You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast. Kayla Lords here with the one, the only, the light of my life. Wow. The, daddy to my whatever. I don't know. Because I started out with good intentions. I wanted to say something, like, deep and meaningful and And then I just I don't I didn't Fell off cliff. I don't know how to do those things. You gotta practice. I'm not built that way. I'm sorry. That's way too much sentimentality
having to be spoken out loud. Can't I just give you a look across a room and you know exactly what it means just like all the romance novels talk about? Okay. Scorpio, but from hell. No. Yeah. If I'm giving you a look across the room, I'm probably like, are you fucking kidding me? Right. Yeah. That's what we're talking about this week. This week, we have a question from Adam who knows it makes their sub happy to call them mommy, but it's a jarring term
for them because they are a mom. It's just they're they're having feelings and they had questions. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If you're new here, we help kinksters like you have happy, healthy power exchange relationships. Add the podcast to your favorite podcast app so you never miss an episode. And if you would like us to answer a question that you have, you can get in touch with us, send us your question, through a link on our website literally labeled,
answer you know, ask your question. Almost forgot what words were. I don't know. Our website is lovingBDSM.net. That's lovingBDSM.net, or you can find the link in the show notes page. Okay. Let's get into the question. Mhmm. I stepped back into the BDSM lifestyle as a dom about two years ago after an eighteen year hiatus. Sexuality and kink have long been passions of
mine. And even when I wasn't living my truth as a dominant, I've always been very passionate about the proverbial never yuck someone else's young mentality, and I have zero tolerance for kink shaming. I've been very fortunate these last two and a half years to find amazing resources such as your podcast. Thank you. Thank you. And I've met some really amazing people including my fantast my current submissive.
We met about six months ago. He has been a fantastic submissive, and it has been great fun witnessing our evolution both individually and together. Our communication foundation is strong and one of the things I am most proud of about our dynamic. Many of our kink needs align, but like most things in life, nothing is perfect. I recall a while back JB mentioning that initially he had challenges with the daddy role and title. My submissive is very interested in adding a
mommy title to our dynamic. With him, my Dom energy is definitely motherly, caring and nurturing and I enjoy calling him my good boy very much. Mommy has slipped out a few times in our play lately and in the moment I let it slide. It's not a hard limit. However, I am actually a mother, so it's jarring to hear it directed at me during our scenes. I know he would absolutely stop saying it if I asked him to, but I know how much pleasure it would give him if
I allowed it. And like many dominants, I'm all about using the things that pleasure my submissive to my full sadistic advantage. So I would love to hear any advice that you can give, especially from you, JB, about how you came to be okay with the daddy title. Well, you know, yeah. I I was not, okay with it at first. You flat out rejected it and laughed your ass off when I asked. And and I guess, you know, it it was because of the daddy title per se. Now I'm I'm curious.
You previous to me had not you had not raised a child who referred to you as daddy. You have raised children Correct. But did they never referred to you as dad, daddy. So okay. So you didn't have that kind of situation. Okay. And and yet even though I didn't raise Mhmm. Kids, I still had that Absolutely. Perception. Absolutely. You were their dad, for sure for sure. Okay. So, you know, to use daddy for me in a different application was weird. Mhmm. Was very weird.
And I think I grew past that because I realized that the two are diametrically different. Mhmm. Okay? Very very diametrically different. It it took a bit for that to sink in. I'm not gonna lie. Mhmm. But it eventually did. So there was no there I know okay. Let me back up. I know the first time I asked you because I was asking if you thought you could be a daddy dom Mhmm. Because I was learning at the time and I was applying my knowledge and he fit the bill. And you and you laughed and went no.
I'm curious though. Mhmm. I'm curious if it was the term itself or it was the idea of what daddy meant, if it was both. It was a little bit of both, but mostly the idea of what daddy meant. In a kink sense? No. Outside the kink sense. So this is what I'm trying to get to. Yeah. Then I'm trying really hard to get there, and I'm not asking the questions very well. So when I was asking you about being a daddy dom, was it less about what it means in kink and more about the association? Okay. Okay.
That's where I'm like, it wasn't that you were like, oh, daddy doms. I don't wanna be that kind of dom. I always thought it was. I took it to mean No. That you didn't like that kink. It it had to do with the literal Mhmm. Gotcha. Use of the word. Okay. Okay? We're now all on the same page after all these years. I've been calling you daddy a very long time. Have at this point. Yeah. So the first time I did call you because I did not immediately just call you that. We talked about the dynamic.
You had your response, and yet I did a thing I I I would not say everybody should do because I had to take it on a little bit of faith that I would not freak you out so much that you would be upset with me. Because first, I asked you about it. Right. And you're like, nope. But then your behavior continued to like, I just kept reading daddy's arm into it. And then in a very intimate naked sweaty moment, I called you daddy and you have this big reaction.
So when you heard it in that context In in the in that moment in at at that time, and I can't even say exactly what it was Mhmm. At this point especially. But something just clicked. Mhmm. It just felt right in that moment. And it felt right in that moment, and and from that point on, I was able to begin grasping that moniker. Okay. So then that's what I'm curious about for this person's question, anybody else who's going through it. Once you heard it and it felt okay,
okay, what was that thought process? What was that energy to go from, oh, this isn't the worst I've ever heard? And his response proved at the moment it was not the worst thing you'd ever heard Yeah. To just accepting, yeah, that's who you are. Like, what was that like? For me at that point, then I kind of started doing my own, research. Mhmm. Okay. And and as I kinda saw what was, you know, involved with all this and what, you know, the the tenants of a daddy dom were, I was like, oh,
yeah. That does kinda Am I looking into a mirror right now? Yeah. Yeah. So that's, you know, kinda where Mhmm. So for you, it feels a little a little less like this particular journey that this person's on because we talked about it. You rejected it. I went out on a big old limb. I could have been very, very wrong.
It was intuitive for me, and speaking to other subs who might wanna try this, I I wouldn't recommend you just throw out a a term, an endearment at a partner without really feeling like you know them and you've got that connection. Like, if there's any doubt, go ahead and wait wait that one out. Because I wanted to say it for ages before I finally went, this just feels right in the moment. And, like, I am y'all, I was getting my brains plowed out. Yeah.
I was hanging off the side of a bed, and I'm still because my brain compartmentalizes. So I was still going, look. If he doesn't like it, you'll just apologize and you'll move on and it'll be okay. Yeah. But I was like, this feels so right, and so I did it. That won't be true for everybody if you don't feel that Right. Don't do it. Absolutely. I would not recommend that. Now in this person's case, the thought that came to me when I was reading their question was, okay. It doesn't sound like
for you, the vibe was off. You were not comfortable with the caregiver vibe at first. And it was less the title is for us was intricately linked, but it was the what does that even mean part. It sounds to me like for this person, it's the vibe is fine. They're kinda happy to be that Yeah. With their partner. It's the Maybe it's the term. The term. Right. And and, you know, that that's something that is has been a a quest in the community for a long time. Mhmm.
Because not everybody does like those titles. Now at the same time, this one here. Okay. Would absolutely freak out if somebody else started calling me. It's the only thing I'm super possessive about. Like It is. You have been a caregiver, Dom, for other partners, and I don't have a problem with that. I just said, look, I'm gonna get you to find a different term. I don't if you had objected, if you had objected and said, I'm this is the right term for me, we would
have had to talk. I would have had to, like we'd have to work it out. Yeah. Thankfully, your partners and you were like, we're gonna let Kayla just be crazy. It'll be fine. Yeah. But yeah. But, you know, and and, you know, we we have a long time, friend and, you know, she calls me papa bear. Mhmm. You know? So you you you may need to try playing with different terms. You know, papa bear, mama bear? Maybe. I I know some people use the term
puppy, peppy. Poppy. Poppy and mommy. Yeah. I'm not gonna try and do an accent consultant. But you y'all know. If you know, you know. Yeah. So, you know, there there's there's different things like that that you can, you know Absolutely. In in preparation for this question, I have I found on Reddit ages ago, somebody a kinkster created, a Google document for as many, honorifics and terms both for doms and subs that they could compile from their own community. It's a massive list. I bet. I bet.
One for Dom's, one for Saps. One, I will link those in the places for anybody who's just curious to see what kinds of terms people use. And two, I went and was like, is there anything that that to me not knowing y'all specifically, but to me, like, jumps out as, oh, this could be an alternative if it vibes. Right? Mhmm. So I wrote some down in our in our little notes here. Ah. A couple did make me couple did make me giggle. So somebody has done dommy. So it's dom with the instead of saying
mommy. The one that that really made me giggle was dommy mommy. I don't know why that tickles me, but it does. And it if it's the just the idea of mommy because you are a mother, then don't, like, twist yourself into knots to try and make that work. The other thing that you mentioned is trying the term for mother or mommy or mom in other languages. Now I did I did a quick search. A lot of them are very similar, maybe just pronounced differently.
Yeah. Then there's also forms of the word mom that maybe your own children never used. You know? Mhmm. To this day, my mother I am 45. My mother is in her sixties. She is still mama because that's that's her name. Okay? That's her name, and I'm southern, and I've never called her anything else. So I could conceivably refer to somebody else if I was in that kind of role in mother. Mommy? No. Because my children call me have still when they're trying to be sweet, will call me mommy.
And they get what they want because it melts my heart. So then there's, I saw caregiver, like, the very formal caregiver. Mhmm. I saw one that was caretaker, and I immediately started singing the Ghostbusters theme song in my head. Miss and Your Name, that is, stereotypically kind of a Southern vibe kind of thing. We do that a lot
or used to. It's older, generations now, where you're like, when you're introducing a child to an adult, it's more common to go miss and then last name, but it's very common in more emotionally intimate vibes, like this person is a family friend or, you know, an elder, miss Mary, miss Susan. Right? And that might be an option. I saw somebody do Maddie combo of mom and daddy. Okay. I was like, okay. Okay. And then, you know, you could even go, like, real, like, high fancy and madam. Mhmm.
That might be too fancy for the vibe you're going for, but it really is all about the vibe and it is about I think about thinking outside of the box. If the term is too closely connected to other parts of your life and and the term itself kinda gets you out of the headspace and gives you feelings that you don't wanna have, but you want to be able to have this connection with your partner, There's nothing wrong with thinking outside the box and going coming up with another term that you both
connect to. So like I said, I'm gonna link to those lists. Those lists have been invaluable to me for a few things. I'm very grateful to that person who who compiled those lists. They're they're massive. I bet. I bet. And I'm I don't know if the person adds to them all the time or not. I I haven't noticed that. But so yeah. For anybody who's like, the terms that seem air quote standard do not fit. Yeah. Feel free to get creative for sure for sure. I I even have heard, people use coach.
Oh, yeah. I've recommended coach, boss, judge. I've seen captain. I know for a fact we've met, a couple that they use captain. Yep. And they've even used other, like, doctor. And they were not doing medical play. That was just a title that worked. Right? What's up, doc? Yeah. I can't You just you just have to get a carrot and then, you know, conduct an, an orchestra and an opera or something. Anyway God, I feel old now. So yeah. I I think the first thing to solve for yourself, is it the vibe
or is it the term? If if you're good with the caregiver vibe, you know, some there's something to the idea of just the more you hear the term associated with you outside of your actual parenting role, maybe you'll get used to it. But I don't think anybody should have to get used to something that they don't want to get used to. Like any almost anything can be normalized. If it feels better to just find another term that resonates with both of you, that is the thing
I would I would say. I we have long talked about do I wish my father was still alive? I mean, mostly. I might send him therapy bills. But, but if my dad was still alive he was daddy. Okay? My whole life, I never called him anything else. It never worked. He didn't like it. I was k? And I've always said, if he had been alive when I met JB and figured out I was kinky and figured out I was a baby girl, I don't know what
if I could have done it. I really don't because in my mind, that connection was a little too close. But I didn't have to worry about that. I have I've made that very do you wanna know how weird it is now? When I talk about my father to anybody who would have known I called him daddy, I cannot say daddy. I'm like, my dad, my father, you know? It because now daddy has the association with you. And it don't feel right. So I don't know what I would have done if he
was still living. Really don't. I'm glad I'm I'm not glad he's gone, but I'm glad I didn't have to decide. Right? Have that wing on you. Right. And I, you know, I can't imagine being a mommy, but I can absolutely understand if another person who I was not the parent of used that term for me. I think it would be jarring for me. I don't think I could make I could disconnect and compartmentalize like that.
You're well you know, you're welcome to just see if you get used to it enough times and then it doesn't matter or mean anything. But I I think, you know, just find another word that means something to the two of you that Right. That feels that gives your sub that same feeling and resonates better with you. You know? The the thing that keeps coming to mind with a lot of what we talk about in in all facets of power exchange is just how customizable
kink is. Yeah. Like, every facet of it, you get to customize and make it work for yourself. So, yes, there are certain titles and labels and terms that we hear most often that are the stereotype, that are the cliche, that feel but are not air quote standard. Right? Because nothing we do in kink is standard. That's kind of like the point. Right?
And I think most people just don't realize that they have alternatives and other options that they can try to see if that feels better than the examples that are most prominent and most public. True. True. And this is just one of those examples. Mhmm. Mhmm. Thanks for listening to this week's q and a episode. If you want us to answer one of your your questions, just use the contact page on our website at lovingbdsm.net, or you can find the link in the show notes. Big thanks as always to our
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