You're listening to the Living BDSM podcast. Kayla Lords here with the one, the only, the guy who is definitely feeling his dom self, John Brownstone. Yeah. You were stern with me. Yeah. You haven't been stern without there being tension in a very long time. You get stern when we're tense with one another. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's like how you This was a little different though, wasn't it? It's different. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. But that's not why we're here. No. I and I do have thoughts about it, but they're not appropriate and will get me in trouble. So we're just not gonna go there. This week, we're answering a question from a kinky couple who wants to explore consensual nonconsent and wants to make sure they start from the best possible place. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If you're new here, we help kinksters like you have happy, healthy power exchange relationships.
Add the podcast to your favorite podcast app so you never miss an episode. And if you'd like us to answer a question that you have in a future, one of these episodes, you can use our contact page on our website. It's labeled ask your questions, and our website is lovingBDSM.net. That's lovingBDSM.net or use the link in the show notes. Okay. Here we go. I, female twenty six, have been with my dom, male thirty three,
for a little over a year now. We've been doing various kinky activities, bondage, sensation play, forced orgasms, etcetera, for the whole time we have been together. We have recently started talking about our shared interest in C and C, consensual nonconsent. I have little experience in practicing kink with a partner before this relationship and my partner has been practicing kink for years.
When we discussed wanting to experiment in some CNC, my partner told me he might find it difficult with me because he would be afraid of hurting me. I hate when people see me as weak or fragile, but I also know that's not how he meant it. He is incredibly caring and kind. I call him a service dom. And to my knowledge, he has not done CNC related things with his long term partners before.
Do you have any tips or suggestions on where we could start, what activities we could do to start slow, or what things we should discuss to make both of us feel safe and confident? We will, of course, discuss this more, but would love some outside ideas to bring to the table. First thing that comes to my mind, like, with anything else is educate yourself on the on the topic. On what CNC is and can be. Yeah. For sure. And, you know, how how people navigate it.
Look for groups on on FetLife. Mhmm. Alright? I am sure there are is a myriad of groups in in FetLife. Look for workshops. There could be virtual workshops online in regards to to CNC. You know, those are all things that are important, you know. Kudos for wanting to take that step to try it, but, you know, educate yourself in
in what it's all about. Mhmm. You know, especially since you're fairly new to this, and even though your your d type is is experienced, have been in lifestyle, that this is something they may not have done. Mhmm. So Okay. I agree completely, like, as always. Have we have I ever disagreed with you? I don't think so. The other thing and I think this sort of piggybacks off of what where you started with it, which was the education. Once you have and you may
already. Right? If you're if you know that the concept of consensual nonconsent exists, you likely already have some ideas in your head of what that means. As you're educating yourself and then definitely once you feel like you've maybe got a grasp on what it can mean, the one of the first things I would say after that is figure out what you
think it means to you. And what I say when I say what you think it means, it's because there's a very good chance you'll have this idea, this picture in your head. You'll try it and be like, nope. That's not for me. And you might adjust. Right? So get clear individually and then together about what you are curious about with CNC. You know, we practice a form of a
type of free use Mhmm. That's pretty mild, pretty subtle, but, you know, CNC can go from something like that up to some from it's a subjective, but I would call extreme sort of fantasies, that can involve, you know, kidnappings and just Right. All kinds of stuff. So try to figure out what this means to you and what is intriguing to you. Once you have that thought, then you kind of back it up, in my opinion, to
okay. What are baby steps to this? What are ways that maybe we can try some of this without going into a full blown scene just to see if we're comfortable with this, if this vibes with us, if we have an immediate negative reaction or immediate positive reaction? So let's say you're into the idea of full free use. Your partner can do what he wants with you sexually maybe or in some other way when he wants. Okay. Well, I don't think I would go from never allowing that to, sure. Fuck me
whenever you feel like it. That's a zero to 60 kind of thing. I would play with it. I would create maybe signals or scheduled time when this is when you as the submissive are open to it or know that you, you know, you don't know what will happen. Maybe you don't even know when it'll happen, but you know something could happen. Always always from these experimental points up to whatever CNC looks like for you, you always play with
a safe word. There is a massive misconception that because you're playing with consensual nonconsent that you forego the ability to revoke consent. Uh-uh. Uh-uh. There should absolute especially when you're new, but I just think everybody always, you need some sort of safe word, safe gesture, some signals, more than one would probably be ideal, so that either one of you can go, woah, woah, nope, This this went too far. But you could still play in small ways. So go back to the free use example.
You wanna build up to fuck me, do whatever you want to me. Whenever you want to me, you can surprise me with it. Okay? My suggestion would be think of what that means and then maybe back that up to what activity is kind of small, kind of you you know how you are with each other when it's overtly consensual. Right? And then plan a time when it is possible that that thing could happen. You still leave the control with your partner, but you
know that it's possible. One, that gives you the opportunity to speak up in case it becomes a bad time. You know? No. Don't do it when you have a migraine. No. Don't do it when you've got a deadline at work and you don't have a choice. Like, you know, you got a real life is will interfere at times. And even if you both imagine something consensually violent appearing that's, you know, air quote this word again because it's subjective, extreme, start with gentle.
Start with I'm just gonna do this thing during our appointed time that we've set up to try this, but it's not gonna involve all of your other kinks. It's gonna be you know, from the outside looking in, it might even appear to you to be, air quote, vanilla. Right? It's not gonna include forced orgasms and bondage and this and that. It's just gonna be the basics of that activity. Or it could be and, again, I'm using the free use example because it's an easy one because CNC fantasies
are are varied. There are so many ways to do it. Maybe it maybe free use isn't just fucking for you. Maybe it is just tie me up and leave me there. Well, okay. Pick the activity, set the time when it could happen, play with it, have all your safe words signal. Let your partner, you know, doms check-in, especially when when you're new to it, especially when you're trying it.
And then afterwards, after whatever aftercare you do, after you've had time to kind of, like, process, then you do a a check-in with one another and you talk about it. Did you like this? Did you not like that? What what could we do different? What can we add? What do we need to take away? Was this just a no for you and you never wanna do that again? And that's both sides of the slash. You don't need to be a part of that conversation and have opinions there.
Because it's possible you love every second of it and your dom's like, I I can't. I just can't do this. This isn't for me. And he gets to have, you know, the ability to withdraw consent just as much as you do.
But that's what I would say. I would I'm I'm big into the break it down to the smallest possible element you can think of and then schedule things, make time for things, know that they're coming so that, you know, you can set aside time, you can rearrange your life a little bit, and then once you become comfortable with an activity or you you expand upon it, right, then you can decide if you wanna let go and go whenever this, whatever that, how like,
yes, then. But until then, keep it very small, very slow, very basic with lots and lots and lots of check ins and and communication and debriefings and continue to educate yourself, continue to, like, find people online or in person if you have access to an in person community to talk about these things with because everybody has their own quirk and way for people who do CNC. Everybody's got their own way of doing it and the things that, work for them that might not work for
somebody else. And the more you can hear from different people about how they do it, it, more you can pull ideas or realize very quickly, oh, yeah. Nope. Nope. Didn't like that. Not interested in that. Mhmm. And it it can help you narrow it down a bit too. Yep. One thing I like to throw in here with all this, when when when doing CNC, you know, a lot of times when you do that, you are, dipping your toes into unknown territory. Oh, yes. Okay? Be aware of landmines,
it's what we call hidden triggers. Mhmm. Okay? Mhmm. Uncovering something like that is entirely possible because, you know, let's not forget, d s, especially going into something like that, it's not just physical, it's also mental and emotional. Mhmm. So those are that is something you want
to be aware of. And if you know that you have triggers that things either one of you, things from your past, things that can set you off, things that are just not good for you mentally, emotionally to be playing in, If you haven't already had those conversations, you need to be having those conversations because, yes, for both of you, you need to avoid that because that is one of the risks of kink that just don't get enough mention. We talk about the physical risks, and there
are many. But the mental and emotional ones of hitting a trigger, hitting a landmine as JB calls it, that you didn't know was there, and it's happening in this moment when you're both extremely vulnerable and one of you is probably naked, just how things tend to work. And, you know, your brain might have gone offline a little bit, and now you're yanked back. Like, it's it can be oh, it can mess you up. And that doesn't mean you can't recover from it. It doesn't mean that you can't ever do that
activity again. It doesn't mean you have to know your triggers before they occur, but you do have to know it's possible. Mitigating risk. You never make it go away altogether. Right. But you're aware of the risks in ways you might not be otherwise. That's true. That's true. And and, you know, mentioning that too, that that that this is a good time, you know, negotiating something like this to be very aware, you know, of a rack
risk aware consensual kink. Mhmm. You know, understand understand the risk of what you are doing. Right. And it's not again, let me say this. This is not just physical potential physical harm. Yes. That is always there, especially if you have again, I'm using air quotes, subjectively extreme, air quote that, extreme scenes that you wanna try. Yeah. There's physical, but, man, there's so much mental and emotional. Yeah. And And and everybody's risks will vary. Right.
Exactly. And the the main theme is to go with the person who's most risk averse. Start at that level, whichever one of you it is. You can build from there because, you know, sometimes we are risk averse because of our own anxieties, because of things we've been through, because we, you know, don't want to nonconsensually harm somebody. Right? Yeah. And what it can sometimes take is having the experience of doing these things on a lower level with somewhat less risk to trust both in ourselves
doing the thing and in our partner. You know, your part your dom who is worried does not want to hurt you in ways that, you know, are nonconsensual, needs to know, one, that you're gonna speak up if something goes wrong, two, that of what their limits are and what they're capable of and willing to do. And the best way to do that in what I would consider, again, air quote, the safest way, you know, the most risk is most mitigated is really slow and small. Do small things and build up, and then
one of you will hit your point. At some point, you're like, nope. This is this is too far for me. This is where I stop. And that's what you play within. And over time, you know, you may expand on that. You know, your dom may grow more confident. You both may just, you know, inherently build a deeper trust that allows you to try things that you couldn't try in the beginning. We have been together for over a decade now, and we and this isn't even about CNC. It's just how play can evolve.
Ten years ago, you could not have paid us to play, not fully sober. Now after all these years, we try it in small ways and in small doses because we have the confidence in ourselves and we have most obvious potential potential danger, for many people in kink. You you can understand you're trying to play with scenes that, you know, are made to be triggering in some ways. But, yeah, for in this in anything, but especially C and C, you start small, low, and slow.
Yeah. And you figure it out from there. But, yeah, I agree with you. The top one is education. Figure out how you're defining CNC. What are your fantasies leading you to? Right? Because it's very possible. You're thinking, oh, I'd like a little free use where you just bend me over the couch whenever you want to. And your partner is imagining CNC as, oh my god, full on, I can't say it because of censorships, but s a, you know, like, kidnapping fantasies.
And there's a lot of room between those two ideas of CNC to find, like, a middle ground. So yeah. Yeah. That that's what I would say. Thanks for listening to this week's q and a episode. If you want us to answer one of your questions, just use the contact page on our website at lovingbdsm.net, or you can find the link in the show notes. Big thanks as always to our kinky community over on Patreon. We're able to do this podcast and keep it going and
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