You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast, episode 414. Kayla Lourdes here with the one, the only, the I can't think of anything snarky to say. Wow. I know, but I love you. And also, insert snark here. Just assume that I'll come up with it at some point. John Brownstone. Also, I apparently forgot how to say our name, loving BDSM, at the the very top there. If it sounded weird to y'all, it felt weird in my mouth. I just like, my tongue tripped over itself. I don't know what was happening there.
I don't know. I don't know what any of this is about, but I will tell you what today's episode is about. Okay. We are still on our back to basics series to talk about the, other life responsibilities, and issues and stuff that will get in the way of your power exchange. And a reminder that that is normal, that you are not doing d s wrong Mm-mm. When life gets in the way. Nope. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this is your first time listening, glad to have
you. You're back for another week, welcome back. Loving BDSM is produced every Monday Friday for your kinky pleasure and education, and show notes are found at lovingbdsm.net. Come back often and feel free to add the podcast to your favorite podcast app. You can also follow the show on FetLife at loving BDSM PC on Instagram and technically threads at that handle I will forever fucking hate.
Loving d s and the number one. So it's at loving d s one or on YouTube at youtube.com/loving BDSM, where you can watch us live stream the podcast every Wednesday. All links are in the show notes. Big thanks as always to our kinky patrons over on Patreon, including our newest peeps. We're able to be weirdos on the Internet with a microphone, in large part because of our kinky patrons, and we are grateful
for every one of you. If you'd like to join our kinky community and get access to extra content and a Discord server, and, like, the Saturday's live stream that we do once a month just for our Patreon members, you can do that. Just join us at patreon.com/ kayla lords. That's patreon.com/kayla lords or use the link in the show notes. Okay. Before we get into this week's topic, we are sponsoring We again this week. I
don't know. I don't know. It's not sponsorship because we don't pay ourselves to say this. This is what we do as part of our ability to pay our mortgage, but we do it. So we're sponsoring we again this week. We got new products on, like, the shops that we have. So, over the weekend, I released a very limited quantity of resin paddles, paddles made out of resin. And they're beautiful. Thank you. There there's only a few left, and the next drop won't be until Black Friday.
So if you are curious and interested, link is in the places. But if you don't see colors you like, that's okay. I'm in the process of making more. It's a very slow process right now, so that's why the next drop's not till Black Friday. We've got, resin paddles. You restocked wood knives. You restocked some of our diabolical sticks. Yep. Yeah. So if you need some kink toys, go check out thekinkery, thekinkery.com. Then over on Etsy, our latest workbook is up and available,
on Etsy. If you bought the kink bundle this year that we, promoted in September 2024, for anybody time traveling right now, that this workbook was in that. But if you did not, ta da, it's on our Etsy shop. So it basically is how we would like to answer the question we get a lot of. What punishments should we do in our power exchange? What rewards should we do? Because our answer is always, we can't tell you. It depends.
So in this workbook, we outlined how punishments we from our view, should work, can work, the best way to go about them, and then we gave you worksheets for you to figure them out for yourself based on the people involved. And then the same with rewards, and then links to resources. So if you are sitting around going, how do I figure out punishments and rewards in your power exchange? We have a workbook. Mhmm. Link in the places. Yeah. I think I was gonna say something else to go with that.
I I ain't got it. It's poof. It's already gone. So all that being said, let's get into the topic. So this is the last episode we're gonna do in our back to basics series for now. More topics will come up. I have a couple still kinda listed off to the side, but there's other stuff we wanna talk about that I wanna talk about that will be talked about. So we're gonna do this one because I didn't feel like we could finish up, like, this portion of the series and
not have this one. Because this is the one that fucks people up the most. This is the one where rubber meets the road, fantasy meets reality. Mhmm. You negotiate your power exchange. You're hyped up about it, hopefully. You're excited to do the thing. Mhmm. And then you have to work overtime for, like, a month. And then your kids get sick and, like, life comes to a stop. And then somebody gets laid off and everybody's stressed.
And the thing I noticed that a lot of newer kinksters do, and it can be new to kink or just new in your power exchange, they immediately blame themselves for not being able to maintain their full power exchange through these life stressors that are just occurring. And it's like, actually, no. This is the part of the relationship where you're gonna figure out
how you navigate it in these moments. And let me just say straight up, you're not failing when life lives and the shit you wanna be doing, power exchange, kinky fuckery, has to take a back burner because you've got very real, very adult, very non kink responsibilities you have to deal with. So True. I'm not I don't mean to be yelling at y'all. I don't even feel particularly ranting, but I do feel passionate about
this. Why? Because it's this kind of stuff that sort of inspired the direction of our entire podcast, which is this is what it's like to live this. Like, I I'm not good at talking about scenes and the fuckery because that's fun, but I like what I like and I only like what I like. So I can't really talk about it. But the, hey, I wanna call you daddy, but, like, my mom's in town. Hey, I'd like to kneel for you, but these knees don't kneel.
Hey, you'd like to dom the shit out of me, but your depression is getting like, that's the reality of anything we do, kinkier. Otherwise, it has life is gonna life. It's probably what I should have just called this episode. See? What before we get into our topics, what would you add to my strongly worded non rant? I don't know what's happening either. I don't know if I could follow that up. I mean, you came out guns blazing on that one. This kinda topic, this shit's my jam.
This shit's my jam because I want to validate the people who feel the struggle. I want to reassure the people who think they've somehow done power exchange wrong or it's somehow not for them because they can't live the fantasy of what 247 looks like. We call ourselves 247 y'all not because I do things submissively. First of all, I don't think I do anything submissively. I don't do things as a submissive every moment of the day. No. Gobblaney? I'm a goblin. I am not a demure submissive.
No. I'm a goblin. It's because every moment of the day, no matter what is happening in our life, he is always daddy, I am always baby girl. He is what we call the decider, capital t, capital d, register trademark. And that doesn't change even when things are coming at us fast and furious and we can't even keep up. And the last time we've seen was like, I don't I'm not even thinking about the last time we had a full scene. That's too that's
depressing. Or the last time we got to engage in the part of our power exchange that's more overt, where he's using the tone and giving me the look, and I'm I know y'all will be surprised by this. I'm behaving in a meek, mild way. It does happen. It really does. I promise. Because who we are to one another and how we navigate our relationship never changes. We have one caveat to that, and that's parenting. It's the only place where JB doesn't get to just decide. Every other part of our life, I I
do the research. I form my own opinion. Mhmm. I bring it to him. Yep. Tell him what my opinion is, explain how I got to that opinion, and then leave it to him to decide because he's earned that trust. That's why to us, we're 247. We're not total power exchange 247 where he micromanages my every move. Neither of us has time for that. No. No. But we are always who we are. That is how our relationship works. For other people who have busy lives and life stressors, you might not set it up that way.
That might not work for you, and that's okay too. You might have to have designated time when we are in this headspace. This is how this is gonna work for us. That's valid too. And then there's some third way that I can't think of, and that's that'll be fine too. So I'm back to lecturing, and I'm really not mad at any of y'all. I'm just this topic is my jam. So because this topic is my jam, and this is part of our back to basics series because this is stuff we've been talking about since 2015.
For anybody who's new, yes, it's when the podcast started. I have links in the places for y'all to all of these topics. We have talked about them multiple times in different ways in different places. And everywhere I could go and find an old link, I did, so that when we hit on something and we don't spend an hour on one of these topics, we already have. You can go do a deep dive with an old episode. Like, I pulled a lot from our archive, y'all. Like, it's like it's it's deep in
the archive. We were in the the episodes, like, 40 something and then 30 something. This is this is when we don't sound like we do now, so prepare yourself. So let's go through. I I pick we picked 4. We sat we sat down. We have a little little powwow about it. A combo. Yeah. Right. Right. Right. So the first one, to me, this is one of the biggest. For others, this one won't apply, But it's parenting and
any other caregiving. Any other caregiving is taking care of 1 of your own parents, taking care of a sibling, taking care of a friend, having to get Taking care of each other. Well, there's that as well. Mhmm. Parenting is a big portion of that for many of us. For anybody who's like parenting, yes, you can be a parent and be in power exchange and have a kinky relationship. Absolutely, yes. It does affect how you do that. True. True. But But so let's let's talk about
parenting and caregiving to other human beings. Mhmm. How how that how that gets in the way sometimes. Oh. Oh, man. From birth until they fly the nest, if that is an option for you. I I was a caregiver for my sister. Yep. And then I was also caregiver for my mom. Yep. And something like that, I can definitely throw a monkey wrench in DS. Yeah. It disrupts it disrupts all facets of your life, and power exchange is one of them. You know, it was it was it was a difficult time for me. Mhmm.
You know? And, with, with my sister, I even came to you and said, look It happened when I asked you you came home from something. I think it was something with your sister because you're taking her to her appointments and chemo and stuff like that. And I had I had done everything I could. There was one decision that had to be made. I needed to know what he wanted to drink to go with his dinner. You never know what what the the straw that will break the camel's back will be.
You never know it till it happens, and that was his moment. That was the moment. He literally went, I cannot make a decision. Do not ask me. Okay. You're you're getting Kool Aid tonight. I don't know if that's what she wanted. But yeah. Yeah. I mean, it was I I was I was trying to keep things normal, air quote back You were. In hopes that that that feeling would help you feel steady.
And that was not what you needed, but it was also one of those things we couldn't you didn't quite know what you needed until you knew what you didn't need, until you figured out this is a thing I can't handle. Right. And that's when we could have that conversation because in the middle of it, you were trying to keep everything, air quote, normal. I was trying to keep everything, and it was too much. And it just got to be
too much. I mean, you know, with with taking care of my sister, yeah, there was a lot going on between taking her to to to chemo appointments, to, you know, CAT scans, to doctor appointments and and everything, and, you know, then making sure she was okay at home, that she had the things she needed at home. And that her son was taken care of. Yeah. Yeah. And then managing the emotions you were feeling over it. Yeah. Because and managing your family and their emotions. Right.
And still dealing with a full day of work and Right. And you only had so much PTO and Right. You you know, where you worked, should this be a thing where you have to ration out your PTO and people, like, donate their no. That should not be how American society works, but it is how Yeah. The corporate world works. Well And so you
were you were having to watch that. You were having to manage that I I was on top of everything I was very grateful because, yes, with with the amount of appointments and everything she had, I I was burning through my Real fast. My my my sick time and and PTO Mhmm. Like like a wildfire. I was very lucky. My boss at that time, she she was wonderful. Without really asking me, she put me into this thing where people donate their Their unused PTO. Unused PTO, and,
I was able to to continue. Right. Because the problem was if he had used the, Family Medical Leave Act that we have here in the States, he could have gotten the time off and kept his job, but he would not have been paid. Right. We we needed him to be paid. Yeah. And that's the reality that it's not about flavor of your
life or relationship. Right. A lot of people in the states face that and have to make those decisions about I'm taking care of somebody who matters, whether it's child or family member or whatever, but also I still have to go out and earn money. And to be doing that while then trying to be the best daddy dom he could be, like, something had to give. Something had to And and that that that's really what it came down to, you know.
I had to kind of look and see, you know, I I cannot continue doing everything that everybody, you know, expects of me Right. Right now. And, Where was I? Oh my god. It has to me too. You know, but, you know, I had to kind of look and and see, I I guess, in a way, prioritize. Mhmm. And not to say that our power exchange isn't important. Right. It's where you have the flexibility. But in the in the grand scheme of things, it was the one thing I could say, okay. We need to put this on
hold for the time being. Mhmm. And the way so the way our power exchange is structured is it's very routine oriented. So JB does not tell me all the time that he has something for me to do. We laid out in our negotiation, here are the things he wants me to do daily, weekly as needed, and I just kinda just do it. Right? We're only gonna talk about it if I can't do it or if he wants to amend something. Decent decisions on my own, and he just back me up, whatever they might
be. He trusted me to do that. He knew that I was a fully functioning capable adult who could Yeah. Run life for a little bit. But what it meant for me as a submissive was that I didn't stop doing the things I agreed to do. Could I have, I guess, but he still wanted his morning coffee every morning. And how how unfair would that have been if I'd have been every morning. And how how unfair would that have been if I'd have been like, oh, we're putting our power exchange on hold. Guess what?
Overworked, frazzled, stressed out, dom of mine. You're gonna now have to make your own morning coffee. Like, come on. That would've that wouldn't have worked. Good. So I was able to keep doing the things I had agreed to do that Correct. When I was mindful and when I could focus on it, would allow me to feel like the submissive I wanted to be. What I did not get during that time was a lot of feedback for the things that were
done. JB's always shown gratitude. That's just his nature, and and we consider gratitude to be a really important part of power exchange. Yeah. So he would still thank me for stuff. But, you know, anybody who's been in power exchange knows there's a difference between the partner you care about saying thank you and and your dom saying thank you. Right? Like, it's a vibe. And if you don't know yet, I hope you do one day.
It's a vibe. So I was getting, you know, partner, just being grateful he had a little bit of help. But I still got to be as much of a submissive as as I was capable of being, knowing that the rest of it had to be put on hold. I think it's why I tend to advocate I don't I'm not gonna tell anybody how
they should set up their power exchange. But if I could give you, like, something to consider, even if you're not a service sub, is finding things that you can do as a submissive that do not require direct input from your DOM day to day. You negotiate it upfront. You'll have to renegotiate if something and life changes. But you know you're doing in oh, there was a word I wanted, but you're doing it for your relate in service
of your relationship. You know, you're doing it because you're submissive, because it was already agreed upon. You'll figure out ways to remember for yourself if necessary, which that can be a tough part. Because what it allows is for if you, the submissive, are mostly okay and it's your dom who's going through something, you still have something to hold on to. Right? You still have little things that Mhmm. It's not the full package and it's not enough, but it's something instead of a, you know,
turn like, turning off a faucet. Mhmm. I think the one thing we did not stop doing, I we the energy was different, but I still did the ask permission to go to bed thing. Yes. I still showed you my ass and you still rubbed it or smacked it depending on the mood. Mhmm. So we did still have that. Yeah. That that never really went away. The energy would be different depending on the day. True. But and those small routines, I think, make
a big difference too. Yeah. Because if it's something you can manage during, a stressful time, especially if that stressful time is temporary, then again, you still have a point of connection. You know? Parenting, The side where you've got children and their very own unique individual needs. From babies I'm very glad I never tried to do power exchange with babies. I I don't know what that's like, so I cannot give offer any advice on that.
But I from the age of 4 to now, the oldest is 19, youngest is 15. Oh my god. They're crying up. That's a whole vibe. Because sometimes, you're just going along. You find ways to, like, keep your power change, like, subtle so the kids aren't clocking anything. But you're thinking about, can I play in this house with paper thin walls? We had that experience. Mhmm. Can you know, a kid is sick. They're up and down all night. One of you is going to take care
of them. Okay. Well, then whatever your nightly routine is, throw that out the window. Right? We have gone through the past year, stuff with the youngest where his mental health was fucked, his physical health was fucked. We changed the way he does school. We changed everything about his life just to get him to a place where he could be healthy again. Knock on wood. He seems to be there. But if you think I had the brain power to be the subbiest, submissive JVs ever known
in that time. Um-mm. Because the priority was on being the was focused on the kid. And that was both of us, but I'm the default parent. So a lot of the day to day medical stuff, health stuff, school stuff to you. That was me. And that meant there wasn't as much energy to give to certainly not to play. Although, I am a person who does get a lot of stress relief and tension relief from impact play.
So no matter how tired I am, I can be down for even 10 minutes of it because I know I'm gonna feel better afterwards. But, you know, the rest of it the rest of it's hard. You know? The rest of it is if you're running back and forth with a kid to all these appointments, well, guess what I'm not doing in the middle of the day? Whatever my routine is as JB's submissive. Right? He'll have to do it for himself or it'll have to wait.
And then being a good partner that he is, if I was exhausted from just all of it, he would be like, no. You're not gonna do this thing you normally do. Go sit your ass on the couch. I'll handle it, you know. Because yeah. You know, the the the shoe drops on your foot. Mhmm. You know? And it it's not just big d's that have, you know, life things happen.
So, you know, even with you. Yeah. I mean, you know, when when the youngest last year was going through a lot of health issues, you know, we, there were certain times I had to say to you, you know, like, no. You know, don't don't worry about that. You have other things going on right now. Mhmm. And, you know, you you need to be able to to do that. Right. And you need to know that it's normal when you have to do that. Like, it's not let me just say it again.
You are not failing in power exchange. You are living a life, and some things will just take priority at times. And that, you know, I am do I do I try to imagine a life where I do not have children living in this house? They have they're they're launched into the world in their own way, whatever that's gonna look like, and we could just wander around this house naked? Yeah. Yeah. I do have that in that vision in my head. But I also know that even when that happens, something's gonna come
up in life. There's gonna be something. Right? There always is. There always is. Yeah. So, I mean, I will cling to my fantasy of being an empty nester. Look. I know what I'll do if the day ever comes I get to be an empty nester. I will cry my eyes out. It'll be ugly tears, snot bubbles. It'll be pitiful. Okay? Because I know how I cried when I left my oldest, his apartment at college. Like, I know. But then when I, like, pull myself together, then I'll be like, oh, we can get naked
now. This is delightful. Please hit me in nearly every room in this house because we haven't done that. We have not No. When the house was still empty before we moved in, I think I think you did, like, you know, chase me around the house a little bit. Yeah. But it's, you know Yeah. That's been several years ago now. But but, you know, in in thinking about this, when both times when we, bought the condo Mhmm.
And and again when we bought this house, we looked at certain things, okay, how they played into our our kink lives, our BDSM lives. You know, one of one of the must haves that we, you know, meant to the talk with the realtor and they were like, you know, what's one of your, you know, what are some of your must haves that you can't do without? Split plan. Bedroom's gotta be on opposite ends
of the house. Yep. Y'all, both when we bought the condo and then when we bought this house, part of the the viewing or showing or whatever it's called, one of us stood in what would have been a kid's bedroom, and the other one stood in what would be our bedroom. And even empty, we got as loud as we thought we would probably get while scening Mhmm. To see how well we could could hear the other one. Yeah. That was part of the buying process. Right.
The the worst year was when we rented before thought. And we'd had to take what we could get that was within our budget, that was in the district we wanted to be in. Like, we just didn't have a lot of choice. And when you're renting, I I get it. You don't always have Have that choice. Yeah. Kinds of choices. Right. And, yeah, we were in our bedroom and right across the hall through paper thin walls and all the heated walls. Those walls were fanning. So sad. I mean, one of the boys were were
in their room and they sneezed. You could hear it. With the all the doors closed. With the doors shut. Yeah. So, yeah, we learned to what when we had the luxury, we we played when the kids weren't home or we, would go somewhere else to play. And Mhmm. But yeah. Like, I think anybody who is a parent already gets it. Like, you just know. You you know from before they're born, you know from the moment they're born. Your life is completely altered. Right? Like, nothing is quite the same anymore.
But, you know, I think it's easy to feel like maybe you're doing power exchange wrong. You're not. To feel like you'll never get it back. That's another thing with with parenting especially, because you you see this kid you've got and you imagine, what, a minimum of 18 years, probably longer. And and what you're seeing now is the the ways that your life is impacted now with the age they're at now, and it probably feels like, oh, it'll always be this
way. It it will not. Under most typical, situations, when you have a basically healthy child who is going to develop on some sort of typical process, they will get older. They will become more independent, and they probably won't wanna be around you. And so they might even leave the house from time to time. Like, it will change over time. It's just a matter of giving it time. Yeah. We could talk about parenting and caregiving all day because it is probably one of the
things that impacts us the most. Yeah. But we have other things we wanna get through. Okay. So work. Yeah. Because very few of us in this world don't gotta work. Right. So You know? And, yeah. Work work and, work. Corporate job and self employment. Yeah. Yeah. It'll often Been on been on both ends of that that, gut scale. Now, you know, I will and Lola agrees. Yep. Yep. You agree. Thank you. You know, yeah, when I when when we first met, I was working an office job.
Mhmm. Technically, when we first met, I was working an office job. You were too. That's that's true. Mhmm. You know, and at that point, I was I was very lucky. I had a I had a good boss. Man, nobody has forgotten you. No. I mean, you're right next to me. You're right at my feet. So anyway, you know, she she was a a really good boss. Marvelous person. I I still keep in touch. You're welcome. You keep talking. I'm so sure she wants to grow. See, I see.
And, you know, with that, it it made for, you know, not a lot of stress. Now, when she retired and new person came in, he was totally different. He sulked. You know. And, he made things very very stressful. So, you know, it work can absolutely affect things because, you know, if you have a if you have a good boss, you know, you everything, you know, could be good. Right? You know?
And you get on the other side of that bad boss, then you start throwing him maybe some overtime, you know, because you gotta do this and, you know, then, oh, you know, you gotta Your bad boss completely changed how you work. Like Yeah. We literally had to go buy a car Yeah. Because this boss reassigned him, even though this was not how he wanted to be reassigned and it was not the best, use of resources. No. Yeah. That guy sucked. So, you know, that that puts a lot of
stress. Mhmm. And, you know, and even and and even now, at this point, self employed. That's a different kind of stress. It's not better, worse. It's just completely different. It's completely different. Yeah. Because, you know, everything is on your shoulders. You don't work. You don't eat. Right. I mean, you know what? In a way, that's true when you work for somebody else. Yeah. But assuming you know you could go to work tomorrow and you're on the schedule, like, at least you're like, okay.
I know I'm gonna get paid. Self employment, it's like, if I do not bust my ass every moment of every day, will anybody spend their money with me? Right? Will anybody hire me? Will anybody whatever whatever? Yeah. It's I'm not gonna I'm not gonna play the the, back and forth of who's got it worse. No. It's all it all sucks. It's just different. And and, you know, it's it it all adds to the stress. And I know from our experience, being so there was stress when you especially when you have
the shitty boss. There was stress when you had the bad boss, and it meant that you would come home at the end of the day and you couldn't always get into your dom headspace. No. Because you do not dom angry. No. I don't. Know you're angry, you're like, oh, no. We're not doing anything. Going there. Because, you know, he does not want to accidentally take something out on me that isn't about me in a way that neither of us would find find to do.
These days, it's more like and I think this is a pretty typical issue that self employed people go through. Mhmm. Especially when it's not like the money's you're not rolling in the money. But maybe even then, I don't know, you feel like you're supposed to be working all the time. Yeah. And in this case, we don't have a clear break. So, like, ideally, I would I often tell people, and people have told me they do this, when the work day there's a point in the day when the day is done, you
come home from work. Right? And then maybe you go that's when you put on get your collar put on you. Or you, when your your dom gets home from work, that's when you present to them in a specific way. Blah blah blah. Right? And that is the the demarcation from non kink life to kink life, and it starts. Right? But also when you work a job, when you clock out and you're done, you're done for the day. Being self employed, we have to try to decide when we're
done for the day. And sometimes that's easy, and sometimes that's not. But we also don't ever get a clear break from it. And and it's it's like, you know, because of that, because of the way our our work and our life is structured, you know, we don't say, okay, you know, we work a 9 to 5 because we don't. Right. We don't even just work a set schedule. No. You know, I mean, like today, you did take half a day off. Man, I had to spend a lot of
time justifying it to myself. Yeah. And and, you know, I I worked, I think it was what, around 12:31 o'clock when I finally came in from from the shop, but my day wasn't over. Right. You know, because then I ended up I had a lot of stuff to do around the house. I had to make cold brew. I had to, you know, start dinner for tomorrow. You know, I showered. I showered. I ate. You know, I Right. But I mean, to me, when I you know, the work part is we're focused on
making the product. We're focused on marketing the product. We're we're having a lot of conversations about finances and plans for the future. And that is not easy because it bleeds into your whole life. We make a podcast. This is we love it. We enjoy it. We we do it for the love of it, but also it's part of our our self employment. Right. And so we don't get to just, like, exist sometimes, like, in the car going somewhere because one
it gets quiet. One of us is gonna go, you know, I've been thinking about this product idea. You know? You know? I have a, topic that I think maybe we should do. You know? Right? And and there's nothing really wrong with that, but it absolutely can interfere with power exchange because your focus isn't on the dynamic. It's on all these other things. And that's the point. All of these things we'll talk about, your focus just gets disrupted. And sometimes you have to you have to work hard to
change that focus. Being self employed, during the times when we've had very serious conversations about finances, I'm okay that our focus is on grinding it out and doing what we gotta do to pay the mortgage. Yeah. But when those times it's not like that. It's very hard to turn that off and go, we can let work just be kind of work, and we don't have to, like, be focused on that from the time we wake up to the time we go to
bed. What we need to do is set that down at some point in the day and turn to one another and focus on each other. Yeah. Most of the work stuff that I see that interferes with people's power exchanges is usually temporary. It's there's a big project coming up. You gotta lend your focus to it. You've temporarily got got that shitty boss who changed your entire, like, work life on you, forcing you to purchase a car to do the job. So
you know? But and then depending on what you do, depending on the economy of where you live, sometimes changing jobs is an option. Right? Sometimes going freelance is an option, but that is not always an option. And you just have to, like, move through that work stressor until you get to the other side of it. Mhmm. I think it's easier when you can see the other side. You know that the project is handled in 2 months. You know that the
overtime is only this month. You know that this weird shit schedule is just for this week and next week, you'll have a more typical schedule. And, like, those times are easier because you kinda just go, okay. Okay. We just let's just fucking speed run this and survive it, and we'll get to the other side. It's that stuff that is more disruptive. Like, when his job changed, the time he had to leave changed, the time he came home changed, the amount of time he had during the day to talk to me
changed. Like, our whole routine had to shift Yeah. Because we had built it around the old position that he'd had. The old schedule. Yeah. Right. Mhmm. So, you know, sometimes those work interferences do require you to go, okay. How how do we do this now? Because everything has changed. Yeah. In long distance relationships, this is where we started. Be we were very fortunate that at that time, we both had decent bosses and a set schedule. Very rarely did it change. Right.
But some of the ways that work will interfere with their power exchange Yeah. The only the only thing that really came into in that threw monkey wrench into gear at that time was meetings. Meetings you didn't plan for. And so we spent some sometimes it felt like we spent a lot of time just telling each other, okay, I can't talk to you at our normal lunch hour. I got a meeting. I will talk to you later. Right? And that sucks when you're long distance, when you're like, but this is this is our
time. Mhmm. I wanna talk to you during our time. Oh, we'll work. Conferences. I used to go to, like, 4 or 5 conferences a year. And so that would throw our long distance routine off. Those things are just a part of it. And if you take on this feeling of we're doing power exchange wrong because you don't maintain your entire routine through every second of that, you're you're gonna just be miserable because that's just not how this is not how life is ever gonna
work. You're gonna get some amount of time where everything follows the schedule that you expect, and you're able to kinda do the things that you expect to be able to do, and then it's gonna get thrown off. Now some people thrive on the chaos. Couldn't be me. Okay? Yeah. No. I am not that kind of goblet. I don't like the chaos. I I have the utmost respect for somebody that can just just just dive into a chaotic situation and roll with it. I I have the utmost
respect because I can't. Never could. Here's what I'll say. If you can, I think most of the time this it won't be that hard for you? But I bet eventually you're gonna find the thing where it even that it was too much even for you. Again, you won't be failing. It'll just be you just gotta be more realistic about your power exchange, quite frankly. Let's roll work into the next one because, man, they usually go hand in hand. Yep. Financial stress.
You wanna get me and JB at each other's throats, like knocked down, dragged out. Is this relationship going to survive? Argument about money. And and you know what? Money is biggest stressor for Most people. Most any relationship. Mhmm. Yeah. Mhmm. Mhmm. Yep. And you're contending with a lot of things. Like, there have been times and we've had deep conversations about this, not by yelling, but we've had to have deep conversations. JB, raised as a man in western culture, sees his identity,
and is he earning enough money? Is there enough money? Am I providing enough? Man, we've been we've been working on that. Because I'm like, that is not what your manhood is defined by. That is not what makes you, JB. We do we do not attach our our inherent worth and value as a human being to how much we can produce in a capitalistic society. We're not doing that because that's not how any of this ought to work. Is it how some of it works? Yes. But it should not work that
way. So, you know, when we've taken financial hits, what those 2 chaotic years where somebody got hit by a literal fucking car and everything, like, fell down around our ears. You know, we you wanna talk about not being in the mood for fuckery. Have the conversation about how you're gonna pay the bills this month and then think, you know what? Sure. I'll go lean over the bed. Why don't you rub my butt a couple of times? Nobody's in the mood for that song. If you again, if you are a chaos
goblin and you're like, no. No. I can handle that. Make it make it bad. That makes me want to get my fuckery on. Yeah. I'm kinda happy for you because I'm the type that's like, actually, all I can do right now is focus on this problem. Mhmm. How do we fix this problem? How do we get how do we get past it and resolve it? Because this is a capitalist society, and you gotta have money to fucking survive. Right? But for I know for us, parenting was also this way, but money has been
the worst. We do not fight very often. I think in our entire nearly 12 years of knowing one another, I less than a handful of times have we had truly bad arguments. Yeah. Of those times, most of them were about money. Mhmm. Yep. Because that financial stress typically engenders fear. Right? Am I gonna have a roof over my head? Can I feed my family? You know, what's gonna happen to us? Right? Yeah. And it is it is a thing that breaks a lot of relationships. A lot of relationships can't survive
that. But if you can, if it can bring you closer, that's not a bad thing. No. It's not necessarily gonna bring you closer in your power exchange because sometimes when JB gets up in his head about money, even though his fears are valid, like, hell yeah. I have the same fucking fears. It's my mouthy, you know, bitchy self who has to go, woah. Woah. Woah. Woah. Woah. No. What we're not gonna do is do this. And I gotta kinda
pull them out. Bring me in. Yeah. So I think of it as an act of service, but not anything I did submissively. Okay? Just saying. I I think that maybe kinda walks the the fine line with the, tough love. Oh, our tough love clause. Yeah. Yeah. I need to add that link to the places because the tough love clause because all of these things will will impact often both of you in different ways. Right?
But in many ways, it will impact one of you more than the other, whether it's parenting work, financial stress, and then the last one will get to illness and injury. And somebody, the dom, is not gonna wanna take care of themselves. They're gonna think that they shouldn't. They're gonna think that their responsibility is to you. They're gonna push themselves too hard. And, man, that tough love clause?
The tough love clause, in short, is and JB has to trust me on this and I have to use this judiciously. Mhmm. If JB's health is suffering and he's not doing anything about it and health is not just physical health. We're not just talk about when you got the flu. We're talking about when it's your mental health too. Like, when I said, I love you. You have to find a therapist. That was the tough
love clause. Okay? Because if you're not gonna take care of yourself, I'm going to push you in a way that nobody would call submissive to do it. Sometimes it's me doing the research going, here's the information you need. You do have to make the phone call. You are the legal adult here. Sometimes it's me picking up the phone and making the appointment for him and going, by the way, you've got a dentist appointment. You've got a doctor's appointment. You've got a what right?
Sometimes tough love clause is, in a loving way, telling him to get his own head out up of his own ass. Yeah. I don't say those words, but we know what I mean Right. When I do it. Yes. That's the tough love clause. We worked that in because I was enough of an adult and had seen some shit and knew how I was. We're negotiating on our negotiating our relationship health? And I just suggested, like, how how do we make this happen?
And we kind of, through our conversation, worked out what we call the tough love clause. He was like, okay. He's like, I trust you. If you say that something is detrimental to my health if I don't do it, I will listen to you. The only caveat, we gotta be respectful. Right? I can't I cannot roll up like the raging bitch I actually am. And I and he knows me now, so my tone to a an outsider probably would sound a little shitty, but he knows this with love. And it's it is done with respect.
But that's for financial stress. I've we've had to use it a few times. Mhmm. Because he'll work himself to the bone. He'll work himself to burnout. I have who have I'm still recovering from some burnout from several years ago. I feel it more acutely, so I kinda pull myself back. That's how I took my half day off. I was like, no. No. We cannot work or we cannot do the grind thing until we burn burnout. Right? That's where over the summer, I'm like, JB, take
take Monday Friday off. Like, we can get the work done in 3 days a week. You can do that. We can justify that. And he didn't want to. He didn't want to. He didn't want to because of the financial stress, but I was like, look. You're barely functioning in work right now. Let's not even talk about in the rest. Yeah. Yeah. And, I mean, financial stress will fuck you up all kinds of ways. Right? It'll cause arguments. It'll put a damper on the fun you've been having in your power exchange. We don't
go to clubs. We don't go to dungeons. We don't go we don't go to parties because I have my social anxiety. But, you know, like, we don't go to these things that we used to go to because that's not where we get to spend our money. But it also means we do not have an outlet for our power exchange Right. In ways that we once had. Mhmm. And so that's been a thing to, like, get used to and go, okay. We can't do what we used to do. How do we pivot and do something different? And we still
struggle with that, by the way. And and that and that is a hard part, and I and I think most people do struggle with that. Yes. With being able to make that pivot because you you get into that comfort zone. Yes. You know, and everything's just just flowing, man, and it's great and, you know, life is wonderful, and I got the get the best baby girl there is, and, you know, she takes good care of me, and then nope. You know, life says hold my beer. Yes.
And we had several years of life just man, life did not have enough loop for what it was doing to us. No. Okay. And you do go through dogging it. You go through periods of life like that, and it is it puts a strain on your power exchange. We've had multiple conversations on this podcast over the years, especially when we've talked about the stuff we've gone through Yeah.
Specifically. It's like the thing we're not that's why I'm glad that the nature of our power change is he is always the decider. That is the one thing that just it occurs. Right? So it means that when we're not consciously thinking of our power exchange, that is still there. Right? I it's just ingrained to me. I'm not I wouldn't anyway, as the type of partner I am in a relationship, I'm not making a decision without his input anyway.
So it's not hard to just be in that habit of, okay, but he's gonna decide, unless he's at a point where he cannot. Right? We went through that when your your mom got sick and then and passed away. Like, you just you couldn't, but you knew yourself well enough at that point At that point. To know, to tell me. Right. The we're gonna get to the last one here.
But the thing that helps with every single one of these and and helps not in a way that it fixes anything or even alleviates the pressure, but the thing that can hold the 2 of you together is gonna be communication. Yeah. You got you you're That's the c word. You're gonna run the gauntlet of learning some communication skills when life does this shit to you. Right?
Because when you can see that a known thing that you're always dealing with is gonna interfere with rules in your power exchange or routines in your power exchange or protocol. It'll be your job as the first person to see that disruption coming to raise the flag up and go, hey. We gotta talk about this because this is not gonna work the way it normally does. How do you wanna adjust? And that was the thing I've done. It's the thing I typically do when I can see that life is lifing. Mhmm.
It's gonna fuck up our routine. I'm not gonna be able to do a thing I normally do. It's gonna alter timing. I kinda go, hey. Have are you aware? Okay. We got what do you wanna do about this? How do we wanna handle it? The more you can get used to doing that, it's a habit you have to form. And the clearer your communication can be about what you're going through, what you want to be able to do, what your expectations are, both sides of the slash. I won't call it easy.
Mhmm. But I think the better you can manage it. Right? Because the thing that tends to make all of this harder than it already is is when nobody's talking to each other about how it's it feels like it's crumbling around you a little bit, and you can't maintain the thing you always do. And so then maybe somebody feels a sense of guilt or even shame over not being able to do the thing. Or they tell themselves that maybe it doesn't really matter, and I don't have to mention anything. Well,
now resentment's probably gonna start creeping in. And it makes what can be a stressful time of life that much harder. And that's where then when the stress kind of normalizes or goes away, whichever one, you're back to almost rebuilding a power exchange because everything fell off the rails. If the basics of just a decent relationship, regardless of flavor, can can stay in place as much as possible, it's easier to get back to your power
exchange. Because then when everything calms down a little bit, you're not going, oh shit, I kinda sucked. I'm so sorry. Oh no, I kinda sucked. You're going, okay, that sucked. Right? That thing sucked. How do we get some dynamic back? How do we get some fuckery back? Right? And you're not gonna be we were not perfect at this in the beginning. No. We're still not perfect at it quite frankly. But we the lines of communication are would have gotten better.
The ability to realize that we are reacting to our partner, to each other, like, we're the problem. Because the problem is the thing to remember is whatever stressor in life, whenever life is lifing and and getting in the way of your power exchange, it is the 2 of you against the problem. It's not it should not be in a healthy situation. Y'all put it against one another because you won't have a power exchange to go back to Right. When everything calms down or normalizes.
Mhmm. Because sometimes shit don't calm down. You just get used to it, and you just adjust your life around and go, okay. This is what life is like now, and you figure it out. Right? And sometimes it calms down, and it gets better, and that's great. Mhmm. But either way, what are you gonna have with each other
when it does? If you're not speaking to one another, if you're if you're starting arguments and not resolving them, if, you know, if you are if you're not focused on the teamwork aspect of it. So the last one. Last. Illness and injury, you can call it disability because especially if it's chronic condition. Mhmm. It that all falls under here. Disabilities, temporary illnesses, temporary injuries, things like just I had surgery. It was Right. It was not an emergency. I was
We we knew it. Yeah. We could plan for it. We could plan for it. Yeah. But that moment disrupted the power exchange. Yep. JV's mental health has over the past couple years. At its worst, it impacted things. Yeah. Then things kind of normalized, and he had a therapist and medication and blah blah. And, you know, and even now, that's a thing that doesn't necessarily just completely go away Mhmm. Based on, you know, his personal situation. So sometimes it flares, and then we're dealing
with a flare. Same with my mental health. Same with all kinds of stuff. Right? And I I think I don't think that's a surprise to anybody. If your partner breaks their leg and they're laid up in bed for 3 weeks, you would not expect the same stuff out of them. However, when it's an unseen thing, it's mental health. It's it's the the downside of neurodivergence. Right? It's the struggles of that. It's the challenges of that. It's a chronic condition that flares, and you can't predict a flare. Those
kinds of things. I think people feel a greater sense of shame. I won't even say guilt. Guilt would be you it's unnecessary, but that's at least a healthy emotion. Shame is the thing that, like, you feel like you were the bad person. You're not. It's a thing you can't control even if you're working on it. And a good partner is going to know that. They're going to understand that. They're probably gonna try to be
helpful and kind to you. But if you are coming from a place of shame, says somebody from experience, you might not be your best self either. Yeah. When when she had that surgery and, I told her she was gonna follow doctor's orders to the letter That was fucking weird. That was so fucking weird. It was. Yeah. It was tough for me to sit on the couch. Right. Now here's what's funny on
that. If you were the partner who was the help you know, doing a little bit more taking on things while your partner recovers, you know, whatever whatever. Right? The thing he forgot, he here's what JB tried to do. JB tried to do everything JB does and everything. She did. And I went, why the fuck are you doing that? Right. First of all, some of that stuff's not even necessary. 2nd of all, we just have to get through. Yeah. Bare minimum is okay right now. Are the kids
healthy? Are they are they being fed? Are they going to this was during Christmas break. They didn't even have to go to school. I was like, are they being fed? Are they following most of our rules? Okay. They're fine. I was like, does our house smell bad? Do we have no clean clothes left? No? We're good. Right? You like, it's and sometimes that's the conversation when especially when it's a temporary thing. Right?
I cannot speak on chronic conditions and disabilities that flare, like, consistently Mhmm. Because I do not live that life. I know it impacts power exchange. It impacts how because I've had people tell me, it impacts the power exchange you try to negotiate because things can't be routine because you don't maybe don't know day to day what's gonna go on. Right. I know it impacts how people feel
about themselves. I have talked to way too many kinksters who think they're a bad dom or sub because their disability impedes what they can do Mhmm. On a day to day basis. The right partner for you is gonna have already known and embraced it and gone, this is the ride we're on. Okay. We'll figure it out. I mean, you know, it it was not an easy thing, to accept, you know, my back degrading the way it
has over the years. Mhmm. And, you know, because of that, I cannot do some of the things I used to do. Right. Or in in a in the way I used to do them. And that fucks with your head a lot. Yeah. But, you know, with with that, I have found other ways to do the things that don't impact me. Mhmm. You know? And and that has been a big help in that. So I find it so when your back goes out, I get very nervous because I I am thinking, okay. He's in pain. Is there anything I can even do? How do I help
him? And and I know you think we've had these conversations. I'm not saying anything he doesn't really know. There's also that thought of, oh, is this our new normal? Is this what it's like? Right? And, 1, we hope that never happens, but, 2, that could be a scary thing. It could be a sad thing. And that's yet another stressor that is now on our just our relationship in general, regardless of flavor. Right?
When he's down for the count, though, I go into, like, uber submissive to the point he's like, I because I'm asking left, right, and center, what do you need? What do you need? What can I do? He's like, what I need you to do is just leave him alone right now. Time time out. You are overwhelming me Yep. With your desire to help. Yep. And I you know, personally, I think any good partner is gonna worry about that. How you react and what you do, we're all unique individuals.
But, you know, don't be surprised if a service submissive hell, even a service top. Somebody who, like, service is a part of who you are is not like, what do you need? What can I do? I wanna do all the things. Can I is is there anything I can get you? What is the thing with your wildest imagination? I will make it happen. Right? Because we wanna take care of the people we've been for. I wish. God. We would not have as many issues as we do now if I could do if I could do Genie. Good lord.
For other than that, the time I had surgery, which for me, I was very fortunate. Surgery went fine. They sent me home early. They were like, you're you're barely even taking the pain meds. It's like, you wanna go home? Yes. I do. I had to sit on the couch for, like, a week. That like, that's what I had to do. Oh, no. That's so hard for me. It was not. I just didn't react well to sitting still because I feel I'm I don't know. Is it generational? Is it gender? Is it I don't know.
I'm like, am I allowed to sit down? What is not being done if I'm sitting down? Am I a lazy waste of space if I'm not up and producing things like that? That. Right? But being the submissive, my job is to do what my daddy Dom tells me to do so he can be like all Domly on me, and I'd be like, okay, daddy. And, you know, whatever was happening in my head was separate from the way I needed to behave because the power exchange. That's why I had to say, baby girl, your task is to
sit on the sofa. I know. It is different when it's the Dom who's down for the count, temporarily or not, because depending on how you've negotiated your power exchange, they might not listen to you, even if you're trying to take care of them. And that is one of the downsides to power exchange from a submissive perspective.
Sometimes you're watching your dumb, be a dumbass and potentially hurt themselves more, prolong the agony, You know, do things that they know are gonna lead to a bad outcome and all you can do is go, okay. Right? Like, I can only tough love claws so much. Tough love claws only works if he's willing to listen to me and not and not override me. Right? It's not it's not a perfect tool. It's a tool that he has to be willing to to let happen. And there have been many times I'm like,
oh my god. He had a a thing happen the other day that we worried it was his back, and we think it was something else. He didn't wanna take pain meds. I'm like, my my dude, the muscle relaxers and the pain meds were prescribed for pain. How about if you're in excruciating pain? We use the medicine we've paid for and the doctor prescribed. I mean, it was 20 minutes. 20 minutes. Now did he eventually take it and then curl up and go to sleep for, like, 7
hours? Yes. He did. And when he woke up and was no longer groggy, I went, so taking the meds was a good idea because I am a I like to go, I was right. You were wrong. I'm not gonna win. I know. You that's what you love about me. The thing I have seen submissives talk about is that when they can't take care of their dom, if that's a part of your submission, or when their dom is out of commission and power exchange kinda just just dies Right? Like, it's almost nonexistent. Excuse
me. A lot of submissives will say, I don't feel submissive. I don't I don't feel like my submissive self because I'm not getting to do any of my submissive stuff. Or I have to take care of everything right now because my daughter's out of commission, and I'm I'm in charge of way too much. I don't even want to be in charge of this. Doesn't mean you're not willing to do it because we gotta, like, keep everything going as best as possible. That's I think it's a valid feeling.
I'm curious. The times when you could not especially injury illness kind of situation, when you were not doming anybody because you just had to recover, did it mess with your sense of self? A little bit. Yes. Because it's like, you know, for example, the best example I could give, was after the motorcycle accident. Oh my god. Yeah. Getting hit by a literal car. I I, you know, I pretty much was planted I couldn't even go to bed. I was pretty much planted on the You lived on
the sofa. Lived on the sofa. And, you know, I was I was so limited in what I could do Mhmm. Excuse me, That and maybe you felt this way too after your surgery, but I know for me, it was like sitting on the sidelines and watching everything just go by. Yeah, and not being in the mix with it, not being a part of it. Right. Yeah. Yeah. And that that was that was tough. Mhmm. Yeah. Because when you were first recovering, you know, I just had to
do shit and make it happen. And then I would come to you and I would tell you. Mhmm. But it was not a, hey, daddy. Do you wanna? It was, by the way, this has happened. Yeah. I'm keeping you informed because that feels right. Yeah. But, yeah, you have no direct, control over the outcome. No. I and and, you know, yeah, that that was hard for me, like I say, in in the fact that, you know, it it it's kinda like, you know, watching things just slide by.
When I was when I've been out of commission for anything, being sick Mhmm. When migraines used to get me, recovering from surgery, whatever whatever. I actually feel like I'm not doing enough, and I'm not taking care of things. So part of it is and we did an episode on this a while back on submissives having control issues, and some of us really do, and I do. There's in my head, there's a, quote, right way to do things,
and then that would be my way. Not because it is, like, the right way, but because it's the way I do it, and I know it works. And so having somebody else do a thing I do because I cannot, I'm physically unable to, it's can be kinda stressful. So, yeah, I kinda felt like the world was going on around me, but I also had this panic is too strong a word, but it's the closest I can get to this nervous feeling inside of,
but are they struggling with it? If I was doing it, they wouldn't have to struggle with it. They wouldn't have to worry about it. I would just do it. And, also, I would do it the way I like to do it. And I'm gonna come back to this when I recover, and it will not be in the state I would have left it in. And and I Wow. Yeah. Yeah. I I might have some control issues is all I'm saying.
So the injury illness thing 1 is in uniquely personal, like, because it depends on what what is the issue, how the duration, how you feel about it, how your partner hand like, oh my god. There's we can only ever talk about our own personal experiences. Mhmm. But you have you are not doing anything wrong as a dom or sub when your mind and or body just don't let you do what you wanna do. Right? That doesn't make you less of a dom or sub. It does not mean that you don't have real power exchange.
It's like everything else in life. We have to adjust and adapt to the circumstances we're in. Right? What can my body let me do? Mhmm. What will my brain let me do and accept? Now can those things change over time? Can you learn new things and find different adaptations and, you know, ways of thinking might change over time? Of core of course. That's true for all of us. I I don't I will not play the game of who's got it harder
because I don't nobody does. It's it's like the financial stress and the work and the it all sucks for all of us. But I know that when I talk to somebody who kind of accepts their body as it is and they know how to work with it, they talk about power exchange differently than people who are new to this, or Mhmm. They know it's temporary, but it's not moving fast enough or right? Like, they haven't adjusted to it yet.
And I and I sense grief and sadness from people with chronic conditions and disabilities, and I sense impatience and anger from people who for whom this is new and they hope or believe or know it's temporary. I don't know what to do with any of that. I'm just throwing it out there because if that resonates for you, just know you're not alone. Right? We are all one bad day away from disability. Right? 1 in 4 people in the US, at
least, are disabled in some way. If the zombie apocalypse ever happens and I break my glasses, just I'm gonna lean up against a tree. Somebody take me out because where am I going? Right? Where am I going without sight? I don't know. Not in the zombie apocalypse. I don't know. Right? So, you know, something can happen to any of us at any time that does not mean that you can't still have a satisfying power exchange. It does mean it won't look like whatever example you're trying to follow.
None of our power exchanges should look like any example we're trying to follow y'all. They're supposed to be negotiated for and tuned into who we are as individuals and a couple in this moment, which is why power exchange can and does and maybe ought to shift and change over time. You you change what you're doing because what you used to do no longer serves. What we did in power exchange power exchange in long distance relationship, it's not what we did when we
moved in. What we tried to do when we moved in together is not what we were doing 3 weeks later, quite frankly. No. But what we did in the early 2014 when we started living together is not what we do now. No. I imagine what we do 5 years from now won't be what we do now. We'll do some it'll it'll change just a little bit. Mhmm. Because life will bring the stressors and we'll adjust and adapt. Our bodies are changing. We're we're aging every moment. Aging is a privilege, but we are still aging.
Bodies fall apart. Right? So, you know, just because those things occur and maybe become a permanent part of life does not mean that power exchange is an impossibility. It just means maybe the power exchange that you did yesterday is not the one you'll do tomorrow. Yeah. Right. And and I think if I I had to add any one thing at this point, I would say, be careful of your expectations. Yeah. We've got an episode somewhere in the archive about managing expectations.
Where we talk about that. But, you know, in in all this, it it's it's a big thing, you know, because many of us find, this lifestyle, you know, through porn or, you know, places like Tumblr, this, that, and the other. And, you know, it's easy to get caught up in, like, you know, oh, this is gonna be wonderful all the time. This is what it's gonna be like. Mhmm. And and it's not. You know, it's not. So, you know, the fantasy, it's always nice to have the fantasy, but
get that reality check. Yeah. And also, when you get the reality check of a really hard day, oh, Onyx. Oh my god. I'm sorry. I just jumped because JB looked over my shoulder like he had seen a ghost. So I turn around like a dumbass because if there's a ghost behind me, I don't wanna know, really, frankly. And that's when Onyx jumps down and scared the shit out of me. She's a black cat, y'all. It's a little void just jumping out of a window. Anyway lordy.
So Goodness. The thing I think I was trying to say, because you know the train derailed. Right? Yeah. So, yes, I think you have to manage your expectations that the fantasy you have, I agree, is the reality is gonna be different. But the other thing is your worst day in power exchange does not mean that that's how it's going to be all the time either. It's true.
And it is easy to feel that way when you're in the depths of whatever the thing is that's going on, whether it's your health or it's money or it's a really bad moment in parenting and caregiving. It is easy to feel like this is all it's ever gonna be, and not necessarily. Yeah. And that that's an excellent point because, you know, just like anything else in life, you know, you have good days and bad days at work, you have good days and bad days with the kids.
Mhmm. Your your your DS isn't perfect. It's not gonna be perfect. And it's not a static thing. It's a very we call it dynamic. Fluid. It's it's a fluid thing, but we call it a power dynamic. Right? For different reasons, but think about it. It is dynamic. That means it can shift and change. All that matters is that the 2 of y'all are talking about it, and you find some sort of agreement with it. Right?
You figure out your unique Venn diagram of what you need, what they need, and then where it intersects, and you can do that thing for each other. Mhmm. But no no one power exchange is the model for them all. It's not. The way we do our power exchange, I know because god knows people like to tell me they could never. Well, then please don't. Figure out what works for you. Right. It means you're gonna do some stuff, and you're gonna go, oh, I thought that's what I
wanted, and I'm not. Right? You're gonna have to shift it. It also means that you're gonna set your your power change up based on the life you're living right at this moment, and that's gonna work until something in life changes temporarily or permanently. And you can keep trying to do the same thing even when life has fundamentally changed for you and make yourself crazy and miserable, or you can go, that's right. Kayla and JB said this is
normal, and this happens. And now we just have to have a conversation on how do we shift things. Yeah. Right? Changing things up is not a failure. Changing things up is reality. It's realistic. It's going, I know what I'd like it to be like, but this is what it actually is like. So how are we gonna navigate what it's actually like? And some for some folks, that's a day to day thing. What is my body allowing me to do today? Then this is what we'll do today.
For others, it's longer term. We go multiyear stretches, and nothing really shifts much in our our power exchange. And then we'll have a lot happen all at once, and we're shifting left and right. I don't like that. Shifting on the fly sometimes. Like a routine that I can trust in, follow, get comfortable with, and put it on autopilot. I just know what I need to do. There's a lot less anxiety in life when you know what you need to do every day. Unfortunately, the powers that be,
have not listened to me. Okay? I I I did ask if everything could just stay the same so I don't have to learn new routines and be uncomfortable, and I haven't managed to make that happen. Mhmm. Yeah. Yep. So, yeah, this is I don't I really don't have any useful advice other than get better at talking about shit as it's going on. Because for most people, it's not too much communication. It's not enough. Some people can over guess what? Hi. But but you didn't know I'm an overcommunicator.
Some people can't overcommunicate, or you can talk a topic to death until you're both just sick of it. Most of us aren't there yet. Most people are not there yet. You're not talking enough. But the only other thing I can tell you is that, yes, it will happen. I don't know what version of the life situation will hit you. Could be all of them at once. We've had that happen. Something's gonna get you. And you didn't do anything wrong. This is this is how this goes. This is how this goes. Mhmm. So
Are we, I don't know. This this one being my, like, the thing that I like, gets me means I can talk for literal hours. Mhmm. Of course. But I don't I shouldn't, and I don't I don't need to. So yeah. Okay. But, yes, I can just stop now. Okay. For any any of these particular no. This is information. For if any of these particular topics, parenting and caregiving, work, financial stress, health, if any of those, like, pique your interest, we have talked about these things in the
past. The links are in the places. You can hear more of our thoughts on that. Now Yeah. Just know that depending on how old it is, some of our opinions have have also shifted over time. Mhmm. But in general Yeah. That if nothing else, it's at least what we were going through at that time. So Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. K. So are we good? I don't know. Keep it kinky, y'all. And we'll see you next week. Dada. Yes, baby girl. Can we talk to the crickets? Yeah. Yeah. Burgess Meredith. What?
The Twilight Zone episode they were talking about. In live chat. Yeah. I Castle's Secret Life. I don't What? So I think I know which episode you're talking about, but go ahead. Yeah. Remind us. They they were talking about the episode where there's a nuclear apocalypse and this person, he's left alive and he gathers up all these books because everything gone, he doesn't have to worry about working or, you know, taking care, and all he wants to do is read.
And he gathers up all these books, and then his glasses break. That man was not holding that book close enough to his face. I'm assuming he was nearsighted. If he was far sighted No. We'd I'd be how far back can I go? I I I remember that episode myself. That was Burgess Meredith. I don't And that that has always been a fear for me. I'm You know that? I have no expectation of surviving the zombie apocalypse. I am one of those people that hopes I'm just taken
out in the first wave of it. I don't I don't want to live The Walking Dead life. Okay? I'm not cut out for surviving like that. I also don't want to become a zombie. So whatever it is, I it just needs to go ahead and take me out. That if that's how I go, that's how I go. I don't want to live in the aftermath of a zombie apocalypse. But yeah. I think I I think I remember watching that episode Mhmm. Because you I can kinda see it in
my head when you describe it. And the thing that always fucked me up about Twilight Zone episodes is some of the episodes just left me with this, like, like, this ache in my heart. Like, this if it didn't freak me out, it, like, it physically hurt. Like, oh oh god. Oh, new fear unlocked. I didn't know that was the thing I needed to be afraid of. And also that's That's what made the
show so good. The one I remember, and you and I have talked about this before, and I never remember the plot because I was, like, 8 and my dad was watching reruns, was the pick face one. That one freaked me the fuck out. All I know is it was medical professionals turning around to look at this person who's freaking out. You're like, what's it freaking out? And everybody's got a picky face. And I don't know anything beyond that. But that, I can close my eyes, and I can see that.
I don't know that impressionable young children who have an overactive imagination and take things literally Mhmm. Maybe maybe she shouldn't have been watching that. You know, the the to me, the the Twilight Zone was such a good show. Mhmm. And, you know, the the episodes, they they impacted you in in such a way and, you know, they they tried to recreate it. You know, they they after Rod Rod Serling died, they tried to bring the show back. It was never the same.
It it was not not the same. There was just something about the the original, you know. Yeah. It's can't be black and white, but it The storytelling was tight. The storytelling was, like, you were take and again, I'm truly remembering this from, like, being very young. Mhmm. But what I remember is what when something would happen, the end, it was tragic.
Yeah. It was ironic, and it was either it was when I think about the the one with the glasses, I think about the piggy face one even though I cannot remember the piggy face one. Something about it, when you found out that ending, it made sense. It clicked. Like, it might have been unexpected. I would not have thought that piggy face nurses were gonna look at the camera. But within the story, you went, this was clearly the only way this could have gone. Once
you see it and you like Mhmm. And that was that was tight storytelling that I I I don't know because I only remember just a couple of episodes, but I don't feel like it was sensationalized. And things that, like, especially like eighties, nineties today, all that, it's about the sensationalism of it. It's about the shock value. Yeah. And Twilight Zone was shocking, but it was shocking in a quiet way. You know what I
mean? It was like, did you just the glasses break, and anybody who can't see without their glasses is crying for that man. Right. The other one I remember is the, episode which William Shatner is on the plane Mhmm. And gremlins tearing the wing apart. I don't need another fear unlocked. Look. I was a kid with a very active imagination who took and I'm I don't know how much of this is just who I am and how much of it was little kidness. Yeah. Took everything literal. If if an adult told me,
it was gospel. That is that is how the world works. And so and then through a storytelling device. Oh my oh my god. No. Anyhoo. Anyway, miss Lola has finally calmed the hell down and gone to sleep. Yes. Do we know where Onyx went? She went back. Back in. See I don't I don't know. Maybe the door got pushed open. I don't know. I don't know. But her entrance scared me so much that I scared her, and that's why we did not have onyx rubbing up on our microphones. Mhmm. Mhmm. So
Lola's good. Onyx is well, I don't know. She might have thought she was having a heart attack time there for a second. She's good. Ella's good. Ella's good. My mom is in town. Mhmm. Not for, like, a visit. Like, it's fun, and we're gonna do stuff all the time. My okay. So my uncle had surgery. Yeah. And my aunt is disabled, and my uncle usually, like, drives, replaces, takes care of stuff. Right? So he's had surgery and is in the hospital. So my aunt needs help doing stuff. My
mom's like, I am retired. I will come. And then when he gets out of the hospital, he's gonna have some time. Then he needs to recover. He can't, like, do stuff as so she's like, I'm staying until they're good. I'm like, okay. So it's weird knowing, like, we're in the same time zone. We're in the same county where it's like Yeah. But I'm working, and she's, you know, she's taking care of things that need to be taken care of. But it is nice kinda having her in town.
So yeah. Like, when when she wants to chat with me or I wanna chat with her, we don't have to be like, where's your husband? Hers, my evil stepdad. She'd be just she'll be like, I'll just step out of the hospital room, like, when they're visiting or whatever and just call. And so that that's been kinda nice. And she's already I know she's gonna come over this weekend. Mhmm. Because so the rule is and I adore my mother. Okay?
The rule is for the 2 of us, if we are sharing the same living space 247, our max is 72 hours. Okay? If we're seeing one another, as long as we get some breaks and we don't do, like, 8 hour days every single solitary, we can we can go as long as we need to. I think the sisters have something similar because in a loving way, I think they're already driving each other crazy.
Yeah. Because there's certain things about them that are very similar, and then there are certain things about them that are, like, complete opposites. Right? Like, my mom needs to know what the plan is from moment to moment. And if you're not devising the plan, she will help you figure out what the plan is. My aunt is a little bit more of a a chaos goblin. She kinda wants the outline of a plan,
but she'll just wing it mostly. Right? That's the one thing she's gonna whatever the plan is, she's not worried about. These 2 are clashing in a loving way. They love one another, but I think they make each other crazy. So my mom has already been like, I'll see you this weekend. So, yeah. And, I know you would not be shocked that I'm not the only one in my family who talks this much. My mom is not the one. It's my aunt, and it comes as straight line down from my grandma.
I don't know of anything anybody beyond my before my grandmother, who was also, like, a nonstop talker. But my mother is not a nonstop talker. And my aunt tells she's the family historian. She remembers the stuff. She tells you the story. She like I think yeah. I'm I we'll see her this weekend. I told her though. I said, look. You can come to my house. I told her she didn't have to wait till the weekend.
I'm like, you can come to my house and just sit in silence, and I won't say a word to you until you talk to me first if that is what you need. I know how people like us are. Like, I know what we what us talkers can do to our loved ones who are not talkers. Mhmm. I also know as even though I am a talker, what it's like to be talked out like that. I love the oldest with every fiber of my being. But I have learned the art of going, mhmm. Yeah. Because sometimes he doesn't he don't really
want you to respond anyway. He just wants to think out loud. Mhmm. Cool. I'm glad you didn't need really need me here for this. It's fine. So but, yeah. So that's us. Yeah. I made my own throat hurt talking about this topic. You talked a lot. I always talked. But you had good things to say. I'll let others decide. But, yeah, this is just it's this is the un this today's whole this week's whole topic was the unsexy part of Power Yeah. It's the part where rubber meets the road. Mhmm.
So True. True. True. Oh, no. Onyx, please don't rub against the tripod. I'll get the camera. Let's see if I can get her up here. I was trying Oh, her little eyes. Really? No. She's not. Hi, Nix. Nope. Not for me. No. I tried, but maybe She loves you. If we can get her up here What'd she do? She tried climbing my leg. Well, I think she's still trying. I just saw her little ears.
Oh goodness. You know, she's gonna go rub on our cardboard boxes and probably dig in the trash can to find plastic to eat. Yeah. Yeah. God. Yeah. She is one of those cats where we go, stop eating plastic. Stop eating plastic. Right. So anyway Anyhoo. We, we're gonna go. Yeah. Yeah. Time to put her feet up for the night. Yeah. Mhmm. Yeah. Yep. Yeah. Yeah. I guess that's all I got. Just know, we are not the end all be all arbiters on these topics No. Because it is
a very unique thing. You have to find your own unique path forward. Right. But yeah. So yeah. I guess we're gonna go. Yep. And we will see y'all next week. Yep. Yep. Okay. Bye. Bye.