You're listening to to the loving BDSM podcast. Lola's here, if you didn't know. Kayla, it's here with the one, the only, the my personal favorite grumpy daddy, John Brownstone. There are other grumpy daddies out there, but you're my favorite. Well, I would hope. Right. Right. I mean, that's all that really matters.
This week, we're answering a question from a kinkster who's learned not to come on too strong when they meet submissives, but sometimes submissives start using honorifics with them before they've ever even had a conversation about it. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If you're new here, we help kinksters like you have happy, healthy power exchange relationships. Add the podcast to your favorite podcast app so
you never miss an episode. And if you'd like us to answer your question in a future one of these, just use our contact page literally called ask your questions. It's available on our website at loving BDSM dot net. That's loving BDSM dot net. Or you can find the link in the show notes. Okay. Let's get into the question. Okay. When I first started exploring, I used to start off chats with submissives with my kind of expectations and quickly learned that not only does this
come off really intense, but also demanding. Things like titles and rules obviously is not something to do right off the bat. You guys actually helped me learn that. Thank you. You're welcome. But I've noticed that a lot of subs will still call me sir when we chat even though I have not asked them to or we have not discussed it yet.
Should I say something about this? Or since they're doing it willingly, is it alright to just let it happen and not and not really take it further until further discussions have happened? Lola would like to put her 2¢ in. I think this is gonna be one of those episodes. Yes. Yep. Alright. So an interesting question. Mhmm. And, one I kind of have a little bit of experience with. You know, kinda learning
the whole thing. I'm I'm glad, you know, coming off too intense in the beginning to jump right in with, you know, expectations and everything. Yeah. That can be a little much. Now, as for the, being called sir, that is really kind of a personal preference. Some people like it, expect it. Some people, unless they're in a dynamic, they don't want to be called, you know, any kind of of title.
So, you know, if it is something that you do not like, that you don't feel comfortable with, those are boundaries you need to set with with the person that you're chatting with. You know, I've I've done that, and, you know, I've, like, had people, even at munches, that I didn't really know call me sir. And, you know, I told them, please please don't do that. You know, I'm not your sir. You're dumb. You know,
they they respected the boundaries. One person did, tell me that they, they did it out of respect, just, you know, which which may be the case. Some, you know, a lot of subs do will do that, you know, out of out of respect. But if it makes you feel uncomfortable, that is definitely a boundary that you can set. Just like there are subs who don't like pet names from somebody that they're not in the dynamic with, which, you know, totally understand that too, you know, but you need you need to
let those boundaries be known. Mhmm. So I I agree completely. The thing all you have to do is look within and go, am I comfortable with this? Yeah. Decide for yourself. The other thing I would add though, there are plenty of new to new ish submissives who get told by the wrong person that this is the expectation. Right? So when you're having a conversation with somebody and they're new to you and they just started out and you haven't had the conversation about this,
take a beat and go, hey. Do you know you don't have to call me that? Did like, has anybody ever told you, like, you you can if you want if assuming you are comfortable with it. Like, you could say I'm comfortable with it. If you're comfortable with it, that's fine. But do you know
you don't have to? Because there are gonna be plenty of submissives who have, talked to the wrong person, read the wrong, Twitter thread, had a little too much, smut in their Kindle, and they're gonna think that that is somehow an expectation and it should not be an expectation. If, you know, I I did not know I was like this, but I get a little there's a I'm not a fan when somebody unprompted calls my daddy any kind of honorific without it being negotiated. If he's negotiated and
I don't care. It's no like the only thing I've asked is I would prefer you not to be daddy to anybody else. And it hasn't been an issue that we've had to deal with. But, you know, I'm personally not a fan, but I do understand where it comes from. And if you're okay with it, go for it. Now something that you brought up is not in this question, but it is the well, I say that out of a as a sign of respect. Yeah. And I have heard people say that I am southern. Like, that's
that was how I was raised. If I perceive you as older than me or in a higher position of authority or even if we're at the kind of the no. Not the same age. That would be weird to me. I'm probably gonna use sir and ma'am until I hear otherwise. It's a it's a default because many of us got our butts smacked and we were not considered polite.
But that should also not be a a that should be something that I think gets unlearned in the kink community because words sometimes have different connotations and meanings to different people. That's true. Like, I can understand in an abstract way if somebody who probably was raised similarly to me sees John Brownstone as, like, oh, he's older than me. I should say sir, but this is kink. The sir means something to some of us. So
just be careful. Also, sometimes there's a presumption of gender or being okay with gender specific, air quote that, terms that somebody might not have. So if you yourself are are in the habit of just using honorifics based on what maybe you think you know about a person, go ahead and stop doing that and ask if it's okay. It's a consent thing. Like this person who said the question doesn't seem to care that much. Mhmm. They see a little bit of the, hey, wait. It's not right if I do it, but
Yeah. Is it okay? It's, air quote, okay if everybody involved is okay with it. Right. But I do think it's worth a little introspection to say, wait. Don't, you know, let's dom, the the dom may hate the term sir or ma'am or this or that. That might not be how they see themselves as a dominant. That's true. So it's it's both sides of the slash needing to just I know you wanna say proceed with caution. Just
just ask. This is a great way to practice your clear direct communication skills and negotiation. Yeah. I would like to call you this. Is that okay with you? Done. It doesn't have to be awkward. It doesn't have to be weird. But then you're not, you know, assuming anything about the person you're talking to. True. True. So, yeah. For the person asking the question, if you're cool with it, it's fine. It's, you know, your personal thing. I do still recommend double checking to make
sure they know they don't have to. Correct. But also if you're on the other end of this, if your quote default is to, you know, every male dom you talk to, just automatically call them sir every and again, perceived male dom, female dom to just unless they've put it somewhere specific, read bios. If you're responding to something they've posted on the Internet where they've said this, that's fine. Yeah. But until you know, just ask. Like, hey. I think you're cool. Hey. I'd
like to talk to you. How should I address you? What's the what's the right way? Mhmm. And then then you then you've opened up a conversation. It's true. True. So that being said, if a complete and total stranger, Dom, demands to be called a specific honorific, maybe maybe give that a little side eye. Mhmm. But also Yep. You know, it's it's ultimately fine if there's a conversation and communication and even a little blip of negotiation. Mhmm. It it's fine as long as everybody
agrees. True, true. Mhmm. There you go. Thanks for listening to this week's q and a episode. If you want us to answer one of your questions, just use the contact page on our website at lovingbdsm.net, or you can find the link in the show notes. Big thanks as always to our kinky community over Patreon. We're able to do this podcast and keep it going and help kinksters due to
your support. If you'd like to be part of our community and get access to extra content and a Discord server with a group of super cool, super nice kinksters, you can do that. Just join us at patreon.com/kayla lords. That's patreon.com/kayla lords, or use the link in the show notes.