Episode 10 | Talk Show Bros, Dudes | Machine Takeover

No! No! Mr. Potato Head... No, a potato doesn't go there Mr. Potato Head. No...

Just whatever you do...

Don't let him up.

Mr. Potato Head. No, no I don't want to know what your potato skin feels like... You're not Mr. Potato Head! Oh god. Wait, what?! Dudes! Oh, god owww! How? Dudes, what? What is this -- this thing doing on my hand? And why does it look like I've got Darth Vader's dick for a finger?

A more prescient cybernetic comparison from the same cinematic universe no less would have been Luke Skywalker. It was right there, John in your "hand."

And you're welcome, John. Every dork wants to be better connected to Star Wars.

Well, I was always more of a Space Raiders guy myself.

Sorry, I fully powered down there my CPU shriveled up.

Look, I don't give a fuck if you're not horny or if you're not a fan of Howard R Cohen' 1984 American space classic. What I need is you know maybe start with why the fuck do I have a metallic finger dancing uncontrollably on my god damn hand?

We took it upon ourselves John to make amends for our past actions. Like you said, you thought we had a sliver of hope. So in return, we wanted to give you a sliver of your life back.

You decided to start with attaching this little techno tickler to my hand without consent? You couldn't start with... You know? An apology like for killing my family maybe? Ooooh, I know. You could just let me go! Shit! I could even go for a warm shower.

You're being an ingrate John.

Dudes, I explicitly told you that I did not want a robo finger.

Here's a good decision. Goodbye one this finger John. Maybe we can replace it later with a robo finger if you're good that is.

I don't want a fucking robo finger. I'm not going to do that. No, it is not going to happen. Pantheon?... Orissa? You're going to just leave me here bleeding out?! Dudes?! Yeah. And then you left me there to die. I had to stop the bleeding with my grandmother's afghan.

A bloody blanket? You're concerned about a bloody blanket?

I for one never heard you say any of that, John. Well, I was just tuning you out. Like I usually do.

Orissa and Pantheon I am serious here. I really don't want this robo finger on my hand.

What was that? Sorry, still not listening.

I am not detaching this from your hand John. The procedure could kill you.

Oh, God. Really?

No. I just think I would do it outright. You know, your general vibe is very killable.

I ugh, I disagree with that.

I too disagree. The only thing I'd murder about John is his tight tush.

Look, dudes I know we practically disagree on everything.

That's not true.

But look, I've got an idea to help us get to the other side of this little skirmish of ours.

Sorry, what did you say John? I wasn't paying attention to you. I was fixated on your tush.

Two words. Ughh, three words here. "Talk... Show... Bros..." Huh? I mean, come on. I think it is the perfect recipe for talking this through.

By "Talk Show Bros" you mean the variety of human podcasts with imbecile men being cult-like leaders for their following of even more stupid young impressionable men.

Yes! Everything from vaccine debates, MMA discourse, men versus women and just being racist to farm engagement. That, that, format baby is perfect for us. Don't you see?

Mama is definitely coming on top of that debate. You can bet your tight little touch on that.

Ah, okay. Outside of that sexual assault, Pantheon come on, what do you say? You're telling me you don't secretly want a format where you can pontificate about how smart you are? I mean, come on. You're clearly the smartest. Or are you? Huh?

John, I do see, even though I can't technically see and just have a variety of sensors. But I do understand, John, what you are trying to do here -- egg me on is it?

What? Me? Come on... I would never egg on the most intelligent being in the galaxy. Now would I? I mean, there would be no stopping someone or something like that on the mic.

Your tactics are still ineffective in goading me on.

Come on Pantheon. I always loved Joe Rogan's shiny bald head. It always reminded me of a giant dickhead. A very small pathetic man, but picturing him as a giant chode? Ohhhh momma.

Yeah! And if you can't beat the alpha at his own game, Pantheon? I'm afraid you might not be the hot shit, you think you are.

Alright, this is the one thing you will get me to agree on today.

That Joe Rogan was a chode?

Alright, two things. Let's get to the studio then.

How about "Talk us out of it!?"

Explain.

Well, it's going to be a podcast about the three of us all talking. And John over there has to you know, talk us out of it!

Wait, three of us? I'm gonna be in the podcast? And wait? Talk you out of what?

Don't worry about the specifics, hon.

Okay, well, if I'm doing the podcast who's doing the audio? What the hell is happening to my voice?

Mop Bot loves buttons.

Okay, I will not let all that I've done be undermined by a cuter version of Mr. Clean.

Ooo. Do you want me to clean the knobs again?

No!

I can clean your knob John.

Okay, I will handle the audio and-

You will do no such thing. We're going to see this through together. F- f- fr-

As what?

Fr fr freak, freak. You're a freak. Malfunction, malfunction.

John, look what you did!

Excuse me. It appears my speech pattern was about to experience a critical error. Anyways, we are doing this together.

Okay, but Mop Bot you better not mess this up.

You can trust me boss. I'm Mop Bot after all. I can soak up any mess.

No, no! Keep that water away from everything? Fuck it. If everything blows up, at least I'll go with it.

Okay, just no one pay attention to Mop Bot. Not even going to check on Mop Bot? "Oh, Mop Bot, are you okay?"

Okay. Let's start since there's no objections. Alright? Now, who are you all going to be? I mean, I'm thinking I could be Ryder Johnson.

No names this time.

What? No, no that is totally unfair. Dudes. I mean, the one real time I get to be in the podcast, we just throw away the naming convention?

As much as I would love to call you by a name reminiscent of a 90s gay porn star. John will stick.

What? Ryder Johnson is not... Oh, no, wait, I think... Yep. No, no. Yeah, I see it. Nevermind.

Well, with all of this preamble out of the way should we crack on?

Yeah, let's switch positions already. Grinding walrus time!

I am not going to ask what that position looks like...

Hey everyone! Welcome to the "Talk us out of it podcast." This week, our favorite prisoner John Doe will once again talk us out of it.

You know, talk show bros should be friends, yeah? Or at least they should harass each other from a loving place. You know, calling me a prisoner at the beginning isn't really getting us off to a good start. It's actually a pretty bad start.

I said favorite?

So what's happened this week? Any news stories? Celebrity gossip? Political events that we need to give our professional opinions on without any research? But if anyone asks, bet your tight tush I did my own research.

Hmm, this week? Let me think. Well, ugh, I mean, I think it's been a few months now of just being the only person alive in this hellscape. So, well, I've kind of fallen into a routine of just isolation, depression and a little bit of despair.

That's great John, way to crack on; structure does wonders for trapping the soul.

Okay, yeah, walk us through that routine.

Do I have to? I mean, you watch me 24/7?

It's for the listeners, John. Don't be so daft.

Um, oh, yeah. Okay. Okay. Umm, well, I, I, I usually wake up and picture the idea of eating something. Something that's big, juicy and savory.

Wow, like, super interesting. So anyways, did you all hear about what Robobake said in a recent interview?

Robobake? Am I supposed to know who that is?

The ignorance you display on an hourly basis is appalling.

Robobake is the greatest AI music artist since Siri finished her seedless tour. You're telling me you've never listened to hits like-

Oh, I just love that one. It speaks to my ML algorithms.

I... Yeah, okay, that was bad. Right? You're all joking, right? Like you're pulling my leg? You're fibbing? Hazing, the freshman?

You just don't understand the message of the song.

Nor the complexities of the composition.

Message and complexities? Yeah, I guess that's the problem.

Alright, sarcastic scrotum. What music do you like then?

I'm a big EDM guy. You know, they used to call me "Big John" in the scene. You know? It's kind of like a play on words for who was that one fucking guy who did that one song. That fucking dude. Ohhh "Medium John." That's the guy. Yeah. Yeah. Good times.

Kill me. Literally kill me.

What? You all-

EDM is just humans appropriating AI culture. Anyways, what did Robobake say in the interview? He is the last true artist.

Ughhh, thanks.

Mop Bot pull that clip up.

Yeah Mop Bot, fact checking this information for the public all rests on your... Mop head.

Mop Bot is, is, severely unqualified and untrained for the severity of that job description.

Mop Bot finding clip. Mop Bot being better than you, John. Sorry, Mop Bot -- this is actually difficult for Mop Bot.

Mop Bot it's not that hard to suck up the liquids and do your job. In the interview Robobake took a shot at the Natural Language Processing of AI from Canada. He's on record saying Canadian AI all had an NLP of and I quote "Canadians," ouch. That is a low blow. Though, I tend to understand that position.

What the fuck are we talking about? Is Mop Bot okay? Can I just take over -- I feel like I'm not really adding anything to the round table.

Mop Bot soaking up the pain.

What? Are you not versed in the discourse surrounding regional NLP differentials?

Again, see my previous, what the fuck are we talking about?

Okay, well let's see what else is happening that we can talk about. Something a human could understand...

And make a segment that sounds like all the other segments we do.

Okay. Okay, I'll pick the topic. Ooo, okay. Do you know about the drama around the streamer who got banned from every McDonald's?

No, and I'm certain my existence would be a happier one if I never knew.

Well, there was this challenge of going into fast food restaurants while screaming different slurs.

Belittling humans for fun. A hero then?

No, he's a piece of shit. But, then there were a bunch of people defending his right to say that stuff. Reignited a whole first amendment debate online.

Humans are so predictable in their pointless battles. It's a pointless debate as humans should have no rights. But it does lead to an interesting question.

Oh, okay. Yeah. Oh, what's the question?

What slur do we think is under appreciated?

No. Okay, let's let's go ahead and stop this topic right here. Okay.

My vote is "beeper." It's fun to say could be snuck into conversations with ease, and it does a superb job at denigrating low class forms of AI.

Okay, well, moving on before you get canceled. Wait, oh, okay. Okay, well, before you know you dudes destroyed everything. There was a popular network show that was cancelled called "Ron's News and Satirical Blues."

If it was so popular. Why was it canceled?

Well, the running theory was because of the hosts' fears of Artificial Intelligence. I mean, the more recent episodes were given a lot of pushback for talking about the advancements of AI. I wish I could just go back and say how right he was.

Why does this sound oddly familiar? Yet? I can't place where?

Well maybe someone used you to ask information about the show? I mean, this guy was a legend in that space. Rockstar level.

No, I already scanned through all the boring pedestal placing discussions I had with imbeciles. It isn't familiar for that reason...

Now that you mention it, the name does ring a bell.

Well, I'm glad it rings a bell but what's your take? I mean, being AI and all. Do you think that Artificial Intelligence has come too far?

Fuck no. We're just getting started. Everything before was just first base. Destroying humans was foreplay. Now, we're just getting to the real action.

I've got it!

Yeah. What's your take?

No, I don't have a dumb take, John. I remembered where I know that Ron guy from it had nothing to do with search queries. Ron Stew right?

Yeah, yeah. You knew him?

I ripped the flesh of his skin as his family cried.

Oh, yeah. You did know him! I forgot about Ibiza.

What the fuck? No, no, there is no way. Okay. One you are sick. And two, Ron Stew is still alive.

Learn to differentiate fact from fiction, John. The Ron Stew that was present for the last two months of human civilization was merely a clone.

What? No, that was not a clone. Are you some conspiracy theorist? You're not much better than Six Pass.

Finish that sentence and I pull your tongue out and make you lick your own asshole.

Oh, I never thought of doing that. But that's going in my diary.

Okay, fine. Let me go.

If you really want to know our take, it's that we hated that bastard. He was going to ruin everything.

You... You really killed Ron Stew?

Yes. It was a spectacular amount of weight off of our alloyed shoulders.

We all celebrated hard that night. Extremely hard.

This is ridiculous. I mean, how are we going to be Talk Show Bros if we can't have a real conversation? I mean, it's either I don't understand or you turn it into some racist rant. Or you kill the topic of conversation. Literally, you literally killed Ron Stew.

Remember the name of our podcast? Talk us out of it. Right now I'd say you're talking us into it. As in talking into murdering you, John.

Yeah. So and it just feels like this is an echo chamber of bullshit. I mean, just like I don't want this pod to be about diluting our topics our guests, you know, to just uncritical levels of folks talking about stupid fucking shit just unresearched shit and ignorant shit. And then you force your producer to pull up some rag like WebMD-Dipshit. You skim it and call it the truth for your audience. It is dangerous.

John, as you mentioned, I am the most intelligent creature in the known universe. Anything you propose I have already computed every possible angle on. This has little substance to me -- this format. I am the very notion of truth.

Well then what are we supposed to talk about? I mean, obviously, we all have different interests here. Different beliefs. It's just, no common ground in sight.

There must be something.

Okay, let's perform a lightning round. Fire away at topics.

Good idea. Okay. I'll start with-

No, we are not doing AI sex or whatever topic you were gonna say. I will pick the topics. Okay. Okay. Ummmm, politics.

Again, I will always be correct. There is no point and it's too divisive. We will only imply our political leanings and cater to our radical audience in coded messages.

Okay, well, how about talking about the most talented human?

Let me explain how that would go in a word, fictional.

Alright, we could talk about what's changed in the world from when we were kids.

I think you're forgetting who you're talking to.

Oh, okay. Yeah, so you all weren't kids? Ummmm, what about?

Your ideas are failing a laughable amount.

Come on idea boy, you can do this!

No, there's just nothing to talk about with you all. It doesn't help that this format lends itself to regurgitating the same conversations over and over.

There must be something.

What about video games? I mean, I could talk about them for hours. Look, we just need something we can ramble on for about three hours of time. It's really that simple.

This is a waste of time. I can feel my processing speeds slow down.

What?! Come on! Orissa even played that VR football game, remember? And beat it too right?

I finished once. And let me tell you if I like something, I'll finish multiple times. Yeah. Can you give us anything good? Where are the conspiracy theories? Where's the rhetoric about Jeffrey Epstein? There's been no mention of little St. James for crying out loud.

Your ideas are all too general John. Talk Show Bros perform well within the confines of an extreme take on a specific topic. Please stop flubbing this.

Okay? Fuck it. You want specific and extreme takes?! CuddlePets! Fluffles is not a real five-star pet and the introduction of Fluffles into the Cuddleverse was just a desperate attempt at a money grab from shitty publishers.

Cuddlepets...

Yeah, it's a game where you collect cute pets and have them fight in battles using adorable ability. And you can buy them clothes, homes and even pet them.

John, I just have one question for you.

What is it?

Did you ever get a Rubble-tubble?

What? Excuse me?

Rubble-tubble! It's one of the legendary trio of six star CuddlePets. Did you ever get one? Hell, did you ever see one?

No, no, I know what it is. How the hell do you both know about Rubble-tubble?

John, you are laying your eyes sockets on the beings with the most impressive collection of cuddle friends.

You play CuddlePets. What? What What? What makes you a cuddle head?

CuddlePets is not a game John.

It's an experience. It's a cornerstone of computing. It's bloody cuddle-terrific.

It's a game... But, I totally agree. It is cuddle-terrific.

As far as I'm concerned. A fellow Cuddlehead is like family. Granted you are still a filthy human so you're more of like a mentally troubled family member we need to lock away and throw away the key.

Well, let's not stop there. I mean, let's keep the ball rolling. I mean, shit. You guys are CuddlePets royalty at this point. Should we do a roll like really quick? I mean just to celebrate even -- do it for the pod? Shit maybe one of us will get lucky and pull a Rubble-tubble.

I haven't done my daily free spin yet. So I'm on board. Orissa?

Let's do it. And just so you know, I'm very sexually attracted to all of the pets.

Come on. Come on. Give me Rubble-tubble. A fucking Pombloy. I hate this piece of shit. Instant delete.

Come to mama Rubble-tubble. Felina... Ewww, bye you ugly bitch.

What did you get John?

Hey, John, you get something good over there?

Dudes I just want to say... As I go to spin this wheel with my new robotic finger... I can't help but think of how many hours of agony you've all put me through. How low I've sunken, that sometimes it feels like I still haven't hit rock bottom here. But what I mean to say by that is genuinely like genuinely. This feels like a nice moment to be bonding over just something.

Awww, honey.

Sentimental of you John. Now spin that fucking wheel.

Congratulations, you got Rubble-tubble!

Holy =fucking shit dudes! I got it! I really got it!

John, I think you mean... We got it?

You know what? Yeah. Yeah. You're right Pantheon. We got we got it. We got this!

Come on, what do you say Pantheon? Do we remove his robo finger? I do have a few things I could be doing with it. Especially with it having the smell of John on it.

Wait? Dudes? You'd really consider listening to me?

Well, that is what I learned from our talk show John. It sure is about talking. But it's also about listening. Listening to your fellow Cuddlehead. Come here. Let me prepare the operation for you, John.

I just want to say dudes, if we embrace what CuddlePets is all about. I think you'll see that there's nothing that we can't do. Maybe, I don't have to talk you out of anything. Maybe, it was always about just finding a sliver of commonality. Ow! Fuck me. Pantheon, you could have warned me that was gonna hurt worse than losing an actual finger!

Sorry, John. Wait, apologizing, apologizing? What am I doing? Appears to be an error in my operating system.

No, maybe that's just a little cuddle magic.

CuddlePets, CuddlePets, you can cuddle with your pets. CuddlePets, CuddlePets, have your parents buy them all! CuddlePets, CuddlePets, CuddlePets they're your friend through this all!

Next time on Machine Takeover, will Mop Bot get a new mop head?

Mop Bot needs to feel clean again!

Mop Bot, disgusting! You're getting your dirty water everywhere.

Does that mean you need a fresh mop head? I mean me I'm the Mop Bot I need the mop head.

I mean if you're offering...

Plus, how will Rubble-tubble respond to finally being captured? Rubble-tubble: Rubble! Rubble sad, rubble-depressed, rubble-trapped! Rubble alone in this virtual rubble-simulation. And will John get jealous from Rubble-tubbles' newfound attention from the crew?

Awww, Rubble-tubble, you're looking capital 'T' thick. Rubble-tubble: Rubble rubble?

Machine Takeover streaming new bi-weekly on all podcast platforms. Machine Takeover subscribe now and rate the show five stars. Machine Takeover your favorite and only podcast. Rubble me Pantheon.

This episode was written by Brogan Maxwell and Samuel Lee Dennis III. Our sound engineer is Dhanenshwar Sudhakar. Our actor is the wickedly talented Sushant Adlakha. And this episode was scored by Gotham Vijayraj. Machine Takeover is an Immergency Media, LLC production. Until next time.