You're listening to the loving BDSM podcast episode 425. Kayla Lurtz here with the one, the only guy who could put up with whatever I am, John Brownstone, and is clearly also kind of a masochist because he seems to enjoy it. That's all I'm saying. He hadn't been screaming into the night yet. So Not yet. No. After how many years? Right. Yeah. You've you've kinda done this to yourself. And And for the long haul now live with the consequences of your choices. Every day. Every day. I know.
Look. Over my shoulders. Your life would be colorless, dull, and muted without me in it. And we both know this to be true. Be a be like a black and white photo from the dust bowl. Right. Exact exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Anyway, that's not what we're talking about today. Although my ability to tease like that, is part of the conversation because Yeah. It's a it's a thing that is, I feel like it's slowly warming back up and coming back online.
This week we are, talking about the reemergence, the reconnection to our kinky selves, what it's felt like, what we've noticed, where we're each individually at, in that journey. So, yeah, that's what we're gonna talk about this week. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this is your first time listening, glad to have you. If you're back for another week, welcome back. Loving BDSM is produced every Monday Friday for your kinky pleasure and education. Show notes are found at lovingbdsm.net.
Go back often and feel free to add the podcast to your favorite podcast app. You could also follow the show on Fetlife at loving BDSM PC on Instagram and technically threads at that handle I will forever fucking hate. Loving d s and the number one. So it's at loving d s one. And if you think that's a weird, ugly handle, yeah, me too. That's why I hate it. On Blue Sky, it's at loving BDSM and then a whole bunch of stuff after it. So just, you know, search us as loving BDSM. We're there.
Or on YouTube at youtube.com/loving BDSM, where you can watch us live stream the podcast every Wednesday. All links are in the show notes. Okay. So before we get into this week's episode, announcements. The first one is, apparently time is moving even faster than before. Wow. Because this Friday, January 17th yes. I looked at a calendar 5 times to know that I'm saying correctly. January 17th is our Friday night livestream virtual launch. Starts at 9:30 PM EST.
We are making a change for 2025 because we are trying to get our lives back. We are ending at 11 PM EST. We used to go till midnight. We don't have that kind of stamina. Our our Saturdays cannot handle that. So we're gonna end at 11. That's part q and a, part just chatting and whatevering. Mhmm. So, yeah, that that will be, this Friday for podcast listeners. That's the day this episode comes out. It is the 3rd Friday of every month.
That sometimes changes in December because holidays, but 3rd Friday, ta da. Next announcement. I sucked up about 15 minutes of time last week talking about it, so I'll make it a little shorter this time. You know, 14 minutes. We're in our annual Patreon membership drive. Look. You are welcome to, encouraged, and invited to join our Patreon at any point in the year, but there are some perks if you join during the membership drop. So first of all, you can join
for as little as $2 a month. No matter what tier you select, you get, several of the same perks. Access to our Discord server. It is the only way to get access to that server. Behind the scenes, podcast episode where this year, we're gonna talk about what all of what's going on in our life, but we're also gonna focus on what what kind of progress we're making towards getting our DSLs back. And then we alternate months between a game night and a movie
night. Game night is Cards Against Humanity, where we find out that we are all going to hell. And movie night Which will be in good company. Right. I know. And movie night is probably gonna focus on kink BDSM movies, but then there's holidays and we might watch something else. This that's new this year, so it will be a learning curve to do that. Mhmm. If you, join the $5 tier, you get access to something new that JB is doing, bedtime stories with JB, audio recordings of JB's voice. Mine will be
nowhere near it. It's all him, if you like listening. And $10 tier, you get access to every digital product that's usually on our Etsy store, coloring books, workbooks, planner sheets. You get all that, at no additional cost. You can download anytime you need. If you join during the membership drive though, if you sign up as an annual member, you get 2 months free. You pay for 10 months. You get access for a year.
Regardless of how you join monthly or annual, everybody who joins during the membership drive through February 15, 2025 will get a goodie, an extra thing that you're not having to pay extra for. It's part of a membership. So everybody's gonna get a new BDSM workbook that I'm in the process of writing and is solely focused on communication. I started, like, brain dumping ideas today, and I can already visualize the structure. I hope
it's good. Everybody gets that. If you are in the $10 tier during our membership drive, you will get an exclusive 10th anniversary loving BDSM, enamel pin. I still have to get the design finalized for that, but it'll be our logo. And then it'll say something like 10th anniversary, 2015 to 2025, because, yes, 2025 is our 10th podcast anniversary. So that is the Patreon. I tried to say it fast and not suck up too much time.
The link is in the places. I also have a blog post, on the Loving BDSM website that outlines everything I just rushed through. So if you are a person who needs to go back and, like, read it for yourself, it's there. So yeah. We we would love to have any and all of you. For anybody who's like, I'd love to do that. I'd love to support you, but I am broke. Man, I feel you. Okay?
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Okay. We're gonna get into the episode. Cool. Cool. Okay. Let's see. So this episode originally started out when I was jotting notes down. I have so many notes y'all. I'm I'm not organized, but I am attempting. Because I was had been thinking before the end of 2024, I think we were still in, like, November time frame, maybe early December, about I could feel my baby girl side peeking her head like like a mere cat. Not quite sure.
She she is up like a mere cat now and is fully visible to, JB's detriment. And, you know, I I've been thinking about that because I could see things, like, clearly happening, and I, you know, I like to analyze every freaking thing I do and say and think. Anyway, and I thought that was gonna be the topic
originally. And then when JB said at the end of 2024 that he just doesn't even feel like his dominant self, and that's what he'd like to get back to, I was like, oh, that makes a better conversation if we talk about both sides of the slash. But we are at different points Mhmm. In that journey, in that experience. It is something I think that we are going through as individuals
Yeah. That is currently impacting in a positive way our power exchange, but it's it's not at the same pace, and the impact is gonna shift and change over time. Something that we're each going through individually, but also together. Right. Right. Yeah. So we're gonna talk about our own individual perspectives and, you know, where we can see it impacting our power exchange. The thing for anybody watching, you do not have to relate to being a daddy dom.
You do not have to relate to being a baby girl. Any part of your kinky self, if you've have had the experience or are going through the experience of kind of having to, like, push that down because the rest of life is lifing, I I I think that would be relatable. So the things I'm doing or that JB is doing will not be a one to 1, hey. Do this, because it won't apply to everybody. But just the the act of thinking about it and focusing on it and maybe doing some obsessive
anal analyzing like I do. You know? Whatever. Hopefully, can help anybody else out there maybe going through something similar. So when we when I we were talking about doing this topic this week, you weren't even sure how you wanted to contribute to the conversation because you weren't sure if you were ready to talk about it or what you had to say. Correct. But I suck up all the oxygen always. So I would like to hear your perspective as
a dom, as a daddy, as well. I was prepared to just sit here and and look cute. You did that for the video we recorded earlier today. Anybody wants to time it? I think you spoke about 3 minutes, over 15 minutes. Pretty much. But, you know, you I mean, I I set the tone and you That's true. And you kinda, like, sit back and let me go. Yeah. Right. So I would like to return the favor. Return the favor. Okay. So what what has this been like for you? How is it starting? What's it feeling
like? It it feels good. I I think one of the one of the, big things that I I am kind of surprised at, but happy for. Mhmm. A lot of it is coming back as muscle memory. Mhmm. Mhmm. Alright. And which I'm grateful for because that had me a little nervous. Well, like, you forgot maybe you forgot how to do this. Well, you know, certain things, you know, they always say, you know, use it or lose it. Sure.
Sure. Sure. Okay? Mhmm. And and, you know, I I know that just like I've been removed from IT for, you know, how many years now. Right. You know, I the the stuff today is not Not the same. Yeah. Not the same. So, you know, it's it it kinda goes with that. So I it so for that aspect, yes. I'm I'm I'm very grateful that, you know, that that is still there. I I think what I enjoy I I have been, you know, like I said earlier, my my word for the year is mindfulness.
And and I find myself, you know, thinking about bedtime. Okay. Okay. And not just because you're ready to go to sleep. And not just because I'm ready to go to sleep. Yeah. No no no no no. Okay. No. I'm I'm I'm thinking about, what can I do this evening? Well How can I, you know yeah? So when you tease the shit out of me with, like, half a butt rub, that's, like, intentional? Great. Thank you, daddy. I appreciate you so much. You're welcome, baby girl.
Okay. So what else other than torturing me at bedtime you know, right now, I I think that's the two main things that I've I've been seeing and kind of feeling. When can you pinpoint when that started popping up for you? Like, when you felt like you could do that or it started back up? I I think I I felt the first twinges probably early last week.
Yeah. That feels about right. You know, I I I would have to say, I, you know, it kinda like with you peeking out, it it kinda peaked out for me over break when we took our our winter break. Yeah. And, it just kinda kept building momentum from there. Does it you know, it's muscle memory and now you're, like, anticipating bedtime and planning and is it a strange feeling? Is it an exciting feeling? Is it is it I mean, I'm assuming good or Yeah. We would not
be here. But but, like, how is it making you feel? Good. Good. Okay. And and also, I I think the the word I would have to say is is trepiditious, maybe. Mhmm. Mhmm. A little nervous. Yeah. A little little nervous about it, you know, because it has, you know, been a bit. Mhmm. And, you know, yeah. It it's it's good, but there's still that little, you know, hinge there. Yeah. It's probably too soon for you since, like you said, for you, it's kinda started literally
a week ago. Mhmm. Do you notice a difference yet between when you used to be able to just do this naturally and how it feels now, or is it just too was it too soon? You know what? I I am not I I thus far, I have done fairly well of not comparing the 2. Mhmm. And I'm trying not to. Yeah. I I don't want to do that if I can help it. Mhmm. If that makes any sense. No. That makes sense. I'm I'm the in the same boat. I'm not I would
not purposely make a comparison. I think it's more of a, if it hit me that, oh, this is actively different in whatever way, then I might notice it. And so I just wondered if you noticed it. Yeah. That's Okay. And because we'll probably get to this as we go. But the little changes that you have felt with yourself and the the changes you're experiencing, do you see how it is impacting our relationship together? I I think I see how it's impacting everything
with us together. Okay. Okay? There is a certain, I can't think of the word, feeling Mhmm. Difference in the way things have been? Like, do you mean in our interactions or just is it the is it the vibe that's feeling different? Or It it's the interaction. It it's the interaction, and I think it's just in all aspects of us, not just in our DS, but, you know, in our in our work, in our personal it it's it's like it it is a whole different feeling. At least to me, it is. Right. Right.
And I I'm how am I trying to so new for you because it's just now starting for you. I don't know how to I don't even know what I'm trying to ask, but I do know what I'm trying to ask. I'm so great at this podcasting thing. It's I think it's more of a how since you have said you you feel it in all parts of our lives, how does that seem to be manifesting for you? Like, what are you seeing or feeling? Are there any specifics? I I can't really pinpoint any specifics right
now. It's it's just a feeling. It's It's a vibe. It it's a vibe. The vibe. Yeah. It's the way, things are flowing between us. Mhmm. Okay. You know, that's that's kind of what meh. I will say you got you got a little testy we got a little testy with one another, but you got a little testy with me, sometime in the past week. And it Yeah. A couple days ago. Yeah. It was easier to, like, get to that point of turning that off. Not turning off how we feel, but, like,
coming back to center, which is Mhmm. It is us against the against the problem. Like, neither of us was saying anything contrary to what the other was saying. We were literally on the same page. We just used different words. Mhmm. And me going, hey. Hey. Hey. I agree with you. I'm saying it differently, but I completely agree with you. We're on the same team. You heard that better than who you have in a long, long time. Long time, y'all. Yep. Once once you said that, yeah, I am
I yeah. Mhmm. Yeah. Yep. And which was kind of a relief because right now, knock on some kind of wood, you know. Yeah. Here. It's not it's not nothing is bad. Anything that's not great is manageable. Nothing like there's like, there should be no reason for us to be at each other's throat. And especially not when we're trying to say the same thing, but literally just using different words. Different words. Yep. Yep. I don't know how
we do that. I don't know how we could be in complete disagreement and yet be on opposite ends of the conversation. But it's so wild. So from your perspective and and finding your now here's the other thing I would ask real quick. It's so new. Maybe you haven't had a chance to, like, parse it out in your mind. Mhmm. What's coming back to you? Is it general dominance? Is it daddy dominance? What what are you feeling? All of the above. Gotcha. All of the above.
Yeah. Okay. Mhmm. We will have to check-in again several months when both of us had have had time, but JB's had, like, more time to really process what he's feeling. Because I have at least, on some levels, been noticing this for myself, like I said, since November, December time. So is there anything else you would like to add about your perspective as a dominant? Okay. So Spotlight on you. So I'll say this. For me, the thing that came back first that I noticed
was my baby girl side. Now for anybody who happens to be new here and and I haven't said it in a long time, the way I define my baby girl side, it is sort of on the little spectrum, but it is not like, I put it on the my baby girl ness on the little spectrum because I like things that would not be considered adult or age appropriate. I can behave in ways that would not look like, you know, a functioning adult should probably behave. I will whine. I will pout.
You know? I will jump up and down and, you know, like most mature adults don't. Right? Like, I'll I'll have those reactions that are kind of childlike, but I do not have an age. I do not have specific childlike activities. There are things I like to do, but I don't have any that I gravitate towards. And, you know, we don't spend specific time in that daddy little space with one another. The baby girl part of me, it just is part of everything I do. In general, it's a vibe more than anything
else. So that's how I define it. You can define it differently for yourself. I don't care. None of my business. That's how I define it. So I feel like I'm in the little world, but I would not, you know, classify myself as a little like others might. Anyway, so here's how I noticed it coming back first, and I think you noticed it. When I say it, you're gonna remember. I got very comfortable with whining very quickly.
Like, out of nowhere. Like, one day, I was, like, this tense, like, stressed out, like, mom person who was just, like, real short and sharp and just let's get shit done, and I don't have time and patience. And then another moment, I was, but I don't wanna do that. What happened? The whining is strong with this one. It is. Oh my god. The when I like, I don't know if it was as the words are coming out of my mouth or if it was in the millisecond after, but I went,
holy shit. Like, all internally. Like, what? Who? Where? And then, of course, anybody who knows me or has been here long enough knows I have to analyze that shit. Why did that happen? It took me a while because I think I whined, like, once, and then you gave me a weird look because it had been a while. Mhmm. And then we went about our, like, life. And then, you know, within days, it when I was upset about something, it was I don't there was nothing mature. I was
very pouty whiny. I don't nothing mature. I was very pouty whiny. I don't wanna. Why do I have to do this? And what I realized is that for me to even have ever shown my baby girl side in the first place, I had to have a sense of safety. I had to feel like Right. You know, it was okay for me to do this. Now, hold tight, Bill, with JB, it's always been okay for me to do this, but I think the the sense of safety had to be
within myself as well. And, you know, for my whole life, but, like, for the past several years, I've had to stay in a certain controlled mode of, at any point, shit will hit the fan and I better be prepared for it, which does not always leave a lot of time to just relax into a more childlike style. Right? A a less mature style, of being. And so I was like, oh, I'm I'm complaining. But, clearly, I'm feeling something that is allowing me
to to start here. And I think maybe the first couple times I did it was sort of like like raising a flag to see how you would react. Like, again, a testing order is, is it safe to soften? Is it safe to just let go of the being a completely responsible adult 247? It's awful. Do not recommend. So that's I don't know how long that lasted where it was just it was not constant whining. No. No. No. I got shit to do, and I'm a grown ass adult. But if I was unhappy and it was
small stuff. It was it was when I was unhappy about thing choices my my daddy dom was making. Like, was it time to go to bed? I wasn't ready to go to sleep. Was it time to turn out the turn off the bedroom lamp, which is the signal of put your phone slash book down. Like, it's time to actually attempt to go to sleep. I was not ready. Was my butt rubbed long enough? Never. The limit does not exist. Okay?
And it was stuff like that. I think that's a given between, you know, you with the butt rubs, Lola with belly rubs, you know, never there there is no such thing. I can never rub enough for either of you. Just saying. So, you know, it was in those moments. It was in our very DSC kind of moments. I think I might have even whined over a task that I have done every day for clear literally over 10 years now, cause we moved in together in 2014.
Like, and it was a way to safely, share my unhappiness, but in a way that I that we used to do that you recognize is not me coming at you as an equal in the this is a problem in our life and we need to fix. It's a Right. I know I have to do these things, but I don't wanna do them. And I'm letting you make me do them because that's how this works, but, it kinda sucks. And then some point after I think it was maybe a week or so. Might have been less, might have been more.
The positive side started to come out. I started to y'all, I literally was giggling. Not always, not at everything. But JB would say something in his daddy dom voice, and I would just, like, tit her as though like, it was that's so weird. That's so weird. I was like, what is happening? He would you know, we would have good news or we'd have a moment that was, like, really positive. And I'd be like, yay.
And jumping up at, like, just not the the part of me that I had been allowed to inhabit or felt like I could inhabit consistently for a while. Like, there was because the baby girl side of me is is part of who I am, yet absolutely peaked out, you know, for the past several years as, you know, new life life. But to have a consistent experience with it, that was unheard of anymore.
And it was just it was just sort of coming out of me, and I was realizing, okay, if I felt and this was my the part of my brain that does all the analysis. I was like, if I was safe enough to to show negative emotion and to say I don't like this, I don't want this in a cutesy safe way, then clearly I am safe enough to relax completely into that no thoughts, just vibes. I'll giggle my way through this good thing, whatever this good thing might be.
Like, JB bringing me a treat or him stopping so we could get a diet coke without me asking. O m g. Look. The weight of my heart is little treats. Snacky snacks and drinky drinks while we're out. Get me every time. Bring me one home when I wasn't expecting it. You'll get a blow job within, like, 5 seconds. I'm just saying. Just saying. JB's like, wait. I need to rethink this. Which I find ironic. You can have one whenever the fuck you want. That's how we roll. Right.
Now here's the other thing that started happening, and this was more towards towards our break time. When we finally could relax, we did the thing we have not done in years and took an actual break. Yep. I mean, I still had some work, but it was so minimal. And there were several days we didn't do anything. And I think I talked about this last week, is where our sex life came back.
And it and so and I think part of this is because my baby girl side, my submissive side, they're all interconnected. Just because one facet of my personality peaks up doesn't mean the the rest is not there. So to be relaxed and safe enough to baby girl it up led to, you know, plus I'm on the right combination of medication right now, led to an increase in libido and, like, a desire for sex. And then we did the thing that I still, after all these years in a relationship
with you, 13. We've known each other 13 years. I actually finally just said, let's talk about how I like to have sex, Jamie. Now did I start the meeting that way? No. It was an organic conversation because, see, free use never went away in our relationship. We've modified it over the years to, you know, based on my health and my libido and and JB's health and mental health and all of that. But we hadn't had a real conversation about it in a very long time. And so JB, you know, did what we all do
as humans. He had this, like, routine he would follow of, I woke up. I'm ready to fuck. Let me hit the right order of magic buttons Ding ding ding. On Kayla to to kinda prime the well. Let me squeeze out a whole tube of loo, and then we have sex. And I was fine with it because I just wanted him to get the fuck if he wanted to fuck. If I had an orgasm, I don't care. Like, it it was fine. But it, like, it wasn't a thing, I think, either of us were like, oh, I
wonder if this will happen. Because we are absolutely at a point in our life, We can't say, oh, tomorrow morning, we're definitely gonna have sex. We have to wake up and go, did the stars align? Will my body let me move that way? Right? I'm like, is my body functioning the way it's supposed to? Can I do this? So, you know, he start this is why I was kinda surprised when you said for you, you've only felt it in the past little bit. Mhmm. Because it felt like kind of out of nowhere.
I think it's because I said something. I was like, man, if you pull my hair, you can get anything you want. That's true. And it's so funny. You forget what you have to remind a partner of. I thought that was understood by every fucking body who knows us in a kinks since I, like, want I want my hair pulled consensually, please. But, you know, we've been stuck in our heads for so long, and we were out of practice for a minute. I think it was when I finally said, oh god. I
love it when you pull my hair. But he started pulling my hair more. Well, guess what? I'm turned on more. It's one of the magic buttons that works every time. And, well, with you doing that more consistently and when I said consistently, not in a pattern. I don't know when I'm gonna get yanked back by my hair. Your timing is almost always great, though. It's great. Sorry. I'm reliving some moments. Pardon me. So in that, you were pulling my hair.
We have a when we're both really into the fucking that is happening, there are certain things that JB does because my body reacts in certain ways. Face tapping. Oh, yeah. Hard ass smack on my ass. Like, all kinds of stuff. And your girl is crying for you. Lola's in the other room. She thinks she's been abandoned. So, you know, our sex got better.
And then I finally just told him some stuff that I should have said forever ago, but I didn't I didn't care about sex in the way that I would like to care about sex with my partner. But, like, I just it didn't matter. It was like, whatever whatever JB wants, I'll go with it. And it started to matter again. It started to be like, yeah. Yeah. I'm happy to give him whatever he wants the way he wants, but actually, here are some things that I would really enjoy, and I finally just fucking said them.
I know we preach, like, you know, clear communication, transparency, say the hard thing, but it's so easy in a long term relationship to just kinda get into your patterns and go, well, they know that. I don't have to say it. But no. You sometimes still need to say it. If nothing else, to just give the little nudge that yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This is the thing I still want. So we did. We sat down, middle of our break here in the office away from, like, you know, teenage years.
And I was like, hey. I need to tell you, what is working for me. And so we have that conversation. Well, then once the sex got kinkier and I felt submissive in that space, it was easier to feel submissive out of that space. So we've talked about this many times over the years. My submission is fairly autonomous. He gives me the tasks. I just go fucking do them. So he doesn't have to do a whole bunch of oversight that can
be overwhelming for him. Well, when you put your power exchange on autopilot like we had for the past few years, that means that when you're doing things autonomously on autopilot, there's no oversight ever. So there was almost no real interaction consistently that made me feel submissive. I had to kinda get myself into that headspace going, I'm making his coffee because I am submissive. I am bit like, my my one time a day where it's guaranteed was bent over the bed ready to go
to sleep. How what is he gonna do to my butt next? Right? Like but that wasn't enough. Right? It was enough to get us through. It was not enough for where we're kind of at now, where we're getting to. Like your food. Hi, love, love. So having that conversation, and I think we even talked about this last week. You know? He started making changes to our to how we were having sex. He had I had to nudge him when he forgot because old habits, all that good stuff.
But feeling submissive in the bedroom, which because sex and kink sometimes often go together for us. We can do kink without sex. We cannot do sex without kink. What I noticed how that transferred and it I think it started maybe a little bit before the sex life got better. Maybe it was at the same time. I have a bad memory for time things. That's when I noticed I started doing that thing that we talked about where we're out in public, and I'll just follow you like a duckling. I don't. I can
just turn my brain on. And I was the thing was I could always have done that, but I had forgotten. My brain had to be on all the time to deal with whatever was gonna happen next, to worry about the next thing that needed to be worried about. There was no shutting off the brain. Who had that luxury? Couldn't even shut it off when I was sleeping. The amount of stress dreams that I had for a while. Oh my god. So realizing that I could just turn my brain off and let you, like, do your
thing. That's a hard habit for me. That's hard for me. I have thoughts. I have opinions, and I have questions. But doing it felt so good that I was like, oh, I wanna I wanna do this more often. Right? Now let's be clear. I was doing that under my own power, my own control. JB probably wasn't even clocking it at first. I think you might notice it now because we've talked about it. You didn't know what the hell was happening. So was it really submission? Something. I just
wasn't sure what. So was it submission? Maybe not. But I was, you know, maybe not in the technical definition. He was not controlling any of it. I was doing it, but I was doing it based on what I knew us to be and how things had been and who I wanted to be. Right? So I could kind of it's a little bit like experimenting with my own headspace before bringing him into the conversation because here is the thing.
If that was a short lived thing or if that was a thing that no longer felt right, first of all, that'd be a different conversation. But if I came to you prior and went, hey, this is what I think I want and then I was wrong, well, that's a disappointment. And, like, I needed to, like, test the waters for myself. It's a little bit like I started whining as a baby girl to test those waters.
Because because here's the thing, you can take the girl out of the trust issues, but you cannot take the trust issues out of the girl. Okay? So I, you know, I had to I had to see for myself. Well, once I realized, no. This still feels really good, and I really enjoy this. And I could tell you were open to the conversation Yes. Because that's important too. If his headspace was nowhere near, you know, domly dom stuff, then this would've nothing would've come of it.
We still haven't had a fuller conversation about if we want to change anything we're doing in our when we're out in public. But what I noticed just recently was it last weekend when we went out or is the weekend before? I don't remember. You started doing a thing of, oh my god. I fucking love you'd be walking ahead of me because I'm your duckling who is following you. No thoughts, just vibes. And you put your hand back with the expectation that I'm gonna hold your hand. I was like,
oh, I love it. I love it. I love it. I feel safe. He is physically guiding and leading, and I can just I can just exist. I could just exist. I could just exist. And it it's such a good feeling. It's one of those things where it feels good, so you wanna keep doing it. And as long as it continues to feel good, you know, it becomes this feedback loop of I'm a keep doing it because it keeps feeling good. It keeps feeling good, so I'm
a keep doing it. Right? And I think if we had hit a, like, a barrier or a a moment of tension, it would have fizzled, or it would have been harder to get back in. But I'm getting to kind of ride the high of all everything feeling good. Mhmm. And so then I wanna keep doing it, and I wanna take it to another level. And our levels are, like, baby step levels right now. We're not we're not going from,
oh my god. Who the hell are we in this power exchange to, oh, this kinda feels good to, like, some crazy high protocol, really strict, all the obedience, like, you know, hot and heavy scene. Like, it's it's these little steps forward. And I think we're both testing the waters when we do that. I I I think we're we're both kind of still in that that place where we're we're dipping our toes in. It it's still newish to us. Me, a little bit more than you.
You know, so yeah. We're I think we're even though we know who we are Mhmm. I I think there's, you know, a little bit of trepidation Mhmm. Going into it, but, you know, I I it it's not stopped anything. No. I I I it's because we're a little uncertain, not because we don't trust ourselves, but because we don't trust good fortune. Well yes.
Yes. When it feels like every time you're like, oh, this is the moment, it gets a little bit better and you get smacked in the face by stepping on the rake again, you don't trust it anymore. Right? You get whacked upside the head enough times. It's, you know, yeah, kind of a deterrent. And right. And you know, here's the other thing though. We've had enough of a break from, like, stressful like bad stress chaos Yeah. That I feel like we have the many things we learned over the past few years
from the situations we found ourselves in. But one of those things is to be cautiously optimistic. Yes. We are not blindly optimistic. We're running in with no thought and no whatever, but we're not pessimists anymore. That was our lowest point. Your lowest point was when you were a pessimist, and I was like I was I was cool on your Right. Yes. Yes. He was. And so we've kind of come out of another side of it. Now the the thing I said this last week,
there's no straight line up, down, whatever. It's a squiggly line all the way through. So we're gonna have stuff that, you know, we're not elated about. We're not excited about. We're not like, yes, let's go jump back in again. That's stuff's gonna come up. We've just been very fortunate Yeah. That as we're kind of feeling out what we can do, wanna do, you know, how does it does old stuff still feel as good as it used to? You know? It's all been okay.
Now something you said earlier when you were, like, you're not even doing a comparison from Mhmm. Then to now, I'm not doing a comparison. I don't I don't wanna compare either. But there is before, you know, before a thing happens, there is that little niggling, like, not fear, but close enough of will it be as good as I remember? Right? Not will it be the same. I Yeah. I don't I don't I'm not worried about it being the same. Will it still be as good? Good. Here's what I'm noticing
from my point in this. I mean, I Okay. You're a week and a half out. I am only about 2 months out, y'all. Mhmm. It's better because of the shit we went through. It's better because I know how bad it was. Mhmm. It's better because I fucking appreciate it more. Because I now have the experience of just, you know, white knuckling it through life, put everything on autopilot, and just hope that you get to the other end and still like each other. You know? Right? Yeah. Like Yeah.
It it Yeah. I'm probably I it could almost it's not sub frenzy. Sub frenzy is a a thing. Dom frenzy is an equivalent Mhmm. Is a thing. It's not that, but there is this extra layer of, oh my god. This is amazing. That is probably not fully settled in reality. It is the high of the good feelings and the, you know, kinda having that moment of, oh my god. I think we might be back. You know? That that kind of Yeah.
That kind of vibe. And that just adds, like, a a an a layer to it that is I mean, I can almost get drunk on that feeling. Just talking about it, I'm like, oh my god. I am so happy. Not because life is, like, fixed and we don't have any problems. Like, no. No. No. No. But I think it's because I am feeling that connection to you in ways we just couldn't do for so long. Right. You know? And it it's it's wonderful. Highly recommend. Highly recommend. So,
a question that came up. I was thinking about whichever weekend it was, It was before you kind of started having your own realizations when you started sticking your hand out with the expectation that I would hold on. What goes through your mind in moments like that? What are you are you is it a vibe? Are you thinking something specific? Is it just a I don't know. It's, I I think it's more of a a possessive thing. Okay. Okay? You're feeling possessive? Yeah. I fucking love that.
I wouldn't want that from no damn body else, but I like being yours in whatever way we're defining. Like, I Right. I know. Part of it because I like that feeling, and there's a a dominance and a power to it. But also there's a for me, there's a feeling of being protected in a way. Like, not from, like, the bad guy or the monster, but just like like, you're holding me close. You're gonna keep me safe. From what? We don't know. We don't know. It doesn't matter.
And I think here's my question to you then. Okay. As everything went to shit and your connection to your dominance diminished more and more. That that possessive feeling, that protective feeling. Mhmm. Was it even there for you? No. Mhmm. No. Mhmm. And what's so funny is I didn't notice it was gone. I didn't I didn't clock it at all. But had it appeared at any point in the past years, I would have just drunk it up like, you know, puddle of water in the desert.
Like, I just Like somebody out there gonna say somebody being in the desert. Mhmm. Yeah. Mhmm. Yeah. And it's so funny. The things you don't notice were missing or were different until you get to have the perspective of looking back and feeling how it, air quote, is supposed to feel. Because now I'm like, yeah, you were not you would hold my hand. If I wanted to hold your hand, you'd hold my hand.
Yeah. We love one another. Right. It was never a matter of not wanting to be together and not wanting to be in the power exchange. But, man, it was so hard to express it in these small, small ways that right now feel big. They're so noticeable because they weren't there. Right? And then it feels amazing because it's like, oh, I now I can now compare this moment to 3 or 4 months ago. Truly. Truly. Truly. And it I don't know. It's like it's like a
high. Like, I've I've like, I'm I'm riding a fucking high right now. Mhmm. Yeah. I think we both are. So we can't I don't not a fan of predictions because I had 4 years of my predictions being really fucking wrong to our detriment. Not a fan of predictions, but do you have any thoughts or hopes or whatever of for you personally, for us together, what kind of what you hope to experience next, what you hope is on the horizon, even small, like, granular things? I don't know, like, this stuff.
I'm looking at anything particular. Okay. Right now, I'm I'm looking at it as more of a, a generalization. Does that make sense? And and I I just want what has started to build and continue. Mhmm. Do you have any sense of where you would like it to build to? Like, is there and I again, not a prediction, not a this is what, you know, we're trying
to accomplish, nothing like that. But do you have, like, in your mind's eye sort of this the this thing you missed, this thing that, you know, if we get to that point, you would enjoy that? Like, anything like that? I I think as far as anything I missed that that I definitely wanna get back to, obviously, is is, you know, turning your cheeks red. And not just the ones on my face that are perpetually wrong. Thank you, suspected rosacea and sun damage.
That's what happens when you don't start wearing sunscreen until you're like 40. Okay? Anyway So Mhmm. You know, and and and as for the other, you know, I'm I I don't really have any expectations as of yet, because, 1, I know it's not gonna be what it was, obviously. Nothing ever is. But, No. I don't have a plan where I want it to go, but I want to see where this goes organically. Yes. I agree with that. I agree with that. And I I definitely agree that it's
not gonna be what it was. I do have the hope and I have the belief I have the belief that it's whatever it is, whatever we look like together in our interactions will be better. Not because we're doing kink better. Not because we are somehow better dom or sub, but because we walked through fire to fucking get here. Like, that's why, you know, saying at the top of the thing I say this a lot when people are talking about conflict.
Unless the issue really is you against them because of some interpersonal thing. In in our situation, it has been us against the world, like, whatever the universe decided to hand us. Mhmm. And, you know, there are were many, many, many, many, many, many, many times where we had to remind ourselves of that. Right? It's so easy in stressful times to turn that stress and anger and fear against one another. And then you're in a dumbass fight, and you're like, I love this
mother fucker. Why are we fighting? Alternately, you're like, oh my god. My feelings are so hurt because he was so mean. I love him, but does he still love me? Because I still have some issues. Okay. So, you know, we couldn't have seen it then. I cannot god knows. I can't predict the fucking future. Not gonna try. But it's, you know, it's kind of the thing I say to you a lot. You have survived everything that has happened to you
thus far. Mhmm. So this time, it was a thing we've we are making it through. We're not through it. We're just at a point where it doesn't suck every moment of every day. We've gotten to see some mild improvements that are huge, that are life changing, but, like, there's still some shit. Oh, god. The bonus section is like, oh my god. I can't No, dear. I kinda can't wait. But, yeah, there's that feeling of we made it through that shit. We are making it through that shit. We whatever comes at us,
like Mhmm. And not in a, oh, it'll be so easy. Oh, no. I'm actually terrified of whatever the universe is gonna throw at us next because I know for a fact it's not gonna be easy. But which also makes me enjoy this moment right now where things are both calmer, weights of bone section, and in some ways improving enough to just notice these small things, to enjoy
these small things. Yes. Yes. And I'm glad you said that because that that is exactly something because after everything that has gone on over the past few years, it has made given me a much deeper appreciation of what we are doing. Mhmm. What we're doing in our relationship, in life? In in our DS. Okay. Okay. Okay. I was like, well, make sure I'm with you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I just it has been so nice feeling my baby girl side.
I'm sure you like it more when it's the happy, cheerful baby girl, instead of the the whining, baby girl. I'm in pain. I can't. I'm a diet coke. I don't wanna do that, Dottie. Okay. And my voice really it changes. Yes. It does. It does. I actually still have, like, weird feelings about letting the outside world see that. Like, sometimes it comes out and I can't stop it and yeah. Sure. And the happy go lucky side of it. Yeah.
That's easy. But man, that part of me that is just, daddy, no. Like, I I'm in cringing trying to even Mhmm. Mimic myself right now. Now here's what I'm curious about because I started coming back to myself before you did. Mhmm. I started with whining. You're so lucky. How did that feel? Did you even clock that at first? Like, what did that make you feel like as both just my partner, but also my daddy dog? I I did not clock it at first. Mhmm. I I did not. Really? Because you were giving me
serious side eye. Like, what the hell? You know, I I think that was autopilot at that time. Autopilot side eye. Oh my god. It was very much a, are you okay? No. I don't wanna go to sleep. Here's when I think I realized on some level that you were remembering and it was familiar again when you started laughing. Yeah. Because look, if I'm whining, it is not life threatening. It is not serious. It is a small thing that I just want the freedom to express.
I will do it because you tell me I have to because that's how we roll, but I don't wanna do it. And I don't whine over the serious shit, y'all. Maybe I do a little bit, but, like, I put my big girl panties on and we move on. But you started laughing. Mhmm. And first of all, as the woman who loves you, as the submissive who wanna makes you happy, my heart swells like the fucking Grinch. As a whiny baby girl who has never dealt well with teasing, I'm an only child. I don't know about that
life. It is so frustrating and maddening. And so then I get frustrated in, like, a light, frustrating and maddening. And so then I get frustrated in, like, a light nonserious way. And so then he laughs harder, and eventually, it's like his dom brain catches up. And then it's like that darker, like, chuckle thing that any if you've been around here a minute, you know what he sounds like when he does it. That. That. And I'm like, oh, okay. The the Dom is coming
online now. Okay. Okay. We have a full system reboot. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's that seems about right. Yeah. I do think I don't again, I'm not making concrete plans for shit. I don't trust concrete plans on anything anymore. No. But I do have sort of the intention that over the course of the year, like, 6 months, 9 months, the end of this year, I don't fucking know. We will talk about this again because right now, it's just the
beginning. It's that exciting, everything feels good beginning. And rubber hadn't met the road yet. You know? Something hadn't gone off the rails that we're not expecting. I mean god. Wait till you hit the bonus section. I might be building that up too much. But anyway. And so we haven't had to navigate a new stressor with finding ourselves again. And so I don't I don't know what what will come of that. I don't know if when we this is all a journey. There's no, like,
destination. But I do think there is sort of a feeling like you're your full self again. Mhmm. Whatever that becomes, whatever that looks like. Yeah. And however long it takes us to kinda have that kind of feeling, I do think that if we are fully within our kink selves and it's all meshed together with with everything and that part is stronger, whatever the stressor is, I will be curious to see, but I hope that
we actually handle it better. Yeah. Because our power exchange is functioning at a higher level, and we are comfortable with who we are as individuals. And sometimes that kind of acts as a little bit of a shield at, like, the random shit that happens. Not the getting hit by a literal car, child getting into a car accident, parent passing away. Like, not that. Not that. Okay? Not that. But, like, the small things. Like, we're now a one car family. That's the whole thing. So,
so yeah. Like, I think I feel like as as this continues, assuming it will, we'll actually handle parts of life a little bit better. Hopefully. Yep. So yeah. Yeah. I don't I right. I for once, I feel like I'm empty of all thoughts, the things I might have wanted to say about this. Wow. I know. Wow. That does not mean that the moment we turn off the camera and the mic, someone go, fuck. I meant to say that. It happens every time. Any more thoughts from you? Anything that's come
up for you? Anything? Okay. K. Okay. I guess I could do a bonus section. Are we good? I don't know. I don't know. Keep it kinky y'all. And we'll see you next week. Yes, baby girl. Can we inundate our crickets with all some of the weirdness that's happened in the past week? I wouldn't overwhelm them with shit. But, you know You know what? It's we have such a good sense of humor. It feels like a lot. It feels chaotic. Let's just put it that way. It it's all we're fine. So let's
start with the top one. We should be giving you a Loa update on her eye surgery. Less than an hour after we finished all of this last week, the the vet called and went, I know you're scheduled to bring Lola in for surgery tomorrow, but and then it got confusing. So what they told me on the phone was that the surgeon who was scheduled to do it was not gonna be able to do any surgeries for an unknown amount of time. But the newest vet at the the vet's office could do the surgery, but he wanted to
see Lola first. Mhmm. He wanted to assess her eyes for himself first. I respect that. Yeah. And they also said that if we wanted to get the surgery done quicker, we needed to go with this doctor because he would have openings before the mystery other surgeon. I don't even know who it was. The mystery traveling surgeon. Yeah. So we had stuff going on that day that we the the next day, Thursday, they're like, can we get you in tomorrow, Thursday, to have her checked out? And I was
like, yeah. Sure. But we knew we had stuff that we had to do, but we hadn't written it down, and we didn't know what the stuff was, just the time. I was like, oh, we're gonna need a late afternoon appointment because we have an afternoon thing. But I don't know what it is, but I'm Yeah. Okay. Okay. It was it was a drop the car off thing. We could have been at the vet at 2:30, but we made the appointment for 4:30, which meant we were not out of the vet's office until 6:15.
Mhmm. The vet took her through the staining of her eyes again to check for ulcers in the eyeball. We went through the yeah. Her eye turned the wrong way at one point. And he's looking at her eyes, and he goes, oh, yeah. She has in or whatever it's called, but it's not that bad. It's like it does not rise to the level of must have surgery now. And I was like, oh. He was like, let me check her eyes. And he was like, oh, this is kind of a mystery though of what's
aggravating this eye. And he's explaining what he would think would be surgery worthy for that eye condition, what the previous vet had said she needed surgery for. And he was like, if you want the surgery, I'll do it. But I'm not recommending it as a thing that has to be done. So, very scared Lola Lainner. They literally put us in an extra room that they don't usually use for exam rooms because they were so backed up. Apparently, the vet had a pet emergency, and they they had to help
that animal. And we were like, it's fine. Please help the animal. But this way, exam room had a couch in it. So Lola was kind of in heaven Mhmm. Except she literally had to be dragged down the hallway. She hunched down on all 4. It was I looked at the other people in the waiting room as we were dragging her down the hallway. I'm like, no. No. She's loved. I promise. We're not trying to be mean to her. She actually spent the whole appointment hiding behind me with me
giving JB side eye. I think she blames him for all any and all vet stuff. Mhmm. Because I took her to the car. I took her out of the car. I brought her in to the car. Had to drag her down the hallway. I yeah. I'm I'm the one that did all the mean things. Oh my Oh my god. So we left that appointment with a, here's a new eye drop you've never used on your dog before. Yeah. Use it for a week. See if it actually clears up the hazing in her eye that we have been told would be there forever.
They're like, no. Maybe not. And I'm like, oh, oh, okay. And the number of a veterinary ophthalmologist. I have no idea. Who would have thought? And they are in town. Like, we're not traveling. Yeah. We could just make the appointment. So we're waiting to see what happens with her eye. And whether if it especially if it doesn't improve at all, because it's a mystery. What is happening to her eye Right. If it's not the eyelash thing that the Mhmm. First vet told us about?
So we're in a holding pattern. Mhmm. Yep. Okay. So that's one thing. The other bigger thing, there's been a lot of, like, small chaotic things. Like, I have had to make way too many phone calls in the past, like, 3 or 4 days and set way too many appointments that I well, her unplanned, and I'm having to, like like, configure them into our life.
The big one. So that afternoon appointment that we could not remember on that Thursday was to drop JB's vehicle, our Toyota RAV 2009, off at the, repair shop that we trust because it's been making a funky noise and it wasn't shifting properly. And we're like, uh-oh, transmission problem. Do you wanna do you wanna tell them how that ended up? Yeah. Oh, god. So, yeah, dropped the car off and, you know, let them do their thing. And, they did not get to it that day we dropped it off. Right.
It wasn't until the next day. And we're out working in the garage, Templin and Wood, and and my phone starts going off. And, they had sent me a text message. Check your email. No. Or here's a link. Here here's a link. Here's a link. Yeah. Yeah. And and, you know, it'll show you what what what's what. The estimates for what they think you should be there. For what's going on with the car, what they found. So I clicked the link and I looked, the first one is like, oh my gosh. It was like $1100
Yeah. Fair. Salt estimates. Right? Yeah. And I was like, well, okay. But then I realized. Keep scrolling. Keep scrolling and keep scrolling and scrolling a little more. And none of what they were showing us as here's estimates for what needs to probably be done had anything to do with our transmission. They actually said, you'll probably need to go to a transmission place and have them look at that. We don't do transmissions here. Yeah. Not with what we needed, potentially.
So what it came what it ended up coming down to, and and I knew this day was coming. The repairs for the rev are way more than it is worth. Right. I mean, even if we put that money in, we would maybe be able to sell it for that much, like, on the private, like, market or whatever. And we were like, I don't I don't wanna put that much money in. No. No. Rather put that money somewhere else. Right. Which, looks like we need to because Yeah. We
have another car saga. So currently, the RAV is a giant paperweight in our driveway. It's we could turn it on and drive it if we had to in an apocalyptic, you know, emergency, but nobody's go putting that on the highway. No. Not with what now not with all that we know that's wrong with it, not including the transmission. Right. So, like, how did the wheels not just fall off when we were doing 70 down the highway?
Yeah. So glad it didn't. Mhmm. So, weirdly, this is how I know, like, something something is different in our life and in our relationship and in our vibe because we got that. And I've got my phone calculator up. I'm like, throw the numbers at me. Let me do the math. Right? And we just look at one another and went, well, I guess that vehicle's done. How how do we wanna get rid of it? Scrap
yard? But, like, I don't wanna sell it privately because I we would be honest to go, you need to get a lot of work done on this. But I wouldn't sell it any other way if I did. Right. Right. I couldn't. You know, in your conscience. But so now we haven't figured out what we're doing about that. But we just we just rolled with it. Yeah. We did. That was the strangest part quite frankly. Nobody freaked out. Nobody paid checks. And and we we came up with several options.
Mhmm. And we have to hold on those options for the moment because we have had to request some paperwork from the state. Yeah. Your his title's electronic, and we just paid 4 and a half dollars to Florida to get the paper. Yeah. Gotta love it. Convenience fees. Mhmm. Mhmm. So that's on hold. It's giant paperweight. Yeah. So we're like, okay. My Corolla 2012. Y'all, our cars are fucking paid for, and we're gonna go as long as we can without a car note.
So we have old cars. So I got a 2012 Corolla brand new the last year that the, like, touchscreen, blah de blah stuff was not automatically standard. Standard option. Yeah. So I got the bare metal one. Look. I got power windows and locks. I don't have to do the roll thing. So Yeah. Anyway, so I'm like, okay. The Corolla has been in better shape. It's not our ideal vehicle. It's gonna be real hard to haul wood from the sawmill in the Corolla. If you don't know what a Corolla looks
like, Google it. It's a little car. We now have small car privilege at the parking lot, and we're zippy. I can get in and out of traffic. We're not all gonna wait. We're driving around. However, not great for hauling wood. 8 foot planks of wood. 10 foot planks of wood. Anyway, we'll figure it out. So I'm like, okay. We really need to get my car in to see what's going on with it because
if this is our main car Yeah. Because one of them has to get fixed because this is now the car we have to use for everything until we do something fabulous. So I get my car in, and it's nowhere near as bad as the RAV. It does need work. Some of it is more do it now before it gets back. It becomes a bigger problem now. Is more expensive. Yep. That is a much more manageable dollar amount. And had the RAF needed that kind of work, it It would it would have been it'd be in shop now. It would be
done. It would it would be done back home. Yeah. But yeah. You know? So it you know, we're we're yeah. We're we're just doing it. Yep. And, you know? Yeah. We're just So, yeah, that's the car saga. Yeah. And then, again, like I said, it's been small things that just make things feel chaotic. Like, we had, the appliance repair company out today to look at our stovetop. Way too long ago, at a time we could not have afforded to call anybody, the front burner of our electric stove stopped working.
One of the big burners. Like your like, one of like my personal favorite fucking burner. This is the burner I liked to use, and I've had to adjust and adapt how I cook on the stovetop. Also, you don't think that you really need 4 burners until you got a lot of pots on the fucking stove. We now cook things in stages to, like Yeah. Because the way our stove is up. Anyway, so we knew it was gonna be a few $100. We we were prepared for that. So we called them in this time, and
he's like, oh, yeah. It's the quote is 3.99. He was like, but if you wanted to buy a new stove, it's like 6 or $700. I'm like, yeah. Yeah. We're gonna pay to fucking fix it. That's cheaper. That's cheaper. Please just fix my stove. But I was like, there's a stranger in my house at 9 o'clock in the morning. I don't think I can handle this. My whole day has been upended. This is not the routine. I was I'm the one that made the fucking appointment. You wanna know why
we use this company? 1, they fixed our dish washer, and they did a good job. And 2, they do part of the process of scheduling you by text. Like, I fucking love you people. And now we're, like, a customer in their system, so our card's on file. They're they just call to confirm shit now. They're like, oh, can we use the card on file? Oh, we'll email it to the the email yes. To all of that. Don't even talk to me. Just do the thing all electronically. We're good. We're good.
Oh, no. The new chaotic thing is we're finally dealing with the well, we're going to be dealing with the floors, and we think we have it figured out from our mortgage company who oh, after I was bitching about that last week because it was all complicated, plot twist. They called or yeah. They called you, didn't they? Or did you call you called them? I don't know. Somebody called. Yeah. He was on the phone. It wasn't me. Thank God.
But they're like, oh, no. We have been talking to the insurance company in between us. They sent this and we saw that and here's what you do now. Yeah. So this afternoon, after we finish the stream, we have an appointment at the bank to get this important form notarized. We then have to also send that with the the one step from last week, mail the check. The physical check. Yeah. We have to do that. But I was like, we're sending that priority, because I need a tracking number on this
fucker, because that's a big ass check. Like, it's more money than I usually have. Have. So it looks like the bank is going to endorse the not the bank. Morris County is gonna endorse the check on their part, and then they're just gonna send us the money back. None of this 20 5% and that, and inspector in the middle of the job. They just we have to agree to let somebody come inspect the work after Yeah. It's done. I don't give a fuck. Give me the cash. Let me get a floor that is not
rotting away Yeah. Under our feet. So now the next thing will be in the next couple of weeks. Sometime this will be JB. I did the research part, and I sent him the info. And I saw I haven't even looked at the email yet. It's fine. Is, oh, let's start getting estimates on the floors in the kitchen. Yeah. Yeah. So So there's just a lot of noise. That's that's coming up. That that's moving forward. Yeah. That's moving forward. Just, you know, all the usual fun. But it's it's all good.
We're we're we're Yeah. That's, that has been the thing that has been so nice, but so weird to me. Mhmm. We're just taking it in stride. Like, we're not at the end of the day going, what the fuck is we're just like, okay. Yeah. Okay. What do we need to do next? Let me make a note of that. We put it on the calendar. Mhmm. I mean, we were at the bank yesterday and I took the lead on that. Poor JB was like, I know how this normally works, but I don't see the person. I'm
like, you come back here. You stand with me. We wait in line. We get up to the counter. I recognize the check. So I was like, oh, I can talk to you. You're not a stranger. And I'm like, here's what we need, and here's what we got. I don't know. I don't know. It feels if it I don't want the chaos. I'm ready for it to just be fucking calm around here. But it's like we got those 2 weeks off, and it was restful Yeah. And it was preparing us for January apparently.
But it's yeah. It's just all kind of rolling off our back. Truly, the one that shocked me was the Rav going, okay. Rav is dead now. What do you mean it's not the end of the year? It's still January? What? I know. I know. Yeah. The past 2 weeks have been the longest year ever. And look, I say all that without even having looked at the news properly. Yeah.
Well, you know, it's funny when, you know, talking about the Rav, the, at at the end of the day that day, she Kayla looked at me and she's like, you didn't lose your shit. I'm so impressed. Because, look, he he tolerates the Corolla, but he don't like the Corolla. Y'all, it's real close to the ground. He's got back problems. He actually lets me drive the Corolla more than anything because it's so uncomfortable for him to have to get in. I'm like, I just don't know how long
this is gonna last. We're gonna have to figure out a solution. But yeah. Then texting the 19 year old to go, hey. Yeah. You know how you've been begging for the Corolla? And we have said, if we could ever figure it out, we would Mhmm. Put him on the title for the Corolla. That I said, that's not happening. I said and I don't call him JB to the boys. But, basically, I was like, JB said, we're not driving on the highway in the Kroll until we get the stuff fixed. And there's
some stuff we gotta get fixed. We know we do. And that's and that's fine. I'm happy to get it fixed. I want I want us to maintain a car and, you know, whatever. But, yeah, it was just it's just is Lola getting eye surgery? We don't know. Mhmm. No. We don't. Will we get anything of value monetarily out of the RAF? We don't know. Yeah. I mean, as far as Lola goes, been you've been doing the drops twice a day. She she has gotten to the point she has had eye drops now so much she
tolerates it. She still don't like it. She doesn't like it, but she tolerates it at this point. Still don't like it. Yeah. To me, it does not look like the hazing is is It cleared up just this teensy tinesy and that's been And that and that's been it and and it stopped clearing. But what I have noticed, for a while there, she was consistently, like, rubbing her eye, and she's not been doing that anymore. Hopefully, it's more comfortable than it was.
Yeah. But, you know yeah. We're we're gonna have to see about the ophthalmologist, I think, for her to see what's going on. Yeah. But you did find something that that, pity breeds are They're more susceptible to ulcers and a core corneal something something, and it's ulcers that get
in there. Yeah. They're kind of unexpected found it on the I went to the found the website for this, ophthalmologist, that we'll probably be taking her to, and they had a whole section on their site about, you know, common eye problems like 4 dogs. And Mhmm. I went down to the one that sounded the most like what she's going through, and then there it says, very common among pit bull types. I'm like, oh, okay. Yeah. Okay. She's normal then. It's fine. Oh, fine. It's right up there with her
allergies. But, you know, and, you know, let let's let's get beyond all this fun news. You know, on the other side of things, you know, one of one of the things that we we are doing and and it's been, you know, kinda like, you know, talked about that we we cut back an hour, you know, on the on the hangout. But, we have been going out. You know, we've started we've we've been thrifting. Mhmm. You know, antiquing, going to some, you know, thrift stores and antique shops around here.
Last weekend, we went they have a a monthly market or weekly Weekly market. And it's grown since we've moved to town through the past weekend. Considerably. Yeah. They have a a weekly market. We we went to the market. Mhmm. I only kind of panicked in the spot where the most people congregate. And, basically, JB took my hand, tucked it into his arm, pulled me close. I'm like, come on. And I was like, okay. I can shut my brain on.
He won't make me talk to anybody. And then you know what happened when he got me out to the side where it's that's the expansion of this market and there's fewer people out there, I held conversations with strangers and gave them my money. So That's fine. And, there was there was one place there. They had, like, 2 they had 2 spots, and they had all kinds of wood stuff in there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And, And you made a friend. Mhmm. And, I I poked my head in there and started talking.
And, last night, I end found out that there is a, woodworking club here in town and, attended a meeting last night. And I'll probably become a member. Yeah. So, yay. Mhmm. Mhmm. And here was the cool thing because both on the the munch side, we've you've experienced this. We've experienced it. And then I think even on your woodworking side, there you know, sometimes you'll go into a group and it's like nobody cares that you're brand new and they just kinda look at
you like, who are you? He comes home and he tells me. He's like, yeah. I walk in. It's a very small crowd. Well, he goes, remember the dude we saw at the market? I'm like, yeah. Frank, I think, is famous. He's like, he came up and talked to me immediately. Saw me walk in. Come straight over to me. And I'm like, that's how it's supposed to fucking be. I actually was feeling bad because we go up to his JB is like, before we go, I wanna at the market. I wanna go look at the stall. That's all this
wood stuff. And I'm like, okay. Cool. And he's looking. He's keeping it close to the vest of what he first of all, we don't tell him kink shit. Okay? He makes pins, and somehow we have this house. Okay. The neighbors have got to wonder what kind of fucking pins you make. Right? Anyway anyway so so he goes in quietly, like, under the radar, just wants to look. I'm on the outside. I don't wanna be here. There's too many
people. Yep. So he's walking around looking and gets into a conversation, and then you were ready for the dude to be like, I'm not telling you trade secrets. You asked a question about supplier or whatever. And I expected the guy to be kind of offended because, yeah, we were, like, staking out his stuff. You know? Mhmm. It was beautiful. I mean, it was good amazing work. Offered the information freely and invited him to the damn meeting. Yep. I was like, that
that's how community should be, man. That's like that's it. Yeah. And I and he had these beautiful glass blown pin stands. He buys them from a maker out of some mother state, not Florida. Mhmm. And the ones that were on, they're beautiful, but I'm like, none of these are purple. So I'm like, do you have purple? What? Because it was $20. I'd have bought it right then. Like, do I need a pen stand? No. But it was fucking gorgeous. I don't like
It was it was beautiful. We put my, like, g 2 pile in it. Hey, now. Come on. I do have a beautiful pen. I have made you several pens Yeah. And pencils. Yeah. And I appreciate it. I appreciate it. So I was like, I'm willing to spend money with you and not just because you were nice to my makes air quote makes pens and bowls husband. He does. He does. I do. But that don't pay the mortgage. I don't pay the mortgage. Well, so Yeah. We've been adventuring. Mhmm. Yeah. It's been kinda cool. It's been
fun. Mhmm. It's been fun. I think we've needed that. We made some changes to our Patreon. To go back to the commercial from the beginning. We made some changes to our Patreon this year that had me feeling, like, kinda guilty because I was like, we we were doing stuff on, like, all these weekends. And JB's like, we have got to have time for ourselves. How can we do that? I'm like, here's how we can do that.
Now look, I did use data from survey and just my own eyeballs on analytics of what not to do in Patreon anymore because what nobody fucking watching anyway or listening or doing or whatever. So, I mean, it wasn't just but I did. I was like, but we used to do so much more. And now we've got weekends to ourselves. I'm like, oh, this is probably what we should have been doing. We might have been more relaxed and more present if we had taken more time for ourselves.
Funny how that works. It is funny how that works. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But anywho Anyway. I think it's, Past time. Yeah. Yum time. Yep. Let these good folks go. We have things to yeah. We're just gonna A little over an hour. Getting close to our appointment that we have to go to. So, yeah, I think we're we're good, and we'll be back Friday night. That's true. This Friday, 9:30 PM EST. Yep. Yep. Yep. We will. And, hopefully, we have some updates on our chaos.
You never know. Hopefully, we just don't have new chaos because I just I am still that person who would like sure to calm down. That's what I'm saying. Right? Right. There you go. So I guess we need to go. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Bye. Bye, everybody.