Radical Honesty in Power Exchange

You're listening to Loving Bd and podcast, episode 04:03. Kill Alerts with the 1, the only the day this episode is being released birthday boy. John Browns down. I don't know what you're talking about. It's your birthday today I know what you're July twelfth is your birthday. Happy birthday. I must say it later in this podcast too. Happy a birthday. I'm not singing because nobody wants that. Nobody wants that. But happy birthday. She the shirt I'm wearing. It's see podcast

listeners cannot. He is wearing his grumpy daddy shirt. And his grumpy daddy shirt from what's the Safe words Merch shop is why I have not put a grumpy daddy shirt. Not. Because I'm not doing that. That's not cool. We will just rep the merch. That's that's actually not what we're here for this. Hey. You're the 1 who went down the rabbit hole. I just followed. Because it's your birthday. The day this episode comes out.

This week, we're talking about a self help kind of concept that absolutely applies to kinky people, and that is radical honesty. Welcome to Loving Bd podcast. If this is your first time listening glad to have you. If you're back for another week. Welcome back. Loving Bd has produced every Monday and Friday for your kinky pleasure and education. Chin are found at loving bd m dot net. Come back often and feel free to add the

podcast to your favorite podcast app. You can also follow the show on felt life at loving Bd pc on Instagram and threads at that handle I will forever, motherfucking hate. Loving, d s and the number 1, so that's at loving, DS1. Or on Youtube at Youtube dot com slash loving bd where you can watch us live from the podcast every Wednesday.

All links during in the show notes. Epic big thanks as always to our Kinky patrons over on Patreon, including our newest peeps, we're it's able to keep being weirdo on the Internet. A large part because of our Kinky patrons, and we are grateful. We're relaying 1 of you. We are. If you'd like to join our kinky community and get access to extra content and a discord server with a group of super cool super nice King, you can

do that. Just join us at patreon dot com slash kayla Lords that's patreon dot com slash kayla, or use a link in the show notes. Okay. So before we get into the topic, I do have some announcements. The first 1 is that. There's going to be a free. Free free 99. Online, Bd workshop, July 20 second through 20 fifth, hosted by put on by taught by, Ale of Dom sub living. It's called jump start your Bd journey. It's a bit of the basics, but not the basics in a way, like, we have to sit and go

what what is a dominant. It's the basics in a way of figuring out what you're into, figuring out what you want, figuring out how you can incorporate Bd and power change, if that's your thing into your routine into your lifestyle. That's the whole thing. We are not teaching it. We're just helping to promote it. And it is hurry. So we like Ale and Moms of living. We have taught with them in the past

and some of their event. So we feel comfortable sending you there, be would like to, participate, sign up, regis sure attend the thing. The link is in the places if you want to go look. What I have discovered because I got a couple of emails from folks about it. Sure make sure whatever browser you're using allows for pop ups because you... If you decide to sign up to register to a attend, click the button that says register and a

pop up comes up and you do... Give your email in your, like, your first name. And some people have not been getting that. And I'm like, okay. Do you do you not allow pop ups on that browser. So just be mindful of that. But, yeah, it is July 20 second through the 20 fifth. This is not the only time you'll will hear us, talk about it if you are... On our email list. You have already heard about it. If you follow us on Fe life or Instagram, hopefully, you've already heard about it.

We will keep talking about it for you. So It's called jump start your Bd journey. I'm doing an awful job of explaining what it's about. So I encourage you to click the link in the places, go check it out and if it sounds like it's a thing that you would be interested in, go ahead and sign up. You second announcement. So for anybody watching the live stream, this is in the future. For anybody listening to the audio podcast, this applies the day this episode comes out.

Jb Birthday is Friday, July twelfth. That is this Friday, though, this Friday from the day of recording this. Jb birthday. And, yes, I will be putting that in the newsletter as what. I wanna make sure everybody knows. Okay. It is up to you. If you tell folks how old you are. I would not... You know, whatever. Old enough to know better young enough not to care.

Old dust to have almost no fuck slap, And I I'm look grateful for that because I still got a couple fucks hanging on for to your life and so, somebody. Has to not have any left. Right. So, yeah, Your birthday be this Friday. Yeah. And we're keeping it kinda low key. Mh. I have... I've told him that I will take over his normal weekend chores, and he has request at a special dinner kinda like you did for Father's day.

It involves pasta and cheese. So the fourteenth tasted year old once again gets to be grateful to you for having a special day because he gets Mcdonald's. Right. Well, I'll make sure he gets his free coffee from Starbucks, and whatever other freebie, the different places through your way. Throw my way we're gonna try really hard not to do any... We have to do lawn work. It's the summer in florida we have to. Or we'll have a jungle in our frank yard. But we're gonna not do it over his

birthday. Weekend, so, he can actually take the weekend off. So... But... Yep. So bought john. You can binge watch whatever the hell you want. I plan on working mostly of. I I started watching the planet of the apes reboot. I saw that. I was like, but it was after you were watching like, a king Kong Godzilla situation. Yeah. Was happening there. It was it was King Kong and Godzilla. They they they teamed up with Moth. What Okay. Save the world. Okay. I mean, yeah.

Okay. Yeah. But, no. I I can finish watching that. And house of dragons is back now. Yeah. You haven't watched that yet. I've kinda of been waiting for this. The whole thing to be out. Yeah Yeah I don't blame you. Don't blame it. And yes. I'm also... I was looking at live chat, because mister Sp has... His birthday is, I think the day before years if I'm reading that currently. So happy birthday mister spot. And I think, and eva husband's birthday is, like, in this time Lots of

birthdays in this time frame. I it's either today or within next day lots of birthdays. Have the birthday. Lots cancer birthdays here. Birthday, mister Bean. And and Jb is a quintessential stereotypical cancer. His emotions are just right there on his sleeve. I mean, show him a a hallmark commercial, he will probably cry. And I am the scorpio bitch in the background going. What the fuck you cry? About because I filled

with empathy. I guess... I I... There are songs that I have listened to for the better part of 30, 40 50 years. And it'll still bring It's very sweet. It really is very sweet. I'm just... It... It's been a culture shock anyway, so yes. Live judgement talking about cakes, I will be making a cake. Mh. I have to go to the store and get the cake stuff. We were gonna get it from all together, but they didn't have everything we needed. So I need to go to Walmart and help, on the Walmart. No

I have not. So I guess I know I'm doing tomorrow. Well, you had a reason not going today. Yeah. We'll talk about in the section. Okay, We've already gotten off. Completely from the topic. 10 minutes in. So was actually get to the topic. So we're talking about this concept of radical honesty, which I... What I was trying to... Because I knew what I wanted us to talk about because it's a thing that every time I do it, I just kinda sit and go Am I a good person or am I

a dumbass? And I'll tell you why when we get to it. But the expression that kept coming to me when I was trying to just to think about how I can concise describe this moment. Mh was radical honesty because that's what feels right. And then I was like, but that comes from somewhere. Started looking it up. And it mostly means what I was meaning it to mean, but also people have taken that Phrase and turned it into all kinds of things.

And 1 of the things that it turned into was very applicable to Power exchange and kin. And I want, okay. We're gonna talk about it anyway. So I wanna start with... Let's let me start with how radical honesty is primarily defined find in the ways that I could find it. I literally am using the Wikipedia page for 1 of these. The links to the 2 places I'm find pulling from are in the places if you wanna read them yourself.

The first 1 is, like where the term radical honesty even really comes from, It is comes from a book that was published in the mid ish nineties called radical honesty. And then when I started reading the Wikipedia page, apparently, I got a little cult like the group who were were believing in radical honesty and I'm following the author. And they're apparently some drama there. That is not what we're here for. Okay? But if you would like to know more about it, go click the Wiki,

wikipedia page. Anyway, But the idea of radical honesty is the practice of complete honesty without telling even white live. Which kind of describes how most of the time I really I have been. Most of my life, but not because I'm, like, a good person who he's a radical honesty see. It's because it was traumatized as a child, but that's a whole other thing. The other 1 where I see this definition has kind of gone to and invent repurposed for. Right? Okay.

So there's a literal definition of the words radical honesty, which is you don't even tell a white lie. No life o mission. You just tell the truth no matter how no gray area now. Right. Which isn't to civil barely a good thing but whatever. This, the next resource I found that kind of was a good example of where the term seems have gone for some people is more about a self help within your yourself kind of thing. Mh. And in this case, let said, I can find it. Okay.

Radical self honesty calls the suppressed parts of the self to the surface. It's a practice that asks you to be 100 percent authentic or as truthful as you're capable of at the moment with yourself. Mh. And and that makes sense. Yeah. Right. To to own who you are, Right eat down at least if... With nobody else other than yourself. And I was like, oh, you mean, like, when many us figure out where kinky and then maybe have to go tell a partner. Hey, by the way. I think Kinky.

I would like to explore this life with your life. Way. Okay. The supplies. The supply of So I'm gonna... Let's start the conversation with how I was... Thinking about it at first, and give the example, which is frustrating because I know this is not the first time this has happened in all the years we've been together. It's just the most recent example, so I can't remember any of the other times. Maybe you will.

Just So, last week for anybody who listened or watched last week, I was given on fucking camera with the audio being recorded. A task to full sheets before we went, we were gonna gain some more we don't Doing something, being So guess who forgot. That me for getting led to a a quick, but pretty good conversation of, hey. Here's what I know I need for the future But here's how I found out I forgot and how Jb found out I forgot. I walked into the bedroom.

And saw the sheets so saying there's, like, 2 days later and went. And Jamie was was, like, I want... I don't say Clueless like, in a p minute or like was in his own world. He wasn't looking at what I was looking at. He didn't even hear me. I'm not sure your hearing aids were written. Like so. He didn't have a clue that I'm over here going, oh my god. I can't fucking breathe. I was literally given a task with witnesses, and it's just still sitting here. And that is a moment where I...

It's not a difficult thing within me, but it is a thing that I I'm... I understand what I'm doing to myself. And so I have, like, a 30 second back and forth of, do I say something? Or do I let him find out? And I was like, I need to say something, but then in my brain, my brain goes, you know what you're potentially... Doing to yourself if you admit. And I'm like, yeah, But if I don't, and he figures it out, 1 or 2 things my mind is gonna happen. And maybe there's a mysterious third thing

I didn't think of. But it was either you were gonna give me shit for having forgotten and then whatever was gonna... Was gonna happen. And I don't I don't like that. I don't like that feeling of feeling called out. That's a Or you were gonna be, like, why didn't you tell me you hadn't done this? And then now talking about how I just didn't admit something and I didn't like that feeling and. Now, why is this matter in our power exchange Because in our power exchange, we were

there are... There's positive reinforcement. And there are consequences. There's punishment. And I knew that I just fucking telling you I could have been setting myself up for a consequence that I was not gonna love that I actively seek to avoid. Yeah. But when I thought about how it could go if I didn't say something. I was like, I don't like those either. So the what I did. I'm like, okay. I'm probably a dumbass for even admitting this. But here, you know, go look. I forgot.

Right? And I just admitted it. Now what I've gotten better about just over my lifetime, not even our relationship is I just own it, and I go, oh, I am. I am. And sorry. I fucked up. I I can... And we did get into the reasons why I always can give the context of what the hell happened, how I screwed up. What But I have learned that most people don't wanna hear that first. Those get called excuses, and then I get angry because it's like actually no. It's just

vital. Information, so you could know. I wasn't just dick around. There was actually like reasons. Right? I've learned my lesson so I don't start there. I start with I am so sorry. I know Was supposed to do this, I fucked up once I get, like, the visual confirmation that he's accepted that then I could go, okay, but here's what I think happened. I could call it as a contest. That's not the first time. That No. That I've... That... That's something like that has happened.

And I've been the 1 to admit it. When when we were... Oh, you do remember. Oh, yeah. When when we were seeing each other. I had gifted you a piece of jewelry. And you would You you were at that time still... You were going to a gym. Mh. You're working gym I was working my big girl job and I go to the gym on my lunch break. Mh. And you left, said piece of do. Yeah. I took it off. Yeah. I don't think I ever took it off again after this. And

yeah, you did remember. You went back. You were able to get it and everything, but you still... Told me about it. I know And I was, like, almost in tears. Now here's what's... Here's where I know part of that's the the trauma. That's my childhood. Because even though I had fixed it. I still... And see I had people around me, and I still know people today who would be like, well, There was no harm, no foul. Mh. Like, you lost it briefly. You got it back

almost to immediately. Like, thankfully, I worked in an office when they... Saw my face of. Man I love gave me this piece of joy, like I couldn't tell him it was my collar, y'all. Man, I love gave me this piece, and I took it off and, they were like, go, because the gym was like right on the corner. Go. Right? And so In in my office going, oh my god. God. I feel like I need to tell him. And you know, the the non Kingston, the non

power exchange folk were like, why? You... It's not like you need to admit that a thing is lost. You got it back. Everything's fine. I'm like, no. It's important that I tell him. And it... And I still contend now They've been

reminded at the moment. It was important to tell it was part of the building of the communication between us to be able to talk about things that aren't so great, but also my personal sense of integrity, is to just admit shit and let's talk about it because it was a moment that had me in my feels and the person I wanted to talk to about how I was feeling was the person that other people were like, you don't have to tell them Like, but then how do I complain about I'm. So

Yeah. So I do... And I remember you kinda being, like, what I like about that moment now that you've dropped my memory. Is that you were very sensitive to my like, my an over it. Even though you understood that it's been it's been sorted. It's fixed now. A deep breath. Right? Yeah. But you never made me feel silly for that. You were... You just sort of went,

okay. How are you feeling And what will you do different next time and, like, it I absolutely like just mel it in with our power exchange that we were sort building at that point. Yeah. Where I had a problem and it it made me feel very big feelings, and I went to my daddy Tom and went... I'm having big feelings right now. Right? Because I think we had had the agreement that I would not take it off, but something about being at the gym I've gone like, got... I just got taken off. Because it

was it was a necklace. It was not a collar, like, with a lock. Y'all. He had Mh. Purchased it, send it to me. You know, was a great thing, and I turned it into what essentially became my collar. But, yeah. And I I am... I'm like this out outside of power change to me, this is not just a power exchange thing. Not because I'm some great human being or a fucking saint or whatever.

Sometimes, maybe I am a dumbass. I mean, maybe I I tell the truth when I don't have to, but my experience in life has been from very young age. That I am the person who will get caught. I don't know if it's because I got a face where I can't Out hide shit well. I'm sure I'm not a very good liar. I am sweating bullets when I am even a lie of o mission. I'm... My shorts practically wet. Because I'm like, with sweat. I'm like you know that I'm not telling you everything.

But I've always gotten the fallout from either lying and then getting caught or the live o mission where I just went, and and it being found out was always such an awful feeling Mh. That I came... I hit a point in life at some point or it's like, it's difficult and I do sometimes struggle with those moments are like, do I fucking admit this thing. But at least for me, it's like, I walk away going. I don't have to worry that I'm trying not to say something because I just fucking said it.

Many times as an adult, though, these little moments where it felt like that felt big in my mind. I should say something, come to find out. Nobody fucking gave a shit, and I could just not said anything. But I don't I haven't changed my ways. I just really funnel it into you in our shit. It's like true. My thing now is and I still don't I don't like a lie of o mission either. I don't like anything that makes me feel dishonest, and let me be clear here. I

don't I don't care what you do. Like, if if you're listening to me going god, that's ridiculous stupid. That's fine. Like, I'm not here to tell anybody how they have to move through the world. I just know how I moved through the world, and I don't think I'm better at anything or goodies... Like, I don't I don't think I'm like, a righteous person because of it. I know that the agony of going do I say something Do I not say something. Am I dumbass if I say something? Is it the right... Like,

that kind of inter struggle. Oh, it sucks not telling anybody that I think they should go through But I'm in power exchange from the very beginning when we were long distance. Mh. The few times I had consequences while we were long distances because I told you, that I did a thing or didn't do a thing. Mh. When you might never if fucking known if I hadn't set anything. Unless you directly asked me and put me in that position to have to tell you 1 way or the other,

you would never have known. And I'm over here going, I have something I need to tell you. Now I'm curious before we get into my personal eyes and where forced? Her when over the years? I have told you something that you wouldn't know known otherwise. Right? Or that I came to you feeling like a... I'm doing a confession situation. Like, we're... Like, it's a religious thing or something like, oh, I have to tell you

this thing. And And really, in your maybe in your mind, it wasn't that big of a deal or I could... Like, it was fine if I hadn't told... You. I told you really to my own detriment air code detriment. How do you feel about that? What is... Is that... Like, what's that like from your first active. You know, there there are are some things that are active I... I mean, kinda like with the with with the necklace with the jewelry. You know, I was kinda like, why? You thankfully that was not...

Reaction? No. It wasn't me it wasn't it wasn't. It wasn't. And yet, at the same time, early on at that time with us. I was like, okay. She's being forthright with me. Go. Yeah. I'll definitely tell you the truth. Yeah. So... Even shit, you don't need to know about. Mh. You will know So, you know, that that was something for me that was a actually a good thing. Mh. A good thing.

And to to a certain extent, I still think it's a good thing, more than not, actually, because you know, especially lately, probably shouldn't say this because this be But, you know, I me. You'll be fine. I know where you're going. You'll be fine. III miss things. Mh. Right now, you know, juggling so many plate. Or you could spend those twins Whatever you'd like to... Ugly white. Nice say you throw them on the ground. Yeah Anyway, go ahead.

Anyway, you know, yeah. So Sometimes there there are things that I miss. So, you know, it... It's good that you're bet honest in that much. And I'm curious when I. Confessed that there were the cr up sheets, they did immediately he, like, by the time he got out of the bathroom they. They were filled... They were done. I didn't even hesitate. Yeah. But do you think that you would have clocked it, recognized it realized it at any point? Probably not at that moment.

I know. And that was the war within myself. I'm like, I know I've noticed it, but he hasn't said anything. Do I... From me. And again, I... And see that that was another 1 of those things. We had so much going on that weekend. And the lesson learned, I was like, look, I'll do whatever you want, but I know me. I think the lesson here is don't throw out a task me, make sure you have I you I have... You have my full attention. I'm looking you in the eyes. It's that kind of... And it was 1

of those... You'd thrown it out. I go, okay. And... But it was in the... The rest all of this I had... III had your attention. I had everybody else's attention. It's recorded on video and audio. You know how we it and talk about past. And that was... And it wasn't like I was like, oh, this is not my fault because I was just like, hey, in the future didn't because I don't like to forget shit you asked me to do. I... You know, I mean, I I guess with with this and I and I understand.

A lot of. I I think the thing that kind of, I'm I'm not E is the wrong word. It it doesn't sit right with me that it radical. I. Honestly. Oh, I Okay. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Because of what you... You would normally, you know, put with the associate with a word, like, radical. Right. Okay? So, you know, radical I mean, you, you know, and and I'm thinking about it as honesty is is a good thing regardless. Oh, yeah. It's a it's a net good. I mean, other moments where it's gonna, like, kick

your ass sure, but it's a net. You know, and and I think a good part of, you know, being in in the Bd, community in world and and living that lifestyle on that that kind of honesty is important. I think so. I mean, because of, you know, trust, a a lot of things go into developing trust among partners and in situations. I and being able to be honest about the things that matter. And that for me is always, like, it general, the way I personally wanna try and live my life is that. 99 point 999999

percent of the time. I'm just gonna be honest because then I don't have to try to remember a false because I won't. Mh. I don't have to be nervous about what I may or may not have said. But, you know, the reality is some white lies, there... It's not awful in some situations right now. Yeah. Everybody's gauge of those is different.

Mine is 1 time in the oldest high school career, did I tell the attendance office he needed to check out for an appointment that he technically had, but he didn't need to check out for because I was like, I'll get you out of school for this day, but I cannot tell a full blatantly lie. I'm not capable of Right? Mh. Like or, you know, not telling somebody that you think that their hair is hideous. Like, that's an opinion, and you don't have to be that kind radically

honestly. It's kinda like hurt somebody's feelings and there's nothing they can do about it. Like, there's there's all these ways that, you know, okay. But, you know, the idea of the way I handle telling newt of not lying and just saying hard things, It is... It's integral for me to who I am

to be trustworthy. And I think that's part of... I mean, part of the reason I have such trust uses because the enough people on the planet are shit your beings and I've had people have given me a reason to have trust issues. Also, I'm not stupid. I know that not everybody tells the truth at the level that I tend the tell the truth I will tell you all of the small things to the point you wish I wouldn't tell you some of these things. Right? It's too much.

Yeah. But for me to be trusted by somebody I care about is 1 of the most important things to me. Mh. And to not be walking around sweating, did I remember to say, you know, what... What's the story on this and or to not be caught out and to be found out. Like, that's not a conversation I'm gonna ever fucking have with you. Of why didn't you tell me this? Why did you tell me something that was not true because You know, for some people, it takes a lot to break trust. For others, not so

much. Right. I'm am a not so much kind of gal. And so I'm gonna treat the people that I want to be trustworthy too the same way of, I'm not gonna give you reasons to not trust me. I'm not gonna give you reasons to doubt my work. Kinda like the the the the treat me meat like, I would treat you kind of thing. Sort of yeah. But also, when I think of it in terms of the... Power exchange element. I don't I don't... I'm not saying anybody else would ever feel this way that there's

Mh. That anybody else has to feels are like, us, I'm not hitting any of that. But quite frankly, probably little else makes me feel as submissive as coming you telling you a thing that I know could have consequences I don't like and knowing that not only am I admitting my own wrongdoing. Right. I didn't do that task. I forgot this thing, Like, whatever it is. I'm putting myself... This is a little a little bit hyper, but kind of at your nurse.

But you're gonna do what you're gonna do within the combines of our power exchange, and I know what those things could be, and the power exchange being your teeth this been being submissive to you is so important to me. And and I... And doing that. Going oh, look what I forgot to do. I don't know what you're gonna do about it. But look what I forgot to do. Almost nothing make me fulfilled more submissive than that because I'm genuinely out of control at

that point. You have the control you of the power, you get to decide what happens next, and not in the fun happy. It's make me feel good kinda way in the way that it's like, oh, here is a clear reminder of the... Actual power exchange. Right? Mh. And I don't I don't seek out consequences. I'm not a fur a girl. I'm I want to be a good girl all the time sassy. Sure. I think I'm funny. And I like to be funny. What but at the end of the day, I just wanna be your good girl.

And, you know, to not be that and for you to know that I don't want it to be a disappointment thing. And what I imagine would happen. And I don't know if that would happen because this never happened because I don't wanna to get that far is if you found out about a thing that didn't tell you about you know as well as I do, I would known. I hadn't done a thing. Before you ever... Right? Mh. I might... It might have taken me a minute, but you would have known in any circumstance. It's not

just the last week anytime time. Because by the time you figured out I had done and had to come to me and say something. In your heart hurts, you know I knew before you got time me. Right? I don't wanna see the disappointment on your face. That's... 00I don't... I'd rather make you mad than disappoint you to I don't wanna make you back. Again, that's the child of trauma. And so I just... I'd rather just... Let's get it out there in the open. I don't know... I am not trying to test my luck here.

I don't know what's gonna happen with this is over, but I will and it. When I just told you and apologize. Got it fucking done. We figured out how to maybe avoid this in the future. As of right now and all come with, There hasn't been a consequence. I haven't asked because that, I don't wanna know. Right. I will be brutally honest. With the people I care about, I will lie like a dog to myself. Okay. And

I'm very good at it's denial. And if I don't wanna know what's thing I will not ask That's the the real irony. I'm gonna be real truthful with you. I'm gonna lie so bad to myself. Lola agrees. Yes. So You know, I don't I don't necessarily think that though... All of the things that I will absolutely air quote this confess. Are necessary good, healthy, important, meaningful. Like, I don't I don't... I do... It's a real strange self comfort. Thing. I feel better knowing

that we both know. Now I think it would be different thing and I would have to to contend with it differently. If the truth I was telling you were things that were going to hurt you. Right? Like, if I had to tell you a thing and confess a thing that was going to be mentally physically, blah something painful for you that I caused the pain or that somebody else did, you know, maybe I'd have a different view on it.

It really has been some stupid ass bullshit stuff that truly, I could've just not said anything, but also, I can't... Part of that part of that, and it's not all of it. Part of it has is because you and I talk about the most mundane things, the most random things, the deepest things, most important things And while and we did the episode several weeks ago about, you know, you don't have to quite communicate every fucking thing on your mind. And I am getting better at that.

I don't ever want to have just not told you something you're lied to you about something. That means that I literally can never fucking bring it up if it, like, relates to something again. Now I'm like, doing this like, little dance of did I tell him that can I talk? Like, I want... Even if I don't tell you every thought I'm having or every emotion I'm feeling. I don't wanna close the door on my ability to do that. So we can have the conversation and joke around about the fucking sheet.

Because I told you. Right. Regardless of what was gonna happen. And I I know when I'm honest like that about my own you know, scrubs or whatever that I am inviting whatever the consequence might be. Right? Like, I'm not... And it's not a oh I'm look at me. I'm so great. I'm... I don't know what consequences It's like, no. No. I am helping out future me, but so Right now me is like bitch. You worked dumbass shit. But future me like, no. I wanna be able to talk about

shit. I don't wanna ever wonder. Can I talk about that? Because I just fucking set it? Yeah. Now did I know I... That's why I was doing stuff in the very beginning? Like, did I have it figured out at that level that this is what... No. Did I... I mean, I'm not out for all that I probably sound really naive or really like, I don't know. Another word I can't think of right now.

I understood that I was ridiculous when I was gonna, like, air quote confess to nearly losing a necklace that we both were considering my collar. Mh think that I did not lose. I understood the gonna absurdity of that worry or that, you know, moment of but it was also the first time we'd ever had a moment where technically, you... I could have handed you a reason to be unhappy with me. Right?

And there was some fear there too. I didn't know how you were gonna react because an mostly mentally healthy person is gonna go... I know mentally healthy. A mostly not shitty person. Let's say that is gonna go, what... It's fine. You, you know, that sucks she almost lost it, but you got it back. You're cool. It's the really shitty person who's gonna, like, make you feel bad about a thing, but you don't need to feel bad about out.

And, you know, in the beginning, it's a possibility that part of what I was trying to do was to learn out how you would react. Because I know that I was nervous about how you would react because we had not had this kind of moment. Everything had been like super happy, super good, new relationship energy. You know, and here I am going, okay. This isn't a big deal. But what if he makes it a big deal. Right? Yeah. So it's... That first time was a very layered new nuance thing. But

I didn't understand myself yeah. Well enough to know all of the ins and outs of why I was. You know? Nuance I could sit and as as as a dominant. I could sit a nit pick. Yeah. And... There are some out there who will? Every little thing. Mh. Okay. And and to me, sometimes, III look at it as, you know, don't sweat the small stuff. Mh. Over the years, you've gotten me to be better about that? Mh. I think when it comes to

the the us. Stuff, the stuff that even if it's small, it doesn't have a major impact on our lives, that it involves both of us. I'm gonna I'm gonna keep telling you sure. The absolute treat into my own detriment. Yeah. But, yeah, I think that what I... What I've done with not fucking people who are not you. Right? Excuse me. Or people who are not in my... Absolute tight inner circle, which are mainly you and the kids is I'm not gonna lie... I'm just not gonna say anything.

I'm maybe fucking engage in conversation. I mean, like, I'm not gonna put myself in a position where I have to decide, do I... Am I... Brutally honest here or not. Mh. I'm just probably not gonna have much to say. If if the the idea is that this is a person who's gonna ask me a question that I don't want to answer or that my impulse might be to not to not want, to tell them the brutal truth as a self protection thing, not for any nefarious reason. Yeah. I'm not gonna

make room for that kind of conversation. Pretty that's probably not mentally healthy, but I don't care. My piece is quite protected. Thank you very much. Now. Is there anything from your perspective about this entered... Like, personal dynamic of the radical honesty thing that you would like to say or add to. I don't I don't think so. Okay. Mainly because I think you know, the the subject of honesty is something that should be. Ops. It it ought to be a given.

Right. The Monday episode that'll come out, like, after this week's podcast episode. It is an example of how not being honest, fucking destroy shit. Right? Like, Okay? Yeah. There you go. And and I think you go. Anybody who has made it to legal adult status fucking knows

that. Right? Now I kinda wanna shift to this idea of radical honestly Steve, being this thing where you become radically honest a slash authentic and like the person said their little walk goes to the x extent that you're capable of at the time with yourself And who you are. And because is that not the King than for many people. And you know what that makes absolute per... You know, hearing that when you read that,

like, wow. Okay. Because You know, I I can even even myself as as much as, you know, we we had talked about how much is I I am a self motivated person. Yeah, you know, there are... You know, III think all of us have those lies we tell ourselves. Right. And we don't... Obviously, we don't consider them lies. We just... There things we believe that are not necessarily true. Oh, I'm I'm I'm gonna have that piece

cake right this. There. And and I'm gonna enjoy that piece cake, but I know I shouldn't have that piece cake because, you know, it... It's not good for me. And Gonna feel guilty And then after the fact You know, oh, I'm I'm... You know what? I had a really rough day. I'm not gonna take that walk today. I don't I don't wanna do it. It's not... It's not... You know, So, yeah, I I can see how there's a lot of ways that we we do that to ourselves. Mh. Mh. And

not a malicious. No. Various way. It's just a sometimes it's more comforting or it feels safer to think The thing that maybe later you go, oh, that was not necessarily. The most honest I could be with myself. So It makes me think... Because you and I have as many as all of us do. A completely separate experience with what I was like to kind of figure out we were kin, go through that process and for me. I be completely a innocent and night even watch kinky things

and know they were kinky. Figure out I was kinky and have a sense of relief. Right? Because... But I didn't try kinky shit before that. Not, like, that I didn't experiment whatever. So for me, there's... It wasn't that I was at not being my authentic self. I did not know that that could be and a part of my some. But your experience with from the very early days to, like, where you're at now. Nothing you experimented with kin without having the language for it.

You tried to do things, but then you had the guilt and you have the the right be because All of that out far. Because to... At at that time to me, what what I associated with, you know, yeah, I was doing things. I was I was spanking. I was, you know, tying tying someone up. And and the relationship did not last, you know, looking back now, relationship never could. Right. Yeah. The things you

know Okay we can look back on. But at at that time with that you know, that that that young brain of mine at that time was like, oh, no. This is what made the relationship bad. Yeah. Okay? Because that's wrong things to do. And... Right. I'm not supposed to do that I'm bad for doing that. This relationship failed, so therefore that is proof that what I was doing was bad. Was bad. And then fast forward to the relationship your in before you and I. Mh. And you tried it

again. Right. And were treated like you were bad. Yeah. Like, like, there's all these... In app... Again, everybody's experience this and way forward is gonna be different. But for folks who get them... Like external message from your religion from your partner from

whatever you're watching from whatever... Wherever the messages are coming from, that kin in whatever form is bad, it... I mean, the fact that any of us are able to over come all of that messaging and all of that guilt and all of those like, Mh. Net negative, you know, self talk and the the self doubt to step into your authentic self of which Kin is a part of that is extremely brave. Right? Like, it might not feel like a brave thing at the time. It might not feel like that big of

a deal. It my... But it's like you literally went against not only what the outside world was telling you. Right. Your own internal, not correct, but we don't know that at the time. At the time. Yeah. Incorrect thinking about a thing to go, but This is who the fuck I am, and I'm just... I'm gonna fucking embrace it now. Right. Now I know we've had the conversation, but I don't know if I've ever... Asked that specific question.

What was was there a specific moment not when you started exploring, not when you started going... But when you just kind of and maybe embraced this the only word I got. But you basically you embraced it. You went. All that tells me it's wrong, but this is who the fuck I am. Yeah. That that moment for me. Was when I was sitting down and talking to a mas, And at that time, I was still... It it was strange because I embraced the the ds, the power. Mh. Exchange. Where I was struggling with was the,

sad in the mask. Mh k. Mh. And and she sat down, and and her and I we were we were out of lunch, and she was talking me, and she explained to me what it meant. Da mask receive pain. And it was at that point, listening to her and and and her explanation and everything. It was then at that point that everything just kind of came together came together and mesh. After that moment, because you've told me that story before. Mh. But I don't know that

we've ever talked about after. So after that moment where you kind of have that epiphany? Maybe Mh. What happens next? Do you... Does it just become a little bit easier to explore? Do you have a different mindset? Do you have a different mood, like, what happens after it? If for me at that point, it was definitely a different mindset. Mh. Because I wasn't some... I I realized that I wasn't some per just you know, but the best way. Yeah. I Get you're saying? You know what

I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. And and at that point, then it made me made it much easier. Mh. To to dive in Mh. To the community yourself back? Right. I was no longer holding myself back. Yes. And I think that that I like the idea of the the idea of where maybe radical honesty that as a concept has gone, where we're talking about knowing... It's sort of know thy myself. Right?

Because whether it's kin or at something else, oftentimes you have to throw off some old beliefs and some incorrect thinking and the messages you... Received from, you know, and you have to go... This is my truth. This is who I am. Right. And it doesn't matter if the outside world approves of it. I'm I'm I mean, it Yeah. I mean, it... It's a matter of finding your truth and and, you know, like, what I did for many years. You know, this is what a relationship is supposed to be.

Right. Got him. Yeah. You know? Buy societal standards. This is what it's supposed to be. And, you know, but I I could never fully fit into that. And I think that's the thing. I think a lot of people, maybe maybe younger, people younger than us who get... Got to be raised with the Internet and add to the information. Maybe more of them will have a different experience. But I think it's a very human experience to try to force yourself to fit,

you know, square ground hole. Mh. The the ideals of what you've been taught are the air quote correct. Way. Yeah. And it never feels right and stat and many of us, I know there are people out there who figure it out and they're like really self actual very early on in life, and I'm am very happy for you. The rest of us have to go through our thirties to forties. It quote mid midlife crisis before we get there, whatever. Through the meta morph. Right. But, you know, the thing I'm

understanding better now. And then I'm not perfect at it. I still get sucked up into it for other things is what happens is we try to force ourself to fit what we've been taught is what we're supposed to do. Mh. It doesn't feel right. And instead of saying And and this thing doesn't flooring. We not right. I'm... This doesn't fit. This doesn't

feel right yet. But, yeah. But the... Before you can get to that point of why it doesn't feel right now who you really are and whatever you're truth is your radical, honesty self honesty thing is, we we don't say the thing I'm trying to do doesn't work for me. We tell you know, many not all tell ourselves. I am wrong because I can't make this work. And I think that it it ought to be for folks who can get there very

free. To realize that you're not wrong. You were just trying to make yourself beat somebody, you're not you're not. And you're not III think... And and there's there is something else because it's eat it... No. Well, none of it's easy. Yeah. You know, to to accept because accepting the truth of yourself, your your truth is only part of it because at that point, then, you know, I could realize that I'm I'm kinky, but I'm meant... You know, I these are

the relationships I've known. This is my comfort zone. I have to step out of my comfort zone now. Mh. Yeah. You gotta do the scary thing. Yeah. And I think my experience with talking to other kings and the messages we get and the... The people who share with us is that a lot of people get stuck in that. They know who they are. Mh. But to be able to take that step into it to try to to try to have, you know, to to get to live the life that they want that feels right for

them. And that is not 24 7 Power exchange for everybody That's whatever in this specific case troy Mount Kin. That's whatever that means for that. Right? At And that, I do see a lot of people get stuck there because there's a leap of faith that has to happen. Mh. And you have to be willing to fuck... It up a little bit before you can get good at it. Right. And there's some friction there, and that is difficult for

people. Now what I... I like to see, but this is where who it can go off the rails because friends is a thing. It's when people go. I am this kinky person and they jump in with both feet and blind on. They're not... The brain is not a part of the place out of the frying pan and into the

fires Was fucking. And I think that, you know, I think a lot of us, once you hit that point of whatever your point of is, I'm gonna do this because it's it it's it's harder to not do it than it is to do it it and there's a drive behind it for you that I'm I'm going for it. I'm fucking going for it. Right? You know, the the frenzy that can come on sub, or dom. I mean, we've only Yeah. Once or twice even mention the concept of maybe there's a dom frenzy, it would make sense to me that there is.

But, you know, that f feeling of, I've gotta do all the things. And if I don't do it right now, I'll never get you to And and it's A lot of times, it comes from this really joyful place of this excitement of I know who I am, and I'm I'm ready. Let's go try it out. But. And gonna need somebody y'all to keep your thinking cap on while you do it? Yeah. A little healthy. What's the word I want? Fuck. Not mistrust, but a little healthy, like, there's a word I can. Somebody will think

of it for me. You know, But... And there... And those are the 2 extremes the... I know I'm kinky, but I'm too afraid to do anything about. I'm not ready yet. And the thing is is and I'm... A lot of times I'm like this in these moments we're having these conversations, I'm not, But, like, outside of that I am. We think that the way we... Feel in this moment, the fear, the uncertainty, the whatever is how

we're always gonna fucking feel. And so you then there are people who are, like, I'm... I know I can keep it I'm too afraid to do anything thing. I'll never do anything. Well, I that might be true, but really what it means is now, maybe you're not ready. Maybe you're not ready to take that leap of faith yet. I... There's not a fucking thing wrong with going. I know I'm kinky. I am not ready to go to the dungeon. I am not ready to talk to a person, not ready for lunch. Okay. Then

do the self work. Like Right. Go learn. Go read. Go listen. Go wash, like whatever, not there's so many fuck resources out there, and sometimes just hearing enough varying perspectives. On how people figured out they were kinky, what they did first, what they've experienced where they've been, you can eventually get to the place where you're ready And, you know, that that's the other kind of ironic thing I noticed is we talk about the radical honesty of figuring out who

you are and owning it. I am kinky. Whatever the fuck that means. Right? And but the... But because you get, you're not ready to take whatever that next step is for you. I see a lot of people who go, oh, well, maybe I'm not really kinky because I'm not running around here, Naked knee for everybody who looks at me cross side. With a spiked collar on. Like, I know. Yeah. Everybody just take a deep breath. You are... You don't have to go do the kin thing you personally can imagine to

be authentically kinky. Right? You are kinky whether you're acting on it or not, if you are... If you tell yourself Yep. I'm I'm. I'm dumb. I'm a switch. I'm a sad. I don't ask you switch, whatever labels you start with that feel right for you. You are that thing even if you have not... Physically jumped into it to experience it yet. Now you might jump into it experience and go, maybe Not what I thought I was. It's fine. That's that's part of it. It's part of the the discovery process.

But, yeah, I mean, I see some folks who kinda just hold themselves back from their own. Truth in their own reality every step of the fucking way. And then I see the people who realize their truth and then jump in, fully closed both feed, you know, no float on or anything, and sometimes that works really well, and then sometimes not so much. But I wonder and I... Because I'm not like this. Even though I understand, I think the

the desire for this. I wonder if for some kinks not all that have this desire because we get this question a lot of, how do I tell everybody in my life that I'm, you know, in a power exchange. Right? And my response tends to be. Well, why do you have to tell them? Now, it's a personal decision. If you wanna tell people you you ought to and let's fix how you need do that in a way that keeps you as safe

as possible. But I wonder if for some people, it's because the radical self honesty is this year who I am, and then some of that carries on into maybe. Other people need to know it because this is such a an integral part of who I am. If you don't know this part about me. Do you really? No. III think, you know, you say that, you know, why do weather it's people need to know. I I think it's more of a a self thing. It's

like, yeah. And I I think it has to do it with being honest, but people I I think for some people, you know, whether it's it's it's it's Bd m, whether it's any other alternative sure type lifestyle, to a certain extent you feel you can't be your true self without unless people know. And here's the thing. I I agree with that completely because... How many people are close to me in my non king life, who know me under my legal name, not

fucking many. Mh. Because under my legal name who is parent and, you know, got j family members and all that, those folks don't know who I am, not on any real team level, not anymore of the people. I used to know the people, but they didn't know who I was then because I have had trust issues, probably from the cradle. I am to me my true self and I'm out in the world as Kayla Lords. Now Yeah. Where do I get to go to be k, king spaces here in the King space we create for

ourselves, lunches is parties. Done. Who that. Right. And I And that, you know, could I live my life? As. Yes, but then I could never see my mother again. Right. Right. Yeah. Because for her, I am K in sort name she gave me. Mh. And that's a different experience, but I agree with that. Like, I don't want my non kin... The non king people in my life to really know this part of me, this is way too personal minutes. And I don't wanna... I don't want to...

I don't wanna answer questions. I don't wanna fucking answer. You know what I mean? I don't want to wade through the judgments that I... You've met my family. You know they would tell me what they thought. Right? Yes. I don't wanna can wait through that. And we have gone through it years ago now. Right. And, you know, that it... That was not a positive experience not I But for me, the way I do it is to go. No,

for... And this is personal as personal for everybody and the way you decide to do it is the way you decide to do it, I'm not judging it out. All 1 way or the other. For me, if you know me under my legal name and you only know that about me, you only get a certain layer, me. Right. Now does my mother get much deeper layer than the average person, of course. But it for It ain't all of it.

Mh. And ain't all of it. But if you know me as Kayla Awards, you probably know shit about me, and I don't just my keane clive. You probably know some of my inner thoughts that not not a soul on that vanilla side has scenario. And that's for me, that's how I do that other people, yeah, They wanna tell their closest friends, They wanna tell people that they trust. And while I cannot relate to that, I want people to do that if that's what they want.

God knows, I'd like to live in a world where, you know, the internet doesn't decree on any given day that this kin is, you know, this negative thing or look like, whenever. But my whole point to wondering is if in the discovery process of the self, and figure and being radically honest with yourself about who you are. If that desire to continue to be that honest just for some people just transfer Well now Wanna be honest with everybody that matters to me. Right? Like.

And I... You know, that makes sense to me if that is thing that people have experienced. It doesn't have to make sense what... All my caveats. Right? It doesn't have nothing you do has to make sense to me to be valid. I'm just in the conversation. Thinking that I can see that. I can I can absolutely see how that would work? You know? So... Yeah. Up in the live chat. Mh. Silent said, what about... Let me see if I can find it. How that relates to imp center. And I

I think... I don't... If we haven't done it, I think impostor syndrome who as a topic would probably be... I have to go back to the archives. We might have done it 403 episodes later. Impostor syndrome, is an interesting concept because it's something that for a long time I carried around as, like, part of who I was part of my identity. I have a impostor syndrome, And I'll have to go dig it up. It was a video. It was something I read.

It was something where it was a video of a a high powered woman giving commencement speech to a college, like, all female graduating class or something. And she was talking about how impostor syndrome is kind of the it's not what we've been taught to internalize. It's something that's kind of put on us

in Blah blah. So that is a an as an idea and and its own topic if we haven't done yet, It's very interesting to me, blah with impostor syndrome as it relates to radical honesty, I think that might be where 2 worlds collide if radical honesty is to realize and embrace within yourself that you are, whatever your kin identity is. Right? Oh an impostor syndrome is that feeling of ever... I don't know what I'm doing. I'm not doing it Everybody knows. I don't know what I'm doing. But I

get here I deserve that. I'm not doing... You know, right. What I'm doing is nowhere near as good as what that person is doing. I feel like that is only in terms of radical honesty, and I think this is only, like, 1 1 millionth of a degree of all of the things Could go into impostor syndrome, I would say that that is the self lying to itself. Because first of all, impostor syndrome, you Sometimes for some people comes from anxiety. And anxiety is your lying brain lying to

you or. Yeah. You know, it's it's telling you, hey, what you would need to think about are all the things that could happen in the future that we can't actually predict, but we're gonna try to predict. Them, and we're gonna tell you it's a self protective thing, but actually, it's gonna suck for you. Right? Like, And so I almost feel like on some level that... And I've I've... Have the the feeling before. So it's not to negate that the feeling of impostor syndrome does not exist, it

absolutely does is a thing. Right? But if it's got a... Front radical honesty. It's it's it's almost the anti to radical honesty. Because radical and honesty is this is who I am, and this is this is what is authentic to me in this moment. Mh which means you own the fact that you are the thing, whatever that thing is. Then even have to be a king identity, and it doesn't matter.

Somebody else's kin identity or what they're doing with their identity or how it works or what the worlds, says this kin identity does. Radical honesty means I know myself in this... And I am firm it. Mh. Impostor syndrome again, as a millionth of a degree of the whole conversation because it's very nuanced. Mh. Is the self going... But are you new Right. Yeah. Yeah. Right. So and silent makes a nothing no episodes about impostor. So guess what that'll be coming up at a point.

Do, you know, I... Do I personally as an individual cable lords think radical honesty of self and with others? Is it AAA good thing. In general, yes. Yeah. I do think the the way I express my radical honesty to you, I can admit it is probably not always the healthiest because does it cause me unnecessary an. Sometime. Yeah. And and yet there are times that I have said to you, I didn't even to know that much. But I needed you to know that much. And that and that is a clash of things. Right?

Like, where does? Yeah. Your... My need for you to know, Mh. And and your need to not know, began. Yep. And that's I think the push and pull of figuring that out. Mh. I, you know, I think if I would never tell. I think I have. We're gonna talk about that later at some point. Okay. You're... I I know what my radical honesty gets me. It it reduces my own personal anxiety and it gets me in trouble. At the same time. And that feels inherently unfair, but it is what it is... Trouble if

that's any conflict. Okay. That's what I needed. We're not trouble. At what I need to know. Yeah. Because I'm absolutely still that little kid who like walked around yeah. A... Like, picture perfect child because I was so afraid of getting in trouble and yet still managed to get in trouble because some people needed therapy more than they needed to be parent. But whatever, whatever.

What is that thing that I hear on the Internet a lot is that a lot of us are in therapy for the things done to us by people who refuse to go to therapy, like... Yeah. Yeah. Yep. Yep. But, you know, my brand of, I will say it to my own detriment. I don't... I'm not saying everybody up. Ought to be like that. Do I think that more people ought be more honest than they are? Yeah. Because it goes back to learn how to have the hard fucking conversation.

Say the hard thing. I will admit to Jb that I fucked up, and I'll look him in the eyes when I do it because he is a safe person for me to have the hard conversation when we have gotten through harder conversations than me having to fucking admit. I didn't full cheat. Like we've been there done that. So I think some truth telling and some radical honesty, in your power and with a kin partner is necessary for you to to grow a deeper bond. The hard part is not everybody is worthy

of your rap... Your truth. Right? We've talked about that when we talked about vulnerability and intimacy. Not everybody actually deserves that. And that's a hard life lesson to go through a figure out who the hell deserves it and who doesn't.

But I would rather more people learn how to say the hard thing in terms of hard thing isn't admitting when you were wrong or admitting you did a thing or admitting you didn't do a thing because I think think that that is how that bond grows and how trust and integrity and all of that deepens with a partner that you want it to deepen with. Mh. Think I do not think anybody needs to go to the extremes with what I get. No. You would never advocate for that. When it comes to radical on, see of

self. I think that... I think anybody who is able to look themselves in the eye, like, go to the mirror. Right? Or tell another human being or whatever that, like, deep that admission looks like and go. I'm kinky and here's what that means. Me, you've already found a sense of radical honesty. The fact that anything out told you back is just part of the process. Like, for you know, I don't think you wake up 1 day, fully actual of, I know exactly who I am. And I know what that means, and

I'm ready to... Do all the things, and I will never be nervous about it again? Like, okay. What drugs are you taking and could you share? Because the rest of us mere mortals wake up on Monday and go, yeah. I'm kinky. Okay. Now on Tuesday we wake up and go what the fuck does that even mean and how do I find a partner and what Am I gotta fuck this like, I mean, that's just part of the process. Now what? Right. Now what?

So... Yeah. So Yeah. I have run out of steam, So I can actually honestly say that while things will occur to me later of, oh, you definitely should set that. Right now, I'm out of words. So I guess we could kindly wrap it up and head into the bonus second. We can. And there's there's stuff for the bonus. Should. Yeah. Yeah. So that's that on radical honesty. Okay. So are we are we good? I have no fucking glasses Keep it jin on. And we'll see you next week. Yes, baby girl.

Can we talk for the crickets, please. Yeah. Yeah. So first, I'd just like say, happy your birthday Andre? Oh, yeah Caught. Alright. All the people we know. I'll even damn cancers. All these summer babies you know where our parents are doing in the cold months? What else was there to do? Apparently. Hey. I know how old you are what else was there to do in the cold month. And deep. And yeah and technically, my parents too, but it was Florida. It was Florida Winter. Yeah. That was January.

They were... That's when it gets cold in Florida. So I know what they were doing to keep. And then my mother pushed out a nearly 9 pound. And thank you for the birthday wishes spoke. Yes. If you're joining us after, like, late and you're like, what the fuck? Jb birthday is Friday, July twelfth. For podcast listeners sn. It's the day this episode goes live. Everybody else. Like watching on video or whatever. For time travel. For So... Mh. Mh. Mh. So you have a big announcement.

Still doesn't feel real. I know it doesn't. Y'all... He's h this up and you're gonna be like, what, the fuck... It's it's big. It's it's big for us. If for us. It's not big like in don't know. It... It's not earth chatter. It's not gonna... But it is. It stop stop stop the world or, you know, Anything. But it it's a big, very big deal for us. Mh. We finished eighth grade. Finally, our first year of homeschooling. I'm a need to become 1 of those moms who... 1 owns a Stanley because I

don't even own a Stanley. And who puts her alcohol in it because mh. I'm pretty sure that would make the school stuff much more interesting. I just boost it up a little bit so so, yes. We we are now, officially parents of a high school? Yes. Rising ninth grader. Yeah. Yeah. I'm gonna be old fashioned and old fashioned for the south because I think, like you Northern folks still have this experience. He's not starting school till after labor day. Yeah. No. The the rest of his peers here in

the county will start. I think I'm august fucking fifth. What the hell is that shit? I know. I know. No. We're gonna We're gonna take off. They keep. Moving it and further. But now. But but, yeah, we... We're we're definitely taking bit of a break. We need other things to focus on at the moment. I again still hasn't quite sunk in. Because we had kind even to... So Tuesday day before recording. It was his last call with a teacher,

his last exam. We did them back to back, which was not his normal thing, but that's how we did it because we wanted to get fucking done with this. So the that Tuesday it didn't feel real because we had done school. Today, it doesn't quite feel real because with this with us live. I Wednesdays is we're always kind of a weird day for school.

Anyway, I'm thinking it's not gonna feel real probably till next week when I'm going into the week and no conversation that I have with anybody is about what assignment to do what no Who's gonna sit the kid because even when he didn't need help school, he needs a needs body. Just needs somebody there and you can do it. And it's, like, who's gonna do do I have to text the teacher? Do I have to email a teacher? Like,

none of that. And the way we're gonna try to have it for his first year, high school is I well, I'm not a teacher. The curriculum we pay money for. Will hopefully be the. But, like, there's no email and no damn is me, which I know. That what's gonna happen, come whatever the day after Labor Day is this year is when the panic will set in of what do you mean is just me I'm not fucking qualified. So... But I got a couple of months before I gotta work about. Yep.

So, yeah. Yep. Good bill. Mh. And he, you know, he ended. At all with decent grades. You did. You did 1 a. Overall, it was like a couple of a's, mostly b's and 1 little c, which was 1 of those c's that, like, half a point and it would have been a be. Yeah. Yeah. But I also don't fucking care. It was as hard as fucking class and he earned that fucking. Yep. So quite frankly so did I. Because... And and you know what? I I look it this way. Everybody can't be good at everything.

Nah. Us See, And I'm... It's yet another moment where I'm purposely being the exact opposite of how I was parent. The expectation was I would come home straight a's. If it wasn't an a, what the fuck did Id wrong. That was... That was how I was raised. And so I'm like, I just need to know that you're putting in the f for that you can put in. Right. And if there's effort there, and that's what the greatest is. That's what the greatest is. Yep. So... Yeah.

That Yeah. But I get we both get a couple months off. We're both very excited about it. Yeah. So, yeah. So yeah, that's the... That's the thing. And Lola was doing okay? Yeah. Not gonna to say she's a hundred percent herself. No. But she's per year than she she's perk than than she has been. We've we've redo doubled our effort. To monitor her food. Once again, she is taking the thyroid medication. Mh. She takes pills so well, because she'll eat in in. So she'll eat it. She even know

that is a pill. Yeah. So, you know, she she started the the thyroid medication. She's been on that for a little bit. She's... Maybe not quite half into the antibiotic. That she was taking. Lauren she takes 3 and a half pills of the ant. Oh my gosh. I'm trying to hide those. That's... Yeah. But, yeah. She she seems to be doing okay. I... You know, the the Vet did talk about side effects. Possible side effects from from the medic different medications.

So far, have not really seen any any of the side effects. Mh. With her. So yeah. She's she seems she seems to be doing okay last night. Oh my gosh. She she was in a playful mood. Oh, yeah. I don't know if you you were sitting with. I was doing history. With the youngest, and she she decided to play me and her and eye. We were playing tug war. Back here and and she... Yeah. Because I looked at... 14 year I went. What's that

noise? And he's like, I think, mister John and Lola play, And I was like, oh, okay. Lola takes her The tug war very serious. You had to get a special tug of award toy so she wouldn't tear anymore. Right. And it it holding up pretty well. It's holding up very well. So... She's sn now. Yeah. And I'm, you know, I have been doing better with my back. And and I with that, I have been trying make sure I get her out more often

Yes for walk. To the point that she now will let us know in know uncertain terms that she would like to go forward. Thank you very much. Yeah. So, You know, yeah. Been been doing that with her. Mh. And we're still walking? Yeah. We did it this morning day recording. Mh. Tell me, I mean, and we're each of our own individual experience of this damn walk. The past few times that we did it. I... I mean, it felt like I was trying to move my body through mud. Like, I

was un coordinated. I couldn't get my arms and my legs to, like, move together today. Mh. Like, it was stream. Like, I I think we were moving faster than we normally did. I I think it was almost easy today. Yeah. Definitely moving faster. Okay. Definitely definitely moving faster. We we've we've we've certainly... If we we we certainly picked up the pace. Now see this morning and Monday, Mh. But those days were rough. Oh, were they for me? My... Monday Monday was actually the worst.

To me Monday felt like the humidity was already at at that hour the morning just miserable. Last week was really rough. And Monday was rough for me. Mh. But I don't... For me, I don't ever chalk it up to the, like, humidity is truly, like, getting my body to want to move almost like a Marion. Like, who's got the strings because they don't know what the fuck they're doing. Right? But today I was just like, I was almost gaze cell like in my. They were smooth and fluid, like the arms

and legs knew what to do. Because you noticed Monday, and again, today. Mh. You didn't do the back. We all the way down and back. Yeah. So on the street... We live on. Our house is, like, kind of in the middle street. Right? And the street doesn't end and, like, go another road technically. Technically. A dead end. Yeah. So what Jb had been doing for a while, and I had, like, gotten myself, just... I just accepted it. I wasn't pounding anymore is we would on our way back. We

would bypass our house. Down to the end of the street and then come back up. Yeah. But he doesn't slow the pace down so that it's a cool down. We're still going at full force. I would say, maybe that should be our cool down, but whatever do I know? But the past... Yeah, couple days you hadn't done it. Yeah. And I've gotten very... I don't know if I'm... If this is the correct way I think about

it, but kinda zen like about it. When we turn back down on our street, and we're getting closer to our house I don't I tell myself, if we turn if we turn and go up the driveway. Great. If we don't... Fine. I'm prepared for whichever 1 he chooses this is fine. And I've... In the moment, I don't sound like in now. I know, but in the moment, Genuinely believe it? Mh. That does not mean though that the moment I see that he's turned up the driveway. My brain goes, oh, fucking god. Do you Yeah.

You know, we're we're doing okay with it. We're we're holding in there. Now how it will hold up through August. Mh. We can't go any fucking earlier, and, you know, the main street that we walked down for first part of our walk after we get off our road, it has been dark lately, like darker than usual. Partly of couple street lights are out here. Yeah. And it's an overcast and... Right. There was 1 house that always left their back, porch lights on, Like, they had these hanging

lights. And they They've changed in some way 1 night they were out, whatever. So today, Jb wore a head lamp. What I learned about Jb, wearing a head lamp. For the walk 1, there was a little a little light, that made me feel better. I was, I felt a little calmer. But I also learned that this man's head is on a fucking swivel. I learned trying to follow the light as like, that's letting me know what's gonna bad and the lights. Oh, it's back. It's forth

it... Street. This is every road, and he had a pattern and he had a tempo to it. We would turn down a new road. Left, right center, about 5 seconds, left. Right. And I'm trying to, like, let the light shine, like, all the light on the road, so I could see what's coming and every time he would move up I'm like, god. More walking. All This is also because I'm scanning I'm scanning.

And that's a good thing because he... So look, for all my radical honesty bullshit, I don't wanna know what I don't wanna know. And I could never do a 05:30AM walk in the total fucking dark by myself. Wouldn't do it. Can't do it. But him with me is the only way it's happening. I feel a modi come of comfort because he's already proven that if we think something's coming at us, he shows me behind him. It's... Wonderful because thank god. Okay.

Mentally, I'm ready, like, and it's... When it's mental stuff, I will be the warrior, I'll put him to the back of protecting book. Physically, I need somebody to hide behind. But my thing is because denial is powerful. I'm like, if I don't look around and I don't see the danger at the danger just not exist. So his Eyes Invisible. Nobody could see me. His heads on a swivel and I'm just like look ahead, make eye contact with nothing. That's how you get safely through.

Yeah. We, you know, we have been now twice. Actually, 3 times, twice by 1 dog, want by another. Mh. You know? And in our walk. They have been very friendly. Yeah Yeah. I'm very puppy like both. Mh. 1 was a pity, like, a white. Yeah. Was like, I I couldn't tell the dark, what color of the spot brown. Maybe Brown, but sweet baby Yeah. Such a puppy and such a goof ball that the puppy got the Zoom ran around us, round his mom, and then tripped over his own feet now zoom.

And, you know, that... It's only happened twice his that we've met with. And and and the owner was running out. She's like, he's friendly. He's friendly. And I'm like, I know he's looking my hand, right. But, yeah. I... Yeah. Learning that you are constantly scanning. I... I mean, Once I realized what you were doing, I was like, that's probably a good and safe and wonderful thing, and I'm very happy, but also could you point the fucking light the front.

This is supposed to help us see in front of us But Yeah. The walks are going great. Now I have to I have to say this because I know at the beginning of the pot podcast. And I... Am maybe even not at the very beginning. Maybe even in the past few years. I used to say this all the time because he used to say this. There was a legit rule. Rule y'all in this house. That Jb did not talk to no damn body till he'd had at least a few

coffee in the morning. And I had to learn that the hard weights because, look, between parenting and having jobs or I had to be up and, like, functioning at, like, 07:00 in the morning I trained myself to know how to just get up, and, I don't wanna talk to no fucking body, but I can. Okay? And I love Jb. So I desperately wanna talk to him. Hang even if it's to tell him about the main thing, he did to me in my dream that hurt my darling.

But so I had to like, learn to not, like, not immediately start talking when he first woke up wakes up. And we've been doing that for years. It's like it's a family joke that if we're gonna leave to go anywhere as a family before Jb b's had his first cup of coffee, don't make eye contact don't shit chat, just get in the fucking car, and once he takes a couple of sips, then it's say. It's fine. That... I mean, that's been the family fucking rule 10 years. Mh. This man won't to talk on the morning

and fucking walk. I'm like, I'm not prepared to talk. Where you did not always. You were chad. URT. Mh. So, yeah. My thing is that I spent the day with the 18 year old, you did. I thought silly me. I thought this was an out back trip. Kid was home... First mistake. Right. Kid was home over fourth of July. And he had gotten prescriptions refilled. He was like, oh, they're gonna come in while I'm at home. Let me just have them deliver, like, filled at the home pharmacy. Well, they

didn't... They didn't have them. So he had to wait. And so he was like, hey. Well, my meds come in, when you bring them to me, and I'm like, of course, So they came in yesterday, Tuesday, Today, Wednesday. I I had told him. I'll come I'll come to you, like, mid morning. Drop you... Medication. He just can me go to the grocery store. Like, Of course. If from I'm there with the car, well, like, why am Gonna make him sc around. Also that mountain I was buying groceries.

Okay. Fine. The kid has learned the fine art of who has to look at a price when mom is paying. I was like, that shit. And we're at aldi day. I'm like, that should I won't even buy 1. Right? I know what he's doing. He's not eating out, so he's, like, making sure he. I was like, It's fine. It's fine. Okay. So I thought I'm gonna get there at to about 10. My hand his meds. We're gonna get in the car. Gonna go to Aldi. I'll be home by noon. 03:00. Not quiet, But just before 03:00.

So when I got, are home because I got there. He was actually finishing up an online class. He had muted his camera off muted himself. He's like, I run at even listening to it, but I wanna be counted as present for the whole thing. So I gotta keep it up, and then the the professor like, went over by 5 minutes. Seems like then he goes, I haven't showered yet and I'm like,

hi. So they had to shower and he's like, and then 5 that is my child through and through, so a stream of consciousness talking and so much to say, which is fine. I like soak it up now that I don't get it daily. So that's took, like an extra 30, 40 minutes. Then we go to the grocery store, then he's like, but I'm hungry. And I'm like, but this is Florida in July and you bought ben and Jerry's I'm sorry. I bought Ben and jerry's. We need to get this into a freezer.

He goes, oh, well, then we can go back out. So we did. I got stuck in traffic. And then Satin had lunch, and he had more to say, which was a... Yeah, It was good. Like, I joke about it. But I joke about it because I am... I am him and him is me. Like, I know the way like... And I have given him his whole life, the freedom to talk like that, so it's like, it is what it is. And finally, and I was the 1. Me having to go. Okay. We can keep this conversation going. Let's

get into the car. Let's get into the... Gotta go. Right? So, yeah. So I didn't... I had, like, I made a little to do list. I was like, oh, I'll be home my lunch time. I'll have lunch. I'll spend the afternoon working. Yeah. M. I did the bare minimum removal of what I had to do, and I was like, that's it. I'm done. So, yeah. And and for me, we've reached that part of summer now. I go out in the shop and I work in the morning. I'm in by lunchtime. Mh. And and the heat has just

wiped me. I know, that's gonna be me tomorrow. On Thursday, I got a poor resin for 4 paddle. Yep. I gotta a pour more resin dagger. I'm still working on the resin panels that will be released at some point. The resin dagger are coming in July. Like, that's a guaranteed. What it means is... It's killing because I'm the perfection who's, like, way to like, oh, about shit because I'm like, but I want... I want there to be more. I want there to... I want there to

be enough. There's gonna be more than enough But I'm like, but that's not enough enough. But at some point, you just kinda go fuck it and punch shit alfred for fail, So that's that's what I'm doing. So... Yeah, But I'm pouring. But I know what's gonna happen is I have to... I go out there in the morning as early as I can to pour all that resin. And then by the time I come back in, I'll be like, I'll be whoop, and I'll still have shit I gotta do. Yep.

But I'm hoping when once I take a, cold ass shower, functional again. So Yeah. I mean, we've we we have been, you know, when 1 of our little bedtime routines is I will give kale of the weather. Yes. You know, for the for the next day. And, you know, usually, it's around 10:00, 10 between 10:10 30 that we kinda roll in the bed. Every once in a while a little

earlier, but... Mh. And, yeah. And, you know, we're at the point where, you know, at 10:10 30 at night, we're still at 80 degrees actual temperature. And and the feels like is 87 89 degrees. Mh. Which is why, but like, at 05:30, it's, like, walking we wanna open the door and you've walked into a wet blanket. It's like, there's like humidity. That's okay. So we talked a couple... Weeks ago at how we keep our set higher than many people keep theirs in the summer because we are

not paying a 500 dollar electric bill. No. And so me with my hot flashes, I would be so happy if it was like 73 degrees. So fucking happy. Yeah. But I do well at 75 because I've acclimated to 77. So when he bumps to down to 75, 76. I'm like, oh, this was so good. It's like being in the little cooler. Okay. So the other... Normally at night, he'll bump the air for, like, 2 hours, enough for us to get to sleep. So we fall asleep in a cooler temperature. The other night

set it not for... To go off at 1AM, but at 1PM. So, like, the whole might. We got the good temperature, and he tells me that and I go, oh, so that's why last night I had the best sleep that I've had in literal months. Is that way you're telling. And I woke up freezing my ass off like I was in a freaking freezer. You should have cut up to me because I started still got hot flashes even though it was a much more comfortable sleep. The thing is is you can put

on more layers. If you get cold. There's only so much I can take off. And I... We sleep I we sleep naked. Okay. I know everybody wanted to know that hers We're sleep naked, and I'm like boiling from the inside out. So you got a cold body part, put it on me. I will take it. So okay. Anyway, Danny who. That's us. Yeah. No. You you you you y'all a lot of you along eastern sea board in the northeast talk about their temperature. You use it. You have had some serious heat, much more

serious heat than we've had. Yeah. Yeah. We we actually kinda missed that a little bit. Yeah. I'm not I'm not mad about it. No. Our turn will come in August. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yep. I'm not looking for. Mh. I mean, did temps get up to... It feels like at least got to what 01:09? You wanna not clear. That. That was that was enough for me thing. Mh. So yeah. But, yeah. So that's... Lot of people are still without power. Oh, yeah. I saw some video footage of the flooding in the streets

and stuff as wild. So for anybody, who is affected by barrel or nose but is affected by barrel. Thoughts are with you. Because right yeah fucked. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then, of course, the have barrels making her way up, the. The towards Canada. So Yeah. Everybody be safe. Mh. So on that note, Yeah. We should go. Think was like, night or goodbye or see you later. Yeah. See Or R derek. She. Oh, don't you love my accent. I maybe dead. That's better. That's the actual italian talking. But

On that note, we're definitely gonna go. Thank you for being here with us, especially to the better end. Yeah. We'll be back next week. Mh. Okay. Alright. Fine.