You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast, episode four sixty eight. Kayla Lords here with the one, the only the guy who, I'm gonna tease y'all, gave us a rant. Monday episode, tune in. JB went on a JB rant. He had a new favorite word. I will not spoil that for you. You'll know the moment you you listen what his new favorite word is. He ranted hard enough that I did not know how to form words and thoughts and and get my thoughts out for a minute there. I just was looking at you.
I didn't think it was that bad. No. It was not a bad rant. It's you don't rant. You are very calm. You are. You are. You're kind of the personification of, self control, in dominance. Come on. Actually, sometimes I think you're a secret masochist because sometimes you'll deny me so hard because your sadist side is playing, but I'm like, you're denying yourself. But also I think you like it. So anyway Anyo. I don't know that this episode will will,
you know, get you ranting again. Yeah. I do think you have very personal experience with this one. We are talking about, primarily for new doms, but not necessarily, sort of a fear of losing self control and becoming power hungry and, you know, not behaving responsibly with the control and power they're given. We're gonna talk about that this week. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this is your first time listening, glad to have you. If you're back for another week, welcome
back. Loving BDSM is produced every Monday and Friday for your kinky pleasure and education, and show notes are found at lovingbdsm.net. Come back often and feel free to add the podcast to your favorite podcast app. And if you like what you hear and we've helped you, we've entertained, we've educated, we've informed, we've done something positive, please leave a review, or a rating or whatever your podcast app does, please. And thank you.
You can also follow the show on FetLife at loving BDSMPC on Instagram and technically threads at that handle I will forever motherfucking hate. It's loving d s and the number one. So it's at loving d s one. On blue sky at loving BDSM dot blahdy blahdy blah. Or on YouTube at youtube.com/lovingbdsm where you can watch us live stream the podcast every Wednesday. All links are in the show notes. Big thanks as always to our kinky patrons over on Patreon.
Y'all are the reason we could be weirdos on the Internet. Long term, we're going into our eleventh year now. So thank God for our kinky patrons. If you like what we do, have a few dollars to spare I know not everybody does and want to get more content as well as access to our Discord server, we would love it if you joined us over on Patreon. Patreon.com/kaylalords, or the link is in the show notes. You can join for as little as $2 a month.
Technically, as of time of recording, we're supposed to be gearing up for our membership drive. It's it's not going as well as it usually does, but I did do a thing that's already available. If you wanna become an annual member, the two month free discount we offer every year is available. So even though the membership drive is not technically in full swing yet, you join now, you get that discount for annual membership, and you
will be part of our membership drive. So once I get my shit figured out, I'll tell you what the hell that is that is and what you'll get for it. All of that, if I haven't lost you yet, is patreon.com/kaylalords. It's patreon.com/kaylalords or the link is in the show notes. And, you know, I just have to say this with your whole thing with, you know, loving DS one. Fucking hate that. You know, you have high blood pressure. I know. I do medicine. You do. You
hang on to that so tightly. Because I had our name. I had our name. And then Facebook slash Instagram slash meta decided to be puritanical mother fuckers and didn't for a while, maybe still not, I haven't tried, let you have something like BDSM anywhere in your fucking name. I lost the name. I can't get it back. I hate it so bad. Let it go. No. Let it go. No. Let it go. I am not Elsa. Not I'll hold that grudge till the day I die. Okay. Before we get into the topic this week,
one announcement. There were supposed to be other announcements, but there's at least one. There's at least one. Our Friday night livestream is this Friday, January 16 at a new time at a new time. I know folks' attention wanders sometimes. At a new time. Friday night livestreams will now be 8PM Eastern to 10PM Eastern. We have finally admitted we're too damn old for this shit.
And to be fair, our 09:30 start time was when the children were younger and we were trying to wait until because we would record the podcast, we'd do the livestream while they're at school so they wouldn't hear that, and then we would do Friday night livestreams after they went to bed. And that was around 09:30. They were we knew they were gonna be, like, in their bedroom and weren't coming out. So that is not our life now. Has not been for a few years, and
we're old and tired. So Friday night livestream. Virtual Munch. 8PM Eastern to 10PM Eastern. That's what we're doing. If you subscribe to the newsletter, you'll get the link. If you subscribe to the YouTube channel, turn on notifications, and they decide to actually work, hopefully you'll get notified. If you're like me and, like, check the subscription, like, you're in your YouTube app and you tap the little thing that says subscription or subs whatever it says, and you just I
just go look. I'm like, who posted what today? That's how I keep up. So yeah. Friday night livestream, 8PM. There we go. I I did the thing. There was supposed to be another announcement, but I didn't do finish doing my part. So that will have to wait, hopefully, till next week. Okay. The topic. This topic comes from two places, and, one was a direct question from, a proud cricket through our Patreon community.
That's another perk. If you want to join Patreon, you can get to me much quicker and much more easily and much more directly. And the other, I I don't think any of the ones I saw made it into any of our Reddit episodes, but I know maybe for last week's Reddit episode, maybe for the one before that, towards the end of the year, I know I have seen new doms sort of with this fear of, okay, I now have control over this person. I
have power over them. I'm allowed to do these things consensually in a negotiated way with this person. What if I forget how to behave? And in different ways. For some people it's what if I like turn this dominance thing on to people who are not in the dynamic? I'm at work. I'm in my social circle. I'm with family, and I just start acting like big d dom. And others are like what if I forget myself and I do this outside of our dynamic? I do this to my partner when they're not asking for
it, when it's not negotiated. I just kind of become this person. And I have to say, I kind of understand where somebody might go, uh-oh. What if? Mhmm. But it is also not something I've ever thought about before. So but the moment I told you about it, you immediately went, oh, yeah. I know exactly what they're talking about. So it had to be an episode. It had to be an episode. So let's
let's talk about that. Okay. So the very first thing, when I told you this this topic and these the question we had received and then the things I had seen Mhmm. What did you say? Absolute power corrupts absolutely. That is the fear. Yeah. You know, but do you think did so was that something you thought immediately just like, oh, I'm okay. Okay. I've embraced it. I'm big d dom. I'm I'm a dominant. That's how I I roll in relationships. Mhmm. Was it sort
of an oh, no? Or was it after you got to do the dom thing and then an oh, no? It was it was in the beginning when I first started Mhmm. In the lifestyle. Mhmm. And that's kinda where that had come about. True. Alright. But, you know, even even now, sometimes. It hits you even now? Yeah. Twenty plus years later? Sure. What is it that you worry about when it hits you? What's happening? Think think about this. You have after the amount of time we are together, okay, you have put so much trust
in me. Mhmm. I could say anything to you and you would believe me. Yeah. That's for damn sure. I could I could do that and you would believe anything that spewed out of my mouth. Mhmm. It's how you mind fuck me. And and it's how I mind fuck you, but you think about that kind of power over somebody. For sure. Alright. That's that's a lot. And you know, it's I don't want to say it's the temptation is there, but The understanding is there. You know that it's there.
Here's what I would say to new doms who are going, oh my god, yes, I I recognize that. Or any dom. Here's the thing. If you are thinking about it and aware and not acting on it in the moment, I mean nothing is a 100% certain in life, but I'm gonna say you are unlikely to forget yourself in in in situations where
this is not warranted. You are unlikely to abuse this power and, you know, lack the self control to just, like, be who you're supposed to be in this role and in this moment and be your like, the the people who use their power that way, they're not thinking, oh no. What if I use the power I have that way? They might be they might absolutely recognize the power that they have, but they're not worried about it and they're not questioning themselves.
They're I just don't think they are. I think they're going, Here's another tool for manipulation, so therefore I will use it because I know I have that tool. The honorable people who are trying their best or trying to be good responsible doms are gonna go, oh shit, I have that power. I better be careful. You know? Yeah. But I did I I find that fascinating that you still feel that way, but also I'm kind of comforted. But also I think I taught you that to some extent. And
here's what I mean by that. You you get me so good when you're joking. And I take you so now part of it is I do take some things quite literally. That's a thing. But if JB says it and I don't know that it's factually untrue, then it's true until I find out otherwise. And so, yeah, I've had to say to him over the years, oh my god. You could say anything to me. I you could say anything to me. And I'm actually a little I don't get nervous about that because I do trust you.
Because I you can't get that way with me without that complete trust, and to get that complete trust, holy shit, you gotta work for it. Because I just don't I'm naturally skeptical of what many people tell me if I don't know your motives and I don't know you and I don't have that kind of trusting relationship. So I don't worry about it, but I am I am aware of it. Especially when you do mind fuck me and I get mad later, I'm like, oh my fucking god, you mind fucked me.
Yeah. But see then, that also then comes with the other one Mhmm. That I said deal. Mhmm. Uncle Ben. Oh. With great power comes great responsibility. Do you wanna know every time you say uncle Ben, I don't immediately think Spider Man. I do immediately think You think of rice. I think of rice and oatmeal and whatever else. Just saying. Yeah. With great power comes great power. Yeah. And, you know, I you have to be cognizant cognizant
of that. Mhmm. And again, I go back to if you are a person who is fearful that you will somehow forget yourself, I think you are less likely. It's not that you might not. It's not that in the heat of a moment we were talking about this as we were discussing this topic, that sometimes JB has to pull his big dom voice on people who are not hismissive. If you want to wrangle the sisters and me to be his place and
Yes. Sometimes but using a tone of voice is not the same as using the control that you've been granted. It's not the same as being controlling. It's not the same as being, sort of power hungry. Right? Or too controlling. It's just a it's a thing you know will get attention. Mhmm. Everybody else still has all their free will to do whatever they're gonna do. You're not trying to manipulate anything. You're actually just trying to like move a situation along whatever the risk outcome
is. True. I, you know, I have used back in the day when I worked in an office, I did use my Dom voice a couple times in the office. Mhmm. Okay. But even that was a one of the times, I can't remember the circumstances, but there was there was just like a clusterfuck going on in the office and everybody back and forth back and forth and nobody, you know, nothing was getting settled. Everything was just, you know, chaos. Mhmm. And I just kind of, like, stepped in and said, hey.
And here's the thing. There's a there's a difference between little d domination, big d domination Mhmm. And taking charge of situations. Taking charge of a situation does not mean you've been conferred with any more power than the group you're in will allow you to have. Right? Because sometimes somebody has to step up and guide the fucking ship. That's at work. That's at home. That's wherever. And for some people,
it is either part of their personality. They're just that's just who they are, and they will do it. And or maybe you've been a dominant just long enough to have gained the self confidence that you know you can lead somebody or you can take a little bit of necessary control in a moment because you've got the experience in other ways. That does not necessarily mean you have brought your big d dominant self into the situation. It means that those skills can be transferable.
Yeah. And here's the thing too that, you know, have to keep in mind, you know, you and I with what we have negotiated with what we have in our power exchange, it was it's negotiated. Mhmm. Okay. I didn't negotiate anything with anybody at work. Right. But you but you all you understood that there's a shared outcome. There's a project to complete. There's a deadline to meet. There's a a job that everybody has to do and it has to get done. Right. So, you know, this is
why group work fucking sucks. Sometimes somebody's gotta stand up and go, okay. I'll I'll I'll drive this thing. Right? But taking that little bit of charge is not necessarily is not truly, to me, on the same level at all Mhmm. Of being a dominant in a relationship. Even if the some of the same muscles are being It's it's not going through and and trying to mind fuck the office or, you know,
manipulate people. Right. Because that's the thing. If you bring big d dominant energy into a space that's, like, not your part negotiated partner, that is that is manipulation because nobody has agreed to this behavior. Nobody has said, yeah. Sure. You can be in charge of this situation. We'll let you have that control and power. You've just come in and done it. And again, I go back to if you are a person who worries that you will do that, you are unlikely to do that. Well, I mean, it's it's
it it's morals. It's it's your morals are in play here. You know? So Personal ethics. Yeah. There's also context. So I think some people might worry that they'll forget themselves. They'll just get so used to how they behave in this situation. They'll be in other situations, and this will just come out of them almost sort of naturally. And I think context is key here because the power and control you have with your partner, that's been negotiated. And you know, you better if you didn't.
You do now that they can withdraw their consent at any point. So your behavior is geared towards what, one, whatever is sort of natural to you or what you've learned or what you're comfortable with, But also it's in direct response to a partner who is giving as much as they're receiving and you're on ideally, you're on the same page in wavelength here. You each have your role to play.
There's so much context around it, so much, you know, intimate details, so so much that goes into that that I I think it is highly unlikely that most people would just switch into that or forget themselves. If you are a person who thinks I'm gonna I'm just gonna pull this out and it's I'm gonna forget myself, that is the thing I would say keep in mind. It's all about context. Within a power exchange it's all about context. And sometimes that is harder.
Sometimes you're like, oh, I take charge in this situation. We're not in that situation.' And you gravitate. JB and I have had these moments. They are few and far between. They are always worked out. Out. But in the beginning of our relationship, the one thing that has nothing to do with our power exchange is parenting. Which means we get to do the really fun thing of butting heads someday. And never in a way that made me concerned or that was harmful or anything.
But there were a couple times if every other aspect of our life is power exchange and this one aspect isn't, it makes sense to me that JB would just carry over because this is how we interact 99% of the time. Right? Then it's on me to go, well, this you're bringing big D energy to a space that doesn't get big D energy. We are equals here. We you don't get to make this final decision. We have to make this together. And or especially early on, I am their mother.
I have to make this. I'm legally responsible for them. I have to make this decision. It's less like that now, but you know And that's a thing that if you as a dominant are worried about, then you you need to talk to your partner about it and go, you know Because not every relationship is 20 fourseven. Sometimes you're strictly bedroom only or you're strictly in sexual moments only, which are not always in the bedroom. And there might be aspects of your life that the power exchange doesn't cover.
You being aware that you might oopsie that, bring that energy to the wrong moment, that's good. But having an honest conversation dom fucking out there that's too great, too amazing, too powerful that their power can't be fucking checked. And it is checked by their partner every time. Because, yeah, you can go too far. Not not in a, nefarious way. The shitty people? That's different. I'm not talking
about them. But you can. You can be like, I'm so used to having this control, and we're having a conversation, and the context is, when I look at you, this is how I treat you, this is how I talk to you. Yeah. You will, at times, forget yourself, but that's a thing you learn over time. That takes practice. That just takes practice and a partner who's willing to say, hey. No. This this isn't this isn't okay. We can't we can't do it this way. You know? This is not this is
not our power exchange. This is something separate. Some people like to use code words, you know, to switch. It's, I think, another good reason for folks who have a very, like, narrow scope of your power exchange is these specific situations. You know, we often tell people to have a ritual at the end of the day so you can turn, like, your parent brain off or your employee brain off and turn your kink brain on and get into the mindset.
You know, I think that kind of action can serve multiple purposes. Mhmm. And to have even a variation of an action like that to go to sort of signal, hey, we're not in this mode anymore, or hey, we are in this mode. Excuse me. For anybody who does struggle with, oh, I've gotta turn my dom brain off in this conversation, but I can turn it back on in that conversation. And you know, you just kind of create boundaries around these
things. And this is the space where we'll go talk about this like this. It's just two people in a relationship, and here's the space we'll be dom subbed together and and interact in on that wavelength together. Right? To sort of differentiate. And I you know, that's I think primarily for people who do have a very strict delineation. And you know there are some things that aren't power exchange, and you know there are some things that are. For us, we don't
really have that. It was just a it was engaging in with each other until it became muscle memory. You know? Yeah. Yep. And And so there I I think I maybe needed to remind JB, like, maybe twice over all these years. And it was on something minor, you know? I didn't like it. For submissives out there, you might feel uncomfortable but you gotta do it. It's it's a little bit of the shared responsibility.
Right? That's that's your responsibility as a submissive to go to the extent that you can, to go, no, that's not allowed. I'm not okay with that.' A good partner is gonna go, oh shit. My bad. Right? Or they're gonna go calm down and you'll talk about it later. But yeah. I had to get over being uncomfortable. Truly, I was once or twice. It was Yeah. It was nothing. I think this fear comes from another space.
I think these things can overlap, and I think some people will think of this specific thing and other people will think of that specific thing. So this is another thing that came to mind. If you, as a kinkster, but specifically a dominant, have sort of internalized somewhere this message, the cliche and the stereotype that doms are really abusers, or doms are supposed to be big bad mean blah blah blah or, they take advan You know, doms take advantage of their partner. Doms can be power hungry.
Doms don't really care about that partner even though you as the individual are like, that's not true for me. I absolutely care about my partner and I'm not going to take this too far and I will do what I have consent to do. If somewhere in your lizard brain you're like, but doms are like that, I could I don't want you to believe that. I could see where that fear would come from. Will I turn into that big, mean, scary dom just by the act of domination?
Right. And no. If you were if you were the type to abuse your power, you were gonna abuse power outside of power exchange. You probably already done it or you would have done it if the opportunity, came up. Right? Broken record. If you're the type to worry about it, it's unlikely
that it's gonna happen to you. But I do think that that comes down to the very negative and narrow ways both doms and subs are viewed by, you know, non kink spaces or, you know, some of those who are like the one true way ers who are like, oh, doms are supposed
to be this and that. They're supposed to be kind of like firm and strict and harsh and bullshit bullshit bullshit, and you know you're not like that, but now you fear you might become, air quote, a real dom or that kind of dom, I I might play a part for some people.
And it's it's a pity because what it means is that the message is not is not wide enough that there are as many ways to dominate as there are dominants and that quiet, unassuming, humble domination is as valid as the loud sharp tone, you know. I'm gonna I don't even know. I y'all I'm so goddamn submissive. I don't fucking know. The kind of dom I couldn't fucking have and who couldn't fucking handle me. I would run that motherfucker off. Okay?
If I got even close enough to being comfortable to be my full self Not for the faint of heart. They they they would be so done with me so fucking quick. But and that but that's another, like, sort of disservice to doms that you get kind of pigeonholed into, well, this is what I think dominance is. And then you explore dominance and you you get to feel some of that power. You get to have those moments. Maybe you do speak harshly. Maybe you, you know, you play with dirty talk and, you
know, verbal humiliation or who knows? Like whatever it is. And you're like, oh shit. I feel like I'm sounding like that stereotype, that cliche, that not the type of dom I want to be. What if this is who I am? And there's kind of a little bit of panic there maybe. That is, I think, truly more education and listening and paying attention to your fucking
submissive. If they are loving what you are doing and they're not being harmed in a a way that's, you know, dangerous or more dangerous than the average kink play outside of risk assessment kind of stuff, I mean. They're not doing things that you can see are harmful to them or to you. It's not, you know, you're not having like
I don't know. I don't want to say you're not having moral quandaries because sometimes you have the moral quandary because you have to unlearn what, you know, society has taught you about how relationships are supposed to be. But I think there's a moment, it's sort of like the one you have, of I could tell her fucking anything and she'd believe it. That kind of moral quandary. Right?
If if you're just giving and receiving in this way you've negotiated, I think the more you do that, the more you grow in confidence as a dom, and so the less that stereotype can be a worry for you. Because now you have the experience of being a dominant the way that you dominate. And that is true. As as as one learns and one grows and and becomes more, you know, comfortable in themselves. Yeah. That's absolutely true. Absolutely. Okay. I'm looking at my notes y'all. Okay. Hold on.
Oh. We covered all the reasons I don't think you need to worry, but I'm gonna reiterate them Okay. Just to be organized in case that happens. So here's some reasons we came up with well, I don't think you probably need to worry. So I'll say it again. If you're thinking about this at all, I don't think you gotta worry. Abusers and people who don't care about boundaries are not asking themselves if they'll take things too far. They're they're not. They're not. They're seeing the line
and going, oh, cool. I can do a cartwheel over it. Just a second. I I now would like to always imagine, people crossing lines by doing cartwheels. I'm just saying. Go back to what we said before. Dominance, big d dominance happens within the context of a negotiated relationship. If you are not within that context with other people Mhmm. I think all you have
to do is remember it. Remember what When you get When you are big D and then every other time you're not, I think it's harder when you're talking to your partner that you have a power exchange with, but this is a moment where you don't get to be big D dominant. That is a time thing. That's a communication thing. You can get better at that. And then also Mhmm. Dominance is intimate. That's with or without sex. This is not a sexual intimacy. Power exchange is intimate. Right?
And I'm It's a mental intimacy. And emotional. Absolutely. So that means however you process feelings and intimacy, like how you feel it in your body, how your brain sort of goes, yes this is intimate, whatever whatever. That is a feeling that is so unique and specific that I cannot imagine too many people going into another space with other people and bringing their- in a negative way, bringing their big D dominance because they've somehow forgotten.
Because it's- there's an energy between dom and sub. Right? Within a scene or just within you're just conversing with one another and you're in your roles and, you know, you're you're dealing with something in life, but your power exchange is part of it. Right? There's a there's an intimacy to that that you're not, I don't think, getting with just like a coworker. Right?
So maybe you raise your voice or use your dumb tone, but that's not the same thing as interacting with all these people who you are not intimate with in the same way that you interact as a dom in an intimate way with your submissive. Right? So I just I think those are the reasons that most people probably don't have to worry about. I think it I think it's a I think it's a healthy sign that you're questioning. Right? That you worry you'll take things too far. That you won't
have self control. That you'll go power hungry. That you'll, you know, you know, look at me. I can control things, so now I wanna control everything. Okay. And I don't think it's gonna happen, but I think it's good that you're thinking about it. Now here's the thing we were kind of touching on. And this is where I think it's more likely for people to maybe get confused and think they're bringing Big D energy to a space that that's not that should not happen.
But it's what I said before that the skills you learn in power exchange are transferable. Becoming more forthright and clear in your communication because you got to practice with a partner so that y'all could have the power exchange you want so you can like get freaky deaky with one another and you had to say the hard thing, right? Learning that skill, I hope to God
it fucking transfers over to other shit. So you might find yourself speaking very clearly and forthrightly with a person you have never done that with before and being simple and plain and clear, but taking no shit. That's not just your big that's not a big D dominance thing. That's a thing that we all should do more of and have more healthy boundaries and sometimes we just need to say the thing that needs to be said. Right?
That's not you taking advantage or showing no self control over yourself as a dominant. Communicating your boundaries more often and easier because you have just practiced with your submissive partner and you negotiated this power exchange and it's an ongoing negotiation. And sometimes you'll be like, woah. I gotta change the limit. Woah. I can't accept that. I can't allow that. It's not an it's not an overnight thing.
It's not it's not a you will think of this every time, but the more you do it in this situation, you and your partner, easier it is to do with other people. Not always easy, but easier. And the other thing is if your self confidence increases as a dom because you're embracing this side of yourself being true to yourself, you're learning new skills, you're having this amazing fucking relationship that you could not imagine you could have,
right? That increase in confidence might make you feel like your dom self. Yeah. But, again, you might walk into a situation with that that's not power exchange at all, not kinky at all. It's work. It's whatever. But you're still carrying that confidence with you. That confidence is not just a I only am confident now when I'm doing this thing of this and this of. That's the thing you carry with you always and everywhere, right,
most of the time. And I could see where there could be, like, a wire across. You're like, oh, shit. I feel like my dominant self because I'm feeling, like, larger than it fucking charged. No. You're just confident. You just you know? You're feeling good about yourself. Your self esteem is a little bit higher. You know? Yeah. Yes. And that's just that's a And that's not necessarily a a bad thing.
No. No. Not at all. There are plenty of you know, and it happens to subs too because I know it happened to me. As you embrace your whatever your true self is, air quote that, because that's a subjective term. But you, you know, if you feel like embracing your kink self role and it's a thing that's a part of you. Right? Or you embrace this, oh shit I did a hard scary thing and now look at me enjoying life because I challenged myself to learn a hard scary thing. That that confidence it's
it just lives within you. It's just yours now. You know? And it will come out in different ways. But it happens to submissives. I promise you. The moment I understood myself, like, I didn't go through that, oh my gosh. I'm so listen. What does that say about me? Now now I went, oh, I know exactly what the fuck that says and I make a lot more sense. And I felt really good about it. Then over time and it's a lot less obvious to me at this point because it's kind of my everyday humdrum life now.
But as I learned to negotiate for what I want and to be very vulnerable and allow some shit I had never allowed before. And to do some shit I'd never done before, the confident I I grew I my confidence grew and that bled over into other parts of my life. Mhmm. You know? I think that's just how that happens and how that works. Right. But I think anybody who, in this case, we're talking doms, you recognize that feeling because you felt it in the scene, in the dynamic, talking to your sub.
I could see where for a second you might confuse that with oh shit. Am I did I just put my big d hat on in the middle of this person talking about their fucking PowerPoint? I'm sorry. It's the twenty first century slide deck. Whatever. Fucking PowerPoint. I could see it as a new dom, I could see the confusion. But no. That's that's you reaping the benefit of what a happy, healthy power exchange can can do for you can be for you. So yeah.
Yeah. I feel like there's something I wanted to ask you about all this. Did you the the things we talked about, like, what sound like big d dominance, but isn't. Mhmm. Did you have those experiences where as you got more into power change, as you did more of these things, the the confidence and the whatever transferred over another part you're the skills transferred over. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Absolutely. And that's all you got to say about
that. Give you. Yep. If anybody ever wants to know, why does Kayla talk so much? Because that is the podcast you would get, y'all. That is the podcast you would get. Do you think other people in your life noticed the change? I think some did. Yes. Absolutely. Did they was it a they noticed it or was there a reaction to it? Were they surprised? Were they I I think it was a little bit of a surprise. Because what had you been like before? Because you were mostly yourself. I mean Yeah.
Embracing dominance doesn't mean you become a whole new person. Mhmm. But the thing, the confidence and the To to a certain extent, I mean, I'm I'm still kind of this way, but, you know, because I was off in my corner just doing my work and, you know Head down. Head down. Just, you know yeah. Yeah. A little bit of a leave me the fuck alone vibe if I recall. Yeah. I'm
not gonna lie. I like that some of the skills are transferable because as the aforementioned sisters who cannot I don't know how people who are planners and anxious can't make a fucking decision. I just don't know. Especially when they are very intent on having things the way they like them in their own, like, nuclear relate like, just them and a partner or them in their household. Oh, they're gonna do it the way they wanna do it. But you get a couple of them together.
If he didn't use that tone, we would just go hungry every fucking visit. We'd just all be eating peanut butter and jelly. I do like I do like it when you do it. I've heard you. It's not oh, here's a way I here's a way I tease JB about big d voices. Because we think about the sharp tone, the, like, you're you're about to be in trouble tone. There are other tones that are is a Dom voice.
I knew I knew we were not connecting quite as intimately in our kink life when I realized that Lola was getting called good girl more than I was. Oh my god. And do you do not question it. You know I fucking said something. You know I made a snarky comment about it. Of course. And it's not like JB, like, rolls over and just does what the fuck I want, but he did take it to heart. There's a little bit more praise in my life after that. Do I do I tease him about it?
Sure. Of course I do. Of course she does. Because Lola is the best good girl. I'm I'm not disputing that. That's that's a fact. Okay? But when you as the specimen over there going, you know, I'd like like to be somebody's good girl too. Is that a hot minute? I'm just saying. So I I for anybody who has this fear, this worry, you know yourself more than than I I can't tell you what you need to do. So I would say check-in with yourself. You know? Where are you worried about it happening?
Is it within the context of your relationship, but outside your power exchange? That's a conversation with your partner. Are you worried about it happening in other parts of your life that have nothing to do with kink? Ask yourself why. Like where's the fear coming from? Is it the stereotype I'm gonna turn into some big asshole meanie? Right? Is it because you're you're feeling some of the feelings that dominance gives you, you carry with you. Right? The ability to
communicate, the boundaries, the confidence. Right? And that makes you uncomfortable. Is it because you are sometimes surrounded by motherfuckers who need somebody to go, Hey, we gotta get this done. Right? Like think about what it is that you're concerned about and then focus on that aspect. What can you do
for yourself to remind yourself? Or and when I say remind yourself, not to remind yourself that you're gonna immediately, like, forget yourself, lose all self control and become, you know, this big asshole big d dom again in a stupid fucking meeting about a Power Any I don't miss those things. Like, what is it that like, can you give yourself a mental cue? Can you just go, hey. Nope. This doesn't feel intimate at all. This
ain't the space. You know, talk yourself through those situations where you worry that it's gonna happen and then see if you can't put little things in place for yourself. Right? Like maybe it's just a reminder about context. Maybe it's a reminder. Hey. I am not naked with these people right now, so I know this isn't the time and space for that. Right? Like, whatever it is. And, you know and like JB like JB, be aware. It it
will hit you in other times. The more your partner puts their trust in you, the more power you have, the more responsibility you have. Yeah. To be careful with that power. Yeah. Yes. And then if you are a person who has maybe you have multiple partners, you've ended one relationship next, then you just have to remember that every partner you ever encounter is going to be different. Your what you did with this massive partner over here, you may not do. You're gonna be who you are as a dom. Like,
we all have our personalities as kinksters. Things we like, this is who we are. But the way we interact is dependent upon the people. So as long as you do not go into every interaction with a new potential partner with assumptions about this is how you dominate and so this is how you're gonna treat this person before you negotiated, before they've agreed, before you're dynamic, whatever whatever whatever, you know, I think you're fine. I think I think you'll be fine.
And also, you know, be the kind of dom you wanna see out in the world. If you are, you know, a victim to the stereotype of true doms or this and you're like, I think that guy's an asshole. I don't want to be that kind of dom. Right? And when I say guy, I do not all doms are not men. All doms are just like all subs are not female. But, you know, you don't want to be that stereotype, right? Then don't be. You know, embrace whoever you are as a dom and then be that person when it's appropriate.
JB's style of dominance, some people they cannot handle it. They don't understand it. They think it's not real. You know, they think he's way too lenient with me. He is to a certain extent because that's what works for us. Y'all just aren't there when he is no longer lenient. True true true. Because that's part of what I think doms need. Of all genders, of all identities, of all types of people, we need to see more flavors of Dom. Right. We need to see that dominance can
look like so many different ways. It's not just pigeonholed into one thing. Right. And it's not that big thing you're scared of. It's whoever you are as a big d, whatever that means, whatever that looks like, as long as it's consensual. Somebody likes it if you're doing it with a partner and they're still there and everybody's happy. So that is, air quote, real dominance. Right? So anyway, I guess I've done lecturing. Yeah. Alright. Do you have anything else you want? I don't think so. No. Okay.
So, are we good? I don't know. Keep it kinky, y'all. I will see you next week. Daddy. Yes, baby girl? Can we talk about the crickets? Sure. You know, I think we're the pendulum is swinging. Last week took so fucking long. This week, so fucking short. Mhmm. I I got I guess I don't embrace that not every episode has to be an hour and a half. That's true. Sometimes you can sum up a topic in a brief amount of time. Yeah. It doesn't feel right if I don't have lots and lots of words.
Have I done my job if I have not talked y'all's ear off? As the kids call it, yapping, which I think we called it yapping too. Did we just have different context for it? Does it mean something different? No. I don't know. The yapping. I'm a yapper from way the fuck. My family love I don't know how old I was when I first started talking. I
have no fucking clue. I don't care. But I do remember the stories of the family proudly proclaiming how that I was very young when I started talking and once I started, I have not shut up since. That is accurate. You actually know things are not doing well if I'm really fucking quiet. To the extent that if I get quiet for too long, JB just kinda comes up. It's a little What's wrong? It's a little bit like, somebody approaching, like, a a wild animal.
Like, he's real. He's moving slow. Right. He's not making direct eye contact right away. Mhmm. His voice is very calm and kinda low and soothing. And he'll check-in. Am I okay? I've gotten better. You know, when you work with some of these feral animals, it's Look. Chaos goblins are, to their core, feral. Just hang on. The thing I've gotten better about though, when I when I stop talking, I have withdrawn. And there's there's all kinds of reasons. Right? I've gotten better at
telling him what the hell's going on. It is almost never at this point because I'm upset with him. If I'm upset with him, he'll know. We will be talking about it. Don't you worry. But for you know, I think a lot of people can relate. Most of my life, if I got really quiet and somebody tried to, like, check-in, probably because I didn't have a sense of trust with them like I do with JB or something, I'd go, I'm fine. I'm fine. Like, how many of us have done that? It's nothing.
JB does not get that privilege anymore. JB gets to hear, which I actually think is a good thing. Yeah. It is. It is. It is. And so I think you've learned some things about me over the years when I finally gone, okay. Here's the reason I'm crying right now. Here's what I'm lying about. Here's what I'm thinking. Here's what's going on with me. And you're like, holy shit. Okay. I don't know what to do about it, but I'll be supportive. It's, led to me receiving some interesting emails.
Yeah. That those were times, when my quietness was not because there was anything wrong. It was because I was grappling with all of the, oh my god, this relationship and these things we're doing and I'm this is so far outside of my comfort zone. What do you mean I have to I'm I trust him. I trust him. What does that mean? I don't thoughts. So many thoughts. So many thoughts.
You know, Awkwardish Panda I agree. Awkwardish Panda says, in the year of our goddess 2026, feral gremlin is the only correct energy. Yes. Because I quite frankly, I don't think this world is gonna change the way it needs to until more of us are fucking feral goblins. Just saying. Just saying. I have been fucking glued to my Instagram a And we just need more feral goblins. That's all I'm saying. Yeah. Anyway I agree. Silent asked if we talked about our new
lamp yet. No. We haven't. So our new lamp is Lola. Lola is our new lamp. She has to wear a cone of shame for a couple weeks. Yeah. Well, she's she's had the problems with her eye Mhmm. For some for a couple years now. One. If you ever seen a picture of her, she comes I mean, I know we talked about it when it was all sort of happening. Yeah. It's a very hazy eye from an old injury. It doesn't usually impact her negatively Correct. But in the past,
a little bit It it has. And, you know, day before yesterday, actually, it was, you know, kinda saw something that was has both going, that's not quite right. That eye was swollen and pink and yucky looking. So we, got got a hold of the Veterinary ophthalmologist. Yeah. That's wild to me. And, they were able to get us right in, and apparently it was mostly a good thing. There were there had been some change in her eye.
One of the things that I do with the eye drops twice a day, to keep the eye from ulcers. Mhmm. Right? And said, oh Yeah. And, Ulcers within the eye because of the imbalance of the fluid. Correct. They were explaining it to us, and I was just like, okay. Just tell us what to do. Yeah. So, she is, to keep her from from rubbing at her eye because it it does get uncomfortable. And they think that's part of what was happening. Her eye was uncomfortable. She was rubbing or
scratching at it. Then she created an like a sore ulcer in the corner of her her eye, but not her eyeball. Yeah. And so every time she would go and scratch or rub at it, it would make it worse and couldn't heal up. So they Yeah. They were like cone of shame. Yep. Cone of shame. So we we she is now in in cone of shame. I am three times a day, I am putting a drop of antibiotic Mhmm. And then four times a day
with the other eye drops. And that is about the fluid in the That one helps remove the fluid that If there's a pressure, if there's too much fluid buildup and Mhmm. And all of this is because at some point, unbeknownst to us, maybe the cat scratched her, maybe something else, she got an injury in her eye. And instead of just healing and going away, it it developed this cloudy thing.
And the more it developed the cloud thing, the more the fluid pressure thing anybody who understands eyeballs will understand this way better than I'm explaining it. And yeah. The what I so we have now she pointed it out at our appointment. We've now met with every vet at the veterinary ophthalmology office. Yes. We have. Which is fine. They're all lovely. Yeah. They they really are. They're wonderful people. Yeah. So this one explained what we might be looking at in the future.
Yeah. And then that is surgery. You know? She's like they said, we're gonna try, you know, help you keep this at bay, which means drops four times a day when it was two times a day. Yeah. Taking care of Lola and her meds is JB's part time job. I I don't even get mad that I am on cat litter duty and cat pee duty so often because, you know what? At least I am not organizing
Lola's meds. She has her own, like I I organizer pill I I had to get a pill organizer for her, because things were getting, you know, she takes this then, and she gets that now, and and then, of course, there's later. Right. You know, I mean, she, you know, she she's getting to be an older gal and she, you know, and, yeah. She she's on some different she's on some supplements. She's on some medications.
So, you know, yeah. I I I I tried so many different things, you know, to keep straight with it, and I I finally was like, no. I I got the, the pill minder. Mhmm. Mhmm. And that has been a wonderful thing. And you should thank God she is so good at taking pills. Yeah. Because she'll eat almost anything. Right. Right. We don't have to fool her, trick her, just pop it in with something. Because Saki, we had to, Oh, yeah. He would eat around it if
you didn't hide it. Yeah. The cats are not like that at all. I hope I hope, knock on wood, we never have to give them a daily medication. Oh my god. I was going somewhere with that. Yeah. I can't remember where I was going with it. But it's the eye drops. She hates and I don't blame her. I don't like anything coming in my eye either. But that is when you get you talk about it a lot, the reminder that we know with pitties, I'm sure with other dogs, when they don't want to be moved,
they won't that head gets so heavy. It it does. It puts all like, that's all her weight into it. Yeah. I don't know what she's doing. I know. It's it's funny. You know, she she tolerates the eye drops. And because she's a very good one. She she is. She's she really is. We're very lucky. And, you know, but she lets me know her displeasure. I think it helps. Because get that that that that pity grunt, and then the head just kinda Her head
now weighs a million pounds. Mhmm. But, you know, you have you know you know the girls in your life. Okay? Much like her mother, Lola is quite food motivated. And so I think she also tolerates it because she knows. She's getting the good snack Right. After. Yeah. She and and she does, you know. Yeah. She she gets a good snack for
it. Yeah. So Now I think I might have mentioned this last week because I had made the call and JB had clutched his pearls, worried I was just gonna send Lola off with a nefarious stranger or something. So when we go out of town in February, we have to board Lola, and we can't board her at the vet. So I guess this is the only place probably because that other place never called me back. Okay. So found the highest rated places that, you know, dog border boarding places.
And the vet actually recommended these people. And the vet recommended this one, and we scheduled our tour of the facility Mhmm. And their meet and greet with Lola. Yeah. And Lola will stay there for a few hours to have a little, She gets like a, you know Yeah. Little field trip. A doggy daycare kind of thing. And if they do not immediately love her, I'm not leaving her with those people. Because I haven't met a dog person. Like non dog people, I get it. But dog people?
The only dog people I've ever come across who did not immediately love her, we didn't like them anyway. Like, before before they gave Lola the cold shoulder Right. We didn't like them. Yeah. Because here's the thing. We had a neighbor. The person who used to own this house we bought it from, she was terrified planet. I will I creature on the planet. I will I will hear no argument on that. That is fact. Okay? So, yeah, if they don't immediately fall in
love with her see Something's wrong. Right. For her, it's gonna be, are you feeding me and are you rubbing my my belly? And if anybody does that, she's she's fine. So yeah. JB does not doesn't have to worry that I'm just gonna, like, stick her in just any, you know, ratty old rundown motel for dogs. He gets to go tour the facility. I tried to call. I did call. I had to leave I've made a phone call, so many fucking phone calls, with the other place
to say, hey. Do because they didn't say on their website if they offer tours or anything like that. And I was like, you know, is this something you offer? Please let me know. Give me a call. Blah blah blah. And they have, like, on their voice mail, they're very explicit. Like, these are the hours we will not be returning calls because we are working with our dogs. Blah blah blah. Yeah. That was two days ago. And I was like, apparently. That's a lot of work.
Silent Silent said, well, that's the trick, I guess. If Kayla wants to hear more good girl, she needs to start using eye drops. Let me tell y'all, I am so ugh about eyes. If I ever had to use eye drops, JB would have to hold my head and do it for me like he does for Lola. The the only saving I'd need to, tie you down. The only saving grace is he would not have to get on the floor with me. He could sit, like, next to me. But I would have to be have to go, just daddy, just do it. Just do it.
Also, can I have a snack when we're done? Because I was a very brave girl. You know? Folks, I wanna tell you I wanna tell y'all what I do for this. It's so cute. Okay? She you know, she may joke, I may not call her a good girl all the time. Alright. This one fell in love with the lime diet Cokes. Oh, y'all. Yeah. I'm so sad. It was just like a seasonal or a turkey. Right. Over the holidays and then it then and then it vanished.
We were out yesterday and I told her we need to go We had to go to Walmart. Yeah. JB had a, a procedure yesterday. I I they did an end We can talk about that on Friday night at the the chaotic But, anyway, I I told her we had to go to produce section. I know. I kept going, what the fuck? And I'm thinking in my head, I'm like, I know what food we have. I know what food we're cooking. Usually it usually it's for bananas. And I had asked three times, oh, bananas? Bananas?
Mhmm. No. My idea was that I remember years ago, you used to be able to get the lemon juice in the little Mhmm. Bottles that look like a lemon. So I wanted to see if you could still get that and get the lime. So I got her a thing of lime, so she can make her own lime Cokes at home. I could have put more in this one today and I Okay. I'm experimenting because you you can put not enough in and just add more, but you can't take it out
if you put too much in it. And I'm not trying to ruin my diet Coke. Well, I don't know if you saw on the thing. It said, I think, one tablespoon Two tablespoons equals the juice of one One medium lemon, I think. Lime. Yeah. Or lime. Yeah. Sorry. And, typically, what I've when I've had Diet Coke with Lime, like, at a bar made for me, whatever whatever, it's like a wedge. It's like just a little bit. Yeah. It's refreshing. It's, you know,
still good. And here's the thing. If Diet Coke is already 99% water and I add in lime juice, which is some percentage of water. And it's fruit. Right? Yeah. Fruit. So basically So you're drinking sangria. Right? You're drinking sangria. No. I am both meeting my water intake hydration goals for the day and getting a serving of fruit. This is basically a salad. Okay? At least you didn't say it was a smoothie. No. God. And it says I could add more Diet Coke. Only if I have room in
the cup. Only if I have room in the cup can I add more Diet Coke? So, yeah, it was very sweet. I'm we're in Yeah. Fucking Walmart. And there's in every grocery store I've ever gone to, there's something about the produce section and the meat section. Everybody forgets how grocery stores work and how carts work and where they are in time and space. And so I'm, like, trying to get through the crowd of people who have got their
carts in every which way. And I don't know where he's going and I don't know what he's looking for and he won't tell me because he's trying to surprise me and but I'm, like, battling everybody in their cart. Produce is like its own little side quest. Oh, God. It's like this It's laid out differently than the rest of the store. Of all the reasons, we do not get enough fruits and vegetables in our diet, I think the hell that is the produce section is a little bit of it. A little bit.
Well, hell, even at the farmer's market. Yeah. People, like, crowd it and elbow each other out of the way. Oh my god. Oh my god. So anyway no. I'll tell you later. No. I'll tell you later. No. I'll tell you later. Oh, yeah. Oh, boy. No, boy. It's weird because I speak like, there's a term for it and I can't think of it, but the expression because mine is off the cuff. Like, I just extemporaneously? I don't know. Words are hard.
And I kinda just have a like, there's not always a filter from brain to mouth in general, but even with the mic and the camera. And I just say what I'm thinking and I thankfully I still have enough of a, like, at least like a yellow flashing yellow light slowdown situation to go, oh, wait. No. That's not that's not for everybody. Alright. Are you telling me we gotta stop Yeah.
And be done? Mhmm. Is it because you really want me to, like, do a good job on this, chicken and dumpling and the crock pot recipe I'm trying to earn? Absolutely. That's what it is. Yeah. It's not because you're done and ready to whatever, and you you got other things you need to do. It's so that you know that I will have a better outcome of our dinner. Absolutely. That's what it is. That's what it is. That's what it is. Anyway I don't even I don't know. My brain just shut
off there for a second. I was reading live chat and then I was trying to like too. Yeah. Remember what I had been saying so I understood the context? I'd already forgotten. And then my mind just, like, wandered off the path alone. And for, like, I guess, half a second, it was just an empty shell sitting here. I don't know where I was, but I was gone. Oh, dear. So, anyway, I guess we're gonna go.
Friday night livestream is this week. Reminder, reminder, if you are not paying attention, pay attention now. New start time on the Friday night livestream. Just the Friday night livestream once a month. 8PM, eight eight, y'all. 8PM Eastern to 10PM Eastern. It's two hours now, but we start earlier because we are old and tired. Okay. Alright. We're gonna go. Okay. Bye bye. Alright. Bye. Bye.