You are listening to the Loving B D S M podcast, episode 360 9. The Lord , the only, the, we're definitely equally mature, right? John Brownstone. . Yeah. . Look, I personally find 69 to be kind of overrated, but that's not gonna stop me from giggling every time. That's right. Yeah. Every time. My inner 12 year old just can't help herself. That's not what we're talking about this week. No, but it does . It does relate . It does kind relate to what we're talking about. Yes. Because.
This week we're talking about the role of silliness and playfulness, uh, and how it affects our park exchange. Mm-hmm. and hopefully offering a reminder that while certain parts of B D S M and Power Exchange absolutely need to be taken seriously, that doesn't mean that it's not okay to be a little silly too. That's true. And sometimes that looks like giggling at the number 69, wherever you may find it. Right. Welcome to the Loving B D S M podcast.
If this is your first time listening, glad to have you. If you're back for another week, welcome back. Loving BDSM is produced every Friday, and also Monday now for your kinky pleasure in education. And show notes are found@lovingbdsm.net. Come back often and feel free to add the podcast to your favorite podcast app. You can also follow the show on Twitter. We're not gonna call it X at loving BDSM on FetLife at Loving BDSM pc.
The PC stands for podcast y'all on Instagram and threads at that handle. I will forever fucking Hate Loving DSS and the number one. So that's at Loving DSS one, or on YouTube at youtube.com/loving bdsm, where you can watch us live. Stream the podcast every Wednesday. All links are in the show notes. A big thanks as always to our kinky patrons over on Patreon, including our newest peeps. Uh, we're able to do this very weird thing that we do on the internet in large part
because of our kinky patrons. And we are grateful for every fucking one of you, including Ella, who's crying in the background. Now, if you'd like to join our kinky community and get access to extra content and a Discord server with a group of super cool, super nice sters, you can do that. Just join us at patreon.com/kayla lords, that's patreon.com/kayla lords, or use the link in the show notes. Okay. So, in honor of today's episode, Lola is next to me on the floor. Snuffling and rolling.
Side. She's being silly side to. Side. Yeah. Being very silly. Um, I have no announcements because when I was trying to think of what could I announce, I couldn't think of a fucking thing. So we're just not gonna, just not gonna worry about that . And we're just get into the topic.
Um, and I wanted to start with the official definitions or of the term silly, because I think that the way you view the term silly will potentially impact how you view the idea of being silly in any relationship or in life in general. Um, so I went to the fine folks at Miriam Webster , which after having listened to, uh, stuffy missed in history class, and their, uh, episodes on, um, I think they actually called it the Dictionary Wars. I'm a little bit like,
should I, Miriam Webster. There were some issues there in history. So being silly has a negative connotation, even though it makes us laugh. Like with Lola rolling around on the ground, snuffling, she's. She's done a complete 180. Yes. And she's not a small dog. No. So here's some of the definitions, um, about what it means to be silly. So it's exhibiting or indicative of a lack of common sense, or sound judgment. Um, the example, a very silly mistake. Mm-hmm. , uh, weak in intellect,
acting like a silly fool, is the example. Uh, playfully, lighthearted and amusing. A silly sense of humor. That is my preferred definition. Um, trifling or frivolous? Frivolous. That's, yeah. A silly waste of time. Uh, trifling, no. Uh, frivolous. Yes. My silliness does tend to be frivolous. Mm-hmm. . Um, it can, it actually gets deeper in the definition. I'm not gonna, I'm just doing the top mm-hmm. four there. Mm-hmm. . Um, so yeah, for some people, the idea of, um,
silly is, uh, unwanted. It's a negative thing. Um, and I don't think it has to be, even though, even though we'll probably get to this, there have been moments when my personal silliness has not been wanted, and also JBS silliness. Mm-hmm. , I've had to go, whoa, whoa, whoa. This is not the time or place. So I think you called. Me out on that last night. Was it. Last night? Mm-hmm. Time has no meaning. I don't even remember this morning,
let alone, yeah. Uh, last night. So the, for me, the reason this came up as an idea and I was like, Hey, you wanna talk about it? Is because not always, not all the time, and in the past few years, less frequently, 'cause stress will definitely, um, make you forget that it's okay to act silly. I have been kind of mindful of the times I can feel us being silly together. Mm-hmm. tends to be when we get goofy and we start joking around and we make each other laugh. Um,
we've talked about it in the past in terms of our scenes mm-hmm. , once we finally kind of let the daddy and baby girl sides of ourselves come out with the sadistic and masochistic sides, uh, our scenes got a lot more playful. Yes. There's a lot more laughter. Um, and so it's just sort of an inherent part of who we are. It's how we relate to one another. Um, and if you ever want to know just how bad it is for us in life, or between us because of tension, it's directly related to, you know,
the lack of silliness going on. Um, but it may, thinking about how silly we can be, um, made me think about the power exchange folks and just relationships out there where silliness is considered an absolute negative. Yeah. Um, the sort of stoic, stern, this is super serious, super important stuff we're doing here. There's not really a place for joking around and laughter, and I was kind of in a dynamic like that, um,
my very first one mm-hmm. and I, knowing my, how I am now, knowing myself better now than I did then as a ster that was never gonna last long. Um, so yeah. I just kind of, I just kind of wanna talk about it. Mm-hmm. . So, um, let's start with you. Um, is, I have many questions. Oh, goodness. Is silliness kind of new to you, new-ish to you as you've gotten older? Is it something that you've struggled with as a kink? Like what, what does this all mean.
For you? Um, silliness is not something that's new to me. I've always had a goofy side. Mm-hmm. to me, um, when it comes to, to kink, um, early on, my, my foray in, into kink, um, was high protocol. Mm-hmm. , you know, so everything was very serious. Mm-hmm. with that. And there was nothing wrong with that. It, it worked well. Mm-hmm. in that dynamic at that time mm-hmm. . Um, and, and I'm not gonna say that there weren't some lighthearted moments mm-hmm.
, but there, you know, the, the high protocol took the forefront, right. When. There's a specific structure and seriousness mm-hmm. , you're kind of supposed to follow, that's gonna be what leads. And then if there's a moment for. Right. Lightheartedness, it might slip. In. Yeah. So, you know it, that, that relationship was very natural to that mm-hmm. , um, all that changed when I met you. You, I was thinking about this earlier when we first got together,
long before we were daddy and baby girl. Mm-hmm. , because I didn't resist the baby girl. I did resist the baby girl thing because it was like, what? Um, but once I embraced it, I embraced it fully. You resisted being the idea of being a daddy dom. Yeah. Longer than I resisted. But, um, we tried to be that serious, not high protocol. Like there, there weren't a million rules. Mm-hmm. ,
part of that was 'cause of being long distance and just busy people. Like, there was only so much either of us could keep up with mm-hmm. from a distance mm-hmm. . Um, but we tried the serious thing where Yeah. The idea of, um, you know, so I don't know how to say this one without pissing some people off, uh, the people who don't like silliness, I guess. And two,
without wording it completely wrong. So there is app, and I know this 'cause I was raised this way, so I know there this exists everywhere. There is this idea among some people that to be silly in a meaningful moment or in an important moment is to be disrespectful. Mm-hmm. and I have observed enough people in general, but definitely Sters, who would find cracking a joke in the middle of like a power exchange kind of moment, or making a little goofy face or whatever,
whatever mm-hmm. to not only be not funny, but to be disrespectful to the moment. Now, if that's how somebody feels, I respect that. And if I know that I will, I will mm-hmm. do my best. I also now know myself well enough to know that I'm probably incompatible with that person because Sure. I agree that there's a time and a place for everything that is, will be part of this discussion too. 'cause you and I have had to learn that lesson each, um,
so not every moment is appropriate for being a goofball. Right. But if the, I the general idea of ever being silly in the middle of engaging, um, in our dynamic is completely off the table. Because any sign of silliness, goofiness, playfulness is air quote disrespectful, then I know. That's for me, I know that's a compatibility issue. Yeah. Um, because I just, if, if I am fully comfortable with you and fully comfortable in myself, it's,
it's gonna, it's gonna come out at some point. I'm just, I'm gonna have an errant thought that's gonna make me giggle, and then I'm gonna have to tell you that errant thought. So hopefully you will giggle with me. Right. That's just, that's just how it goes. Um, go ahead. Yeah. I'm looking at Lola, she wants to go out. Um, sorry if we sound disjointed.
Blame me. I'm glitching left, right and center today as a human being. Um, so with previous partners and partners you've had that weren't me while we've been together, um, have you noticed the, a lack the lack of silliness, playfulness? Has it mattered? Has it even been a factor for you have, it has, you know, how compare our silliness to everybody else,
I guess is what I'm saying. What, what's that been like? Um. I, I think in any, with, with anyone that I have, um, been, been involved with since we've, I, I think having a sense of humor and having some silliness is important. Mm-hmm. , and we have talked about humor before. Yes. And, and where we find the importance of it in our exchange mm-hmm. , I linked to it in the places. I think I have in fact done that ahead of time. . Yes. I'm, if I didn't, I meant to, and I will. Um, so yeah.
And I think humor is part of silliness and silliness. Yeah. You know, being playful. There's humor is involved. I also think that humor can stand on its own because I, you can have a dry sense of humor and make a, an observation or crack a joke or just mm-hmm. see the ridiculousness of a situation. You know, like when in a safe way, things don't go well. in your kink scene, like, every time one of us cramps up and we're gonna deal with the pain and like,
make sure the other is fine, and then we're gonna laugh about it. Yep. But the silliness to me is a subset of humor where I am trying to make you laugh. Um, I am, I am, I know for me, my silliness comes from, I wanna make, I want to laugh and smile. I want JB to laugh and smile. Sometimes I wanna cut the tension. Um, sometimes, uh, I, I'm not trying to be silly and it, and, uh, something I've said or done just strikes you as goofy and you're laughing.
And I call that a bonus. Like, I'm not offended by that. Um, I will say, 'cause I think that having this conversation, those who do not wanna, you know, have a good faith listen to this, will think that we are saying that B D S M isn't supposed to be serious. And that's not true either. No. There are elements of B D S M that absolutely you need to take seriously. Communication, consent, risk awareness, safety protocols. Mm-hmm. learning the skills before you do the thing. Like, yes.
Those are serious things. And I, I know for me, this is where sometimes you get onto me about my silliness, it can appear that, or sometimes I actually am forgetting the seriousness to go for the joke, to go for the playfulness mm-hmm. mm-hmm. to, to giggle about something. Um, and I think that's a fine line to have to walk. You have to understand the seriousness of a thing, and then figure out the appropriate time within that serious moment
for the laugh. Um, knowing what you know about, you know, other relationships and, and, and that the silliness like amped up once we got together. , how do you feel about the silliness and the goofiness? Um. I've come to see it as part of our relationship now. Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. . Okay. Um, you know, it, uh, it, it's something that has become so prevalent with us that I think if it were to go away, I'd be like, okay, what's wrong?
Anytime we stop being silly or one of us is being silly and it doesn't land with the other . Right. Um, that's the first thing I'm thinking. I'm like, okay, where's the disconnect? Because if we're not giggling and laughing together, something has, is wrong. Mm-hmm. , and we have to fix it. I don't like this right now. Not, you know, I know that there are folks who are silly all of the time. We are not that when I'm not being silly, I'm probably being a snarky bitch,
like . But I can still make him laugh and most of my snarkiness. And so I am a hundred percent, you know, going for the laugh regardless. Um, but yeah. Us, my sense of how we are doing silliness and goofiness and playfulness and all of the different adjectives to say that that is the barometer. True. Because we can be really sarcastic and cutting and kind of make the other one chuckle. That does not mean we're in a good place. . Right. .
It means that if things go wrong, just one more time, those, uh, jokes will become actual insults. And we need to watch ourselves. The play, the lightheartedness of it is the barometer. Like, how are we doing? True. Um, so let's talk about something with that. . And that is time and place. Mm-hmm. and. Having to learn that. Yes. Um, yeah. . I had to learn the lesson first. You. Did. So here's the, you did, here's the thing about me. Um,
and we'll just blame the childhood trauma. It's fine. . Um, the way I know that somebody I deeply care about is happy with me, is if I can get them to smile and laugh with me. So I have, I I, I will not act like it has completely gone away. 'cause that this tendency is still there have a tendency when things get tense to try to crack a joke, be silly, get goofy, because the smile and the laugh is air, quote, this, this is where I need more therapy. Mm-hmm.
is the proof that that person still loves me and cares about me. Yeah. So, , I don't know how many times, I can't even think of specific examples 'cause they're kind of fleeting moments. But yeah, there have been many times over the years, more in the, the early days than now where things will get tense. JB will be aggravated. We'll be in a, like, in a back and forth. Like, I think I'm right. No, I think I'm right. Something like that. And I just want the tension to go away, .
And if, if a random thought occurs to me, it will probably come outta my mouth. Uh, and that has not gone well because my memory of those moments is that you, part of it is the, no, not right now. I'm not laughing at that. Right. And part of it, I think is where it comes back to that idea that sometimes goofiness can absolutely come across as disrespect. Mm-hmm. . Um, like, I'm not taking the moment seriously enough. Right. Uh, how do you, how do you feel about that. ? Um, I mean, it,
I think it's one of those things that's gonna happen. Oh yeah. For sure. Regardless. So, you know, it's, um, not so much a matter of how I feel about it per se, but, um, you know, I can't read you a hundred percent of the time. You can't read me a hundred percent of the time. So it's going to happen. Absolutely. You know, um, you know, we're talking about this on my end. I mean, I remember for a while there, I had gotten so wrapped up in my goofiness and, and, you know, trying to be silly.
It actually annoyed you to a point that you were like, need to stop and you need to stop. Do you know when it occurs? It's when you're teasing me. Yeah. And I, I, this comes from many different places. 'cause it's all, you know, contextual and nuanced and whatever. I know a big part of it is 'cause I'm an only child and I, I don't share well, and I don't take teasing well. 'cause that is not what I had to deal with in my formative years. and,
and teasing. I think also it goes back to some other stuff. Teasing to me feels mean after a while. Like the first time, ha ha Yeah, please stop. Fine. But there would be times that you would push that teasing. And, and I know intellectually that you're being lighthearted. You think you're hilarious. And , , until we kinda learned each other well enough and we're still learning one another after all these years, it would almost reduce me to tears.
And what was funny is it wasn't you, and it wasn't even what you were teasing about. You never tease about something that's like so deeply personal that it could be insulting. But it was like, it was all the stuff that has led to me not handling being teased. Well, . It was too much. It. Was too much. Yeah. And I, and I think that's how I started. Even now when it kind of happens, I go, whoa, too much. Too much. It's too much. I need you to stop now. I, but you know what?
I have to have to teach that with the, the kids. Yeah. Because being silly and goofy is just, I mean, lord, the amount of inappropriate humor at our dinner table, . Um, so, you know, the, the kids were teasing me about something and I was trying to take it in good graces and try to be like, open-minded about how this shouldn't be a thing that bothers me. Not not in the, I, you know, shoulding all over myself if I shouldn't be upset. But like, this should be a topic.
This ought to be a topic that you can talk about more openly. But it was hitting me on a deep personal level. And I finally, in the middle of it one day at the dinner table, I had to go, okay, okay. I know y'all are just being playful. I know you don't mean anything by it, but this one's really bothering me. We gotta stop mm-hmm. . Um, and they took that to heart. And they, they've never teased me about that since. But, you know, you and I have such a relationship where we,
most of the time we will default to playfulness. Um, and so that, that sometimes gets lost. We, we, I think you and I have had to push back against each other more often than I've even had to do with the kids, because it's like that's, we are at our happiest and our best when we, you know, like I said, it's the barometer of the relationship. Yes. Um, and so we're desperately trying to get back to that place. And the other one is just not fucking having it. .
But you know what, it also happens, I feel like accidentally, like we're, sometimes we're not even, most of the time, I don't think we're even trying. Case in point, at the very top of the podcast, the, the audio podcast of this episode, we cracked a joke about the number 69 devolved into just mm-hmm. stupid giggles. And I, I could analyze it now and go, oh, well here's why that happens. Well, but in the moment, it's like we, we have similar senses of humor,
right? Um, we've got inside jokes just as the relationship has developed. So we, you know, this is very common. A lot of people do this, but anytime you'll see the number 69, 1 of us is gonna giggle first. The other one's gonna giggle next. And we're just gonna, it's gonna devolve, right? Mm-hmm. , because we've sort of developed that, um,
which is hilarious. Like when, uh, family comes to visit and they don't have our 12 year old sense of humor, and the number 69 will come up and we're giggling, and like, my mother's like, what's so funny? And I'm like, oh, well, I'm definitely not explaining it to you. Okay? Mm mm-hmm. , which reminds me that, oh yeah, not everybody laughs at these things. Right, right, right. Um, yeah, you know what, it's, it's funny to me because thinking about my silliness, it's a measure of a lot of things.
So it's a measure of the health of our relationship. It's a measure of how comfortable I am, like mm-hmm. , all of my guard is down. If I can be silly, because sometimes the stuff that I think is either hilarious or worth mentioning, randos out there in the world who don't know me, would be like, well, you're a weirdo. What the fuck? Right? Yeah. But the people who know me best are like, yes, that's fucking hilarious. Or,
yes, I wanna be silly with you. I wanna be playful with you in this moment. So my level of silliness and comfort with it is, is directly tied to my comfort level and intimacy level with the person I'm being silly with. We don't, I don't, one, we don't go out often enough, but two, we go out together so often that I tend to just be automatically a little bit more comfortable because you're there. And in a whisper.
I will be silly with you, but I don't know if you've ever just sat back and observed that most of the time in public, I'm extremely reserved. Yeah. I know anybody who can hear the sound of our voice or see our face right now. It's like, yeah. Right. Kayla's reserved so fucking reserved. Like not even the same person. . And there are lots of reasons for that, like all kinds of reasons for that. But no, not just anybody gets to see my silly, goofy side. No, that's true. But you know what?
Part of that is because too many people didn't care, or about my feelings and did not like my silly, goofy side. I mean, from childhood on, it was either inappropriate, disrespectful, uh, I was the weird kid. Like, all these reasons that kind of pile up where you're like, okay, well I will, I will be what the world, you know,
expects to see and they're not allowed to see this. So the, to have a relationship where not only can I just be silly, like it's possible to be the silly one and have your partner go, I see you, I honor that be who you are, but I also don't fucking get it. Right. . So that's one thing. And I've been in those relationships. Um, but it's another thing to go, yeah, here's my goofball self and the other one to go, here's my goofball self. We're gonna be goofballs together. Um, you know, that,
that's a very freeing thing. Yeah. Um, I had other thoughts and they're starting to uhoh. Here's the thing that's been on my mind about this. Okay. I think there are people out there, not o other people who are like, yeah, I am also silly, but people who maybe aren't, or like, uh, who would assume that goofiness, playfulness, silliness is an attribute of caregiver little dynamics only.
Which, if you are a silly person and you are not in a, a caregiver little power exchange, you're like, of course it's not, I'm not talking to y'all, y'all know, but there, I think that people go, oh, that, that's, that's a trait of daddy. He's a daddy dom and she's a baby girl. Of course there's silly . That's how that works. And I know that's not true. I know that's not true, but I think it's a stereotype. Yeah. I'd have to agree with that.
Because here's what brings that, what makes me think about that. I think about all typically dominance, but not always. Mm-hmm. who get caught in that thinking that, oh, to be dominant big D dominant, I have to be stern and stoic and mm-hmm. , you know, it's very serious. And for some people, that's exactly who they are and that's fine. Right. And that's what they want. Yes. Right. Yeah. And for some people, they go, oh God, this, this is not fitting me.
Am I really dominant for the submissive side? Mm-hmm. , am I really submissive? 'cause I keep like giggling. Like. It's like wearing a shirt that's too tight and you're always trying. Exactly. And I part the reason I wanna have this conversation, other than the fact that being silly just makes me happy and let's talk about things that make me happy, , is because I know there'll be somebody out there who's like, well, yeah. That I think, let's say dominance. Mm-hmm. ,
I think dominance has to be really serious and stern. But who might also go, yeah. But it, it feels like a shirt that don't fit. Right. And maybe it's because you're not letting your playful side out. Right. Or your goofy side out, or you're not cracking a joke when it's appropriate. And how do you know when it's an appropriate time? You don't really , you have to crack the joke and see how it lands . Right. You learn over time, oh, this isn't the right time, this isn't the right time,
whatever, whatever. Mm-hmm. mm-hmm. . But I, I think that there's this idea that the on of the sters, the only ones who are silly and goofy and playful are the littles and the caregivers who try to keep up with them. Um, and I know we fit that stereotype, but I just don't think that's true. I would be silly as a surface sub. I'm silly as a surface sub. You are, I'm silly in different ways. So when I'm in the middle of taking care of shit, right.
I'm pretty focused and I am kind of serious about that. But I am also probably dancing a little dance, dance in the kitchen. I'm humming some made up song. Mm-hmm. or God help us, some song or sound I heard on a reel that's like now trapped in my brain. You know, I'm making little noises. I'm, I'm also doing things like stemming . Like I have learned that about myself. Um, and those are not inherently silly. They can appear that way if you, you know, whatever. But I'm, if I'm relaxed, I'm,
I'm probably being a goofball while I'm serving. Mm-hmm. . Especially if I think I can get you to laugh. 'cause that's what I want. Partly because I get validation from that. How do you know somebody's happy with you and they still love you? 'cause they're smiling. Like, but also it brings me joy to do that.
Mm-hmm. , like, it makes me happy to, to see, to make, not to make you be lighthearted, but to see you in that space, to know that the thing I said, or the thing I did, or something about me. Yeah. Created that moment. Like, I like that shit . So Yeah. I just, for the, for the folks who go, well, of course you're, you're like that because you're in that dynamic. Me. Yeah. Sure. I think a lot of us in the dynamic probably are,
and I wonder how many people gravitate towards this dynamic. Not specifically. Like, I don't, when I say I'm a baby girl, I don't, I don't, I say I'm on the spectrum of what it means to be a little. 'cause I don't consider myself a little, the, the, um, age play aspect, which not all littles do, believe me,
I know that doesn't really do it for me. The things that I, I attribute to littles, like the activities or the, you know, certain things, I'm kind of, I always feel like I'm kind of on the edge of that mm-hmm. . Okay. And I wonder if there are people out there who feel on the edge, like they can't quite, they're not quite there to go. Yeah. We're a caregiver a little, but they identify with it not because of the roles. Like maybe they don't identify with the roles,
but they identify with the playfulness. Mm-hmm. , they identify with the silliness, they identify with the, the lightheartedness. How many ways can I say silly in one sentence? Let's just, we're gonna try this. Um, and that's the part they identify with. Yeah. Because the caregiver little dynamic has the permission to be playful do and silly to do it. It is assumed that a little, at whichever stage of littleness will probably be silly and goofy
and playful. It's inherent to the dynamic. But that's my, my whole point is that yes, that's an attribute. Absolutely. Yeah. But also, you don't have to be in this dynamic to find your silly side. Right. And embrace that silly side with the partner who wants to embrace it mm-hmm. with you. Yeah. That's what I, yeah. What I mean by that, um, I think I did, I'm, I'm sure I said this towards the top, um, knowing myself the way I do now,
if I could not be my silly self at least some of the time mm-hmm. Like, if there wasn't Yeah. I didn't know freedom and I look for it, I, I would not be compatible with that person. Hmm. I did not know that about myself in the beginning. I didn't, I couldn't have told you that when you and I first met mm-hmm. or when we first, you know, you became daddy and I became baby girl. I couldn't have told you that. But looking back now, knowing what,
what tends to bring me the most joy outside of the fuckery. . Right. outside of the power exchange, you know? Yeah. Closeness. I, yeah. If I, if I can't crack a joke, be playful. If ever, if anytime I try to do that is seen as disrespectful, I wouldn't, I'd have to go, I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. Okay. Um, I can do it in a scene where it's meant to be serious and that's what you're going for. But you know, me, I still try. I I still try to crack a joke.
. I do. You know what though, in scene when you're like in your daly dom, usually sadistic like mm-hmm. , you're in that mindset. What I've learned over the years is the silly joke probably won't land . Right. Um, the, the, the way you tend to, if you are like, I've got something very, like I, when I say the word cruel, I mean that in the best possible way. Like this gonna be rough on her. Right. Like that. Yeah. I'm, I'm working towards a goal. I know. Yeah.
You're very stern and straight faced and you are, you're probably not laughing at much. So I'll, I'll try to sprinkle in a little playfulness and you know, I'm taking the temperature of the space. Okay. No, but what I've learned is that the snarky joke that might make you laugh will not end well for me in those moments. No, they don't. , , they don't, you, you enjoy it in a different way. You don't enjoy the humor. You enjoy where you go, oh, you'll pay for this. Right. Give me a minute,
I'm going work your payment into this scene. I'm crafting in my head. That's right. . So I, uh, tend to watch you and the vibe you're creating mm-hmm. before I know if I can let the silly out. Um, and the way that's happened. Gotcha. We've talked about this in the past, you know, we've had scenes where you're hitting me with shit and it hurts and I'm giggling. Yeah. And I start giggling and you giggle. Mm-hmm. . Yes. Yes. This daddy dom can giggle. This is not a full throated laugh.
We're not belly laugh. This is a t he giggle . Okay. And it's adorable. Um, but yeah, there, there have been, it's been so long, it's been so long since we just a scene that, just a scene in general mm-hmm. . But yeah, there are those scenes where you're, you want it to be this serious moment. That's the, the roles we're playing of, you know, you're in charge in the stern way mm-hmm. . And I can do that temporarily. I can be not silly when the moment calls for it now. Not, not fully.
I am the one who only with people who I know are okay for me to do this. I, I'm the person who'll crack a joke at a funeral because that's, that's who we are in my family. Uh, , I will cut the tension with humor if I, if I can. Yeah. But I am fucking adult and have enough life experience to know there. Mm-hmm. , there are times I can't, and I can, I can keep it in and keep it contained. I can be respectful of the situation or the people or the little moment. Right.
But I can't live a life like that. Yeah. I'm gonna need an outlet. I'm gonna need a way mm-hmm. to go, let me go be my silliest self. Yeah. And I want that way to be with my intimate partners. I don't want an intimate partner who I can understand not getting my playfulness and goofiness. That's, that's fine. You know, but the disdain for, I, I can't, that that's a whole different Yeah. I can't, I can't be with somebody who looks upon my playfulness as somehow making me
less submissive. Mm. Like, yeah, no, no. I'll do almost fucking anything for you. But you better give me the space at some point to giggle about the number 69 or something. Something. . Something. Um, now I know that there are times I can be overly serious. You've, you've. Oh, yeah. Yeah. How do you feel about that? Knowing that my happy default is to be a fucking goofball. Like you would almost think I can't take anything seriously,
but I take fucking everything seriously. I don't, I don't, I haven't personally had enough introspection to understand how I take everything mm-hmm. so seriously. And yet I'm a constant fucking goofball with certain people. So. Because. Playfulness and goofiness is just part of our dynamic. 'cause it's part of who we are. Yeah. How, how does, how does it feel when, when I'm, when I'm not. Um, there again, too, it depends on where my head space is at. Mm.
Okay. Um, you know, because if, if I'm not there and you start, you know, being all serious and, and laying things out the way you do, I'm like, no, I can't do this right now. , I I cannot do this right now. Which does I then end up like aggravated with you. Yeah, you do. And there will be a sigh. There will be such a deep heavy. Sigh for my side. Oh my. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Like. I am all business right now. We have shit to take care.
Of. Right. . Exactly. And, and I just have to be like, you know, no, I, I I cannot do this right now. Mm-hmm. , um, got a little bit of it that this morning when you had something you wanted to talk to me about, and I was kind of, I, it was kind of like agu begrudging. Okay, let's have the conversation. . This is how glitchy my brain is. Don't remember it. Yeah. Bri. Yeah. Oh, was it when I had to ask you about the email we'd gotten Yes. And I needed. Yes. Oh yes.
I didn't know you were feeling silly at that moment. Were you just silly in your own head and in your own space? Yeah. Oh, see, that's mm-hmm. It's difficult to read a room in that moment. So, you know. Yeah. And, and that whole, that whole conversation went south really quick. Oh. Yeah. We both ended up annoyed. Yeah. By the end of it. . Yeah. That was no fun. No, that was no fun. Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm. Not at all. So, um, you know, yeah. There, there are just times, I mean, just like, there were moments where, you know, the silliness is, you know, Nope. Gotta stop. Yeah. Um, it, it's the same with the, with the opposite, you know? Mm-hmm. . So it, you know. Part of that's about reading you So I have, I am constantly trying to, not constantly as an everyday trying to tickle John Brownstone.
That's where we're going. I try to tickle John Brownstone, what I'm trying to do every time I tickle him, even if it's like, maybe it's been weeks since I've like gone cocha coo, like whatever. Um, but every time I do, I want him to giggle. That is what I fucking want. And sometimes I get that and sometimes I don't. And the other day we're like, ship's passing in the kitchen, right? Mm-hmm. mm-hmm. . And I reach out and I, I get his stomach and I make, I tickle him and I get nothing.
I get this stoic like blank face. Yeah. And I, I the submissive go, no, this. Is, you're not following the rules. You're not doing this. Right. , what is the point of tickling you if I'm not gonna get the Pillsbury Doughboy response that I want? I was not trying to be in charge there. I was being a fucking goofball. Right. But I was also serious as the day is long. Okay. Just serious. And so it was the right time, the right moment. I said, let's try this again. .
And I tickled his stomach and I got Pillsbury Doughboy sound like I got the sound I wanted. I got the giggle. And then we, we moved on. Like, it was just a brief moment. The next day I, like I said, okay, pop quiz. And I tickled him and it took him a minute. Because that's the other thing, like, I'll have a running joke in my head. I'll remember this shit. Yeah. I can't remember nothing. Sometimes , but I'll remember that I played that little moment and whatever mm-hmm.
. And I'll do something to get us back to that silly moment. And you just gimme this blank look like, wait, what , where are we at? I know. I know. This means something so , it's imperfect. Now we do not normally take questions from livestream. Mm-hmm. But this is, um, uh, something that I want to address. 'cause I think this is also the confusion for some people. Like why would you be silly? Like, what's the purpose? Um,
I've gotta scroll back up to find it. But it was, it, it says, um, I think the, the, I'm sorry, I'm having to read through the glasses that I can't read through. Believe their name is Barbara. It says, how can you be silly in a scene isn't subspace and ultimate goal. I don't, uh, see how you could achieve subspace of silly. I don't know that I can achieve subspace while being silly,
but the thing I mm-hmm. , the important thing that others have said, and I want us to reiterate is Subspace, my personal opinion is I would not make subspace a quote goal ever True. Because you are going mm-hmm. to be disappointed at some point. However, for us, no. Some spaces is never the goal. No. A good time is the goal. Right. Sensations we want to experience is the goal. The connection and closeness we feel during a scene is the goal. Subspace is a happy accident. If it happens,
I'm gonna fucking embrace it. This is great. Glad to be flying on this high mm-hmm. . And in my experience, the silly scenes do not usually lead to subspace. It is typically the, not even the air quote, serious scenes mm-hmm. , but more of the more intense scene where what we do Yeah. Is we focus on the action. And you're like, for us it's impact.
So you are just going at me in all these different ways mm-hmm. , and I'm able to relax into it, and the music matches up and the lighting matches up, and the, the whole thing matches up in a way. And it is a different need way to match every fucking time that allows my brain to go, you don't have to be here right now mm-hmm. . Yeah. And I can just sink into those. Sensations and, and you go on vacation. Yeah. Right. That is so fucking rare. . .
So rare. Um, that if I made that my goal, I would be disappointed with every fucking scene. So my personal opinion is that I don't think anybody should make that a goal. I think that you're just setting yourself up for disappointment. But on a personal note, that is never a goal that, because I, I can't, you can't predict it. You can't force subspace. The more you think about I need to get into subspace, the less likely you are to do it. And true. Even if you have all the quote conditions Right.
For it doesn't mean it'll happen. So the goal for our scenes is just to connect in a way and to feel what we wanna feel Yeah. And for it to be a good time. And, uh, a lot of times recently we're gonna giggle through it in some way. Yeah. Mm-hmm. in some way. Yeah. And I always feel more connected to you after those kinds of scenes when we've giggled our way through it. True. That is very true. And, and, you know, this just goes to show how, you know, again, you look at, at B D S M and,
and the things that we do as a spectrum mm-hmm. , you know, that for us, uh, humor and, and silliness and being goofy is a part of who we are. Mm-hmm. and, and for someone, you know, and, and we can have a scene where we giggle and laugh and, you know, enjoy it. And for someone else, it's like, no, that's not what I want. Right. You know, so it, it's, it's all, it's all part of the spectrum of this big broad world that we're. In. And it's inherently personal. Yeah.
And I think it can change from time to time. Mm-hmm. And I think it can change from partner to partner. Right. 'cause how you relate to a partner in general will dictate how you probably relate in scene. Um, and some people are less goofball unless silly, unless, and that's okay. And I don't want it to make it sound like I think we are somehow morally superior because we're giggling over here. Like, I don't think that at all there. I know it has taken me years to get to a point where I'm
comfortable in my silliness mm-hmm. , but even then, I'm only comfortable with certain people. So I am curious of how many more people would be a little bit more playful, A little bit sillier. Yeah. If they could be comfortable with that side of themselves. But I also recognize that some people just aren't built that way. Mm-hmm. . Um, and I think what it, for me, this topic is to talk to those people who think that they're not supposed to be
that way. That they are, that they know that they're kind of a goofball, but they think that somehow B D ss M just doesn't allow for it. It absolutely fucking allows for it. You just, sometimes what you're, what you're missing is the compatible partner who will encourage your goofball side. Mm-hmm. who will join in with you, who will, you know, feed that for you. So it becomes a give and take. Um, I, you know, there's a place often in my fantasies for that
stern, serious, super strict, you know mm-hmm. , um, obey me, obey every word. Kind of like dom and kinking and Yeah. I'll, I'll happily read that B d ss m erotica only when well written any fucking day. But I can't live that. I can't do that permanently. Yeah. And we haven't said this in a long time, but it's, I hope,
sort of the through line of every fucking episode we ever do. And that is, there is a difference between the fantasy you have in your head of what B D S M can be and what power exchange can be, and then the reality. And there are times when those two can overlap. And you can have that scene,
or you can have that moment that fits your fantasy with the reality. I mean, until your leg cramps or the baby cries down the hall, or, you know, teenager calls you in the middle of the night while you, you're, you're getting wailed on, or you know, the car breaks down or like un until, you know, until real life ends. Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. .
Yes, you can overlap. But what I know happened with me, and I've seen it happen to people for over the years, is that we get the fantasy picture in our head and we go, that's what it is. Yeah. And then when the reality can't match that we are unhappy or think we're doing something wrong, or we do our best to match that fantasy and then wonder why we're unhappy. My very first power exchange relationship was life changing and a defining moment in my life. Okay. When I look back on it,
I can see all the ways it never would've survived. And there are several things. I mean, it was an incompatibility. We were two different types of people. I didn't know myself as a submissive well enough yet at that point. Yeah. Now that I do, because he would lemme be playful for like about 30 seconds. And then he was done with that shit. Had to put the kosh on that. Right. Yeah. . And there would've come a point where that would,
I would've been considered the disrespectful sub. I, I might've even been labeled a bratt because in that definition of ratting, he wants me to be, do something, behave away. Mm-hmm. and I'm gonna fight against it, but I would not be fighting against it in the playful way that's like consensual. And I would be fighting against it 'cause I'd be fighting against my nature. Right. That, that relationship imploded and broke off. Well before we got there,
I was still in fantasy land. Mm-hmm. , that was like still mm-hmm. still one of the biggest heartbreaks of my life. All of that. But I have enough wisdom. And you know, hindsight is 2020. I can, I can see what was on the horizon as I would have learned myself, who I was as a submissive more. And as he would have wanted me to diminish parts of myself that can only come out when I'm fully feeling safe with somebody. So it would've taken a while for him to even see it. I know.
Knowing what I know now, you know, we wouldn't have worked long term. And part of that was 'cause I had this idea in my head of what it meant to be submissive. And it meant to do every single thing my dom said without question, regardless of how it made me feel. I'll do nearly anything you say without question. True. But part of that is because in every moment you let me be who I am. And sometimes that's a sassy, snarky person who sounds like she's talking back, but she's really not.
She's just helping you understand. So you don't have to be wrong anymore. Yeah. . So. Uh. Yeah. But yeah, I, um, I just, I kind of just wanna have the conversation not to say that everybody ought to be silly or that every, every, uh, power exchange needs silliness. I don't, I don't think that at all. Yeah. I just wanna reach the people who are maybe feeling like is, you know, why it does power exchange and B D S M have to be so serious all the time. No,
uh, . And if you've ever been like, oh, I don't feel like this role or this dynamic fits well, is it because any, any part of yourself, your goofball side or some other part of your side, are you having to tamp that down to fit this mold? Like we make it fit us. We don't, you know. Yeah. That's why we tell you people all the time, you can't make somebody be your dominant or submissive. Mm-hmm. .
You can want them to, you can encourage them, you can offer them the resources to go learn about it and decide for themselves. But you can't make 'em be that way. Well, guess what? A stern, stoic, serious dominant can't make me be meek mild and not silly. Not for more in about five minutes. Mm-hmm. , you get the length of one scene, that's it. And then, um, it'll explode out.
Anything you repress will eventually explode out. Mm-hmm. . Um, and I , I believe it would probably explode out in snark and then I'd just be dumped . They'd be like, no, I can't do this. Or you'll get in trouble. Yeah. Where you get in trouble. You know, and I think some of these things are, are subtle and insidious. I think it's, I don't, I don't think too many people are walking around going, I can't be my silly self and that's why I'm unhappy. Mm-hmm. .
I think sometimes it's why I keep getting in trouble. You know, my, my dominant is always mad at me and I think I'm telling a joke. I'm trying to make them laugh. Right. Or it's, I'm trying to be stern and serious. I keep using stern serious and s so stoic. 'cause it's the only words I can think of. I know there are others. I keep trying to be this kind of dom sub, whatever mm-hmm. and I'm not having a good time. I'm not enjoying myself. Well, what is it that's missing? Right? Like,
it doesn't have to be your playful goofball self. It could be something else, but I just Yeah. We all contain multitudes. True. True, true. True. My multitudes are attempting to juggle while standing on one foot failing miserably and laughing about it. . That's what my multitudes are trying to do. So yeah. I don't, I could I ramble on? I'm sure I could, could I repeat myself in five different ways? Absolutely. I already have.
Absolutely. So , I, um, lemme double check my notes just to make sure I didn't, like there wasn't anything. No, we kind of did. Okay. Yeah, I think we, we touched on all the points. We touched on all the points. Is there anything that you would like to add? I, I don't think so. Not at this point. I mean, you know, it, if, if, if being goofy and silly is is something you enjoy and it works for you, you know, en enjoy it, go with it. Have, have the fun. You know.
Um, I, I know for us right now, we are, um, probably a little bit more silly with each other than we, we have been mm-hmm. , um, you know, the shit show of life, um, mm-hmm. . Um, it's been throwing some stuff at us even more lately and, you know, we, we try to laugh through it sometimes. It's all we got. Yeah. Either a dark joke, . Yeah. Or a ridiculous one. Mm-hmm. . And then sometimes we can't, like I, we, there are times that silly is just, it is not there.
The playfulness is not there. Yeah. Um, but I, I know for me this is true and I think for you it's true too. What we want is to get back to the point where we can be silly and playful. Yeah. So what have we gotta do to do that? Mm-hmm. , do we have to go to our separate corner and like decompress and like sit with our shit for a minute and then okay. Mm-hmm. , do we need to problem solve and get through this moment together? Right. Um,
like what is it? But yeah, the yeah. Mm-hmm. Our playfulness to me, I'll say, I said it at the right top, it's the barometer of our relationship. Yeah. Yeah. Yep. Yep. So if you're ever like, wow, those two are being super serious. Yeah. Shit's rough. Okay. . Okay. Uh, yeah, I guess that's it then. That's. It. So, um, are we good? Uh. We'll do a bonus section and maybe we are, I don't know. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Keep it Ky kinky. Y'all and we'll see you next week. Daddy. Yes, baby girl.
Before I belch into this microphone, , I'm trying. So I'm gonna do that. I know. Sexy. I know people will want me after that. And look, everything, everything and anything is somebody's kink. We just have to connect with the people who want to hear, who wanna hear. Hear that. Yeah. Belching. In the microphone. But I don't think it's most of the, the good people who. Probably not not can. Hear us right now. No. Um, but can I talk to the crickets.
You have been talking for? Well, of, uh, 54 minutes. And really longer than that when he count YouTube. That's right. Yeah. I know, I know. I'm not, I don't know if I've been saying anything that makes any sense and I haven't remembered the things that I say every week. So what have I been saying with all this talking? Yeah. If I can't say the correct things. Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. . So, but can I please, so thank you. . Yes, go ahead. . Thank. You. Um, I did, in fact, for half a second,
remember the emoji of the week mm-hmm. , uh, it will be, and this will be completely subjective, whatever you think the silliest face emoji is, whichever one, whichever one to you is like, yeah, that's goofy, that's silly. That's all of that. . Whichever one just speaks to you because I can't say. That's true. Mm-hmm. If none of them speak to you, then hit us with your silliest emoji. Just in general. I don't care. I don't care. I'm open to it. I, uh. .
Look, today I am just surviving on coffee and vibes. That's, and not even vibrators. Not even the good vibes. Like we just, yeah. . Even though I do have an email in my inbox going, oh, that product we sent you, have you tried it yet? I'm like, fuck no. No. Junie asks if, um, she can use silly goose, you can use whatever feels silly to you. Right. Junie. So yeah. , I, I thought I had some stuff I was gonna say for bonus section, but now I,
my brain keeps glitching. Yeah. And I don't, again, is it the new medication, is it the, not taking the old medication? Is it life as we know it in 2023? Is it the fact that I haven't slept through the night? Well, I haven't really slept through the night in like probably a decade. Yeah. And really, I haven't slept through the night since before, uh, conceiving and growing children. . So when was the last time I slept through the night? Um. Yeah. I don't know. No memory of it at this point.
No one even. Yeah. I'm not, no. So what's going on? Um, we were mentioning this to YouTube folks at the top, uh, we did order a new light Yes. Uh, for recording. Uh, that should be here on Sunday. Mm-hmm. . So by next week, next Wednesday, um, we will see how it does. Um, I did check 30 day return. So if it sucks. We'll send the fuck back. Good. Good. All right. Um, I am doing what I should have done years ago and continuing to combat
poor posture and ergonomics. Yes. Yes. Uh, which has caused neck stuff for me, which is now trickling down to affect my hands. Which is a problem when you work on a fucking keyboard all day. . Yeah. So I've adjusted my desk. I have my monitor up on a stand, so I have to like, hold my neck better. I'm using one of those stupid ergonomic mouse pads with the wrist thing. I fucking hate those things, but I know I do draw the line in an ergonomic keyboard.
I tried to use one of those years ago and couldn't type for shit. I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it. And the proper height for my chair for me to see comfortably is not good for my legs to sit. What is that? Perpendicular? It's parallel. Parallel. Whoop. Sorry. Parallel. So we've ordered and it's on its way. I think it'll arrive in the next couple days, a foot thing under my desk so I can get my legs up.
But I still need to buy compression fingerless compression gloves that the doctor told me to try. But when I went to try and figure out which one of those to get, I got lost on analysis paralysis. 'cause there's too many fucking options. We're, we're gonna try and look at that tonight after we do our shopping. Okay. Okay. Yep. I just, I think I just need you to decide for me. Yeah. And not an ugly color there, there, that's all I say. Okay. Just I. Can do that and I will do that.
My cheap ass wants to go with a $10 pair because I'm a cheap ass, which is fine. I, I need to be. But then my brain goes, but wait, what if if you just spend a few dollars more, you'd get better quality. And then I have to look at the pictures and be like, do I want the finger things to like be really short? So most of my fingertips are, or do I want 'em to be kind of high and then which size and what do you mean? I have to measure my palm. I'm done. I can't do it. . I can't do it. I can't.
Do it. But I have to do something. 'cause my hands are like constantly bothering me and it is not arthritis. I'm sure I have some of that I'm probably going to develop over time, but that's not what it is. It's neck and nerves and Right. Probably carpal tunnel. But not just carpal tunnel is delightful. It's not any one thing. Yeah. It's. Not. It's not. So I have to do like all of the things. Mm-hmm. . To like adjust.
Which is funny because when I was still working off of my laptop and I didn't have like an actual Mac, um, we had the thing, the riser and I had it all set up. And then once I got the Mac, I was like, ah. The heck with that. I don't need any of it. Yeah. And now my neck's like, ah. . So yeah. So yeah. That's, that's what I've been knowing what you've been doing. Um, it's tough. It's. Getting stressed out. Yeah. By life. Yep. 'cause life is fucking you. Mm-hmm. without any lube. Right. I know.
Well, you know, I, I thought I had a solution to a problem. Mm-hmm. . And technically it is problem. It's a solution problem. It's still a solution to the problem, you know? And, and, and it, and the solution to the problem would help us with our financial problem. It would help, yeah. It would help with your mental health. Yeah. It would help with the family dynamic situation, right? Mm-hmm. . But the. Cost of. It, cost of it puts. It out of reach. Puts it outta reach.
So we have to, like, we were handed the solution, like, here, here, here's a viable option. Here, here's a viable option. This could happen for you. Right. This no, not could. It would. Well, it would, well could as in if if you can't afford it, you can have. It if, if Yeah. If you can afford it. So. Now we have to backtrack and go, okay, how do we deal with this disappointment, . Yeah. Or how do we get super creative? Right. And, uh, so Yeah. Yep.
So, and I know that's super, super vague. It's fine. Mm-hmm. like it's, it's gonna stay vague. It, it's gonna stay vague, but, um, you know, it, it is what it is. Uh, but that's kind of the reason for my being a little subdued and yeah. Myself today mm-hmm. mm-hmm. , you know mm-hmm. . Um, yeah. You know, it's when you think you've finally reached a. An option, you're like, here. An option that. Here's. An option that can work, that will work and, and will solve several problems. Solve.
Problems. Who wants. To solve problems, problems. In 2023? Clearly not. Us. Then you get the rug pulled out from under you. Right. Yeah. I mean, I am that type of person who's like, eh, let's get really creative with our problem solving and, and do shit that we would never normally do. Yeah. But that's, that still requires conversation and thought and Yeah. Yeah. So. Anyway. I just keep telling myself that life ebbs and flows mm-hmm. and we're just in a really long ass eeb. Yeah.
Just a really long ass ebb. It will flow. Once again. I'm, I'm ready, I'm ready for some flow. I mean saying. . But you know what, we're still being goofballs through it all to the best of our ability. We are, we are. And, and I think we talk about this probably every fall. 'cause this is one that happens for us. I'm back to being your shop elf, um, in a bigger way. You are. We think it will become a permanent thing after the holidays though. Yeah.
Normally it's like through the holidays, I'm shop Elf, I'm doing little things here and there. Mm-hmm. and with where we're at with the kry, the kry.com, if you did not know , um, yeah. I think after the holidays I'll still be your your main shop elf. Yeah. Mm-hmm. , I'm gonna get to learn new skills. You are none that involve anything that could cut anything. No, not allowed. Not allowed. He was, um, cutting carbon fiber rod for evil sticks and diabolical sticks the other day.
And you use a Dremel tool for that? Yeah. And I go, oh, is that something I could do? Or is that too blade like? And you held up the fingers. I chuckled. Right. . No, no, no. You can't do this. You'll be missing fingers by the time you're done. Okay. I'm good. Um, but we did, we milled a bunch of wood Yep. Yesterday and we both sitting over there on the . Yeah. We both gave ourselves minor injuries. I have a scratch. Yeah. And you know, I think you have a couple of scratches too. Mm-hmm. ,
I thought I got some, um, splinters in my hands. I was like, no, not splinters. I did not have splinters in my hand. No. I just poked myself real hard with wood . Uh, um, but yeah, so that's mm-hmm. , we're doing what we always do. We're just working. Yep. And probably being. Keeping on, keeping on. Silly goofballs while we do it. Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. . Yep. Yep. Mm-hmm. . So. So anyhow, I. Think I don't, yeah. I don't have anything else. Yeah. If , I, I could say more things,
but then I think I would just stress both out more. So we won't just. Let's not go there. Let's. Not go. No. Let's just, no, let's end on a good note. Yes. Yeah. Yep. Yeah. We'll just do that. Mm-hmm. . Um, so thanks for watching. Mm-hmm. Listening. Mm-hmm. , thanks for joining us being to the bitter end. Um, this one was not chaotic, but glitchier than past episodes. Yeah. Like, forgot whole chunks of things. Yeah. Yeah. Hmm. So. All we can do is strive to do better next time.
Sure. We'll, we'll go . We'll try. try. We're gonna go. Yeah. Uh, we'll see y'all next week. Mm-hmm. . Bye. Bye.