- You are listening to loving BDSM podcast. Kayla Lord's here with the one, the only, the There's no way in hell you're fully caffeinated, John Brownstone. No, we had way too late of a night. Yeah. We are too old for this shit. - Yeah, we - Are. And if I'm too old at my age and you're 18 years older, you are way too old for this shit. - Damn straight. I know. - Your poor eyes, your bags have bags. Yeah. Yeah. Same. Looks like our bags are going on vacation.
. They're moving. That's what it is. So many bags. . That is not what we're here to talk about. Nope. But we will in another recording later complain about it. Don't worry. . - . - What we're doing this week is answering a question from a kister who wants to know how to deal with family and friends who don't like the fact that they're kinky. Uh, that's something we, we have a little experience with. Mm-Hmm. - . Mm-Hmm. - . Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast.
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Okay. So the question is, how do you handle family members and or friends who disagree with your kink lifestyle slash posts that you make online and decide to block or cut off contact because of it? To me, it feels hurtful that some people cannot be open-minded to others' preferences and likes. Even if it doesn't align with them personally, I feel as if I shouldn't have to water myself or my content down to please them.
- Ah, good. - You shouldn't, you should not water yourself down to please other people who don't have to pay your bills, uh, and true, quite frankly, if you're not dependent on them for survival, you don't have to water yourself down. No. - However, - People get to remove themselves from your life, even if it's unfair. Yeah. Um, or based on false beliefs or, you know, done cruelly like Mm-Hmm. that part is wrong and it sucks, but they get to do that.
- Yeah. I mean, unfortunately, that's their preference. Prerogative. Prerogative. Thank you. Mm-Hmm. . Thank you. You know, it'd be nice to say, and, and you know, I, I agree with you that Yeah. It, it is hurtful and it's, and it's sad that people have to be so judgmental about things, but unfortunately that's gonna happen. Mm-Hmm. , um, you know, whether you'd like it or not.
Yeah. Not, not everybody is, is gonna be okay on, you know, there's - A reason most kinky people are very under the radar, very private. Yeah. Do not tell their friends or family that they're kinky. Um, that doesn't mean just 'cause other kinky people do it. That that's the choice you have to make if your choice is to be open, open and honest. I think that's wonderful. Mm-Hmm. , uh, I'm, I was forced to be open and honest with my family.
Yeah. JB was forced to be open and honest and not really open. More of a, oh, we found this thing out about you went, went looking where was wasn't really any of our business. We weren't invited in and then judged you for it. We both have had that experience separately to the extent that I literally have not been to my mother's house in Mississippi since 2019. Now I've seen my mother. It wasn't my mom who had a problem.
It was the evil stepdad who threatened us if we didn't immediately get off his property. Yeah. Like South Mississippi gun toting folks threatened us. Mm-Hmm. . So we haven't been back . Um, and I'm, I'm of two minds because of what we've gone through and because of my own personal feelings about privacy, and I don't want to deal with judgmental opinions, even though we live on the internet. So we get judgmental opinions all the time.
I tend to be a little bit more private and or if you're gonna know about my kink life, it's because I've met you through kink. That's a personal preference. Mm-Hmm. . Other people want to talk to their friends and family about it. They want to be open. But what you may, as it sounds like you have quickly figure out, is that some people are judgmental, some people don't wanna learn that it's not all the things that they think they know about it goes against their beliefs.
I mean, all these reasons don't like it. Think you're a danger to children. Now, do we know that all of those beliefs are inaccurate and are based on, you know, misconceptions and false information and understanding? Absolutely. Yes. Sometimes we are not the best person to teach that family member or friend. Sometimes we are if they're open to it and wanna learn. Mm-Hmm. . We can, you can have that conversation.
They can grow. They can, like my mom is, I don't really wanna think about it too hard. And I would never, but are you happy? Are my grandchildren happy and safe? I don't care. That's her philosophy. Evil stepfather thinks, I mean, he doesn't even believe in heaven and hell. But basically we're going to hell. We're miscreants. We're deviants, we're harming our children. Mm-Hmm. the worst things he can think about us. Right. He's not open to hearing from us that that is incorrect and inaccurate.
Right. So sometimes they're not, they're not in a space to learn from you. And you have to decide if it is worth trying to salvage the relationship. And sometimes they're not gonna let you salvage it. They're gonna walk away. They're gonna cut you off. And that hurts. And that is gonna cause depending on the closeness of the relationship, a level of grief within you that needs to be honored.
And you need to let yourself feel it and get help from your kink community, your therapist, whoever, whatever support you have, lean on them. But you cannot control them. You cannot at that point change, necessarily change their mind. They have to be open. Mm-Hmm. to changing their mind, reconnecting, learning and growing, deciding that they just don't want to think about it. Even though they know it about you, they don't want to talk about it. That is also their right.
You might have friends and family members who are like, okay, you've told me this thing about you. I don't, I don't understand it. I don't like it and I don't wanna talk about it. I can be in your life and we can do other things together that do not revolve around this part of your life, but leave, leave me out of this.
They also get to have that, uh, opinion and they get to consent about how much of your kink life they need to know about you then have to make the decision, is this relationship worth it to me? And is not talking about my kink side with this person. Okay. For me, healthy enough for me. Like sometimes it's gonna be toxic. They're gonna want you to, to deny everything that you are just to keep them comfortable.
That's, that's not necessarily a relationship worth keeping, except that's up to you whether it is or not. Right. On the other hand, sometimes it's like, oh, well I don't go around telling my coworkers about my kink so I can keep conversations with fr friends and family. You know, on the non kink side of things. It's, it's not difficult for me to do and I'm willing to do that. So it's, it's about what both sides of this are comfortable with.
And the, the shitty thing is, is people are gonna make these decisions about whether to keep you in their life based on false beliefs, but you will not necessarily be the one to convince them otherwise. And that's not necessarily your job. That's for them to go have their life experiences and maybe, maybe have their eyes opened one day. Your job is to go live your life in a way that is authentic to you and allows you to sleep at night. And Lola agrees. Yes. So what do you do?
You live your life as authentically as possible, and you grieve the loss of connections with people that you thought would be less judgmental. Mm-Hmm. that you hoped would embrace all of you. You seek out found family and new friends that do accept who you are. A lot of that will likely come from the kink community, whether that's online or in person.
Lola still agrees. Yep. Um, there may come a time when family members and friends who misjudged and were judgmental , um, and cut you off, come back and say, oh, I've learned new things. I've changed my mind. That's possible. But I would not hold my breath waiting on it. I would go live my best life without them and grieve the loss of them. And then if by some chance they come back into your life, the person you are at that moment can decide, is this worth rekindling?
Is this worth going down this path again? Um, but there's a very good reason that most people, um, keep it to themselves. They use false names on the internet. They don't let the, the streams of their vanilla and their kink life cross online or in person. Um, because it's, it's a very real possibility. People lose jobs, people lose custody of their children. Right. People get divorced over it. Now that mm-Hmm.
is the divorces as, as much as that hurts to go through a divorce with a person you loved, and they have now, you know, made a judgment about you based on your kink. It, I think it helps you in the long run to not be tied to a person anymore who does not embrace the fact that you're kinky and or just isn't kinky. 'cause you're incompatible. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt any less .
Right. You know, um, but it's, you handle it by letting them live their life, grieving their loss, and then Mm-Hmm. , go live your best life. - Yeah. I, you know, a couple things when it comes to telling someone, especially family, you know, you, you have to look at it just like any other practice in kink and assess the risk. Mm-Hmm. , you know, you, you have to sit down and, and assess the risk of what could happen when you, you know, tell them Mm-Hmm.
not everybody's gonna be open to it, unfortunately. So, you know, and, and the other thing, like with me at this point, um, my blood family, I have pretty much cut off contact - For reasons not necessarily about King - About King, but I mean, yeah. And, and my family is now Kayla and, and my king community. Mm-Hmm. . - Mm-Hmm. . Yeah. Uh, after meeting your family, and then your former, like previously married family, you helped raise stepchildren. Mm-Hmm. the first time.
Now he is doing it again. Um, he's really good at it actually. Um, after having come across those folks, I basically offered up my family. When you, you can have my family . Uh, we're not perfect. We got our issues, but we're not that . Um, and then the evil stepfather Mm-Hmm. threatened us with violence to get us off his property. Right. Without telling my mother, she had no idea that that was the conversation.
Um, and you know what it was, because he got too damn nosy I'd kept, they understood, like I worked, um, in these, in the adult industry, not making, they even understood I made content, but they thought, oh, you just review vibrators and that's what you do. And he got nosy. I kept a lot of that from them. 'cause I was like, look, once you know, you can't unknow right? And if this stuff makes you uncomfortable, I'm gonna keep this distance for you and for me, quite frankly.
And he got nosy and he went digging, and now he can't unsee it and he can't unknow it. Um, and there's a bit of a rift, and I still have a relationship with my mother. She comes to visit, but it's strained when , I'm her only child and I'm literally not allowed on his property, even though it's her property too. Um, that, that does cause a strain. Um, the other thing, you know, you talked about, you need to, uh, assess the risk. You do need to, to, what's the word I want?
You need to respect consent. Mm-Hmm. . If you have a family member who incorrectly and in the most judgmental way, doesn't want anything to do with you because you're kinky, you get to know in your heart that they're wrong. That there's nothing fundamentally wrong with you. Mm-Hmm. that you are not a different person than they knew before. But you, they get to decide who's in their life and who isn't. Even if it's for wrongheaded, uh, uninformed reasons. Right.
So let, to the extent that you can let them go, they might come back. They might not. Um, but, and gre, and I'm gonna say it again because I think this is the part people want to avoid because we all want to avoid non-consensual not good pain. Yeah. , um, grieve, grieve the loss. It's, it's their loss, but it's still your loss. Like I Mm-Hmm. , it's easy to go. That's their loss. They have one less fabulous person in their life. Yes. But you have the loss of a relationship.
Now, my experience has been that the most judgmental people that I have come across about kink were very judgmental in other ways. And once I could step back and kind of take a look through slightly clearer eyes about who that person was, I wasn't really surprised. Sometimes people will shock you, like they play real nice and they, and as long as the conversation topics are mundane, you can, you don't really know. But sometimes the bigger the reaction, the more judgmental the reaction.
It's not quite from left field. Yeah. It's painful. And it's not really a shock. So, you know, I think the more levelheaded of folks who are just disturbed, because they only know stereotypes are people who could come around. Mm-Hmm. . But they get to decide that not you. So all you can do is keep doing what feels right for you, what makes you happy, what you feel is safe enough. 'cause as we've said many times, there's some such thing as safe in kink.
Mm-Hmm. . There's just being aware of the risk and making a, a judgment call. Um, and surround yourself with people who, who appreciate you for you. Um, and maybe make sure more of those people are kink aware and or kinky, you know? Mm-Hmm. . But it's tough and it sucks. Yeah. It absolutely sucks. Yeah, it does. Um, and it changes you. I mean, I, I already had trust issues, but I'm almost like, I'm almost a ghost when I'm out in the vanilla world.
'cause I, I'm much more comfortable being Kayla Lord's kinky woman than I am being insert legal name, just person on the planet. Um, and no, if I don't already know you're kinky, you, you will not be given that information about me. Right. Um, from me willingly. Um, there are times like the, we have an 18-year-old, he's now a legal adult. He does not know a single detail about our life or our relationship, but he knows it's not a vanilla flavor.
Right? Mm-Hmm. , that's as much as he needs to know. But he li you know, he lived in this house, he lived with me his whole life. Um, kids aren't completely, you know, oblivious, especially as they get older. But we also have the, the added bonus of we work in this, you know, part of, part of life. So it is all encompassing for us.
So there's certain things that once they get older and you're not worried about, you know, harming them or, you know, being inappropriate because they're just too young, they're, they might see or hear or whatever. Um, but even that's the extent of it. He doesn't have a, he doesn't get to have a single detail. And, but everybody else, if I don't know, you're kinky. You don't get to know this part of me. Right. Because I, I just won't put myself out there like that again.
No. I didn't even put myself out there like it the first time. No. It got found out. Somebody started digging, didn't ask questions, made assumptions happened to you. Two Yep. Years apart happened to him through fucking Facebook. Oh God. The bane of our existence. . Um, and then, you know, gossip spread and people started becoming the victim in their own perceived narrative of how they even connected to any of this. And, uh, it was, it was distasteful. Yeah.
But all you can do is sort of move on. Mm-Hmm. and keep living your life in the way that feels authentic to you. Yep. Absolutely. So could I keep going on about this? Of course. We're gonna leave it there. Yep. Mm-Hmm. , um, for anybody going through this, um, just know you can get through this. The only way over under, Nope. Gotta go through it. Mm-Hmm. . Um, and you can come out the other side and not be as miserable as you might be right now.
That's true. Mm-Hmm. , thanks for listening to this week's q and a episode. If you want us to answer one of your questions, just use the contact page on our website@lovingbdsm.net, or you can find the link in the show notes. Big thanks as always, to our kinky community over on Patreon, we're able to do this podcast and keep it going and help Sters due to your support.
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