You're listening to Loving BDSM Podcast. Kayla Lords here with the one, the only, the, I hope you, don't just like squeezing that stress ball. John Brownstone. I'm sure I can find other things to squeeze. I got some stress balls right here. I'm just saying. Happy to oblige. It's not about what we're talking about this week. This week, we're answering a question from a submissive who needs a type of dominance that their partner doesn't find easy to do. Welcome
to the Loving BDSM podcast. If you're new here, we help kinksters like you have happy, healthy power exchange relationships. Add the podcast your favorite podcast up so you never miss an episode. And if you'd like us to answer one of your questions in a future one of these, you can, ask it through our contact page literally called ask your questions. That's on our website at lovingbdsm.net. That's lovingbdsm dotnet, or it's in the show notes for this episode. Okay. Let's get into the question.
K. My Dom and I have been together for two and a half years, and we are regular listeners of your podcast. Yay. Thank you. We moved in together about a year ago and are really struggling to find harmony in our dynamic and with play. I identify as a slave and I really enjoy things like high protocol rituals and enforced rules. He is a daddy dom and likes things to be fun, playful, and generally easygoing.
Many of our kinks align very well. We both love impact, rope, d d l g, and we both like incorporating things like free use into our dynamic. The problem is that when we seen, I enjoy things like a before seen ritual and strict requirements slash expectations in the scene, and he wants things to be very natural, fun, and easy going. It is very much the same way with our dynamic. Also, he prefers a more gentle hands off approach and I
need a lot of structure. We've been working at this for the whole time we've been together because I am very much okay with doing things his way, as long as I have some of the heavier stuff worked in. He does try very hard to accommodate me and will often have good ideas, but it's very hard for him to maintain long term. For him, trying to play with a more intense protocol often makes him not wanna play at all because it just doesn't feel natural
to him. I've tried to want less and be okay with what he gives, but that always leads to me feeling unfulfilled. And when I ask for more, he feels like he's not a good enough dom. We love each other very much and do not want to separate. He really is my person. Do you have any advice on how we can continue to work at this and find something that fits for both of us? For reference, we also live with my 2 children, age 14 and 7, but they go to stay with their dad 3 nights out of
the week. So what do you think? Wow. There's a lot going on there. A lot happening. You know, I don't I'm not sure. Well, you when you first started reading it, you know, I was thinking, well, you know, they need to find a little bit of compromise. Mhmm. Okay. You know, meet meet a little bit more in the middle. Mhmm. But when they said, you know, when we when we do try to do that, he doesn't enjoy it because it doesn't feel natural. Right. You know, I I don't know. I don't know.
I, you know, I'm I mean, as, you know, as as a slave in different things and one of the things they mentioned, you know, going into the, you know, maybe talk more about the expectations. Mhmm. You know, do the fun natural stuff, but try to weave in maybe a little bit of the other, you know, just don't say, okay, we're gonna do a whole scene that is high protocol. Mhmm. Mhmm. Okay? You know, rather than do that, blend it. Absolutely. I get it. Blend it. You know, I we've we've done things like
that. We've gone from, you know, strict disciplinarian to laughing our asses off a few minutes later. So, you know, it can be done. Mhmm. I agree with you completely. The the thought that comes to my mind on the play side is I can only kinda give us as an example. And there's you've gotta each together, you have to work together on this to find what that happy middle ground feels like. But JB is the type of sadist that I my masochist is is a little too wimpy
for. Like, I he could go hard, and I'm over here going, no. No. No. No. I like I like this short list of very specific kinds of pain. So we can't in that I can't give him what he wants at that level, you know, at the rate he would like it. Right? But what we have found are over time it was not something we that just came to us. Over time, we found ways that he could kinda scratch that itch, to go hard for a minute to use a toy that I would never choose otherwise. And I was able to sort of find
ways to be okay with it. Not in a a pressured or coerced way, but more of a, this is not a thing I would choose for myself, enjoying about it is that he is happy. And we cannot, in everything we do, only think about our partner's happiness all the time. That's that's too uneven. That's not okay. Right. But every once in a while, both sides of the slash here can go, this is what my partner likes. I would never choose this for myself, but I find things in it that make it okay for me to be
able to do it. From the submissive perspective, for me, that ends up being I'm I'm being of service. That's sort of how I wrap my mind around it. Or I'm playing from with myself of the idea of how much can I endure? Like, I'm not taking I'm not taking pleasure from the pain, but I am getting a sense of accomplishment from the endurance. Right? Now that's easy to say kind of on the submissive side. On the the dominant side, your partner has to kind of be willing to go,
okay. I can't do this for you all the time, but I can do these things for you, and I can find something in them that make it bearable for me, that make it so that I I don't feel bad about myself that I'm doing it. Within the dynamic, I actually think you have a little bit more leeway than you realize, and it's because there are ways to plan and sort of bake into your existing relationship some of the things you need so he can still have some of the
natural fun playful stuff. What I mean by that is if you need certain rituals, if you need some type of rules that you wanna follow, and you need somebody to kind of follow-up on them. Right? Pre negotiate that. Plan that and and set it as a thing that you've agreed to do is understood you're going to do. And if there's a reason you can't do it, there's a mechanism to talk about it that that needs to be true for any type of relationship.
And if you don't do it, if y'all play with consequences and, you know, deal with punishment and stuff like that, There's a a way to do that. So if you want to operate as a submissive under specific kinds of rules, but your dominant partner does not wanna have to be overseeing that all the time because that doesn't feel natural or good to him, Plan them out. Take the time to sit down and negotiate, and you're gonna have to get really,
honest with yourself about what you want. You're gonna have to get really honest with him. This will not be a thing where you have you can depend on your partner, dominant, to just come up with the ideas. Right? You're gonna have to present them and go, here's some of the things that, you know, I've seen others do, I've read about, I've heard about, that I would like to experience as a submissive as you're submissive. Can we set the rules now? And I'll just do these things. You don't
have to oversee it day to day. But and in this case for y'all, I would set it maybe as a weekly thing, maybe not a daily thing that might be overwhelming. Weekly, we will talk about, did I do it?
Did I do it well? Are there things, you know the the thing I have found this is not universal, but the thing I have found about this is in general, but definitely those who identify as slaves, is they tend to be very brutally honest about did they meet expectations according to their own, like, sort of set, you know, way of
looking at it. And, you know, not all slaves are like this, but many that I've come across and met want the correction, so they tend to be willing to go, I I didn't do the thing. I didn't do it as well as I could. Mhmm. If that's your vibe, if you set a time, like I said, weekly, if daily is too much, to go over your protocols, your rituals, the things you're supposed to do with your partner, and, oh, I didn't do this and and be
and have to admit it. That can be an act of submission to have to, like, admit that you fucked up. It's pain. I hate it. I hate it. I'll do anything to avoid it. And, you know, it it can create feelings, and and y'all have, again, prenegotiated before you ever start any of this what his response could possibly be. Right? He he's a dominant. Let him have choices about what he does, but you know what to expect, and y'all gonna sit down and
talk about it. And it's gonna be kind of formal, which from a high protocol standpoint is sometimes like what you're trying to do anyway. But it's preplanned, and it's it's not a thing that the one thing he would have to be willing to give up is it's not all natural with the flow, unless and until he becomes comfortable with this and more ideas are coming to mind. And he's like, yeah. I vibe with this and we can do this.
But the thing he would not have to do is be on top of your rules and all the things you're supposed to do. Those would already have been decided upon. And in your weekly checkup, you can go, hey. I thought this was gonna work for me, whatever this rule is or this protocol is. This is not. Can we readjust? And that's and you and you only have to keep up that level of commitment to that kind of planned conversation until you don't
need it anymore. If it becomes part of a routine or it starts to feel more natural to both of you, then you can do ongoing check ins. You can do more relaxed check ins. You can Yeah. Wait a little bit longer between check ins. But, you know, in order for the most mutual satisfaction, you both have to give a little bit. And, you know, I not hearing from your dom, I don't know what it is about hearing from you that you want you you need more that makes him think he's not
a good enough dom. It is if there's because that's not true. There's just a mismatch of styles here. Right? And so the happy medium to Vine, it's not gonna be a perfect 5050 compromise. It's how can he give you sometimes enough of what you need for you to keep going till the next time? I, as a submissive, do not get, a majority of the time, the exact kind of sensation I love the most. Right. Because JB is in charge, and he gets to
decide that. But the reason I can be okay with what I would not choose for myself and don't prefer most of the time is because he very judiciously slides in those moments where I get exactly what I want, even if it's not what he would choose first and foremost. That's the balance you have to strike. Right? And I think I think in play, JB's right. Find a thing incorporated. Don't have a full on, like, deep, deep, like, high protocol scene. Do a couple of little things in the middle
of your regular play. I think, truly, the before scene ritual might be more doable than you think. I understand scenes may be kind of cropping up naturally, so you're gonna have to get creative with how you think about this. But if you can sense or if there can be a a word that's said or a a signal of some sort that he's like, if we're about to scene, and he gives you that signal, and you think of what do I do immediately that's part of my before scene ritual.
It might not be what you've envisioned from what other people do, what you've seen in porn, what you've read about, whatever. It might not be some, like, specific physical position or kneeling or any it might be a way that you change your gaze. Right? Instead of maybe making eye contact, you remove eye contact, you look down. It might be a change of your tone of voice. It might be, you know, he's he's decided there's a scene, and maybe there's a toy you use, and your job is to go get that toy.
The before scene ritual can be anything. Yeah. It just has to fit with what y'all are doing. And if he's more of a casual, let's let's start this, like, whenever and it's gonna be playful, you will have to work with that a little bit to figure out what you can do to get your before seen ritual that he's okay with too and doesn't impede the scene. Right? That helps the scene along or that is meaningful to you even if he does not necessarily clock it in the same way that you
do. He you know, if he's willing to agree to it, he can agree to acknowledge that you averted your gaze, and that was your ritual, or you immediately got naked. That was your ritual. But, again, you set it up ahead of time. You plan it out in negotiations, and then you implement it. And you've already together agreed upon it, and you've already got a set time when you're gonna check-in with one another and just go, does this work? Does this not work?
The other thing I would say, and I feel like I feel like I'm being a little I don't think mean is the word, but I'm being a little I think we would all love if everything we did in life was the stuff that came natural, felt natural, never felt awkward, never felt like we had to work for it too much, and never was out of our comfort zone. That's not life, and that's not even how
kink works. Yeah. So I know you're the one asking the question, but my advice, if if you're dumb, was willing to listen, would be, I would like you to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Yes. And yes. And that's something, you know, and that's why I say you said earlier to, you know, mix it in in small ways. Mhmm. And, you know, by doing that, over time, it may become more natural. Absolutely. Because the awkwardness part is gone. Right. It might again, it might not be a thing he would
naturally gravitate towards. Mhmm. But he knows it's important to you, so he'll bring it up. He'll do it or try to do it or implement certain bits of it Mhmm. Enough, whatever your enough is. There's I can't give you a count. I could say 1 in 10 impact scenes is completely thuddy and what I want. That means 9 aren't. I don't know. I don't know if that's the ratio. It's it's not a full 5050, but it's enough for me and you'll have
to figure out what your enough is. But also, as the submissive where did you say it? And it really it I have tried to want less and be okay with what he gives. The be okay with what he gives, I think, to me is more of a it's a submissive thing of he's deciding, and I'm I'm accepting. But that doesn't mean you go without. That doesn't mean you have to accept that you don't get anything that you want. Your needs are just as important. Right. They will get they they will they may get met
differently. Right? Differently than your ideal, differently than the way other people do. Like, whatever that is. They might get they they might get met in a way that isn't, you know, the stereotype, but they should still be getting met. And it's okay to accept a little bit less to find whatever your level of enough is. But this is not a sustainable dynamic if you have times where you feel unfulfilled and the reaction you get to that is, oh, you don't think I'm enough. Mm-mm. Mm-mm.
It's not that your dom is not enough. It's that you need a little bit more of your well-to-be filled. Right? You need a little bit more off of your personal checklist of these are the things that make me happy. Doesn't mean you get everything, but guess what? Your dom isn't getting everything, quite frankly, unless y'all were perfectly aligned on your kinks. No dom gets everything on their wish list. Right? And it shouldn't be that way. It's a little bit for you. It's a little bit for him.
And then it's what you both love in the middle. And that's Right. And that that's what a compromise is. Yeah. Exactly. You know, your dynamic should be a Venn diagram. There's what you want, need, like, whatever, what your dom wants, needs, likes, whatever, and then there's the stuff stuff in the middle that you agree on. And then within each other's limits and boundaries, you occasionally pull in the stuff that's just for your dom, just for you. We all have you know, that's it's
how do I wanna say this? I don't know how I wanna say this. We all deserve some of that. We don't get all of what we want all of the time. No. And we should not get what we want to the detriment of our partner. But there is nothing wrong with, you know, changing your mindset. No. I don't necessarily mean you. Maybe you're dong. Change the mindset of what this means. The well, it's not what I like. It's not natural to me, so I just don't wanna do it. That's not fair to you. You know?
That's not to say that your dom should do everything on your personal checklist that doesn't vibe with him, and that's not the kind of dom he wants to be. That's not not at all what we would say. But what JB said at the top, find things that you can incorporate into the scene that he sets the scene, but he adds this element for you. Right? He may need to go do some research. You may have to get very explicit in what you want or what you're envisioning and give him ideas.
That is not telling him how to do the scene, by the way. Mhmm. That is saying, here are the options that I know of. Pick and choose as you'd like. Get creative. I'm just telling I'm just sharing information. It's truly it's a service. Even if you don't call yourself a service rep, it's a service that you provide. It's a Yeah. A way that you help your dom is to go, here's all the information I can give you. Right? He still gets to decide. He's still the dom.
But that that and prenegotiating rituals and, routines that are more I don't know if rigid is the right word, more strict. That's all very subjective. But that allow you to experience a little bit of that slave mindset that you want to experience while still fitting into the way y'all go together naturally within your dynamic. Right? And that's truly plan ahead, and then he can be hands off until he doesn't wanna be hands off anymore. Mhmm. But you have a way to communicate. Hey. I need to hear
how you think I did. Hey. I didn't do a thing I was supposed to do, and I know there are consequences. Right? So that I think that's that's the thing. But also yeah. It's it's not always gonna feel natural. You're gonna part of kink is learning new skills. These are new skills he's learning. Again, within his limits and boundaries, nobody should have to, like, violate that to make the other
partner happy. But feel awkward for a minute because it's not what you would have necessarily chosen for yourself, but it makes your partner happy. That that there's value to that. And that's that's the thing both sides of the slash should do for it when they can from time to time. Mhmm. And I think that's all I have to say about that. Okay. Thanks for listening to this week's q and
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