think, think. I have it! Well, what is it? Do you remember when we closed the Terror in the Universe at the Allen Farm? Of course! Sure do! Well, if we reopen it, the past... Parents should be able to enter a gateway on their side, cross through the dimension of pain, and exit right back into the church. They wouldn't even have to brave the snow.

Only the unspeakable horrors of the outer planes. Arthur, you're brilliant. Oh, but we don't have the book or the pages. Don't we? John kept them on our shelf of oddities. Don't worry. They're all here. Thank you, boys. This is... It's a Christmas miracle. You get all those parents to their children safe and sound, okay? I can't guarantee safe or sound, but I'll try. Say, Oscar. Yes? Oscar. Oh. Yes?

After the concert? Do you have anywhere to be? Sadly, no. I don't think I have plans this Christmas Eve. You do now. As soon as you're done there. You come back here for a turkey dinner that will change your life. It's a dinner date. Travel safe, Oscar. Wish me luck. Bye, Oscar. Bye. Goodbye. That felt good. The holiday season is about helping others, Arthur. You taught me that. Hey, we both taught each other that. Now.

What do you say we finish up that turkey and get ready for... Oh, no. What now? The power, Arthur. No power means no radio. Or no Christmas lights. Oh, no. Christmas dinner! Oh, the turkey! It'll be ruined. And now we have a guest coming, too. Oh, no. How are we going to get out of this mess? Okay, okay. Are the lights on now? Nope. It's hopeless, Arthur. We're many things, but handy we are not. Speak for yourself. I have at least one hand.

And I have the other. Well, you're right. Without the power, we don't have a chance in hell at finishing that turkey in time for dinner. Oh, damn this snowstorm. It's not the weather's fault, Arthur. It's mine. What? Why? Well, I never told you this. But, well... A part of me wanted Christmas just with you and me. John. As friends. Canonically just friends. Of course. That part of this is Ken. Obviously. But, you know...

It feels like having a little time to chat about everything that's happened and reminisce about the year. Well, it felt like that's what Christmas was about. Well, you're not wrong. After all, this is my first real Christmas. Wait. You're so right. How did I not realize it? I mean, I was there when Jesus was crucified. Well, we need to give you a proper Christmas, along with the lights on the trees and the smell of roast turkey. Come hell or high water. Thanks, Arthur. But what can we do?

I don't know. What we really need is a... Not a visitor. It's so late. Almost dinner time. Should we let them in? I don't see why not. Who is it? An old friend. An old friend? Well, the season is about friends, after all. Let him in! Heya, boys! Eddie! Eddie! We thought that we... I know. Funny thing about that. See, I was... Eddie, you have the most perfect timing. I guessed as much. I was walking by the house and I saw that your Christmas lights weren't on. And I thought...

If anyone needs a little Christmas cheer, it's Arthur Lester and that rascal inside his nugget, John. You're a godsend, Eddie. That ain't God who sent me. Well, the box is over here by the bookshelf. No need! Just need to get up against the wall here and, uh... The lights! They're back on! Eddie, you fixed the power! Eddie, you're a miracle worker! Uh, what can I say? I'm a maintenance man for a reason.

Wow, Eddie. We don't know how to thank you. Where are you headed now? Ah, nowhere in particular. I hear there's a good bar down the street I may drink my sorrows away at. Eddie? Mm-hmm. Huh? John and I. would be honored if you would stay and have dinner with us tonight. You mean it? No fooling? Of course we mean it. It's the least we can do after I killed you. Wow. Thanks, boys.

You really are all about the spirit of giving this year. What the hell? I'll do it. Let me drop my stuff off at the car, and I'll be back in time for the bird to hit the dinner table. We can't wait. Thanks, Eddie. Thank you, too. This is truly a Christmas miracle. See you soon. Well, it looks like our holiday fiasco is turning out to be quite the event.

Oscar, Eddie? Hey, maybe it won't be too quiet after all. I'm sorry, I know you wanted... No, Arthur. What I really want is an authentic Christmas experience. And that's exactly what we're going to have. You're damn right. Well, with the power back on, I might as well go check on the turkey. Good call.

What happened? The damn turkey. I burnt my hand taking it out of the oven. Oh, no. Are you okay? Yes, I suppose so, but... But what? I don't think I can play piano. But you could play previously when I had control of the hand. You didn't have control, but somehow you played with both hands in the music store. Well, that's okay, right? What is Christmas without music, John? It's the most important part, to me at least. All the beautiful soft melodies and tunes you hum year-round.

But I just... I don't think I can play. We'll have to find another solution. I'm sure something will happen. I'm sure something will ha... Yeah. Another person trapped in the storm? Should we ignore it? It's Christmas Eve. Let's help them out. Agreed. Hello? Hey, guys. Wow! It's holiday recording, Horace! Christian Noel Peterson! Hey, how are you? Yeah, my van broke down out front and I saw the Christmas lights. They're so bright and beautiful.

I just had to come in and also see if I could use your phone. We don't have a phone, but we do have Christmas spirit in abundance. Only... Only what, Arthur? Only Arthur's hurt his hand and can't play piano. And... What is Christmas without... Without music. Exactly. You get it. Well, I know Arthur Lester on the keys, but if you'd like, I'd be happy to perform one of my songs for my new album here.

For you all to know. Wow. Would you? Really? Can't be serious. Of course I'm serious. Serious about Christmas and spreading holiday cheer. Ho ho!

We'd be honored, Christian. What do you need? Nothing but a piano. Ah, here we are. I hope this puts you in the holiday mood, boys. Give yourself a merry little Christmas Let your heart be light Thank you, Christian. That was remarkable. It put me right in the mood. I can't believe how lucky we are. Do you need to use the phone still? You know what, Arthur? That song put me in such a good Christmassy mood.

That I think I'll just enjoy the snow and walk to my mother-in-law's house. You're sure? Of course. After all, it's Christmas Eve. I'd rather enjoy the lights and winter wonderland. Sounds pretty magical to me. You know what I say. There's always a bit of magic around Christmas. Thank you, Christian. You saved this Christmas Eve. No, thank you, guys. You made my Christmas that much more benevolent. See you soon, boys.

Bye, Christian. Bye, Christian. Well, the turkey's almost ready. The mashed potatoes and bronc gluten are all but done.

Are you okay? You seem a little sad. There's an empty chair tonight. No matter who couldn't come or will come, it'll still be empty. Hmm. I think I know whose chair that belongs to. It's always a difficult time of year, but I know deep down that... But I know deep down that... Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What is the line? I don't know. Oh, it's something about... I don't know. Deep down that I'm not alone or something. Fuck.

before hot god damn it three hours i gave you three whole hours while i assembled this audience You couldn't learn 3,000 simple words. Arthur Lester, come now. This is easy. The chair. But I know deep down that I'm never alone. Never alone. Yes. Sorry, Cain. I... Cain, he... Zip it! Sparkles. You two are just lesser versions of the man himself, so play your parts. How I write them. And make it sing. We're trying our best. What did I just say? Don't, Arthur.

He's just going to... Blow up your heads and replace you with another version of Arthur from another timeline? Yes! You took the words right out of my mouth, Yellowjacket. Now! Look! You've made the audience uncomfortable. Look at all their bleeding faces. Oh, you know how long it took me to make them. Look at them. Mindless, empty shelves. Oh.

All right. You know what? Rewrites! Here. Just read from this. I rewrote the ending to have a little more color. Because, well, let's face it, you boys are just a bit... Milk toast. Milk toast. Take it from after Christian leaves. Okay? Okay, good. And you all? Forget you saw any of this. Um, well, the turkey's almost ready. The mashed potatoes and brunt gluten are all done, but... Are you okay? You seem a little sad. There's a chair empty tonight.

No matter who couldn't come, or will come, it'll still be empty because... We should get the door. Yes. Wait, John. That chair won't be empty anymore. Why? He's finally come. Kane! You're here! Hey, boys. Kane! I couldn't miss out on another holiday event with my boys. I'm so glad you came. Finally, after all these years. I just wanted to see you, Artie. And look, I brought Eddie and Oscar. Hey, I'm here too. Hey, Arthur. John.

I hope it's okay. I've got the kids with me from the children's box. Oh, yeah. Their flesh is melded with the alien world upon moving through the outer dimension. But their voices can sing still. Shall we hear them sing? Yes, sing a song for all of us. Wow. Well, it turns out that this is the best Christmas Eve ever. With Eddie, Oscar, and even Cain. John, do you feel the spirit? More than ever.

Never, Arthur! Well, then I suppose we should all sit down for dinner. And from our malevolent family to yours... Merry Christmas! Well done, everyone! Well done! And... see! Well, it's a little dry, Arthur. and a brand new smartwatch and tablet. No trade-in needed, even on our lowest price plan. That's two gifts for your family and one for you. Or two for you and one for someone else. Or three gifts for you and only you. Either way, you save big on three amazing gifts at Verizon.

All on the best 5G network. Visit Verizon today. Rankings based on RootMetric True Score report dated 1-8-2025. Your results may vary. Service plan required for watch and tablet. Additional terms apply. Hannah Berner, are those the cozy Tommy John pajamas you're buying? Paige DeSorbo, they are Tommy John. And yes, I'm stocking up because they make the best holiday gifts. So generous.

Well, I'm a generous girly, especially when it comes to me. So I'm grabbing the softest sleepwear, comfiest underwear, and best fitting loungewear. So nothing for your bestie. Of course I'm getting my dad, Tom John. Oh, and you, of course. It's giving holiday gifting made easy. Exactly. Cozy, comfy, everyone's happy. Don't wait. Shop Tommy John's biggest savings ever and get 50% off sitewide at tommyjohn.com slash comfort.

A rich life isn't a straight line to a destination on the horizon. Sometimes it takes an unexpected turn with detours, new possibilities, and even another passenger or three. And with 100 years of navigating ups and downs, you can count on Edward Jones to help guide you through it all. Because life is a winding path made rich by the people you walk it with. Let's find your rich together. Edward Jones, member SIPC.