What to Watch Out for in New D/s Relationships | Back to Basics Series

You're listening to loving BDSM podcast, episode 4 12. Kayla Lourdes here with the one, the only, the if you could have seen what he was doing right before he hit record, I would not have the reputation as the silly one around here, John Brownstone. Were you trying to blow vape rings, like smoke rings? Is that what was happening? Or was it just a stem that felt good and you were like, I kinda like making this noise and doing this thing? Inquiring minds want to know. But that's not

why we're here today. But inquiring minds want to know. Or are you just gonna edge our audience? Is that what's happening? Gonna have to leave them wondering. And wanting more, like the sadist you are. Uh-huh. We're still

not even talking about that either, y'all. This week, we're continuing our back to basics series by talking about some things to watch out for in a new power exchange relationship, which also still come up in existing long term power exchange relationships because you kinda never get away from some of this stuff. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this is your first time listening, glad to have you. If you're back for another week, welcome back.

Loving BDSM is produced every Monday Friday for your kinky pleasure in education and show notes are found at lovingbdsm.net. Come back often and feel free to add the podcast to your favorite podcast app. You can also follow the show on FetLife at loving BDSM PC on Instagram and technically threads at that handle I will forever fucking hate with the passion of a 1,000 suns. Oh my god.

I hate it. It's loving d s and the number one at loving d s one or on YouTube at youtube.com/loving BDSM, where you can watch us live from the podcast every Wednesday. Did those words come out in the correct order? I don't know. All links are in the show notes. A big thanks as always to our kinky patrons over on Patreon, including our newest peeps. We are able to be weirdos on the Internet with microphones because of our Patreon community. Mhmm. And we are grateful for

every fucking one of you over there. Oh my god. You have no idea. If you would like to be part of our kinky community, and get access to extra content and a Discord server that you can't get access to any other way, you can do that. Just join us at patreon.com/ kayla lords. It's patreon.com/ kayla lords, or the link is in the show notes. Stone Cold Sober. And now the podcast audience is like, what the hell's going on over there? Right.

And they know they know nothing. Yeah. Well, even if you're strictly a podcast listener, the first, like, 7 or 8 minutes of any livestream, it's Chaos. It's something. And I'm having to reassure both everybody and myself that, no. Really, I'm sober. Okay. So, it's just a reminder since this is part of our back to basics series that if you are either new in power exchange or just wanna, like, work on some stuff in your power exchange, we do have workbooks on our Etsy shop.

30 days of DS is for absolute beginners, whether you're brand new to kink or it's a brand new Power Exchange relationship and you wanna, like, get yourself sorted on what you think about different kink concepts exchange. Then there's 30 Days of DS Volume 2 that is designed for people with kink experience and more than not than if you are in an established power change. Like, you can do it if you're single. There's nothing wrong with that.

But it is meant to be a how will we in this power exchange deal with these issues and think of these concepts. So just a reminder that that is a thing that you can do if you are, you know, listening or watching the, the series and, like, oh, yeah. There's still some stuff I gotta learn. Okay?

But as always, and this is especially true in this week's episode, but it's been true in all the episodes of this series, there's a ton of links to blog posts we've written, podcast episodes, videos if you're on YouTube, where you can, without having to pay anything, go figure out learn what we've said in the past about these subjects on a deeper level. So what are words I don't know? It's gonna be a rough one. I apologize now. Second announcement.

The day this podcast episode comes out for podcast listeners, But Friday, September 20th, I can't believe I remember those dates. There's a reason I remember them, but I still can't believe I remember them. 9:30 PM EST is our Friday night livestream, our virtual munch, our BDSM q and a. It's where we get random and chaotic kind of on purpose. And it's not on purpose like we have to try. It's more like we apologize less for it, and we don't worry about controlling the chaos so much.

The chaos is the point. It's on YouTube. The link will be in the show notes for the podcast episode. It'll, you know, get scheduled for, YouTube folks. Hopefully, notifications actually work and let you know. I put it in our weekly newsletter. Like, I try to make it so easy to come join us on our Friday night livestreams. So 9:30 PM EST, usually lasts until around midnight. Only time we've never not lasted till midnight was if one of us was not feeling well. So True. True. True. So knock on

wood that that is not an issue. Okay. All of that all of that chaotic gunk, now we can do the topic. So we broke up this discussion, things to watch out for when you're in a new power change or new to power exchange into 4 sections. And I've said it a couple of times. I wanna say it one more time. Caveat. This is not just for new folks. It's it will and can and will happen in

an established power exchange. But typically with an an established power exchange, you you've been through it at least once before, so it's not usually a surprise. It can be, but not usually. So hopefully this is a good reminder for folks who've been doing this a while, but if you're kinda new and you're still figuring this stuff out, let let this let us be the ones to go. No. No. No. If you end up going through this, that's totally normal. You didn't do anything wrong. This is how this goes.

As with all of these episodes, we're kind of giving higher overviews because we have talked about all of these topics in great detail over the past 4 previous 411 episodes, the minisodes, and our block. Okay? So for each of these, there are tons of links in the places if you wanna do a deeper dive and get more of our thoughts on it. Or if you're like, I don't even know what that concept really means. We've we've got you. Okay? The 4 we're gonna talk about and are these

the only things? Probably not. They're the 4 we're gonna talk about today. Frenzy, drop, assumptions, and triggers, which, like, the actual mental health term triggers, but also the less traumatic version that we call bad tapes. And if you're vaguely new here, you've probably heard us refer to bad tapes multiple times because it's an expression we use all the time. And then you're you're always been like, what the hell is a bad tape? Just so you know, the bad tape episode was episode a

101. Wow. So it's it's not in anybody's feed anymore. You can't get it anywhere but our website. So Wow. It's worth a conversation. Mhmm. But all the links to all the times and places we've talked about these topics, you can find them if you wanna do a deeper dive. So let's start with frenzy. And I purposefully did not just call this sub frenzy. Mhmm. Because It didn't go either way. Right. And it was less than a year ago, I think, maybe

a little bit longer. Somebody emailed in or was chatting with us or something, and they were like, I really think I went into dom frenzy, but I've never actually heard that term. And the moment they were describing what they were going through and the moment they used the term, I went, of course, that's a thing that we've you know, probably doesn't get clocked, might not get called that, can certainly manifest

in multiple ways. So we're not subfrenzy is what most people would be used to hearing about and experiencing, but just frenzy, that sort of excitement over getting to do the thing, the kink thing, the power exchange thing. And the excitement hits such a peak that people will make not great decisions. They'll be impulsive. They will

not listen to their own instincts. They will, you know, explain away to themselves, you know, why this person is actually a shitty human being, in the name of getting to finally do the kink thing. And I think most people with frenzy are probably gonna go through it before they negotiate the power exchange, but I absolutely think that it you can experience frenzy more than once as a kinkster because there's different things that can get you excited. There's Sure. The brand new person's

frenzy of, oh my god. I discovered this thing and I get to do it. True. True. Oh my god. Kit in a candy store. And I I would imagine too, and another case of that, would be, you know, someone who's on one side of the slash and then maybe decide, you know, their switch, and they're looking at a whole different thing, and they're just

Woo hoo. Exactly. Or you go from being a just you're a kinkster who's out there exploring your kinks, maybe you're doing some casual play, maybe you're just having some experiences. That's one kind of frenzy you might go through. And then you actually get in the power exchange relationship, and that could be another kind of frenzy

you experience. Now I would imagine for many people who might experience multiple frenzies, you probably recognize it faster, subsequent times it occurs, and can maybe manage it better, but not necessarily. Right? I don't know that we were I would have liked to have gone through a second frenzy when we went from being long distance to, in person. But the day we moved in, we had a stressful thing happen. Our AC

died because that's our relationship. From place to place we've ever lived, we're plagued with AC problems. We love living in Florida. It's great. Yeah. But, like, a a lot of the excitement of what we were gonna be doing kind of got sucked out of us with the heat. You know? Mhmm. Yeah. And then we got stressed about our own power exchange, and so we actually didn't get that second wind frenzy of excitement. But I, you know, I think it'll be more common for people

to experience frenzy with a new partner. You've kinda gotten to know one another. You know, you're negotiating this tentatively, and one or both of you is so excited that maybe you're not making the best decisions that you could be making. It's usually a lack of self preservation more than anything. It's not necessarily that the person is doing toxic things together. That's not frenzy. That's just, you know, some toxic abusive bullshit. Let's not give that a nice little name. That is

just bad shit. Yeah. It tends to be a sense of self preservation. They don't wanna use their safe word, not out of disappointment, but because they don't want the scene to be done. They don't wanna give up this opportunity. And not using your safe word because of that does not mean you're automatically in frenzy. It is like it's several things altogether, but that can be a sign. They don't wanna stop the scene even though they're, like, bleeding out on a table somewhere nonconsensually because

this is my chance to do this. Right? That sense of self preservation. They overlook, you know, their boundaries being violated. And sometimes it's the toxic stuff of the other person as a walking red flag. That's when we talk about the dangers of subfrenzy.

That's typically what we talk about. But it can also be less terrifying than that, but still just as serious where they're not standing firm in their own limits and they're agreeing to do things and saying that they agree to do things with a a a willing partner that they don't actually wanna do. Lola agrees. Lola agrees. As usual, she knows. I'm trying to decide. Does she give top energy? I don't know. Anyway, I've anthropomorphized her enough. We don't have to

go there. No. But, you know, you can sometimes agree to do a thing that and this is the Lola showdown. Yep. Oh my god. Y'all, she is sitting next to JB, but not looking at him. No. Do we wanna try to Yeah. Pick her? Nobody's touching her, y'all. She's she's just laying on the floor where she was sleeping. Are we sure she's not part husky? What the hell?

Okay. You're okay. You're okay. My whole point is that sometimes a partner will suggest something that's they're not doing it out of out of, an abusive nature or toxic nature because they're a red flag. There's a thing they want. And the other partner in frenzy might be so excited at the thought that they don't just stop and say, actually, I'm not interested in that. So that is a thing that can occur.

There we go. We had podcast listeners. Just be grateful we are still old school, the and it's just still audio. Good lord. What would you, not Lola, have to say about frenzy? And especially at the beginning of a power exchange or a new power exchange? Yeah. You know, I I think frenzy ties in very well with new relationship energy. Yes. Okay. Yes. I I think there is a a good, you know Mhmm. The the 2 of them overlap, and there's a definite correlation.

Yeah. I I agree with that. Especially, if you're in a you're you're somebody with a you're a kinkster with experience. Right? And you're like, I've had my frenzy moment. I lost my damn mind 5 years ago. But that new relationship energy, you might not clock what you're experiencing necessarily as frenzy because it's maybe not as, like, intense as it was the first time around. But I think that's where things like not just going, hey. I'm I'm glad you like that idea, but I'm not down for it.

Right? Or not wanting to stop a scene. Again, that's different than not wanting to stop a scene because you don't wanna disappoint a partner. That's another thing to to that you have to deal with Yeah. In kink and power exchange. But more so the, I don't this is our only chance. This is my only time.

You know, those kinds of things. And that's a that phenomenon that's not initially automatically part of frenzy can happen to you in an established relationship where you know better, and you're like, but this is our one damn night to get to do this. Right? Mhmm. So, the other time, you know, talking about that frenzy can happen even in established relationships. You know, you pointed out you're you've been in one role and now you're exploring what an the other side of the

slash means. That absolutely can be a way. If you are in a nonmonogamous relationship and you meet a new person that you're, again, going through new relationship energy with, you might experience a bit of frenzy. When we talk about frenzy, we always, always, always talk about sub frenzy, but the idea of dom or top frenzy, do you have any memories from multiple decades ago of having experienced that? Have you experienced something like that with new partners? Like, does

that resonate with you at all? It it does. You know, thinking back on it, yeah, I can see where I had, What what do you remember? Not very much at this point. You know, but, yeah, it was it was there. Did you make questionable partner decisions because of it? That's what subs often do. But doms aren't immune to picking the wrong one. Yeah. I don't think so. For me, it was more like I wanted to be involved in everything. You were going to everything, doing everything, taking

every class. If it was going, I was there. So you had FOMO too, probably. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I see. And that's the thing. Frenzy can can present in a in so many ways. It just I, personally, I think that the overarching definition is overzealousness and making decisions that are not always in your best interest. I'm pretty sure there were times you spent money or lost sleep when what you really needed to do was take your ass to the house. Right? Pretty much. Pretty

much. Yeah. Yeah. I think the time to be worried about truly be worried about frenzy is if you are not paying attention to others' red flags or if you are pushing up against other people's boundaries and limits in your excitement. Right? Like, if you're just, you know, not you can be as excited as you wanna be, and please please be excited. This is meant to be fun. But it's when you start, like, stepping on other people's toes about it that that's when we're in you know? Yeah.

I god. I've I feel so old. I'm trying to remember if I had frenzy with you, like, true frenzy. Because I I definitely had sub frenzy with the previous partner. And then when you and I met, I was still, like, broken heart, mourning the loss of something that really never was. Yep. And so we went really, really super slow. So I don't feel like I ever had I think the closest we came was the first time we were physically in each other's presence.

Yes. And I think we both experienced a type of frenzy because, I mean, you had before you walked in the door, we were in a scene. You just didn't know it yet. I was surprising you. That's true. That's true. But we immediately, like, said hi, kinda went, oh, yeah. You're you. And then went right into a scene, and you went real hard, real fast. I got Whoo. Yeah. You you were exuberant. It was all that road time I was in.

And I safe worded. But I mean, our I don't wanna classify the excitement that long distance relationships, people in long distance relationships get to feel when they're finally together as frenzy because I don't think that's fair to anybody. Because every visit we had up until we were starting to plan the the move really as as long as we were kid free was just wall to wall fuckery. Like, that's just what

we did. But that first time was super intense because we'd had all that build up and there was all of that uncertainty that were, was this real? Were we really compatible? And then we certainly were. And then we were super excited. Yeah. I think the the thing that would delineate it in my mind from what I consider frenzy is that we did play safely and we did care about each other's boundaries and we used our safe words and And that's and

that's a big thing, you know. You you can be in frenzy, but, you know, as long as you each other respects their boundaries, you know, and and, you know, you you can get you'll get through it. Oh, yeah. For sure. Because we're going to, in some future week, do an episode on an expression, another kinkster used that I have fallen in love with, old relationship energy, because that's a thing.

But, you know, to watch out for it as part of a new power exchange is not to not want each other to be excited and to be bouncing off the walls with the the kink energy. Like, that's not it. It's to watch out for yourself and your partner making decisions that are against their best interest or your best interest. It's the boundary, you know, overstepping. It's the not using a safe word when they really ought to use a safe word. It's, you know, saying yes to things that they don't real you know,

you don't really want. Those are the things to watch out for because those things can unintentionally lead to long term harm, whether that's a thing we'll talk about, later, a bad tape, or it's actual physical harm. So you just you do need to to be aware that it I don't care if y'all have been together 6 months, a year. That moving in part could create frenzy. Doing a new kink thing could create a sense of frenzy. So it really is just, you know, watching out for for whether you're

playing safely within all of that. Mhmm. And now she's at the door like she wants to go into another room. Okay. Let me see if she does want to. Yeah. You do that and because, folks have been commenting in live chat. I'm sure podcast listeners might be interested too. She actually was wide awake when she started all that crying. She just decided something. She wasn't getting mom, looking at JB and just crying. Calmly, like her voice was not calm, but

her body language was super calm. I don't know what all of that was. That is, the way Lola cries when she does not think we're paying enough attention. That's the cry we get if she is outside and wants to come in and you did not open the door before she knew she wanted to come in. You know what I'm saying? She's she's been doing that a lot, lately because her and I, we have been walking fairly steadily. And last night, we did not walk because my back was bothering me. Mhmm. Mhmm. And tonight,

obviously, I'm here with y'all. And Oh, and tomorrow she won't get one either. Oh boy. So yeah, and the thing is, if I don't W A L K her, Yeah. She gets upset, and she does that. And she does that to get attention. If if she's not gonna be walked, she's gonna get attention, and then You're gonna know that she's dissatisfied with your service. Right. Okay. Yep. So No. Do you have anything else you would like to add to frenzy? Okay. Nope. That's a good segue then. We're gonna go into drop.

Sub drop, dom drop. We I did not realize how much we've talked about drop over the years. And, actually, we spent more time on dom drop than sub drop. Because most people talk about Sub drop. Sub drop. And and, you know, not the fact that it does happen to doms. I remember the first time it happened to me. Oh my god, it was horrid. Because you didn't know what it was. You didn't know what it was. I almost felt, the the best way to describe it was

almost flu like. Yes, my first experience with drop, I felt like I had was getting flu. It it it was absolutely horrible and and had no idea what was going on. Yeah. You think you're going crazy. You think, like, am I dying? Do I need to make a doctor's appointment? So for anybody who's like, what the fuck is drop? Drop is the low from the high of having to gotten a kink scene. People get it after going to kinky conventions. We would get it after every visit when he would come or I would go to

him. We'd get a weekend, a week, whatever together. We'd live our best power exchange kinky fuckery lives for a few days. Then we'd have to go back to being long distance again and there would be a drop. It's very It's most commonly talked about after a scene. And it's most, most commonly talked about as the opposite of subspace or topspace, domspace. But it's, you know, you get that high or that floaty feeling, or for you it's like really focused feeling, like however your

space feels. Yep. And what goes up must come down. And so the the down is drop. My experience has been, especially since I don't go into subspace very often anymore, it's been a hot minute since I've really been in subspace. But I And we haven't played that intensely either. True. But even when we were, you know, it was one of those things we were fitting in our play in between other things, and

so whatever. Mhmm. But, you know, we've experienced it after we've gotten, like, really intense moments that weren't a scene, or I wasn't in subspace, but we just had a really good time being kinky together. Whether that was actual kink scenes or it was just really swimming in our power exchange for a day or 2, going to kinky conventions where you can just be a kinkster for some amount of time, and then that's the the life you get to live and and the rest of your life kinda falls away.

I don't I don't care how long you've been together. I don't care how, much kink you did together before you got into a power exchange or drop can still happen. I think it is probably less frequent as a relationship goes on, but not necessarily. I mean, everybody's

different. So your brain chemistry is different. You're gonna react differently to all this you know, the thing that wouldn't send me into subspace and then have me drop could be the thing that absolutely does for you even though you've been doing this for 20 years. Right? Like, that that's a very individualistic thing, which is why you still need to watch out for it. You've negotiated your power

exchange. Maybe you're living together. Hell, maybe you're fucking married and you're raising kids or Mhmm. Taking care of parents and got 30 jobs and no days off, and you can still go in the fucking drop. It doesn't it doesn't necessarily go away just because you become an an old boring couple like us. Like, it and that's why it's something to be thinking about and to just be aware of. I wouldn't worry about

it unless your drop is debilitating. If your drop is debilitating and you literally are not gonna function for a few days, you're gonna have to be more mindful than those of us who just, you know, need some extra sleep and get a little get a little cranky. I I have this bad tendency when my, like, when my mental health tanks, I either get super quiet and have not a fucking thing to say to anybody, or if you're gonna make me talk to somebody,

I'm a be pissy about it. And, you know, you're not living your best miss of life if you're snapping at your daddy dom because you're over slash understimulated. I mean you know? So, when was the last time you remember experiencing drop? Drop? I mean, we've been together long enough. I'm sure it's happened since we've been together. Yeah. Yeah. And it's it's been a while. Mhmm. It it has been a while. I would say probably prior to when we moved here to Ocala. We had so much more fuckery in our

lives before we moved here. Yeah. We have and I don't regret moving here. No. Not at all. There are many good things in our life that have occurred because we We are we we are where we are. But it's a give and take. Mhmm. And we gave up so much fuckery. We we did. We just didn't know it at the time that we'll Well, I mean, it it was a comedy of errors after that because the the rental house, the boys were right across the hall from us. I know. You know?

We were getting a bit of fuckery once we moved here, but we had lived here a very short amount of time when our bottom fell out and, like, life got chaotic. Yeah. And we're, yeah, we're still in recovery from that. So, yeah, it's it's just it's just funny to me. It's just funny to me. Like, there's okay. I can say this because I'm not in it right now. I probably would feel differently if I was in

the middle of drop. But there is a part of me that's like, could we have something intense enough that I please get to experience drop again? I would not be mad. Yeah. Well, same. You know? Yeah. Because it's a it's a little bit frustrating because most of the time, if you're going through drop, it's because you had a good damn time a few days before. So it's like a give and take thing. Just real quick for anybody who has not listened to the 85,000,000 times we've talked about drop.

Everybody does experience it differently. Yes. I have had 3 types of experiences. 1 was flu like symptoms. I literally thought I was getting sick. I almost went to urgent care. I've had the the mental health every I'm fuzzy. I'm my mood is low. It's, feels a bit like depression. Maybe it would it would be classified as that. I don't know. And then my 3rd is a combo of those where my body is miserable and my my head is not in a good position. Well, I mean,

you think about it. You know, when you're when you do a scene, it releases all those feel good chemicals into your body. You know? You you got adrenaline. You got, what, dopamine and Endorphins. Endorphins and all this stuff raging through the body and, you know, you're you're like, yeah. Bring it. And, yep. When all that goes away Mhmm. Because that that's all been shoring you up and, you know Right. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I've yeah. So if you thought, oh, we got past new

relationship energy. Oh, we've kind of settled into our power exchange that we just negotiated. Drop's not a thing I gotta worry about. It can still happen. I you know, I think there's it it depends on a million factors, but I know from our experience and then I've had conversations with other people who've had similar experiences, so I know it's not just us.

The comfort of knowing now that the day after a scene, 2 days after a scene, whatever whatever might send me into drop, that my person is right there decreases the drop for me. Like, I might still feel a little low. I surely might still have body aches because, I mean, when we get to play, it does tend to be very intense physically. Mhmm. But it's not as bad as when we were long distance, and we also had to contend with the drop of we are not

physically together anymore. When you do get to be together in your drop, you get to lean on one another. You have to process together. You get to you're not alone. You're not going, am I crazy? Like, you get to be crazy together. You know? And and you know one of the things you know, yeah, having having that, you know, if you're somebody that does, pickup play, you know, you may need to include that in your negotiations. If I if I start to drop, can I call you? Can we can we talk

or text her? Check-in with each other a day or 2 after. Because some people don't experience it the immediate day after. It can be a day or 2 after their scene or their moment or whatever. That if if the person is unable to provide any kind of aftercare like that, then, you know, what friends do you have in the community, you know, that that you can call them and talk to them or, you know, go hang out with with some friends and, you know, to to kinda alleviate it. Mhmm.

Which it's you know, we get back to you you're in a new power exchange. Ideally, you have one another. But if your power exchange is long distance or you just don't live together Right. Then you'll have to find other ways to work around that. But having somebody that you can just talk to and be with and whatever you are comfortable with and want in that moment like, some people want to be the fuck by themselves. They just wanna curl up in their bed and rot and I fair. That's fine. But,

yeah. The other thing, and we we did a whole episode on this too, we have never figured out a way to prevent drop. I've never heard of anybody with a credible way to prevent drop. I don't think you can prevent it. I think you can mitigate it. I think you can be aware of it, and so it's less disturbing to you when it happens because you at least know what the hell's happening to you. You can have your support system. You

can hopefully have your partner. Mhmm. But I don't, you know, I think it can decrease over time. We do a lot less intense things, so therefore, I don't have opportunities to go into drop, so therefore, I don't go into drop very often. You know, there's that too. Anything else you wanna say about drop? I think we're good there. Number 3. You can drop the subject. You're so funny. Number 3. You're gonna have to look out for

assumptions being made. Yep. And that that is so nuanced and can mean so many different things. We did I don't think I linked it. I'll have to add it. As a submissive, I do I like to do, when I can, something called anticipatory submission, where I'm anticipating JB's needs and trying to fill them. Now 95% of the time, I get that right. But man, that 5% where I get it wrong. I've made it right. That's the time you can make assumptions about what your partner wants, about what they

need and be very very wrong. Now, you know, another thing that I want to add about this, a number of years ago, I came across a thing and it was actually for for a, a rope scene. And the the person who was doing this, and this was the first time I had ever seen anyone do this, in the negotiations they actually asked the person, the the top asked the the rope bottom, what are your expectations of the scene? You know, and at the very first I thought that's an odd question.

But after I had kind of time to process it and think about it, it's like, no, that's actually pretty good because each person could be coming in with different expectations, different assumptions. Right, about what the other person wants. About what the other person wants. Based on what they want. Right. Right. Right. You know? And so so yeah. It it it actually helps, you know, alleviate that. Mhmm. Mhmm. Yeah. There's gonna be assumptions that are gonna be made on, well, we we negotiated

that 6 months ago. They probably still want that. If I'll say this. If it's something you do on a day to day basis, you or you're you that's a thing you're interacting with with one another on a consistent basis, maybe not daily, but consistently, you until your partner tells you otherwise or you get a signal of some sort, you can assume it's still the same. Right? But if you negotiated it 6 months, a year ago, 3 months ago, and it's never been mentioned again, do not assume it's

still on the table. Do not assume that's what you still want. Mhmm. A check-in is the easiest thing you can literally do. Hey. Are we still good with Yeah. Hey. How do you feel about Because, you know, that's another thing. Yeah, that's a very good point you brought up because consent is not one and done. Right. You know, it is ongoing. It's a fluid thing. Mhmm. So, yeah, and that, you start assuming stuff when it comes to consent. Right.

Yeah. Not good. And the the biggest mistake I tend to see people make is, well, we negotiate this is in our contract. Well, how long ago, Joel? Talk about that contract. When was the last time you actually looked at that contract and talked about it with one another? You having a conversation in your head about what you think your partner would say is not the same as direct and clear communication.

One assumption that will get a lot of people who, both in vanilla relationships that transitioned to power exchange and folks who are, like, shiny new and everything has been vanilla and don't have the communication skills yet. You'll get there. They should just know. That's an assumption. You are assuming that because what your mind waves went out into the ether in a certain formation that your partner

I mean, what? And I say this as a person who spent every vanilla relationship I've ever had with some version of the thought, well, he should just know. My communication skills were piss poor. Okay? And very early days of DS and prior. Mhmm. There is no they should just know. They Yep. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Are there things that you would hope that after 5, 10, 15, 20 months or years together that your partner could infer?

Yes. And can you reasonably expect, if they are confused, that they should check-in? Yes. I think that's a reasonable expectation. I also think you have to set that expectation. You have to have the conversation of, hey, when in doubt, ask. Right? You shouldn't have to. 1 would think we're all adults here. Sometimes people need it, like, said straightforward to them. But we can't be walking around going, well, they should just know. They should just know. How? How?

How is JV supposed to just know that I've got a migraine and so therefore cannot fulfill my tasks as his submissive? Now let me tell you. As a probably spoiled rotten, but not in the way like, with material things. Spoiled rotten only child. I absolutely have a bit of main character energy at times with JB. I we can have a conversation about my main character energy in this in the podcast. That's a different conversation.

So I do sometimes walk around going, well, clearly, the expression on my face, the body language, and the deep sighs should make it clear that something is wrong. And, yeah, if JB is, like, not in his own head about something, he might go, hey. Are you okay? Is everything okay? And I appreciate it when he asks. It's nice to be seen. Right? And I like to make sure I am seen often. Thank you very much. So I walk around with

lots of size. But I am a grown ass woman, and it is my adult responsibility. Mhmm. Especially, like, in our power exchange where I have agreed to do things to go, hey. I feel like absolute dog shit right now. I know you haven't noticed because you too feel like absolute dog shit. But I need you to notice for like 30 seconds, hey, I'm not gonna I don't think I can do that thing that Mhmm. You know, I always do. Right? Like, there's no uh-uh. Uh-uh. We're not gonna make those assumptions.

I'm gonna I'm gonna give you y'all a little insight here. Oh, Lord. Okay? You know, she's talking about her size and and knowing, you know, should know something. Kayla and I have desks within a few feet of each other. Close. Very close. Now I actually do sit with my back to her the way my desk is set, but, throughout the course of any given time, sitting at my desk when she's at her computer, I will hear Sometimes I'm just breathing, but I don't know. And if I asked every time she sighs,

I could that could be my job. That's Yeah. I really do. That would be my job. Walk around sighing. She she for her, the sigh is a natural thing. Yeah. Apparently it can be a stim and there's something else it can be. I am there. Yeah. Sometimes I forget to breathe and I hold my breath and so then I have to sigh sigh to catch back up. So, you know I'm sure there's something else to talk to with a therapist. There there's no way I could know. Without you know, and the thing is is oh,

go ahead. And and in the beginning, I did use You did, and it got so annoying. I'm like, I'm fine. I'm just over here breathing. So I I got to the point where now, anytime she sighs, I just take it as as her sighing, and that's I really do be sighing a lot. It's real bad. I don't even notice it half the time. Or I'm actually I'm just taking a deep breath, and it comes out because I've been holding my breath accidentally,

and it cuts out as a sigh. But, you know, the the thing is, I think it's okay to want your partner to be paying enough attention to you Yeah. To ask the questions of, are you okay? Is everything okay? You seem a little that's fair. I want that, and I get that. I can I can confidently say nobody should making assumptions because I also don't have to worry about having a partner that is paying so little attention to me or has done no made no effort to learn my cues and signals

that, you know, he asked? So I Mhmm. You know, I also know that I'm free to tell him. And I also know that when there are times when I'm struggling to say something, it might take him a minute, but he will notice something's often asked. It's not an either or. It's a both and. Right? Mhmm. If the if you are still carrying that bad communication habit of they should just know because something to you feels like common knowledge. Common knowledge is not always

common. It really is not. There's no really no common sense either because everybody has their own life experience, their own wiring, their own way of moving through the world. So sometimes we have to we have to teach people how to treat us. I mean, you know, they're oh, Jesus. Nope. I didn't You know, the the the whole thing of of you should know on either on either side, it it's it's it's unrealistic. It's it's actually toxic Yeah. Absolutely. Yes. In a lot of ways.

Yes. You know, the way that Long term and overtime? Mhmm. Yes. You know, I mean, yes. Can I can I tell, you know, after we've been together, you know, how many years? Yes. I pretty much know the difference between her sitting at her desk size. My breathing. Yeah. And and some other size? Yes. Am I a 100% right over you every time? No. But I I, you know But we also have that freedom because he knows if it's bad enough, I am better now than I was early days. I'll say something. I'm gonna say,

my head is killing me. I'm gonna say, I feel like shit today. I'm I'm gonna say those things. Yeah. Because I don't have the expectation that me walking around looking miserable means he's gonna pick up on the signal that I'm miserable and should be let out of my tasks for the night. Quite frankly, I'm the type who's like, I could still do it as, you know, my eyesight is blurry and I'm stumbling around, and I'm clutching my head. No. No. I'm

fine. Oh, I just my arm fell off in the kitchen there, and I'm dragging my corpse like body behind me. I can do it. Like, I'm more that type. Yeah. I I mean, you know, to to in in whatever you had, you gave it to me now. I know. It's a bad one. I'm so sorry, y'all. You know, it in in the in our lifestyle, making assumptions and and not explaining how how, you know, what's really going on, it's bad. It could even be dangerous. Absolutely. You know, and

Until people get hurt. Yeah. So, you know, never ever assume or think you, you know, the other person knows. You need to have talk. You need to talk. Right. You need to tell the other person. Use your grown up words. Yeah. And we've talked about this many times, and I always like to to reiterate this. It's not always verbalizing, vocally saying the words. Sometimes it's too difficult. It's a text. It's a voice message because you can say it as long as you're

not looking at them. Sometimes it's an email. Sometimes it's just a sticky note on the refrigerator. Whatever you gotta fucking do to get the information out of your brain and into their brain so that they know what's going on with you, you find a way to do it. And if you've got a partner who does not give to Fox about knowing what's going on with you, that is information you need to take within and do some deep thinking about because that's very telling.

Especially when we're talking about negotiated power exchange relations where we're trying to have this dynamic. And that doesn't mean that it's romantic or sexual or you're about to get

married and spend 50 years together. But that negotiated power exchange where you your 2 people who are depending on one another for your roles in some way, each side of the slash should give a fuck what's going on with the other one, especially what's gonna interfere with your relationship, your power exchange, your day to day life, however you've, you know, you're set up, whatever you're doing. Yeah. Dom's, you should not be making assumptions

either. Mm-mm. They should just know I want this done. The fuck? Did you use your big kid words and say this shit? Come on now. I'm a said big boy and I was like, no. That's an assumption. No. I mean Yeah. All doms of all genders can be shitty at communication. We're we're not You're not perfect. I know. We're not perfect and none of us are born with the, you know, ability to communicate. It's a skill. Yeah. It's a skill. It's a skill. It's

a muscle that you need to exercise. And based on how you were raised, the life experiences you have, the things we'll talk about in this the next section coming up, the bad tapes, the triggers, that can make it more difficult to do. That can mean it takes you more effort to do it. It takes you longer to learn the skills and to unlearn the shit you went through and to work through all of that. But that does not mean you get to abdicate the responsibility

of working on your shit. Right? Like, yeah, people did shit to you and they suck. You're living in the here and now with this other person and you are responsible for how you handle yourself. And it's gonna be rough until it's not. It's gonna kinda suck and be stressful and scary and hard until it's not. And that until that length of time is dependent on things that almost nobody can control because it's the type of partner you have. It's the skills they have.

I, once I felt safe, JB learned that I will really tell you everything. And that's wrong. Right. But what that by me strengthening communication skills that I had, I was just, I'd had it kind of like pushed out of me and I never felt safe using them. Once I felt safe, I got strong enough to pull it out of him. I'll be the first one to stand toe to toe with him and call him on his bullshit. I know something's going on with you, and

it's impacting us. So you don't get to just sit over there by yourself with it anymore. When it's not impacting us and you need to process and, you know, that's different. But it's now affecting the us over here. We're gonna talk about it. I can do that because we trust one another. Mhmm. I worked on my communication skills, and I have dragged this man along. Okay?

He was really from from the beginning, he was really good at communicating power exchange and consent and checking in with me and keeping us as safe as possible. But when it comes to his own feelings, we're still working on that. Yeah. And we've been together how long? Mhmm. So it's gonna take the amount of time it takes, but you don't get to, like, just throw your hands up and go, not my responsibility. Look how many years I

have to unlearn. True. Exactly. Yeah. Which leads, if you don't have anything else you wanna talk about, with assumptions right into our final topic, which is the biggest, baddest. It's usually the toughest. It is the thing that will fuck up your assumptions. It might fuck up your frenzy. It'll it can fuck up your mind. It'll fuck up everything. It'll stuff. Fuck up a scene. We've been there too. So there's triggers in the psychological

sense of triggers. Yes. And then there's what we call bad tapes. So triggers are the things that when they occur, they bring you back usually, like, a PTSD kind of thing. They bring you back to a moment in time where you were traumatized, and it's like you're in that moment again. I get that with loud voices and yelling. It's yelling and anger specifically, but on a bad day, just a loud voice will be enough, and I'm like, I'm not functioning well. Bad tapes is an expression that JB taught

me. So please, JB, explain what a bad tape is. We do have an episode on it. Yeah. God, it's been a while. A bad tape is is something that you have learned that then becomes hard coded in your memory, your core of of who you are and then unfortunately turns out to not be a good thing that can cause you problems later on. Mhmm. Alright? I had pretty big share of bad tapes when came into Lord, I've been trying to be kind of rewind on those bad tapes Yep. Since day 1. Yeah.

You know, the bad tapes are are are one thing, you know, yeah, they're the the thing with the bad tapes is they can be erased and overwritten. Mhmm. Takes a while though. Takes a while. The bad tapes you experienced that you and I have we still sometimes are working through it. Mhmm. 1 was financial. He had gone through some stuff in a previous relationship. And when it felt like this felt similar to what he'd gone through, he would react as if he was it's a little bit

like a trigger in that sense. You you're like, oh, I'm back here again. I know what you're gonna do because I know what they did. And I had to go And it was because in in that in that past relationship, when had financial problem, partner came and said, well, you know, it's all on you. You fig you you figure it out. Can I tell you that now that was that's been fascinating? So I we're we don't like that person for many

reasons, and that's one of them. But, the strangeness of we were going through I think it was the 1st financial bullshit we went through. Mhmm. And I was like, okay. So what are we gonna do about it? And he he went, we? I'm like, yeah? Partnership? Team? Married? Like, what the fuck? Yeah. We. What are we gonna do about this? We need

to sit down and figure this out. And it's heartbreaking when a person you love and adore says thanks you, Literally said thank you to me for doing what is the the basics of, like, decent relationshiping. Right? Like, I'm his fucking partner. I like to eat too. Anybody with eyes can tell. I will help you fix this. We will figure this out together. Now, one of the things you always call bad tapes, we're not going to go into details because that's his personal business, I think is a trigger.

So same relationship, parenting step stepchildren, shit went down. We're not talking about it. The moment the oldest, the now 19 year old child in college living on his own as a fully functioning, mostly healthy young adult, when that child hit his teens, I know why some animals eat their young. This loving, kind, decent man was and I do mean I think you were triggered.

And it we had to all go through that together where I was the I don't like being the mediator between them, but I was you were if it's what you the time I'm thinking about There were many times. Well, they're the one in particular, but yeah. But what we, again, did together Yeah. For him to work through that was he had to unlearn some stuff. He had to see that I was not like a previous partner. He had to experience what it meant to deal with that child who was not

these other people from his past. And that is a process that you can't skip over, go around, go under, go you're going through it. And it was it was hard for everybody. Yeah. The the thing that has been really gratifying is that you made it through that. You're a better parent for it. You have a good relationship with the oldest, and this is my favorite part, when you can learn new things and actually, like, have it stick. Yeah. It's made you a better parent for the youngest. Youngest. Yeah.

So, you know, those and the thing is with bad tapes and triggers, they're not gonna be power exchange specific necessarily. They can be. There is abuse, and there are Mhmm. Traumas that occur in power exchange that if you choose to do power exchange again, you're gonna carry with you, and that's gonna have to be worked through in some way. But it's just the

the stuff of living. Like, it's and you're gonna have to deal with it, and it's gonna get in the way sometimes of power exchange when he so and and I do not use the term lightly. It yelling in anger is a trigger. Not every time, but man, when it is, it's bad. So it was an absolute delight to realize that Italian families stereotypically and in the most cliche sense, yell at one another and call it love. The first time I walked into Just speak loud. No. It's aggressive. Okay?

As a person who hates conflict and confrontation, who is very upset by loud angry voices, that is aggressive. I don't always know the difference between aggressive and anger. So that was my dad. It was very stressful to go to that part of your family and just be there. You experienced that a yeah. 1 yeah. And that was not anybody's problem. That was my own problem. I have to handle it myself. I gotta deal with it. My you know, I gotta figure my way out

through it. But the first time we were living together, but it had to have been fairly early days because we've fought like regular people fight. Rarely, but we've we've had bad ones. Yeah. The first I don't remember what it was about. The first real bad fight we ever had, you yelled. You would have probably told me you were speaking Italian in a loving way. Italianese. But I know what being yelled at feels like, and I lost my shit. It it did not go over to hell.

Everybody handles their own thing in their own way, and there are times when I get upset, whether it's a bad tape or an actual, psychologically speaking, trigger, I shut down, just complete shut down. Speaking, trigger, I shut down. Just complete shutdown. Sometimes I melt down. And I forgot I probably forgot my own name, but I certainly forgot I was a submissive.

And I that was screaming. That was unhinged if you walked into it with no context and didn't know what I was going through, and JB did not know what I was going through. Mhmm. I was screaming. And was I proud of it? No. Did I have to apologize for it later? Yes. But did we also, once we got through that moment and the apologies were made and we were back on an even keel, we had worked through that moment. Did we have to sit down and for me to go, oh, yeah. I I thought that I was over this.

I thought we would never fight like this. I didn't imagine that you would do a thing that could trigger me because new relationship energy will lie to you. Yep. Yeah. And if you are the type of people who don't really argue much or you certainly don't get into air quote fights with a partner, you might not notice certain things right away because they're just not happening. Right? I've created a life for myself that it I tend to keep it low key, low conflict, low confrontation.

I just like it that way. So I'm not gonna have a partner who's picking fights all day long because no. Thank you. Okay? That is not the exposure therapy I'm going through. So for us to finally, after all this time, we had disagreements. We had tiffs. But to have like a yelling match where he was so pissed, he was actually actually yelling. And I had that moment, you know, that was a big deal but it wasn't

something I could prepare for. And I did not had had I didn't understand until that moment because of the things I'd been learning about and, you know, information I've been taking in, what was even happening. But the moment it happened with him and then I had to I I I understood what I was going through. I realized I could think back to all the times that had happened in the past Mhmm. Because it's so out of character the way I act Yeah. When that happens to me. The shutdown's real not

strange to anybody else. Oh. Yeah. BG just got real fucking quiet and is not looking at anybody and has gone into a dark room by herself. Okay. Houston, we have a problem. But but okay. BG is screaming like a maniac, like frothing at mouth screaming something, is wrong. And that's really rare for me. And it's a thing that now I think in all the years we've been together, I think, twice, maybe, maybe times. And they were like the worst fights we'd ever had, where we were at our

mutually worst set. Not our best at all. Some bad tapes triggers you will know you have because you've had the experience. Some will creep up on you. Mhmm. Some, especially in a bad tape kind of situation, I can't speak to triggers because I'm not, like, medically qualified. But I know in bad tapes, there'll be things you'll tell yourself. Well, I'm over that. I know JB is not like that motherfucker over there. And then you'll find yourself in a situation, and you'll be

like, I remember what this feels like. I know what and you go back to making assumptions. I know what's gonna happen next. You don't, though. It's a different person, and, hopefully, it's a better person. It's power exchange when probably the last time was fucking vanilla anyway. And you don't know what's gonna happen, but your body and your brain sort of take over and you react and respond like you do, and now it's all going to shit.

And and I'm just gonna add add one little quick thing to all this, with the triggers and the bad tapes. The the triggers and bad tapes, yeah, absolutely. But there's I I I think there's one thing that should be added to that little caveat. Okay. Landmines. Yes. Okay? Which are a little bit like bad tapes and triggers. They're they're they're like bad tapes and triggers, but here here's what what the thing is, you know, sometimes

you know what your triggers are. Alright? Many people know what their triggers are, and that's why they asked me to come through some shit. You've gone through some shit. We had a situation one time where I hit a trigger that neither of us knew about. No. Yeah. Okay? And that's how I kinda termed it landmine. Yeah. It's a little bit what it feels like. Because in in in the middle of the scene, stepped on it, and poof, everything blew up. And it was surprising forever. And

it's Right. Yeah. You don't even know how to respond because you didn't know that was a you were gonna have to respond to. So, you know, the triggers, bad tapes, landmines. There there could very well be hidden triggers somewhere. Mhmm. And and, you know, that's something to be aware of. Mhmm. Yeah. And, you know, you can't prevent all of those things. No. You know? You can you can be a little bit like me and sort of set your life up in a way that you prevent most of them, but you can't prevent

all of them. Yeah. So you have to do something about them. So as the person who they're happening to, if it's available to you and it's the right choice for you, working with a professional to to do what you can to get the you know, some level of help to to I don't wanna say deal with it. I don't even wanna say work through it. I don't know what the right expression is. But but to not go through that part alone and have somebody who's a professional

work with you on it Yeah. That if that is an option for you, please please take it. Mhmm. Absolutely. The best, like, 2 years of my mental health was when I was in therapy. And I got a greater understanding of myself, and that was wonderful. The other than that, though, you were in this relationship. This is a power exchange. And depending on how your power exchange is set up, there could be very strict

elements to it that Yeah. You each want to follow kinda to the letter, and there's a way that you each expect the other to behave. And when bad tapes and triggers and landmines happen, it will often, maybe always, but definitely often throw you completely out of your dynamic, whether it's for 30 seconds or if it's longer. So there's an aftermath. Right? There's after the screaming. There's after the argument. There's after the whatever.

The amount of times I I will not say the person's name, but his had a bad tape, and I've looked at him and gone, my name is not fill in the blank with that person Yeah. To kinda bring him out of it. Like, woah. Woah. Woah. You're dealing with mean. Yep. Not that one. Right? There's the there's the moment, and then there's when everything's calmed down. Right? Yeah. It's the when things calm down enough that you do need to talk about it. Oh, yeah. What happened? Is there can I can I help?

Mhmm. Is there anything I can do for you? Right. Is do we need to work do we need to renegotiate some element of what we're doing to avoid this? Yeah. You know, do you need me to call somebody for your like, you've got to you've got to have a conversation. Right. And and, you know, that's that's what we did. Knew at the moment when it happened, that was not the time to have the the conversation. Nope. I went in immediately into aftercare mode. Yeah.

Which was usually a time when I'm, like, wave me out loud. Actually, if I recall both the times that I can remember that I was, by the definition of the word, triggered Yeah. I I was so shocked that I reacted that way because it is so out of character. It's just not True. True. True. That I think I shocked myself back into not not being triggered. I was still, like, like, heart racing, like, sighing and, you know, the ways that you would sigh, not just trying to breathe.

But, like, I didn't I didn't know what the fuck to do. Mhmm. I it was but I also was no longer angry. Like, with the moment we both hit that peak and it exploded, I was like Whoop. What the fuck were we just arguing about? Because it can't possibly be that important. All that shit's out the door right now. Just a weird feeling if you've never experienced it. Yeah. Yeah. And you do try you go into daddy dom mode real real quick

when I'm the one freaking out. You do go into I am a strong independent woman, leave me alone mode when it happens to you. And I'm like, how can I help you, daddy? Which look. Sometimes, I am a submissive and I love being submissive to the right person. Not forever, fucking body. But sometimes, there are moments when it sucks. And it sucks when you know that what your dominant partner probably would benefit from is comfort, is help, is something. Something that you, as their partner,

can give them. Now every partner of regardless of flavor, has the right to say, please leave me alone. I don't want your help. We we all do. That's a consent thing. But dumbs get to be firm in the I'm fine, baby girl. Well, no the fuck you're not. But I respect consent. Just let me know when you need me, and then I'll just glare at them talking to come here. I I I give you a little inside tips, missus.

When when they're upset and you want to help and they are not in a place where they want you to help, And you are respecting consent. Sometimes, not always. It depends on the person, but with JB, it works. Daddy, I need a hug after that. And then you get to provide comfort consensually. And I do need a hug because I wanna fucking comfort you and I can't. And I wanna fix it and I can't. Sneaky. That is from me. Me to you.

It's a sincere hug but I don't do fake hugs because I only hug you if I I'm like, I really have to like you to hug you. But yeah. The I feel like we're ending on the darkest one. Mhmm. Because new power exchange, you're excited. You're in your power exchange. You've negotiated. You're probably if you're the type that writes things down or does contracts, you got a shiny new little contract over there. It you wanna frame it. You wanna run out to all your kink friends

and go, look. Look. We're you know? Like, I like, I get it. And it's exciting, and it should be exciting. And before you can even get out of new relationship energy and into old relationship energy, you hit a landmine. Your partner's triggered. You're triggered. You a bad tape, a memory, a thing that you told yourself. I'm fucking over that. That was that motherfucker. And I like this motherfucker, so we it doesn't matter. It's fine. Right? And then it hits, and then doubts creep

in. And then Yeah. The not wanting to talk about it might creep in. And then the what's wrong with me will creep in. Nothing's fucking wrong with you. You went through some shit, and you're remembering that. And you haven't had enough time or experience or experience or professional help or whatever whatever it might be that you need to move through that feeling. Again, I don't think there's a getting over anything. It's a

through. Right? And I I can know and tell you right in this second, angry loud voices can be triggering for me, and I can know that logically. And I can and JB can know it and can try do his best to avoid that kind of thing, and it can still happen. Now do I recover a little quicker now than I did 5 years ago? Yeah. I'm more self aware. I got better tools, whatever, whatever. But I'm not there's no getting over that. His bad tapes do not crop up near as much at this point.

No. But they can still happen because you'll find yourself in a situation that you didn't anticipate that you'd be in. True. But because we've had enough experience with one another and me help, you know, lovingly bullying him through his bad tapes, submissively, of course. He can work through it a little faster because we've we've kinda got a short we say this a lot. We've got a shorthand with one another. I'll say something like, that sounds like a bad tape.

Sometimes, I'll just quietly and with not any attitude go, this isn't that time, that moment, that person. And it can sometimes be enough to jolt him. And he's like, oh, okay, yeah, I'm back to you. And it's a form of communication that we've developed. It's a form of conflict management that we've developed. It's a form of conflict management that we've developed.

It's a way we support one another without fully trying to, like, take on each other's traumas and burdens and bad memories, trying to fight each other's battles because we can't. I can't make his memories go away. He can't and we can't give each other better childhoods. That shit has sailed. So we just support one another through it.

But if we weren't aware that it could happen, like, it can come as a surprise, especially if you're in a situation where your partner's triggered at or it's a bad tape or it's a landmine. Pick a word. Right? And they seem to be somebody you don't recognize in that moment. That that can be hard to deal with. And that's a thing that you'll have to work through yourself while they're working through, and sometimes you can

do that together. Sometimes you see a side of a person you didn't know existed and you gotta make decisions. But, you know, in mostly strong, mostly good, mostly healthy power exchange relationships, you can sometimes lean into your dynamic to work through it. And sometimes, you put that shit on the shelf for 30 seconds and just deal with the human being in front of you, but you can grow stronger together through those times as long as you do your best to be open and understanding and keep the

lines together. To be open and understanding and and support one another. Right. Right. Yep. So we talked today about frenzy Mhmm. Drop, assumptions, and bad tapes. And next time you hear one of us refer to bad tapes, you'll know what the fuck we're talking about. We get we do get a lot of people who bad tapes, you'll know what the fuck we're talking about. We get we do get a lot of people who who come in, like, these days when we're in the 4 100, and they're like, you said, what the hell is bad

tapes? And I don't mind explaining it to somebody because I think it's a it's a really useful way of looking at that stuff. You know? The if you've ever had the, oh, this person reminds me of that partner kinda moment, and they aren't really like that, but you're having that moment, that's a bad date. Mhmm. Sometimes our picker is bad, and we pick a carbon copy of the shitty one we just had. That's I've gone on different rants and different episodes about that. That's a different conversation.

So that was just a memory. Mhmm. So yeah. We started out real rough, but I feel like we got there a little. I think we did. I think we, you know, got over that Turbulence. It was turbulence. Yeah. And Lola. I'm I'm There's there's always a little you know, sometimes on takeoff, there's always a little. Takeoff and landing are the 2 parts I hate the most. Also flying over the Rocky Mountains. That helps. Haven't done that yet. Don't recommend. Okay. No. Anyway, we are gonna go into

a bonus. Okay. So are we good? I don't know. I don't know. Keep it kinky, y'all. And we'll see you next week. Tottie. Yes, baby girl. Can I tell you what I wanna tell you and talk to the crickets? Go ahead. Tell me what you wanna tell me. I had to look at you and stop my own breathing and almost sigh so we could breathe together so we can get that shit right. Hi, y'all. Oh my god. Didn't like it the way it ended last week.

See, I feel like we ended that way last week, and we had just kept on going through the beginning of this the one this week. Yeah. X is, he loves flying over the Rockies. I Well, I don't know. He's got it in the I know. And I'm I'm I'm gonna take him at his word. He'll tell me if he's being sarcastic. I liked going to places over the Rockies from where I'm located. But that was the first time

I was thankfully with somebody. I was with my aunt and we held hands and I who don't believe in, like, a god higher power kind of thing was like, well, I'll talk to the universe. Maybe the universe is listening because call it prayer if you want, but I gotta ask somebody to get us through this. It was that. It was I had I personally just never

experienced turbulence that bad. Now a frequent flyer might have gone, oh, that that was mild compared to don't tell me that because I'll never get on another plane again because that was the worst turbulence I'd ever experienced. And it was I was terrified. Now I, as an overly anxious human being, not always a great flyer. I'm fine once we're in the air. I really am flown over the Atlantic how many times now? Fine. But if it gets bumpy or noisier than normal,

that's it. I'm broken out into a full body sweat. Full body sweat. Oh god. Oh god. Nope. Nope. And yet, I like and now I will respect the it's dark and people are trying to sleep thing, but I like I get a window seat every chance I get. I like having the window thing up. Unless we're flying in a direction where the full force of the sun is coming in and we're all baking, then I'll put that shit down. I like looking out. Mhmm. I love I hate

heights. I I needed to go up to the second step of a step stool the other day in the garage and almost started crying. So Yeah. I can tell you why. But I so I do not like heights at all. But in an airplane, somehow, I've convinced myself that I feel safer there than anywhere else. And I don't know how that's possible, but whatever. And I like to look out and look at all of, like, the fields that look like little teeny tiny postage stamps and the cars that if you can even see them

depending on where you're at. Looks like dioramas. Yeah. Like, yeah. I fucking love that shit. Okay. So we had to change the light out in our garage because it's our shop, and the thing had busted. And we were like, let's put a new light in. It's old as shit, ballast, fluorescent blah blah blah. We changed the light out. But it's like on the ceiling in the garage, in the center of the fucking garage. I don't like getting on ladders. I don't feel stable. I know that how easily I trip when both of

my feet are flat on the ground. I don't trust myself higher up. And because it was in the center of the room, there was no, like, wall to lean against. There was nothing like if I fell if I started falling, I could, like, fling myself towards the wall and catch myself. We were in the middle of the room. And if I, as klutzy as I am, managed to topple the stepladder and I don't, put it past myself to somehow find a fucked up way to do that.

I was going either straightforward over this bench with, like, there was the utility knife and the putty knives and the really sharp scissors. And I was like, oh my god. Or I was going back straight into the AC blahdy blah thing and the smoker that lives in the garage. And I was like, either way, I'm going to a hospital. So it was step it was not like a little baby inside the house stepladder. It was like a like a a big kid's stepladder.

I wasn't even on the top step, but we went up just to the second step. I could envision falling, put my hand on the ceiling, but I it wasn't enough. I I couldn't do anything because one hand had to stay on the ceiling because somehow that was gonna keep me from falling. And that just left one hand out. That was not I went, I don't think I can do this. And he was like, get off the damn step stool. Okay. I mean, I y'all, I almost sweat it through my shirt. Got so nervous like it

was. But we got it done. We did get it done. Did did did you have to do all of the work and twist yourself into, like, weird contortions and get, sealing dust in your eyeballs? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because I was not one bit of fucking help on that one. I was moral support only. Now every time anybody gets on the ladder, I get nervous. Now why? I don't know. I've never seen anybody fall off of 1. Everybody in my life that around formative years who would get on

the ladder was very safe. My dad taught me ladder safety. I think that was the problem. Teaching me ladder safety meant he had to teach me what could go wrong. And so all I envision now is what can go wrong. So while JB was on the ladder, not even all the way up, like, he didn't need to go I've seen him stand on the very tippy top, like you're not supposed to do. He didn't have to go that high. He was but he was up. But he was having to bend kind of backwards and tilt his head back and get

up to the ceiling. It was all awkward. And so I would stand there and watch him and go, does he need anything? And then I go, okay. If he falls that way, fling your body and try to, like, break his fall. But you're like, I was I was planning I wasn't planning your demise, but I was planning for the eventuality that it might happen and what I can maybe do to prevent it. And now you have yet another example of what happens in my brain. You're welcome. There's my side for that one.

Silence said, I don't even like going up the attic steps ladder thing. No. You could nope. I won't go up that thing. That thing sounds like it's falling apart. The first step you take. I hate the attic pull down nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Last Christmas season, was it? We had the oldest help us. Yeah. Because the oldest is very slender, very light, and he can fit in tight spaces. So we were like, you you you and JB was still dealing with, like, your back

or whatever. Yeah. So we're like, you get that stuff up into the attic because this is where Christmas stuff lives. And somehow I was a little less nervous for him. Is miss Lola gonna start again? Please don't. Please please let us be done first. But yeah. No. I don't do that. I wouldn't you couldn't pay me to go in the attic. Anyway, first of all, I'm sure something's crawling around up there. It might just be a bug, but this is Florida. Our bugs get huge and most of them fly.

2, is Florida right now, this time of year, too fucking hot. Like, even when we got, like, our AC done a couple years ago, the only time they would go up to, like, do the duct work was, like, at Early in the morning. 7 o'clock in the morning. And even then, it was already crazy hot. I mean, you know, the the attics down here can very easily get up to a 120, 130 degrees. Yeah. It's not safe at certain times No. Of the year, times of the day. But yeah. No. I'm not getting I'm not

getting on the ladder. Nope. I for that brief window of time where I was fully single living on my own with just the kids, I had a baby step stool that was one step that I think we might still have it. It's out in the shop. Right. That one, I could do. Only that one. It takes you, what, like, 8 inches off the ground of that? Mhmm. That one. Now did it have to be right next to a wall so I could brace myself? Yes. Yes. It did. Just saying.

Oh, god. Palmetto bugs are Yeah. Oh, they're so that that's the big flying bugs that Florida gets. Mhmm. They oh, god. And if if they're carrying their babies with them I don't know what's worse. The spider with her babies on them or the palmetto bug with its babies on. I think it's the palmetto bug because that fucker flies. That fucker flies. How why do I keep saying I'm a Florida girl and I wanna live here? You tell me. I mean, you I know. Well, at this point, I'm

sucks to suck. We're here while the oldest goes to college in the state. I would not move out of Florida right now with him still in college and needing us. Like, no. No. No. I'm here. I'm here. You need me just too much right now. I was thinking Yeah. You know, yeah, as much as it's sometimes a hassle to drive to Gainesville, at least we have a back road we can take that's pretty open. Mhmm. And I was thinking this would

Lola agrees. Mhmm. But I'm I'm grateful that, you know, he didn't go to Tampa. I know that would suck for the drive. That would suck for the drive. He would he would have just had to, like, get used to everything being delivered to his ass. He, got his financial aid package from the school for the, fall semester, fully covers his tuition, covers his rent, covers, like, 90% of his bills. So he has extra, you know, extra money on top of that, and he puts some in savings. And he's like, I need a

desktop. My laptop is from when I was a freshman in high school, and it was a cheapie then. So this is not doing what I needed to do for school. And he called he called me and he was like, I actually am asking for your opinion. I want to know what you think, which clear communication. Usually, he does not actually wanna know what I think. I am his mother. Sometimes I will shoehorn, actually wanna know what I think. I am

his mother. Sometimes I will shoehorn in an opinion, but most of the time I wait for him to ask. And he did. He was like, do you think this is a good decision? And I was like, yes. And here's what I think of blah blah blah. And he, rejected the one thing I said he should probably do. That's fine. He's a grown ass adult. But he had it shipped to us because it's coming in a big box, and he's off at class most days in his apartment complex.

We've been on alert all day. It's supposed to arrive today and needs a signature, and it's a whole family affair. So it was supposed to arrive between 3 5, and I was like, nothing we have Ever arrives at times. Yeah. No. It's usually between, like, 6 and 8, sometimes as late as 9. So the whole family this has been a team operation. We are streaming and recording and doing our thing tonight. So the youngest has his bedroom curtains open so he can

watch the street. So if a delivery truck stops anywhere near our house, his job is to text me because please do not get it twisted. That child is not go gonna answer the doorbell and sign his name. Okay? I would barely do it. That's why I have a daddy doll. So we've been on the alert waiting for my text message to go off. It has not so far. That tells me that either he forgot to look out his window or

they have not arrived yet. But then we will sign for tonight or collect it tomorrow if they do that thing where they pretend to knock and didn't and just leave the sticker. No sticker. Okay. That's what I just wanted to do. I mean, our UPS I love our UPS people and also feel really bad for them. Sometimes they're still delivering at 9 o'clock or in this neighborhood. Yeah. So it's possible it could come that late. But then we will carry it to the

oldest tomorrow because he has a concert. And this concert is the one we learned last year is the longest of the year because it's both big bands playing. He is in the 2nd big band that plays, but it's both. And so we're gonna go to that concert. We're gonna go to his performances this year because we're close enough we can. We also decided we're taking Friday off. What's wrong? Oh my gosh. Did she hurt herself? That little spot on top of her head. Did it come open? Yep. Oh my gosh. She doesn't

look like she's in distress. No. Podcast listeners, y'all don't I'm so sorry. And YouTube folks, all you can see is me looking worried. Lola has a little spot on her head that opened up. I won't go into details. It's not gross, but some people are squeamish. She's not in distress. No. I bet it's from all her rubbing her head on her cot. I believe we are more distressed than she is. Right. She's She she's she's doing this on my leg because she wants pets. She would like your attention, please.

So, yes, we're going to a concert Thursday night. Mhmm. I will probably work Friday, but nobody is getting up on a with an alarm for us. Because it'll easily be midnight before we even rock back up to the house. Last year, the first time we went, we had no idea what to expect. Mm-mm. We got home so late, and I still tried to get up and work the next day. I was miserable. So here's what's funny. I get the concert, schedule, because I know where to go and not wait for the child to tell me. Yeah.

And I look and I go, oh, shit. The first concert the September concert, it's both bands. And normally, it's not. They have their own concert on their own night, but this first one, they do on the same night. And it's a very long concert with, like, a 30 minute intermission. It's so fucking long. And I'm like, I want us to go. I wanna support the kid. I wanna get to be a band mom. Like, I I want that. And I'm trying to talk to JB, and he's just looking at me with

dread. And I'm thinking, am I gonna have to go by myself? And I don't like to drive at night anymore. I'm I don't know. And so finally, oh my lord, Lola's shaking the table. And finally, I've I've came upon the magic words. I said, look, we work for our fucking selves. We have the livestream Friday night, 9:30 PM EST on YouTube, September 20th. But why don't we just not work on Friday? Don't we don't have to wake up

early. We just we just plan our week knowing we won't, like, be doing anything major on Friday. Yeah. And then he was like, okay. I was like And and silent asked if it was gonna affect the hangout on Friday. Mhmm. No. Not at all. No. You know, Thursday night, as long as we we have you know, as long as we can sleep in the next morning, it'd be fine. Yeah. So yeah. So I'm excited about going to the concert. Mhmm. I hope we get the child's he hopes we get the his desk

top. Yeah. I was like, I guess we'll carry it to you this weekend if if we we can't on Thursday. Mhmm. Which, again, it's not that bad. It's not that bad of a drive. No. So yeah. Yeah. That's been us. Yeah. We have we can't talk about too much or whatever. We're gonna talk about Friday night. That's right. We'll talk about when was the last time we talked about pie and our our stance on pie? Pie. It's been a while. Pie. Pie.

We we have been known multiple times now, but sometimes with a poll, to have the great bacon debate, if you would like to join us for that on Friday. The the bacon debate is not Kevin or Frank. It's, it's, crunchy or chewy. You mean Francis? Frank. The moment I said it, I was like, oh, I should have said sir Bacon, but I was close, and I knew who I meant, and you knew who I meant. So therefore, it was clear communication. Well, you know, I I think bacon needs to be kicked to the curb

for the time being. Mhmm. You know, we we are in fall season. Supposedly. Suppo well, the rest of the country is except for us. But, you know, there there there are 2 big contenders that happen this time of the year. Okay. You know, apple pie, Pumpkin pie? Apple. Apple or Pumpkin pie spice? Yes. Pumpkin flavored shit? Yeah. You were very lucky. I got sent into Aldi this week in the middle of the week, which we don't usually do. We get our groceries on the weekend. We don't go to the store again.

But I had to go. And I walked past the bakery section and they had pumpkin bread. Now, I'd already had their pumpkin cake roll with the cream cheese filling, which was delicious, by the way. But this was their pumpkin bread in the same vein as banana bread. Right? I almost bought it. And then I stopped myself. We didn't need it. It's fine. I had to buy bacon, actually, and avocados instead. But yeah. I like pumpkin pie flavors. I like pumpkin in things. I am not a pumpkin pie girly.

It's the texture for me. Okay. It's not the flavor's fine. It's the texture. Apple pie? Yes. K. But, see, I'm used to we didn't do this when I was a kid because it was like just a few of us. But then when my mom after my dad died, my mom and my mom remarried. She remarried into a very traditional southern family, which was a culture shock for us because while we are southern, we were never traditional. Okay?

These are the who are your people, what church do you go to kind of southerners, if you know, you know. And so you didn't just get an apple pie and a pumpkin pie. You got a dessert buffet? Mhmm. And so, yes, pumpkin pie and apple pie and pecan pie and chocolate cake. That's not a pie. Pecan pie is delicious. It's also great if you just want a quick sugar high. You got chocolate cake and also a German chocolate cake. There was usually competing chocolate cakes.

Somebody had brownies. Somebody brought cookies. Sometimes, the whoever was hosting did all of that, and then other people like, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So it's never just been a choice for me between the pumpkin and the apple. No. No. Anyway Anyhoo. Yep. All of that. We can we can do the great pie debate on Friday as well. And and silent, yeah, we can't talk about every night, but we started the debate and we will end it Friday. No. It'll just be around 55 or something.

Certain debates just are ongoing and can never be fully solved. That's true. Except the bacon one because the last the last time we debated that, I won, and I knew I was right. Crunchy is the superior bacon. Anyway Anyhoo. We'll talk about that on Friday probably, except if we forget Right. And we find something else to talk about. Mhmm. So with with that, if you somehow managed to stick around to this bitter end, we appreciate you more than you know.

Mhmm. This is gonna be one of those episodes I walk away going, oh my god. I can't believe I said that. Mhmm. Pick a that, any that. Any that. Yeah. So yeah. Thanks. K. Thanks for being here. Mhmm. We appreciate you. We will hopefully talk to you on Friday. If not, we'll be back next week. Yeah. Okay. Alright. Bye. Bye.