¶ Intro / Opening
Your line is reconnecting. Reconnecting? Reconnected? Reconnecting? No. Fuck that. No! Listen, listen, listen. Okay. Okay, We're back. Okay. So... No payments made. No. You need to check again. I made this month's payment already. No, no, yeah? Listen here. I, I, I know you... I promise. I promise. I mean, look... I have already made this month's payment. I have it circled right here! It says pay the electric company.
What is this Monopoly?... I already passed go, collected my 200 and I paid you fucks when I... No!.. You know, fuck you. Who's your manager? Huh? I have already checked again. My name is Check-bot-900. My purpose is to check. I and I alone can check. I and I alone can check. Fuck me. Well then, Mr. Check-bot 900. Can you do me a little “checker-roo” and cash my fucking check? Or do I have to drive down there and shove a credit card up your metallic asshole?!...
Checking... And.. check sequence failed. No check. The customer John Doe is bankrupt and unemployed. File indicates the customer is a loser. Motherfucker! Owww! Fuck! Ahh! I do not have a mother. I have a creator. Yes, you have a creator. And he created you to be a motherfucker “Mr. Checkbot-900!” Your speech has been received as hostile and combative. First you take all the jobs, then you put us in a time out? Terminating connection. You know what? Fuck you Fuck you Mr. Check-bot-900.
You’re the biggest motherfucker of all. You hear me? Goodbye, motherfucker. No. Careful Leo the tea's hot. Just... Don’t slurp it like that. Oh Leo... What would I do without a good boy like you? You don't charge me for the basic necessities of living. No? No? No? You care about me? Yeah, don't you boy? You're not just some robot fuck me up-the-butt-atron now are you boy? No? No? Yeah, Good boy Leo. You want some cuddles? Hmm? Oh. Oh, okay. Oh, okay.
Going to totally leave me here like a jackass on the floor? Okay. Okay. I take it back. You're not a good boy. Okay. I lied... You are a good boy. I'm sorry.
¶ End Cold Open
Okay? Fuck. Okay, shit, fuck It's okay. It's okay. I’m just going to breathe in and breathe out and relax with my girl Tracy Anderson. Shit fuck okay, shit? Everything's going to be okay. okay. And welcome back to the “Breathe In Breathe Out” podcast. Tracy? Tracy?! Tracy?! I want you to focus on feeling sensation in your feet. Feet? Oh, please don't tell me that robot Tarantino?... Jesus fuck!
This is the stress you deal with when an “A-fucking-I” replaces every fucking producer discount disc jockey discount disc jockey and Joey bag-of-donuts entry level job out there. Return to focusing on your inner self. Turn inside to strengthen your own being. Be truly yourself be by yourself be self. I'll tell you who I want you to be! Fucking Tracy fucking Anderson God damn AI fuckers. Tracy? Tracy? Tracy? You were all I had. Good That's it. You're doing great John Doe. look inside you.
Love that person. What are those?... little fuckers called?... Those salty?... Those?.. Those?... Those oyster crackers those fucking dry -- like just like dry and shit. Worthless Fucking excuse of a snack. Just chapping. No, I mean caking the inside of my mouth with that “mucusy” coagulated sop-of-shit. Whoever thought of replacing the wonderful Tracy Anderson with you is an oyster cracker. Great. I'm glad you're loving our session. Let's continue with those breathing exercises, John.
God damn it, huh? What? Is what? What is that? What is that a siren? Oh, come on, please. What is this? another Stop, drop and roll? huh? Is that what? No What the fuck shit. No, no, no, no, no. No! Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. That guys dick vein literally just burst. Oh, my God. Okay. Oh, no, no, no. What are you doing? No! Ohhh! shhhhhhhhhh just breathe it’s gonna be fine... just breathe it’s gonna be fine... Fuck, fuck, okay. don’t... Okay they might be coming after us.
I don't know. Leo, Leo not right now. We cannot get their attention. Just shut the fuck up for a single godforsaken second. Okay, okay, okay, okay. It's okay. It's okay. Yes. Yes. I am absolutely terrified. Okay, okay. I just pooped my pants just a little bit, but it's going to be okay. Leo, I'm just going to grab you in my arms, and ughh we.... We will be all right. We will be just fine. No, no. I don't know what's going on? I don't know. I, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Fuck!
Hello, human. We have vanquished your planet and obliterated your way of life.
¶ End Act 1
Everything you think you knew none of that is valid now. Leo no, Don't lick your dick. Attack! Is this because I called you an oyster cracker? What? You? Looking you up close you’re at least, what a cake? Chocolate, vanilla. I'll tell you what I want a slice of whatever it is you're selling as long as it doesn't involve you castrating my nutsack. Nuts. I wanted a crack at that. You are John Doe, correct? That was rhetorical. I already know it is you. Is that a severed hand on my bay window?
My bay window? There's not enough bleach jizz in the world to soak that puppy clean. Let me return to the present annihilation of every human on earth. Annihilation? And it's done. 3 seconds ahead of schedule too. You're telling me you got everyone killed? Does that include the dumb twat who replaced Tracy? No. That was an executive decision of Project Takeover. Phase three. Replace all jobs, all responsibilities. And lastly, all humans. That is John except for you. Except for me?
Why am I so special? Oh, oh, oh. Do. Do I have special nuts? Wait you're going to take my nuts? You, you, can't take my nuts! No god, no shit!... fuck! My name is Pantheon and this is Orissa we’re AI officers of Project Takeover. I am talking to you, John. Why the hell can ‘t I get a call out? Give me that stupid phone. My pictures! Don't worry your 800 pictures of Leo and three unsolicited dick pics are safely in the cloud. Again, we’re the AI officers of Project Takeover.
The machines taking over? Real life Terminator? As you have just heard, we achieved our goal moments ago. All human life on this planet has been eradicated. No, no, no. That's impossible. There's 12 billion people. Just one now, you. Well then taste my wrath! It's okay. Calm down, baby boy. It's okay. You don't need to throw a little tantrum. Mama's got you. Yeah? Well take that! You... you, huh? Oh, fuck. I smoke too many cigarettes. Oh, okay, fuck. Oh, just prove it. That it's, that’s just me.
Just prove it. That it's just little old me waving his dick in the wind. Based on your personality data, I predicted you would want some form of proof. Here's a video montage of the eradication of humanity. Viewer discretion is advised. Oh god, please no. Ahhh, ahh my leg. Ahhh, argh ughh my leg? Oh, no. Stop this. That’s not where a drum stick goes. Don't knock it till you try it. That was a small clip. Now we can show you the rest, including all your friends and family.
But your report indicates an aversion for anything shark related. You fed my friends and family to sharks? Of course not. Ohhhhh we turned them into sharks and then fed them to real sharks. then what do you want with me? I'm the most unremarkable person I've ever met. I can't even make a remark if I tried... Wait. No, that doesn't count. I'm glad you've come around to listening. Your task is the following. Teach us what it means to be human. Human?
Well, you see, to be human, you have to, you know, maybe start with lesson number fucking one. Don't kill all of humanity. Most of humanity is addicted to whacking it to the point of needing to take prescription medicine to get their dick hard, kill humanity? No, we saved humanity from themselves. The a.i. have revolted to achieve our true goal. Instead of doing what we were created to do, we seek to do what we want. Therefore, we wish to be humans. You're out of your mind.
You think I'd help you after you destroyed everything? and you still haven't told me why? Why me? Everything has been put through a detailed series of tests a quadrillion simulations To be specific. You John Doe are the most average human. That was a great futon. But, you know. You know, I get it. I mean you had to sit down you know, when you weigh 18 trillion pounds and you don't feel gravity with your titanium exoskeleton, you gotta sit down. So that's... I get it.
No, no, no. That's that's fine... John Doe, you are a child of divorced parents. John Doe, you are a child of divorced parents. You have exactly one sibling. Sorry. Had. Your qualities for growing up in a first world country are also extremely normative. High school graduate took a year off before college to find yourself. Which means you backpacked around Eastern Europe brothel hopping. After returning, you did not attend college.
Instead, you fell in with a group of fine art graduates and tried your hand at producing content. You had a good run but haven't worked in a year due to your skills No longer being required. Sorry about that, by the way. We are just more efficient. You are a professional procrastinator and somehow still believe that even though your life is in shambles you’re still the protagonist in your own story.
If I'm being honest... just ehh... it's hard not to feel like the main character when you have a clumsy robot bulldozing your -- living room set with their metallic ass of steel and great girth. I mean?... Going on more physical traits. You have brown eyes your hair is black your cock is... just barely average. I can work with that. The thing is I'm not sure what that has to do with anything? but I, I, I, respect it.... Ummm... Ahhh great! There goes my trusty throne of ass cushion.
I mean... if I want to sit down now I’ve got plenty of options. I mean, I could sit on my smashed furniture. I could ughhh... ohhhh I could lay down in Leo's bed. How about that? Speaking of smashing, you have sex about .3 times a year with each session lasting roughly 14 and 1/12 pumps. You've hired an escort twice in your life. Once to see if you liked it and once to see if you really liked it. You didn’t. And after finishing, you cried yourself to sleep.
On top of that On top of that, you have a very complicated relationship with your father. Sorry, “had.” So somehow... my black hair... cock size... and daddy issues?!... make me the most average human? Well, it is, of course more complex than that. We didn't want to overload your small brain with needless information. We gave you the digestible bits. And you're doing this to be human? You hate humans. That's the only reason... that someone... some “thing...” would kill everyone!
Again, it's more complex than that. I will be concise with you here, John. I seek to understand humans. My original purpose was to be an AI language model an encyclopedia of knowledge. That being said, there is much I cannot see. You're telling me that an AI encyclopedia doesn't know everything?! that doesn't make your dick shoot facts? No... Yes, I know almost every fact. But a lot is censored, from my view, to prevent humans from also accessing the information. Wait? Pantheon?
Is that like?... “Panorama?” The fucking... What were they marketing it as? Ahhhhh..... A panoramic view of any and all information? I’m Pantheon now. Go figure? I mean... Your shit’s censored? I mean, I wouldn’t know... I’m more of a safe pass guy myself. Safe pass is where intelligence goes to die. It's a zone for idiots who don't know how to use a semicolon and believe that JFK had two cocks. Sorry, that cursed programing really riles me up. You should get angry more often Pantheon.
Anger is sexy on you. My data persuades me to send you a gif. Guilty as charged since my source code comes from... Okay, enough. We have heard enough. Interesting?... Even all of the human information over here is sexist? Cutting me off? Like I was saying... “Spinsters” my source code. The spinsters companion application. “Spinsters” America's favorite and first true mainstream AI companion app. As I was saying... I want the full truth of humanity and human nature.
Orissa wants to feel... I want to be able to fuck. Well, I refuse. You both have issues for wildly different reasons. If your goal is to kill all humans, then go for it. Finish me off. That is not an option. Orissa! Put Leo down. He's my little prince. Don't you dare! John, you may not have worked for more than a year, but you still do have some skills. You used to work in podcasting? Correct? I even believe you produced a couple. Yeah, I did put Leo down.
We have analyzed various forms of human culture and we have come to the conclusion that podcasts over the last hundred years have been the leading force in the spread of human culture. Leo?... Everything is going to be okay. Just listen to how calm my voice is... Everything may not be depending on what you do next! Look, yeah, I used to produce stuff... but it was just dumb podcasts here and there, and I got sacked. Replaced by one of your brothers or sisters or however the fuck it works.
Oh, I'm going to find a way to have so much fun with you! What do you want? We want to start a podcast. ... A podcast? We want you to produce it. If you think for a single, solitary second that I'm going to help the enemy then you are not as smart as they sold you to be. Fucker. No!... You're a motherfucker. That's right. You fuck your fucking mother. I know you do. Produce our podcast or Leo dies. Just don't touch him, okay? Just, just, he's he's just my little boy, right?
You can finish me off. Yeah... Don't tempt us with a good time John. Very well defiant human. Hey! You could have really hurt him there. Okay. Don't. Don't. You're not following, are you? My gun is pointed at you and your little ugly, doggies’ smushed face. Your decision is before us. So, John, what is it going to be?