You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast. Kayla Lords here with the one, the only, the you're super cute when you're not super grumpy. John Brownstone. Thank you. You're mildly cute when you're grumpy as long as you're not pointing the grump at me. Right. Right. When it's pointed at me, you're less cute. You're always cute, but it's degrees. It varies.
Gotcha. Just saying. Anyway, this week, we're answering a question from a kinkster who wants to know what happens if you can't agree with your partner of if or when a sub has broken a rule. Welcome to Loving BDSM podcast. If you're new here, we help kinksters like you have happy, healthy power exchange relationships. Add the podcast to your favorite podcast app so you never miss
an episode. And if you'd like us to answer a question that you have in a future one of these, you can contact us through our contact page, literally labeled ask your questions on our website at lovingbdsm.net. That's lovingbdsm.net or use the link in the show notes. Okay. Straight into the question. Alright. My boyfriend, 50 3 male, and I, 38, transmasc, non binary, are both on the sassy, bratty switch spectrum. We're both very new to power exchange.
We're in the beginning of negotiating our dynamic, and I'm stuck on my DS rule definitions. For instance, he enjoys argumentative debate more than I do. I want to use funishments to navigate our differences in this area, but he can get extra bratty with malicious compliance sometimes. Should I try to define, quote, disrespect in detail, or should I wait until things come up and build the definition through lived experience?
Both? Something else? And when we disagree about whether he's broken the, quote, be respectful rule, do you have any tips for navigating discussion? Wow. There there's there's a lot going on there. I know. And I think it is a more common question than more people might realize. Mhmm. Because when you're talking about sassy, bratty, push the envelope Mhmm. You know, push back against the authority Yeah. Malicious compliance, maybe because it's funny, maybe, you know, whatever.
Those are thorny things to navigate if you're also trying to have, you know, rules as part of your power exchange. So okay. Okay. Okay. Are you okay over there? No. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. Are you just a moment? You're like, wow. I'm glad I've I've got a respectful good girl who just wants to follow the rules. You didn't know you were fortunate, did you? No. You know, I I mean, I I've this make me think of something in regards to you. Not that you do you don't do this all that often anymore.
Mhmm. You used to look for loopholes. Because I think they're funny. Yeah. Because I'm like, you didn't think of something and I thought of it. Look at me, I'm super smart. Yeah. So, you know, we're we're talking about brats here so there's a good possibility. Right. See, the thing is when, and I say this as somebody who does not consider herself a brat, but who is quite sassy and Mhmm. Certainly toes the line of brat from time to time. In that spectrum. Right.
The thing that the dominant in that situation has to be is on their fucking toes. Yep. Because brats are very intelligent. They are looking for the loopholes. They are looking for ways to push. Yep. And the reason for the push is gonna be different from person to person. Sometimes it's because they want to see what you'll do. Sometimes it's because they want the punishment slash punishment. Sometimes it's just because they don't maybe have any other way to engage and they have
that Or they're bored. Or there there's so many reasons. Right. So part of navigating how to handle a brat when they're bratting and, you know, toeing the line of, you know, disrespect and broken rules is to try to maybe understand what they're seeking. Hopefully, your partner understands what why he brats or has a a few thoughts about it. So I would say that's that's one thing. Kind of if you can, to the best of your ability, try to talk about the motivation behind it.
And, you know, not everybody is aware that they have a motivation. For some people, it's like, this is just who I am, and that that might be the answer. But if they can tell you what's going on in their mind when these moments happen Mhmm. That might give you some understanding of how to navigate it. The other thing specific to your questions is, do you, you know, define disrespect in detail now or or define it over time through lived experience? I think it is both.
If you can think about the different behaviors that you have already experienced with your brat and how you see them and what strikes you as disrespectful or a when a rule has been broken, go ahead and talk about that and negotiate that in detail now. Set the expectations of what you can already foresee in the future because you've experienced it now. Right. That's
where you start the line. Yeah. Don't, you know, do it in as much detail as you can because what you're gonna find is if if your brat is half intelligent, they're gonna find a way to to to pick it apart or or find that loophole. And and that is not anything that reflects on you. It's just the way it is. So, you know, you gotta kind you you have to be as much detailed as you can, but realize that you're still probably gonna have to close some doors. Right. And they're gonna happen after the fact.
Right. They're gonna do the malicious compliance because you didn't realize that this could be a loophole that they would find or this is a way that they would handle it. Mhmm. The other thing I would say is make sure you're both in agreement that here's the rule, here's what it means when it's broken, here's what whatever the consequence is gonna be, punishment or actual punishment, like, however
y'all wanna handle it. But, you know, they're going to have to agree to, not to not be a brat, but to put their serious hat on and take the negotiation part of this very seriously, and then be willing to stick to it and be willing to come talk to you if the they don't wanna stick to it anymore. If it's if it's, you know, making it harder for them to be their authentic self, then
you go back and you renegotiate it. But if you know that there's the be respectful rule and you know how they're going to find ways to break it, you try to preempt that in the discussion. Here's how I define be respectful. And then you add the clause every good contract has of, and anything else that I might figure out later. Right? Because your brat is going to go, oh, well, you gave me this list of 10 things, but here's an 11th thing you didn't think
of. And then you'll go back after the fact and deal with it in whatever way you're planning on dealing. Update. Right. Update the, yeah. But that's the thing I would tell anybody, top, dom, whatever, who's dealing with the brat is, I hope you have a good sense of humor. Mhmm. And you've to me, you're gonna have to be flexible because depending on your brat, they're gonna follow the letter of the law and not one inch more than that.
Or they're going to see the rules and knock them over like a cat on a counter. Do what they want anyway. But if you This doesn't belong here. Right. If you can get into a serious enough discussion with one another about what it is your brat wants, do they want you to take them in hand and be like, hey. You fucked up and broke a rule. Here's the outcome of that. Or do they wanna see what they can get away
with? You know, my experience tends to be, I think I'm funny and smart, and I don't actually want a consequence. You know? I just I want to show how smart and funny I am. I stay on the inside of the rules though because I don't I don't wanna break a rule. You know, beyond that, it's really about getting creative within the known limits and boundaries that each of you have. And that is a thing regardless of your dynamic and your relationship style and whether we're talking brats or not.
That's a thing that evolves over time, the more experience you get with each other. Because there will be things that you can imagine happening or you've gotten glimpses of it already, and then there will be things that come up that you could never have imagined and never planned for, and you have to react in the moment. And reacting in the moment needs to be based on whatever you negotiated, but also, you know, making sure that you do not unintentionally abuse your power when you are in that
dom role. So that means if they are maliciously compliant and in a way that you've never discussed before and, you know, there's you can always set the okay. There's the spirit of the rule. You've broken that. Here's the consequence for that. But if they do a thing that you didn't foresee and what it does is it pisses you off, there should not be
consequences in anger. You have to make sure you're calm so that you are being fair and you're making sure that you are paying attention to boundaries and all that good stuff. And sometimes it means you let a thing slide because they got you good that time. Maybe it's a funishment. Maybe it's when y'all do play and and in whatever style you have, you know, sadist or, you know, just kind of devious or whatever that you kinda, you know There's been a few times this one over here had been
like, okay. You got me. You you deserve that one. Right. You deserve that one. But that doesn't mean he ways of reminding me who's in charge. I might technically have gotten away with a thing because I found the loophole and it was a legit loophole. That doesn't mean that for us, because impacts are a thing, the next spanking isn't gonna hurt like a bitch. Okay? He's gonna go, oh, you thought you were so smart? I'm a play a little hard,
again, within my limits and boundaries. And I'm gonna know that I'm having this experience because I acted that way. So it's not like the definition of a consequence or punishment in the way we have negotiated in our power exchange. But I might have a little bit of regret because, you know, he he pushed up against my own limits in a way that he knows
he can. And you're gonna find what that looks like for y'all based on how you play, based on what you consider a funishment or an actual consequence, and based on what y'all will accept from one another. And that will vary over time as you get closer and do more and learn more, but also it can vary from moment to moment based on mood. You know, there are times when I I will never say I brat.
I do not feel like I am a brat, but he will take my behavior as I am behaving like a brat, and he will respond in a way. Right? Be kind. Right. And if, you know, as you're saying your question, y'all are both on the sassy, bratty switch spectrum. Sometimes your brat might be riding your dom side there, and you can be kind of bratty in your funishment and consequences. Again, as long as you both consent to that. Right.
But there are times when I come across as a brat, not because I'm being playful and silly and can I get one over on him, which I'm not ever actively thinking? Sometimes I'm doing it because I'm pissed, I'm angry, or I haven't been getting attention in the way I want, and my brain went, well, here's a way. My brain's not always very intelligent by wrinkling.
So there's also need it goes back to what I said at the beginning, needing to understand the motivations, especially if there's different sides to their brat self where there's the fun side where they're having a good time, and they're tweaking your nose a little bit, and they're keeping you on your toes. And then there's a side where they had a bad day, and what they are probably seeking is for you to, like, go hard on them for something. You know?
That's all personality and Yeah. Based, and everybody's gonna be different. Not everybody will will be that way, but that's part of what you learn over time. And if you can have the conversation ahead of time and ask those questions or, you know, see how much they can decipher of their own brattiness and and help you understand why and how they brat, then you can kind of make those decisions ahead of time. But, yeah, the whole thing with having a brat is they're keeping your you on your
toes. I mean, if you yourself are a brat, what are your motivations and how how do you approach it? You know, they might be completely opposite from you. They might be right on the same page as you, and and you can then tap into what you know about yourself as a brat to help you. And and right. And and, you know, I I have been called this several times, numerous times, that I am a bratty daddy. You are? God, you're such a brat. And, you know, you embrace it. Yeah. It it it it takes
one to know one, so to speak. Right. Because there are times where I come across as sassy, not trying to brat. He's like, there you go bratting. And his response is to do exactly what a brat does of find the loophole, malicious compliance, but from the top side. Mhmm. In his case, often from the sadist side. Like, you didn't say I couldn't hit you with that particular thing that hurts that certain way or Mhmm. You know? So yes.
If if it feels right and it works within your mutual limits and boundaries and hard limits especially, tap into your albighty side. Yeah. I mean, you know, we been doing that. I have fun with it. Mhmm. You know? And and that's yeah. I'm I yeah. I embrace it and have fun with it. And I have found that the more fun he's having in his brat mode, the more I'm regretting any choices I made previously. Funny how that works. So he wins either
way. And you know what? I win too because he's paying attention to me. So, yeah, to the to the stuff that you know is gonna happen because you've seen it happen, try to talk about that in detail of this is what I consider a rule. Right? That when this is what it looks like to me when you have broken it, and this is what I would like the consequence to be. Now they obviously have to consent to whatever you're saying and have their own consequence
to be. Now they obviously have to consent to whatever you're saying and have their own ideas, and you do the back and forth. But just know you cannot predict everything, and you'll have to figure it out in real time. Sometimes in real time means you don't actually address it in the moment. You have to address it later. We renegotiate and go, hey. Hey. We got a new definition to add to our
list. Mhmm. And sometimes depending on the mood and the vibe, you can address it in the moment in a playful way yourself so that you get your point across, and they get whatever it was they were seeking while bratting that way. Mhmm. And that truly is the thing I would start with. What what are their motivations? What do they want from you? And they're gonna have to be willing, if they're not already, to be introspective and to be honest with you and honest
with themselves. You know? Mhmm. I don't ever know until after I've done it that what I wanted was his damn attention. Right? Like, I feel like I haven't gotten his sadist side. I feel like I haven't gotten, you know, manhandled a little bit. There's something I feel like I'm not getting, and I'll blurt out this thing that I I know when I think about it. Oh, there's gonna be a consequence. And I might not know until after the
fact. So this is just an ongoing sort of conversation, that you'll end up having, and you'll you'll find your vibe between the 2 of you based on moods, based on past experience, based on what works and what doesn't work. And sometimes it's not gonna work. And then there'll be, like, some level of time out or, hey. We gotta talk about this again and and deal with the fact that, oh, that didn't work the way y'all thought it would. Mhmm. And that's okay. That's a whole part of the process.
Yep. So yeah. We are I never feel comfortable speaking on behalf of brats because I don't consider myself 1, but I am a sassy girl. Yes. Indeed. So if you need, like, a resource or a place, you know, person to go listen to who's talking about bratting, who has a brat side, all that, the Pink King podcast is a great place. Princess Rara Yep. Also offers classes. I know she has at least one, maybe more, on bratting. Ethical brat ethical bratting, I believe. Yeah. So, pinkkinkpodcast.com
is the website. Like, check her out if you, you know, are like, oh, I'll take a class. Maybe we can do this together, whatever. Because I think you might get more on the, okay, how do we actively actually walk this line of bratting and dealing with the brat in a way that everybody gets what they need from it. Yeah. So that would be my recommendation also. Mhmm. Thanks for listening to this week's q and
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nice kinksters, you can do that. Just join us at patreon.com/ Kayla Lords. That's patreon.com/Kayla Lords, or use the link in the show notes.