Silly Conflicts in Our Power Exchange

You're listening to Loving BDSM podcast episode four twenty eight. Kayla Lords here with the one, the only, the oh my god. You're so fucking frustrating, but I love you, John Brownstone. That's me. Yeah. In a nutshell. Uh-huh. And and it's on theme for today's time. You know that works both ways. Right? You

know, I'm a giver. I, I just wanna give you everything you need, you want, and things you think you don't I never even knew I'm And the things you think you don't need or want, but they really are good for you. Mhmm. Sure. On with the show. You know what? This actually is in line with today's episode. You're right. That's a sad news. We know that we could use some lighthearted moments right now as the world burns around us, but but and not but. And we thought you could too.

So let's talk about the nonserious, silly. They're not really arguments. It's not really conflict, but it's Poignments. It's it's the push and pull and small frustrations, that I have found in power exchange specific to power exchange. These are not this is not arguments I would get into with anybody. That one. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this is your first time listening, glad to have you. If you're back for another week, welcome

back. Loving BDSM is produced every Monday and Friday for your kinky pleasure and education, and show notes are found at lovingBDSM.net. Come back often and feel free to add the podcast to your favorite podcast app. You can also follow the show on FetLife at loving BDSM PC. That PC stands for podcast, y'all. On Instagram and technically threads at that handle I will forever fucking hate. Loving d s and the number one. So it's at loving d s one. On blue sky, at lovingBDSM.

All the stuff they put in handles. If you just search, lovingBDSM, we'll show up. Or on YouTube at youtube.com/lovingBDSM where you can watch us live from the podcast every Wednesday. All links are in the show notes. Okay. Looking good. Hopefully, no more technical issues for the podcast. Okay. So, the main and the only and the most important, announcement is just a reminder that we are still in our 2025 Patreon membership drive. Why do I give so

much time? Because people have money come in and out at really weird times, and I wanna give everybody an opportunity. But as of the date of recording, February 5, there are ten days left if you wanna take advantage of the membership drive. So why should you join, during the membership drive? Well, if you are a member as of February 15 at 11:59PM eastern when the drive ins, you will receive, something extra and special, for being a member during the membership drive.

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link is in the places. Mhmm. That's all I can think to say about that. We hope you can join us. If you're able, we we understand. If you are not able to do that, like, that's not in your budget, dude, we get it. If you ever wanna just, like, help out the channel, help us out, help us keep being weirdos on the Internet who try to help other kinksters, just share, like, an episode that helped you or, you know, mention us to your kink friends or whatever,

and that is truly, truly helpful. So that's all I have to say about that. K. And we will get into what I hope is, a lighthearted episode because I think we could all use it. I think we could all use it. It's a little chaotic out there. So, these are not I call them conflicts. I call them arguments. They're really, really not. When we're talking about them amongst ourselves, I say that we're fussing at one another because I'm Southern and that's a term we use as fussing. Okay? Yes. It is.

They are never at the level of genuine frustration, like, we have to go into separate rooms and cool off. No. Typically, when often it's me, but not always. One of us breaks the tension. We end up laughing at ourselves because we're being silly. But I have noticed that there are at least two that feel very much, like, power exchange y. I'm sure it can transfer to other types of relationships. I'm sure it does. But these, for me, are very specific to our power exchange.

And I just thought we'd talk about it. We'd, you know, dissect it a little bit because I like to do things like that. Because I am a weirdo on the Internet with a microphone. And we'll just keep it light. It hell, this might be a short I might have everything I need to say in twenty minutes. I don't know. I might go two hours. May the odds be ever in your favor. I don't know. I did, man got a pillow. Do I take a

nap? You're part of the conversation. Are we gonna do one of these silly little conflicts in front of everybody? That's one. That's one where I feel like I have to be a little not assertive. That's where not aggressive. Assertive. And he just laughs. And then I get, like, am I coming across as too assertive? This was not in my notes, but they were like, am I being too assertive? He's laughing. So clearly, I was not. But also, I I don't I'm not comfortable talking to

anybody like that. But also now I'm frustrated because, come on, could we do we get the same fate? Go ahead. So I did try to take notes because these happen at really random times and relatively infrequently. So they're not top of mind. They're not super we're not, like, having, like, a a check-in with one another after these. Like, it's not it's just it's not to that level. It is just people being silly. So let's let's do the first one that actually inspired The this. Okay. Alright.

So we're we're talking about a thing. It could be picking a movie to watch. It could be where do we wanna go for lunch. It could be a thing we're going to do. Okay? And we each have a different like, we would each choose something different. But JB is the decider. And so I do a thing that I don't know if y'all ever seen me do before. I'm sure you haven't. I interrupt him while he's trying to tell me what he's decided because another thought popped up.

And he takes that information in really fast and then clearly changes his mind. Clearly, like, he was gonna say a and now I added this thought, he's gonna say b. D. No. You haven't done that yet. You're about to see some silly conflict because he is clearly in a mood. Okay. So he was gonna say a. I interrupted, blurted out some new information about what I was thinking about, what I wanted. So he changes his what was gonna be choice a to choice b in my favor, and my brain can't handle it. So I'm

like, no. But what do you want? And he goes, we're gonna do this. I'm like, yeah, but you're choosing that for me. What do you want? Because I don't actually care. If I cared, I would have said, hey, please can we do this thing? I don't care what the outcome is. What do you want? And he goes, well, this is fine. And anybody who knows what I'm about to say, you know. This is fine is, to me, code for, I guess I'll live with it. I didn't get what I wanted, but it's fine.

And my submissive self cannot handle it. So then we end up, I think five minutes last time, going back and forth. Now, could JB shut it down with one dumb look and an exasperated tone? Yes, he could. If he got, like, genuinely serious with me, he could he would hurt my feelings, but he could shut it down. But I don't know if you're having a good time in these interactions.

I don't know if you're letting off some of your own steam and frustration, but we genuinely went back and forth, back and forth. And I just kept going, but I want whatever you want. Let me give you what you want. And what I want is what you want, damn it. Except that's not what he said. He just kept going, but it's fine. It's fine. It's not fine. What do you want, my darling daddy dom, who is the decider of all things? And, yes, anybody who's about to, like, try

to talk sense over here. Of course, if he said that's what he wanted, then that's what he wanted because he's the decider. I know. But I'm also paying enough attention to know he changed his mind and I want him to get exactly what he wants. I do not want to be an influence on that. Except in the times I do want to influence it. This isn't one of those times. How how do those I sound like a crazy person whatever. I know. You are. I am. Part of my charm. When we're in those moments Mhmm. How are

you feeling? What are you thinking? What's going through your work? Oh, I love it. Do you? I'm almost in tears sometimes. I'm so I'm not frustrated in an angry way, but I'm like a I just wanna do it, you know. I know this is probably gonna drive you nuts when I say it, but I feel when when the when we're doing that, when we're Mhmm. I'm I'm in my element. That makes sense. It well, is it your dom element, your sadist element, or your bratty element? All of the above.

Oh my god. All of the above. Because when we're in the in that kind of mode, I can exercise all those things. So you Okay. You can see my brain melting down over its fine and you can just keep it safe. How far can I get it to melt? So we haven't talked about this in, I think, probably years. But what I'm hearing is I keep being mind fucked and not knowing I'm mind fucked. And now I'm being I'm realizing in this moment with an audience that you mind fuck me in these situations. You

look so proud of yourself. You look so proud of yourself. Oh my god. Oh my god. So what would I have to do for you to know you've gone too far? Do I need to, like I would not because I can't and I but I have to, like, break down in tears when I have to get legitimately angry? Safe word. What? You should've, like, sent me a memo. So I mean, so when you tell me it's fine, you know, it's the it's fine is making me crazy. Of course. Okay. So thinking back to that last little

back and forth. Right? Mhmm. That silly little conflict that wasn't really conflict. What did you actually genuinely want in that like, did you want the suggestion I made? Or were you so ambivalent to either one? It was like, oh, this is an opportunity to have fun. No. I I actually I actually did want what you wanted at the time. You couldn't just tell me? I got to mind fuck me. Come on. It was a lot more fun that way. Oh, bro. We have room. For you. For you.

I'm so glad I could be a source of fun and amuse it for you. I live to serve. I live to serve. I live. Hey. To serve. For all the grief that you give me. I mean, I'm not gonna say I don't give you grief. Yeah. But my grief comes in a in a, ultimately, you're gonna get what you want. I'm trying to, like, nudge that's the second one we're about to do. I'm trying to nudge you to that point. Yeah. So before I knew I was being mind fucked

here's the thing. I have no doubt that minimum half the people listening went, he's mind fucking her the moment I described it and explained it. I just need to know that some people out there did not know until he admitted it, so I know I'm not alone. Okay? We've talked about that God you are who you are, and our relationship is what it is. Because I believe every Because I believe every word that comes out of your mouth. The only time I don't is if I see the sadistic little sparkle

in your eye and I go, wait. Are you fucking with me? But he tells me a thing and I go, clearly, that is fact. And I will, you know, I will deal with that information however I deal with it. It literally never fucking occurs to me that you are mind fucking me. Never. Never. Never. I am the little duckling following him wherever what whatever path we're fucking on. I mean, until I veer off the path and he's like, get your ass back here or follows me. But you know what I meant.

Because when when I before I knew I was being mind fucked, I was thinking of it, from my perspective at least, as I desperately want to give you what you want. Mhmm. And I feel like I am somehow not doing that. Oh, but you are. Now I know. Now I know. Oh my god. I am so glad I could be both a source of amusement for you and for everybody else out there going, oh, lord. I can't wish you didn't see that one. Oh my god.

So for anybody who's like, how can I don't like to do this and how can I be, you know, my bratty self or my sadistic self as a dumb without, like, doing things I don't wanna do? This. This. Just mind fuck your partner. Just fucking mind fuck them with their own my trust in you is what allows you to mind fuck me. Yes. My absolute, utter belief in you. Mhmm. Oh, yeah. And you have no complexion. You're like, yeah. I know. I'm using that

to my phone. Yeah. So x in the livestream I'm gonna read what Silent said earlier because that was on point too. But x said in the livestream, desperately trying to give him what he wants while simultaneously getting him exactly what he wants. Yeah. Goddamn it. No. But Silent, thank you. This is a wonderful description. Silent in the livestream chat. So there are two crows in Kayla's brain. One is a people pleaser and the other has ADHD, and they cannot stop screaming

at each other. And then she goes, and clearly JB is standing between them with a bag of peanuts. Peanut. Peanut pew. Peanut pew. Peanut pew. Peanut I'm not what I'm about to say, I'm not saying to take away your fun. Have your fucking fun. Here's here's the thing. Here's here's what will happen. We will have this conversation. I feel away right now. Foolish is what I feel. And and it's funny, and I know it is. And then give it a week or two, we will be in that same back and forth.

I'll just be frustrated going, but I wanna give you what you want. And he'll go, but that's fine. Just to watch me get spun up. I will forget. I will forget every time. Folks, how many years have we been sitting in front of these mics? Ten. Okay. And and how many Nine and a half. How many times how many times have I said I live for that back and forth between us? But you speak to me. You say words to me about your wants or your thoughts or your beliefs or your I believe you without question.

If you keep like, if you were looking at me like that, podcast listeners, I wish you could've seen that little sparkle in his eye. It was a devious sparkle. If you look at me like that Mhmm. Yes. I'm gonna go wait. Something's up here. He's having way too much fun. But have you ever noticed I'm sure you have. Maybe I should learn to play poker. Probably. Well, I don't know. You get proud of yourself when the evil glint will be in your eye. That's true. I'm not sure you

have. You do with me, but I think you have a poker face with me because I'm not always paying that much attention. I'm doing several things at once. My mind is in several places at once. But I think that's the other part. When we start having these back and forths of what do you wanna do, what do you like, make a decision between a and b, and I clearly want b, and I don't know that you clearly want b either. You're fucking with me. I'm usually

doing something else. Mhmm. And so I'm not focusing on you until I get to that point of frustration. Do you remember? I swiveled my chair around. I was like, but what do you want? Right. Mhmm. Mhmm. Yeah. Excuse me, folks. Don't hurt yourself. Yourself. Okay. Okay. So now that we've all learned that Kayla can be mind fucked way too easily or reminded, some of y'all already knew you've been here for these moments.

Okay. Okay. This one happened last night. I went, oh, you have to attempt to remember this until the next morning to write it down. So look. Look. Look. I know what this is gonna sound like when I describe it. I wanna go on the record. That I do not consider myself a brat. I just I want that as not a label I use for myself. No matter how this sounds to anybody out there. So first of all, I have to set the scene for you you for where this specific example comes from. It is not the

only way this happens. It's just the most recent and it's top of mind. So I think we've mentioned this in episodes in the past. By the time we go to bed and it's like we're putting, like, we're reading at night before we go to sleep. Right? By the time we have put all devices away, we're not reading. We're genuinely kinda laying down in that last little moment before we finally go, let's try to go to sleep. We turn the sleep story on that kind of thing.

We lay there, and it's it's this intimate, like, moment of quiet closeness. We're together. And I can't handle that, so I get zoomies. If I don't get zoomies, I was I'm sick or I I'm exhausted from the day Yeah. Emotionally or physically. So most of the time, I get Zoomies. I feel like I'm do you remember the time I explained what budgie budgie was? Yeah. This is how I I feel like I'm a crazy person trying to explain our crazy shit to people. Okay. So we mostly sleep naked.

I always run hot. JB always runs cold. We have this little ritual we do where I put my humidities on him because he's cold and these girls are warm. Okay? It's a furnace under there. So we're very pressed up against one another. Try to cool the nuclear reactor. We are we're very pressed up against one another. And I get my zoomies. And so I get wickled and I move around. And for a long time, that was just what I did. He might go calm down, baby girl. Just, you know, it's time to

sleep. He might get, like, say something verbally, and I would mostly listen. And then at some point, semi recently, he started doing this thing where he would just wrap his arm around and pin me to the bed. Fucking hell. I love that shit. That was happening at around the time we were kinda starting to reconnect. Yes. Right? Because you were feeling playful again, and you're kinda getting a little rougher than you had been,

which I fucking love. I fucking love. I don't want I don't have the I mean, I will. I don't but I don't love being tied up with ropes, but you wanna pin me down in a way where I can still breathe so I don't get claustrophobic and panic? I'm here for it. Well, I might I might sometimes be somebody who has to push against the boundaries that I've been set up for her. So I will get wiggly until he pins me down, and then I'll keep wiggling just to see what he's gonna do.

I understand how that makes me sound. That is still not a label I use for myself. So last night, this this is our routine. And I can tell when he's not in the mood, he's really tired. I might get zoomies, but he's they're we're not flying. Well, just shut it down. Right. Right. But last night, I'm wiggling and wiggling, and he pins me. And then he lets up, and I wiggle and wiggle. And I'm, like, exaggerating. It's clear what I'm doing. I can't mind fucking anybody.

Okay. I know. I somehow become an octopus in the bed. Where did she get all these limbs? Why are they all moving? But it's obvious what I'm doing. I'm not I can't my fuck shit. Okay? He knows what I'm doing. I know what I'm doing. He does not pin me down. I almost start crying. He's like, what is wrong? And I said, yes. I'm clearly doing this so you will pin me down and when you don't pin me down, I think you don't care about me. So I hurt my own fucking feelings.

That's why it's a silly little conflict, Clearly one-sided. It did well, here's what I liked about it. I was able to give clear communication on a thing that was look. When I say bothering, I mean on the level of, like, it really is not a bother. It's more of a, I kinda wish that had gone different. Right? It's not a real concern. It's not a real problem. But I was, like, a little bothered by it. And I'm not used I'm there are certain things I'm not good at

communicating. I have I have to make myself do it. But when we have these moments, I do find I am communicating better because Mhmm. I think it's because I was in baby girl, like, mode. I mean, even my my voice was Oh, yeah. Looser, more relaxed. And did I pout and whine? Of course I did. So one, for just to clarify, do not consider myself a brat. We were doing a simple cause and effect here. Okay? I wiggle, he pins. I wiggle,

he pins. This is what I like. The zoomies have to be contained somehow so we could both sleep. And then he interrupted the pattern, and I didn't like that. So here's Can't give them what they want all the time. Yes, you can. I try to give you what you want when you let me. But this is different. I know. I don't like it. So in the that was a moment where you were not play acting. You were you found that highly

amusing. That was hilarious to you. But I'm curious, mostly because I like to, like, peek into the mind of a dominant that I clearly do not understand because I can't even tell when I'm being mind fucked. What are you thinking about in those moments? Is it just a teasing playful thing? Or is there, like, a process in your brain that's like It's it's a teasing playful thing. Okay? That that's really what it comes down to. And, the most that's going on in my head

is how far can I take this? Oh my god. Yeah. You yeah. My edge of the cliff is way further back than your edge of the cliff. But you know what that is? It's because I I don't want genuine conflict. Mhmm. I'm not good at the back and forth of even pretend superficial, playful arguing. Like, that's, like, that's a thing that I kinda I don't know. I don't know if it's a it's a thing my brain is just pushing back against. I don't know if it's

an anxiety thing. Like, I don't know where it's happening in my body, but my body is like, danger. Danger. Do not push too hard. And what I'm hearing is Well, dangerous for you. Yeah. But I'm, like, I'm I'm my brain or my body or my whatever is interpreting it as literal real danger and not playful danger. Gotcha. But that's also because this is one that didn't make the list, but it's very true. Depending on my headspace, and so I can't ever predict if I'll

react this way. Sometimes he can give me the dumb voice, and I kinda turn into a pouty teenager. I'm like, whatever. It's fine. I'm not dumb enough to let him hear me mumble to myself. And sometimes I push I'm not reading the room right well, and I push, and you give me right. You and it's You're poking a bear now. Right. Right. And it's so here's what's funny. This is this is my problem with conflict, and I'm pretty sure we did an episode on conflict.

Maybe a few episodes. Anyway, I'm so conflict averse that even though my logical rational brain goes, he does not hate you, He's not genuinely angry with you. He would only be angry with you if you kept pushing. You're not actually in any danger. My my anxiety leaps up like I'm being chased by lions. Okay? In the across the Savannah. And I just I oh, and that is the thing. And I don't know if I'll ever be able to do the back and forth push and pull as far to the edge as you're able

to take it. Mhmm. Because I look. All of this personality really cannot be contained, and I know it's a lot. I needed a microphone and a ten year long podcast to get some of it out. Okay? So I don't actually trust that I won't push too hard, and I won't get angry daddy dom or annoyed daddy dom. And the part of me that is the good girl You have experienced that if you don't. I don't like it. I don't like it. I don't like it. I don't like it. Like, look. This is really a conversation for a

therapist. I'm aware. But I spent all of my formative years, all of my childhood through teenage years into college desperately not wanting to be in trouble, not wanting to be perceived as, a problem. And so here I am at the ripe old age of 45, and I'm here here I come along. I know. And, you know, you'd think I'd be desensitized to it. No. Silent's right. There it's two there are two crows. And one is a people pleaser.

And just I, like, I don't even know sometimes how to handle your playful annoyance when it's not you're not even being sharp. You're just, like, you're playing, and I'm like, I'm gonna be unloved forever. Oh, god. Like, that's I know that's not true. I know that's not true. Tell my lizard brain that. And so I was proud of myself when I just, like, said to you, when you don't do the thing, it hurts not feelings. You know? He's a very giving dom. He immediately pinned me down, and I was like,

thank you. Could you put some more weight there? I could I could use it. Wrap your leg over something. But, you know, I gotta keep you on your toes if I do it every time you come to expect it. I feel like I live my whole life on my toes. I feel like the universe is doing a good enough job of keeping me on my toes. Like that? Okay. Okay. Right. I just I don't care what position you keep me in other than that. If it's, you know,

head down ass up, it'll be good. If it's flat on my back, it'll still be good. I just don't know if on my toes is where I need to be at that time. Could that be the whiny little baby girl speaking? Maybe. Maybe. Excuse me. But I do you know, part of this, it's this is how we've kind of always been. We've had this this sort of back and forth, not real conflicts, but playful, but still having there's there's slight edge of right? Whatever. I don't know what that facial expression was.

I could not podcast listeners, I could not describe it to you. I don't know what I was thinking. There we are. It's more prevalent and noticeable now because it had been So long? It had been so long since it was genuinely light hearted. Mhmm. Like, we have we are gonna make each other laugh. We're gonna do a little bit of a push and pull. You know, all of that's always gonna be there. But there, I don't think it's been as playful, which is why I haven't clocked

it. I haven't thought about it Yeah. We as something different or I mean, that that is something I have noticed between us, recently that, you know, we we get into these little, episodes, maybe. And, yeah. A few times we've, laughed so hard lost our breath. Oh my god. Recently. Yeah. I'm I'm of a life experience and age where I can't laugh laugh too hard, sneeze too hard, or do a lot too hard. I'm about to pee on myself.

Challenge accepted. Right. Exactly. And we have had I am absolutely that person who is, especially if we're standing, I'm bent over laughing. I also have to go, stop. Stop. I'm about to be on myself, and I'm cross I'm, like, clenching. I'm kegeling for my fucking life.

So yeah. Yeah. I think that in the past little bit when we've been this way, because we are this way just in there's been a little bit more of a tinge of real frustration, so it was never a actual argument, actual conflict, but it wasn't fun to think about or talk about later because there was still the kind of aspect. Okay. This third one, this is the last one I've got unless something comes to your mind Okay. That we've gone through recently. This one happens almost every fucking day. Yeah.

Yeah. And it sometimes does carry a little bit of genuine frustration because we are we are on the verge of arguing for no fucking reason. Like, it's not even playful. It's like, why are we fussing at one another? And that is whatever conversation we're talking about, whatever conversation we're having, a decision will need to be made or a plan of action. There will be some activity action that comes from what we're talking

about. Maybe it's a thing we already know we're gonna do and we're trying to, like, game out the details. Maybe it's a decision that has to be made. I don't know because it happens in every facet of every fucking thing we do together. We will be talking about it. I I think I recognize this more than you do. Okay. I will recognize that I am saying using different words, basically the same thing that JB is saying. But I'm I'm structuring it a little bit

different. I'm coming at a slightly different viewpoint. I am on step three, and he was still talking about step one. You know? It could be anything. And next thing I know, he's getting that sharp tone that I fundamentally fucking hate. Okay. Fight, flight, or freeze. Well, now I'm fighting. Okay. And he like, I JB will get a little defensive because he is hearing something that, it's not what I'm trying to convey. And so I have to go, woah. Woah. Woah. We agree.

Why are we fussing? And he always comes back and goes, I don't know. Happened today. Yep. This morning. Today. This morning. Can't remember what the hell we were talking about. Hell either. And that's the that's the beauty of those kinds of things. They're so nonsensical, unimportant. I don't remember. They're such stupid, insignificant And they're silly. Things. Yeah. I'm you know, we absolutely do have disagreements and arguments and even

shouting fights. Thankfully, that's very rare. Yeah. They're about real things. And even if I can't remember the details afterwards, I remember the topic. Right? I remember what was going on and how we got there. These small things, either we end up laughing afterwards, either just at ourselves or, like, at the situation, or we go we kind of bluster and then we move they never stick in my brain. Never, never, never, never.

Only that the fact of them, that push and pull, that I'm trying I'm trying to get a reaction. You're not giving me my reaction. I'm trying to get a reaction. Right? Those kinds of things. Or this one. This one is probably, of the three, the most actually genuinely frustrating

because I don't like to be misunderstood. I don't know if anybody's noticed around here how I am an over explainer and every thought has a parenthetical to explain some backstory to the thought, that I speak the way I write. So I I kinda know where that one comes from. It's one, I don't want the conflict. We already know. Mhmm. So I'm sensing conflict where I'm like, why why why is there conflict? We're talk we're agreeing. We agree.

We agree. We agree. Mhmm. But then there's also the oh, and I can't and I'm and I know it drives you genuinely crazy. I over explain because I think you you must be misunderstanding me. You're not getting my point. Now that is a time when you'll use your your dumb voice to shut it down and my feelings genuinely are hurt because I'm like, but I had a little bit more I need to say. And what if he doesn't understand? And he is having this response based on a thing he thought I said?

Yes. I know I need a therapist. Whatever. Anyway, so that one does carry a genuine edge of frustration, but it does depend on it's it's context dependent. If we were laughing and joking and then found ourselves in that silly little back and forth, what are we arguing about? I can even if you get sharp, I can laugh it off. Off. But if it's been a really serious tense moment and we've led into it, then it's not fun. Then it's not silly. It's silly in the the sense of

why, what is happening. This is unnecessary. But it's not like silly like, oh, I'm giggling about this now. And I just wanna do things that make me laugh about it later. That's that's my that's what I want. I we don't get what we want. I know, but that's what I want. So yeah. Here's the thing. Did this does this conversation have an absolute point? No. I I know. We need it lighthearted, and I basically am throwing this out here so that I can

so I know somebody. It might be one out of however many of you there are. Somebody can relate. Somebody has had their own similar experience and is like, yeah that happens to us too, maybe in a slightly different way. I just need to know I'm not alone. And if you are recognizing any of this in your own self, you're not alone. And I'm glad I could give that to you. Because sometimes I'll walk around here going, am I in crazy town? More so than I'm obviously in crazy town. Like,

are we in crazy town together? What is happening here? The more serious version of the we're are we're saying making the same point, saying it differently, you know, think we're in conflict is the one, and we have talked about this before, where we get into an unnecessary argument and we both agree on the outcome, but moods got heated. Yeah. And I'll kinda yell out in the middle, you know, we're we're supposed to like one another. We're on the same team here. What?

So for somebody who is extremely conflict averse, I will do that. It's a I think it's a sense of safety thing. I don't know. I don't know what it is because it it fluctuates. It shifts. Like, some days, I'm really I'm on it, and I can just tell you what needs to be told to you. And other days, I I just can't. But yeah. So those are some of our very silly little conflicts that are mostly the first two definitely are about our power

exchange. Yeah. There's no real point other than somebody out there can commiserate, and I'm not a the only crazy person. I mean, we're all crazy here, but at least I'm not alone in this part of my crazy is is what I'm I'm saying. No. Told you this to be short. I don't I we just we just needed we just needed to laugh. Yeah. Yep. We just Anyway It's fun. Is it? Is it? Yes. So I guess we'll just keep the hilarity going and go into a bonus section. I got nothing to add to any of that y'all.

I'm actually I'm emptied out. I didn't know it could happen. Here we go. 428 episodes later, I could actually just hit a point where I had nothing else to say about a topic. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Because because I didn't think there was a point. I was just having fun. Mhmm. So, are we good? I don't know. I don't know. Keep it kinky y'all. And we'll see you next week. Daddy. Yes, baby girl. A your fellow dom and sadist is petitioning for an extended bonus section. Oh. It's not me asking.

That's true. It's not. It's somebody that, you know Yeah. You're on kind of a similar level with, and I know you respect a lot, and and they have suggested it. I I see that. That that could be a a possibility. Sometimes you have to give the people what they want. Understand. I don't know that we got enough to talk about to justify an extended bonus section. We can give the Lola update. Yep. Lola had her, appointment at the Ophthalmologist. Ophthalmologist. It's okay. I'll say it for you. Thank

you. It's the service I provide. And, we we did get They had they had to get her on a scale. Yeah. And and it was she she cooperated. She is down to seventy eight pounds. And really closer to seventy seven. Yeah. Yeah. She's it's So she she is is Slowly but surely. Now you're starting to to lose some of that weight. She's got a little waistline at her back hips. It's adorable. And, as they should have, the the vet tech and the, doctor fell in love with her. Mhmm. How can you not?

Also, she did look pitiful because even though this I've never been to a vet specialist before. It's either been a busy vet's office or the busy vet's ER office, right, where it's all chaos all the time. This place was quiet. We were, to our knowledge, the only ones there. There was not a lot of noise going on. Very, very calm place. And she took one sniff around and went, fuck this shit. Mhmm. And we were dragging her down the hallway. Now did I go out out of, like, the little

jar thing they have on their desk? Mhmm. A treat. Hold it in front of her nose so she could sniff it and, like, inch towards the exam room and she kind of followed me. We just need to get a a a stick to attach to a harness with with a treat hanging off of it. Yeah. Like, carrot on a stick. Mhmm. So, you know, as silent asked if there's a goal weight. When we adopted her, she was what? 60? She was

fifty seven pounds. Fifty seven. Mhmm. She needs what the vet told us at the time is she needs to stay between about fifty five and sixty five Mhmm. To be at her healthy weight. Yeah. Yep. And she's getting there. And and I I have noticed, now and I I was kinda thinking that there was weight, you know, dropped and because I did see her, you know, moving around and jumping up and down couch

a little easier. I think if she was more active, the weight loss would I mean, I think that's true of everybody in this household. If we were more active, that would be a little easier. And, Susan asked, there's eye doctors for dogs? Apparently, yes. They're they do dogs, cats, horses. Right. And and apparently, even, like, small pets and Mhmm. Non mammalian pets. Yeah. But, ultimately, what they decided is they do not recommend surgery surgery for her right now.

Well, he he he said she does not have I think Glentropion. No. But he also said that the thing she does have this haze over her eye. We're gonna try to prevent a thing that can occur called bulla. Anybody who's a vet person maybe knows stuff that I don't know if I'm saying that right, but these they're bubbles that can actually, like, appear in, like, her eyeball. And if that occurs, she could potentially need

surgery. But he's like, she's been really lucky with her eyes so far, because we were explaining how long her eye has been this way. He's like, they haven't formed yet, the bullet, whatever they're called. We're gonna do the the drops in her eye to try to prevent them. And if it prevents them over the next six months, then you you're probably out of the woods and should be fine. Okay. So, yeah, she gets to live with eye drops. And and as for the haze clearing up,

it may, it may not. Yeah. He even said our goal is not to clear up the haze in her eye. It's to make sure these little bubble things don't form. And it's yeah. But it's Yeah. Eye drops twice a day for six months. And, you know, he he he stated, because I did ask, you know, there is nothing apparently painful Yeah. For her about with any of this. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Her she she is not blind in the eye. He said her she still has sight in the eye, it's just slightly hazed. And he said it's

mostly gonna be hazed in bright light. He's like, so in dark light when her her eyes, like, dilate and the pupils get really big, there's less of a haze. There's more pupil than there is haze. He and he and this was fascinating. He was like, I love it when they explain shit so you can kinda understand it. I liked it. He goes, in bright light, those pupils get smaller. He's like, well, then there's less more of the haze is covering.

Mhmm. He said it's probably more like if you go into a room when there's condensation and fog after a hot shower. He's like, she can see, but it's gonna be a little foggy, a little blurry. I'm like, okay. Now he, you know, they they you know, I I wanna say this about the vet tech Mhmm. There. She was familiar with pitties. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Okay? And anytime before she would do anything with Lola, Like, she had to take some pictures of Lola and and get some pictures of the

eye. She let her sniff the camera. Everything she did, she let her sniff it first. Everything she did, she let us let her sniff it first. And I'm thinking, yeah. Mhmm. That's how you do it. Like how you do it. We do. I think Lolo really wanted to like them. Yeah. Because they're vet people. They're good with animals. They've they've had us at ease. Yeah. But she was just like, I hate this place and everything about it. Yeah. I can smell the the fear. Well, she's she she has been dragged

around I know. To a lot of different appointments and and there's gonna be one more coming up. Yeah. We're gonna go back to getting her allergy shot. Allergy shot. There's a good chance that some of the problems she's experienced with her eye, because it was not the entropion with the eyelids and the eyelashes that we had no. It was not that. There's a good chance that some of the injury to her eye came from scratching because of allergies. So fun times there.

But, yeah, it was they were really nice. It was very it's not your typical not your typical vet experience. No chaos. But, also, when I paid the bill, I went, oh, that's right. This is a specialist. Yep. These are specialist prices. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. So one one of the questions he did ask too over there, he goes, you wouldn't happen to have any other animals at home, do you? Two ornery cats. So he, he said there there is a possibility. They at this point, they do not know

for sure. It's too old to answer for about. He he thinks there may be a possibility that something poked into her eye, like a a sharp, you know, like Like a cat scratch? Club. And, you know, it it did not do serious damage. It didn't go deep enough to do serious damage. I'm gonna say, she is so lucky. She is so lucky. Right. Right. So, you know, so what, it could have been caused from her playing with her toys, the way she gets she gets very aggressive She does. With some of

her toys. And I egg her on. I go, kill it, kill it, chill. I know. I do too. Yeah. So so that that's kinda She gave JB side eye for the whole rest of the day. Oh my god. When we got home, she did not wanna come right in the house. Mm-mm. She wanted to stay outside. She was so pissed at me. I don't know why she stopped pissed at me. I'm there too. She was so pissed at me. Kayla went in the house, and I was like, okay, I'm gonna let her, you know, walk a little bit. No. You know what

she did? She walked out into the middle of our street and lay down. Just and Just just lay down. I'm not moving. You can't make me. And nope. That's where that's where she She became an immovable object. Yep. Now the one thing that was it was heartbreaking, but it was also super sweet. So at the vet in the exam room, they had this bench like seat that might have been a little smaller in length as, like, a love seat or

something. Right? There was only a foot and a half amount, 18 inches max space between me and JB. When they started coming at her eyes to put drops in, to look at them, to get close, she jumped up in between this she's not she's she's not she's like her mom. She's big boned. So she ain't a small girl. She wedged herself in between us and then hid her face, like, at the back of this kinda wannabe couch thing. And, you know, they were able to manipulate her head safely so they could look at

her eyes. And she refused to be away from us so bad that even as her ass started to refused to be away from us so bad that even as her ass started to fall off the side, because there literally was not enough room for her, she, like, front legs just kept herself up. I I had to put an arm under her butt. And then when she finally hit her I cannot take this another fucking second moment, she Pushed herself behind me. Pushed herself

behind me. So I was just sitting on the edge, and she was pushing her weight into me. I don't know if it was a comfort thing or it's like, get the fuck off this couch. It's mine. Or if I stay close to you, they can't find me. I don't know what it was. Right. But I was like, okay. She doesn't hate us. She thinks we're hers we're safe for her. She wants to hide behind us. But Yeah. And it just breaks your heart because they're being kind hurt and they were in the vet the tech was even like, we're

not gonna there's no shots. We're not even taking temperature. We're just concerned with the eye. Right. And, so we understood as human beings what it was fine, but she was just she was so stressed out. She was like, I don't wanna be here. I hate everything about this. We walked into the lobby. The lobby looked like, like a human medical doctor's office. It was very, very a special to specialist office, specialty office. What are words? I don't know. Like, very nice.

And she she we were the only ones in there. She immediately noped out and went and put her nose on the glass door to walk out. She's like, we walked in this way. We can walk out this way. Way out. Yeah. Oh my god. Look, she got a treat afterwards. Okay? Yes. She did. She did. She got some munchkins from Dunkin', and they over they gave us too many, so we also got some Munchkins from Dunkin'. Yeah. But So so that that's that's kinda where Lola's at. Mhmm. Mhmm. And, what else?

I didn't announce it because it's almost over as of day of recording. By the time most people hear or watch this, it will be over. Kinkery's been having a sale, and you've been, like, running around chicken head cut off kinda mode to get the restocks done. It's been, you know, it's been good for those who can, you know, or like, yeah. Yeah. I'll buy some new toys right now while the world's on fire. But that's taken up a lot of

my time. Mhmm. Okay. I'm only gonna talk about this because I have bitched about this in the past, and I was sort of pleasantly surprised. I had my annual well woman visit where they, you know Mhmm. Do the they root around up there and make sure most all is well. I walk at first, I don't usually have anxiety over going to the doctor. Like, I mean, a kind of college disappointment is not the most fun. Okay? I I don't, but I'm usually fine. Something about it had me very anxious.

I think it was because I really don't vibe with this doctor and every other appointment prior I have felt like I've had to fight for the treatment that, you know, I think I need. I mean, I defer to a doctor's expertise, but it's like, everything I'm learning this can I try this, please? Right? And and she's she's done it for me. And this time, I walked in, they already had my prescriptions ready. We didn't even have to discuss whether I needed them. I was like, oh, clearly you need them.

She actually knew what she was in there for to do with me. I didn't have to remind her three times like I have done in the past. She just we are still not in the same, like, we don't have the same vibe, but it was such a much more pleasant experience. And here's what I I realized, and it's a thing that I think people know but you don't think about. Every other visit I'd had with her was before a knee? A knee surgery she desperately needed.

She was willing to, like, she had to be out of work for like two or three months for this knee surgery. And I'm thinking, I'm guessing that she was probably stressed, probably in pain, very uncomfortable prior to all that. She said her niece she told me, knee surgery went really well. Yes. Because I it's like talking to a completely different person. No. And I was like, okay, that's that is the power of having a completely different person. No. I was like,

okay. That's that is the power of having pain, stress, and or worry alleviated a little bit because it she was and, hell, maybe the couple months off to just get away from it all helped as well. I don't know. But, yeah, it was it was straightforward. It she I didn't have to tell her 85 times

what was happening and why we're there. She actually had I'd had blood work done in December and normally she would just look at the most recent blood work and never compare it to anything and go, well, it looks kind of okay to me. And I'd have to go, well, I was looking at the history of blood work and this I mean, you have to advocate for yourself. Sure, but I should not be talking more doctor speak than the doctor. And this time it just wasn't like that.

But I had gotten myself so worked up and so, like, just on edge about the whole thing that by the time got home, we ended up running more errands after that. I I fell apart. It's like, like my brain has not caught up with the fact that we are not in fact being chased by wild animals and I built it up and then it was anticlimactic. And I was, I think I didn't know what to do next. Oh my god. I was like, I just silent ass. They're still poking around up there

post hysterectomy. Yes. Not not. Okay. So anybody who has ever, had a pap smear, had a speculum placed in places that speculums can go, my exam, since I now have no uterus and no cervix, is not as uncomfortable, physically uncomfortable, and not quite as invasive. Like, that speculum didn't have to hang out there for five minutes. Right? There were no cotton swabs going up there and zooshing around. There was an exam, but, yeah, it was my in my from my perspective, mild compared

to pre hysterectomy surgery. Gotcha. Mhmm. Mhmm. Okay. Mhmm. Yep. Yeah. For anybody who's like, I didn't need to know that much about the vagina. Well, we all get to learn around here. Okay? Y'all have to know that if I had I am an clearly, I'm an oversharer when I am comfortable. If I had been getting periods this whole whole time that y'all have known me in this way, y'all heard way too much about my periods too. I would tell you when

I had cramps and was cranky. I would not hide that shit because if I have to live with it, so does every fucking body else. But you have never known me. Well, the amount of time you know me, I've never had a period. Correct. Yeah. You you don't know how happy you should be about that. So yeah. Yeah. Excuse me. Oh, and I had I had health concerns, and she actually addressed them in a coherent way and gave me a plan. I was of action, and I was like, okay. Okay. Look at you doctoring over here. I'm

we're still two very different people. Right? Like, we would not interact if we did not have this professional relationship. But, yeah, it was much better. So that was nice. Mhmm. Pleasant surprise. Yeah. And she she's so funny. Well woman exam in a under US health insurance laws, you're not supposed to be charged for it. It's supposed to be it's preventative. You don't get billed for it. Except, because of course there's fucking loopholes.

If they have to diagnose you with something or write a brand new prescription for you Yeah. Or discuss any health concerns, then they have to bill for that. And she she found I'm not talking about it. It's fine. It's nothing serious. I just don't wanna talk about it. She found something. She's like, oh, I found that. I'm diagnosing that. She's gonna get billed, isn't she? And the note taker's like, mhmm. She's gonna get billed. I was like, thanks for caring. Thanks for caring. I appreciate it.

So yeah. Yeah. It was it was really weird. I walked in expecting one thing, completely different outcome, and then just kind of emotionally collapsed. I we're driving down the road running errands, and I'm like, tears are just streaming. I'm like, I don't even know why I'm crying. I just need to release the pressure, I think. It was weird. Yeah. So yeah. I mean oh, I think we're finally gonna be on the the next step on the replace the

kitchen floor saga. Yes. Yes. Yes. The money is finally gonna be, it looks like, back in our hands tomorrow. So we could go to the bank and go, here, hold our money for us. Mhmm. And then we gotta find a contractor. Then we gotta find a contractor. Mhmm. I'm hope so And I have thoughts, so I'm gonna talk to you about that. Cool. This is on top of, we have to deal with the RAV. Mhmm. And you you know, I did the research. You Yeah. Got the next steps, so I've

thrown that to you. But we're under, an artificial, deadline because we wanna get it taken care of and off our insurance before Before we go. The next payment. Mhmm. So Yeah. And then there's just always something. You know, I'm I'm There's always something to tell you. I I think the RAV knows because I moved it yesterday. Mhmm. It ran just fine, didn't it? No. No. It was bad. Yeah. Oh, no. I figured it'd start, like, running like a champ for you. It's like, don't get rid of me.

No. I like it here. Well, I wish I didn't have to, but yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I know. It it, went after I started it. Mhmm. Oh, did not sound good. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Did not sound good. I we're gonna we're gonna get creative at some point, I'm sure, about not just having the Corolla because that's gonna be did it. Yep. But it that's not you don't usually see a Corolla rock out. No. No. No. No. No. No. Vans and pickups or SUVs. Yep. Yep. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. And it's it's kind of in the backcountry a little bit, and you you don't, like, you drive down a little lane, and then you kinda go off road on Yeah. It's a grass. It's a dirt driveway that's about, And you come off the driveway because you park drive across the grass. Yeah. Right. The Corolla. That's gonna be interesting. Mhmm. Mhmm. That's gonna be interesting. Yep. So yeah.

Yeah. I'm doing that, and we've, you know, we were talking about doing some more yard work, stuff around the house that needs to be done. Oh, yeah. It's another thing we're working towards and might be doing getting tree work done around here. So that will be, get estimates for Oh, god. When we when we first when we first moved in here, I had somebody come in and freshly do all the Mhmm. All the trees.

And and they did a really, really fine job of it, and I have been able to, keep up with it, you know, for the most part and keep it, you know, maintained. Mhmm. But now it's back to that point that, kinda need a a professional to come in with their Mhmm. Cherry pickers and stuff and get up there and There's a lot of fucking adulting in this homeownership Look, I'm I'm grateful that we have the luxury truly of owning our own home. Yeah.

However, that luxury is then, balanced out by the, oh my god, that that has to be done too. Mhmm. And and yet the oldest is now finding out how when things break down in an in a rented apartment, that maintenance is not, gonna be right there. No. No. I I don't think he's had the experience yet, but he will probably, at some point, have the experience of, yeah. Yeah. We came out to look at that broken thing, but we basically just, you know, put some duct tape and spit on it. It'll hold together.

You'll call us when it breaks again, but we're not putting any actual funds into truly fixing this. Yeah. He's he's having that kind of Mhmm. But I still I still just revel in those moments where he looks at me and goes, I can't believe I wanted to be an adult this bad, this soon. What the hell was I thinking? And I'm like, we tried to tell you. Tell you. You didn't believe us. There's something you just gotta discover for yourself. So Yeah.

Tayshia, I like that. Home ownership is a fight against entropy. Yeah. Yeah. I like that. It's true. I I say let the land take it back. Just let mother nature have it. Okay? Let the ivy grow over the house. I'll turn this into a cave. I'll just stay in here and never leave. Have the, you know, delivery drivers throw packages out and, you know Yeah. Cut my way out with a machete and just let let it go back to the land.

It's fine. Yeah. Yeah. I think that right now, it's hard to be like, oh, we've got this. Or we haven't even had a chance to talk about, like, doing more things purposefully and specifically towards our power exchange because it's fucking adult life bullshit. There's there's been a lot there's been a lot of adulting lately. Yes. There has. But we're getting shit done. We are getting shit done. And it is a nice feeling to finally get shit done. And and we're we're

moving forward on many things. Mhmm. So, you know, I I I feel feeling, more and more in a good place. Mhmm. Yeah. You are definitely steadier and calmer and Mhmm. Yeah. I'm I'm the one struggling, not because there's, you know, life is bad or anything. It's just it's I I it's a little too chaotic, and I can't settle. And I just I just I just wanna I I just want to do the things I wanna do in the way I wanna do them, when I wanna do them on my own time with no misrepresentations.

That's all I want. But I don't have anything else. About it for me. I mean, yeah. I've been Yeah. What? I don't know. Yeah. I know. No. I'm just playing with my hair now. Podcast listeners, I'm sorry you don't get that to see that because I'm sure it's scintillating. All that being said, this was not really an extended bonus section. Sorry. We're a little too boring right now. So I guess we should go. Yeah. I think there's things you wanted to do. There

are. I'm positive there are things I'm supposed to be doing. There are? Do I remember what they are? No. I don't. That's what to do lists are for. Did I write a to do list? No. I did not. What? What? So we're gonna go. We will see y'all next week. Yep. And that's all I got to say about that? Mhmm. Okay. Bye. Bye.