You're listening to the loving BDSM podcast. Kayla Lords here with the one, the only, the I'm I I don't have anything cutesy to say again this week. Dang. John Brownstone. Wow. The brain is mush. The brain is mush. It's been a it's been a long Yeah. Week. Yeah. But we're here, and we're happy to be here, and, ultimately, that's all that matters. That's true. Lola agrees. Yeah. This week, we're answering a question from Adam who provides his sub aftercare, but she's irritable
after every scene. Welcome Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If you're new here, we help kinksters like you have happy, healthy power exchange relationships. Add the podcast to your favorite podcast app so you never miss an episode. And if you'd like us to answer a question you have in a future one of these, you can use our contact page link literally called ask your questions, on our website at loving BDSM.net. That's loving BDSM.net or the link is in the show notes.
Okay. Let's get right into it. Okay. My 41 male Dom and my wife, 42 female sub, have been married for 4 years and discovered our kinky side with each other. Over the past year, we have found that the day after a scene, she is irritable and in her words, pissy and crabby. Her irritability is directly related to how deep into subspace she goes during a scene with deeper subspace leading to a longer period of irritability.
Our aftercare is precisely what she says she needs with showers, cuddles, and verbal affirmations. Is this a form of sub drop? Is this normal? Is there a way to prevent this in advance? Can we get the obvious answer out of the way? Yeah. Yeah. It's drop. Yep. There no doubt in my mind that's drop. Mhmm. I think some of the confusion comes in when some people talk about drop. They'll either talk about physical ailments or and I know in my experience feeling sort of sad or
down. And so you see the crankiness and don't necessarily associate it Right. With drop, but I would say absolutely. Oh, yeah. Without a doubt. Mhmm. Mhmm. So then the next question, is this normal? Yes. Yes. Yeah. Because the higher you go, then you gotta come down. Right. And so typically, it's a direct correlation. The higher the high Right. The lower the
level. I mean, we're we're talking, you know, a lot of different hormones that go into sub drop, you know, your your adrenaline and and, you know Dopamine and serotonin. Dopamine and serotonin. Thank you. Yeah. The space and then the drop. And that's for both sides of the slash. It's just right now it's impacting your submissive. Because however high up you go, you're gonna go just as low when it when those,
chemicals wear off. Exactly. Exactly. And it seems to be, for now at least, the way your submissive responds is with irritability, which is valid. So the on the question of how do we prevent it? If we could figure out how to prevent drop, we'd be millionaires. Right. Because it's the one thing I think most of us would just prefer to avoid. To my knowledge, in our experience, there is no avoiding it. There there isn't, you know, and and yeah. There's no avoiding it, and there's no chasing it.
No. You can just prepare for it. Right. And you're doing the right things. If she's getting the aftercare she wants and needs and you're consistent with it, then that is what you can do in the moment to help mitigate drop. Mhmm. I think the work needs to come on the front end before drop happens. So there needs to be a conversation between the 2 of you when you're in a good head space and you're ready to talk about it. Not too stressful. Right? Right. Not just before a scene or not after a
scene. Right. Where you're talking about how that irritability impacts both of you. Does she feel guilty? Do you feel, like your needs aren't being met in that time frame? Is there a way you can modify whatever your power exchange looks like so that whatever you're feeling that might be negative can be diminished. Is there anything that she can think of that she needs that might help her feel less irritable or just deal with the irritability in another way.
You know, I know when I'm when I'm cranky, especially as a submissive who does not wanna be disrespectful for dominant. When I'm cranky, I just have to shut the hell up or just can't say anything. But I have gotten better at just saying to JB, I am very cranky right now. Yeah. I'm I'm in a I'm in a different headspace, and I just say it so he knows it, and then he it behaves in a different way than he might normally. And then a lot of times I'll ask her, is there
anything I can do? Mhmm. Is there anything you want? And if the answer is no, I just kind of leave her alone, step back, and let her go through her thing until she asks for help or something. Or I crack a joke or I just kind of come back to myself. Mhmm. You know, you can have that conversation with one another, and your submissive might say, I think I just want to be left alone. And then, okay, you do that. Nothing wrong with that. If you do that a few times and
she goes, oh god. That's not feeling right either. That's valid. That's okay. You come back to the moment and have the conversation again and go, okay. But what do you what do you think might help? And such and retry. Yeah. Right. And it might be different from time to time. Look. There are things in drop, out of drop that will make me feel better on one day that won't work the next time. That's true. But the the the biggest thing is keep doing what you're doing with aftercare.
Feel free to together to expand on what aftercare may look like. What we recommend for a lot of long distance relationships is to make sure you're in contact with one another that day or 2 after a scene. That's, you know, yes. You you live together. You're married. You're in contact, but there's a different kind of connection between living your life and going to work and dealing with whatever versus being connected.
So it may be if if she feels up for it because that crankiness is real, that, you know, it might be helpful in the moment to have some source of connection. Doing a comfort thing that she enjoys or that you both enjoy. You know? If I'm in the right if I can get myself into the right headspace, sitting down to watch a movie and just being together And I was just gonna say, you know, some kind of TV show, whether, you know, some kind of cartoon that they enjoy or movie or, you know
Whatever. Something. Anything comedy. So that's a thing to consider as well. But all you can really do for drop is mitigate it and plan for it, and both of you, you know, don't get your feelings hurt or take it personally when the other person is experiencing tough emotions because it's the drop off from the high. Now that does not mean that's not a a free pass to behave badly. You know? We can feel badly and still, you know,
be respectful human beings. Yeah. But, you know, that whole am I doing enough or am I doing it wrong? No. No. No. No. This is just apparently what your partner goes through now and or forever. Drop can change over time. Mhmm. The, the quickness with which you go into some space or the how often you go into some space or if you go into some space, that can change too. So this will likely just morph over time, and the biggest thing is to keep the lines of communication. That's true. That's true.
And I Yeah. I I don't think there's much more to No. No. So I hope that was helpful. We have talked about drop many, many, many times over the years of our podcast, so I'll put links in the places for more information for anybody who's sort of dealing with this and not sure how to
navigate it. And also Subspace, and I think we did an episode on Topspace and all that good stuff because, yeah, just because it's affecting your submissive doesn't mean it can't affect you as a dom at some point in the future. And you can't stop it, but you can prepare for it. So it's kind of all anybody can do. That's true. Mhmm. Thanks for listening to this week's q and a episode.
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