You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast. Kayla Lords here with the one, the only, the are you as sweaty as I am? John Brownstone. And tired. Yeah. Definitely sweaty. Yep. Yeah. I'm sure that is intriguing. And anybody who is new here is like, tell me more. This is what this is what I'm here for. Yep. No. That's not actually what we're talking about. We're just we're Floridians, so we we have to complain about the heat. It's what we do at this time of the
year. We're Floridian. Floor Floridian. Nope. Nope. Nope. Okay. Never mind. This week, a new submissive ended a relationship with a potential dom before they could actually get to experience power exchange. And now they wonder what they're supposed to do as a newly single, but still very inexperienced. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If you're new here, we help kinksters like you have happy, healthy power exchange relationships. At the podcast, your favorite podcast app so
you never miss an episode. And if you'd like us to answer a question that you have, you can do that. Just use our contact page. It's literally labeled ask your questions, to send that to us. You can find that on our website at lovingBDSM.net. That's lovingBDSM.net or down in the show notes. Okay, now let's get into the question. I met a Dom by accident on Tinder. He suggested I look into BDSM, DS Dynamics, all of it before we went any further. We went out while I was researching, so
the connection for me grew. We went out for about two months before he ended things and we didn't get to any of the BDSM stuff. We had sex maybe three times and choking was the only non vanilla thing we did. Anyway, I'm now here. Things have just ended. I never got to experience a true DS dynamic or romantic relationship of any kind.
I feel the BDSM lifestyle would be good for me, enabling me to give up control, not worrying about everything all the damn time, and just an overall relief of decisions, duties, etc. I know there's more to BDSM and a DS lifestyle than that. I just haven't gotten into it all. We went through the menu of items but never talked about a contract or what we would could potentially add. I was introduced to the Obedience app.
Should I continue and try to find a dom that would want a 99% newbie sub or maybe a mentor of sorts? Do I just keep with vanilla and not worry about doing anything specifically BDSM anymore? Do I go solo and train to be a sub on my own while trying to find the right Dom for me? I just don't know where to go from here. Lot of options. You can do any and all. There's no right answer. Exactly. You know, you you have, an ability at the moment with with the with the, way life has presented it to
you. You. You you could go and and just go to workshops and and, you know, learn what what you want to learn, learn what you're interested in. The very first thing that came mind reading this question, you know, if you have the availability of of any BDSM clubs that you can go to, you know, you can go to a club and most clubs do have the ability to negotiate for pickup play, you
know. And if if masochism is something that you're you're, you know, would would like, that's a good way to try different things, and and not be tied down in a sense, but get your feet wet and and see what you like. Knowing what you like and what you want out of Diaz is going to go a long way to finding yourself a dom when you're ready. Mhmm. Agreed. I what are words? I agree completely. That is what I'm trying to say.
A few things come to mind. So first of all, in order to make this decision for yourself, one question I have is how much of of your inner self is thinking about the power exchange and the kink that you want? Is it a thing where you're kind of ambivalent? Well, then do what feels kind of like to do whatever. It doesn't matter. But if you are feeling a pull towards submission and a potential, you know, power exchange in the future, then you don't have to give up on
it. You don't have to actively go look for another dom either. Now you can, you know, keep, you know, try you could try kinky dating apps. Field is one that's very open to kink. Mhmm. Laura, I think, is another. Maybe so. You can do that. You can do specifically kink stuff to meet specifically kink people, or you can just kind of put some stuff in your profile of the non kink apps that you might be on.
Feel free. The thing though that I recommend for anybody anybody kinky, but especially an inexperienced submissive, I want you to worry less at this point in finding a dominant partner and focus on finding a kinky community. You might find your next, you know, kinky BFF. You might find a partner, but what you will absolutely do is have people around you who can maybe you can bounce ideas off of. Maybe you can just learn from them. Maybe you just have support
Right. When you're looking for play or a a romantic partner. So it is good to have people validate you in in the things that you like, you know, to be with BDSM being, you know, kind of on the fringe of things when you have, you know, a a group of friends that validate the things that you like, that that can go a long way too. And if you have you find the right kind of friends and have and and develop that relationship, you will also hopefully have friends who will tell you, you are
ignoring red flags, my friend. You are in the middle of sub frenzy and something unsafe could happen. But it it's not just about finding, like, your your kink BFF. It's it's about learning more about yourself as a kinkster, more about BDSM in general, potentially more about power exchange without the pressure of a relationship that you, you know, quote need to have it work out or not. Right? Community and the opportunity for education and just
seeing how other people do things Mhmm. In my opinion, is gonna make you much better prepared for any potential dominance you might meet in the future wherever you meet them on an app, online,
in person. Now if you live in an area that's either a major metropolitan area or in a region that has is close to a major metro area, you will absolutely have access more than you realize to munches workshops dungeons stuff like that if you live in a more rural area you'll have to think more regionally to see what's out there you might also just be surprised at what's out there even in a small area, but the online kink community is is just as legitimate. It's
different. Right? It's different than in person, but that's always an option to just go be out where other kinky people are and see what kind of conversations you get into. And And a and a shameless plug, you know, we we have a wonderful Discord server that is has a lot of wonderful people in there and is a is a amazing community in and of itself. And that is available through our Patreon, if you are so inclined. But, you know, I can't tell you. We can't tell you, should you go seek a
a Dom? Should you just keep it vanilla? What is it that you ultimately want? Not what do you think is feasible or possible? And I say that because it is very easy to believe especially after a failed attempt with a kink partner that that was it. That was your one shot. Nobody else is out there and or it will always go like it did this time. That is not necessarily true. But especially as a as of while you're single, do what JB said at the top. Focus
on learning what you can learn. You're going to be better suited to negotiations bottom and not just as a submissive. I know I like this. I know I'm curious about that. You're gonna have a sense of how you wanna be treated by watching how other doms treat their subs, by interacting with people who you're not trying to be a partner with, but maybe you respect them. Maybe you find the people you don't respect and you're like, I see this kind of behavior. I've I've
witnessed it. I've watched other people go through it. I know what I'm not going to accept now. Mhmm. But, ultimately, that's your decision. What kind of pull and draw do you feel towards it? Does it feel currently too difficult to think about being a single submissive? That's valid too. Sometimes you just need a break from it. Sometimes you need to be like, okay. I'm not even gonna worry about kink right now. I'm just gonna go, like, get the rest of my
life sorted for a hot minute. And if it comes back up, it comes back up. That that's always an option as well. In response to, can I even find a Dom who wants a mostly new submissive? Absa fucking literally. Dominants, like any other group, are not a monolith. Dominance out there who only wanna play with an experienced person, who, you know, they don't wanna go through that process. Mhmm. There are some doms who genuinely like, you know, being with newer submissives.
Caveat, be careful with this, the type of dominant who only ever wants to be around people who don't know what they're doing because, yes, plenty of those people are legitimate, but that is where predators will also be lurking because they're banking on inexperience to get what they want. So keep that in mind. That's not to say that every dom who, you know, wants a new you know, an inexperienced sub is is a bad one. No. No. No. I mean, I have come across
some people who are like, yeah. Then the the theory being if you are new to submission, then I can teach you what I like. Mhmm. And we don't have to unlearn some habits that are not beneficial to the relationship. But I'm just saying just be careful. Right. Just be careful. Yep. But, ultimately, what is it that deep down in your soul, your gut, your psyche, pick your spots? What is it you want? And then you it's legitimate no matter what it is. Mhmm.
But, if your fear is you'll never find somebody else again, um-mm. No. I don't. It's the the more typical luck is you'll find somebody and they will live several time zones away from you across an ocean, across a country, across a continent. But, you know,
you don't know what's out there. So if you're gonna stick with the kink side of things, focus on yourself and learning what you can about what submission means to you so that you have a level of, maybe not, lived experience, but, like, witnessing things and workshop learning. And you have a level maybe of more confidence. You have a level of confidence when you do come across that person who might make a good dominant partner. Our basic philosophy is go find friends first. Yeah. If
they become a partner later, great. But that's never the goal. You because ultimately, I think if you're looking for a long term relationship as a as a kinkster, you wanna like them as a friend. So when you go out of the kink community and you just focus on what you can learn as being a submissive in the community you can find. You find friends and maybe something happens and maybe something doesn't, but ultimately, I think you're
a better kinkster for it. And I I just wanna touch on something real quick just to, one of the things that was mentioned in this, you know, was, maybe a mentor. I know there, you know, there is the camp that does not like mentors at all, and the other, you know, the other side that says, yeah, having a mentor is a good thing. And I'm I'm kind of of the mentors can be good camp, but what, you know, what I what I would say as a submissive, if you really want a mentor,
find a submissive mentor. Mhmm. Okay. You know, a a a dominant mentor, not the worst thing in the world, but they are going to basically teach you what they know. And what they like. And what they like. Not to say that's not gonna happen also with a with a submissive to a certain extent, but as a submissive submissive yourself, it will help you figure out who you are as a submissive, what you, you know, it's it is wonderful having that support system.
Right. Now I am of the camp that if that's what you want and some you know, and that works for you, great. I'm of the camp you don't fucking need a mentor. You don't. You need a community. You need access to resources that can be trusted. That's what you need. If a mentor fits into that and the the vibe is right and you vet them,
just like you would vet a partner. You ask some questions and you pay attention to patterns of behavior and do their words and their actions align, all of that for sure. She's been given corner time for that one now. You came in here like a very grumpy daddy. Anyhoo. So do you need one? No. If you've come across somebody or if that feels important to you, great. But make sure they are who they say they are and, you know, see if you can contact
people they worked with in the past. Like, just just make sure they're legit because sometimes they're not. But, again, that all comes down to what what feels right to you in the moment. And then remember, you might follow that path of this is what I think I need and discover it doesn't. It's not quite right. You get to change your mind at any point. Okay? You get to completely withdraw from the Kin Community at any point. You get to stop using the vanilla apps at any
point. You get to go down the path of seeking a mentor and go, nah, maybe not at any point. Right. Okay. You are not trapped in a single, path or lane or choice Right. When it comes to that. This is your journey, and the road isn't going to diverge however you see fit that it does for you. Exactly. Exactly. Mhmm. Yeah. Yeah. Thanks for listening to this week's q and
a episode. If you want us to answer one of your questions, just use the contact page on our website at lovingBDSM.net, or you can find the link in the show notes. Big thanks as always to our kinky community over on Patreon. We're able to do this podcast and keep it going and help kinksters due to your support. If you'd like to be part of our community and get access to extra content and a Discord server with a group of super cool, super
nice kinksters, you can do that. Just join us at patreon.com/kaylalords. That's patreon.com/kaylalords, or use the link in the show notes.