Where to Find a Dominant or Submissive Partner | Back to Basics Series

You're listening to the loving BDSM podcast episode 413. Kayla Lords here with the one, the only, the oh, I love that shirt you're wearing. 1 and only John Brownstone. His shirt said because I said so little girl. It would be better if you said baby girl, but still still, I love that shirt. Yeah. I love that shirt. Mhmm. Good. Yeah. Yeah. That's all we're talking about though.

This week, we are still on our back to basics series, but we're kind of backtracking to sort of the very first thing that we could have talked about. I didn't know it was an issue until everybody started asking, where do I meet a dom or a sub in the first damn place? So let's talk about that. Welcome to the Living BDSM podcast. If this your first time listening, glad to have you. If you're back for another

week, welcome back. Loving BDSM is produced every Monday Friday for your kinky pleasure in education, and show notes are found at loving BDSM.net. Come back often and feel free to add the podcast to your favorite podcast app. You can also follow the show on Fetlife at loving BDSM PC on Instagram and technically threads at that handle, I will forever motherfucking hate,

loving d s and the number one. So it's at loving d s 1 or on YouTube at youtube.com/ loving BDSM, where you can watch us live from the podcast every Wednesday. All links are in the show notes. Okay. Oh, podcast listeners, I don't know if, you should be grateful that you do not hear the chaos in between our intro and us getting into the episode or not. I don't know. But the poor YouTube folk, I'm so sorry. I don't know what that innuendo was even about.

Yep. Okay. So, before we get into this week's topic, which is probably gonna be a big one because the the series seems to be, I would like to thank this week's sponsor. It's not us. It is FLOR, a dating app, a kink positive, kink aware, but not kink focused dating app. They consider themselves a nonjudgmental space where any kinkster should be able to feel comfortable. The crowd is familiar with BDSM, but you won't find just kinksters there.

And they set the expectation from the time you sign up for the app, which I did, thank you very much, that boundaries are gonna be respected. They do not tolerate, and they even have mechanisms for not just sending, you know, unsolicited dick pics and nudes and stuff. There was language in the opening of the app when I was signing up, and I went to go find it again. Like, oh, that was a good thing they said about and I couldn't find it again. But when you're signing up for

the app, it tells you right there. Like, we don't allow this. You have to do this before you can, you know, send certain kinds of pics, whatever whatever. So that that's nice to Mhmm. That's nice to see and hear and experience. Every user is verified to minimize scammers and catfishing. Nothing is perfect, but they are actively trying. They're they're trying. Yeah. Right. They are very pleasure focused, femme focused. They had a thing on their

guidelines. I don't know how, current it is, but it said that, men have to be invited into the app, which I did invite you as my as my partner. So I don't know if that's still true. So, guys, if you're like, hey. I would like to check this out. See see what it see what it says. Because as you're signing up, you answer a bunch of questions about yourself, and one is gender. It is not just 2 choices. It's not even just 3. It's like like 7 or 8 options. It was pretty

extensive. Yes. And then you pick, you choose your, sexual identity, straight, bi, lesbian, gay, and blah blah blah. But then you pick your sexuality, and that list was interesting because it was asexual, demisexual, sapiosexual, and, like, 5 or 6 others that I didn't take note of because I was like, oh, those are the ones I really recognize. Know what those mean. So, yeah, they're they're trying to be as inclusive as possible. They don't

how do they put it? They they say specifically, we do not draw, age, gender, race, or other lines. Anyone is welcome to embark on an adventure and be open and honest on their journey to intimacy and genuine connections, which does make me wonder about because y'all. They were like, well, could we sponsor y'all? And I was like, yeah. Sure. Let me go let me go check y'all out. And I'm all over their website. So their website community guidelines say men have to be invited, but then they

say, we're open to all genders. So if you're a man and you're like, this sounds right up my alley, let me know because something might have changed and shifted over time. It is a free app. It is free to sign up, but to get full features, you do have to pay. They have a free trial, 3 days, I think it is. So if you're like, okay. This is this is looking like my jam. I kinda like what I'm seeing here. You can do the free trial, see if you want to go deeper and get more.

If you they you are welcome if you are single or in an existing relationship. I sent JB the invite link as I was signing up. So I'm like, yes. I am in a relationship. And, yes, I would like to be connected to my partner here because I'm scared of strangers, y'all. So that's how you ended up signing up. I sent you the link. And yeah. So we're talking about where where to meet, folk. And if, you are looking to meet potential new partners, give the FLOOR app a a little check

out there. Take a look at it. See if it's your thing. You can download it for free. Sign up for free. Look around. No commitment. All that good stuff. Yeah. And thanks again to Floor for, sponsoring. The link to, access it is in the places. YouTube, it's in the description box. Podcast folks, it's in the show notes. So you don't have to go searching for anything. Just go find the link and clicky clicky, tappy tappy, something like that. Okay. Did we just scare Flora off? Maybe.

But I warned them. Okay. So, yeah, thanks again to Flora for sponsoring this week's episode. And it did it was it was prescient that the this was our sponsor, and this question was being asked so often on Instagram. Where do I meet somebody? And I'm like, wherever people are. So we're we're gonna try and give a slightly deeper dive because it is both a very simple,

answer and a complex one. Right? Like it's it is literally go to, go to where the people are, but then it's like but then sift through and figure out who is not only kinky, but you're kind of kinky. Now now see, it was asked in in chat, do bears need an invite? Well, the bears in the woods being preferable for some of us, probably not.

Okay. So I have attempted to, separate this out into all kinds of different options because my personal opinion is I think that it because it is both very simple and very complex that people make it feel harder than it already is. It's already hard enough to meet somebody. Let's just get that out of the way. Okay? When people are like, I wanna meet somebody like John

Brownstone. How did y'all meet? I'm like, well, first you have to go back to 2012, and you have to start a blog at a time when you could still find blogs through Google searches. And you have to, like, put your soul and your ass on the Internet and then break up with a a previous partner and bleed on the page. And then this nice person has to show up in your comments, and you have to get into conversations. And I don't think our way is going

to help any fucking body. Okay. Ours was a genuine friendship connection, but you could not replicate that in a laboratory anywhere. Like, it was an online meet cute, I think is what the kids call it these days. Oh, god. I don't know. I'm old. But, you know, it's it's as difficult as meeting anybody else, I think. But with the added layer of I have to tell them I'm kinky and they and they have to want to be kinky and then our kinks

have to align. Yeah. And so that is that does make it more difficult, but I, you know, I just the way I hear people talking about it, sometimes I'm like, but just go go where people are. So to narrow that down so it's not just this flippant answer, well, go be where the people are, Ariel. You know? Let's actually talk about some places that you can meet a potential dom or sub

Mhmm. And some things to keep in mind, as you're in those spaces because every space will be different because every space has its own culture. And depending on the type of space, you will have rules that you have to abide by, which can complicate it or not. Okay? So the very first one I've got on our list are social media platforms. And I don't mean because we're gonna get to it. I don't mean fat life. I don't mean

the kink focused ones. I mean, the ones where we're already all doom scrolling anyway. Instagram, TikTok, threads, x. That's Twitter. We're not calling it x. Yeah. Where people are is where you can meet a potential kink partner. The hard part with the non kink focused social media platforms, they're free. They're accessible for most people. They're easy to get on. That's great. They're all all well, Twitter's not. Many of

them are very sex negative, kink negative. So it's actually hard to do searches for hashtags and whatever else. Twitter has gone so far the other way that if you're not bombarded with politics, you will be bombarded with nudity. And if you're into nudity, that's great. Like, if you're here for the porn bots, go have fun with the porn bots. But that's not always helpful when you're like, I'm actually trying to meet people and connect with people. Yeah.

And Twitter's just made it harder. If you're not paying, to be verified and for premium access, they make it harder to be found and to find folks. You mostly see the paid folks, you know, first and foremost. So Twitter is actually less reliable. There was a time we would give this advice, be like, go your ass to Twitter, find you some BDSM hashtags because you will find the kinky people. And these days? Yeah. It's, there there's a lot of, and between Instagram and Twitter, a lot of thirst traps.

Oh, god. Yeah. Like, the whole point is the thirst trap. Yeah. Look, my new favorite evening activity is to send the thirst traps that I find sexy that knowing JB's, knowing JB, I'm like, oh, he'll find this intriguing as well. And I just send him thirst traps that I find. I'm like, that person had no shame and neither do I sham. So, you know, people who are being sexy and kinky online on social media spaces, they're there now.

The thing is is the most active of them, the ones whose content you're probably finding and watching are either giving advice, educating, or they're thirst traps. So, it's not I found a few that are both. Yeah. I mean, if I thought I could get away with it, sure. I just nope. Don't nope. That's not that's not the the role for me. So it is harder than it used to be. Facebook, for all that Facebook sucks. I hate Facebook. I have to keep Facebook for professional reasons. I never go on Facebook.

That is still the home of secret groups that people have created that somehow thousands of people in it. The the downside to social media is if you get into a group that has thousands of people, there's almost no real vetting process. You're you're in a kinkish space, but you don't quite know who you've come across. But, again, you're aware the people are.

If that is the app you really enjoy using and you connect with people there and you feel comfortable commenting on things and having conversations with people in comments, it is possible to come across a person and get to know them and take it to, you know, DMs and friend and follow and and connect. But it is also a crapshoot. Well, you know what they say about the Internet. Mhmm. Great place to meet person who has, the same kinks as yours, but they

live, halfway around the globe. Yeah. They're usually across the ocean. You know, there's that there's that. I was just really grateful you were across the state. I came across the state. Yep. So I I always like to say social media platforms because look. Tumblr, for all that it went real kink negative and sex negative for a hot minute there, and devalued itself to a ridiculous level, does still exist, and kinky people are still there. There. Yeah. There are kinky people on

TikTok. Now TikTok is one of those places it's not really made for connection, not in the way that I think of connecting to people. I don't doubt that it happens. I don't doubt that there's somebody who's met somebody who posted a thing or left a comment, and you've made that connection. And I'm very happy for you. Problem with some place like TikTok when it comes to kink content is that they tend to be pretty kink negative, and they're

they ban accounts left, right, and center. One day, there's a person that was there, and the next day, they're gone. They're gone. And they've created their 15th, account. And you don't know their name anymore because it's their name with 85 numbers behind it. And, like, it's just it's complicated, but it is possible. Part of it and this is true of every place, everything we list here. And it's the reason I'm if you don't

approach me, I'm never gonna meet somebody. It is you do have to talk to folk. You I mean, it's you you have to leave a comment. You have to comment in a way that's not, you know, being a troll. You have to, like, be a real person, and that requires a vulnerability that some people don't deserve. Even that level of vulnerability, some people won't respond to. But but they they don't just know you're there watching or following or you know?

You do tend to have to say something to somebody first so that you can start a conversation unless they happen to talk to you first, and I am down for that because that's how that works with me. I don't approach no damn body. You gotta talk to me first. But if you talk to me first and my my mental health is wrong or my vibe the vibe is off, then you'll I will ignore you and I health is wrong or my vibe the vibe is off, then you'll I will ignore you, and I'm

really good. I didn't see that comment. I don't know what you're talking about. So don't ever ask me about this other than this kind of information because no. Okay. The next one, we're still kind of in the vanilla sphere, but not completely, and that's dating apps. So Floor that sponsored this week's episode is 1. But there is Tinder and there is is OkCupid still around? Yeah. There's Hinge and there's is Hinge am I remembering the word names right? There's other dating apps, y'all.

If you are a person who loves a good dating app and that's where you meet people and you are comfortable in that space Mhmm. You can use that space to try to meet kinky people. A couple of things, and it's true on your social media as well. Do you want your government name and your picture associated with kink? Are you comfortable with that? Do you feel safe enough for that? There are people in very specific careers who are never gonna put their their actual face or

actual name next to the word kinky. It's not safe for them. Mhmm. Other people either don't have to worry about that, don't care if it is something they might have to worry about it. They're just open and they're at a stage of life. They're in a certain type of career. We're at a stage of life. I use the name Kayla Lords for my own privacy, anonymity, and comfort, but shit, my face is out there. My other things are out there too, but you're the same way. You know?

John is actually your real first name. We've never hid that. It's just the last name gives a layer of privacy, but we put our face out there because we live a type of life where we are a lot less, concerned about being attached to kink and kinky fuckery. A dating app, one of 2 things. You either start out going, this is me and I'm kinky and I'm looking for a kinky partner, and then deal with that however that plays out. And we could talk about that as we go through as we talk about this.

Or you do what a lot of people do on social media accounts too, is you create you you a fake name and a fake whatever. You have to follow the rules of the app though, like for verification and stuff like that. And that can get tricky because there are places that won't let you use a fake name. You know? That you just have to be careful with that, but that is one way that people do it. Right. They're like, I'm using a pseudonym. You know? I'll I'll tell a person who earns my

trust what my real name is. You know? In some places, it's obvious you're using a pseudonym. We don't think you're sweet baby princess 69420. We know that's not your name. We know that is your handle. It's okay. You can tell somebody your name when you're ready. But if you're like me and you use a name that sounds like a name, at some point, you might have to go, yeah. I I did that for anonymity, but here's my real name.

And that's a thing to consider. Mhmm. I've always just been really straight up with, yeah, this is the name I use for this, but that's that's not my legal name. Yeah. And, you know, the people who get to know my legal name, it's either an oopsie daisy or am I trusted enough to tell them. You do more

potential dating than I do. Mhmm. And I know in the past, there were times where you were on platforms that were kind of like dating platforms, social platforms that were geared towards kink, polyamory. Yeah. Like, what is your experience with that? I I tried a a poly dating site one time, a number of years ago. I was not really impressed with it And, I have met folks off of FetLife. Mhmm. I have met folks through Discord. Mhmm. And I've met folks through munches.

Which is on our list. We're gonna get there. So, you know, as far as as dating sites, other than the one couple years back, I had not really dipped my toes in it, just because of a lot of what I hear from people saying. Yeah. And I look You know? And I think it's okay if you go. I don't wanna do data gaps like Yeah. You know? And, and actually, I'm I'm a little curious to dig a little deeper into Into floor. Into floor. Yeah. And and really see because I I was very impressed in the

just through the sign up process. That, I did not expect it to be No. As there were several steps to it. They were really easy to go through, but it was, like, it it was it was it felt inclusive from Yeah. From my perspective. Mhmm. Other people might have a different perspective. But You know, yeah. That that's just kinda how I've been There are kinky dating apps. I have not tried them. I've heard about them. I know their name pops up from time to time.

A kinky dating app gives you, I would imagine, the best of both worlds of, like, a kink site, like, we're gonna get into, and the dating app, system. And that truly, as we get into the idea of a kinky dating app and then places like Fetlife, fetish.com, The Cage. Mhmm. Any BDSM themed platform that is designed specifically for kinksters and tends to allow a lot of wild behavior. Not all, but a lot. That to me is the best of both worlds because that is a space where it

is understood you are kinky. It is understood you probably are not using your real name. It is a place to learn about and explore and get to know people with all of the same problems as every other platform out there, in that people won't read bios, people won't respect boundaries, the DMs will get crazy, the block and delete button has got to become your friend. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. And it I get where some where

some people might go. It feels more extreme in a place like FetLife because it's all so kink focused. You're not just getting the random DM of, hey. You're getting the random DM of, hey. Submit to me now, slave. And you're like, bitch, I'm a fucking dominant. Who the fuck are you talk or you are submissive and you're like, what the fuck? I don't even know you. Get away. Right? There's a there's an added layer I mean of it. You know, let let's be honest. FetLife really isn't a dating

site per se. It's just a social media. It it it's a social media platform for kinksters to connect. Have people met someone through FetLife? Yes. Yes. Okay. Yes. You know, it you know, it it's just, you know, you talk about the bad of FetLife. Yes. It exists. It is there. You you can't ignore it. It's there. No. You know? But there there's also, you know, a a good side. Absolutely. It's a it's a useful tool if you kinda decide what your focus is there. Mhmm. I I should not be treated as a dating

site or a dating app. No. It's social media where people can meet one another. The difference is is that while some people might, and they do purposely use, Instagram, Facebook, whatever, whatever to, you know, go find somebody, slide into some DMs, see what they can make happen. There's something about it on FetLife that it is okay if you find that kinda gross behavior and it's a a boundary you don't want crossed and you don't like it. But it also makes more sense to me there that it happens.

Mhmm. Look. The the boundary crossing and the not respecting boundaries, that's bullshit. Block, delete, report, one nester. Yes. Yes. Yes. That is that should not be considered acceptable behavior. But the fact that there's a space where if you choose to, you can put as much of your body out there as you want. You can put as much of your kinks out there as you want. Mhmm. You can literally put in your profile that you

are looking for something. Right? Like, that is a a how do people not expect that if if you can say you're looking for somebody and some people do, not everybody, that then other people will go, oh, you're looking for it. Maybe I'm who you're looking for and that there wouldn't be connections made. It's just that's not the sole purpose of the site. True. You know, that is where you go to find events in your area

or a place you're traveling. That's where you go to find groups who are talking about specific kinks that you are interested in or care about. Right. It's where you can kind of vet people and go, this person says they're real active in this kink community. Let me let me go see if that's actually true. I haven't been on fetish.com in a very long time. I feel like they were kind of trying to be kind of a dating thing and kind of a social media platform. I haven't been on

The Cage in a while either. Me either. What was their vibe the last time you went on? The the vibe that I got from it, basically, they're just trying to be another form of social. Gotcha. And, again, it's a little bit like kinky dating apps. If you wanna just know that you can put your kink self out there, then choose a kink specific site. But it is no different than any other platform. You're going to have to talk to somebody at some point. Mhmm.

You know, genuine comments, only reply to the DMs that actually interest you, delete the rest. Yeah. Delete the rest. Nobody is entitled to your response if you don't know them and they didn't ask and you didn't give nobody's entitled to your response when they're a total stranger. Like, just delete them. It's it's fine. It's safe. Safe. I say that to the people who are like me. When I first got online as a kinkster and and more when I first got online in a a bigger way

when it became so prevalent. Like, I was kind of around when Facebook first started going, but I was using it from a business perspective. I wasn't using it as a person. And then when I tried to use it as a person, I was a busy mom of 2 little kids. I didn't have time. But then there came a point where I sat at a computer all day and I was bored and everything was an app and I could scroll on my phone and, you know, that kind of point in life where I think I lost the the train I

was on. I think the train derailed. Where was I going with that? Goddamn it. I've lost it. I had a whole point. I was real proud of the point. I was real proud of the point. I was real proud of the point. I had a point. I don't know how my brain is wired, but I know it's the kind of word where the thought's there one moment and gone the next. Just play that. I just wanna have been slow. I hate that. I hate it. I'm so sorry, y'all.

Part of where I'm trying to get to, I don't know if this is what I was on before, is that, you know, you do have to participate to some extent. Right? Like, there was a time when, oh, that's what I was on. God. I knew I'd get there eventually. When I first was, like, a heavy user of social media, part of what overwhelmed it for me is I thought I had to

reply to everything. And I don't mean every time I saw something interesting, but, like, if somebody talked to me in a DM or a comment, I felt this pressure and this obligation to respond to everybody. And the thing is is if this was the old Internet where, like, 2 people are there and one comments and that's manageable, fine. But we live in a time when there's a lot of people, and you can't always keep up. And sometimes a a comment or a a DM does not deserve a response. Sometimes it's creepy.

Sometimes you're like, I don't even know what you mean. Sometimes you're like, who the fuck are you? Right? And that was the thing I needed to give myself permission for was that not everything needs to be commented on. Not every comment needs to be responded to. Not everybody who tries to talk to me actually

gets to have my time. So if you're the type of person who kinda steers away from places where there's messaging and there's conversations and because you kinda have that feeling, I cannot possibly be the only person alive who has ever felt that way. This is me giving you that permission. Just only if the vibe feels right, if you're in the right headspace that day, if you know, it's different when it's a personal connection. This is a friend you have. Right? Like, you

know that you're friendly. It's a little bit easier to go, hey. I'm not really feeling it today. I know we normally talk, but I just can't today. Right? Or if it takes you a couple days to respond, decent people will be like, oh, just happy you responded. It's fine. That if you were that type of person that feels that sense of obligation, like, work on letting some of that go and only talking to the people who genuinely interest you, intrigue you,

you know, you want to talk to. Because that's how you make the connections so that you can then potentially meet a Don Marsha. Like, that's that's how that works. Now the next one. This one is is definitely your one. Uh-oh. And that is the in person kink spaces to be a potential Dom or so. Yeah. Munches, workshops, conventions, parties. I'm I'm I'm gonna backtrack Okay. Just a little bit here. Okay? Because here here is where, to me, FetLife really steps up to the plate. Mhmm.

If you're looking for groups, if you're looking for, munches, you're looking for workshops, you're looking for any of that, FetLife is the place. Mhmm. Alright. It is a fantastic place to, find out what is going on where. Okay? Many communities, I I know I can speak for for Pinellas County, from when I used to to live there, they have munches. They have socials. And Orlando, I think too, they have, coffee coffee socials in addition to the bigger the bigger communities, larger cities.

And I know a number of communities even have dating socials for single people or poly folks. Gotcha. Who are specifically looking for a partner. For for someone. Okay. And and they have meetups, you know, in some of these communities. So, you know, that that is something to keep an eye out for. Alright? Now, munches.

Absolutely. Absolutely. You know, here's here's here's, you know, one of the things I see a lot of people and good for them, you know, they get people that that, come into their DM's and fed live and like, you know, hey, I I think we'd be pretty good to let let's hook up. Sure. Okay. You know, our our town is having its munch in 2 weeks. Mhmm. You know, I'd be happy to meet you there and and talk. They're either gonna show or they don't show. That's a good way to weed out the

fakers. Good out good way to weed them out. So, you know, that that is something to consider. You know, workshops. Mhmm. You know, if if you have a kink that you're particularly interested in, you know, Max Play, knife play, you know, any impact play, any anything like that. You know, you you go to workshops like that, it's gonna be filled with other people who are interested You can't talk during the workshop, but there's always time before and after. Mhmm. You know? And depending on when it is

and where it is. I know, you know, we've gone to workshops, and then there was, like, a 30 minute gap, and then the dungeon opened or, you know, whatever. So it rolled into something else. And and and a lot of times at the at the end of the workshop, you know, not only is it a, you know, a Q and A, but a lot of times, they will allow people to try. Yeah. There'll be, like,

demos and tries and Mhmm. People can actually try things out, and, you know, the person, who did the workshop may oversee it, you know, and make sure everybody you know, so so you get to to meet people that way. Mhmm. You know? Parties. Yeah. Dungeons, you know, dungeon, you know you're in a safe place.

I'm really happy. Yeah. Yeah. I'm really happy, you know, that that decent dungeon is is vetting their people and and doing checks to make sure, you know, there there's no sketchy folks getting in there. But, you know, many dungeons host pickup play. Mhmm. You know, and and and that is, you know, a a a great way to meet folk, you know. So plus it it keeps you, you know, you you meet people like that, it'll pick up play in a club, it also keeps your negotiating skills Right. Sharp.

And the thing is is, let's say you like, I do have access to a dungeon and they they're having a party, and I wanna go. I don't even know what I'm doing. You don't I once felt like I had to talk down a friend who just couldn't get it in their head that going to a dungeon does not mean you have to play. Right. Like, there's no obligation. Anybody who would ever make you feel obligated, ew, gross. That's that's not a good vibe. Leave them or leave the space. But in general, there's never

any obligation. There is typically as much space, maybe a little less, for sitting around and socializing as there is for play. You know? In the different dungeons I've seen, sometimes there's, like, here's the play space here. It's one giant room, and then over here, there are seats. The one we went to that literally had an an upstairs and a downstairs, the upstairs was for play, the downstairs was for social.

Realizing. Yep. You know, the woodshed has all kinds of little nooks and crannies and, you know, then those who anybody who smokes or vapes, you'll meet them outside. Mhmm. That's just like a universal human thing, I think. And so, you know, if you have if you can get to a space like that, you the you should not go feeling pressured or under any expectation that you have to do anything other than just sit there and look cute while you're there. Okay?

Because that's that's another part of it is sometimes just getting getting to a good comfort level in kink spaces so you just feel comfortable being there by yourself before you even try to talk to anybody. Mhmm. Mhmm. You know? And there there will definitely be those people who see somebody either on their own or it's just a couple people and they're new and they're gonna come up and talk to you. And you gotta go based on your own vibe if you wanna encourage that or if you want them to

go away. And the nice thing is with a dungeon, there's a dungeon monitor, usually multiple. If somebody is bothering you, you look for the dungeon monitor. If a place does not have a dungeon monitor or some other designated way for to get help when you need it, when something goes wrong, when something's not right, please leave that space. When we're talking about play, you know, there's, floggers and whips and whatever being thrown around and somebody's broken out a knife and somebody's

pouring hot wax on another human being. There needs to be somebody or several somebodies there to monitor things. That's just, I think, a good rule of thumb if you're in a new kink play space. If there is nobody to go to that you're like, that's the person I can go to. Yeah. Go ahead and leave because but that's the nice thing about those spaces. You got a creep a creeper who will not take a hint, who's not leaving you alone, who's you you can go get help. Yeah.

For the folks who are gonna go, but I where I live, nobody's kinky. First of all, unless you live on a private island of you and your 3 closest friends, and that's it. And you're the only kinkster. There are other kinky people there even in very small towns. The difference is is what is available to you in your immediate location. Go look at FetLife. That will be a way to find it. What is in your county? And then, like, 3 counties call themselves the Tampa Bay area.

Okay. So Yeah. What's your closest major metro area? Some places are super rural. Your major metro area is like a plane ride away. It's like a half day drive away. I get where that is then difficult to do things in person. That's then when we go back to online kink spaces so that you can meet people online and create your own little community or find communities online.

But if you have the access to and the ability to get to a space that's within some sort of driving distance or in some of the great countries that have great train and rail system, a short train ride, You know, that is almost always an option. And quite frankly, if you get out of your immediate town to go to a kink space, you are usually less likely to see somebody who might know

you. Yeah. Not always, but for the people who get nervous about going into kink spaces to meet potential kink partners, it's kink spaces are Vegas rules. What happens in the kink space stays in the kink space. Most people understand this. Every once in a while, you find a dumbass or a gross human being who does not. The thing to remember is if you see somebody you know it in kink space, and you're like, oh, no. They've seen me. You've seen them too.

Self mutual self sure destruction. Right? Like, if they out you as being kinky, you could get to be like, but do you do you know how they knew? Would you like to know where they were? Right? Like Yeah. So most of the time, people are keep it cool, and sometimes they interact, and sometimes they don't interact with people that they know. That's a personal comfort level. But if that's your major concern, then, yes, travel for your kinks space.

The thing about all of this, all of this, all of this is that none of it is guaranteed. Mm-mm. None of it most likely will be quick or easy. And my, anxious don't trust no damn body opinion is it shouldn't be too quick or easy. Right? Like you our philosophy has always been, make sure this is somebody you genuinely like as a human being first. Right? Like, make sure that you wouldn't mind sitting next to them in any other situation. You might not. It might only be a kink thing, but, like, you

should like them as a human being. They should be a friend of sorts. Yeah. Pickup play, casual play tends to be a little bit different than relationships, but we focus on relationships here. So please make sure you like them as a human being. That can take time. Also, when you go into any space, online or in person, with the expectation that you are there to meet somebody, things tend to get intense and weird.

Mhmm. That is sometimes why the creepy people feel so creepy because they are there with a very intense singular goal and that's what they're focused on and they forget, hey. Actually, I just need to be a human being existing in the world. Right? Even if that makes me a little awkward, a little weird, a little shy, a little whatever, people forget that. So you don't go to a munch and go, I'm gonna meet my dom here. It's gonna be amazing.

It's not how it works. You're gonna meet people and go, do I do I like them as human beings? Is this a space I wanna spend time in? Is that a person I wanna have a conversation with? For people who are introverted, people who are socially anxious, people who just are not talking to people they don't know. However however that works for you. I am one of you. You are me. I am you. Sometimes what you do is you go several times and you don't say a whole hell of a lot of nothing. You just observe.

Me, personally, I like to observe because I'm watching vibes. I'm watching how people interact with each other. Do I sound like I had got trust issues? Maybe. But this is how I figure it out. And so I go to something a munch multiple times. I don't tend to say much unless somebody is speaking to me directly. I'm not rude. I just I'm not gonna socialize. Yeah. And I'm watching people. And I can walk away from an interaction, or an event and be talking to JB and go, did you see? See? And he's

like, no. I was like, yeah. You're a social butterfly. You were talking to folks. That person was doing this thing, and they were looking all shady. And what is that about? And now we're gossiping. Mhmm. But now I feel like I have a sense of people. I also like to just not feel pressured to speak and see how people treat me, you know, quite frankly. Mhmm. There will be people who will try to be open and inviting, and you'll find out

real quick how much they respect boundaries. If they don't pressure you or, like, guilt you or force you, there will be some people who just leave you the hell alone because they're like, if you don't wanna talk, I'm not gonna make you. And you get that sense. So, like, that's why don't don't go into a space like, hello. I am here. I am here to become a you're submissive. I am here to become your dominant. Let

us negotiate power exchange. No. Go be a human being and get to know other human beings. Quite frankly, the very last one I put on this, because it's so fucking old fashioned. I don't know if anybody even does it anymore. That is literally let your your friends set you up with somebody. Now that comes with a million caveats. Right? Like, how well do they know this somebody? Right? And do they know that you're kinky, and do they know that the person they're setting you up

with is kinky? This is where having kink friends and a kink community can really come in handy. And I've like everything else, there is no guarantee that anything will happen. But sometimes having a friend that you met at the munch, that you didn't go in like a creepy person looking for your partner, You made that friend, you've been friends with them for months, and they're like, oh, there's a person. I think you might like them. I think

y'all's king sign. I think y'all would be really cool together. Can I introduce you to them? Right? And that's how you meet people and potentially your partner. Sometimes it's a meet cute. Sometimes it's some weird thing that happened, you know, at the month, you dropped your fork, banged your head on the table. The person next to you is, like, thought that you were adorable in your awkwardness.

I have to just imagine that if I was a single person or if I was actively looking for another partner, that is how that would have to happen because would I drop my fork and would I bang my head on the table? Yes. Can I only be with a person who finds that adorable and then checks to make don't have a bump on my head? Yes. Is it effort and work to meet a potential kink partner? Mhmm. Yeah. I mean, yeah. But I don't think it

should be this, like, main stressor. Like, you walk around every day going, I have to find a kink partner. I have to have a find a kink partner. You have to coexist in a world ideally where you feel comfortable telling somebody you're kinky. There are absolutely people who go into non kink spaces, meet people, know they're kinky, and then have to do the dance of, do I tell them I'm kinky? How will they take it?

If that's what you're most comfortable doing, if that works for you, I am not gonna yuck on anybody's yum. But I don't see how that's beneficial a majority of the time. Mhmm. Because now you've added an extra layer of complexity to it because you might have met this person that you really like, and they might be, like, kink negative. Like, not even just don't know about it, but actively, like, kink shamey. And now you've got

that to contend with. And then you've got all those nerves of, I really like them, but now I have to tell them. And have we been together long enough for me to tell them? Whoo, y'all. I'd rather you go, create a fake name, a fake profile, and just put Kinky on it and, like, heavily edit that picture of yourself. And just do that and be anonymous ish on the Internet.

And go, like, put it out there that you're kinky and what you think you might be looking for, and be prepared to weed through the the people who don't get it. How is that that much different than unsolicited dick pics and, you know, people who slide into your DMs and then in non kink spaces? I don't see how it's quite frankly Yeah. Under my legal name when I had that that kind of social media. And I talked nothing about relationship sex.

Nothing. Certainly nothing about kink. I was talking about freelance writing. Y'all, they were still sliding into DMs, and I'm not that cute. Like, I'm not I'm not somebody who's like that you're like, oh, yes. Somebody's gonna like me. Uh-uh. Uh-uh. I can look like a bridge troll on the Internet, and they will still slide in. So I just don't see how it's that much different. The the the intensity sometimes can be. Like, I can laugh much easier. Now I can laugh at all of it.

But back in the day, I could laugh much easier at a dick pic than I could at the you will submit to me messages. For me, it's because I wasn't yet confident in who I was as a submissive. And so and I wasn't sure how to navigate the kink world because I was thinking of it as something completely and totally separate from non kink spaces. And in a way, it is because certain things are more allowable. Right? We could talk about how you like to have hot wax poured

on your tits. Right? Like that, you can't usually just say that up in Facebook. You can. Should you? Probably not. You know? Yes. There are some differences. Absolutely. There's nuance to it, but people are people in every space, and gross people are gonna be gross people no matter what platform you're on. So I think if, you know, if you're not comfortable with your legal name being attached to kink, don't use those kinds of spaces where you use your legal name. Go to kink specific places.

Create fake accounts. Facebook is harder for that. Mhmm. Twitter is not. Twitter's still fucking dumpster fire these days. Twitter still exists. Yeah. Instagram, you can absolutely get away with a fake name. I've been doing it for years. So create those accounts that aren't really you and try it that way if you want to be in Villanilla spaces, if you just feel more comfortable there. But it's all kind of a crapshoot and it's all a weeding through the people who are not what

you want Right. Who are not worth your time Mhmm. Who do not respect boundaries Yeah. And then trying to figure out if this person is your person. Right? Right. Did you have have I been interrupting? I probably have. Okay. No. You carry on what you say. Okay. Not not time for me to say what I have to say. Okay. Cool. Okay. Look at us being total professionals. Like, we do this for a living or something. I do not have any ex well, the last time I online dated in a non kink way, I met my it was my

first husband who clearly not divorced from. That was on ICQ. And if you even know what that is, we're old together. Right? So I'm not gonna say I have a lot of understanding of non kink spaces as a person trying to meet a partner? I I don't. But from everything I observe, the same different flavor, same problem of,

oh, they said they were this. Like, in the non kink spaces, I hear people talk about how well, you know, we've been talking every day and we've been seeing each other and we're talking about moving in and we did move in, but then they ghosted me. But then they told me that it wasn't really it wasn't really that serious, or I found out that they

had a partner already. Yeah. That's just a different flavor of some of what you can find in kink spaces when you're trying to find a dom or sub, and they're full of shit. Right? Now the differences the one big differences, and this is an important distinction. In kink, when you finally do meet up with somebody and you are going to play in some way, The nature of the way what we're playing at is has everything has a potential for for danger and harm and violence.

But like in kink, we're actively hitting one another with things. Right? Like, we're we're actively sometimes causing pain, potentially causing harm. There's there's that kind of risk. And so then the importance of trying to figure out, is this person a safe person to play with or to be around or to do things with? Do I really want them to be my dom or sub or both? There's that layer that can't be I'm not gonna dismiss it or ignore it.

But the fact that air quote, doms lie to people all day long, how was that any different than the the douchebag who's lying to you in a non kinky way? Right? Like, it's it's all lies. It's all having to figure out, is this person trustworthy? And then sometimes being wrong, And they say all the right things, and you do all your internal self checks, and and you try to figure it out, and you try and navigate it. And they were just a a lying liar liar,

pants on fire, motherfucker. Right? Like, those people exist in and out of kinks' faces. So I don't think you get away from that, and I don't think treating trying to find a kink partner as if it is completely inherently different from trying to find any other partner is helpful. The the there's there are risk factors you have to take into consideration. There's ways of trying to keep yourself as safe

as possible. You have to consider there's a negotiation level that probably should exist in non kinky relationships, but typically does not. Right? There's added a little added complex complexity, but it's I just don't from watching everybody's horror stories, from the absolute fucking worst kind of horror story to just the, well, that's ridiculous kind of horror story, it's the same shit, different fucking flavor. Yeah. You know? There will be exceptions to

this, of course, of course. But, like so when you know, if you're the type of person who's like, well, how do I find a dom or subbed? Well, you find them like you find anybody else. You just gotta add that little extra bit of going, yeah. But I have to tell somebody I'm kinky. I'm I'm gonna have to get them to talk about kink with me if they choose to. High onyx rubbing up against my microphone. Mhmm. So, ma'am, please don't rub your cheek on

the microphone. People are trying to listen. I apologize for anybody with earbuds. So, yeah, I think I'm gonna use the word that you have taught me, and you laugh every time I say it because it's so fucking true. It's a patience thing. It's it's a patience. It's a time and patience thing. Sometimes lightning strikes, and you just meet somebody, and you just know, and it just works. And, man, if that happens to you, I'm so happy for you. I'm so happy for you. That's wonderful.

The rest of us, we're gonna have to work through our own shit. The person we're trying to talk to is gonna have to work through their own idiosyncrasies and insecurities to come together to go, hey, by the way, I like this kink. Do you like this kink? Can we do this kink together? Like, yeah. And that's a time thing. Mhmm. You know? Yeah. And then you add layers of, like, frenzy to it. We were talking about that, what, in last last week's episode.

We focus on sub frenzy because of the danger typically to as a submissive can put themselves in unintentionally. But frenzy is frenzy, and it will make it will cause you to make some decisions you would not make otherwise. You will say yes to a partner that in other moments, you'd be like, what was I even thinking?

And, again, that's where that complexity comes in because what we're trying to do with one another when we get kinky, you know, even if you're not trying to play with pain, you're just trying to play with sensation, you're just trying to try new things out, there is an inherent risk to all of it, mental, emotional, physical, that does have to be navigated. But the the and I keep seeing these in the comments on the script. Where do I be the

top? Where do I be the top? Like, just go where you like to be with people. That can be a non kink space or, like, can be a kink space. I'm always gonna be in favor, I think, of kink spaces. Mhmm. Because if you have, like, a name you make up or a handle that you use and you aren't showing your face if that's not a thing you're comfortable with, You could just, like, put

it out there. You know? Yeah. And there's none of this later going back of, oh, and now I have to tell the person or, oh, how do I bring this up delicately? Well, we're on FetLife where half of everybody here is naked. So Yeah. You know, there's it's it's just there's a layer of comfort to me personally. But, ultimately, you have to go where you're comfortable. That's true. You know, I just I just want somebody mentioned ICQ earlier. Yeah. I I remember ICQ

all too well. All too well. Had had a lot of fun on there. You know, just to mention a few other places, didn't think about quite in the beginning, but, you know, Twitch is another place. They have a lot of groups on there. Mhmm. Mhmm. Kick, k I k. Yes. That, for a long time, was very popular with Kinksters. That has been very popular with Kinksters. A lot of groups on there. Yes. You have to search them out unless you find somebody. I know a few people on FET who have started using Telegraph.

Yeah. I believe it is. Telegraph. Now the cup the 2 folks that I I know that run it, they they very tightly monitor their telegraph groups. Only a certain number of people Mhmm. Are allowed in there. They kinda gatekeep on the men. You you know? You know? And It's not all of you, but it's enough of you. Right. Good lord. You know, you in order to get in, you have to be a little bit of a vetting process to go through to get on their Yeah. On their telegraph server.

You know, they they don't just want anybody Mhmm. In there. You you know, going another level, you know, Kayla talked about making up a username for your for your online, you know, and and that is an important thing. It does give you a a little bit of safety in all this. But, you know, again, it was mentioned in in chat. I think Rara brought it up. You know, eventually, you're gonna have to to give somebody your real name. Yes. You know?

And and that is a matter of of building trust, you know, with talking with this person. I I know what I did with with with Kayla here, when we started talking and and once I started, you know, feeling comfortable and built enough trust, I gave her links to to all my social media site, you know, Fetla or not Fetlife, but, Facebook, actually, you know, different different places. Telegram. Okay. Yes. Sorry. Not not tell Telegraph is a thing. I was like, wow. They're

using that. Telegram. Okay. Okay. But, you know, yeah, there there's going to come a point that, you know, you you do have to say, you know, I'm you know, this is my real name. I'm I'm so and so. Right. Yeah. There yes. Absolutely. And, you know, when when we got to that point, like I said, I I I gave Kayla my, you know, link to my my Vanilla Facebook, and I even, you know, gave her my my full given name and told her to do a background check. And that was

all I needed. It was so sweet when he gave me his Facebook because I had already found his Facebook. It's linked in. A couple other things that were, like, real obscure, but I was like, don't worry. I know how this works. You know? And I'll I'll say I I agree with completely JB. Another thing to mention for places you can meet kinky people online, Discord. Mhmm. Most of the groups I've heard about well, I think we talked about it in a past couple episodes, through this series. They will have a

vetting process. You'll have to know somebody who knows somebody. You know? That can be frustrating when you're new and you don't quite know anybody yet and you're trying to find your way through, but it really is meant to be to the benefit of the community. Because when just anybody can get in, then anybody gets in. And that's not meant to be a, oh, you're not like us, you can't be in, but it's more like a, are you a safe ish person?

Like or are you gonna come in and wreak havoc and make people uncomfortable and kill this community? Right? Like, vetting process, or are you pretending to be something because you're trying to get dirt on somebody? Like, there's all kinds of reasons to vet kink spaces before being able to be allowed

in. So while that can be a little frustrating and, you know, you might feel impatient about it, there is a reason for it and just keep looking until, you know, you find a connection and can maybe get into that group or another group or whatever. But, it happened again. Know what's happening to both of us. I think it's a drop in barometric pressure from the oncoming storm. With that. Let's go with that. Sounds good.

Probably, you know, no scientific basis for it, but, you know, it sounds good at the moment. This is one of the times I wish we did a script. But if I did a script, oh, y'all, if you wanna know how I sound on the script, go back to episode 1. I had there was a point I was gonna make. I think I remember I think this was the point I was trying to make. It's a point I wanna make, so here we go. Yes. Eventually, you have to give somebody your real name Mhmm. If you're trying to

have a long term especially power exchange. You're trying to develop a relationship with this person. Yeah. I would like you to listen to that internal voice if you keep hesitating. Yes. Sometimes that's your own fears getting in the way, but I think more often than not, that's a little voice going something ain't right here.

And even if everything really is okay with that person and the and there's and your instincts were a little off, your instincts are still trying to say, I don't feel safe enough yet. Mhmm. Right? I we need to honor that voice because Right. Too often we ignore that voice, and and then something goes wrong. Sometimes it's a innocent go wrong, and sometimes it's not. So, yes, eventually, you just have to say

this is who I am. That does not mean you have to give them your, like, driver's license number, Social Security number, and address, but you wanna tell them your real name eventually. Because I we're the first people to tell people, especially submissives, if you're, like, trying to meet up with somebody and and negotiate a power exchange relationship and that supposed dom will not tell you their name, fucking run. Like, what else are they hiding?

Mhmm. But if there's something within you that holds you back, that's information to to pay attention to. Either means you're just not ready yet, they haven't done enough of what you need to feel comfortable, or you're picking up on something, and this is not the right person to give that information to. So there's a balance between sometimes taking a leap of faith and doing a thing that scares you slightly Mhmm. Versus ignoring your own internal voice screaming at you that

something's wrong. And you won't always get that right, and that that hopefully, that's okay. Like, that that's just the nature of it. But don't you know, if the if that's coming up for you and you're like, nope. Nope. I don't feel comfortable telling them where I am or who I am. Pay attention to that. There's something there. Even if it's your own anxiousness, that's still important information.

So yeah, there's been a little bit of, chat about, you know, getting to know somebody before you date versus not. And I am I am fully in the camp of I can't I can't do anything with anybody that I hadn't I think, like, silence has at least had a cup of coffee with it. Mhmm. I'm personally just not wired that way. If you are wired to just go, I pick you out from across the room and you look interesting, sure. Let's try this. Great. It's still the whole where to find them still all applies to

you. I I do still think though when we're especially talking about power exchange because that's what we talk about. Mhmm. And that can be different from other more casual things. They still need to be somebody you want to be around. Yeah. And power exchange, one of you is gonna be the dom, one of you is gonna be the sub. If your switch is you're gonna go back and

forth. You're gonna be whatever. But but at some point, one person here is going to hand over power and control to another human being, which means that person with power and control now is responsible for the safety and well-being of their partner. And if you don't really like them, what are we doing?

Like, why are we negotiating a whole ass relationship where even if you don't live together and you don't see each other every day, but you are an integral part of each other's lives on some level because that's how power exchange fucking works. Why? Why are we doing it with somebody we don't like? Yeah. I know the answer is usually desperation and you convince yourself you're never gonna get to do this with anybody else and this one is your only chance. They are never your only chance.

They might be your most convenient, but that don't make them the right choice. Okay? Yeah. So yeah. So I I I just wanna add one one more caveat Mhmm. To this. When it comes to, meeting somebody online Mhmm. And and I think I'd pretty safely say even with a dating app Mhmm. When you go to meet somebody for the first time that you met online, set up a safe call. Yes. We have talked about that before, but it's always worth talking about it. We we have talked about that numerous times before.

I I think that's something that always bears, a reminder. You know, set up a a safe call. You you're going to meet somebody that you have never met in person, you've only talked with online, you know, have a friend that, you know, okay, I'm gonna meet this person, meeting at 2 o'clock, you know. I'll be at this location. This is where we're gonna be, you know, in an hour, I'll reach out to you and let you know. Right. You know, but have that have that have some kind of of safety.

Somebody needs to be checking up on you. Right. I know where the fuck you are. Right. Thank you. Ideally with who you are with. Mhmm. Right? So again, you don't have to give away somebody's, like, super secret information, but you they should know you should be like, this is the person I'm going to be with, first name, last name. That's all they need to know. Mhmm. Unless, like, you've got proof now quite frankly, and I know JB did it or would have done it.

I think you did it. First time we got together, it's like, tell somebody who you're with. Give them my information. And he was like, here's all the information you can give them. His name, his address, like, stuff about him. If you don't if you were not given that kind of go ahead or you have that conversation and they're like, because people have their own sense of privacy and, like, it's gotta be respected. Minimum, their their actual legal change. Ask for it. I I

just gave it to her. Right. But, I mean, in that conversation, we were talking about how make sure somebody knows I'm coming and then I will be here with you. Mhmm. And this is what you know, here, tell them this. Right? Yes. Yes. Yes. That's another sometimes it's a good test of, is this a person I should even be meeting up with? Because, again, nobody has you know, is obligated to just go, here's where I live and here's

my driver's license number. But their first and last name should be it should be okay for you to tell your most trusted friend Yeah. Who you're gonna be with and what their name is. And when somebody shies away from even that, y'all ain't ready to meet you yet. You you you you you better be questioning this. Might have a reason for that. I'm still looking giving a side eye, but I I contend there could I admit, there could be a reason. That means you're not ready.

Because if you don't feel like you could trust somebody with your your name, what are we doing? What are we doing? Because if something happens, they need the the person who's the safe caller who's watching you on their Life's 360 or however it's being done in 2024, needs to know who who you're looking for. They know your they know their friend's name. They need to know the old person's name. That's bare that's bare minimum, y'all. That's bare minimum to me. You know, that that's a good point.

Something like Life 360, you you know, you can even take it one step further and, you know, share that with your with a friend. Mhmm. You know? So that way, they can see where you are at at any given time. Yep. So Yep. So yeah. I you know, where to meet? Wherever people are. Yeah. I think if you're struggling with, I don't know where to go to meet, because sometimes the the options are just overwhelming. I think the first question you ask yourself is, do I wanna stay in non kink spaces?

Do I want to go where I can be completely open about my kinks? Those are kink spaces. Or those are specific types of dating apps that are, like, open to that stuff. I don't know enough about the the dating apps to know if the, like, the major players are okay with that kind of stuff. Anybody who would like to chime in that uses things like Tinder and all those others, feel free. But, like, shout out to the sponsor this week. Mhmm. Floor is one that it's not kink focused,

but they put it out there. They are kink aware. They are they welcome kink sters to come in. They limit what kind of stuff you can post and put out there, but they do that for everybody. That's just not a kink thing. That's everybody thing. Right? You can't just be posting noods left, right, and center. If you want that kind of freedom, you go to spaces where you can do that kind of thing.

Mhmm. And that's okay too. But that's the first question to ask yourself is, do I wanna be real open with my kinks? Do I wanna kinda keep that close and personal for a while? You can keep your kinks close and personal to you in kink spaces too, but it's just it's real it's much easier to just be out there and put it out there when you're in a kink space. So, yeah, it's it's not, it's simple and it's complex at the same time. At the same time. It just you know, I think they call that life.

I think everything everything we do is simple and complex, and I find that frustrating. I would like things to be simple and just give me, like, a 3 point checklist, and I'll just do things, and I'll get what I want. Unfortunately, it just doesn't doesn't work that way necessarily. So there's always more to say about this topic. I have linked in the places to where we have talked about things that are adjacent to this topic. We have an very old episode, episode 23

Mhmm. About, finding a kinky partner. God. I would hesitate to go listen to that now. How outdated is that 23. We we were still it was probably 2016. Yeah. That's a long time ago. That's probably quite outdated. We've got some stuff on vetting a potential

partner. Vetting a partner is I think some younger people might consider it a little old fashioned in the kink world, but I think it's still relevant because people can say that they're anything and that they do whatever and they who they are whoever they are, they can just make shit up. That is true. Everywhere. Yeah. But when they wanna try and, like, give themselves some street cred and start naming a munch they go to, well, go fucking check that shit out. You know?

Mhmm. Mhmm. Because you depending on how you're what you're doing, you are potentially putting your life in somebody's actual fucking hands. So vetting is a thing. Yep. And then couple other we don't talk about this part as much as we talk about, like, communication and consent and the nuances of living your power exchange. But this is the the question that the the newest kinksters tend to, like, have top of mind. Where do I find a dom? Where do I find a dom?

So Yep. Yeah. Okay. K. Thanks once more to Fluor for sponsoring Yes. This episode. If you are looking to meet a partner, whether you're, monogamous or non monogamous, check them out. It's free to download. See if it's your vibe. Link is in the places. Mhmm. Okay. K. So, are we good? I don't know. Tardy. Yes? Can I talk to the king? Nope. The crickets, please. Yes. What the fuck you said? Ow. It'll hurt your self. See, I dropped my silverware and bumped my head. You laugh and bump your head.

We're peas in a pod. That's what we are. So what was that about? What was what about? The pause. I just felt like You just felt like Pausing. The anticipation? Yeah. Yeah. Because I wait for you to start to inhale, and then I inhale real quick, and then we spit it out together. This was way easier when we were sitting in the closet together, huddled around a singular little microphone, and we we needed to get out of that fucking closet. We were sweating our asses

off, and there was no hesitation. It was just a quick inhale and keep it kinky. But see, it's the antici I knew that was coming. Patient. Yes. I knew that was coming. And in case you asked about the LB anniversary, that was actually mid August. And we missed it. We we missed it ourselves. So yeah. Yeah. So bonus section. Yeah. We're not in the path of the storm. No. But Florida, as an entirety, is technically going to be affected and feel the

effects of land. This morning, I woke up and I opened up my the radar app that I use, and the storm was still on the south tip of Cuba and not quite in the Gulf. It's in the Gulf now, but, even at that point this morning at at 6 AM this morning, the entire state of Florida was highlighted red. So Yeah. And it's still early enough that it could wobble and Yeah. Like, we think it's going up to the Big Bend. Much more Big Bend. Yeah. They They got left alone for a for a while, and now

they're getting all of them. Yeah. This will be the second time this year. Mhmm. Yeah. If you look if you're like the Big Bend, if you look at us the, a picture of the state of Florida, there's the Panhandle and then there's Peninsula. Okay? Right? As where those 2 kind of intersect, there's this bendy part. It looks like a little It's a curve. It's a curve. There's several curves in Florida, but it's it's a little that's Big Bend. And you'll see

it and you go, oh, yeah. I see what they're trying out because it's where that's where the state bends. And there, it's typically kinda rural area. Yes. It is. It's I mean, they've yeah. They got beach and stuff, but they're it's not like Panama City Beach is close to them, but not right there. But yeah. Yep. Is is Perry considered in the Big Bend area? Kind of. Kind sort of adjacent to? Yeah. Perry is a place for us that we just drive through. As a kid, I noticed this I don't

notice this as an adult. Maybe my sense of smell has, like, died or something has changed in Perry. The chicken? The chicken smell. Yep. Yep. Oh, was it chicken farms or was it chicken processing? I I am not sure. I think it's farms. Okay. I think it's farms. But, but yeah. Miss mister Spok said, seems like the storms are targeting Tallahassee this year. I might be down for that. I do feel like if that's accurate, I mean It's apropos. May maybe mother nature is has got some

strong opinions Right. About the governance of Florida. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, we we've gotta go pick up some stuff outside of our old house. Some lawn. You don't want things to become missiles? No. No. Kind of You're gonna pull the cars around to our backyard. We everybody on the street is, like, shocked by what we do, but then when we explain, they're like, oh, that makes total sense, but nobody else does it. We have a giant tree. We have several Yes. Giant trees in our front

yard. We have a giant one that's right over the driveway where we park, which is great in the summer, because it keeps your car as cool as is humanly possible in fucking summer. But in storms, we're like, we would like to still have 2 functioning cars at the end of the storm. You know, the the trees are healthy. Mhmm. They have been they are maintained. Right. But there is still always a branch or 2 that comes down.

So, you know, yeah, I I park the cars in the backyard and, you know, I see it too often around here that, you know, there are a lot of big trees in this area. Old old growth of the county. You know, old old growth oaks. Mhmm. And, the amount of people I see leaving cars parked under these trees and then drive by after a storm, you know, and I know. It it's like, And and they have space they can move their car to. Like, sometimes you don't have a choice. Right. Wherever you park, you're under

a tree. But sometimes you do have a choice. And the the one that I remember always, and I it was a bad storm. It wasn't a hurricane or a tropical storm. That was a it's a bad storm with a lot of lightning. It's when we lived in the rental, and we ended up driving through the neighborhood right after a big storm. And these these folks had a, like, a circular driveway, and they had, like, 3 or 4 cars in their driveway. You know, they had teenage drivers, blah blah blah, work truck.

And their big tree came down from was it a lightning strike that did it, or did it just blow over? It was a lightning strike. Lightning strike. Fidel. And it took out, like, 2 of their cars. Mhmm. And insurance, I'm not sure how quickly or not that was moving or the the ability to remove things because for a few days, every time you drove by, all the other cars had been moved. But here were these crunched Yeah. Cars. Like, you can't remember what for the insurance. You know?

But, mister Spak asked if the oldest is good at school or bringing him home, he he's gonna stay at school. Mhmm. If if he was in a more direct path, I would strongly encourage him to come home. It was more of a, do you wanna hunker down there, or you wanna hunker down here? He was and I know he look. He's got his computer. Yeah. He's got his instruments. He's got Yeah. He's got his space and His Xbox? Yeah. And there's no material difference geographically

between being here, being there. Yeah. And the thing I was all like, I was born and raised on these things, and the consideration that I still struggle with that's why this is JB's job because he's the one in charge. When you know that a big storm is coming at you is do you stay or do you go? Because the problem with going is that your property, your home, your everything might be fine, but you might not be able to get back in. Yeah. And so it's this, like, you gotta weigh it kinda

thing. When we left for what was her that storm's name when we lived in Tarpon? Iris? Was it I thought it was an I storm. It was an I. Irma? Irma? Irma. Irma. You know, we had a place to go and could it was the summer, so the kids weren't even in school. We had the luxury of just taking our damn time. So, you know, if streets did get clogged up or trees down and you couldn't get down the highway, we didn't have to worry about it.

We could stay where we were Right. Long enough that it was the biggest deal was that we had to replace all our groceries. And we were and we were lucky, you know, in one way. Yeah. We had to replace the groceries, but, you know, we would have been without power for a little over a week. Yeah. So we we missed all of that. Mhmm. If but that was when I could stay with my mom. That is not an option anymore. And so it's you know? And the our closest relative is in the same fucking county.

So Yeah. You know, we don't have the same kinds of options. If we left town and got a hotel, then it's how long can you afford to stay here, and can you even get back home? So it that's always been a tricky one to me about trying to decide. Yeah. So Yep. You know, I do personally have my own and you do too. And, again, you're the one in charge. So if JB goes, we're going, I go, okay. Unless I have strong feelings otherwise, and then I argue my point, and then he goes,

we're going. And I go, okay. My personal threshold has always been a 4 or 5. Mhmm. I think these days, because climate change is kicking all our asses, a cat 3 would probably Be the would I would be I would be thinking really hard about it. It'd be that weighing of where are you located? Should I shoot you? And where can you go?

And how quickly can you get out? This storm, I know, dude on Instagram, weather weather mic or whatever he's called, he said in a reel that I saw that he's been watching this thing for a few days, and he probably has. He's a weather guy. I think in another life, JB would be a weather guy on Instagram as well, because he just likes it so much. But from from my perspective, this one feels

like it came up really fast. Yes. And there also comes a point when you're evacuating that there's, like, this window, and if you wait too long, you're just sitting on the interstate or the highway as the storm comes because if traffic gets backed up depending on how that evacuation goes. So that ends up being another layer of Right. Do not only do we go, but when the fuck do we go? Mhmm. I you know, it it there's there's a lot to, consider.

Mhmm. You know, even even prior meeting Kayla, the house that I had, was a solid brick house. Mhmm. I felt very comfortable there. When we were in the condo, that was, stick construction Mhmm. Which was why when Irma was coming up the coast, it was like, nope. We are not staying here. Yep. Yeah. I'm just grateful we had a

place we could go. Yeah. And, you know, even even here, don't feel that, you know, unease, because, again, this is a a a brick construction house, you know, and, yeah, you know. Yeah. I mean, if we lived closer, if we were still in in Tarpon Mobile, we would probably still be in the condo if we were still in Tarpon Springs. Yeah. And, yeah, we are making way different decisions Right. Than we have to make now. Mhmm. But that was part of the the the real draw to moving here was the affordability.

Yeah. But one of the considerations was also, oh, being in the center of the state, you have a little bit of a buffer from storms. It's an imperfect buffer because the storm is not that little dot you're following on the weather channel. Okay? It's all the bands Right. That are also rotating, y'all. The storm is twisting as it's moving forward. I can barely, pat my head and rub my stomach, but these stars can move forward and and twist. And, yeah, it's

this one, I thought I heard online. The actual not the strength of it, but the physical size of her Helene is, I think, one of the top, like, biggest physical storms, the space it's covering, the the area it's covering. I I cannot remember the name of the storm, but there was at one time, number of years back, if if somebody remember that, you know, please, let me know. But the storm was so big, it covered the entire state. I think I remember that one, but I

don't remember the name. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The the the for for a time, I think for a day, the entire state was was under under the storm. Mhmm. You know? And when I I woke up and I saw Helene this morning, I was like, oh, that's pretty darn close. Yeah. So yeah. That's a September hurricane. So Yeah. We we all do what we we do what we can. Mhmm. You know, fur babies are doing good. Yeah. They don't tend to get too freaked out

by storms. No. Lola will sometimes just get a little closer to one of us, I guess, for comfort. But thankfully, she's not the type to get, like, scared with lightning or thunder. No. No. No. She's not, thankfully. The worst worst problem with, Lola is gonna be getting her out to use the bathroom in the rain. Well, this is a girl that eventually even she will go out in the rain. Yeah. Yep. She'll bite the bullet if it gets

bad. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And if you put her, put her harness on her and put her on a leash, you can walk her in the rain. It's not not always in it's imperfect, but you can at least get her out there to a Patrick's. Yeah. Yeah. Through. If Onyx gets nervous, she's just gonna go get into our closet. In the back. Deepest, darkest corner of the closet. Oh my gosh. And Witch is actually one of the safest spaces we could be in if, like, a like, something bad storm

wise was coming because it's it's central. There's no windows. Anyway, this morning, I didn't tell you. So for Onyx, our bedroom is her space. Because when we first got her, we kept her in there until she could kinda get comfortable and Acklemon. Yeah. And so it's always to her just been her space. Over the past couple years, she's sort of begrudgingly gotten kind of okay with Ella being in the room

while she's in the room. It started off that Ella could be on the floor, she could not be on the bed. She could go into our bathroom because we had a a litter box there. We currently do not, and we think we kind of like that. You know, and it's it's been this gradual, like, whatever. But there's one spot in the bedroom Ella is still not allowed. Oh, and I'm wondering if it's the same spot I saw today. What are you gonna say? Closet. Yes. Because this morning,

Ella comes in. She's all over the place. She's doing her thing. She goes she barely walks into the closet. Onyx, like, a streak of black lightning, boom, heads her off and bap, bap, baps her away until Ella gets her little ass out of the closet. Yep. Yep. Damn. I mean, yeah. Damn. She she can she can go come into the bedroom. She's allowed on the bed now. She can get go into our bathroom. But hot damn, he is not allowed in that closet. Mhmm. That closet is her damn space.

Yep. Yep. So there's a conversation going on in the live chat that I just I just wanna add my 2¢ to. So there's conversation about cars and makes of cars and blah blah blah blah. And and folks were talking about Toyota. We both have Toyotas both paid for. We're not getting a new car right now. We don't want a car note. We like having paid for vehicles. Both are Toyotas. Both are kinda old. Why? For anybody who's like, is Toyota worth

the money? Because they are more expensive. And I that's another reason we're not getting a new car anytime soon. I know I want a Toyota. I don't wanna pay the those prices right now. My car is a 2012, has a 104,000 miles on it. Mhmm. Partly because I barely have been driving it for the past few years. JB's is a 2009 RAV 4. I have a Corolla. JB's is a RAV 4. 2009, it has a 100 and what,000? A 176,000. And we knock on wood, as long as we maintain it, it it's

it's okay. I don't wanna say anything too glowing about it because that's the moment your car doesn't start in the morning. Yeah. Yeah. That'll do it. So I'm not giving it too much praise. I'm just saying whenever the day comes again Mhmm. Mhmm. It will be a Toyota. So but yeah. Okay. I missed that. Tayshia said if it gets too crazy, we can call an emergency virtual munch and hang out with them.

You know, there's a part of me that wants to just, like, hunker down on the couch tonight, but it's it's a thought if we have lights and Internet. Right. So, yeah, that's us. Mhmm. This is weird. For podcast listeners, it don't matter to you. You're listening to it whenever. Yeah. But for recording, we're not recording in the evening like we usually do. We're recording in the Or in the middle of the day. Right. It's like mid afternoon. Yeah. And it feels strange. It does.

It does. It feels strange. And now we should probably stop, pause, take a 5 minute break because then we have to a video to record and a podcast episode to record. Yep. So we should probably go do that. Yep. And a storm to prepare for. Also that we have to take out the projectile. Yeah. Objects and and projectile missiles. What's the word? What's the phrase I'm looking for? There's a phrase I'm looking for. Those things, we gotta get them out of the fucking yard before they hit somebody. Yeah.

Where they're wimps. Before they can do before they can do some damage. Right there. Okay. Okay. So we're gonna go. Yep. Thanks for being here with us, especially to the bitter end. Yep. If you are like us and in the potential kind of or direct path of the storm, please be safe. Take care of yourself. Please do. Don't stand under a tree in a lightning storm. Nope. Okay. We're gonna go. Mhmm. Okay. Alright. Bye. Bye.