Starting a New D/s Relationship | Back to Basics

You're listening to Loving BDSM podcast episode 4 10. That's 410, y'all. Dang. Kayla Lords here with the 1, the only, the light of my life, the creamed my coffee, John Brownstone. Wow. And you know how much I love me some cream in my coffee. Yeah. You do. Would you like a little coffee with that cream? I don't want my coffee to taste like coffee. I want it to taste like cream and and whatever flavor syrup I'm using this day. Yeah. That's what that's what I want. That's not what we're

here to talk about. Although, I'm happy to, talk about the Walmart brand, creamer that I just got to open today and how delightful it was. But we can talk about that later. This week, we're actually starting a series for the month of September. At least we've never done a series like this, I think.

We're calling it back to basics, but we're actually having conversations that I don't think we've had in quite this way before, because we tend to talk about bits and pieces, and this is, I think, a more holistic conversation. Okay. And we're starting with starting your d s relationship, starting your power exchange. You're like, this is a person I want to be in this power exchange with. What next? That's what this conversation is. Gotta

start somewhere. Gotta start and the beginning is usually a very good place to start, I've heard. Welcome to the Living BDSM podcast. If this is your first time listening, glad to have you. You're back for another week, welcome back. Loving BDSM is produced every Monday Friday for your kinky pleasure and education, and show notes are found at loving BDSM dot net. Come back often and feel free to add the podcast to your favorite podcast app. You can also follow the show on FetLife at loving BDSM

PC. The PC stands for podcast, y'all. That on Instagram and threads at that handle, I will forever fucking hate. Oh my god. I wanna spit nails. Loving d s and the number 1. So that's at loving d s one on Instagram and technically threads, or on YouTube at youtube.com/lovingbdsm, where you can watch us live stream the podcast every Wednesday. All links are in the show notes. A big thanks as always to our kinky patrons over on Patreon, including our

newest peeps. We are able to be weirdos on the Internet because of our Patreon community, and we are grateful for every fucking one of you. Oh my god. If you would like to join our kinky community and get access to extra content, even when we're a little late in posting it, and a Discord server Okay. With a bunch of super chill kingsters, you can do that. Just join us at patreon.com/kayla lords. That's patreon.com/kayla lords, or use the link in the show notes.

Okay. I don't really have any announcements for this week. Okay. The kinkery exists, the kinkery.com, the loving BDS on Etsy shop exists. I'm not gonna say that URL, but we're there. Yeah. So ta da. We are always sponsoring we because we decided we wanted to sell things, and so shops exist for that. We'd like to keep the lights on. We do like to keep the lights on. Links in the places. Okay. That's that's the announcement, I guess. Let me double check myself. Yeah, no. I've got no announcements.

So we are trying something new for the month of September. Will it go longer than that? I don't know. We're doing I think it's our first ever, like, series of topics in in the big episode. Like, we've done many episodes before that was kind of a series. Got our question q and a, episodes each week that we can kinda call that a series if you wanted. But this is meant to be a topic based series that a stupid walk from my stupid mental health helped me come up with. That

I'm I'm doing that happen. I know. Come back to basics. It's in some of them that we have we we actually have plans. Okay? We're actually talking about before we come to do an episode, what we wanna talk about. I know Before the mics get put in front of our face. It's crazy talk. I don't know what's happening either. But Kinda like we used to do. Oh, shh. Don't let anybody know how far we've fallen. This week's topic is starting a power exchange. There will be other

topics. Some of that is gonna overlap with things we've talked about in the previous 409 episodes. So some of this might be a repeat. Some of y'all do not need the basics, and that's okay. We hope you're here for the entertainment. But sometimes you may pick up a gem from Bay, you know. Because we've been talking about this stuff since literally 2015, we might say something different in the year of our Lord 2024 that we have not said previously. For this episode, it overlaps a ton of

things we've talked about in past. There are links to past episodes slash YouTube videos for all of that if you wanna do a deep dive. Starting a power exchange relationship is such a massive topic. We are gonna keep it a little high level. Mhmm. That's what all those links will be for if you wanna, like, get into, like, the the the deep, dark details of every little thought we might have. We meaning me, because y'all know how I am. How deep do you wanna dig?

Oh, now that just sounds sexy. I don't know if this is the time of your place for you to be asking me that question. We also actually have notes that we're actually going to try to follow. We'll see how this goes. We're gonna try and be grown ups here. Okay. So starting a power exchange. This is after or at the same time of, am I kinky? What does that mean? Maybe you're kinda past that, or this is a simultaneous thing that you're figuring out.

Let's start at the top because there's two sides to this. You're starting a power exchange with a new partner or a newish partner that you've never really been in a relationship with before. That's one way to start a power exchange. And then there is the, oh, we've been vanilla the whole time we've known each other. For some of y'all, that's literal decades. 1 or both of us has figured out we're kinky, and we wanna switch things together. Yeah.

So let's which which one of those do you wanna start with, daddy? Because it is a little bit of 2 separate conversations about how you actually start the relationship. Because one has preexisting history that you have to work through, and one is you've met a person and you're like, yeah, you seem like a good one. We're gonna start the way you got her written. Let's go with the new partner. Okay. So I'll take new partner for 500, Alex. No.

No. Nope. No. No. I'm not clever enough or quick enough, off the cuff to do a Jeopardy thing. So sorry. So let's talk about new partners. You've met a person. Let's start with the question we get all the time. Where where do I meet potential partners? You know, you can meet them anywhere. Wherever people are. I promise you kinky people are existing. You know, you munches, workshops. Fat life. Fat life. Dating apps. Dungeons, parties, you know, we're everywhere. I this will not we are everywhere.

The non kinky should probably be a little nervous. It's fine though. I am a big fan of kind of trying to figure out your kinky self before you worry about going and finding a partner. Assuming you're single when you're go, hey, wait. I think I'm kinky. Mhmm. It this is not universally true, but a lot of new submissives, like, figured out they were submissive yesterday. Today, they're looking for their dream dom. Man, it's real easy to get into some

trouble with that. And so to maybe not be as discerning about people as you will be in the future when you've kinda gone, well, what does this even mean to me? Mhmm. What do I think I'm into? What have I learned about BDSM as a whole? You know, it's not like it's a requirement. I would just say it's a good idea. So then you've got established kinky people who are like, I'm kinky. I've been in my community for literal years. Hey. When y'all ask, how do I meet

people? I'm like, well, where are you going, and who are you going with? Because the same answer still applies. If you prefer to be online, there's FetLife. Yes. It's a cesspool. I know. Just just use the block and delete buttons liberally. Yeah. That is true on all social media. Well, I'm glad. There's there are dating apps. They're, you know, in person community stuff. Now what I know my opinion. What is and this is a personal choice.

What's your stance on for folks who maybe are they know they're kinky, they know they want power exchange, but they are on the typically non kink, like, dating apps. Because the question oftentimes comes up, do I tell somebody I'm kinky before I, you know, like, do I put that on my profile? Or do I wait until I've met somebody I like and introduce them to the top? There there there was a time I would have said, you know, on a non kinky dating site, don't say a word. Mhmm.

Okay? Now, I am at a point in my life, like, no, I wanna cut to the chase. Yeah. Let us weed out the people who cannot handle this information. I I I you know, yeah. You know, one, the people who don't want it, you know, they're like, okay, and they they keep going. And, you know, it it it it's a matter of I yeah. I I don't want to thresh the wheat, so to speak. I do not want to waste my time. Yeah. You know, just just get down to business, get down,

you know. It may sound a little impersonal in a way, but, you know, the the dating sites I have not used a dating site. Alright? I I have heard people talk about it, both personally and and social media, about how it it's it's a cesspool to navigate. So, you know, I I would say, you know, yeah, be upfront. Yeah. I think the the time to to maybe question is this the right move is if you're on a dating app and you it's specific to local people and you happen to have a career that if somebody found

out, you would lose said career. You're gonna have to think about your privacy in that situation in a way that other other people will not. Teachers will know that, feeling. Anybody in, like, an official city, you know, county state government position might have to Mhmm. So in those situations, you've gotta think about it differently than the average person. There there there may be always little, you know, caveats

like that. Yes. You know, some people do have jobs and, you know, things that you boss might see or a parent of a student you teach might see you on that app, and you've got, like, I am a bratty submissive who just wants to be called good boy or whatever. Like Yep. That might not Yeah. Right. You do have to think about that. You know, a lot more people are out today Yes. Than than used to be. Yes. For sure.

You know, but that that is a a choice that they make, and, you know, it's it it is not always the right choice for everybody. Mhmm. Okay? But if you possibly can, yes, you know, be be upfront on the dating apps. So let's say you've gotten through the dreck that is trying to meet somebody new who is compatible to your side of the slash. Right? Okay. You've you're you've met. You've talked online, however you've met. Before you got here's here's our, I think, our mutual take.

There's a step from it's not I met Adam today, and tomorrow, we're going to negotiate a bar exchange. Please don't. Please don't. I'm begging you. Maybe maybe one out of every, like, 10,000,000 people that works for. But in general, it's not no. So, what we typically say is before you get to the point of power exchange, we're gonna negotiate, you're the dom, I'm the sub, please be like them as a human being and and be friends first. We are this is a I can say this for both of

us. We are huge believers in friendship first. Yeah. It can be a little bit different if we're talking casual, pickup kind of play. It's not doesn't necessarily have to be that way. But this is true if it's romantic, sexual, platonic. It does not matter. Friends first. Because when real life lifes at you, do you actually like this person as a human being and not just for the role they're playing in your relationship? Yep. Lola agrees.

So what that means, if you're meeting a new person and you're like, I think I want them to be the dom to my sub, the sub to my dom, the switch to my switch, like, whatever, is that you're hanging out and you're talking and you're getting to know one another. And, you know, hanging out can mean a lot of things. I feel like I sound very old there. JB and I, quote, hung out via text a lot. But it's just having conversations that are not necessarily

kink oriented. Part of it is kink. Some of it is the openness of knowing that you're both kinky. Kink can come up in a conversation organically. You're not trying to hide it or or tiptoe around the topic or say it in words with the other you know, you get to be more open, which is yet another reason to just if you're kinky, say you're kinky and you're looking for a partner who is either gets it, interested in it, aware of it, whatever. Right?

But, yes, please please please please, before you negotiate the power exchange, make sure you like this person as a human being and you would want to be around them. Let alone let them have power over you or do things for you or whatever. And and, you know, there there's a thing that you want because oh, hello. Lola came in like a wrecking ball. Yes. She did.

You know, one of the things you wanna think about, you know, in going into a kink relationship, I I said this early on, I'm gonna say it again right here and now, building a kink relationship is like building a house. You need to have a solid foundation. Mhmm. K? Communication, trust, respect, honesty, those are all things that are built on

for the DS relationship. And it is tough when you're meeting new people because we have all, I think, had a situation, some more than others, of this person claimed to be a thing, claimed to be a certain type of person, and then you find out later that they were a big liar liar pants on fire.

And a lot of people, you know, will reach out to us and basically, like, try to find the magic formula to kind of make sure that they don't get caught with a liar liar pants on fire, and there is no magic formula. The way I I look at it is pay attention to what they say, pay closer to attention to what they do, and then focus the fuck on how consistent they are. Because a liar can do the right thing once, maybe twice, but they're not gonna be consistent. Things. Yeah. Right. Right. Exactly.

So you're looking at do I feel like I can trust them, and are they providing consistent proof that I can keep trusting them? At some point, you're gonna have to make a leap of faith if, you know, they're kind of checking all the right boxes for you. Mhmm. Okay. I gotta I gotta move this forward a little bit. I'll give them a chance and let's see what they do with it. Right? But that's how you know. And you won't you will have your own internal system for is

this the right partner for me? And that person will check all the boxes, and they can still be a raging asshole liar liar pants on fire. Abso fucking lutely. Those people exist. They're just really fucking good at it, and that is terrifying. There's no way to completely guard against the heartbreak and the devastation of what a person like that can do to you. But you kind of put systems in place to go, okay. I know what I want from them. I know what they're

saying. I know what they're doing, but what are they doing over time? Let's give this a chance. She wants to. JB's gotta go let Lola out who she is no longer swaddled and no longer being a calm girl. Now, when JB gets back to the microphone, let's flip to the people in an existing vanilla relationship and 1 or both of you have had that light bulb moment of, oh, shit. We're kinky, and we wanna do this thing. So, typically, it's one partner figuring out they're kinky Mhmm.

Or getting interested in kink in some way or being curious about something to do with kink or power exchange or whatever Yeah. Bringing it to the other partner and the terror that tends to go with that. That's tough. That is tough. That is very tough. You know, you want to be careful how you approach it. Mhmm. Mhmm. And what I mean by saying that is, you know, when you discover this, you do not go running up to your partner and say, look, I found this. I want

you to do this to me. Put me over your knee and beat the shit out of me. Yeah. That's usually not gonna go the way you're envisioning that I That is gonna go. Okay. You know, that that is that is not gonna work. You know, you you you kinda gotta feel it out and, you know, I I think really the best way to do it is to kind of, you know, approach the other person. Hey, you know, have you heard about erotic spanking? Do you do you know

anything about it? Right. I I came across it and it it seems like it might be something kinda interesting. Wanna talk about it? Right. That's one way. The other thing I like to do, if you're really uncertain about how your partner is going to react to the idea of kink or if they've had a not so great reaction in the past, I like to, advise asking hypotheticals. I heard about this thing. Insert the kink you're interested in. Have you ever heard of

that? What do you think? We, you know and sometimes they're gonna go, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Yeah. And sometimes they're gonna go, oh, I've heard of that kink thing, and they're not gonna have a good connotation for it. And and you gotta navigate that. But sometimes and this I have noticed I noticed to a degree that it was a pleasant surprise.

If you happen to be in an, like, long term established relationship that is relatively happy and healthy, obviously, there's like, we'd I'd like to be doing different things because I figured out I'm kinky. Those folks, more often than not, when they approach their partner about kink, their partner reacts in the way that they're they would react to anything else that they that you bring something to them in an open way, in a curious way, in a nonjudgmental way, in a I don't know about that.

What do you know about that kind of way? And Lola really has opinions about it this week. So that, yeah, they might not know what you know, and they might not know how they feel about kink yet, but really long term established relationships, again, that's already relatively happy and healthy, it the that switch over tends to be a lot smoother than you anticipate.

Now the one thing that, we have I have been told about, and I believe I think it's safe to say JB has experienced is, if you have been telling yourself that your relationship is probably air quote fine, but it's really not. You it's not actually that surprising when what happens is you go, hey. What do you think about this kink thing? And this person you're calling a partner, has a devastating response to it. Negative. Like, not just I'm not interested. Not just I think that's gross.

Not just what do you mean, but more of a judgmental towards you Mhmm. Reaction. JB experienced that himself. Let us not be shocked that that relationship did not last that much longer after that occurred. Because presenting an existing partner with and to them or maybe even to you, quote, out there suggestion can sometimes, give a painfully clear indication of how good things are not in your relationship.

But in general, if this is your best friend, you would call them your best friend, this is your true partner, and you've been through hell and high water together, you know, I would say more often than not, you don't need to be scared about bringing it up. Yeah. You not might need to be delicate. Right? Like Jamey said, do not rush up to them and go, guess what? I want you to, like, fuck my throat tonight. Some people you could spring that on, but not everybody, right?

And you also have to be patient. And that's the thing that I think trips up a lot of existing relationships when they're making that switch. When one partner starts exploring, maybe they read some fiction, maybe they came across a video or a podcast or they they whatever. Right? A movie. Something. And you're like, hey, wait. This has pushed a few buttons and I like it. You go on an an explorative journey. Right? Like, what does this mean? What do I think about

it? Where can I learn and read and consume information about it? And unless your partner is going along on that journey with you, maybe just a a day or 2 behind you, you're gonna come at them with a lot more knowledge than they may possess. Every once in all, I've had folks tell me, oh, yeah. I was terrified to tell my partner that I think I was kinky. I wanna try this kink thing. And then come to find out, they had done kink, like, decades before and just didn't think I was into

it. Right? Like, most of the time, you're gonna know more than your partner does, and so what you have to do is have the patience to let them catch up and let them figure out what they think about this. Sometimes they're gonna figure out what they think about it by participating with you, and sometimes they're gonna be like, I gotta go, like, learn about this. I gotta go I gotta get some information. I gotta go talk to somebody. I got whatever. Right?

That I find in the conversations I have with people, especially submissives, but not always, is the patience part of I'm really excited to do this, and I I gathered up all of my courage to tell you, and you didn't freak the fuck out. But so tomorrow can we have a power exchange? Can we can we do DS? And it doesn't usually work that way. You you know, there there is a lot more to all this than meets the eye.

A lot of lot of little, nuanced stuff, you know, especially when you're getting into a a DS relationship. And, you know, yeah, that that ugly patience word, you know, you want to take your time. You you want to, you know, jumping into it has its own repercussions sometimes. But, you know, the the main thing with this, you don't want anybody to get hurt. Right. And you You know? Only mitigate that as much as possible. And you mitigate it, and you do what you can to mitigate it, you know.

So, you know, yeah, you you need to to tread the water lightly Mhmm. In the beginning, so to speak. Conversations with an existing partner are gonna start with first of all, my recommendation is don't don't have your partner drink from a the fire hose of kink. Yeah. Do not try to take them on a journey of what does BDSM and power exchange mean all in, like, one conversation. Unless they have a background and a and a baseline of understanding, that's a lot. That's so much.

You know, start with a thing you're very interested in doing with them. That might be power exchange. It might be just a bit of kinky fuckery. It might be spanking. It might be rope. It might who knows? Who knows what it is? Start small in the conversation, and then be prepared to have multiple conversations. Because you're gonna present some information. And depending on how your partner processes information, they might wanna go away and think about

it. They might have questions. They might wanna be like, give me give me till this weekend. I'll I'll get back to you with, like, whatever my brain comes up with. Right? Yeah. The other thing is, like any other important conversation you have in your relationship, you timing is everything. True.

You know, the in the chaos of getting ready for work in the morning or if you happen to have kids, dealing with whatever kid thing is going on, first of all, please do not have conversations about potential kink and power exchange in front of children who are not adults. And maybe just not in front of your children at all, unless you just happen to have that kind of life, and I know some folks do. Can't imagine it couldn't be me. But it's more of a, hey, there's something

I wanna talk to you about. No, it's not for our anxious folks. No, it's not a bad thing. When do you think we can do that? Right? Like, wanna go get coffee? You wanna can we do it tonight after dinner? Like, find a time when you can both focus. And, as an anxious girly myself, I am very fond of, practicing what the hell you wanna say. Make yourself some notes. Put it in your in your note app

on your phone. And if your partner knows you, they're probably not gonna be surprised you were like, hold on. I gotta pull up my notes app. I'll be reading this to you from here on out. Right? Like, just be yourself, but do not think you have to show up to this conversation as if you are about to give a performance on stage and you have to know every single line by heart, like, to get take the help where you can get it.

And be prepared for questions. Do not think you have to know all the answers to the questions. I always like to say whatever resources you got your information from, send them there. Right? Now we all process information differently. So in the beginning of my kink journey, if somebody had asked me, I would have sent them to places to read things. But if you know your partner is not a reader, they're a listener, or a video watcher, send send them there. Right? Let them

Yeah. Let them explore a little bit on their own because the if they're willing to do this with you and they wanna try and they wanna see what can happen and, you know, they're like, yeah. Let let's explore together. You're going on 3 journeys. You're going on your individual journey and whatever your kink role and personality is. They're going on theirs with what they're gonna learn and what they're gonna want and what they're gonna figure out about

themselves. And then there's the thing you're doing together in your relationship. And so they have to have the ability and maybe the encouragement to go explore what that means to them and what intrigues them and how they feel about it. Because here is the downside. And we're talking in this series about folks who are definitely doing power exchange, but let me be very clear. Sometimes you're gonna tell your partner, I'm a submissive, and I would I want you to be my dom. I want you

to be my top. I want you to tell me what to do. I want you to take turns, like, whatever. Right? And they're gonna go off and explore or not, but they're gonna come back to you at some point and go, this is not me. It's not me. That's a different conversation to have, and and that's different. I would tell you different things than I would tell somebody else where their partner is intrigued, enthusiastic, willing, whatever whatever. That is the scary part.

You figure this thing out about yourself. You present it to your existing partner and they that's not a journey they want to go on. People still have, successful relationships with that. It's possible, but that is a that's a thing you have to just know is a possibility. Okay. So let's let's go forth from we have our new relationship. We know we're both kinky. We're moving towards power exchange. Okay. We have our existing relationship. Everybody's enthusiastic, willing,

learning together. Here we go. Alright. Let's talk about the actual process. The first thing to know is get ready to communicate, most likely in ways you have never communicated in your whole fucking life. And and the hard part about that, from what I hear from most people, I don't know even for myself and and a little bit for you, is, you know, when when you communicating at those kind of levels, you're leaving yourself kind of vulnerable, you know. It's a very vulnerable thing for

sure. And, you know, again, that that's a hard thing to do, to let yourself be vulnerable in front of somebody, you know. And, and yet, as as time goes on, as as you are, you know, moving through the through this world, you're, you know, you're learning about yourself, you're you're learning about the things you want, it does become easier. Yeah. It's a skill

thing. It's a there's a trust factor. There's a, ease with being vulnerable with each other factor, but there's just a skill thing that the more you do a thing and try to get better and improve and you learn from mistakes, the the more you improve. And it it especially with a partner you trust. I can say shit to JB now that me from 2014 could never could never. If I was going to say it, it would take 3 business days and a 600 to 1000 word email. Okay?

Like, it took Yeah. Fucking effort. And now I can probably, if I watch my tone properly, say it in about 4 words. It's the time together, and it's the practice at just saying important things, hard things, meaningful things to one another, and realizing that we're not gonna scare the other one away. Some of that comes from, you know, past experiences and past partners.

The one thing I I will say to existing relationships when you're transitioning from vanilla to kink, you are gonna have the baggage of every argument you ever had outside of of kink and power exchange. You're gonna have hurt feelings from the 1st year of your marriage. You're gonna have experiences where the old style of your relationship did not allow for this level of communication necessarily.

And you're gonna wanna fall back in to old habits and patterns, but not because you like them, but because they're familiar and the familiar is easy. Comfortable. Right. At the same familiar and the familiar is easy. Comfortable. Right. At the same time, new relationships, you're coming with everything that's ever happened to you in other relationships prior to meeting this person. Mhmm. Which means you're coming with your lack of communication skills if that's a thing that you struggled with.

Mhmm. The thing about kink power exchange or just kink in general, it does not matter. In order to do it in a relatively safe, air quote that word, a risk aware, way so that it is good for everybody, requires some deep level work on yourself. Because you gotta not only figure out what the fuck you want, you then have to figure out how to effectively communicate to somebody and do it in such a way that if they don't understand the first time, you can go back and go, no. No. No. Let's let's

clarify. Let's fix. Let's whatever. And those are that's a skill, and we do not come into this world possessing it. No. And if you've been through shit where you weren't, oh, you know, you didn't feel safe saying what you thought. You had you were not raised in an environment where you got to express yourself. You've had the kind of relationships where you've been shut out and you shut down and that is still there. That is all still there. Yeah. And same. JB's raising his hand, but same.

So, one thing that we have been recommending for literal years at this point Mhmm. Is a book that I believe is also available in audiobook, if you are a listener rather than a visual reader. It's called Tongue Tied by Stella Harris. I do not reread books, especially nonfiction. I have read this book 2 or 3 times now. Mhmm. It only has 1 or 2 chapters specific to kink because the rest of the information is applicable to

to relationships because it's about Yeah. Figuring out not just, how to tell your partner what you want, but to figure out what you want and to go a little bit on that the personal self journey and then to express it to a partner. It is not the only resource out there. It's not the end all, be all, but it is a hell of a good one, especially if the communication if you struggle to communicate around intimacy and and sex, because intimacy is not always sex. Sex is not but you know what

I mean? Like, for sexual relationships, romantic relationships, this is written specifically for that. But even if you we're talking platonic, the skills transfer. Right? Like, the the skills we learned on how to effectively communicate to our children transferred how we effectively communicate with one another. What happened is we learned it in kink and then we transferred it to parenthood, but they transfer the other way too. You look like you're about to say something.

No. Oh, the other thing, and we talk about this a lot, we've talked about this a lot over the years, is while verbal communication or yeah. I can't think of another word. I know there's another word. I'm not thinking of it. Mhmm. While saying the thing is usually preferred, it is not the only way. Sometimes, you can't get your thoughts together when you've

got somebody in your face. Sometimes your emotions and your own feelings get the better of you, and you don't feel like you're expressing yourself. So writing it down Yeah. Voice messages and voice memos Mhmm. Texts, email, a shared Google Drive doc, a piece of paper, like, whatever you need to gather your thoughts, put them in a spot, and then hand them over to your partner.

Yep. Use it. It is okay. There it does not have to be effective communication does not have to be we sit across from one another, and we look each other in the eyes, and we say the thing back and forth. That's ideal. When you can do it, do it. Yeah. But if that is still a struggle, but you've got shit you've gotta say, look. We've been together over we've known each other over 10 years now. Mhmm. Less than 6 months ago, we got into a disagreement. And, good lord, I don't even

remember what it was about anymore. You probably do because you remember shit, and I don't. But I didn't feel like JB was hearing me and and getting my point and what I was trying to communicate. I don't think he thought I was hearing him. So even though we don't really need it anymore, I sure as shit wrote an email and expressed myself because I could gather my thoughts. I could edit myself. I could revise. I could go, wait. Do I think that's clear enough? Oh, wait. I forgot this detail.

Let me find you know? I could take my time. I could then send it off to him. Yep. And now the hard part is you then have to wait for your partner To respond. To take the information and think about it and respond. In the end, we had to agree to disagree on a thing We did. Which was also very frustrating. But even after all these years, that is still a tool that we will use I to effectively keep I I have woken up and found a folded piece of paper on my desk by the keyboard. Yep. Yep. Mhmm.

I know. Yep. Whatever it takes. Yeah. For some, if it's accessible to you, therapy. For some, it's dealing with your mental illnesses with maybe that's medication, maybe it's therapy, maybe it's something else. Maybe it's right? There's gonna be stuff that's gonna get in the way that is bigger than just, oh, if I, you know, learn how to communicate, this will be fine. Right? That but

that is a part of it. If there is something going on with you that prevents you from being able to share innermost thoughts that are necessary to have a safe power exchange relationship, to negotiate your power exchange Mhmm. You're you might have to do some extra work to get to that place.

Having a safe, supportive, caring, trustworthy partner makes a big difference, but that is not a cure all for whatever has gone on in your life or whatever is going on in your own wiring and brain chemistry and however you are built to overcome everything. Right? Some of that is just gonna require work. Now that does not mean you have to wait until you are quote, oh, I don't like this word, but that you are, you know, better, air quote, you are fixed, air quote, like, what is

the those are awful words. You don't have to wait till everything's just right and then go to your power exchange. What it does mean is you have to be very honest with yourself about where you're struggling and how this might interfere with, you know, trusting your partner or communicating your feelings or negotiating what you really want. And it it's a thing that you can do side by side with all of that.

Right? Like, you could be working on that stuff for yourself and learning how to talk to your partner and talking about kinks with each other and figuring out what is this thing that we even fucking want. But that's a that's an introspective, if you don't know thyself, then fucking learn thyself kind of situation. And when you have a supportive partner who, for your own sake, wants you to be the happiest, healthiest version of yourself that you can be, then that makes it a little bit easier.

It's still a lot of work you have to do on your own. You you know? First time I went to therapy, I was walking in on my on my lonesome to say, hey. I think I'm going crazy. Can you help me? I think it was perimenopause starting, but whatever. So, yeah, that that's part of it too. We there's this expectation that we're supposed to all communicate well, and you're supposed to know what the fuck that means, and it's just not true for most people. Not all of us were taught good communicating

straight out of the box. You know? They're some some people were. Some people are natural learners, but not everybody, and and that's when, you know, a book like this is invaluable, absolutely invaluable, you know. My biological family, they never talked. Still don't. Still don't. No. And, you know, when I tried to, it it just over the head. And, you know, yeah. It you you in in many cases, you have to learn it, you have to practice it, and work at it.

It, you know, it it's not something that you just snap your fingers and it happens. Right. Because communication is required for any of this to work. Yeah. You have to communicate your wants, your desires, the things you you're into, the things that you you want to get from. In this case, we're talking about power exchange, but this applies to all facets of BDSM. You also have to learn how to say, no. I don't want that.

And you have to learn how to say, I want I thought I wanted that, but now I I don't want that. The I think one of my bigger struggles as our relationship developed was figure learning how to communicate when I was upset with you. Now we've had many, many, episodes where we talk about, like, arguing and Yeah. Not being happy with one another. And many people are not effective communicators in in the middle of their their, like No. Their highest emotional, like, anger or whatever. Right?

I had to learn that it's okay to walk away temporarily Yes. Calm the fuck down and come back and communicate. Right? Yeah. My, go to was to shut down completely, stew on it internally, and outwardly go, it's fine. It doesn't matter for it then to bubble up, 6 months to a year later.

That was not healthy either. No. Because then that point, nothing is resolved or, you know And the the real trick in power exchange specifically is to figure out amongst, you know, y'all, your relationship, how you're gonna handle your roles when you're pissed at one another, and you gotta talk through conflict. Some folks do a time out. They come completely out of the role. They're just one to 1 with total equals here. Let's just say what we gotta say.

We stay within our role. So but all that means for us is that we watch our tone with one another. The the rule we have for each other is we can say whatever we gotta say. We just have to be respectful. And in power exchange, it sounds like that that's just my rule because I'm the submissive. It's a stated rule for me because I'm the submissive, but it's an understood rule for everybody. Right. Right. It's like I follow the same rules. I Right. It's a core tenant of who we are in

a relationship. Right. So we don't feel the need to come out of a role. We just walk we try to watch our tone, and we're quick to go, hey. I need a break or, hey. We gotta come back to this when we can feel ourselves Yeah. Be not being able to to stay respectful. I mean, we we set It's just very rare that now. We we set certain tenants, you know, because arguing isn't is inevitable. Mhmm. Okay? It's gonna happen at some point.

And, you know, yeah, the the thing talking with each other respectfully, make a point, you know, because let's face it. You're having an argument, it's easy to get angry and and you get angry, you say things that you probably shouldn't say. You know, make a point, you know, the the rules of engagement, so to speak. You know, we do not call each other any names whatsoever.

You know, we we don't bring up the past because past is not relevant to what we are And if something was unresolved in the past, then that is on us as adults to bring it up outside of a heated moment to resolve it. Mhmm. Mhmm. You know, you know, we we don't put each other down. Right. You know, we do our best to stay on track and and, you know, resolve what is at hand. Right. And, again, that's a skill we've learned over the years. We have sucked at it,

and we've gotten better at it. Yeah. But it's a thing you've just gotta know going into this whole power exchange thing. And I I get it. The both the new relationship the frenzy of being so excited about power exchange, whichever side of the slash you're on, you can forget shit like that. But this is why we're gonna about to go into it. It's figuring out what you want. Figuring out what you want is what leads to negotiations.

Mhmm. Communication and and being so when you're figuring out what you want and you're going to negotiate your power exchange, you are unlikely to be really great at communication yet. It's probably still new for you Mhmm. To be working on this skill. But it is important to be mindful of 1, maybe this is not a skill I have and I'm this is gonna this is gonna be tough, and it's gonna be challenging, but

it can get better. Right? Like, I'm just it's being aware of how the importance of communication. While we're on communication, before we get to the figuring out the hell what you want, another thing, and this is more for submissives, but not completely, because doms can have these too. Communication is also being able and willing to use a safe word, to nope out of something in the middle of something.

Now what that will look like in your power exchange as part of the negotiation, you talk it through of, okay, if something's gone wrong, you know, am I gonna use a safe word? Am I gonna just say stop? Like, you you need to have those conversations.

Yeah. But that is a form of communication, and I say that because too damn many submissives believe, sometimes because the dumb has made them feel this way and sometimes because they've gotten it in their own head, that safe wording in a in a scene or any situation is a failure. They're disappointing their dom. Nope. And so then they do not use that communication tool to keep themself and their partner, air quote, this as safe as possible. Right?

Mhmm. So communication is not just, let me tell you what the fuck I want and how I wanna get kinky with you. And it's not just, oh, hey. We're I thought we were gonna be, happy and in love and and, you know, in new relationship energy or in frenzy for fucking ever. And wait. We woke up this morning, and you fucking pissed me off, dude. Right? It's that's that communication. And then there is the, I have to tell you a thing that I think you

won't wanna know. Right? And it's getting over this idea that safe wording out is a disappointment or a bad thing. Here's here's the thing. As a submissive, you know, regardless of what you have negotiated for your dynamic, you still need to advocate for yourself. K? Still need to do that. You know, if if you are being asked to do something you don't want to, you do not have to. K? You know, use your safe word.

Don't, you know, if if if it is really something that is absolutely positively against, you know, hard limit that you don't do it. Or if you're in distress or if something has gone wrong or if you're like, that's not a pain I wanted to feel. There's so many reasons to use a safe word. We've done so many episodes on safe words. So oh, go ahead. You know, I I just somebody mentioned in in chat, CDC said, you know, one of the first one of their first, communications agreement was do not assume.

And you know what? That that it that it those are 3 amazing words right there, you know, because yeah. When you assume something, you that can make for trouble. Yeah. You're almost always wrong, quite frankly. Here's the thing, if you have ever been in a relationship where you thought this or a partner thought this, figure out where you're at on that, of air quote, they should just know you are setting yourself up for a world of fucking hurt because they don't know shit that you have not

told them. Are there things that we should ideally all understand as human beings and with our morals and ethics? Of course. However, in any relationship, but we talk about power exchange here, do not assume. Say it plainly. Right? Say the, here's the things that I like. Here's the things I don't like. Here's what I

can do. Here's what I won't do. Like, whatever it is, do not assume your partner is the the majority, not all, not all, but the majority of the situations we see on Reddit, people message us about, where a scene went to absolute shit and now 1 or more people are at some level of traumatized

Yeah. Will be because 1 or both partners assumed that they knew what was happening and what the other person wanted and that the other person would understand what this facial expression meant, what the sound meant, what you know what I mean? And they did not they were not clear with each other. It's gonna sound boring to some and uncomfortable to others, to be super fucking clear. I mean, I don't want to, you know, some people get touchy about, oh, you think I'm stupid

because you're telling me this basic stuff? No. I wanna make sure I know that I said it and I know that you heard it. Right. Yep. We can we have done and can do so many episodes on communication. I've linked to a couple. Let's move on to the this is starting a power exchange. What the fuck do you want? What do you want as individuals, and what do you want together? The fun stuff. Right. So let's talk resources first. Let's talk about methods. Uh-huh.

A very common one, a very popular one is BDSM checklist, sometimes called a yes, no, maybe list. We do offer 1. You need to subscribe to our newsletter, to receive that, in your email inbox. Or Mhmm. It doesn't load as a page. Either way, you can download it if you do that. What we're gonna do this week in our, weekly newsletter for folks who've been subscribed for, like, a 100 fucking years, and you don't know where your copy is anymore, we're gonna include it in the newsletter

for anybody who wants it. But you can also do a Google search for BDSM checklist. Something will come up. The other thing, this is a shameless self promotion. We actually created the 30 days of DS, now a workbook. It used to be an email series, specifically to help newer kingsters figure out what power exchange even means to them. Mhmm. And their journal prompts slash conversation starters, they're linked. But you gotta find a method to go, but what do I want and

what do we want? And how are we gonna make these things come together? And so BDSM is like drinking from a fucking fire hose. Yeah. You It can be. Will think you know what BDSM encompasses. And 6 months to a year later, you will learn about 10 1,000 other things you never thought about. So there's a lot. And and then you you gotta add in the fact, you know, when I first came into the community, it has changed quite a bit from that time. Mhmm. Exactly. So start with a position of what See,

there's 2 ways to start, I think. There is the checklist workbook, talk through what all your options could be. And for some people, that will work beautifully. Go there. For others, it's, this is the one thing I'm kind of interested in, and this is the one thing I know about that thing. Yeah. Right? And it's intriguing. So let me tell you, my partner, who's gonna do this power exchange thing with me,

what do you think about it? And if they're on board to try it, they're not like, oh, hell no. I'm not doing that shit kinda. Right? It's not a hard limit. It's not even a soft limit. They're like, yeah, I'm down to experiment. You can start there with the what you do know about. Right?

There's no right right way. The the only right versus wrong way is to assume that you know what your partner means or that they will know what you mean, and to not talk in-depth about what you're talking about trying before you try it. Somebody said in the live chat, and this is so true, especially in the early days, the negotiation is 3 times longer than the actual fucking scene. Yep. Yeah.

Because there's so much to go over. And a lot of people will say, oh, but doesn't that take the, you know, the the sexiness out of it? Doesn't that take the the fun out of it? Doesn't that take the surprise out of it? Here's the thing. There are good surprises and there are bad surprises. What you don't want in one of your first interactions with a kink partner is for a bad surprise. Nope. Nope. So you can't guarantee you will never have a not so

pleasant surprise. Mhmm. But the best way to mitigate that is to get real, real, real detailed in your conversation about what this is gonna look like. Mhmm. From a power exchange, perspective, that's conversations about, okay, what what's your role? What's my role? What do those words mean to us? Mhmm. How do we think we envision this moment in the bedroom, this relationship, this whatever, right? What do we think that

looks like? You're gonna each have your own individual way of looking at that, and what you're looking for, what you're trying to do in all of this is take the thing you want, the thing they want, put them together, and find the Venn diagram in the system. Ground. Yep. What do we both want out of these things, and how do we make that work? Mhmm. I am a big, big fan of starting real basic and real small.

If I was a, like, a baby kingster today and I knew that spanking was, like, super intriguing, the first conversation that I had with a potential, you know, spanker is gonna be, okay, how how hard, how fast, just, you know Mhmm. I'm scared of all these other things. What's the minimum we can do? Right? Which is usually your hand. You know, you're gonna get real detailed, real descriptive because, again, you're not going to assume.

Mhmm. No assumptions. Nope. But you gotta have a a starting point of what are we even talking about. One book that we like, I believe it's still on Amazon, is Kinktionary. Mhmm. Which is just a a friend a kink friend and a fellow educator, put it together several years ago, and it's just a bunch of terms Correct. Defined so you have this sort of understanding of what these things even are.

Mhmm. There is probably not a broad king term on the planet that doesn't have 10,000,000 resources to learn what that even is Mhmm. And what that might look like. But you're you know, you you go, okay. This is my person that I'm gonna do the power exchange with, however y'all have met. You go, okay. I I'm not good at it yet, but I'm gonna have to communicate and, like Mhmm. Even the uncomfortable stuff. And then it's like, okay, but what the fuck

do we wanna do? And you can decide a thing on day 1, and both of you get to change your mind at any point. Absolutely. Absolutely. You know, when when, you know, when any point. Absolutely. Absolutely. You know, when when when Kayla and I were coming together, there were things she told me right up front. She's like, you know, this is these are hard limits. I I this is what, you know, I do not like this. This this is something I have no intention of trying.

You know, okay, there there were a couple things she said that I was mildly disappointed about. But, you know what? I never once went to her and and said, can we do this? I want to do this. I can I really want to do this? Can we? Yeah. No pressure. Pressure's not cool. Yeah. You know, and you know, I I never even went back to her and said, you know, man, I I know it's been a little bit of time. What do you you know, still feel the same way about this?

But what did happen was over time, as we became more familiar with each other, we we seen more, you know, we did more together, you became more comfortable with me, you know, the the trust was there. You came to me one time and said, you know, I know I said this was a hard limit for me, but I think I'd be willing to try it at least once. Mhmm. My experience is not always not for everything. Sometimes we just know on a visceral level that thing is not for me.

But what happens not infrequently is that you have a picture in your head of what something is because you've seen it depicted in a certain way. Mhmm. And in your mind, that's what that thing is. And so that might that's your hard woman. I don't wanna do that thing. Yeah. The more you learn about BDSM, the more you see what other people do, the more you just discover all of this, the more you realize that for any single activity you can imagine, there's

a million ways to do it. And it's entirely possible that you don't like 999 ways of a 1,000, but there's that one way and and you're willing to explore it. But those things come with time. We did a whole episode on even though for some people it's very eye roll worthy and cringey to call BDSM a journey, it it is. It's not a destination because the thing you decide with your in your power change on day 1, by day 100, it might not even look like that. We started with a very platonic power exchange

Mhmm. Yeah. That morphed over a brief amount of time to a romantic and sexual power exchange. We had a long distance power exchange that looked nothing like our in person power exchange. And the in person power exchange we envisioned for one another in June of 2014 lasted about 10 minutes. And by July of 2014, we were doing something completely different.

And here we are now, 10 fucking years later of living together, and our power exchange today, and the things we're in into and the things we're interested in, things we wanna try, it's just not even the it's it's night and fucking day in some ways from, you know, when we first moved in together. It's all going to morph and change because your your life is gonna morph and change. You're gonna be in different seasons of life where certain things are or are not possible.

You're gonna learn more, so then you're gonna be like, oh, I didn't know that thing was a possibility. Certain things may not interest you anymore, and then they go by the wayside. You're gonna have physical and, potentially, mental health issues that crop up between you, whether from just life stress or something else. Mhmm. And you're gonna adjust from that, and it's it's it's a journey because it is changing, and you are moving forward with no there's no finish line

to cross. Right? Like, it's a thing that just develops and shifts and morphs over time. So when you're getting started, you're like, okay. I gotta I gotta get good at communication. This is this is a thing. Mhmm. Oh, I've gotta figure out what the hell I even want.

Getting started, we it's easy to put a lot of pressure on ourselves that the day 1 of power exchange, when you've talked about it, you've negotiated, you've got your person, you've made a plan that you think that this plan is the plan you will live with for fucking every You might not make it 24 hours of that plan. Because the thing about getting started with the thing is you're gonna do the thing in the way that y'all talked about and you envisioned that you would do this

thing. And 1 or both of you can go, oh, that was not realistic to our life right now. Or I thought I would like that better than I like that. Mhmm. And we said this literal fucking years ago, god, almost a decade ago, that to us, negotiation is just a very fancy term for communication. Mhmm. And so when you negotiate this power exchange, you've gone through the steps of here's my person, here are the things I want, we're gonna practice our communication. Mhmm. You don't negotiate in your one and

done. You are constantly, consistently, in some form, negotiating how this will work. Because negotiation is, hey, daddy, you know the that thing about kneeling at the bedside every night? Yeah. My knees are screaming at me. Can we address that? Yeah, baby girl. We can. Oh, baby girl, you know that thing about how I'm gonna give you, like, a blistering, spanking every night? I do not have the energy for that.

Let us adjust this way. Right? Like, there's gonna be situations that happen that are one offs, and then there's gonna be things you figure out that your body can handle, that your mind can handle, that you like, that you don't like. Mhmm. There's gonna be the seasons of life where, like, the kids are kidding, the parents are are parenting, the job is jobbing, you know. Right. And it's all gonna be the best. Right. Which is why we go back to the thing we said about get ready to learn how

to fucking communicate. Right. Because, like, I our power exchange right now is primarily that JB is the decider. Capital t, capital d, trademark, the decider. I have that's his main thing. The things I do as a service submissive are not daily directed by him. He's not coming up to me on the hour, every hour, make my coffee, do this thing. We set up a routine that I could do, and I knew what was expected of me, and I just fucking do it. And if I don't do it, then we have to have

a conversation. Yeah. So here's a real life such example of this. He is the decider. I have my rules that I follow, my tasks that I do because that is best for our power exchange. Communication means that if something has happened, I have a migraine. I'm not gonna be home at this time. Something is going on with my body that will prevent me from doing the thing that I've agreed to do as a submissive. Communication skills and negotiation means I have to go, hey, daddy.

I have a I have a blinding migraine right now. Yeah. I'm not sure I can bend over the bed and get my ass beaten tonight. Mhmm. Now we are in tune enough with one another that he is paying enough attention to go, are you feeling okay? Usually long before I say I don't feel good. Right? Yeah. And so we're having those conversations and doing a day to day negotiation Yeah. Of what is this going to look like. Most days, we are not even talking about. We're just doing our thing. Just do it.

But some days, you have to have a real brief conversation and adjust things. That's the that's the importance of the commute this the communication skill. It's also the importance of the flexibility of the thing you think you're gonna do on day 1. I hope you can. I hope you knock it out of the park first try. You're like, yep. This list that we typed up so we would could both reference it. That's a a thing you can do when you're setting up your power exchange.

We do every single thing, and it we're 6 months on, and that that's what we do, and we love it. If that's you, I am very happy for you. But let me tell you, you are the exception, not the rule. Because most of us go, I think I would like this. And the reality goes, I'm a need you to sit down and shut up because you're not getting that. That's that's not happening for you. Mhmm. And a lot of time, you're gonna go,

oh, I thought I wanted that. I don't I don't think that works for me, or I don't that doesn't feel the way I thought that was gonna feel. Yeah. Or that doesn't work for our life. Like, I think we thought when we moved in together, there would be a lot more fucking scenes. Oh, yeah. No. No. No. And it's it's actually dwindled over the years. Yeah. Because life just keeps lifing. I know. So with the getting started as our final thing Mhmm. Because this is

such a big topic. It is. And we only, like, have 4 main points and it's still not enough and I could still talk for literal hours. Why do you think we have 409 fucking episodes? Yeah. The getting started thing is you start small and slow. Yeah. I like to say, look at your mutual list of things you wanna try. You're like, yeah. We can do those things. Find the one that you both are super excited about. The thing that you're like, oh, hell, yeah.

That'll feel good. Now that might be a kinky fuckery scene thing. It might be a power exchange y thing. Right? It might just be, you know, using your titles and your labels with each other. Like, the first time I JB was sir before he was daddy. The first time using that can as exciting as it might be, can feel awkward. It it takes some getting used to. Does subfrenzy sometimes make that a little bit easier for some of us? Yes. Because we're just delirious with excitement.

But when we switched from sir to daddy, first of all, it felt natural. Like, internally, I was like, this is the right term, but it was still a weird thing. You can literally start that small. What are your titles? Where are you gonna call one another when it's appropriate to do it? Like, you might not use those titles in front of

And, kids or work or whatever. But, you know, when you're a little And what's funny now, fast forward to to to to the here and now, is that you don't even like using my given name anymore. Does not I have not for years. It does not feel right in my mouth. That makes trying to get his attention in public very difficult. I will not say daddy to him because so there was a time when our age difference looked a lot vaster than it really is, and people would think that he was my actual father, and

that really piss I don't like that. So I was never gonna call him daddy in public to get that, you know, whatever. And now I look closer to my actual age, and he's aging like a fine fucking line. Oh, please. And so if I say daddy, now we're gonna get looks I really don't wanna deal with. I get I get comments on Instagram from people that see my demonstrations. Oh, look at that sweet old man talking about. Sometimes I just think Instagram needs to be, like, thrown into a volcano. Okay?

Good god. I've got 2 people arguing on one of our posts I know. Right now. Anyway, so I don't use daddy in public. That's a between us. That's a sometimes in front of y'all and sometimes not. John Brownstone and JB, that is mostly a here and in this context. With the kids, because he met them when they were very young, he was mister John. So mister John became a title. But they're like around my family. I don't know that the kids are older. I don't

call him mister John. That would be weird to be talking to just my mother and not a single child around and go, yeah, mister John. No. That doesn't make any sense. You'll have to say John. But when we're in public, there's, like, 85 Johns in any given establishment. And he was not hearing me even with his hearing aids on, and I'm going, John. John. And I'm hating it. It, like, it literally feels wrong in my mouth. And finally,

JB. And he whipped her out. I'm like, I guess that's your new name in public, man. So yeah. And but so you can start as small as let's practice trying our labels tonight. Yeah. Let's start with depending on how your power exchange will do it, it's very common for people to do something like kneeling for a submissive. We have talked about this in the past. Kneeling is not a requirement. Sometimes your body just will not let you. It's fine. You can find other things. I don't kneel anymore.

If I do, it's for about 30 seconds and then You you you kneel for a while, then we went to a pillow. Yep. And then And now I just bend over. Bend over the bed. Bend over the bed. Yep. You you'll find a thing. Maybe it's, the some some power exchange folks like to do a a ritual that tells your brains, we are stopping our vanilla day, and we

are going into our kink life. Right? We just live it all the time because of the nature of our lives, but for some folks one of the one of the most common things I've heard is that, you know, when, somebody comes home from work, you know, especially if you don't have kids, you know, when the submissive comes home, their collar gets put on. Right. And that can be a thing you can literally start with because all of this is new habits.

It's new things you're doing Yeah. That you probably did not do before, or you did, but you didn't label them in a certain way, and you didn't ritualize them. Right? So to get started, you've you've gone, I've I've got my person. I'm prepared for communication. You're never prepared. You don't know how much communication there is until you're in it, but tell yourself that. We think we know what we want. As of this day, this moment in time, this is what we our Venn diagram.

Now we've gotta get started. Start with the exciting thing and start small. Mhmm. And just remember, you are building habits and routines. I say that to say, dominance out there who are gonna do submissive training, have expectations of their submissive is gonna, you know, behave in new ways, act in new ways, form new routines around the power exchange,

I'm gonna need y'all to be patient. You are asking a person who has lived their life a very specific way for however many years you've been on this planet to upend that and do something different. And it takes time to retrain the brain. Mhmm. And in the middle of it, you might find that the things you thought were okay, like we said earlier, you're like, no, this is not working, and you're gonna have to have that conversation, negotiate, and adjust it.

And, yeah. And I want submissives to be patient with themselves. You are literally changing the way you're living some portion of your life. You are not expected to be perfect right out the gate. Now sometimes, frenzy and excitement and new relationship energy and all those good, like, endorphin things going on will propel you forward, and it'll be a little easier. Eventually, it becomes mundane. Eventually, it becomes routine. Eventually, you're like, this is my life now.

It's a little less exciting than it was 6 months ago. It's still good, hopefully, but the excitement is just it changes over time. And so now it's the, is this what I want? You know? Am I gonna do this even when I'm uncomfortable? Am I gonna speak up if I'm uncomfortable and don't? You know what I mean? Like, it then we get past the getting started stage, and we're in in the thick of living it. I could keep talking and yet we cannot.

No. It's why I included so several links in the different places depending on how you're listening or watching, but also and I'll I'll go back and add this to YouTube, and I'll include it in the show notes. We do have pages on our website, lovingbdsm.net, that is, like, new dominance, new to submit new to dominance, new to submission, I think new to DS, and we have resource links there. We are not the end all, be all, so, you know, There's the Pink Ink podcast. There's

Evie Lupine on, YouTube. There's all there's it's a guide. There's geeks and geeks. Yeah. There's all kinds of resources, and you're gonna learn something different from each resource that you Everybody has their own perspective. And everybody has their own way of doing things. And and and there's nothing wrong with that. That's good. You know? It'd be kind of boring if everything was the same, you

know. And the thing is is the resources that you follow, you listen to, you read, you watch, like, however you consume and learn stuff. Take what, there's a word resonates with you, reject the rest. You do not have to do it specifically like anybody else for it to be correct. For very, very new folks, there is an expression that those of us who are chronically online know, and that's one true way ism, where it's there's this one true way to be a dominant or ism or to do d s, and all of

that is bullshit. So the more people you can learn from, go to a munch if that's an option for you. Join a Discord if that's an option for you. Right? The more that you can get exposed to the different ways people do this, the more you'll get ideas and and and something will make sense to you and click with you and go, yeah. I'd like to try that. Oh, no. That's fine for them, but not

for me. Right? You'll Mhmm. So, just as a recap on the resources that we've mentioned, they are all linked in the places, but, Tongue Tied by Stella Harris. Mhmm. Highly recommend. Yep. Oh my gosh. Yep. We have 3 days of DS. We have 2 workbooks. 1 is for beginners. Volume 2 is for established power exchange folks. We have a BDSM checklist when you subscribe to our newsletter. Mhmm. If you are already subscribed to it, you're going to get a fresh copy,

in the Friday newsletter. Mhmm. But you can do a Google search. We can we have in the past talked about contracts. They are not required for some people. That works really well. They want that formality. Yeah. For others, it's unnecessary. We literally we like things written down when we don't have them memorized yet, and it's not part of our routine. So our very first agreement negotiation was a shared Google Doc. Yeah. It can

be that simple. Yeah. So, yeah, this is the first, and then I don't know how long we'll do this series. Certainly through the month of September, that is the plan, of getting started with your power exchange. Does it feel like a lot? It is. It it really is. It can be broken down into steps. Mhmm. You I'm I'm begging you to take your time. I'm begging you to take your time. Make sure you actually like this person you're trying to power exchange with.

That helps. And start with the fun stuff that you like, both mutually are like, yeah. That's super exciting. Yeah. Take some of the pressure off some. And, yeah, just get ready to communicate your fucking heart out. Oh my god. Oh my god. We have gotten so good. I don't know if good is the I say, like, not even relationship stuff, just life stuff. I say to JB that I have never said this man knows more about the things I do in a bathroom than any other human being has ever known about me.

I know all of those intimate details about him Right. Because we've gotten so comfortable with just telling each other things that I realized after the fact, I was like, why did I say that out loud? Why did I feel like that was the detail to communicate? And then because he didn't bat an eye, he was like, oh, okay. Just took it in and then started sharing some details with me. We just kept it going. Does that mean that you could go too far? Probably.

So, yeah, that's but like I said, on our website, we have we have pages for newbies Yeah. With a lot more links than we've included in the places. So if you are figuring this out and trying to get started Yeah. Hopefully that will help. Mhmm. A lot of good stuff there. I hope so. 409 episodes worth. Just saying. Yeah. Just saying. So I guess we need to be done now and do a bonus section. Okay. So, are we good? I don't know. I don't I really don't know.

Keep it kinky, y'all. And we'll see you next week. Daddy. Yes, baby girl. Can we talk to the crickets? Yes. Yay. Yay. What have we got? You said you had all kinds of stuff you were waiting to talk about and we got and then here we are. I don't remember any of it. Can't remember any of it. You need to make notes. Oh, God. I make notes on everything. The 14 year old officially god. We're so late. I don't know if I should be, like, like, amused or embarrassed. I haven't decided.

The 14 year old who is 6 fucking days away from me and the 15 year old Yes. Officially starts, 9th grade tomorrow, September 5th. He's got multiple different pieces of curriculum coming. He's he is you know what? He's not excited because he's he's not traditionally a school I was a school kid who was like, please let me do school. I'm good at it. I fucking love it. I thought I wanted to be a teacher for years, not because I wanted to to educate, today's youth. I wanted to grade papers.

And then I learned that the curriculum he's gonna be using for, like, some of his core subjects this year, I have to actually grade papers, and I got super excited about it. I'm such a nerd. Mhmm. So he's not dreading it like he usually does. He's not resisting it. I've been easing him into these things. Mhmm. Today was the log in to this system and start clicking around so you know where things are. So, yeah, that's happening.

I told the 9 I reminded the 19 year old that his brother was turning 15, and he went, no. He's not for, like, 5 minutes. He's like, no. He's not. He's not that old. No. He's not. I'm like, dude. Yeah. The fuck he is. Yeah. He is. Yeah. The fuck he is. So yeah. So that's happening. We are planning what we're doing for his birthday. We do very low key birthdays. Yeah. You know, part of it is, we are not the type of people to, like, do, like, loud, big Big. Crazy things. But,

also, you know, like, budgets are small. So the kids like, I would like chocolate cake, chocolate frosting. I'm like, can do. Done. And we think we think for his special birthday dinner, it might be Popeye's. And I'm not mad about it because I hadn't had Popeye's in any way. If it's what he wants Yes. You know? Yes. If it's what he wants. So yeah. And we've gotta, like, actually get his gift, which can't say anything because child is in the house and you never know

where they're standing. And so we have picked out the gift. We just have to purchase it. Probably do that maybe tomorrow or the next night. Oh, yeah. Yeah. See how that goes. I know. The we're gonna see we're gonna see the 19 year old this weekend because he needs groceries again. Yeah. And we need to go to Walmart for him. So, that's happening. He eats like a damn college student. Jeez. Well, he needs to eat more like a damn college student. Yeah.

Because he is not a strapping young man by any stretch. He's got the form of ADHD where he does literally forget to eat. Yeah. Can't imagine. Could not be me. Me either. So, yeah, not having a parental figure to go, it's time to eat. Here is the food. He yeah. Food served. Lola is doing much better. Yes. Her eye looks almost completely normal Yeah. Now. Mhmm. She was she was like a fussy toddler for a little bit there during during this episode. Mhmm. Did we figure out what her

issue was? What she wanted? What did she want? She wanted to go in the other room. She wanted to get a drink. And when she was done drinking, she wanted to come back in. Because I heard her in her bowl from here. Lord, that's our girl. Mhmm. I could complain about things, but I don't know any anybody feels up for for me. I want to complain about the Internet, but also Yeah. We have a livelihood because of the Internet. So, like, I I you gotta Yeah. Yeah. You take the good with the bad.

So both That's okay. Go ahead. I I was gonna say that, you know, the certain comment and Which one? And conversation that was being had most recent. I'm not gonna talk about it right here and right now yet, but I had some thoughts about that. I wanna talk to you about it later. So just as a general overview, both stuff we've posted to the kinkery on Instagram and stuff posted to that fucking handle I hate on Instagram, loving d s and the number 1,

have been picked up by the Internet. And when it's on the kink side of the Internet, it's mostly good. Every once in a while, they're like, on one thing that we posted, somebody was like, oh, it can't it can't be that bad. They you know, that person has no pain tolerance. And I'm like, come here. Let me hit you with this thing, and let's let's see what what you do. But I just wanna, like, whatever whatever. But sometimes some of those things find the wrong part of the Internet, the non kink

side of the Internet. And I keep telling myself daily. The engagement is good, technically. Except the engagement seems putting us in front of more non kinky folk who are not the, hey, this I might be into this kind, but more like the, why am I seeing this kind? And I'm just like, I it's the the things we're doing on social media appear to be working, but also I'm very tired. I am so very tired of and, you know, it's one of those things we can't like, with the kinkery, I can't ignore comments

because you get customer questions and comments. Like, how does this thing work? What is it made of? So I am looking at the comments daily, like, is there, you know, is there a pertinent question that we need to answer for folks? But it means that I can't get away from some parts of the Internet that I did not ask to be a part of. And I just wanna let everybody know of every flavor of what of life. If you don't wanna see something in your algorithm Yeah. Yeah. Do not ever comment on

it. Do not send it to a friend even if you're going, what the fuck is this? Because you have just guaranteed that the algorithm is now gonna serve you up more of it. And the problem is I'm not getting into arguments with random people on the Internet. That is not my life. I'm not built for that shit. And yet, every time I wanna go, please stop fucking commenting. Block us if you need to. Mhmm. I don't give a fuck. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine.

It's fine. I've you know, in all of this with with content being picked up by the Instagram algorithm, I've only been called fat one time. So I'm gonna call that a win. Only once. And and I had somebody jump in to defend. So okay. Not about me personally, like, they knew me personally, but they did absolutely take offense to the the comment that was made. And I I was like, okay. Thank you. I appreciate that. So yeah.

I like this part of the Internet where we're talking into our microphones and looking at a camera and post a podcast. Oh, man. Those social media parts of the Internet. I could just I know. I could just do without it. I could just What are you gonna do? Do? Anything else? We had we had a good Labor Day from a business perspective. Yeah. The Kingery had a sale, and apparently, folks were as excited about it as we were. And that was that was wonderful. I had to so I'm I'm at that point where I'm

energized by being here. Yeah. And so I want to continue being here, but I don't have anything to really say. And yet I don't actually want to stop talking. Yeah. I know. But it's, I know. It's getting late. It's almost 8:30 our time. I know. Mhmm. And, I'm ready to be done with the day and I know. I'm ready to take my bra off, quite frankly. I'm here with y'all in a bra. You're welcome. And tomorrow is a non walking day. Yeah. So we don't have to walk in the dark. Don't have to walk in the

dark. And, tomorrow, you will be helping me in the shop, which I am very happy about. We're finally at a point, thank you, Labor Day sale, where I can go, here, you can have my day. You know? Yeah. Let's let's go let's go do shop stuff to get dusty and sweaty. I need the help right now to reach out. We're coming into that part of the year where yeah.

Can't do it alone anymore. The nice thing is is it's much easier to record short form video content in when I'm in the shop with you because you're, like, doing tool things and I'm like, I'm bored. Let me pull up my phone and record something. So yeah. So But yeah. I got I got nothing else even though I don't wanna go anywhere, but I we need to. I would I would also like like you. I'd like to put the day to rest, call it done. Yep. But I love being here with y'all. I

know. It's yeah. I really do. Mhmm. What maybe one of these days, I'll, like, I really will just livestream and and I'll be background noise for y'all. Y'all can just be back. You'll you'll just randomly pop up and And I'll just be working. We'll just y'all stare at me while I'm working, I guess. I don't know. Y'all will learn how much I talk to myself. I talk to myself so much. Oh, boy. Anyway Anyway. We are gonna go. Yep. Thank you for joining us and and being

here with us through this, chaotic madness. Especially to the bitter end. Yeah. We're gonna we've got several topics lined up for this series, but if there are some, like, beginner level, like, entry level questions or topics that you're like, man, I wish more people talked about this, feel free to, like, slip those in the comments contact page on our website. It might be something we're already gonna do, or it might be something we can incorporate. We're happy to do it. Yep. Yep. Yep. So yeah.

Mhmm. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Alright. Okay. Alright. Bye. Is it good? Yep. Bye.