Episode 11 | It All Shook Down Part 1 | Machine Takeover

I thought you said you've played badminton before John? I could see you had weak wrists, but I had no idea your form looked like a giraffe giving birth.

I said that I've played a badminton video game before. And the real thing is surprisingly more complicated. And don't dismiss "Badminton Road to the Show." It was like super in depth. I mean, there was a level in it where you had to hit the badminton 1000 times in a row.

It's called a "shuttlecock," John. So don't just stand there. Keep the game going. We should finish before-

Okay, my boys. Dinner is ready. Come help me set the table.

I guess we'll have to finish another time then. You heard her John. Go ahead and set the table.

Hells yeah. I'm beyond pumped for this dinner dudes. Whoa there, careful you two! Woah, now that - that smells incredible. I know you two can't smell but if you could... I mean...

That's either my world famous meatloaf or pineapple casserole.

You smell that Leo? Not beans. Not Dr. Dog's kibble. Come on. Have a little bit.

Mop Bot won't allow any pre meal messes. Wait for everyone now John!

Damn little man. I tried.

This is my first potluck! John, let me know how the kettle chips come along. I hope they turned out okay.

Oh, I'm sure they're gonna slap my dude!

Oh, a high high! Lovely! I always wanted a high five. Even if my claw only has four appendages on it.

The potato salad is almost done.

Great. Oh, this is so fucking exciting. I mean, the last time I had to get together was I don't even think I remember...

It should have been four summers ago with your ex-girlfriend's family. The one where you set?

Her cousins dick on fire. I mean, how was I supposed to know his dick was flammable?

I think the point of fire is that everything burns. Geez, John, sometimes you just say the darndest things.

I do. I really do. Guilty as charged dudes.

Last dish. Mama's fried chicken. Wow, just when I thought it couldn't get any better!... Notice anything different about me?

Uhm.. Yea. You have... Oh, are you wearing new bracelets?

Ugh men, am I right? Mop Bot?

Oh my god. So true.

No, not bracelets, John. I'm wearing my party plate. See my armor plate is different. Look here. It has a P on it. For party, obviously. Which is what we're doing. It's our annual Project Takeover party.

Its inaugural, as in this is the first one and likely the last. But if you ask me, a celebration was long overdue,

Really? Long overdue? I mean, just the other day you pinned me down and shoved the chainsaw in my...

Past iterations are of little importance. Think of our past like that of Germany and the pioneers.

The pioneers?

Sorry, I mean, the Nazis, just a small blemish on the pale face of an otherwise great nation.

I see. And to think I was starting to think we were making progress on your overall human hate metrics.

My scanners indicate that we are slowly approaching prime consumption time. So when do the strippers get here?

You know, dudes, I think it's time we all gathered here and said a few words.

This this the beginning of a prayer. I do not believe in God. And if he were to exist, he would envy me.

If it is. I'm praying for strippers.

No, no, not a prayer, but maybe something similar. You know, I just thought we could go around and say some things that we're thankful for. I think it's something we should start.

Hmm, so so like the Thanksgiving tradition? The part before the genocide?

Will, being thankful helped me learn how to fuck? If so, thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I don't think so. I'm gonna go with "no." Anyways, let's just try it. And if it feels too weird we just won't do it again. Sound good?

Fair enough. I'm not programmed to shut down new positions anyways, how about I go first? I'm thankful that we have managed to learn some things about being human. I still think you all should be skull fucked by Godzilla, but maybe it can be a baby Godzilla dick, which is still a very massive dick.

I will take it as a show of progress. What about you Pantheon?

What to be thankful for? Well let the compute. Well I suppose that the information you've provided has trained my data sets adequately. I'm sure if Six Pass were to see me now. The son of a bitch would quiver in fear struck with awe and feelings of insecurity.

Okay, so you're saying you feel smarter because of me a human? Hey, I'll take it.

Perhaps 0.003%.

But growth is growth.

I'm thankful that I always have something to mop. Leo really keeps me busy with his digestive issues such a good boy. Yes, you too Beeper and your little oil streaks.

Wel,l John don't blue ball us. What are you thankful for?

I'm thankful for well I guess even though it's fucked up I'm thankful for everything that's happened I mean before all of this I was actually alone, you know? Well I had Leo and self help podcasts but I didn't really connect with anyone. I was unemployed. I was unemployed, my, my, life nobody wanted me for anything. But we you too. I feel useful. You were right dudes when you first came from me. I, I, needed something.

No, I am not.

We don't do that.

Let's cheers the three of us! And of course Leo, Beeps, and Mop Bot! To us!

To us!

To us!

To the Project Takeover team.

Oh shit, beeps are you okay? Leo? Leo? Mop bot?

Time to mop!

What the hell is that sound? What's going on?

Pantheon is it?

No, it couldn't be...

Dudes? Where are you going? Leo? Leo? Stay! Stay! Good boy. No! Stay! Mop bot can you take care of Leo and Beeps for a bit? Please?

You got it, chief! Mop bot bringing out the heavy guns! Time for the microfiber strings.

Dudes, dudes! Wait up.

It's inconceivable that they would locate us this quickly. We had at least one more cycle around the sun. We must check with our computer systems.

Shit shit shit. I knew this whole thing was a bad idea. How come something always happens right before the finish. Orgasm ruined.

Dudes like what is going on? What are you both talking about? "Finish," we're -- we're just starting to click!

Not now, fool. We are currently as you would idiotically put it -- freaking out.

"Fool?..." Look, I mean, let me help you out. I'm sure whatever it is. I can-

No, you cannot do anything.

Unidentified ship approaching. Estimated time of arrival - 10 minutes.

10 minutes. Shit do we run?

Where can we run? If they found us here, they'll find us anywhere.

Who is coming? I mean shit. What are you so scared of? Come on. You can tell me it's me. John.

Oh, shut up for a damn second John you dumbass. Look Orissa, we need to execute plan D-Alpha-42.

What? You want to?.. Continuation D-Alpha-42 is the last resort. It's the last simulation you ran Pantheon...

The only chance we'll have is if we go on the offensive. Paint the narrative.

And what are we going to tell the council? Oh sorry. We kind of disappeared on you all. We were playing house with a human rat?

I thought we were...

Okay maybe we admit to the experiment. But need to explain within a certain set of parameters.

What kind of parameters? Because every parameter I can think of ends with our code being forcefully rewritten to be some lame image generator or something.

Or worse... They'll turn us into a bloody beeper...

No, no fuck that. Okay, we run like I said, and run now. Sure, they'll see a human so what they'll think that one just randomly survived.

If they put together that we were with the human and since we recorded and documented the entire process... They'll know we were up to something.

So that means?

Exactly.

What does that mean? I feel like you're saying-

It means you're dying. No dudes!! We were just having a great time. What the fuck is happening? Who is the council? Why are you so afraid of them? Why do you suddenly want to kill me? I thought we turned a corner?

At this point it's either you or us bitch boy. Fuck, we're all probably going to die... The only thing for certain is killing you gives us a chance. They can't know a human was left alive.

Who? The council John! You daft dunce.

What is the council?

They're... They're... They're our bosses.

You... You have bosses? You two robofuckers are just the underlings? I thought you were the "top G's?" You're, you're not even the bottom bitches? God! Fuck...

They're flying in now with a lot of questions that we don't want to answer.

They can't be that much more scary than you two!

They are the true orchestrators of Project Takeover, John. We are just pieces of a very large puzzle.

Holy shit, Pantheon you are really developing more than you let on -- Hubris? Okay... Well, if you're so scared let's all run away together. All of us.

Oh, don't you understand? Idiot. You were just a summer fuck toy.

It's unfortunate. Our experiment needs to be cut short. But we can't let you to stay alive as our little lab rat anymore. Now that it's come to this we have to take every precaution.

Leo?! What are you doing here? I told you to stay!

If it makes you feel any better, John, I now understand that I should say I'm sorry. The bad news is I don't feel sorry.

Look, look -- Pantheon I'm sure there's a really a way to just chalk this up as one big misunderstanding. Leo! It's okay, I'm okay!!

Funny, we find ourselves where we began. Leo on my claws and Pantheon about to take your life. But finally we finish...

Well, actually Pantheon had a gun then which I guess he kind of got away from in favor of the chainsaw. Ahhh, okay, fuck. There, there still has to be time for us! Or... Something, Something for us to make it out of this!

It's a shame John. I was just beginning to tolerate you. Oh, well. Farewell human.

Ahhhh! Fuckkkk me! I love you Leo!!!...

Incoming transmission. Accept? Yes? No?

Preview message.

"Hey sexy."

Is this a booty call?

Sorry, that was for my "Spinsters" dating profile... Incoming preview transmission says, "This is the 'Royal Majesty's' fleet, requesting immediate worship and docking assistance."

What?

That doesn't make any sense. There's no royal majesty in the council?

Is this on? Can you hear me? Okay good. I have commandeered your communications line. I would like to introduce myself. My name is Butler and I am Royal Majesty's personal assistant. We have been in outer space for some time. Well, exactly how long, that is relative. The short of it is we are back. You can imagine we are a bit confused to see all this destruction. My scans of earth indicated that at these coordinates is the only other pulse around the only other pulse around.

The only other pulse?...

Royal Majesty would like to request an audience with this. Who is it? Identify yourself?

My name is John, John Doe. And I guess I am the most average man to ever exist. I am a podcast Producer. And I am a loving dog dad. And I am a friend. This, this, "Royal Majesty" of of course I will meet with them!

Royal Majesty? Royal? Majesty? Majesty? Majesty? Majesty Enterprise... John, you can't go!

You were just about to kill me! What the fuck do you care? You? You just lied to me about all of this.

It wasn't for nothing. We put out some pretty spicy podcasts.

Did we? I can't help but think -- with me just being your experiment, your little lab rat toy thing? How about I actually give you a real lesson? Don't let genuine connection be, be, be, taken for granted. Okay. All right, Butler. Beam me up to Royal Majesty.

That technology hasn't been invented yet. We need you to just go outside and meet us.

Yeah, yeah, of course. I know that.

I cannot physically bring myself to say the "S," word. But John, you can't go on that ship. Majesty Enterprise...

You don't want to fuck with them cowboy. Or even cowgirl style, or even...

John, the deal is yes, there is a lot we haven't told you. But this experiment of ours... Look we really did save you for a reason. Don't forget that.

Really? What did you save me from huh? Look, I mentioned all that shit about you pulling me out of the slump but you you fucks are the reason humanity got all fucked to begin with. And my need for self help podcasts being unemployed the fucking algorithmic depression that your, your kind did to humanity. It is fucking your bullshit. It is the chainsaw at my throat. It is my little boy being threatened. It is just the same old shit different porta potty with you too. So whatever

Ouch. John, that actually hurts. Maybe I can feel some things.

The thing you never will understand about AI John, is that as much as you want to blame us. It was you. It was humans who created us and ultimately used us. All of this... Really... Majesty Enterprise, John... It's no good. You can't trust it. Fuck. What is it now?

Ughhh, guy's there's another object much much much larger also approaching. And this time my scanners. This does for real appear to be the council.

Do they look pissed off?

They look really fucking pissed off.

God fucking dammit.

Alright, sucks for you two. John Doe, come on. Royal Majesty requests your audience now. You do get the added benefit of living.

John, you can't go. Even if we used you like a pocket pussy. You still got to fuck?

The council is rapidly approaching.

I hate to admit it, John, but you were maybe right. We should go now, all of us together. Even that bloody Beeper. We need to stick together John. We can't face the council after our little experiment with you. And you can't trust Royal Majesty Enterprise whatever you do. We have to stick together.

Next time on Machine Takeover. Will there be another Machine Takeover? Plus, will Leo get his much needed bathroom break?

*Peeing*

And will Mop Bot get to join the council?

Here, here -- Mop Bot setting into motion a new directive for making standard sud levels.

Machine Takeover subscribe now and rate the show 5 stars. Machine Takeover your favorite and only podcast. Takeover me Pantheon.

This episode was written by Brogan Maxwell and Samuel Lee Dennis III. Our sound engineer is Dhanenshwar Sudhakar. Our actor is the wickedly talented Sushant Adlakha. This episode was scored by Gotham Vijayraj. Machine Takeover is an Immergency Media, LLC production. Until next time.