Hello to all of you following the Josh and Stephano journey, and I'm going to be honest with you right now. The podcast addition to this series has fallen off, and that was somewhat intentional on my behalf, because I knew if Stephano and I continue doing big, sit down, full length chats every few days, we would inevitably have to get to certain topics and issues that I have been
desperately ignoring, and so has Stephano. Because we knew once we got to those things and really sat down and got into the logistics of what they mean for our relationship, I'm not sure that we could get through them and then how much longer we would have together, which is essentially where we're at right now. Fuck, I feel like I'm about to cry. But before we get to the right now today this morning, like on what's happening literally now, I'm just going to briefly recap the last nine days.
So the last podcast episode of Josh and Stephano that you heard was me talking about trying to leave him at four am once we'd moved in together because I had so much on my mind and so many things I hadn't found the courage to bring up to him yet, And that was mostly all about the fact that he'd said during the podcast we did on the final morning of our honeymoon that he thinks I'm too sensitive about
certain things. And after that moment when I did try to leave at four am, Stefano and I did then sit down and I shared this from my past with him on the honeymoon, when you say I am maybe too sensitive with things already again upset, but like these are like these huge things to me. And when you did look online and there's like articles like when I was sexually assaulted and raped.
Were it read, it was a fragment of what happened. It was no situation that you couldn't escape or couldn't do anything.
In a new partner. It's it's hard to get there, to be comfortable to talk about it. You know, every time I think about it, I think, why did I not shout more?
Push me?
Like but it's like I kind of just it was like that moment, that incident, it was like it validated how I'd felt my whole life, never feeling enough, almost like I a lifelong battle in my head of feeling a certain way that finally the world sees me how I've always felt and this is now my place as like nothing.
Maybe I didn't use the rye wars, uh, it was not my intention, So I.
Know you, like I have nothing bad against you here like that those kind of language barriers, confusion and how we say things, and you are a lot more black and white and a lot of things where it's like, well, you knew that was bad. Why do these bad things in that cycle? After that incident, and like that was in my head a lot throughout the honeym and obviously we're still having a lovely time, and I kind of just put that back to the back of my mind.
And then there was that night when maybe I wasn't feeling it as much and it felt like your body language maybe changed when I wasn't so receptive. And then I've obviously had a lot of sex, like in that spiral after the incident, it was personal after person just
trying to feel anything or feel more worthless. And sex is this weird thing for me because I grew up like so ashamed of it, like I have to be very comfortable, and like I have been so comfortable with you, but it was just that one time where I felt just like.
A body didn't know anything of the things that you went through. I'm so sorry again.
Like, trust me, this is not me having to go You did nothing wrong, like withre do people in a relationships. I'm just sorry that maybe I couldn't bring it up earlier to make you understand a little bit more because I felt like guilty in a way, Like you've probably questioned why it's Josh slowly pulling away or being a bit less receptive, and as this content I was just started rolling out, like day by day, I knew you
had the only fans, I said. I realized that quite quickly because I'd recognize you from Instagram to then have every day strangers all over the world, Like I think it's acceptable to send me messages like look at your husband fucking this person in this video. I don't like, I don't know how to respond to that.
Well, that doesn't mean that I don't want a relationship or I don't want to connect with people in a deeper way. I do this, this and this, like I do different things. This is what made my bills.
You're so much more than that, I suppose it's the point I'm trying to get and then after we had that sit down and I got all that off my chest, like things have been great, Like we started splitting our
time between his place and mine. The feelings we already had started to develop for each other felt like they were growing each day, and everything felt so easy and real, and like, I know we've been doing this as an experiment, but we kind of forgot that in so many moments, like we'd often just forget to even capture any content.
And on the Friday just gone, we went into the city and a friend did some filming of us at Vivid and we had a producer, and then you know, once we had finished that content side of it, we just went for a night dinner Stefano and I and during that he said to me, Josh, do you think this is like our first official date? And I was confused at first because we've had so many dates and have done so much and you know, we're spending every
night together. But then I thought, actually, like this is the first time we're out on the town doing something like fun and we've made an effort and it's not for content, it's not being captured. We've not got our phones out, it was just us because we wanted to, and it did then feel like that night we really progressed as a couple. And during that night while out in the city, you know, walking around at Vivid and
then to dinner, then we got ice cream. Like I think maybe five different people approached us over a few hours and recognized us from the content, and some asked for a selfie, and another woman said that she cried at the video You've just hit the audio from where I was opening up to stepan out, and like every single person was so supportive and hopeful and wishing us the best, And that kind of messed with my head as we then got home a few hours later, because
this series feels like it's become bigger than I ever thought in terms of like how many people are watching it, how many followers that page has got, the fact people are stopping us on the street, not just to go oh, I watched that, but they genuinely are rooting for us.
And then I just started to think about how the fairy tale we've been presenting online up until this week isn't entirely accurate, Like, of course every sweet moment and cute post you've seen has been real and that's how we feel, and that's the reality of whatever that moment was.
But I made the choice to exclude one big thing, not just from the content, but almost from Stefano and I every day as a couple in the real world, and that's the fact that Stefano's sole income is doing OnlyFans and now we're back in Sydney, he has returned to having to film content for that, which does include
him filming content with other people. And I have no judgment towards anyone doing that kind of work, like good on them, I say, I know so many friends in their sex industry, but I've never thought like, can I be with someone who's doing that? And given how we met, I suppose I never got the chance to think about that before entering a relationship with someone who well does have to sleep with other people to pay his bills
and film that and then people watch that. And everything else between Stephano and I has been so lovely and cute, and it's like we've been in this bubble of like bliss or holiday romance, and I've just been wanting to prolong that as long as possible and put off having the chat about this because I knew when we did things would change, which is what has now happened, because yesterday early afternoon, we did sit down to talk about this and you may have seen a brief video of
this last night on Instagram, but here is the full audio from that sit down.
I don't want to have an open relationship, but I had to sleep with other people for my job.
That is not cheating.
It's just a way that I had to put my bills.
And that's the point where at now in this relationship. So I said to you today that I want the content we're posting to be a lot more honest, and like everything has been honest, like everything we've done is real, but I have chosen to exclude certain things almost because I feel protective of you. I don't want you to
be villain villainized or you know, people turning you. But like this is now the reality that now we're back in Sydney, you have to go back to work, and that work means sleeping with other people, and I don't know how I feel about that.
This doesn't mean that I don't want to have a relationship, that I want to be with you, but this is just a way, as I told you, this is the way that I pay for this apartment and leave alone here in Bondi, which is no easy. And if I stopped doing this, what do what do I? I mean if I want to be a lawyer here, you know how much I have to be study for at least
one year? Do the bark Sam so many things? To be honest, I don't know if I'm ready for the if I want to give up all the life standard that I that I go.
I think it's worth pointing out here that this is not like you've trying to do a bombshell or something in this content. That you told all of this to Pedro the producer, who much does he knew? This was the reality you in a relationship can be committed in the relationship, but for your work you still have to do that. And I also told Pedro the type of relationship I want would not be open, it would be monogamous, and Pedro the producer just for oh, we'd figure it out.
And I've been putting off this conversation and I've tried not to ask. You know, when I go to work in the day, I'm not really asking what you're doing, which isn't me not showing an intro start caring. It's more because when the more I think about you doing that during the days lately, I question can I be with you? Because I again I think in the gay word. Open relationships so common that it seems everybody's doing it. It seems that's just the most accepted thing, and that's
the way relationships are now defined. But for me, I'm so old fashioned in the sense of I like romance. I like this idea of I'm with someone and that's it, It's just me and them.
I don't want to.
Have a type of relationship where, oh, what we're doing this weekend, I might go see this person, I'm still on the apps and that I was like, nah, I want my person to be enough. And I know you said you don't want an open relationship and that is just your work, but you're still sleeping with other people.
How you use that word because in Spanish sleeping like a minute, like a deeper meaning like sleeping with somebody. And I'm just sharing like two hours filming content with somebody, you know. But then at the end of the day day, at the end of the day, I'm sleeping, I'm coloring you.
I'm not coloring that person.
I'm not sharing like a TV show or like I'm not even cooking for.
That person.
And I get that, and I don't doubt your feelings towards me. But I suppose maybe I've reached a point now where as this goes on and I'm developing more feelings for you the more time we spend together, and it feels like we're building something. I can't keep ignoring this, And I suppose the question in my mind that has been can I change my views? Can I accept this?
Because I I'm not against that industry in the slightest and know so many people that do it, and I know that when they perform and they're filming content with other people, I know it's almost like it is performing. It's almost like acting, right, it's a job. And I have seeing your content now and when I see you in that, and then compare that to when we're into
my I see very different people and different things. But you came into this project experiment, whatever we call it, with this idea that your partner would have to just accept that in you, and.
I don't know if I can.
Something that I learned in this industry is to split sex and low, like you can have both, but you can also have one thing and the other thing. You know what I mean. I mean, I understand you, but I had to be one hundred per honest. I don't know if I can change my content. I mean, there is a chance I can try to do solos. I don't know all that kind of content. Maybe that doesn't include sex with other people, something that I have to analyze, So I can I conceive it worth it or no?
Because I don't want to give up on my lifestyle right now, I'm going.
To take.
This weekend to think about it, to see what I what I can do mmm, because I don't want to make like a big decision without thinking.
I think that we spend a day or two a part because I can't work out how I feel about they're still seeing you every day and having like these lovely moments at home and the romance and that dream that I want in a relationship. Like I'm so caught up in that that I'm not really thinking about this until now, and seeing you every day is making that difficult. So I think, yes, a couple of days apart, and we should both really think about what a relationship looks like.
To both of us. I think that will be the.
And then yeah, I packed a bag, went home and I did intended of spending a couple of days apart, not talking, not seeing each other. But once that video you've just hit the audio from went live a few hours later, I think around four thirty pm on Socials. The confusion of what's happening between us and the comments and then the negativity towards Stephanel, all that like combined made me emotional, and it also made Stephane quite upset. And when I heard he was upset, like I thought,
I can't not go over and see him. I want to see him. I want to give him a hug. I want to be there for him because there isn't a villain here, no one's done anything wrong. It's just this is the reality. And he told all of this the peduro before the experiment, like he it wasn't like he was trying to do a bombshell up promote himself, like he still wants a relationship. But yeah, hearing him upset like over WhatsApp when he texted me saying that,
I was like, nah, I'm I'm going there. So this is then what happened.
I feel that, you know, I look like very tough but very sensitive with all.
I'm reading this and crying like, I don't know.
This is the first time that I and then.
I make this out of public, you know what, I do too much.
I know this is meant to be our first night apart, but I cannot set at home right now. I'm knowing that he is upset, and I'm just here too some ay, doing nothing, like I just want to go and hug him because.
I know he is struggling, especially.
With the comments and maybe the uncertainty.
I don't know.
I just want to go and give him a hug to honest. Okay, So I've just left and I'm now going on because I do still think we need time apart, and staying over is not gonna have that. But I just wanted to say that there isn't a villain here. There isn't a bad person. People don't need to take sides with two people different views trying to figure something out.
I still have so much respect and care for Stephan Now, I don't like seeing people that care about upset and especially stephanel And maybe we should have had this child a lot sooner.
But we were both so caught up and just enjoying being together and developing feelings that I mean, we knew this would happen. And yeah, and this now brings us to this morning today, right now, me sat here in the studio alone, and I've got no idea what's going to happen next. We both are taking space to think and I suppose chat with our friends and maybe family and try to figure out where this goes. And yeah, I do feel sad, to be honest, and I know
he does too. Maybe we can find a way through this, Maybe there is a compromise, maybe there still hope, But at this moment, I don't know. So all I'll say is thank you to everyone who has been following this journey. Will update you when there is an update.