You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast. Kayla Lords here with the one, the only, the, oh my gosh, we are back to doing these short episodes. Do we remember how? John Brownstone? No. I don't. Me neither. And we gave ourselves a time crunch because as of recording, we're supposed to be streaming in thirty minutes. So this has to be an actual short episode. You have. We have to get to the point of which I'm doing an awful job of doing.
It's all on you, kid. It is. We're back, with our q and a episodes after our summer hiatus. And this time, we've got a question from somebody who's like, I think I want things I didn't want before. And they're having feelings. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If you're new here, we help kinksters like you have happy, healthy, power exchange relationships. Have the podcast your favorite podcast app so you never miss
an episode. And if you have a question and we need your questions, please, please, please, we have a link in the show notes literally called Ask Your Questions, or if you go to our website, lovingbdsm.net, that's lovingbdsm.net, you can find the link there. Please send us your questions. Okay. Into the question. I'm a poly woman with two long term
partners at the moment. My boyfriend of six years and I have a more or less vanilla relationship with a dash of primal play, and lately I've been thinking about upgrading into a more kinky dynamic. I mostly identify as dominant and I have topped my boyfriend a couple of times with Rope and Impact in the early years. To me, that didn't match with the type of connection we have, so we decided not to pursue kink together.
Although submission feels completely unlike me, I feel more and more desire for a dynamic with him as a caregiver who makes the decisions for me. Our sex life is amazing, and there are quite a few behaviors that would be sexy to me if they were part of a dynamic. For example, sometimes when I'm at his place, I ask him to pick my panties. That could be a daily thing even when we're apart. I also like to crawl into his lap and snuggle. Snuggling like that turns us
both on. On the other hand, he is very primal, and I love it when he grabs and holds me or bites me during sex. I can't wrap my head around how these things go together. What do I do? It feels like such a bold idea to spring on him. Is it even necessary to create a dynamic considering I'm very happy with our current sex life? Should I just leave it as it is?
Wrapping my head around possibly, air quote, submitting is a whole other issue, but perhaps it just takes time to change my own belief that it doesn't suit me at all. Sounds like somebody needs to sit down, have a cup of coffee, and a conversation. Yeah. The the most basic and Yeah. First answer is everything you have just said here, please say to your partner. Right. They need to know these things. Mhmm. So that's that's
the obvious. Let's dive into some of the thoughts you're having and some of the hesitation that you have. There's nothing that says that outside of your sexual dynamic, you can't, assuming your partner is willing, crawl into his lap and snuggle or do some things he tells you to do. There there's there's no rule that says if you do this kind of sexual play or this kind of dynamic, you can't do these other things as well. It does, I think, take getting your mind
wrapped around it, though. Because I I haven't seen the rule book yet. No. And I would not believe the rule book. Mhmm. I'll throw that out. So I also think it's possible that because you have a very set idea, y'all both have a very set way of experiencing your relationship, it may even be hard for you to imagine that he might want something else. You know? These could be things that were on his have been on his mind, maybe not in the exact same way, but of trying different things.
And, you know, having the conversation is what allows you to have that back and forth and to, you know, see what he wants, see what he's willing to do. It could be that he's got some ideas you haven't even thought of and you're like, hey. Wait. That sounds kinda good. So yeah. Meeting of the minds. Absolutely. Mhmm. The whether you should pursue this, you know, because you're happy with your sex life, I think there's a false dichotomy there.
Having other desires does not mean that you are somehow unhappy with your current sex life. It's not again, it's not a this or that. It's an and. It's a I like this and I like that. And and you know it's one of those things too with with kink. Well, if you try it and see if you like it, sometimes try it twice, you know, to see if you like it and make a decision based on that. You you know, sometimes you can't make a a educated decision
unless you try something. Right. And sometimes you try it and immediately know that know that you don't like that and that's good information to have. Uh-huh. It doesn't mean you failed. It doesn't mean that your desires are somehow wrong or you got it wrong. It could be, if you find that out after you try something, that you're chasing a feeling and you thought that feeling was tied up in that activity. And there are other ways to achieve
the feeling. I'm I feel like I understand a little bit of the dynamics you're talking about because to a certain extent, we have very similar dynamics. JB is a daddy dom. He's very much into, here, come come snuggle with me. Yes. I will tell you what to do. I will take care of you in that caregiver way. But then also, he absolutely has the ability to pin me down Mhmm. And get primal. They don't usually happen at the same time or within a a
singular scene. It's different parts of our day and different parts of our mood and what's going on in our life. Says, so distant daddy. The two can go hand in hand. We all contain multitudes, and our kink gets to contain multitudes. So there's no should. Should you leave it alone? Should you, you know, feel bad that somehow, like, you're implying that what you do is not somehow enough? Air quote that enough. Right? It's very subjective. No. You are comfortable with
this person. You are, you know, from whatever avenue, whether it's, you know, stuff you're watching, communities you're a part of, you know, things you're reading, whatever whatever. You are open to these different ways to experience kink and it's on your mind. So, you know, it makes sense that you could go, Yeah, this is really good and I'm glad we do this and, Oh, we tried that thing several years ago and that didn't work. A fun fact: there's nothing wrong with retrying if there's any
interest from both of you. Just because something didn't work a few years ago doesn't mean it can't work now because you've grown in your relationship and your trust and maybe your understanding of kink has broadened. And there are layers to all of it. You know, just because you did something a certain way a few years ago doesn't mean you couldn't explore the concept, but just try different things as well. So yeah. There's no should you or, you know, what does it say about you? No.
Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. It's a matter of coming together with your partner to figure out y'all's Venn diagram, things you want, things your partner wants, where they overlap, and then trying things out. Now the other part is wrapping your head around submission is a a completely other issue. Like, as you said at the top, you, you know, identify more as a dominant. We contain multitudes. Let me say that again.
There are different forms of submission. So to the extent that you can, figure out what that means to you, what you think submission is, and what in that belief about submission does not appeal to you, and what does appeal to you. Because for many people's submission, air quote that, is a lot of kneeling and yes, sir, ma'am, otherwise and, you know, being very modest or very, subservient or very, quiet and demure, I am here to tell you, you can be a goblin and a submissive.
Yep. Chaos goblin attack. Proudly. So it is entirely possible that what you want is somebody who takes care of you without telling you what to do at a very specific parameters. It's also entirely possible that with one partner, you would allow a lot more dominance than you might with any other partner. That is also valid.
But when you start questioning, you know, your identity because you saw yourself in one way and now you're like, wait, I'm having these thoughts and these urges and these desires and it that feels like a conflict. One of many things you can do is figure out what you think that means and then figure out within it what you don't like about it. Because it is very possible you could be like, yeah, I don't wanna be told what to do out of nowhere, or I don't want these kinds of rules
and that I don't like that. You can say no to all of those things that you don't like and still be submissive, if that even works for you. If you're willing to test it out and try it, do that. If you're not willing, if it feels too uncomfortable, fucking don't. No requirement just because a passing desire came to you that you're you have to go test it out and see if you enjoy it. Not at all. Not at all. Some things get to stay fantasy. Mhmm. Some things maybe you do once in a scene to see,
do I even like this? Mhmm. You know, there are so many options. True. Mhmm. Anything you wanna add? No. Let's go back to the top. Talk to your partner. Literally, just send them what you sent to us. Yeah. Bingo. You can you can almost quote word for word what you've written here. Exactly. What do you think about this? Mhmm. And go from there. You know? They it's entirely possible that it might not be a thing they've even considered before, but
they're still like, actually, that's interesting. Mhmm. Actually, I'm down to experiment. You'll never know if you don't talk about that. Exactly. Mhmm. So that is it. Thanks for listening to this week's q and a episode. If you want us to answer one of your questions, just use the contact page on our website at lovingbdsm.net, or you can find the link in the show notes. Big thanks as always to our kinky community over on Patreon. We're able to do this podcast and keep it going and
help kinksters due to your support. If you'd like to be part of our community and get access to extra content and a Discord server with a group of super cool, super nice kinksters, you can do that. Just join us at patreon.com/kaylalords. That's patreon.com/kaylalords, or use the link in the show notes.