You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast. Kayla Lords here with the one, the only, the guy who looks really cute in his little t shirt that y'all can't see because this is a podcast, John Brownstone. Thank you. You're welcome. It's your Trans Siberian Orchestra shirt. It is. I'm dreaming of cooler weather. Yeah. The tickets for TSO went on presale I know. This week, and I had to just let that email go. I know. I know. I know. That's okay, though. You went.
We'll go again. And you look adorable in your t shirt. Thank you. That's not at all what we're here to talk about. No. No. This week, we're answering a question from a dom slash top who's figured out that they're kinky and they've kind of introduced some kink into their relationship and that's going well, but they're thinking in terms of power exchange and their partner is not. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If you're new here, we hope kinksters like you have
happy, healthy power exchange relationships. Add the podcast to your favorite podcast app so you never miss an episode. And if you'd like us to answer a question that you have in a future one of these, you can use the link, in the show notes, on this podcast app thingy or on our website, which is lovingbdsm.net. That's lovingbdsm.net. And it's the contact page is literally called ask your questions. Like, we're trying to make it, like, easy to find. But, yeah, submit
a question. It'll go to our email inbox, and at some point, it could be an episode. Yay. Okay. Let's get straight into the question. My wife and I have been married for almost 20 years. We have a great relationship and are excellent partners. The only issue had been that up until recently, we were in a sexless marriage. I went down a rabbit hole about sexless marriage, which led me to an even deeper rabbit hole about kink and BDSM. I realized that's what I wanted and thought
it might help. She came back from a trip and I told her I was taking charge in the bedroom and that things were going to change. She happily and willingly agreed and effectively submitted to me. Things have been really great in that department since then. Unfortunately, I foolishly and prematurely blurted out that I want a DS dynamic. She didn't get mad or weirded out but simply said I'm not open to that. I dropped it. I was embarrassed and felt foolish.
I know that no means no and that someone who isn't into kink can't be changed. That being said, we did a sex menu and are almost completely on the same page. She's actually a little kinkier than me. She seems perfectly willing to be submissive in the bedroom and sometimes out of the bedroom. I'm afraid that her idea of submission is the Handmaid's Tale or Trad wife. She's a feminist and I think she finds the concept of submission distasteful.
My question is, as long as she consents, and I would never ask her to do something she wasn't comfortable with, should I continue to gradually add BDSM concepts, role playing, and kink to our lives and revisit the discussion in a year or so? I wanna ask her to do her own research, but I don't want to seem pushy about it right now. Is it okay to just enjoy the dynamic without putting a name to it and hope that she'll open up to the idea? Does that just make me a manipulative asshole?
Wow. Yeah. Wow. It it all, as always, depends. Mhmm. I need a graphic. Depends. Yeah. Yep. You know, or Venn diagram with all the overlaps. Gosh. Yeah. So, you know, that's that's tough. I I I feel for that situation. You know, one person wanting it and the other not. I guess on the one good side, you've got it in the bedroom. Right, you're doing the kinky thing, you're just not calling it the kinky thing. Right. You know, I I think something you said in in your question is absolutely right.
You know, don't worry about names and labels, and just enjoy what you do, what you have. My take on it, I'm gonna I'm gonna use an old cliche, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink. Sure. Obviously. Okay? So, you know, sometimes the more you push, the more Resistance. Resist thank you. Thank you. The more resistance they become. One thing that I I would suggest is enjoy what you do in the bedroom. Maybe add little elements
in the bedroom. Mhmm. And and you never know, as as your wife begins to relax into it and enjoy it, hopefully, you know, she may want to broaden out at that point. Mhmm. You know, there were certain things that you had that you would not do in the beginning, but as our relationship matured and and, you know, we we kinda gotten more trust with each other, You opened up to other things that Sure. In the past were not
something you wanted to do. And I think it's you know, there's two sides to that that, yes, it took a while for me to trust and to learn about Kinkin so then I did things. In this case, you're talking about a 20 year relationship. So True. She's got 20 years of experience with you, and that means that there are the memories of everything that's gone right and gone wrong.
And so you're not you're earning trust and you're maintaining trust, but from a different direction of having to sort of show, whatever she might need to feel more comfortable. And that still won't guarantee that she wants to have a power exchange or ever call what y'all do power exchange.
It just means that the the trust that has to be built and the knowledge that has to be gained is coming from sort of that opposite direction of not necessarily learning more about a partner, but unlearning how things once were. Mhmm. That's true. Believing that they won't go back to whatever they once were. And that's both partners have to do that. But True. True. True. You know, that True. That will make a difference as well. I want to I I don't like it to ever go
without saying. I'm too anxious for that. So, the thing I wanna make sure you're doing, you know, I it's kind of like I don't know. From from a consenting submissive point of view to tell some you know, for my partner to go, I'm in charge now, and this is what we're doing. That sounds sexy, but from a practical point of view, y'all you are communicating. Correct? Like, it's not just a, hey. Let's do kink and there's not too much to
talk about. The reason I say that is because, you know, introducing BDSM concepts and role play and kinks, how are you introducing that? Are you just going, you know, I told you of that time ago that I'm in charge now, and now we're doing this, or are y'all actually sitting down and talking about the kink things you're going to be doing? The the reason I mean, there's lots of reasons to to talk about that. 1, communication
is required for consent. But, 2, it's usually in the process of negotiating the fun, the even if it's never called that, the power exchange. Mhmm. The moment somebody's the top and somebody's the bottom, somebody's the dom, somebody's the sub, there's a power exchange whether you use that language or not. If somebody's in charge and somebody is not, you got a power exchange. Yeah. You just don't
have to call it that. But, you know, it's part of it is in the process of figuring out what you're going to do together and, you know, your wife figuring out her role in part and you figuring out yours. And that connection that is forged in the communication, that is also where trust can grow and the willingness to try new things, to rethink old concepts. I would not at all be surprised if, your wife is like, yeah. That don't call me submissive because that goes against my feminist
ideals. It doesn't have to go against feminist ideals to be submissive. But for for many people, the the two concepts can't coexist together. And that may be a forever thing and that may be a for now thing. The other thing I I agree with you, just do what y'all do that you enjoy and don't worry about labels. The thing to think about from your perspective is can you live without the label and the the the the naming of the dom sub
dynamic? Not whether you know, she's willing to keep doing kink with you, keep doing what it feels good for both of you, but how do you feel about it? If you're happy that you've got the connection and you're having a good time and you know, then it really doesn't matter. I would also say don't put a time frame on when to bring a subject back up. There's there's no there's no deadline here. You know? You may never bring it
up again. You may find in a natural organic way that a moment comes up and you can reintroduce the concept. The other thing is and it doesn't have to be our podcast slash YouTube channel. But if you come across a resource, a a video, a an article, or something that relates to what the 2 of y'all are already doing, you don't have to have her go off and research on her own. Invite her in to read the article after you read it. Send her the link. Say, hey. There's this video
on this topic. You know, that thing we've been doing? Would you like to watch it with me? Because that way, you if she's willing, you are exposing her to people who talk about kink in ways that you would find informative and healthy and, like, not a toxic bad thing. Right? Mhmm. So that can sometimes start conversations Yes. And introduce a a partner to people who live it or talk about it in ways that aren't within whatever their the stereotype is that's in their head. Right?
That has to be something she's open to. You cannot force it. No. If you push or if you create artificial deadlines, can people be manipulative assholes without, like, meaning to? Yeah. If you're more concerned about getting exactly what you want to the letter the way you envision it Mhmm. Than enjoying this thing naturally and organically with your partner, then I
yeah. But if you are content with, this is just a journey, we're on a path, we're doing a thing that we both enjoy, we are both fully consenting, and we've negotiated it, and we know each of us how how things are going to go and how to make them stop and, you know, how to talk about it, then the rest is fine. Bring it up if it makes sense to bring it up, when it makes sense to bring it up. Don't put a don't circle a date on your calendar. Go, oh, we've been getting kinky
for a year now. Right. Now's the time to talk about it again. Invite your wife into the kink things that maybe you're exploring that aren't in the bedroom. Maybe you're thinking about going to a munch, see if she'll go with you. She might not. She might be like, that is not my scene, and that's fine, but maybe
she will. And maybe just by being exposed to some of the resources and the places and the people where it's real people just living their lives and just happen to do some kinky shit, then she if it's right for her, she may be more willing to talk about things that are off the table right now, to explore concepts that she's currently not into. Mhmm. You may just find a whole new way to come at it and it never be dom sub, and she never takes the label submissive,
because she doesn't have to. Right. She does not have to. Right. And and, you know, it's we we said this before in in numerous episodes over over the years, you know, it's kind of how you approach it with her too. You know, kind of going up and saying, hey, I found this, let's do this. You know, nope, you know, you you want to go and say, hey, you know, I heard about this thing, it sounds interesting, you want to check it out with me and, you know, learn about it
and see what it is? Right. You know? And and that sometimes is a little easier way to to break that ice. Mhmm. And yet, at the end of the day, whatever she ultimately decides this month, this year, next year, in a decade, that's her right to do, and only you can decide is that enough for you. Mhmm. You know? If everything was good except this the sex was lacking prior to kink, which is not an uncommon thing that people who transition from a vanilla relationship
to a kinky one say. They're like, everything everything was great. We're compatible. But, man, in the bedroom, it just wasn't right. And then they find what's right for them. If you if you're both happy with what you're doing and you know that it might have greater meaning or that some of these things have terms for them, you get to decide if you need it to be deeper than it is or if it's deep enough for you. You know what I mean? Like, you know who you are in this in
what you're doing. You know who your wife is to you. Mhmm. You decide if it's enough that she never embraces that part. And there's a very good chance that that might be enough. 20 years together, and you're having a good time now? I don't know that I would overthink it Yeah. So much about trying to, like, get her to go, yes. I am your submissive. Even though she might get there on her own eventually, I don't think that needs to be the focus. That's true. I mean, you know, listen, you say that.
You you are in, you know, a lot better place than many other people. You know, many people have brought up going into a kink and and BDSM and different things like that to their partner, and their partner wants absolutely nothing Right. To do with it. Period. Done. End of end of, you know, sentence. And and he your your wife is at least willing to do it in the bedroom. So, you know, you kinda gotta look at the Right. And he even says a little bit outside the bedroom.
That little bit within her comfort level can't be expanded upon. You just might need to stay away from the labels. If the labels are the thing that's the turn off, then don't use the labels. You know? Think about yourself however you want to. Disrespect her need to just do the thing. One way to think about it, and this might be the 2 of y'all, some people, I know I'm this way and JB is this way, kink is who we are. Are. It's part of our identity. We live a kink lifestyle.
And and that's one way of approaching kink and power exchange. You might be like that where it is feeling it's an internal thing to who you are. Other people do kink. They can take it or leave it. They might know that they really enjoy sex and intimacy better when there's kink, but they they don't attach meaning to their identity with it. And that is okay. Both ways are valid. And then some conglomeration, you know, mysterious third thing that I don't know is also okay. So it is entirely
possible that that's what you're dealing with. You are inherently kinky. That is who you are, and your wife is willing to do kink but not embrace the role and claim that as who she is. And that could be just a right now thing, and that could be a forever thing. People change and and adjust and learn new things all the time. Mhmm. Just, you know, be happy for the good that you've got right now and keep it moving forward in a healthy, consensual way Mhmm. With plenty of communication.
And, you know, it may be that you never return to this conversation, and it may be that you go at a very slow pace with her on that side of things. It's all of it's fine. Mhmm. It's entirely fine if you're together another 20 years and she never calls yourself herself submissive, but you're like, I know what you're doing, and I know what that role looks like. Yeah. You those get to be your inside thoughts. You know what I mean? And and that's okay too. But, yeah, the thing that will make you
the manipulative asshole will be pressure. Yep. It will be doing things expecting an outcome that you want her to get to. That is what will make you a manipulative asshole. Yeah. Enjoy the ride Mhmm. And see where it takes you. And enjoy what you have Mhmm. And and, yeah, go from there. Exactly. Mhmm. Thanks for listening to this week's q and a episode. If you want us to answer one of your questions, just use the contact page on our website at lovingbdsm.net, or you can find the link in the
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