So I wanted to help people with boundaries because boundaries add protection. And when you feel more protected and more in charge of how much protection is available to you, that that's in your control, not somebody else's control, then your brain has lots more time and flexibility into that more integrated state. So that's kind of why I care about it so much. Welcome to Making Polyamory Work. Hi, I'm Libby Sinback and I want to thank you for joining me
today. I'm a queer polyamorous mom and an integrated relationship transformation guide. I am committed to helping people who live and love outside the status quo have extraordinary relationships because I think relationships are at the core of our well-being as humans. I think love
is vibrant here and how we heal. Today's episode you are in for such a treat. I have a guest on my show which as you know I don't often have guests but today I have the amazing Juliane Taylor Shore also known as Jules and I'm just going to tell you a little bit about her before we get to hear
from her. Jules is a therapist, she's an author and she's a teacher, she's also my friend, my teacher, my mentor, kind of my hero in so many ways and what she does is she creates spaces for folks who want to face what's blocking them so that they can live lives full of self-trust, integrity, purpose and connection. She's a neurobiologist and a trauma therapist and just an incredible human. She teaches anyone who will listen about how to work with your brain to make shifts that stick
and to create loving relationships with yourself and others. She wants us all to embrace our gifts and our mistakes so that we can harness the best in us to make a more creative, responsible and compassionate world. In this episode we have an incredible conversation and I'm so excited to introduce her to you and I hope you love her as much as I do. Hi, making polyamory work listeners. I have such a treat for you today. Joining me today is the
amazing Julian Taylor Shore, also known as Jules. That's how I know her. I'm so excited. I'm really excited too. I'm excited to have an excuse to have you on my show. I've been thinking a long time. How do I get Jules on my show? And here we are. And here we are. Yeah. And what our listeners don't know is that I've known you since I think 2018. Yeah, I think so. I think so. We met at a training in Boston.
In Boston, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I remember this because I was the only coach at this training and I remember we were all tasked with standing up and introducing ourselves and I stood up in the group and I introduced myself. Hi, I'm Libby. I'm a non-monogamy coach. I coach people in alternative relationship structures. You know, my little elevator speech. And I just felt like the you know, the alien in the room, which is, you know, a thing that I often feel when I'm going
to therapy trainings. Yep. But you immediately came up to me. I remember one of the lunch breaks or something and you were like, by the way, I'm Jules. And I work with people who are non-monogamous all the time. And it's so nice to meet another person who works with my people. Oh, yay. Yeah. That's right. But you're not not. I am not. No. I married a man who really wants monogamy. Yeah. And I really wanted him. So even though I'm I tend to actually naturally towards
a little bit more flexible relationship structure. Because I really wanted him and he really, the monogamy was a deal breaker friend. Yeah. And so I decided, yep, we are going to be partnered then. Well, yeah. I love that. I love that. Like the right decision. I've never, there are moments where I have some grief around the that. What do I mean? Lack of flexibility, especially since I like women too. And so there's like a little bit of fluidity. But it also feels as I have some
grief around that. But not in a way that feels like, ooh, I'm missing a part of myself. It's more just like, ooh, that's sexy and awesome. Well, I'll just look from over here. And it's more and you're amazing this. So actually, I really appreciate you sharing that about yourself. You actually didn't know that. Yeah, this is new information. Yeah. I think of it like, I have a flexibility in me where I could go either way. So it doesn't feel like if it had felt like
really compromising myself, I don't think I could have done it. But for me, I am in that more kind of middle ground space. Yeah. Yeah. Making agreements and sticking to them was just felt right. Yeah. Well, and we do that all the time, don't we? We do. No matter what our relationship structure. Well, I want to I want to transition here because I think I want to talk about the fact that you have written a book. I did. That is coming out in December. That's true. And December first.
It's about boundaries. Yeah, I wrote a book about boundaries. And why? Why boundaries was the topic you decided to write about? Well, because I want to help with brain integration. So here's something for people to know about me. I'm a little bit of a neuro nerd. And how did I come in? It's great. I'm kind of an extreme neuro nerd. So I came into this work as a very big therapy skeptic actually. And didn't get it. Like, why are we talking about feelings? And I was just very
anti therapy world. And I found a therapist and it went really well in a way that felt pretty transformative for me. But then I went I went to that's why I decide to say yes to oh, I'm going to make a career change and do this job. And I went in and was listening to these classes. And I was just like, wait, what are we learning? What are we doing? And I was an auto mechanic at the time
and turning rinses during the day and going to grad school at night. And it just felt really weird to me that people were not talking about the brain in my grad school program and counseling grad school programs. And that's changing a little bit now. I went to grad school a little bit ago. But not much, honestly, we're not listening learning a lot about the brain. So I really wanted to get that just like if I was working on transmission, I would want to know how a transmission works.
Right. Or, you know, if you're changing rotors on a brake system, you should kind of know how the brake system works, things like that, right? So I wanted to probably help. So I said, wait, you want me to help somebody with a brain, but you don't want me to know anything about how a brain works. That seems weird. So I went on deep dives outside of my grad school program to find it. So that's kind of how I became neuro nerd and how I got into what initially I would have called
woo woo therapy. My work is really highly experiential. It's, um, it I play with tons of like embodied experience and I do a ton of parts work. I do sand tray. I have people draw. We move in the room. So I got really into that because the nerves, the neurobiology I was studying really proof that that's helpful. So why boundaries? Because of brain integration. So brain integration is a fancy way of saying your neural networks all function simultaneously. How much do they talk
to each other? Right. If they talk to each other a lot, that's a state that's on the more integrated space. And if they talk to each other a little bit less, in that moment, your brain is a little bit less integrated. So put it on a dimmer, not a light switch. It's not either you are integrated or
you're not integrated. It's not like that. It's more like, oh, more and less. And what I was noticing is that people were feeling more clear and trusting of themselves and able to hold really hard stuff that was happening in their lives and make it through and feel proud and successful about how they handled hard moments when they had more flexibility in their integration system. And so I was thinking about like, well, yeah, but why does a brain integrate more or what,
that is a brain integrate less. And the answer is it's a it's a perception of safety. So how protected I feel, i.e. How good I am at protecting myself, i.e. boundaries. How much do I trust me to add protection? Equals putting a little bit of my brain integration in my influence, in my control, and not only being dependent on the outside world to provide safe enough for me. Oh, okay. I want to say this back because I think you just said like you said a mouthful,
but it was amazing. I did. So you said, I just want to I just I got to hold this. So yeah. More integration equals I can cope with hard things better. Yes. I can cope with hard things better. I can deal with challenges. I can deal with uncertainty. I can deal with things that are hard. And the way that I can do that is by feeling safe. Right. I can access more integration when I feel safe. That's right. So the brain is the body's
captive audience. And it's always wondering how am I doing and am I safe enough? And if the answer is no, it it goes unintegrated in response to that because that is faster. Yeah. When we're unsafe, we don't have a lot of time. That's like your knee jerk reaction. Right. Right. Exactly. My first or second. So if I learned growing up that I go, and it gets people's attention. And I think in this moment, my partner comes at me and they're not giving me attention.
I might flip my lid a little bit and go right at them because I didn't actually feel safe when they weren't giving me the attention I needed. So this is this such a weird point. Or so it feels so nuanced, but I think it's really essential that we get this. You do not make your brain more or less integrated. You do not even make your brain more flexible as it moves up and down that dial of more and less flexible, more integrated and less integrated. What's happening is your brain
is making us subconscious, incredibly rapid assessment of how protected am I? Right. And if the answer is a lot, I got this. Then you get to have the more nuanced, slow, creative, relational, resilient, resilient. Yeah. Integrated space. That's awesome at slow stuff. And I don't mean that less integrated is bad. I actually, I don't think that at all. I love less integrated brains. They will save your butt. Yeah. Please. If you are an actual danger. Yay. An integrated
brain. You won't be thinking, oh, should I run away from the lion? You will just, you're just going to go. And then you'll feel scared later. Thank God. Right. So I want that to happen. I just don't want to have to have that happen if what is serving me even better would be a little bit more of a nuanced flexible state. Right. So it's not even about like more integrated, necessarily. It's more like, oh, how flexible can I be on that spectrum? And if I live in a place where in my world,
it is okay. I am safe enough for more integration to be matching that external environment because not everybody does. And I really want to name that. That's very true. That's very true. We want folks like I'm even thinking about a family I worked with who was talking about finding the right preschool for their family as a poly family. Right. And wanting to make sure that their daughters were safe and wanting to make sure that they felt welcomed in the community.
And can they find that? You know, and what does that look like for them? Because actually, they're not welcomed everywhere. Right. Actually, it is, it is kind of scary some places. So I just want to honor that you may need less integrated spaces because you may actually be in danger. Right. And when it's possible that your reality actually could be totally handled by you. Do we want that slower space? So I wanted to help people with boundaries because boundaries
add protection. And when you feel more protected and more in charge of how much protection is available to you, that that's in your control, not somebody else's control, then your brain has lots more time and flexibility into that more integrated state. So that's kind of why I care about it so much. Plus, I grew up in spaces where boundaries were not always that great. And so it's my own work and don't we all write about our own work? I mean, really, this is my work.
This is me trying to heal my brain. Yeah. Well, I just want to really appreciate that because when I think about what it takes to do something like non-monogamy, especially like to be in an alternative relationship style, and I say this often, where you're not because you don't have the external structure of like what cultural expectations are, what societal rituals are, you don't have all of that sort of holding you in, which again, that can also be a reason to not
want it in the first place. But there's a lot of like holding and I think safety that is created in following norms. Yes. And also, there's a lot of like, I don't have to figure out so much. I can kind of just go along with what I'm being told. Totally. But when you have to figure it out yourself, I think that integrated brain state is probably the place where you're going to have the easiest time making choices about, you know, do I live with two partners? Or do I have
children with multiple partners? Do I mean, all these different sort of like big decisions that are outside the norm where you have to really trust yourself? And what's best for you and what's best for the other people? And you have to be in that collaborative space where you have to be willing to take someone's influence without it letting it swamp your own wants and needs. So being able to hold those two things at once or three things or five things at once. So all of that gets very complex.
And if you're doing that from a place where you are in a place of unsafety, it's really hard. Actually, impossible. So in less integrated states, do not do complex. Less integrated states are either or or this is the only way it is or this is the only option for me. That is a less integrated state. The complexity, the creativity, the multiple options that could meet a need. Those are all
going to be supported in your more integrated, a little bit slower brain state. And so I think it's really, really helpful for people to have a little bit more influence agency over their own their own safety, their own safety, their own safety, their own safety. They're feeling of protection. Yeah, it's actually. Yeah. Well, and it's so interesting because boundaries are really hot right now. You know, a lot of people are talking about boundaries. But I feel like they're
talking about boundaries in a way that actually makes me very itchy. Yeah, totally. Can I share can I share my happiness with you? I would love to hold your itchiness. Well, I mean, because I love boundaries. And in fact, years and years and years ago, I taught a workshop called boundaries or everything. But the way that I taught it back then is I would disagree
with myself now in some of the things that I taught, which was like almost a decade ago. But the way that I feel like people talk about boundaries a lot now is, you know, I will because it's all about my behavior, right? It's all about it like I am in control of me and that's all I'm in control of. And so by deciding what I'm going to do and not going to do, I can have more control over my overall environment is kind of how I feel like it's being sold. I think that is exactly how it's
being sold. And I do not believe that's a thing. I don't think it works like that. I think we have influence our environment, but we don't get to control our environment. It's really appealing though, right? It's a really appealing thing like, oh, as an example, this is one that comes up a lot is like my partner's doing something that I don't like. And I can't tell them not to do it because that's controlling. You could make a request actually, but like, well, we'll get there.
Yeah, yeah. But like in poly land, like good poly people don't tell their partners what to do, don't get to control their partners. Definitely don't get to control what their partners do with other people, which is I'm on board with all of that. But what if my partner's doing something with someone else that is making me uncomfortable or that I don't like? What I've seen people do who are new to boundaries and are just now just starting to try to figure out how to
how to use them and have them support them. They'll say something like, well, I don't want to be in a relationship with a partner who is having sleepovers with their other partners. That's my boundary. That's my boundary. And therefore, if you want to be in a relationship with me, you can't do that. Right. Right. Yeah, that is basically what's happening. So maybe you can tell us what you think of that. Yeah, I don't think about it like that.
So, well, I think of boundaries in two different kind of big categories, external boundaries and internal boundaries. So external boundaries are the ones you probably are thinking of. Can I communicate what isn't is not okay with me? Exactly. Can I act in accordance with that knowing? Right. And I think a lot of times when people ask me about it, they're asking me, well, the first thing that happens usually is, how can I say this in a way where I get them to
respect my boundaries? Well, right. Or get them to do what I want them to do. Which I get to think the same thing. That's what we mean. When we say get them to respect my boundaries, but I don't actually think that's the thing because I don't think boundaries are about getting somebody else to do anything. Exactly. Exactly. And yet all the time we'll have people say, you know, well, I had a boundary around this and this person did the thing anyway. And I was like, well,
well, yeah, you, because you can't control their people's behavior. You can only control your response to it. Right. Right. And so can we, if we need to make an agreement, let's have big discussions. Right. Exactly. And I think you're out agreements that work for everybody. For sure, I'm all about that. Well, and what a lot of people try to do because they don't, because agreements, again, they require that integrated brain state. Yep. They require collaboration.
They require people to really understand what is okay for them. And then the other person to come and what's okay for them. And then for them to work that out together, that's very vulnerable and can be very sticky. And I think sometimes people try to circumvent that by instead creating something that they're going to call a boundary. Right. And then they're going to create a consequence from that boundary. Yeah, yeah, totally, totally, totally. And boundaries have nothing
to do with what other people do. Well, and what's so funny about that to me is that it is a unilateral decision that actually ends up looking a lot like what is a big no-no and non-monogamy line, which are rules, which are if you do this, then this. But a lot of people are framing boundaries like that. Like if you do this, then I will do this. And the I will do this is something you may not want. And so therefore, I'm hoping that you will not do it. Right, right. And I get that.
And that you're hoping, yeah, well, that's because it is. That's an accurate assumption. Well, that's why I'm so interested in internal boundaries. So I also, yeah, so let's talk about internal boundaries. I don't think it's possible to have good external boundaries if we don't have good internal boundaries or some of this is not possible. I don't want to be that, you know, either we're about it, but it's it's like a
it's really, really hard. It makes it hard. It makes them go not as well. And it it's likely that you might act outside of your integrity if you don't have the internal kind. So internal boundaries, I think of them as psychological boundaries, which is the space between my mind and your mind. So I can be with you in any conversation we're having as long as I know that your feelings and thoughts are not actually scary. Oh, that's a tough one. I'm not saying no, all behaviors notice.
I'm not actually naming behaviors here. Not all behaviors are okay. But if thoughts and thoughts and feelings are really yours and you becoming you through time as you work towards goals and hopes and learn more about your existence and your history matches mixes up mishmashes with everything that's happening right now. So here I am bearing kind witness to you
listening with full acceptance of whatever is happening for you. How could I do that? Well, I have to protect your mind from my mind and I have to protect my mind from your mind. So we add the protection between us and I call that a psychological boundary where it's okay
for us to be completely different and still be in connection. And yeah, yeah. And then there's the containing boundary and that's more between you and you and that's about how do you create a pause between what you feel and what you do so that you can support yourself in making me behave decisions behaviors how you talk that it matches your integrity and it matches your
relational intentions. And I love what you say about like sort of what is the filter that you use to decide whether you let something in your psychological boundary or whether you keep it out. Right. I call it discernment and what I mean is is it true and is it about you? And if it is both of those that comes in it comes in. If either one is a I don't think so then it stays out. And then that's now information about the person you're in relationship with
in that moment. But it's not information about you. Yeah. And so you can grow your curiosity dependent I guess on how close you want to be to that person. I mean, you might not want to be close to all people that is totally acceptable. Well, I want to I want to give an example of this
because I think those can be really powerful. And I think that psychological boundary is one of these things that I teach over and over and over again because of how important it is for people to understand that you can be having a really different experience of the same thing with someone you are deeply close to and in love with and that is okay. In fact, I guarantee that is happening. Yeah. Way more than you. But it can but it can also be painful. Right. So an example, I mean,
I can give an example from my own life of this. Where I was in a new relationship. I was falling madly in love with this person that is now my partner. And my longer term partner, my spouse was finding that really scary. Really, really scary to the point where he was like,
can I even trust you? What is going on? You know, who are you? What's happening? And in my mind, I knew what was happening for me, which was yes, I was falling in love, but I was also really holding the commitments that I had with him, the love that I had for him, that I was really being careful and mindful of like and not in a reactive like, you know, scared let me fix you. Maybe let me make sure you're okay and make sure you're okay kind of way, but in a really integrated and balanced way.
Wow, this is a lot that I'm feeling. And also I'm going to hold it and I'm going to hold all of this other stuff too. And it was hard, but I thought I was doing a great job. And so when he would come at me and be like, I don't trust you, this isn't safe. You don't love me anymore. Like all these things were just coming out of him that I had never heard before. All these fears,
all these doubts. And I was just, at first I would fight it. You know, I would, I would like you said, you know, when you said like thoughts and feelings aren't unsafe, unsafe or scary, I was like, those are actually pretty scary to me. But you would have the picture of me as being a person who would betray you, who would lie to you. And it was actually being able to create a protective boundary for myself and be able to say, okay, wait a minute, wait a minute,
wait a minute. I know who I am. I know what I'm doing here. I know how I'm behaving. So I know I'm an integrity and I know I'm not doing anything wrong. Wow. My partner's having a big hard time of it. What could be going on for him? Right. And you see how when you add that protection, when I was able to add that protection, which I wasn't always able to have to be cleared. Like there were times when he would get really triggered. And I would just even see it on his face.
And I would get triggered too. And I would just be like, I don't actually have the ability to put up any protection right now. So I just got to take a break. I love you. I can't hear you now. I'll be back in a minute later. Yeah. But there would be all these beautiful moments that I was able to do with him where I was able to hold. Okay, I know this isn't about me. And that means I can just be with you. That's right. And you're in pain. You're in pain. And I hear that pain. And I'm
with you. And I'm not afraid of it. I'm not afraid of the pain that you're in because I know what's real for me. And what's real for you is something else. And it turned out, you know, there was some old stuff with an ex partner of his that was really getting kicked up, that was around all of this. So he wasn't even totally in the present moment when he was having these moments. Totally. And of course, it took some time. But we worked through it. And we got
to a better place. I love people that understand this. And this is like, how do we not take it personally? We understand a little bit more the coherence of what's happening. So like, first of all, you didn't take it personally because you put up that protection. You put up that boundary image between you and him. And that boundary image is going to do the discernment for you. Right. You don't love me anymore. I don't love you anymore. What? Is that true or not true? Well, not true.
Is that about me or not about me? Oh, I don't think so. I don't think this has anything to with me. This is about him. Oh, just doing that is going to increase the compassion, increase the longing for connection and decrease the fear. So just doing that is great. And it's so funny when you're able to put up that protective boundary and be able to hold, it's not my job to change how you feel or what you think. It's my job to be with what you feel
and what you think. Yeah. And be okay with it. Right. It's so hard when someone's misunderstanding you. Oh my gosh. It's the hardest thing because you have to feel that little bit of grief of, oh, wow, we're not in the same reality at all. And I really wish we were. Yeah. This is a little mini grief you're talking about. Mm-hmm. And I have such bad news. People talk about, so if I said a boundary, right, I won't start,
I won't feel so bad. Right. No. No. What's going to happen is you're going to feel like you can handle more. Ooh, wait. See that again. See that again. If you have really deep boundary work, you don't feel better. You feel like you can handle more. It's safer to handle more. Ooh, which means you're going to face a lot more mini grief moments if you have, if you want boundaries to help you avoid grief, do not read my book. Oh, that's not my thing. Of course, I know this. We just spent hours.
We're together talking about grief and how people call me the grief lady. Well, and like you have to sell people on sitting down with, well, you don't have to, but like you, you're very clear. Like if your goal is to avoid grief, like, don't come anywhere near. I'm sick. Yeah, you don't want what I'm selling. Well, and I do think that people want to be told that this is going to help them feel better and not have to feel pain and not have to feel grief. And what I'm hearing you say is,
no, it makes it tolerable. It makes it, it makes it okay for me to feel it. It makes me trust myself more that I have the capacity to face it and be in relationship with my own feelings and my people's feelings, whoever I'm in relationship with. I have more capacity not to leave them. I have more capacity not to leave me. Ah, while the grief comes, not because the grief's going to stop. Yeah, I know this. And still when you say that, go, that sucks.
It sucks. It sucks. It sucks. It sucks. But here's here's where I come down on it. Is for me being respectful, deeply, deeply respectful of who you are is so much more important. Me getting to be honored by bearing witness to who you are is so much more important to me than avoiding grief. That I am willing to do any amount of boundary work. So I make it more okay for me to hang in there and discover more about you. And I can't do that if I'm freaked out.
And I cannot do that if I'm trying to avoid my own grief about our differences or about that we do want, we do see this moment in different ways. Whatever it is, if I'm busy taking care of that, I already left you and by the way, I left me too. And so it's like it's it's so deeply respectful and loving to say yes to my own grief so that I can say yes to how you show up more. That it's okay with me. I'm willing to make the deal.
So, wow. Yeah. I just want to pause for a minute and let that sink in. I feel like you're showing me and and anybody listening a different way to love people. And a different way to love ourselves too because it's like we need to learn how to set those external boundaries after we've done this what you're describing. Like creating those internal boundaries first
and then being with a grief. Because if you're setting the external boundaries to avoid grief, to avoid pain and to try to change what's happening with someone else, yeah. Then you're not doing that. You're not holding that person respectfully and you're not holding you respectfully either. Yeah. And so you're missing it. You're missing it. You're missing you. You're missing them. Because like even go back to that
example with your sweet husband when you say no, no, no, it's not like that. It's not what you think. Right. What is it that we're really doing? Oh, I'm trying to get you to feel different than you are. Yeah. That's self that you're becoming through time right now. Not okay with me. In fact, so not okay. I would like for you to change you so that I can be here. So that I can feel better. What? Right. It doesn't make any sense to me. It doesn't. It doesn't. And yet we do
that all the time. Well, I think our whole society's built that. Oh, I'm an American month. I was raised in a lot of different states all over the US. I'm a white lady. We do that to everybody. Yeah. It's all I was I grew up in. I need you to change you so that I can be okay. Mm-hmm. A lot of us grew up with that. I absolutely grew up with that. I mean, as a neurodivergent human, I grew up with that like not just in my family, but like out in the
world, like I need you to change you how you are. Yep. I need you to be different from me to feel okay. You received a ton of that. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So for me, this is really the more integrated brain space is the one that can handle this nuance and flexibility and creativity required to hang in there when somebody's really different from you. When somebody's behaving in a way that maybe not dangerous, right? Protect yourself if it's dangerous. Get out of there. I want
you always to protect your body. And, and you know, maybe saying something in a different way than you want them to or maybe feeling something in a different way than you want them to or thinking something in a different way than you want them to like how do we hang in there with that? Yeah. How do we not leave each other with that? And, and you need that slower, more relationally centered
processing to do that because it's really complex. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I think I want to, I just I don't, I don't want to take it anywhere else from here because I think that is such an important message. Just yeah, like that boundaries are the way that we show not just not just it's not just about protecting yourself actually. It is about protecting yourself. That's an important piece of it. So that your brain can show up. Right. And so that you can be in integrity with yourself and
in respect of others. That's right. Exactly. So I show me I'm worthy of fighting for my integrity through this work. I show me I'm worthy of protection through this work. I increase myself worth every single moment I execute any one of these boundaries. And I love you more because now I am not scared of you anymore and I respect you more because I'm not scared of you anymore. Right. And now I'm available to really listen and pay attention and discover all the stuff
I didn't even know. Right. So yeah, I love leaving it here because this is all this internal boundary work is new for a lot of folks. Tell us about other cool things you've got going on where people can connect to you. So I know that you have the book coming out in December. Yep. Setting boundaries that stick is the name of the book. Setting boundaries that stick. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And what other cool things I've got two different workshops for anyone not not trainings for therapists these are
for anybody to come and do work with me. I have an online one and in person one in Austin, Texas. And those you can find out about on my website. And so their workshops and it's going to be limited to 10 people. So. And this is all in boundaries, right. These are all in boundaries. So these are boundary workshops. And so if you want to come and do personal work and if you want to bring your partner and you both want to do personal work side by side, that's awesome. And it's not a
couple's workshop. That doesn't mean it can't be helpful in a couple because this work serves couples really well, I think. Really well. So we were all about boundaries in my house. All about exactly. It makes things so much better, doesn't it? Yeah. And wait, I want to normalize this because we've been all about boundaries in our house for several several several years now. It's still a practice. I still have to remember it. My partners still have to remember it.
We all have and we all lose our containment sometimes. We all lose our protection sometimes. Mm-hmm. Yep. I still practice for me too. This is I don't think of it as a practice where you get to some finish line. Right. And you're there and now you're great. I don't think about it like that. Like you've done boundaries now. Check that one off your list. I don't think about it like that. I think a bit more is like a lifelong growth practice. Yeah. So I've made these two really small
workshops where it's only 10 folks coming together just for each other. As we work on boundaries and everybody gets a lot of one-on-one attention because they grip so small. And then, right, you can order the book of course and I do a ton of intensive. So you can sign up for all that stuff on my website. It's juliantaylorshore.com. So yeah, you can find me there. And I don't know. And you also have a podcast? Oh yeah, I have a podcast. Thank you. I have my own podcast with two
lovely girlfriend Rebecca Wang and Vicki Issa. And we is called Why Does My Partner. And we are all relationship therapists. And we love to share insights into relational dilemmas. So we have a podcast that you can check out. And we have a workshop that we do for couples. And it incorporates all this boundary stuff and tons of other brain science-y cool tools. Everything I do is neurobiologically supported. So everything I'm doing is just,
can I help you work with your brain? With the brain you actually have. However, that's showing up for you. And by the way, there are some practices that can help. So. And I'll just go ahead and share that in my program. When I do a boundaries module, I teach tools as practices. And now that I've learned the containing boundary exercise that you just taught a couple weeks ago. Yeah, it's pretty. And it's fabulous. It's fabulous.
It is as I wrote the book. Yeah, amazing. It's a new one. It's amazing. It's so good. And this is about practicing how do I create like not because we all know like you should pause and think before we speak or think before we do. And at the same time, I love that like, but how? How do we actually do that? And this is an actual concrete mind body practice to actually create that pause. And it's beautiful. I love it. I'm using it all the time now.
Yay! I'm so glad that's wonderful. And so if you want that by the book, if you want that, come to Jules's workshop or come to my program or yeah, ask, ask, ask us what you'd like. And can people reach out to you and just say, hey, I think you're awesome. How do I connect with you more? Yes, please. And I have, if you check out my website, you can find my email and you can send it from my mailing list. So please feel free to reach out. I love to talk to folks.
Fabulous. Oh my gosh, Jules. Thanks for being here. This was amazing. Yay. Oh my gosh. I'm just, I'm just, I love you so much. Oh my gosh. I love you too. And I just so appreciate you bringing me on and helping me talk to folks who you reach. And I'm just so grateful you're in my life. Same. See. Thank you so much for joining me today. If you have any thoughts about what I've said today or
a question for the show, I'd love to hear from you. You can find me on Instagram as that polyam mom or you can go to the shows website makingpolyamorywork.com and submit a question there. I'll also say that if you're loving my podcasts, but you are looking for more support, I do this for a living. I am an integrated relationship guide. So I help individuals, couples and groups have
amazing relationships. You can find out more about my offerings on my website. If you love this podcast, please share it with your friends, your networks, your Facebook groups, your co-workers, your family, etc. And make sure you subscribe so you don't miss an episode. Also, if you listen on iTunes, I always love getting reviews. It literally makes my day. And it'll also help more people find the show. Making Polyamory work is created by me, Libby Sinback. It is edited by Fin
of the normalizing non-monogamy podcast and hosted on the Spotify Podcasts platform. Vandalion manages the website and posts the transcripts. Thank you everyone and see you next time.