- You are listening to the Loving BDSM podcast. Kill The Lord's here with the one, the only, the, you're looking a little smug, and I don't know why. I mean, I like it and it's kind of sexy, but I don't know what's happening. John Brownstone, - That's for me to know and you to find out. Mm. - Kinky - . . - That's how I like it around here.
Uh, and after, uh, an emotional long episode from last week, uh, apparently, or week before, by the time y'all hear this, apparently we're getting, that was enough. That's what we need to do. Yep. We're getting our groove back. Mm-Hmm. . And now you're looking all devious over there. - . - All of you could see that gleam in his eyes. That's not what we're here for though.
Uh, this week we're answering a question from a, of who wants to be told what to do in their power exchange, but whose Dom can't or won't tell them what to do. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If you're new here, we help kinks like you have happy, healthy power exchange relationships. Add the podcast to your favorite podcast app so you never miss an episode.
And if you'd like us to answer your question in a future one of these, we have a contact page called Ask your Questions on our website@lovingbdsm.net or in the show notes for this episode. Okay. Let's get right into the question. I ask my dom, what do you need? He goes, you have eyes and live here too. Basically, stop asking and just do the things I've learned from many YouTube videos and talking with him that he can't deal with the mental load.
How do I still get my needs met of being told what to do and being submissive without adding to his mental load? Can I just start with, I'm not impressed. When you as a submissive ask your partner, who is the dom? Hi. Guide me, lead me, control me. Mm-Hmm. tell me what to do. And the response is, will you have eyes? Yeah. Just do what you see needs to be done. - Yeah. Um, what ? - I don't like that. - No. Me, me either. Yeah. To a certain extent.
You know, when you've been with somebody long enough, I mean, you can kind of see certain things that I need right after all this time, but it's not the norm for how we True. - And a response like that to me. And I'm projecting here. I get that. Mm-Hmm. . But it sort of assumes that the only thing a submissive is going to do are domestic tasks that they can look around and see what needs to be done. When in fact, submission can also be not for everybody.
Mm-Hmm. , but can also be, Hey, I as a dominant have needs and things I want you to take care of that you cannot obviously see this is not about washing dishes. Mm-Hmm. and doing laundry and sweeping a floor. This is about what I personally as a dominant need. I'm going to tell you what that is because you can't just guess what that might be. - Right. You know, it's, um, just like been saying for years, you know, dominance are not mind readers. Right. And nor are submissives. Right.
- Exactly. - You know? Exactly. There, you know. Yes. There, there is a certain point where you can be intuitive. Mm-Hmm. . But to be a mind reader, no. - Right. It sounds to me like what this dominant partner would like is proactive service. Mm-Hmm. and submission. They want their partner to just sort of not have to be told every single thing, every single moment of the day or whatever that uh mm-Hmm. quantity of, you know, asks and, and whatever might be.
But you don't get proactive service just because one of you went, I'm the dom and the other one went, I'm the sub and ta dah. Here we are. Mm-Hmm. , you actually have to build a foundation in order to get proactive service. You have to have the conversations about what are your expectations as a dominant Sure. What do you want done, need done? Where do you need help? What is your submissive willing and able to do? And that requires mental load at the front. Mm-Hmm.
that then can Yes. Reduce some of the mental load as you go. That does not mean that you never have to tell your submissive what they need to be doing. - Right. I, I mean, I, I read this and I, and I've read this now several times. It's just spinning - In your mind and, - And, and it just spins in my mind. And, you know, I'm gonna say something here and it may not be the popular opinion. This sounds like a very lazy dom to me. Alright.
When, when Dom says, you know, do whatever you see needs to be done that that's like, you know, don't bother me. Don't. Right. - I just want you to be a, a maid, a caretaker for our our house. Yeah. Our - Life. Do, do what you feel needs to be done, but leave me out of it. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not, I'm not impressed - With that either. - No, no I'm not. - Yeah. So, okay. Let's say this is a person who does have a lot going on and doesn't feel like they can take on the mental load.
Mm-Hmm. . But, and maybe they're new and they're learning, like let, let's give benefit of the doubt that they're not a shitty person, they're a person in need of education. - Okay. We'll - Just, we'll try that route. Um, what would you advise for Dom or sub of how to navigate this to create the power exchange that fits both of their needs? If you think that's even possible. - You know, I, I don't know. Uh, it, it depends on a lot of things. But, you know, here's, here's what I am going to say.
If this is indeed a person who has, um, carrying, you know, at this moment, at, at any given moment in time, a a heavy load. Mm-Hmm. per se, you know, something I learned years ago and it has been invaluable to me throughout my life. You delegate. Mm-Hmm. . Alright. Mm-Hmm. . When, when you are overwhelmed, you ask for help and you delegate.
Mm-Hmm. , you know, one way of helping to reduce this mental load, especially if you are a dominant, is to say, Hey baby girl, I've got a lot going on in my life right now. I could use some help and these are the things you can do for me to help lighten my load. - Right? And then at that point, I would say the submissive might ask clarifying questions.
Sure. Because ideally what is happening in a power exchange is the dom asks for help versus, Hey, do these things and then you as a submissive want to do them in the way the do wants them to be done. Right? Mm-Hmm. like it's, uh, you know, for the vast majority of y'all, it's about the power and control of I want it done the way I want it done, but also I want you to be the one to do it. So you might have to ask clarifying questions of, okay, um, do you want it done like this?
You know? Mm-Hmm. are there, is there anything I need to keep in mind? Your partner may say, no, if you could just get it done for me, I trust you. I'll not micromanage you just make it happen. You do that to me all the time. You're like, make it so, yeah. And I'm just like, okay, I'll go get it done. You know, use my best judgment, but I'm doing what you want me to do what you've told me to do, which from the outside looking in might not look like being told what to do.
'cause you've asked for help, right? You've delegated the tasks. It still requires some amount of mental effort from the dominant though. It, there has to be the willingness to take five minutes Yeah. In a day, in a week, whatever, to say, here are the things I need, here's what I need you to know about them. I trust you to get it done. Come ask me if you have questions.
I'm also gonna give side eye to any dom who's like, I want you to do the thing, but I will not answer your questions if you need help. Yeah. Like, that's not helpful for any fucking buddy. No. That's a manipulative power trip. That's not big D dominant in my mind. Um, but it still requires that effort. Now it could be trying to give benefit of the doubt Okay. And not be a total bitch about this. Right. - 'cause I I had a thought too. Go ahead. Okay.
- It could be that this dominant assumes that dominance is micromanaging, that they have to be on top of everything you do all the time. It could be that that's a type of submission that you want and they're not able to handle that. So a couple things may need to happen. One, the dominant may need to understand that that does not have to be dominance.
Two, you may have to decide, okay, if I, if I want maybe my dom to micromanage me and to tell me to do all of the things, but that is not gonna happen currently. Mm-Hmm. , what can I accept? How, how low can I go in terms of constantly being whatever constantly means to you, air quote that being told what to do. Okay. Can I handle being given a set of tasks on a Monday to be done by Friday?
Mm-Hmm. in the morning to be done by the evening, whatever, to get what I need without that consistent back and forth of Yeah. Here's what I want. What do you need? Mm-Hmm. , here's what I want. What do you need? - Yeah. Now here's, here's another side to the coin. Maybe, you know, it could be that this dominant is not a good communicator. Oh yeah. - Okay. I mean, that's - A skill. I mean, that is, that is a skill.
- You have to practice it. - And unless you have been exercising certain muscles, and I know this was kind of a problem for me in the beginning as well, because it was not something in any of my past relationships that I ever really kind of had. Mm-Hmm. where somebody asks you, what do you need? - Mm. And you just weren't used to - It and, and you're, you're not used to that. And you know, like, what do I need? - Right. And then it feels like effort to think about, wait, what, what do I need
right now? Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. - , you know, and one not knowing what you need because unfamiliar territory Right. And then being unable to communicate that. - Right. Not having the skills yet to communicate. Right. - Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. . So, you know, there could be a bit of that in play Yes. With this as well. - It, in my charitable view of this question, yes. Mm-Hmm. , I will absolutely admit that.
Because while we want to from a submissive perspective, think about and think of our doms as all knowing, as being in total power and control, you know, being very clear on what they want and how they want you to do it. And, and they're not quite mind reader status, but close where they just, you know, it's where we do that thing we're not supposed to do. We put them on a pedestal. Right. . Yeah. Right. We should not do it. It never works out well. Mm-Hmm.
. But it still happens. And the reality is, is that doms have to learn the skills of being a dominant, I don't care how inherent little d dominant their personality is. The skills of figuring out what you want, communicating it in a way that it is effective for both of you. Mm-Hmm. , um, having enough trust, um, and feeling safe enough to be vulnerable and open up. Doms have to open up and be vulnerable on some level. Right. Just like a submissive does. It looks different.
It's two sides of a slash but it's the same effect. So if your dominant is not used to being able to just say, these are the things I need or these are the things I want you to do, and have that reciprocated that mm-Hmm. like you said, that's a muscle that they're gonna have to - Exercise to get now, now what might be comfortable be what might be helpful to this person, um, you know, especially if they're open to learning and growing in and of themselves. Look for munches. Mm-Hmm.
, you know, if, if don't attend munches currently, you know, look into that. Um, many areas have what they call dominant round tables. Mm-Hmm. , you know, which is a meeting of just dominance and, and they kind of talk about their concerns and things going on in, in their lives as as dominance. And it is a good way to learn different perspectives and, and, you know, grow.
- And just so you know, if your community has a dom round table, they will always at some point have a submissive version of that. Correct. So the submissives can gather Mm-Hmm. and have their conversations as well. Mm-Hmm. And, uh, good communities will let switches pick which room they wanna be in - At any given moment. Moment at any given moment. Right. Um, now, now some areas I, I know like Orlando, uh, the woodshed, they have a dominant and submissive round table.
During covid they went virtual. Mm-Hmm. with it. Mm-Hmm. . And since, you know, that is mostly now over, they do have them in person, but they still do the virtual right. Aspect. So, you know, that is another thing to look into. Mm-Hmm. if they're willing to, you know, grow and, and learn at that point. - Right. And I think it comes down to what kind of dominant your partner is and wants to be. Mm-Hmm. and how much effort they're willing to put in because Yeah.
If, like you said this is a lazy dom who thinks they get to call themselves a dom and you just look around and Mm-Hmm. and do what you assume needs to be done with no input from them and they air quote, don't wanna take on the mental load that's required, then that's not to me a sustainable healthy power exchange relationship. You, you might wanna rethink what's happening. Mm-Hmm.
if however they have bought into stereotypes and tropes and cliches of what dominance is and they think, think they find themselves overwhelmed by that and think, wait, I can't do that. I can't keep up with that, then what they need to do is relearn what dominance means either through the community or through resources like books and podcasts and videos. Mm-Hmm. and however they like to learn and realize that there are other ways to be a dominant that don't require a massive mental load.
There's a lot more mental load in the beginning while you're learning each other. Sure. Absolutely. - And you're - Negotiating your relationship, but if your partner is comfortable with, um, proactive anticipatory submission from you where you see a thing, you know what their expectations are and you just do the thing you can get there. Mm-Hmm. , but you don't get there on day one.
You have to put in the work in the beginning and as you go, some of that work is alleviated where in the very beginning it might be every day you have to talk about it over some amount of given amount of time. Maybe you're only having to talk about it, you know, once a week to check in with one another or five minutes a day and then, you know, your dorm just kinda lets you go and do the thing. That's a little bit of how our power exchange currently works.
Mm-Hmm. because our lives are too busy for JB to be figuratively up my ass all the time. . Yeah. - You - Know, he also knows that I'm too busy for him to constantly be throwing new tasks at me at her. Yeah. So we set a baseline of here are the tasks I expect you to get done in a day. Mm-Hmm. , these are the things I want you to do for me baby girl. And I go, okay. And then I am left to get them done by the time they need to be done.
And then as needed, JB will come to me and go, Hey, here's a thing I need you to do. And he is mindful of that, the fact that I'm very busy and I can be overwhelmed and mm-Hmm. , I might not be able to do it right at that moment, but he knows that if he hands me the task and gives me a deadline of when it needs to be done, he can then stop thinking about it. I'll take over and I've got it. Right. If that appeals to both of you, you can get there, but you do not get there on day one.
Mm-Hmm. it takes time. Um, and if communication is the issue of figuring out how to your dom's like struggling with how to tell you what they want and need, I highly recommend a book called Tongue Tied. Yes. It's about, um, communication and sex kink and relationships in general. I think there's one, maybe two chapters that focus on kink, but Mm-Hmm. . That's fine. The entire book is worth it. Yeah. You can get something from the entire book.
Uh, we'll link to it in the places it's called Tongue Tied by Stella Harris. Mm-Hmm. ebook physical book. We own the physical book, and I think there's an audiobook now, so Okay. However, somebody likes to consume - Content, they can do that. Now one, one other quick suggestion here in this and, um, you know, again, if they are not a good communicator, um, I know with Kayla, she, especially in the beginning, she had, you know, a lot of trouble using her words.
Mm-Hmm. Sometimes she still does. And you know, I used to ask her, okay, you, you can't verbally ask me at this point, write it out. Right. It would, it, would he be better off writing some of this stuff out? Right. That he, he thinks rather than asking him sometimes for some people that's a better way for them to communicate. Mm-Hmm. - . Yeah. And sometimes the commu the communication just needs to be asynchronous. They go away and take time to think, to write or type Mm-Hmm.
so they can edit themselves. So they can really think through it. They can go as slow as they need to. Right. They don't feel like they have the pressure of somebody looking at them, asking them a question and then they give it to you and then you go over it, read it, take that information in without maybe them even being in the room with you. Mm-Hmm. . And that is a valid way to communicate as well.
Um, I think over the long term it is better to not, you don't have to get rid of that way of communicating, but reduce that in favor of more face-to-face conversation. But that can take a while, right. Both in terms of skill but also comfort level and you know, just getting used to it. Mm-Hmm. and feeling safe and like you can trust your partner.
And the thing is, is the things we tell submissives about trust and vulnerability and honesty and integrity and comfort and feeling like you can do these things that all can apply to Doms. It just looks a little bit different. 'cause you know, we have this thing of the Doms are supposed to be in charge and know what they want. Well that doesn't mean they're not gonna struggle with how to communicate that and share that and embrace that. Um, assuming that they want to be the dominant partner.
Correct. So in this case, it's definitely about thinking about who your partner is and how they handle your power exchange in general. You know, if you've had these kinds of conversations with them and all they tell you is, you know, I shouldn't have to tell you anything, I don't think that's a healthy power exchange that can last.
Yeah. However, if you haven't really had these in-depth conversations or you can see that, oh, maybe what they need is a different way to communicate or they just need to know there's a different way, well then, you know, pick one of these things we've said and go down the path that feels right. Lola agrees. Yes. As usual. . So hopefully that helps. Mm-Hmm. .
Um, what we want is for everybody who wants to be together to have happy, healthy power exchange relationships, but also sometimes it's a bad fit. Yeah. It's a bad fit. Hopefully this isn't a lazy dom. Hopefully this is a, a dom who just needs a new perspective and to realize there's new ways of doing things, uh, and that you can have the power exchange that you want. There you go. Lola agrees. Yep. Mm-Hmm. , thanks for listening to this week's q and a episode.
If you want us to answer one of your questions, just use the contact page on our website@lovingbdsm.net, or you can find the link in the show notes. Big thanks as always to our kinky community over on Patreon, we're able to do this podcast and keep it going and help Sters due to your support. If you'd like to be part of our community and get access to extra content and a Discord server with a group of super cool, super nice ks, you can do that. Just join us at patreon.com/kayla lords.
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